Joy
stickied:
Saturday: November 10, 2018



I found this on the timeline of an fb friend who is a cancer survivor. I love it so much, I'm making this a sticky post.

"We have the right to our joy -- sick or healthy; with children or no children; with partner or no partner. Seek it! Find it! And have a joyful life no matter how much you make or don't make."

May we all find joy in every day of our lives. Goodnight. 



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Written by cinderellaareus at 10:34 PM.

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Tuesday: November 20, 2018



Maybe it's not about being able to look and not feel hurt whatsoever. Maybe it's about not feeling the need to look at all.

I just wish that when the "day" comes, he will have the decency to not invite me.

This entry would've gone a totally different course if I didn't look. Oh well...

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A lot of things going on. Things are fast pacing recently, I find the rapid shift in emotion quite draining.

Dad was at the hospital last Fri. The operation was scheduled Sat. Though our house is a stone throw away from there, the doctors required for him to stay there before the operation. Mom asked me to sleep in their room because she's not used to sleeping alone. That was my first good sleep in a long while now.

Saturday came and everyone was busy since we were selling food at the store. Bro and I were supposed to take turns and looking after Dad at the hospital.

I thought that I got over my fear of blood since I've been to accidents that involved blood before. Dad's operation proved me wrong.

I was sitting next to Dad's bed then. He was sleeping and there were tubes attached to his hand. Half of his body is covered with blanket, parts of which, covered blood. Brother hid the bloodied portion so as not to scare me, but Dad kept moving and moving, the blood started to show off, it made my stomach squirm.

Mom told me that if I start getting scared, I should just distract myseft with my phone so that I won't feel so scared anymore. But with us in the room were patients and their companions and some of them kept talking to me. Don't get me wrong, I appreciated that they were nice, helpful and all... but-

When Dad started moving his legs, a man who was in the room with us told Dad shouldn't turn to his side just yet because it could make his wound bleed. This got me all panicky because how can I stop Dad from moving when he's asleep?

Then Dad moved his hands and the man said, "naku, wag mo pagalaw kamay nya baka mahatak ang swero at dumugo." So I was like, "jusko, jusko, jusko". I was so at lost on what to do. I was already weak from seeing the blood peeking behind Dad's legs and the thought of having him bleed some more was making me feel like I'm going to pass out.

It didn't help that a stretcher came afterwards, with was a woman's form. The woman had bandage in her neck. She was lying on her back looking so much like she's dead. I immediately looked on my phone to seek distraction. But on my peripheral vision, I saw that her feet were looking blue like the corpses I see in movies. It got me so scared a tear escaped and felt warm liquid ran through my face. I was about to leave the room to calm myself down, but one of doctors came to check Dad and told me that I need to wake him up to make him breathe because his oxygen is running low.

The panic I felt escalated. I was scared that if I wake up Dad, he will move and bleed. My knees were already shaking then so I decided to call my brother for help.

He probably woke up early that day. He cleaned the house, washed the dishes, carried things, watched and took care of Dad echetera, echetera. So when I called my brother to make Dad breathe, he got angry at me and told me to do it myself. He was probably tired. He was yet to eat then and had a mountain of dishes to wash. I understood the whole situation. I just can't go back there. The blood, the dead-looking lady... i don't know... I was also scared that Dad will die if we will not make him breathe right away. So I turned to my mom, who's equally scared of blood and I started crying. Mom got angry too, but then she got up and went to the hospital. I'm so sorry.

But I'm glad that all was well in the end. Mom told the story of me running home in tears and how I thought that the lady in stretcher is dying. It gave the people in the hospital a good laugh. Nakakahiya lang because when the husband of that lady came to our store to eat, he came up to me with a little laugh to assured me that his wife is not dying and that she's already well now. He even told me, "Ok na sya, pwede ka na bumalik. Hindi na sya nakakatakot." I wonder if the wife got offended. Sobrang nakakahiya talaga.

Sunday and Dad was back home. He wasn't supposed to eat solid food yet, but he was so matigas ang ulo he gave me headache. Brother, wife and kid went out for a family bonding then so it was just Dad, Mom and me during. Mom left the table for only a while and Dad started eating kanin! If I wasn't so scared about him bleeding, kukurutin ko talaga yung tatay kong 'yon sa singit.

