Been sick for a few days. Wala namang fever, but I feel generally heavy, masakit ang ulo, at winner ang sakit ng lalamunan. Kung employed siguro ako, baka nagka problem na naman ako sa leave.
The first day I was sick, bumuti ang pakiramdam ko after uminom ng lysine. So naglaro ako ng Battle Realm sa laptop at hindi nagbother na magkumot kahit malamig ang aircon. The following day, my head was spinning, and even just speaking was hell painful. Epic yung sakit ng lalamunan ko.
Still sick today. Speaking is less painful, pero mas mahirap ng kumain. Para akong lumululon ng graba pag kumakain ako ng kanin.
Hahhhh. I hate getting sick.
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I'm still jobless. Not that I'm applying for a job anyway. My brother's also jobless and seems to be getting help from our relatives. Probably the salary will be lower than the previous one. Sabi nya, mas okay na daw yun kesa wala.
Haaaaah. Ayoko magtrabaho. Pero kailangan ko ng pera. My earnings from my FB page had increased, but it's not like I can live off with just 25 dollars every two months. Pero umaasa ako na lalaki pa to soon. Sana nga.
Ano bang gagawin ko?
Siguro for now, I have to focus on gutting better first.
09:54 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
A friend sent a screenshot from a message she had with J.
Friend was inviting him for some event as another male friend was coming. Then J was like. "Yeah, pwede. Let's see. Dapat kasama din si Z." That's just his usual flirty banat.
He's always flirty with me in front of our friends, even when I'm not around. Pero pag kami lang, walang ganung usapan. There's this one time that a girl was clinging on to him which made our friends tease the two of them. Then, when we're finally alone, he made it clear to me that he's not interested with the girl, even when I wasn't asking.
Ilang taon na tayong ganito, J? Always flirting, but never really getting there. Sa totoo lang, I'm also not sure what I want to do with you. Siguro, okay na rin yung ganito. One time, I told you I don't want to have children. You paused for a bit, then just shrugged it off. I feel like you're convinced that you can talk me into changing my mind about it. Kahit yung difference natin in religion, sinabi mo na willing kang maging catholic ulet depende sa mapag uusapan, but I don't think you'd actually do it. Worth it ba na kailangan natin mag compromise for eachother?
Well, whatever. Sa ngayon, wala rin talaga ako sa posisyon para mag-isip ng mga ganyang bagay.
Dad's 70th birthday soon. Kailangan ko na namang magbenta ng stocks for that, and for our next month's budget. Wala akong matinong plano on how to earn money ng hindi nagtatrabaho. I'm thinking maybe I can earn through creating social media content, pero hindi pala ganun kadali. Even my BL page, hindi rin tumataas ang earnings. I had higher views when I was in Japan last month. Siguro dahil they have more lenient community guidelines. I have over 5 flagged contents, it seems to be affecting my site's recommendability. Posible kaya na magkaron ako ng kita dito na enough to replace my salary kung mag eeffort ako? Gaano ba kalaki ang market ng BL readers? Haaah. Hindi ko alam.
I also tried to start a travel-related page. 3 contents later, isa lang yung naging subscriber ko. Even Tiktok's not any easier.
Ano bang gagawin ko?
Pag dating ng August at hindi parin ako nakakahanap ng sustainable income, I probably need to find a job na. I feel defeated. God, ano pa bang ibang pwede kong gawin?
Ang weird siguro na pinanghihinaan ka kaagad ng loob, kahit hindi mo pa naibibigay ang lahat ng abot sa makakaya mo.
I'm a self-indulgent, desire-driven type of person. Hindi talaga ako kasipagan. And the times that I succeeded in my endeavors e only during those times na meron akong strong desire to have that something.
I do want to go back to my lifestyle before leaving my previous job. Gusto ko ulet mag travel. And I want to bring my parents to beautiful places, buy the things they like, and make them experience the finer things in life. Sapat ba tong desires ko to make me unstoppable? Sapat ba to to make me kick my lazy ass off and actually do something about my situation?
It's extremely comfortable dito sa bahay, you know. I can sleep long, eat freshly-cooked meals. I don't have to dread the traffic or getting wet when it's raining. I can cuddle my cats, my niece and nephew, annoy Mom and Dad, and read BL all day long...
Pero kasi... I need money. And even setting that aside, hindi rin masayang gumising knowing na tutunganga ka lang naman buong araw. Masarap humilata, oo, pero hindi naman talaga masaya.
Haaaaa. Ano bang gagawin ko?
Gusto ko paring maniwala na pag nagsawa na kong magtamad tamaran ay bigla nalang akong matatauhan, at maa awaken ko ang version ko na kayang kumita ng massive amounts of money, skillfully, effortlessly.
