Entries for October, 2017
I know this.
That feeling when your stomach tightens into a knot at the thought of not seeing him there.
Of going crazy knowing that he will be with this other girl (eventhough he said she's someone else's), because you know what presence can do and it drives you nuts.
How you try so hard not to look obvious whenever your eyebrows fly off the ceiling everytime he's talking with another girl. Or girls for that matter.
If it's up to you, you'd want him all for yourself, but you believe that being jealous is so unattractive, so you keep your cool.
Keeping cool didn't bring you so far back then.... Why insist? Idk.
This is what I hate about allowing someone to hold a place in your heart. These mini tortures that are side effects of caring about another human being other than yourself.
And I thought I wouldn't like you.
Still feeling not fine. Probably bday blues. I know my life is not really as bad as how it feels like.
I still wish I feel otherwise though.
I heard from jane earlier about how one shouldn't let the mess inside be projected outside. Good point.
Still thinking if I'd attend the meeting on Fri. I need a bday rest, but my mentee will deliver her 1st speech and I feel bad to even consider allowing her deliver her speech without her mentor. Pero kasi...
I've been feeling so low lately I prefer fewer human interaction. I did see them a few days back though and it went well naman. Idk. I still have a day to decide. Bahala na.
Wait, I need to sleep.
Written by cinderellaareus at 10:34 PM.
In an excel file, I have a list of movies I've watched since Inception. I'm on my 17th. I aim to finish 100 before the year ends. Jeez. What a life goal.
Limitless was my 11th. Not a 5 but I was amazed by the concept. If the drug NZT-48 does exist, puteeek, id drink one in a heartbeat...
I remember Richard Bach wrote in his book, Illusions, “If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and heartbeats.”
I remember the main character there, after drinking the drug, started cleaning his place, started dressing up, then talked to people... One doesn't really need an NZT-48 to do that, right? Maybe I can start from there. Maybe from there I can get to where I want. Or what I want... Oh damn this.
Today is Shutter Island. Boy, I need something light tomorrow...
The world is too noisy today. Maybe I should show a portion of my fangs to silence them down.
Written by cinderellaareus at 04:00 PM.
The movie may not touch you the way it touched me,
but if I am to rate this with 5 stars as the highest,
I'd give this a 10.
Written by cinderellaareus at 03:57 PM.
Maganda naman ending, pero bothered na bothered talaga ko.
Need something light later.
This is surely one of the best though.
"Hi Z! Are you the latest model of Tide? Joke."
Someone sent me this message yesterday. I know this is lovelife related since he posted something like this earlier. Calcula, calcula... Whatebs.
Ang daming pampam sa mundo lately, tapos this. Pero in a way, ok lang rin. At least, they seem harmless.
Been sleeping and eating a lot lately. These past few days, I've been spending my 2-hr morning break and 1-hr lunch at the sleeping quarters, sleeping. Yung 4-6 hours total na bus rides ko, tulog lang rin ako. Sabi nila sleeping and eating a lot are the symptoms of the lonely.
The past few days were actually good though. I turned a year older last Friday. Mom bought the cake I requested (black forest from red ribbon) and 1 bilao of palabok. The neighbor brought pancit and malagkit.
The following day, I tasted some really good sushi. It's been a long while since I tasted it this good. There were also takoyaki, some tempura and beef yakiniku we grilled ourselves. Syempre marami pang iba pero super winner yung sushi. It was so good I've been having dreams about it. Ang hard no?
The following Monday, had a date with bff who just came from Malaysia. We watched a super korni movie, but our really nice kwentuhan more than compensated. I think my birthday this year is so far the nicest compared to the previous years.
Still feeling not so fine though. Maybe because I've been eating a lot and my clothes no longer fit well which is kind of depressing.
We have this biggest loser challenge in our club. It buffles me how my body has this habit of making me eat more just when I need to lose weight. Ok lang rin.
Tito is going back to Pinas from Dubai. We will be having a mini reunion on Saturday. I dread that I might look hideous in pictures. Ang taba ko na kasi. Huhu. #firstworldproblem
Last MidCon in Bacolod. Most of my TM friends are there. I've went out with them on many occasions but never on an out-of-town trip like this. I bet it is going to be fun if join them, but seeing how much and how often they eat through their fb posts alone is making my stomach churn already.
When I was younger, I'd be lucky if I'd be able to do it once daily. Back then, once would suffice. I used to envy people who can do it 2-3 times a day. Feeling ko kasi mas healthy, but now that I'm older and with my body changing, I now have the need to do it every after meal. Not once, not twice, not trice, but every after meal! Can you imagine the hassle? It wouldn't have to be an issue if only PH is just like JP where there are decent toilets everywhere.
Grabe, ang dami kong issue sa buhay. Lol.
But maybe I'd join them in 2019 sa Discon. My super idol, Dananjaya, is coming daw eh. The heck with my stomach problems, I can't miss that, right? Sana by then, kasama ko sa contestants ng district contest and then maybe I can end up as a champion too para astig. Hehe.
