Entries for November, 2015
should be sleeping.
after my 4-day long weekend, im gonna be back to the cage tom.
dont really feel so bad about it.. but still.
was at the market earlier when mom and i passed by to hbc, mejo nauto kami ng sales lady into buying some protein hair treatment thingy that costs nearly 500..just when i need to tone down my expenses. jeez. mom and i ended up recieving free hair treatment application in their makeover corner. their hair steamer sort of fascinated me so i asked if they sell something like that. the sales lady said yes and i found the price quite affordable. i think im gonna buy that steamer thingy soon. but then i remember i need to tone down my expenses. pero naisip ko lang, since i love kikay stuff, treatment, kaartehan and all, i wonder if i should just put up my own kikay store.. or a spa.. or perhaps a beauty salon.
i just remember our college days when nini, shara and i were daydreaming about becoming rich and all. we thought of what business we will put up in the future and even came up with our own business names.
si shara daw magtatayo ng panaderyang papangalan nyang "pan de shara"... tas saken daw parlor na papangalanan kong, "salon de <insert my name here>"..
"salon de <insert my name here>"....
it actually sounds nice. i mean, why not? pwede ko kayang seryosohin tong thought na to? and... kaya ko kaya? i dont know. id try writng a business model tomorrow and calculate the possibility. i hate how 2 years had passed and im still yet to step out of the dreamland and make my dreams a reality. sighs..
stalking some old crush in fb. he seem to be single.. i wonder why. i mean, he's sort of good looking. plus he's super nice and funny. that's a killer combination for women, i think. so it sounds a bit unnatural for someone like him to be single. he seems to be a bit awkward around girls though. i wonder if that's the reason. or.... is he... gay??!
oh, ok. i think it's unfair to presuppose that something's off about the person just because he's not in a relationship, so id stop now. still, i really hope he's not gay. i have nothing against gays. it's just that i use to like someone who turned out to be gay and it sucked big time. so yeah.. sana talaga hindi.
but of course, gay or not, it wouldnt make so much of a difference unless he'd end up liking me. he's prone to knocking off things whenever im around. i dont know what i did that's making him so nervous. i made sure to be at my friendliest whenever im near him. i wonder what should i do to be less scary. this is kind of upsetting, really. and not to mention, so highschool. haha. kadiri na to, so enough na.
a few more hours and im gonna back to real world... really, i just want some more sleep.
Written by cinderellaareus at 09:00 PM.
less than 3hrs sleep.
sabi nila nakaka emo daw pag kulang sa tulog.
grabe antok na antok ako, gusto ko nang mag suicide.
ok, charot lang...wah! so bored.
was reading izzy's newsletter. he was talking about taking action and all.
little steps everyday.
just take action.
it got me a bit motivated for a few seconds. which made me think, "yeah, i need to start writing a plan and think."
and then i ended up writing here instead.
maybe i should start researching about how to combat laziness and procrastination.
or maybe i should sit and force my eyes to look down in this f*cking sheet of paper and finish writing this d*mn plan.
Written by cinderellaareus at 09:31 AM.
minutes left to decide whether to come or not.
its a friday.
boredom is starting to become my middle name.
something. should. change.
Written by cinderellaareus at 03:32 PM.
had my haircut twice during the weekend. it was now very short i think i look like a lesbian. hahaha.
i guess i have to live with the damage for the next 3 months. hopefully not more than that. sighs.
was writing down a plan yesterday when i got hold of my battered 2015 planner. checked each and every entry i jotted down in there since the year started. i remember the 1st quarter of the year on a creative entrep summit with the wbp girls. i remember how much they've changed over the year. and with it i felt the pang of enviousness knowing i didnt change one bit.
i wanted change.
for the past months i made change happen.
ear pierce. haircut after haircut. hair color after hair color. and list goes.
or did i?
two months more before the year expires... i know this feeling very well...
a few days back ive met a few people. among them, it was this kid who caught my attention.
we were told to separate ourselves into two groups. one will be those who would speak in english, tagalog or whichever language they prefer. and the other one will speak in pure japanese.
i stood up to join the pure japanese group. she then asked, "lilipat ka?" to which i replied something like, of course, isnt that why we came here for? to which she said, "oh sige na nga. pero sasama lang ako sayo ha.."
well, i dont know. i feel like i can see myself in this kid. i think what she really aim for is greatness.. but for some reason she disguises her aspirations into something smaller. maybe so that people will not tag her as someone too ambitious. i dont know. i think its such a waste.
