Me no itami
火曜日: June 23, 2021



Off work to rest my eyes. Feeling ko scammer yung doc. Sa mahal nung gamot, yet my eyes aren't feeling any better.

Few minutes after opening the tv, sumakit agad yung mata ko, so I spent the afternoon sleeping. My eyes hurt as I write this. It hasn't been 5 minutes since I started.

Dahil natulog ako ng tanghali, ang hirap matulog now.

Ang aga ng pasok ko. Ansakit pa ng mata ko. Good luck talaga sa work bukas. 



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Written by cinderellaareus at 12:33 AM.

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Blue and green
月曜日: June 21, 2021



Lunes, and I'm in the hospital's eye center.

Eyes have been hurting from quite some time. The pain threshold has been decreasing day by day, that today, I can only last a few minutes on gadgets. 

5 eye aparatus in 1 day. Just when I thought the one with the blue light was the nastiest, another one with green light appeared. Parang na torture yung mata ko. My talk with the doctor was light. He seemed positive that there's nothing too much to worry about. I read something about glaucoma before. Hindi naman daw siguro, sabi ng doc. Ayoko non. Tokwa.

I was advised to take 2 days rest and then go back to the hospital after a week. Ang mahal din ng gamot.

Gusto ko lang naman manood ng Naruto. T_T

Last week, I had 10 consecutive days no work WITH pay. Tapos, aba, hindi na naman ako papasok. Mas masaya sana kung pwede akong mag binge watch ng Naruto while resting no?

Ang mahalaga, yung wala akong sakit, at bumalik na sa normal yung mata ko. 



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Written by cinderellaareus at 02:18 PM.

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Kumo
日曜日: June 20, 2021



Ang baba talaga ng EQ ko. Sa ikli ng pasensya ko, naghanap ko ng spoilers ng Naruto. I found out who he'll end up with, if he'll become a Hokage, blah blah. I also happen to find out that he's going to die pala. I didn't read all the details. Ansakit. Now I'm left heartbroken. Kainis.

Sighs. Ano bang ginagawa ko sa buhay ko?

Naalala ko tuloy si Shikamaru. Sabi nya gusto nya daw maging katulad ng ulap, sumasabay lang sa hangin.

I remember when I was young, I wanted to be great. Masyado rin sigurong vague ang naging definition ko ng greatness, kaya until now, I don't know what to seek. What to pursue. Tapos antamad ko pa. Lol.

If you know what you want, you won't need to force yourself to get motivated. I think. Siguro. I don't know.

Gusto ko rin bang maging gaya ng ulap? Parang hindi naman...



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Written by cinderellaareus at 07:10 AM.

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Tuck Forever after
土曜日: June 19, 2021



Been having thoughts about death and stuff. I remember an old book I had. Tuck Everlasting. I don't remember everything from the book, only the part where the girl gave her elixir to a toad to save it forever, thinking that she could anytime get another elixir from the fountain. The elixir was from a boy. He and his family own the fountain, and they all became immortal after drinking the water from it. The boy gave that bottle of elixir to the girl. She's supposed to drink it once she's 17. They promised to meet again. Kamalasan, after nyang ibigay sa toad, tinamaan ng kidlat yung fountain the following day. When the boy came to see her again, ayun, deds na sya from old age.

Walang kinalaman sa moral lesson ng story. Naisip ko lang yung toad. I wonder if it's wise to make your pets immortal. Like, pano kung ma stuck sya sa meat grinder? He'd stay there in pain for all eternity without dying.

Naisip ko tuloy... we were all programmed to fear death. But if you look closely, maybe it's just nature's way of expressing it's kindness to those who suffer.

Tas naisip ko yung religion. Tas naisip ko rin, why do we badly want heaven to be real. Or reincarnation. I mean, can't one life be enough? If death happens to be the end itself, then, what's the big deal? Do we really need more lives?

Ewan ko. Religion makes me feel like I'm sinning whenever I question things. If God is really good, will He throw me to the fires of hell just because I asked for some clarifications?

Hindi ko alam. Hindi ko talaga alam.

