Ang busy ng buhay. I no longer chew my food. I just swallow it right away. Lol.
1 hr lunch is not enough to answer chat and messages outside work. I felt Mom's disappointment when I told her I'm not going home tonight. On Sunday, it's my brother's birthday.
Oh wait, here's my food.
01:23 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
So the trainer told me that her Citrix is not working so she'll have another agent train me instead.
As the training progressed, the agent said, "actually, ako yung nag presintang i-train ka. Bakit? Kasi, gusto ko lang."
This sounded so damn familiar. Nilalandi ba ko neto?
09:14 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Pag napang-asawa ko po si Mr. Chill, magdo donate po ako ng 300000 sa simbahan...
So, Lord... baka naman...
Kung ipapakita ko ang picture nya sa friends ko, alam kong wala sa kanila ang magsasabi ng "gwapo", pero para sakin, gwapo sya.
Ang laki ng tinaba nya mula ng una kaming nagkakilala. Quits lang, ako rin naman. At gusto ko parin naman sya.
Loko loko lang talaga yung lalaking yun. Ayoko talaga sa lalaking makulit. Gusto ko kasi yung graceful and dignified. Pero iba kasi si Mr. Chill.
Wala akong masabi sa bait ng taong iyon. Sa dami ng lalaking nakilala ko, sya lang yung nakita kong ganun. Sabi nila wala naman daw perfect, pero para sakin, perfect na sya.
Years ago, hiningi ko narin sya sa Langit. Ayun, "hindi" ang isinagot sakin. Or was it "hindi muna"?
Well, malalaman natin.
There were a few people na may sakit sa office. With my swollen tonsils, feeling ko magkakasakit na rin ata ako.
I already confirmed my attendance for our meeting this Friday. My attention this week was so focused on my new work that I sometimes forgot that Toastmasters exists and that I belong there.
This Sunday will be my brother's birthday. We will celebrate on Saturday. Brother will treat us on a buffet meal and he also invited some of our tita's.
Umaga na ko makakauwi ng Saturday. Ang daming nagaganap sa Earth.
08:31 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
I got back the office after a bio break and found people gathering near my temporary seat, solving some helpdesk problem. It looked simple to me, but I shut my mouth. Of course, I could be wrong.
Feeling ko, well, feeling ko lang naman, Nua*ce people can solve most of the work issues here even with their eyes closed. Again, feeling ko lang naman.
... mejo nalulungkot na ko...
01:30 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Trying to pass time. Alas sais pa out ko. Sabi ng trainor after 30 minutes lecture, bukas nalang daw iba. Namemorize ko na ang mga nakasulat sa dingding. Wala pa kong pc login I have no way of pretending to be busy. Pwede kaya matulog muna?
Brother and I was having a convo abt men. He said na ang gusto daw ng mga lalaki e yung mejo boyish. Ayaw daw ng mga lalaki yung maarte at matagal mag-ayos. Ayaw din daw nila yung matagal mag shopping. He even joked na nagoyo lang daw sya ng asawa nya.
Iniisip ko lang... may babae bang hindi maarte, mabilis mag-ayos at mabilis mag shopping? Feeling ko kasi, kung lalaki ka, at ganito ang hanap mo, mas mainam siguro na humanap ka na nalang ng isa pang lalaki. Lol.
I got the same thinking though.
Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit pag nagsama sama ang mga lalaki, para silang kitikiti. Pwede naman lumakad ng maayos, may pa sirko sirko pa. Kailangan ba talaga nilang maging laging magulo?
Ngayon, naiintindihan ko na kung bakit ang dami sa mga lalaking nagustuhan ko noon ang bading. Mas pino kasi silang kumilos at hindi yung lundag ng lundag. Lol.
Pero sa totoo lang, gusto ko parin ang mga lalaki.
Iniisip ko lang, paano kaya matagumpay na nare-reconcile ng mga mag-asawa or mag jowa ang mga ganitong differences.
03:41 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Because I slept my Sunday away, hindi na ko nakatulog kagabi. Day 2 is a day when I'm supposed to observe. There's nothing to observe though. Walang magawa. Antok na antok na ko. Wala rin naman ginagawa sa dati kong trabaho, pero at least, pwede matulog.