pero kahet ganun natutuwa parin ako sa kanya. nakita ko kasi sa kanya yung flame..yung passion.burning. and her choice of words were very similar to mine (i.e.. take risk, try, kakayanin). natutuwa pag nakakakita ako ng mga ganun tao. so i tried to encourage and help her out. because she's just like me. and to my surprise, i learned she's also a CE grad and licensed din. she's about to be sent in japan next year...nice.. kung ano man ang inaaspire ng batang to sana maabot nya.
in a way, siguro namimiss ko rin yung dating ako. nasa akin parin naman yung flame.. but it no longer burns like the way it use to. sometimes im scared that the monotony in my life will soon extinguish this fire. i want to protect this fire but lately ive been feeling so powerless. hindi ko alam kung kaya ko ba. nalulungkot ako.
madalas wala naman talaga akong pakialam. pero kung may isang bagay siguro na kinatatakutan ko... siguro yun e yung lumipas ang panahon at gumising nalang akong nagsisisi dahil hindi ko na pala kayang abutin pa yung mga panagarap ko. ayokong mangyari yun. ayoko talaga..
less than a couple of weeks before KCON. i already filed my leaves at the office. hindi ko mafeel ung usual excitement na nafefeel ko everytime na naiisip ko yung kcon nuon. pero sana naman, maging maayos lahat.
another absolute zero hour sleep. i wonder when will i ever outgrow insomnia.
Written by cinderellaareus at 03:12 PM.
"Showing up is often the hardest part in anything we do."- Sean Kim, Thought Catalog
read this in TC. i can never agree more.
sometimes i wish "showing up" doesnt have to feel like a suicide mission.
Written by cinderellaareus at 01:40 PM.
a: mag-asawa ka na kasi para di ka na nag-iisa
z: san naman nanggaling yan?
y: pero in fairness, maraming kagaya natin sa feast, swear
y: yung tipong lost, paikot-ikot lang
z: so, lost at paikot ikot tayo?
c: ayaw mo ba i- consider magpa lifecoach
z: ako? why? mukha bang need ko ng lifecoach? hahaha
s: may date ka?
z: wala. *ubo ubo*
s: yappari (sabi na nga ba). proteksyon ha.
sa totoo lang, kakaunti lang ang nakakausap ko sa isang buong araw.
tas mga ganito.. haha. ewan.
mejo tinatamaan ako ng lungkot atbp lately. i dont know.
a few days before kcon. madalas nagagamot naman ng kcon ang whatever loneliness na nararamdaman ko at the moment. so, yeah.. looking forward to the coming kcon.
was on the verge of replying to your text kasi nga nalulungkot ako.
makatarungan ba to?
ages after ignoring u and never-say-die parin ang drama mo.
if i didnt know better, i would've thought that maybe you're actually worth considering.
but then, of course, i know better.
Written by cinderellaareus at 01:42 PM.
why am i counting time?
its a saturday. niece's back home. tomorrow we're gonna do some Christmas shopping.
i was happy yesterday.
and then here's that hollow feeling again.
seems like my calculations were wrong after all.
i miss you.
i should stop missing you like this.
will it hurt you as much.. if.. if in any case.. if ill be...
5 days before kcon.
5 days and i know im gonna be cured from all these.
cured? or will that too be just a temporary relief?
i dont know.
i will find out.
Written by cinderellaareus at 04:02 PM.
megan and the boyfriend, ching, gave my num to ching's cousin, m.
m and i's been texting for some time.
sabi ni megan, gwapo daw.
sabi pa nga ni ching, no gf since birth daw..
m: ok lang ba na mag meet tayo?
z: sure no prob.
jeez.. pag hindi gwapo to.. sasakalin ko si megan!!! hahahah..
charot. mejo na ooff lang ako on how he's acting as if the whole meet up thing is for us to be an item or something. hindi ba pwedeng get to know each other as friends lang muna?? i mean.. hindi ba talaga pwede yun? tipong chat over a cup of coffee lang. ganun. ewan ko. masyado ba akong elementary for these stuff?
well, bahala na. if things wont go well, i hope we can at least end up as friends.
Written by cinderellaareus at 08:31 PM.
the day has come.
definitely feels like a suicide mission.
i know this is just a testament on how terrible my socializing skills really is.
we already said yes. i know i will feel bad if id back out from my words. i like keeping my words like a man(though every molecule of me is a woman).
but really, i just want to go home and keep my peace.
but will that make me a better person?
i know this is a chance for me to grow. to evolve from my perpetually hermit self into a normal human being.
can i just dissolve into oblivion right now?
