Entries for August, 2015



SI, nerd, parrot, the ex, etc etc
Saturday: August 1, 2015



lagi naman akong tambay sa bookstores but for some reason now ko lang napansin na narelease na pala ang SI. yung recent book ni bob ong..

ang galing nya talaga..

grabe, mahal ko na talaga si bob ong.

---

overheard an officemate talking to another officemate yesterday and he was like:

"engineering kasi course ko e. 

mga babae dun mga... nerd.

hindi mo makausap. 

nakasalamin, malalaki bag tas puro libro."

wala lang. sapul na sapul e. hindi ako nakailag. parang naidescribe lang ako (then and now) ni officemate nang di nya sinasadya.

shet, im a nerd.

ouch.

---

crazy stuff. mom told me kuya's ninang will be coming to our house one of these days to bring 2 of his male inaanaks with her to be introduced to me. not just one but two. imagine?! lol.

im in no way angry or embarrassed or upset whatsoever. im more like... amused. kaya ko naman na to sa sarili ko pero kung gusto nyo maki join force sa pag ayos ko sa lovelife ko, then go. haha..

tsk. napapa ewan nalang talaga ko.

...

and then there's parrot. we texted and chatted for some time some couple of years back. after ignored messages and intentionally missed calls, he finally got the idea and moved on.

yesterday, he added me back in fb. he was one of the people i unfriended back when i was feeling badtrip to the whole world kaya napagdiskitahan ko yung facebook ko. i accepted the request. fine.

we chatted. same old. ok naman talaga si parrot. E for effort nga sya e. i remember when he was in mexico and lost his phone, nakihiram pa sya ng phone sa kasama nya to text me. hindi ako ng reply. so he called. wala pang viber non so long distance. not sure what's the rate of overseas calls, but im guessing it couldnt be cheap.

so, ok naman talaga si parrot. nahihirapan lang akong kausap sya. i mean, im not judging him. awkward na tao din naman ako. in fact, if may paligsahan para sa pinaka awkward na tao sa mundo, malaki ang chance kong manalo. pero kasi naman.. ang hirap kasing sagutin ng tanong nyang, "kumain ka na?".. i mean, i ask that same question too to some people and i do that when i genuinely want to know. besides, ang dami mo ring malalalaman tungkol sa tao pag nalaman mo kung anong kinakain nya, kung pano sya kumakain at kelan sya kumakain. i believe it can be a good topic for light talks.. pero kasi.. ibang level talaga si parrot (i hope by this time you'll get to realize why im calling him parrot). hardcore. sighs..

he asked if my pasok ako twing sunday at kung ano ginagawa ko pag sunday. i hate how parrot dangles questions like these and leave it right there. minsan talaga parang kulang sa hulog itong taong to. ewan. i wonder if isa sya dun sa 2 guys na dadalhin ng ninang ni kuya samen. magkakilala rin kasi sila nun. i dont want to embarrass mom. i promised to be nice and i will. and parrot is a nice man. he deserves that. everyone deserves that. so yeah.

sabi sa librong nabasa ko, bago ka maturn off, kilalanin mo daw muna yung tao. well, ano't ano pa man, maybe we can at least end up as good friends, right? tsaka sabi ni bo sanchez, wag mo daw i limit yung mga taong kikilalanin mo dun lang sa type mo. i know, maybe, there could be a gem of a man hiding inside his extreme level of awkwardness. who knows.

---

saw a picture of your ex today. cute sya. mga ganun pala taste mo. ouch.

i rarely act jealous but it doesnt mean im not. it's almost always the other way around.

---

naisip ko lang, siguro makakapagpahinga lang ang puso ng tao kung magkakagusto lang sya sa mga taong may gusto sa kanya tapos hindi na sya magkakagusto pa sa iba. 

*cringes in disgust with my own words*

ang corni mo 'te.

---

dapat last na to. ayoko na ng mga ganitong klaseng episodes.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 05:44 PM.

4 comments





1342
Wednesday: August 5, 2015



"Without a goal or a vision, our days will just go to waste. It may sound like a cliche, but yes, life is short.