Ansakit ng paa ko. Bakit ba ko nag high heels?
Sabi nila 1 month pa daw yung ganito. Walang ginagawa. I thought this is an urgent position.
Uwing uwi na ko. T_T
11:23 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Feels like a jobless weekday today. My brother's out to pick my niece from Cavite, it took me some time to realize that, 'wait, today is Sunday!' and 'no, you're no longer jobless'.
I don't feel so high and happy today. No particular reason. I just don't. Maybe that's okay.
Natuwa ako sa napanood ko sa Sacred Sky. The seer said something like, "it's true that it is in darkness that we can create and become creative, but you have to realize that you don't have to stay there. YOU CAN ALSO CREATE IN THE LIGHT. And there's clarity the light can provide that the darkness couldn't."
It took me some time, and I've faught so many battles. But now I can feel like I'm no longer drawn to the darkness and it's such a relief. I don't know if one can really continue to be an artist even after leaving the darkness. But if not, then so be it. I don't really mind being normal. I think 'average' is underrated. All fine.
At the orientation a few days back, I felt like I'm walking on eggshells at first. I wanted so much to blend in that I found myself downplaying everything abt myself just so people woundn't feel uncomfortable around me. I heard their story. I know we're different. But then I realized, "bakit?"
I think we shouldn't underestimate other people's ability to accept those who are different from them. I know this stems from my own difficulty in relating to those who are different from me. Siguro kailangan mo rin lang talagang subukan.
So I told them I'd be working as a j-bilingual. They had the idea right off about the possible pay. Of course, I didn't tell them. They said, "shala ka pala", so sabi ko, "hindi rin." In the end, ok naman. Sinabi ko rin na wala nga akong ipon, which is true. Baka nga better pa sila sakin on that department.
When they asked, I also told them I was an engineer doing bridge projects in Japan. Some of them gasped, but it didn't make them treat me like an alien afterwards. Siguro nga hindi talaga dapat natin i-underestimate ang kakayahan ng mga tao sa pagtanggap.
I'll be meeting the account on Monday. Hindi naman kasi talaga ako masyadong friendly and it's making me a little anxious. I want all of us to be in good terms at the very least, pero ideally, sana maging friends ko sila. And I know friendship don't just happen... or does it?
Sh*t, I'm probably just being my control freak self again.
During the orientation, marami na kagad bagay akong na miss sa dati kong company. Una sa lahat, yung bidet. Kasi putek, red days ko kaya, hindi ba necessity naman talaga ang bidet?
Nung nag talk yung head ng facilities, I brought out the need for bidet. I felt like it raised the eyebrows of some people there and someone asked me, "wala naman talagang bidet normally, di ba?" It puzzled me because lahat ng pinanggalingan kong company may bidet. First world problem. I know right. But I don't plan to give it a rest hangga't hindi naglalagay ng bidet ang facilities. Hindi naman kailangan na sa lahat ng cubicle e. Kahit isa lang per floor. Ang mura mura lang nun e.
And I also miss the free wifi. Sabi ng kapatid ko, hindi naman daw talaga normal na may free wifi, and I was like, "bakit?"
Pero gets ko. Siguro dapat i-tone daw din ang kaartehan, dahil, hello, kapapasok ko lang dito.
When I started in my previous co, wala rin naman bidet at wifi. So nung nagkaroon ng pa survey, I asked for bidet. I also asked for a full-length mirror sa cr. Both were provided a few days later. No, I didn't ask for free wifi. Maybe they're just feeling generous.
In fairness sa co na to, at least meron silang gym. Sana naman maglagay na rin sila ng bidet.
Sighs. Ang gloomy ng araw na ito. Baka kailangan ko lang maligo. Nakakatamad. -_-
10:48 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
12nn-9pm. We had our orientation today, tas putek, alas siete palang antok na antok na ko.
I thought of going home, pero box office ang pila sa fx, so I'm in Manda now. Dapat pala dumaan na ko sa prev co para matapos na. I'm yet to do the recording they're asking me to do.