Written by cinderellaareus at 02:43 PM.
suicide mission over. i didnt die. woohoo!!
it wasnt bad. it was sort of fun even.
know what, a few days back, partner noticed some guy officemate to which he said "not bad" (translation: "mejo gwapo") to which i agreed and since then he never stop teasing me to the guy.
last night he kept teasing me even when the guy's actually around. good thing he's teasing me in japanese so the guy and the others dont really have an idea. jeez... i just hope partner would get over with all these teasing soon. nahihiya na kasi ako. baka magka effect. haha. leche.
partner was "observing" the women at the area, giving comments from time to time, until out of the blue, he told me, "marami ka palang kakompetensya", still pertaining to the guy he's teasing me with. i wonder if he's really buying into the idea.
i too observed the women in there. it just fascinates me how different they are from the women im accustomed to (ie. my friends, acquaintances, people i worked with, etc.) who are mostly more on the victorian side. when i was younger, it use to shot my brows up whenever i see women like this. but right now i actually see them as people where i can learn something from. and though different in many aspects, i think we all have a common denominator. we all seek men's attention.. we're just doing it differently. and to some, they seek every man's attention, some are just interested to get that from that one man they cherish the most. i guess it's not a case where one is bad and the other is good. we just happen to be different. and that's ok.
i often like just one guy at a time. so it follows that i only seek that one guy's attention. some girls aim to catch men's eyes (i think that's rather easy since men are visual creatures). i often aim to catch the man's heart (i realize though that in order to catch a man's heart, you need to catch his eyes first). i wonder if that's the reason why i do things differently... but then again, i guess, we all do.
ice's asking to watch mockingjay together.
and college friend's setting up some meetup to watch some tagalog movie i have no idea about.
i said yes on both.
but in reality, my social juices are all exhausted i just want to stay home and sleeeeep. i dont even want to see my friends. i do miss them though.
my friends had change. i too did. and we're still changing. as i watch the changes in my friends' life, i feel like im becoming clearer in the kind of life i want to live.
if clarity comes, can the realization of the dreams be far behind?
maybe one can actually care for a person even without having to own that person...
Written by cinderellaareus at 01:13 PM.
will be meeting ice later in the afternoon to watch mocking jay.
hours to go. hair's still wrapped up in some kaartehan treatment thingy.
currently checking BPI's franchise finder list. para akong lalagnatin. huhu.
i use to have the money but not have the time.
now i have the time, but not the money.
instead of whining about it, ive decided im gonna work on this until the day comes that im gonna have both.
feeling a bit blue still. must be the coming season.
some company called.. offering some eng'g position.
made me remember some quote ive read somewhere that goes,
"you can have anything in life, but you cant have everything in life."
making a choice requires letting go of your other options. but unless you become courageous enough to decide, then you're gonna have a hard time moving on to your next journey.
hindi naman talaga ako confident sa mga choices ko. especially since my support group doesnt even agree on me at all in most of my decisions. sometimes i feel like they have a point. but then, in the end, i want the decision to be all up to me.
i cannot tell what kind of life the future holds for me. i think the only thing that i can do is to give my best shot and let the heavens do the rest.
i want to stop fighting with life. i want to have it as my ally instead.
Written by cinderellaareus at 12:58 PM.
it was a hot monday morning and im wearing black. i feel like my shirt's absorbing all the heat of metro manila.
lesson learned. i will never ever wear black again.
holiday monday at work. uber buryo mode. wala akong makulit sa mga friends ko online kasi nga wala naman silang pasok.
office's back to normal.. but then when it comes to this office, im not so sure what's normal anymore.
was at the chap this morning. last thurs, i wrote a letter and drop it in their petition/love offering box. it was immediately granted... so today, it made me think, "wait, let's do this again" .. and so i took another sheet of paper, wrote down my thanks and a few more things. i was surprised, when i was finished, i was able to fill the page back to back. read what i wrote and it got me teary eyed. parang ang weird na naiiyak ka sa sarili mong sinulat.
been feeling this twisting pain in the chest as if what's inside my rib cage is being tied up into a knot. i know this feeling very well because ive felt this twice before. i know this is a call for a massive change.. but the Lord knows i cant afford to do that at the moment.
shucks... ano bang gagawin ko, God? huhu..
bro and i formulated some plan yesterday. when we were finished with the brainstorming, he was like, "asahan ko na yan ha.. baka bumack-out ka naman.." sheeeshh..and here i am thinking all along that im not the type who backs out.
i want to not overthink anything about it right now. over the years kasi, narealize ko na ang delaying tactics ko sa buhay e to complicate things too much untill id end up not doing them at all.. so ill try to trick myself into seeing through this idea by making everything as simple as possible.
ayoko na muna matakot, or mag alala, or mag-isip at all. id do what i can... act lang. tipong robotic act para walang emotion. kasi pag may emotion baka matakot na naman ako, or tamarin, or mag back out. so hanggat hindi ko natatapos to, kailangan ko munang maging robot.
yeah. im a robot. jeez.
Written by cinderellaareus at 03:05 PM.