And what you do now matters. It will all add up.
Be discerning, but don't be overly cautious. You'll learn more from the (unintentional) mistakes that you'll do.
Don't be driven by fear, but by the purpose that God has given you.

What are you aiming for?"

source: http://www.productivepinoy.com/2013/10/what-are-you-aiming-for.html

 

slept and woke up with the same picture inside my head.

man, i miss the sea.

the sea, the horizon, the sky, the streaks of orange in the sky, the sea foam, the breeze, the scent... everything.

kung hindi issue ang pera, ibang tao, buhay at responsibilities ko at iba pang mga kaguluhan, i would've packed my bag and go somewhere where i can see something like this.. or anything close to this.

sometimes i feel like life itself is preventing us from living. of maybe it's our idea of what we should be doing or on what kind of person we should be that's actually doing that. hindi ko rin talaga alam.

so what am i aiming for?

sa tingin ko, gusto kong dumating yung time na pag naisipan kong tumakas sa mundo, like pumunta sa dagat, or kaya mamundok, or kaya pumunta sa baguio, boracay, ilo-ilo, sa  paris or kahit sa outerspace pa, magagawa ko. kahet saan ko gusto, kahet kelan ko gusto. 

yun yung definition ko ng freedom. eto yung pangarap kong freedom. eto yung aim kong freedom.

sabi sa nabasa ko,  "You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it come true.You may have to work for it, however."

it seems to me that dreams come with a price. siguro nga kaya naten maabot ang mga pangarap naten. nagkakatalo lang naman yun sa willingness mo na bayaran yung price.

will be turning a year older in a few more months. as years add up to my age, i know that the opportunities available for me are getting scarce especially since ive been changing paths from time to time and not mastering anything. alam kong hindi ako pwedeng maging aimless wanderer of the earth habang buhay. ayokong maging isang lost soul forever.

eh, ano bang gagawin ko??

--

was watching manix abrera deliver bob ong's speech in youtube. jeez.. these people. what wouldn't i give to be  one of them?

i think i want to be a part of  that industry. their industry. pero para kasing ang delusional. parang kalokohan. parang masyadong ambisyosa lang na hindi maintindihan. parang imposible. parang.. ewan ko.

tingin ko kasi, may mga pangarap na worth pursuing. na tama lang na pagsumikapang maabot at paghirapan. pero may mga pangarap din na pangarap lang talaga. period. kung alin sya don, hindi ko alam at hindi ko rin alam kung pano ko malalaman.

tumatakbo ang oras. umaandar ang mundo. ilang taon na rin ang nasasayang ko pero indecisive parin ako. i cannot take my time figuring out what to do next while my dreams are evaporating before my eyes.

eh, ano nga bang gagawing ko?? 

sighs..

*tinatamad akong mag-isip.. bukas nalang.*

 --

tsk. you're hopeless, z, you're hopeless..



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Written by cinderellaareus at 01:42 PM.

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restart
Monday: August 10, 2015



feeling ko, kailangan ko ulet magsulat ng magsulat hanggang sa matutunan ko ulet kung pano ba magsulat.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 02:12 PM.

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do something that scares you
Wednesday: August 12, 2015



another suicide mission.

a friend was asking me if im willing to do another 1-day j-interpreting job, this time, with press people involved. And despite the loud drumming inside my chest, i said yes. great.

gawd. suicide eto!!.. but bring it on.

i worked with the same people just a year ago. the japanese ive worked with was super nice, super down to earth and super easy to work with. hindi naman talaga ako kinakabahan sa kanya.. kinakabahan lang ako sa press and on the probability that id mess this whole thing up. well, ok lang rin naman. pero basta. kinakabahan ako.

fake it till you make it. it always work. i will.

i raised my price to make them so likely to not hire me just so i can have a reason not to actually go without having to back out. minsan malabo talaga ang logic ko. hehe.

on the other hand, kailangan ko rin pala ng pera so i actually need this gig. pero...

hayyy ewan.

siguro saka na ko mag-aalala pag nandyan na. for now, bahala ka na, batman.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 10:16 AM.

2 comments





21
Friday: August 14, 2015



the world feels glooooomy.

i probably woke up in the wrong side of the bed.

or maybe slept in one.

or maybe because i barely slept at all.