Tokwa. Kaya ko to.
10:04 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
So annoyed with a comment on my BL page. Alam ko namang maraming self-righteous people sa internet. Do I really have to expend energy and respond to them at the cost of my peace?
Hindi nga siguro. Pero nakakainis pa rin.
Ugh. Pwede ba sabunutan nalang para mabilis?
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I'm supposed to spend my time thinking of ways to earn money, and not fight some random strangers on Facebook. Alam ko naman. I haven't been my most patient self lately.
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Ano bang gagawin ko?
Father's day. Then Mom's birthday. Then Dad's 70th.
I think I still have money. Pero dahil hindi naman nadadagdagan at puro bawas lang, hindi ko maiwasang mag-alala.
Sana soon, maging maayos na rin ang lahat.
12:10 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
1 week since I've gotten back to PH, and I'm already itching to go back to Japan. I bought the biggest box of Shiroi Koibito cookies as pasalubong, but it was nowhere near enough. Next time I go there, I won't experiment on other snacks, but will just spend all of my pasalubong budget on Shiroi Koibito, and maybe some milk-flavored Kitkats. I didn't like the other flavors of Kitkat, so I'd stick with Milk. Will also buy some Royce chocolates, but maybe, 1 box lang. The best kasi parin talaga ang Shiroi Koibito.
Gah! I miss Japan. Mom said maybe I should just live there for a while hanggang sa magsawa ako. Maybe she's right, but I'll miss my cats.
My expenses were surprisingly lower than I expected. Marami pa akong naiuwing yen. And after paying all my credit card bills post travel, may tira pa kong pera for the month's budget. I thought I will need to sell stocks to pay everything. Yiii.
Anyway, that said, until this month nalang ang budget ko. I might need to sell stocks, or if I get lucky, maybe I'll get to receive payment from Tita's loan. She said she'll pay the rest of her loan by June. If she will pay me, then next month budget, plus Dad's birthday celebration, will already be covered. Wahhh! Crossing fingers. ><
Going to Japan despite unemployment turned out to be a great decision. Bago kasi ako umalis, nahihirapan na kong matulog from worrying sa kung anong gagawin ko sa buhay ko, since I really didn't want to go back to the corporate world again. Ngayon feeling ko mas clear at fresh na ang utak ko and more ready to tackle the challenges ahead.
Pero syempre hindi pa dito nagtatapos ang laban, in fact, nagsisimula palang.
I told Mom I plan to earn about 1M in a month, then live off with that for a whole year, which, if divided into a year's worth of monthly expenses, e just a few thousands less than my net salary back when I was still working. Since hindi naman ako mamamasahe at nasa bahay lang, I think it should be more than enough to keep our lifestyle. Ang tanong lang naman talaga e... paano?
Wahahaha!
Nagbasa ko ng reddit responses sa tanong na "how did you earn your first 1M(pesos)?" Alam ko namang hindi magiging madali, pero at least, hindi na naka panic mode ang utak ko, unlike before I left for Japan.
I want to bring Mom and Dad to Japan. I think I can afford it now since hindi ko naman nagalaw yung stocks ko plus ang dami ko pang yen. Ang problema lang e my parents don't have JP visa yet, and ako, bilang sole guarantor/financer ng would-be travel nila, will need to have show money for the visa application. I have less than 30k under my name right now, na mababawasan pa for the month's expenses. Wahaha!
Nakita ko yung simplified visa application for BDO cc holders na applicable daw sa family members ng credit card holders. Mag Korea nalang kaya kami? Mom's not thrilled when I told her na summer and rainy season sa Japan by June and July. She said it's not wise to travel during this season. I just checked and found that Korea's similar. Oh well.
Hindi porket konti lang ang nagastos ko sa JP trip ko e makatwiran nang gumastos without restraint. But if it's for my parents, then it's not unreasonable.
Another reason e kasi, yung pinsan ko, dinala yung parents nya at parents ng asawa nya sa Hong Kong. That kid's mom is my dad's sister. Tas yung asawa nun, Dad's brother-in-law, e.... uhm... idk. Basta, Dad hates Tito's guts. Niyayabangan daw kasi sya. I trust Dad's words, because he's not really the type to hate people's guts without reason.
True, my parents had been to Hong Kong and had traveled to more countries than they did, but knowing Tito, he'd probably come up with something annoying to brag about, despite that fact. Gusto ko lang na merong pang counter si Papa sakaling magyabang si Tito. Like, "nako, nung nag Hong Kong kami, bumagyo, kaya di kami masyado nakagala. Dinala na nga lang kami ng anak ko sa Japan para makabawi," or something like that. Hindi ako mapagpatol sa kayabangan, pero ibang usapan kasi pag parents ko na ang involved. I don't want them to look kawawa.