---------

Watching Naruto. The subtitles suck. Lol, I need to rely on my Japanese skills most of the time. Average Shonen anime, pero nakakahook parin. Sexist pa. I hate how the author made Sakura and Ino lame heroines. Uraraka of My Hero Academia may not be as good as the main heroes of the anime, pero hindi siya katulad ni Sakura who just sit there getting rescued. I mean, look at Froppy, a female frog hero, pero she's rocking it. Kainis tong Naruto na to. Pero pinapanood ko pa rin. Lol. 

9 seasons. Nasa season 3 palang ako. Sana kumpleto itong nasa Netflix. Sad lang I can't watch it while avail at work, because I'm on VPN.

Pag natupad ko yung pangarap ko na maging mayaman enough to not work at all, ano kayang mangyayari sa buhay ko no? Uubusin ko pa rin kaya yung oras ko araw araw sa netflix?

I remember my theory on how I ended up not eating cheese cake anymore. Naniniwala ako na my body will find a way to kick me out of slumber after some time. Mehehe.

Kaya siguro drawn ako kay Shikamaru. Aliw na aliw ako sa character nya. Sobrang tamad. Lol. Still a genius through and through.

It frustrates me though. The kanji in Gaara's forehead means love. The kanji written in one of the sound village's genin means death. The kanji in 4th Hokage's hat means fire. I'm pretty sure all the other kanji in there were from basic n5 level. Hindi ko mabasa lahat. Kung alam ko lang na kakailanganin ko to ng ganito sana pala nag-aral ako ng maayos noon. I mean, these are kanjis you wouldn't learn from work, you know.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 07:59 AM.

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Deku
土曜日: June 12, 2021



Matatapos ko na yung 5 seasons ng My Hero Academia, di pa rin nadedeliver PC ko for work. I remember they once delivered before, oround 12 MN na. Still waiting. Makaka work na kaya ako bukas?

2 eps left. Bitin to for sure. Dapat talaga completed series lang ang pinapanood. It can be frustrating otherwise. This anime is good. The main character, Midoriya, reminds me of Gon ng Hunter X Hunter. 

I remember Injan and I were huge fans of HXH. I loved Killua, sya naman, so Hisuka ang bet. I'm pretty sure she'll like MHA too. I wonder kung sino sa mga characters ang bet nya. Mine is Kirishima. Todoroki too. I doubt if Injan can still watch anime these days though. 

Dapat around December nalang ako nanood neto. Now I have to wait weekly for new eps.

---‐----

Gusto kong makahanap ng bagay na gusto kong gawin. Something I'd be willing to work really hard for, and actually enjoy the process, hardships included.

Anime side-effect ba to? Tokwa.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 08:06 PM.

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Blessed?
火曜日: June 8, 2021



Said my pc replacement will get to be delivered by the weekends pa. That's a full week without work, but with pay. As much as I'm grateful, I still feel uneasy about it. I feel like I was given a gift I didn't deserve. Bukod don, nahihiya rin ako sa mga kasama ko sa work.

And the oddest part is that I still wish to be free from my job when I'm not even working. Ano bang problema ko?

------

I was supposed to attend a webminar on forex with Mel today. Skipped it and decided to finish watching Encounter instead. Just a few days ago, I felt like I've already set the motion towards the most realistic thing I should work on. What's with this 180 degrees turn? Tae.

I re-watched the 1st episode of Encounter after finishing the final episode. I wanted to see the long-haired Park Bo Gum again, and I also loved the setting (Cuba). Ang ganda rin ng music na pinakinggan nila while watching the sunset. Kahit hindi naman talaga ako mahilig sa music, nagustuhan ko.

-------

I bought 2 cans of beers today. Foreign brands. Something that reminds me of the pre-covid luxuries I used to experience. I miss dim lights, fancy tablewares and table tops, soft music, smell of overpriced coffee, etc. Parang ngayon ko lang naramdaman to simula ng pandemic.

Gusto ko na bago matapos ang lahat ng ito ay malaya na ko.

Alam ko. Wala naman talaga ako sa posisyon para magreklamo. This job is giving me so much more than I will dare to ask. So much more than I actually deserve. Even the past jobs that I had weren't bad either. I used to think that maybe it was because of money. But I do have money now, yet still feels the same.

Then, naisip ko rin na baka dahil lang sa mapapagod ako sa byehe papasok sa trabahaho. Pero hindi na ko nagko commute, pero ganito parin yung feeling. At kahit ngayong isang linggo akong hindi magtatrabaho, andito parin yung feeling na yun.

