: September 2, 2022



In a few weeks it will be our 7th wedding anniversary.

wow. seven years na pala 'yun.

Narinig ko dati sa mga kabarkada ko, it's a sort of pamantayan ng "tatag" in a relationship kapag nalagpasan niyo na ng asawa or boyfriend mo ang ika-pitong taon.

But of course that is not entirely true. Merong naghihiwalay after 10 years, 15 years, yung iba nga kung kailan may mga apo na. Hindi talaga natin masasabi. 

I've been pondering a lot about it since hubby and I have been clashing more often lately. 

Hindi pa naman ako sanay sa away. I've never seen my parents argue whenever me and my sister are around. Hubby only confronts me when the kids are asleep and never shouts so it's fine.  So I just remain quiet and I let him do all the "nagging" at alam kong mas nagagalit sya kasi hindi naman ako nagsasalita.

Hindi ko kasi alam kung tama ba ang mga isasagot ko, bilang halos araw araw naman na pakiramdam ko wala akong tamang ginagawa sa trabaho, baka ganun din sa bahay, mali na naman ang mga isasagot ko. 

Hindi naman niya pinatatagal na magkagalit kami. So we're okay now. 

Ako naman talaga ang may kasalanan dito so I apologized. 

Pero naiisip ko pa din kung gaano kabait ang asawa ko. Forgiving me everytime I apologize. Letting it pass on other times that I know I have failed to be a dutiful wife- e.g. unfolded laundry, unscrubbed bathroom walls, sleeping rather than cuddling, sleeping rather than cooking and joining him for our usual Sunday midnight snack. 

I'm sad that I am not giving him the best version of myself. 

This downgraded version prefers to count the number of sleeping hours she will get at night rather than staying up late to watch TV with him. Takot akong mamatay ng maaga sa I make sure I get at least 7 hours of sleep. Binibilang ko talaga yan sa kamay ko tuwing gabi. 

This is the version who used to start confrontations because she wants to work it out. No matter how scary the response will be. Now, it's too tired to even talk. 

Maybe I allowed the best version to get consumed by the wrong people.

So here it is, simply tired even after so many years. 



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Written by MeantimeNars at 06:54 AM.

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私の名前はZです。

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