2019. TM pa ba ko non? Nasa Elite pa kaya ko non? Ang daming pwedeng mangyari in a day, how much more in years. Well, we'll see.
Any recommendations for a feel-good movie I can watch later?
Written by cinderellaareus at 08:27 AM.
She used to say, "Moana ako," but Tita, who loves to annoy her, told her, "Hindi ka Moana. Ako Moana. Ikaw Maui." Instead of getting annoyed, she disarmed Tita with her cutest smile and replied, "Ah, Maui."
Tita lost it.
One time, Mom saw she had ballpen marks on her skin. When asked, "bakit ang daming sulat sa hita mo?" She answered, "E kasi Maui ako e." Jeez. Seriously, will I ever win against this girl.
Our baby Kaitlyn is turning 3 on Nov 2. I love our baby girl to bits and I pray that she'll remain as sweet and adorable as always. Maybe she can grow to be a little less maldita also.
We will be flying to the far off island of Naic Cavite the following Saturday to attend the party. Nakakatamad. Bukod pa don, TM meeting the night before, so it's either I skip the meeting, or go to the party without sleeping. Feeling ko ang dami ko nang na-skip na meeting nitong taon na to.
Weekends are packed with family related activities. Tito just got back from Dubai and there'll be a number of family gatherings until he and Tita will fly back on Nov 10. Gathering means eating fiesta. Great, just when I got myself in our club's biggest loser challenge. If it's just me, ok lang. Hindi naman talaga ako competitive. Pero kasi I was partnered up with Ivan and our place in the challenge will be decided based on the average of our results. Enebenemenyen. Huhu.
KCON on Nov 23-26. Imposibleng hindi ako kakain. That's 2 weeks before the weigh in. My gawd!
Family gathering a few days back. As expected, they're still obsessed with my lack of love life (at least, that's what they always assume). Cool naman ako. I even invented a lot of witty comeback for this, but this time, I was caught off guard.
Mom had a bestfriend when we were young. Tita Lita. When she died from childbirth, her husband married my tita, mom's younger sister. The marriage gained Tita 2 step children, a boy and a girl. The boy is now about 40 or late 30s and is still single. Tito told me before that if only he and Tita aren't married, he would have wanted his son to end up with me daw. That made me cringe but I just let it slide.
Pero that day on our family gathering, they went all out. Tita told me right within the boy's earshot, "ba't hindi nalang kaya kayo ni kuya * mo? Okay lang yan, hindi naman kayo magkadugo."
I was shookt. I know they've been desperate to find the boy a mate, but I can't believe they would, in their desperation, consider me. "Dyos Mio Marimar" was all I managed to say. I'm still all ewwww pag naiisip ko to and it's not because the boy looks bad (he doesn't!), it's just that, it feels like incest. I think, even if he's not Tita's step son, he's a family friend so parang family na. Incest parin yun.
I wasn't offended or anything. I just find it weird how people seem to want to "treat" singleness like it's a disease or something. Sometimes I wish I can feel their urgency too though. Because if so, then maybe I would at least exert an effort to improve my love life.
On a date with bff the Monday that followed my birthday, she told me something about being in a relationship. She said na before daw, nung single pa sya, she thought that being in a relationship is so much of a big deal. Pero ngayong my bf sya, she realized na hindi naman daw pala. Na ang pinagkaiba lang ng single sa in a relationship e yung may ready lang kasama if gusto mo pumunta somewhere or may ready kang kausap if gusto mo ng kausap. Natuwa lang ako sa humility at sincerity nya. Well, she is my bff for a reason.
Sa tingin ko, simple lang naman if gusto mo magka jowa. Magpa cute ka sa type mo hanggang sa magustuhan ka nya. If hindi effective, e di yung dude na may gusto sayo na hindi mo type, patulan mo na. Simple lang naman di ba? Ang hindi lang magets nung mga tao na wala sa sitwasyon mo e yung angle na, "wait, kailangan ko ba talaga?"
Written by cinderellaareus at 08:35 AM.
It's a Thursday and I'm out of the cage. I had the Wednesday planned out but didn't push through. It's alright.
I set the alarm 6am but woke up 2 hours earlier. Tried and failed to sleep again so when the alarm rang, I stood up and did a 23minutes exercise. I was actually looking forward to this day, I don't know why I'm feeling so gloomy now that this day has come.
I can hear birds chirping, and by the window, the sky is gloomy white. Mukhang mabigat na yung ulap pero ayaw paring umulan.
TM Friday tomorrow. Gabby and Ivan won't be there. Since this won't be the first time that we're gonna hold the meeting without anyone of them, I was confident that we can push this through. Well that was until LA informed us that she couldn't make it tomorrow too. Jeez, can I panic? Well, I'm nervous too. Pero more sad than nervous. Nakakalungkot din kasi pag wala sila. I know the meeting can't just be the same without them. Hayyyst, nakakalungkot.