 

for straight 1 week, it was either i lacked sleep or didnt sleep at all. been drinking coffee 5 days in a row now and my stomach feels burnt already. am i dying? ugh, damn this. huhu.

---

sadness is kind of getting into me lately and even chocolates and foods are not doing the trick.

im also feeling anxious about a lot of things. scared even. i guess depression comes when you focus on what you lack and add anxiety to that and that's a total emotional mayhem.

i threw away a comfortable life to get myself out of complacency because i believed that with complacency, im not gonna amount to something.

im far from having a comfortable life now and yet the life ive chosen doesnt seem to be serving it's purpose.

'ano na?', 'now what?'... same old questions... ano na? now what?... sh*t, will i ever find an answer to these?

ano na? now what?

if you cant answer your own questions, maybe you should change the questions.

so, how can i make my life better?

how can i be a step closer to the life i want?

how can i get everything i want in life?

what can i do to turn my dreams to reality?

...

i guess im starting to know what it is that i want. that's a start, right? Now, i will only have to figure out how to get it and actually do something about it.

read(or heard) somewhere that it takes 21 days to form a habit.

to have a better life, i think i should start with a better self.

id start with 21 days of sleeping properly, of eating only good stuff, of absolutely no coffee(or softdrinks).

21 days. we'll see.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 10:54 AM.

3 comments





weights
Monday: August 17, 2015



day by day, ive been dragging my feet to get up,

weathering the day's battle heaving a heavy heart.

eto na naman yung feeling na parang my mga dark clouds everywhere and all. sh*t ang emo.

minsan feeling ko, simple lang naman ang solusyon sa mga problema. kino-complicate lang ng tao para merong drama.

ewan.

--

nini texted me a few days back, saying she's gonna give my number to her male officemate. seems like even my friends want to take my lovelife into their hands. tsk. ewan.

--

was strolling at the mall with brother yesterday when we saw a display of carpets on sale and we stopped to check out.

we use to stop to check on toys and stuff, but never on carpets. jeez.. we're getting old. i mean, only adults will be interested in carpets, rights? sighs..

--

been feeling low. or maybe 'low' is an understatement.

when you feel so bad about something, maybe, something has to change.

but right now, i dont want change.

i just want to disappear.

{ mood } emo to the utmost



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Written by cinderellaareus at 10:51 AM.

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100%
Monday: August 17, 2015



indeed, the Heavens has Its funny ways to cheer depressed people up.

thank you so much, Heavens! <3



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Written by cinderellaareus at 02:13 PM.

2 comments





red
Wednesday: August 26, 2015



"Hindi lahat ng brokenhearted tungkol sa nagdurugong puso. Minsan tungkol sa nagdurugong portfolio. : ) haha ‪#‎stockmarket"

got this from ms. mayi's fb. wala lang. nakakarelate. checked my stock portfolio and it was all bleeding red.  ive lost a whopping 20% of my investments already. great. sabi nga dun sa isang comment, #redpamore. arg. good thing this is only on paper. maybe it's time to buy. i hope the prices are still low by the next payday.

--

just got back to work. took a 2-day leave and was on a 4-day looooong weekend. supposed sched was ruined due to constant raining and partly because i was feeling uber lazzzy(plus i also want to watch aldub. ayiiiiiiiiiiii <3). now i have to make up for the time lost for the next 2 weeks. wala na nga atang libre sa mundo, even laziness comes with a price now.

--

decided to be a bit friendlier to parrot since im kind of getting tired of ignoring him already. i thought maybe, we can be friends or something. our parents are friends after all, so we might as well be friends too. but he's starting to get a bit mushy mushy and protective its making me cringe. well, hindi pa naman overboard, pero.. basta. i just remember when it was someone else who's doing that. sadyang iba parin kasi talaga pag yung gusto mo yung nakikipag harutan sayo. but im not going back to that.

--

slowly but surely, im picking myself up. im getting there.‬



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Written by cinderellaareus at 02:26 PM.