Anong bang tawag sa feeling na to? The closest that I can think of is the word "trapped". But I feel like it's an unfair label to give to something that's been serving as a huge blessing. I'm sorry, Universe.

I'm turning 36 this year. Hindi ko parin alam kung anong gagawin ko. Hindi ko rin sure kung ano bang gusto kong mangyari. Basta ang alam ko lang, hindi ko gusto to. Lahat ng ginagawa for over a decade, hindi ko gusto. Tokwa... ano bang gusto ko?



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Written by cinderellaareus at 11:09 PM.

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Dapat Pala
月曜日: June 7, 2021



Ika limang araw na ng long weekend ko including my days off last Thursday and Friday. Hindi pa nadedeliver PC replacement kaya hindi pa rin ako nakakapag work. I should be celebrating my extended weekend, yet I still feel... anxious?

I don't know. 

Still watching Encounter. I'm nearly finished. Park Bo Gum on episode 1 had longer wavy hair. He was an absolute hottie looking like that. I thought he'd carry that vibe the entire series, pero binalik ulet sa usual yung hairstyle at pormahan nya after ng 1st episode. Still gwapo though. 

Parang ang perfect ni PBG no? Naalala ko tuloy this guy I've met years ago.

The guy was tall. Nothing close to PBG, but he was also quite good-looking. Good-looking enough that when he passes by, women (and sometimes men) turn their heads for a second look. He also carried clothes so well that he can make a plain sando look fashionable on him. Pogi nga e.

He also got some personality. He was fun. He knew stuff. I truly felt enchanted when we first met. There were even times when I've felt like he was the most wonderful person I've ever met.

Until I've seen the sides I didn't notice at the start. I was so blinded on how he sparkled, I didn't see the sides of him that were dark.

Nung tinitingnan ko tuloy si Park Bo Gum, looking seemingly perfect, naisip ko tuloy kung katulad din ba sya ng lalaking nakikilala ko years ago... I mean, meron kaya talagang lalaking perfect?

Sabagay, ako rin naman hindi perfect. I'm so much far from being one.

Perfect din ba ang hinahanap mo?

Sa totoo lang, hindi rin ako sure kung ano bang hinahanap ko.

I reminisce the past sometimes. Tingin ko, wala akong masyadong pinagsisisihan sa buhay ko, pero na realize ko na ang daming kong mga "dapat pala" stuff. Stuff that I wish I've done or chosen instead. Is this not a "pagsisisi" also? Lol. Ewan ko.

Parang ang lungkot ko today. Wala naman talagang dahilan. Or baka yung kawalan ng dahilan itself ang dahilan, no?



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Written by cinderellaareus at 01:53 PM.

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PBG
土曜日: June 5, 2021



Saiki k live action was so bad even with Kento Yamazaki in it. Di ko na tinapos. Tried to watch Penthouse, pero masyadong masakit sa dibdib, so I watched Love In Moonlight instead. Natapos ko today, so I started watching Encounter. 

Walang hiya, ang adorable ni Park Bo Gum. Lumiliwag ang mundo ko pag nakikita ko sya. Bakit kaya may mga tao na yung looks e iisipin mong favorite siguro sila ni God, no? Lol.

Sa totoo lang, ang boring ng Encounter. Pero para sa ngiti ni Park Bo Gum, pinapanood ko parin. 

------

Hindi ako nakapag work today. Sira PC. Need daw replace sabi ng IT. Nagrequest na ko to have it delivered sa bahay. Baka bukas pa ng hapon yun. Ang saya. Extended ang weekends ko tas with pay pa! Salamat, Universe!

------

Alam mo, dama kong magaganda ang panaginip ko nitong mga nakaraang araw. Pero hindi ko naman talaga maalala.

Feeling ko, magiging maganda ang month of June ko.

...

...

...

...Or baka side effect lang to sa kakatitig ko kay Park Bo Gum. >.<



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Written by cinderellaareus at 09:58 PM.

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PK
水曜日: June 2, 2021



D eff!

So, my live action movie pala ang Saiki K, and Kento Yamazaki—yes, the Alice-in-borderland Kento Yamazaki—played Saiki's role.

Yosh! Mi ni iku!



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Written by cinderellaareus at 10:07 PM.

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私の名前はZです。

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