Ugh. Kailangan ko ng maraming pera.
05:54 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
The last time I traveled with friends, I was still eating meat. This will be the first time I'll be traveling as a pescetarian. Yung inaalala kong mangyari, eto't nangyayari na nga.
The friend I'll be traveling with is a member/president of one of the TM clubs in Tokyo. The club members invited us for a meal after the club meeting. They have this poll thingy para makapamili ng kakainan na resto. Puro meat yung menu, tipong garnish lang ata makakain ko. My friend informed them that I'm pescetarian. So ngayon, naghahanap sila ng resto with food na pwede sakin.
Sighs. Nakakahiya. I don't want to cause this much trouble. E kung kumain nalang kaya ako ng meat? The thought makes my stomach squirm, but maybe it wouldn't be so bad.
Hayyst.
Someone once told me that if someone does you a favor, you tell them "thank you" and not "sorry". I'll make sure to thank them, but I still feel bad.
I wonder how people with special diet survive similar social settings. I'm not even strict with my diet. How much more for those who are complete vegans.
07:26 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Mother's Day on Sunday. I asked Mom if she wanted to eat out. Sabi nya wag na. Said my brother's not sure if he'll be able to keep his job. Wala daw ata silang pera, so he can't take his family out on Mother's day, kahit birthday na rin ni sis-in-law on Tuesday. Sabi ni mama, parang di daw maganda kung kami lang ang lalabas. I kinda agree.
I wonder what will happen if my brother will lose his job, lalo na nga't wala rin akong trabaho. Weird enough, hindi ako nag-aalala about myself. I seem to have this deep-rooted, baseless confidence na financial and career wise, I'd be fine no matter what. Sometimes overconfidence has its own perks... or maybe not.
Pero confident or not, I will do everything in my power to give my family a good life. I feel sorry for Mom whenever she makes excuses for not spending money. I know she wouldn't do something like that if meron akong trabaho. Naawa din ako kasi ako lang ang magta travel abroad this time. Sana talaga maipasyal ko parin sila sa abroad this year.
Haaaaah.
Kaya ko to. I'm smart and talented. I'm bound to earn a lot of money even if I only exert minimal effort.
*Ulitin 10x hanggang magkatotoo.*
Haaaaah. Kaya ko to.
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Excited na ko sa JP trip. Sana nga, makalagpas ako sa immigration smoothly, at maging isa to sa mga best travels ko ever ko. Sana may mameet akong pogi at sexying potential lover. Sana kasya pa yung mga damit ko. Kailangan ko mag exercise.
10:05 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Hahhh. So, my short-lived romance has ended.
I wonder if I should've negotiated my terms instead of ending it altogether. I tried messaging other people, but it didn't feel as fun and as natural as it was with him. Why did I end it nga? Was I just running away again? Naiyak rin ako ng very slight. Naalala ko nung grade 1 ako, inaway ko yung kaklase ko, tas ako yung umiyak.
I should've let him show me the 6.2. But it's fine.
Were men this boring to talk to before? Maybe I should allow myself a few days off from this whole goal-setting thing.
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Papalapit na ang Japan trip, pero wala pa ring nadadagdag sa pera ko, puro bawas lang. I don't want to sell my stocks sana. Sumali kaya ako sa game show? Ugh, still not enough. What should I do.
Nag self-publish ako ng coloring books online. Kanina ko lang natanggap yung notice na napublish na. I made them during weekends. I made 3, yet only 2 notifications came. I wonder what happened to the other one. I'm working on another one. Ipo post nalang. Was too lazy to open the laptop today.
I was at Watsons earlier. Ngayon ko lang nalaman na 45 pesos pala ang isang sachet ng hair mask. 45 pesos for 1 time use?? Omg. I used to not mind the price. Nagulat nga ako na yung ginagamit ko palang bulak for my face e 99 pesos. Jeez, magkano lang yung totoong bulak.
Ugh, I can't even buy lip gloss. Nakakaiyak. Hahaha.
Haaaaah.
Sa totoo lang, hindi pa rin ako nagsisisi for resigning. Pero sana soon, I can get back to my old lifestyle.
Haaaaah.
I miss that pervert. Lol. I wish I get to meet someone like him again. Ang weird, I actually ask for someone with the same specifications, yung height, age difference, and even the 6.2! Hindi rin naman talaga ako nag sisisi. But I'm thinking maybe I should've negotiated my terms instead of just easily letting go. I mean, he's not a bad guy, and we have chemistry, and I do like him. Pero okay lang. I mean, anong gagawin ko?