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ang ibon and other stuff
Friday: August 28, 2015



was feeling all sunshiney this morning because it was a beautiful Friday and I just felt like being thankful to the Heavens for all the things I have(and dont have) in my life. Sa tingin ko, kung magbibilang ka lang, mare-realize mo na mas marami paring mga bagay to be thankful for than those to be sad about.

...

but that was until i read a message that says something about how the sender was so happy that I came into his life and so on... tsk. this is bad... huhu.

I swear I dont remember coming into that person's life. i did not intend to make it seem that way.

hindi ata kami nagkakaintindihan. hindi ko alam kung pano ko ipapaintindi yung sarili ko or kung pano ko ba aayusin to.

sabi sa librong nabasa ko, ang ibon daw, madaling hulihin kapag nakatali pero mas madaling hulihin kapag may sugat. kahet na may sugat pa ko, hindi ata applicable sa akin to.

feeling ko, lahat ng mga idea ko to fix things, nag babackfire lahat saken : (

--

a few days to go at ber months na. I have a few events jotted on september. will be seeing some hs friends. i hope bff will again fly from malaysia to be with us. i miss her so much.

--

brother got a job interview today. i helped  him practice yesterday. i hope he'll get this one. madedepoy daw sa japan ang pag aaralin ng japanese yung makukuha. maybe once he's in japan, maybe the whole family can go and visit him too. there's a lot of things ive seen and experience in japan that i wish for my family to experience too.. sana balang araw magawa namin to. sana talaga matanggap si kuya..

--

another weekend. nothing much to look forward but im excited for september. im all ready. all smiles.

 



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Written by cinderellaareus at 10:29 AM.

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the weekends, the suicide mission and the morning exercise
Monday: August 31, 2015



bought the book 'dorothy must die' last friday coz i was thinking of a lazy weekend ahead, but for some reason, it didn't happen.

..

saturday, watched inside out. it was awesome. damn tearducts decided to leak in the middle of the movie. and it wasnt even that much of a tear-jerker. uhg, old age.

..

met yang at the feast yesterday. just found out that we've changed venue. we're now  in smx. seems like its been ages since i went there. feast is as awesome as ever, but when it comes to venue, i feel more at home in picc.

saw a co-servant as i enter the function room. was a bit awkward. ang tagal tagal ko nang hindi nagpapakita. parang nakaka jahe ng bumalik. im thinking of joining another ministry. sa events siguro or sa liturgical. maybe once we go back to picc. im not sure though if we're ever gonna go back.

we also bought kcon tickets yesterday. eeeeeee!! this is it!! a few months to go. sobrang naeexcite na ko.

..

as usual we again tried to make plans on what business to put up etc etc. we came up with all sorts or ideas from normal ones (like joining weekend markets) to absolutely ridiculous ones (suicide fair, nude art classes, etc etc). in the end, we didnt come up with a plan but we sure had so much fun trying.. still, in a way, im feeling a bit worried. i mean, come on.. we cant continue being crazy like this, right?

i just remember that day we started RAVE. maraming questions and inhibitions, but we pushed it through. sure, we ended up having to liquidate everything, but we learned. we started something. that alone is an achievement in itself. i dont know why we're having a hard time moving on to our next attempt.

---

sabi sa OTL book ni bo sanchez, "Step 4: Have as many friendly dates as humanly possible." and so, i agreed to see someone this coming weekend. tsk. para sa uberly introverted creature like me, this sort of feels like a suicide mission, promise. sighs. pero kaya ko tooo!! after this, im gonna be a better person. haha.

sighs..

---

edsa was blocked from kamuning this morning. i needed to walk from there to cubao. matindihang workout eto. ok lang naman, gusto ko rin naman talagang pumayat. it was a fine breezy morning and the sky was a sight to behold. infey sa edsa, maganda pala sya without the vehicles and all. i just realize the ive seen this same things for years but it just look different when you see them when you're on foot. sa tingin ko, if only you will  just seek for it, you'd see it everywhere..beauty, that is.

---

still got a lot of things to sort out but i cant seem to find the motivation to do anything.. if this goes on, i know im endangering my own future.

saan ba nakakabili ng motivation?



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Written by cinderellaareus at 01:17 PM.

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C I N D E R E L L A A R E U S
"A dream is a wish your heart makes when you're fast asleep"

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