With LA absent, I'd be the highest ranking officer present tomorrow. I don't mind doing the setup and everything else that can be done silently behind the scene, pero kasi kailangan ko rin i-welcome yung guests. The rest of the officers will probably get there at least a few minutes before the meeting start. I think kailangan ko rin kausapin hung mga new members, make them feel at home and all. Iniisip ko palang, para na 'kong lalagnatin. It will be a whole lot easier if only LA can be there too.
Ang bilis ng panahon. Halfway through October na. Feeling ko nga, November na. I booked a super cheap space to sleep for 3 nights around Pasay in time for the KCON. When I told Mom, she bombarded me with questions and things like, 'sinong kasama mo?', 'ba't di ka nalang kila tita mo?', 'maraming pinapatay sa hotel.' Lol. Nakakapraning tuloy.
This is my 5th year of attending KCON. 5 years? Grabe, parang ang bilis lang and yet that's about 1/6th of my life na.
Ang bilis ng panahon. Nakaka emo.
32 years and I'm yet to figure out what I really want to do.
Pero sabi ni Tim Ferriss, maling question daw yung 'what do I want?'
The question should be, 'what excites me?' I guess that's way easier to answer.
I know the things that excite me. Some of these, I actually do on a regular basis. Some requires a whole lot of money than I possess. Some, I can afford. Still, all of it, in a way, requires money.
Money may not be everything, but it feeds you, it pays your lifestyle, it funds your dreams and most of all, it's a tool that can help you love extravagantly.
Puteeeek, kailangan ko na talagang kumita ng pera.
Saan nga pwede magbenta ng kidney?
Written by cinderellaareus at 11:32 AM.
Minsan, ok lang naman.
Pero putek, minsan may mga araw talaga na gusto mo nalang magpakalayu-layo at iwanan lahat.
sa tingin ko madalas naa-underestimate ng tao ang ability nilang baguhin ang sarili nilang buhay.
sa tingin ko naa-underestimate ko ang ability ko na baguhin ang sarili kong buhay.
Written by cinderellaareus at 02:52 PM.
It takes so much time, money and efforts that I'm starting to question if this is even worth it.
This sucks, but I'm probably leaving.
Written by cinderellaareus at 02:07 PM.
I found a really nice set of movies lately. Not really so much a fan of love stories recently, but these are good. Minimalist, painfully realistic. The one i watched today is the prequel of the one I've watched yesterday. In the movie, the girl talked about how scared she is about dying.
I've been in a few accidents before. The worst happened when I was sleeping in a bus. Woke up as the bus skidded. I remember there were shards of broken glasses flying in front of me and i found that one of my sleeves was soaked with blood. I'm pretty sure I wasn't scared then. I remember i even waited—more like eagerly anticipated—that our bus will collide into one of the colossal columns in EDSA. I remember wondering how the collision will feel like. That event made me think that maybe I'm not really scared of dying.
The jeep I was riding earlier was fast. I wondered if that was going to be my last night. Funny, didn't mind that much.
Things are pretty bad. I ran out of ways to fix things. As I sleep tonight, I can only hope that the Heavens will just fix everything for me.
Yeah, I haven't felt this bad in a while.
Written by cinderellaareus at 09:51 PM.
This is one of my favorites from Og Mandino's scroll. When Joey de Leon's depression related comment was still hot, I wasn't one of those who cried foul because I think there is some truth to that idea. It was just that Joey didn't wrap his idea/comment in a better package. We are all about packages these days, aren't we?
Before I start feeling bad again, well, yeah, I remember the scroll. That 'I am a master of my emotions' thingy. Last night before I slept, I went to parents' room. Mom was eating peanut butter sandwich and I took a bite, then suddenly things weren't so bad anymore. I think the world can fall apart, but as long as I'm with the people I love, kahit ano pa yan, kaya ko yan.
There will be an event today. I feel far from wanting to socialize, but I already said yes.
The world demands so much of me lately. Did I sign up for this? Maybe I did.
When down with 2 choices, what will you choose? Live with it until you hate it? Or just leave?
Written by cinderellaareus at 08:01 AM.
"Minsan kasi akala mo lang hindi mo mahal."
I raised an eyebrow when someone told this to me. Truth is I'm pretty much clear on how I feel, I just don't talk about it.
"So anong reaction mo," you asked. I would love to give you a mega eyeroll to the max, you dense moron. Kainis ka.
I was pissed off. If this was the reaction you're after, then you win. But of course, you will never get the luxury of knowing.
You started all these yet there you were, you couldn't even bear looking when I was with this other boy, and for the record, it wasn't ochestrated.
When not in battle mode, I'm always on the defensive side. Weapons of choice: denial and pretense. Weird how I kept on doing this for the past decade even if I know that it doesn't really work.
Why not try honesty and sincerity instead, Z? Maybe you'll end up getting a different result.
Nah, too much work. Besides, hindi ko rin naman yata mapapangatawanan pa. I'm pretty messed up on my own, why bring someone along?
But if I will be asked if I'll be okay with you ending up with someone else, I'm certain that my answer will be 'no'.
Well, be it.
Written by cinderellaareus at 10:35 AM.