Haaaaah.
Andami pang more pressing things to do. I stopped doing everything else na hindi pasok sa 4 goals na naset ko for 6 months. Halfway through April, pero wala parin talagang progress.
I pray for things to get so much better very very very soon.
06:36 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Apat na goals to focus on for the next 6 months based sa activity my 4-hour work week book ni Tim Ferris.
1. Buy 8-seater car (Innova)
2. Find a hot and sexy boyfriend
3. Lose over 15 kilos weight
4. Travel to Korea with parents
Bale sa computation ko, kailangan kong kumita ng over 400k para ma achieve yan in 6 months. I still don't have a job. I don't plan on getting back to the corporate world. Considering that I don't like people very much, ayoko ring magtayo ng business. So nag iisip ako fully-automated source of income. Yung hindi ko kailangan magmanage ng tao, or better yet, hindi ako kaylangan at all, for the business to run. Tim Ferriss says it's possible. Nakakainis. Gusto kong maging masipag in working smart.
To start getting the goal, need daw ng first step. My first step for goal number 2 is to create a dating profile. Tapos, message at least 5 men na type ko. Kaso sa sobrang tamad ko, I changed it into 1 man per day. I only reply once to twice daily. He used to just let me be, until I accepted his invite on IG. He's starting to be a little more impatient. He said I look like I'm in my 20s daw. I told him I look normal. The guy actually look more matured than his age. I guess it's an Asian thing. My friend, LA, is 42, but she can still be mistaken to be in her late 20s.
To prevent myself from running away, I keep reassuring myself that I'm just looking for a boyfriend, not marriage partner. I can't get married yet. Lalo't wala akong stable source of income.
Speaking of source of income, my BL page in FB received an invite for a bonus program 4 days ago. Yung mga non-reels and non-stories ko daw will earn money depende sa number of reach and interactions. I only have 2.6k followers, but my reach this week was about 67k. Huge chunk of which e galing sa post before I signed up for the program. So far, for the last 4 days, I already earned—drumroll please—2.43 dollars! Lol. Malayo layo pa ko sa target monthly income na over 400k.
I've been receiving emails from companies, and I even received a call from a job offer kahit di naman ako nag-aapply. Iniisip na ka pag wala na kaming makain, I can always go back to the corporate world. Pero sana talaga, hindi ko na kailanganin pang bumalik.
Haaaaa.
Ang hirap hindi mag-alala. Eventhough I still have more than enough money to survive, nakakatakot parin gumastos. Wala rin kasing pumapasok na pera. Puro palabas. Because of worrying, madalas na badtrip ako.
Haaaaa.
I need to earn something soon.
Since hindi kailangan ng pera yung goal number 2, sana nga, kahit yun, ma achieve ko.
06:05 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Nag punta ako ng bank to deposit some check. Nag grocery ng konti at nag-uwi ng konting pasalubong sa bahay. Then, when my niece got back home from school, after thanking me for yhe the pasalubong, she asked:
Niece: wala ka work?
Tita: di ba nag resign na ko?
Niece: resign? Kelan ka mag wowork ulet?
Tita: hindi na.
Niece: *long pause* paano na tayo bibili ng kotse?
Tita: don't worry, yayaman parin si Tita kahit di mag work.
Ugh, that look of worry on her face when she finally realized that I don't have work anymore was quite heartbreaking.
Coincidentally, nag message din yung former workmate ko. Nalaman nyang nag resign ako and was offering me a job na 100% percent wfh. I told him, I don't plan to work anymore, at balak ko nalang mag artista.
Haaah. Kaya ko to.
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Mom's attending some birthday party happening at a private resort in Laguna. Overnight, and she wants me to go with her. I already told her I can't because I need to take care of the cats. She talked to my sister-in-law and asked her if she can do the job just for the weekend, and she agreed. Ayoko talaga pumunta, pero drinamahan na ako ng nanay ko, so I guess I'm going.
Tita will go too. She's bringing her stepson. I hope she won't push me into the dude, because that guy is like an older cousin to me. We're actually cousins by law, aren't we? Nakakaumay.
Well, whatever.
Sabi nila, if gusto mong dumami ang pera mo, you've got to expand, not only your knowledge on your craft, but also your network. Tsaka gusto ko rin naman magswimming, kaya oh sya, sasama na.
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Ang bilis ng araw. 11 days na kaagad ang lumipas at wala parin akong nagagawa para matupad ko ang plano kong kumita ng 1 million pesos monthly.
Basta. Kaya ko to.
04:30 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