Ok lang naman. Willing naman akong gawin yung recording. Ayoko lang pumunta dun ng gabi. Wala kasi akong kakilala sa mga night shift people. Tas yung taong pupuntahan ko pa e nakaupo sa pinaka kalagitnaan ng buong office.
Any introvert will understand kung gaano kalaking torture ang lumakad sa sea of strangers, not knowing what to do. Kaya eto, kahit hassle sakin, pagpipilitan ko talagang pumunta dun ng umaga. Sa Monday na. At least konti lang ang tao at lahat sila, kilala ko.
So back to my Day 1 at Company no.4... Wow! Naka apat na pala ko. When I was in co#1, I was worried at the thought na tumanda na ako dun at hindi ko man lang naranasan kung paano magtrabaho sa ibang kompanya. Oh, now look at me! Already on my 4th. Congratulations, Z!
Ok... I keep deviating from the topic. Back to my 1st day at work, well, ok naman. Halos puro kami babae sa orientation, so hindi masyadong masaya. Lol.
The highlight of the day was that I needed to sign again the contract kasi may mali. So I got to see Sir P again. Wash day ata nila today coz he was wearing t-shirt. I usually see him in a more formal getup. Cute parin naman. Mukhang bagong gupit yata sya. Ngayon ko nga lang napansin na kamukha nya pala si Mr. Chill.
Hindi ako visual na tao, I'm more auditory. Pero yung mga lalaking nagugustuhan ko physically, ganito ata yung common. Mejo dark (basta hindi maputi), tamang cute lang, simple hairstyle, parang laging nakangiti yung eyes, tas yung may distinct na way kung ngumiti. Ang cute ng taong yun pag ngumingiti sya.
Sana ganito yung mapang-asawa ko. Yung gwapo sa paningin ko. Kahit sa paningin ko lang. Ako naman titingin e. Haha.
I was the only new hire from our acct. And every time the hr mentioned my name, she went like, "ah yung Japanese. Yung kay Paolo." And the whole time I was like, "so I'm Paolo's now?"
Pinakikilig ang sarili. Shet, ang highschool. Lol.
Sa Monday I'll meet the people from my acct. I don't really have any expectations whatsoever. Pero sana lang, makasundo ko sila. Or if the Heavens will be a little more generous, maybe He can also help me be good friends with them. Maybe I can get to see this acct as my second home. Maybe I can stay here for good. Well again, wala naman akong expectations. But my hopes are high.
Sana maging maayos ang lahat.
11:33 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Hindi ko alam kung saan nanggagaling ang malungkot na feeling na ito. Siguro dahil mag aalas dos na at ngayon palang ako kakain. Marahil dahil nalipasan na naman ako ng gutom o dahil ilang araw nalang at "red days" na.
Sa harap ko ay lasagna at yayamanin drink na nakuha ko ng libre sa sb. I love lasagna and I love yayamanin drinks. I don't know why I suddenly don't feel like eating.
Something feels wrong. Like I wasn't able to do something I should have. Ganun.
Naisip ko lang ang mga mini landians I engaged in these past few years. If only it all happened with the right person, siguro naka progress na kami into something stable by now.
Sabi sa nabasa ko, isa sa 7 needs ng tao ang uncertainty. Maybe it's true for the young and adventurous. Kasi at some point in our lives, we'll seek the thrill of the unknown naman talaga. But I think I already got past that. I want something sure and predictable for a change.
I was just informed that after the orientation on Friday, my sched for now will be 9AM-6PM, all good. A few weeks back, I overheard a convo where a girl told her other girl companion, "naku, pag nagna night shift pa naman, nabubuntis."
Though I'm perpetually "nene" and I think there's very little likelihood that that will happen to me, mejo nag panic parin ako ng konti. Surely, I do want to build my own family and have kids, but not that way. I don't judge people who've chosen differently, but for myself, I want to do it the conventional way. In a relationship muna, then engagement, then marriage, then kids--strictly in that order. Everyone in our family had it like that.
Z: bale hindi ko na po kayo need hanapin sa Friday no?
P: Oo, hindi mo na ko kailangan.
Sigh. Bye, crushie. T_T
Wait, is this why you're feeling sad, Z?
02:16 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。