oh tabby..

i didnt know he was there..i checked twice for names..he was not on the list.

the jelly legs failed me. i tried to smile. he just stared. i looked away..

the day went on.there were efforts to communicate. it wasnt really bad..really.. i wish i could have done more..

the past and the now.

he sure changed. so what do i feel?really..there's still this heavy feeling.. this feeling of having left something unresolved..i have a feeling that this could be just on my part. its pathetic really.

so what do i want? i really dont know about the past. did we have that past? or did i just imagine it all? i dont want to go on like this..i want an end to this, but how?

I miss him..thats the only truth i know..

it sucks that while im having this messed up thoughts of him and there he is going on and about on his life and all..but what am i supposed to do..

but this i know and maybe id do..something im best at..

running away..

pretending i don't feel this way..i wont be seeing him for long..thats for sure..so it wouldnt be so difficult to forget..and walk away from this thoughts..fill my mind with something else..

im tired. . id like a guy and another but it will always send be back to thinking about him. comparing every seemingly wonderful guys. seeing him in each and every one of them. searching for similarities..feeling the differences. all these years i feel like ive been fooling myself into an illusion that i can only love once in my life. even if im not really sure if it had been love at all.

i want to run away. i want to leave the thoughts of you behind. i want my peace. i want to choose a good future for myself without having to hold on to an illusion of us. 

run away..without you following me in my dreams..or in my waking hours. without you materializing in my thoughts.. 

i cant be so hard, can it?

----

oh,

im giving up..

09:17 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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