But things look good now. 

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Monday was my first day at the new office. Today, I'm wrapping up my work week and tomorrow and next 4 days, I'll be staying in a unit around Manila. Ano kayang gagawin ko pag nakasalubong ko yung taong yun dun? Is he still working around that area?



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Written by cinderellaareus at 12:12 PM.

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828
Wednesday: November 14, 2018



I was feeling sad in most part of the day yesterday. In a way, I'm upset that I'm still here while Partner will be moving on with his life na.

But then I came home. Found my niece playfully hiding just to 'scare' me. Then there's Mom who picked me up from the bus stop. The neighborhood's dogs, Pogi and Panget were there as a part of my welcoming committee. Ido was there too, and in these simple things, I know I'm beyond blessed.

The cage will give me money for the transfer.

Tita N was there to help me find a place to stay.

Brother will join so I think it wouldn't be so lonely.

Maybe I can finish the Simbang Gabi this year. My favorite chapel will just be a few minutes walk. Really, what's with all the drama?

Later tonight a wonderful human being who happens to be my best friend will visit our house together with the man she loves. By March, together with my entire family, I will witness their beautiful wedding. We'll be staying 3 days and 2 nights at the resort. For free. All of us. I'm so excited to swim and enjoy the place with my niece and everyone else.

Next week will be KCOn and I'll be staying in unit near the venue. Tiny, yes, but I have the place all for myself and that's a total upgrade compared to the hostel I stayed in last year. 

I feel like the Universe is spoiling me.

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Gusto ko ng moon cactus, lithops, split rocks at astrophytum. Mejo mahal, but I think I've grown my skills in taking care of plants, hindi naman siguro masasayang ang salapi kung bibili ako ng mamahalin. But I'll be staying somewhere else soon. Hindi ko rin nga pala sila maalagaan.

Sira sira na ang mga sapatos ko and I could use buying new pairs of pants (kasi masisikip na lahat), pero mas gusto ko talagang bumili nalang ng cactus.

Claiming it. Ikayayaman ko to 



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Written by cinderellaareus at 08:34 AM.

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Damage
Saturday: November 10, 2018



I was all fine, you know.

I shouldn't have asked.

...

I just miss talking to you, g*go.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 01:08 AM.

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Baby and bear
Friday: November 9, 2018



Friday came and my mind is Monday busy. I saw a vid in fb where a mother bear and a baby bear were climbing up a snowy mountain. The mother bear already reached the top, but the baby bear kept falling and falling, I thought he won't be able to make it. But after climbing and sliding back down so many times, the baby bear eventually managed to reach the top. The caption says something like "never give up," but I think there's more to it than that.

The mountain was stiff and there was cliff below. I don't think the baby bear kept climbing up because of a never-give-up attitude. He just didn't have much choice.

You know what, I just found a mountain. May the Universe bless me.

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A lot of things happening. I need to squeeze a meetup with the customer tomorrow kasi nakakahiya na. Still, I'm kinda happy because I know that busy is good.

Got the instructions from the owner of the place I'd be staying in for 5 days, 2 weeks from now. I'm glad that we don't have to meet, but I still hope things go on smoothly by then.

Bff scheduled meeting up with my parents on the 14th since they'll be ninong and ninang in her wedding. She wants me to be there by then so it's gotta be dinner time. Said she'll be bringing my dress. I told her to buy 1 size smaller than my size. I didn't lose a single pound. What was I thinking?

Things will change in just a little more than a week from now. More changes are coming by 2019. Things are changing except me. Or am I not?

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I need this mountain. Go, Baby Bear.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 12:16 PM.

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Juuichigatsu
Tuesday: November 6, 2018



7:50am, breakfast at the cage. I haven't slept much last night and my eyes sear. Kelan nga ang weekend?

Yesterday, someone asked me, "naramdaman mo na ba yung masakit yung puso mo na nagta tighten talaga yung dibdib?" The question was that of a health concern, but all I can think about was the tightness I've been feeling for the past 4 months. Is 4 months enough?

I haven't been crying that much, you know. I did cry... only a few times. But my heart has been so heavy all this time that sometimes it surprises me that I'm even standing.

A few days back, someone told me, "shucks ang sakit non!" Thinking I was hurt/offended from a supposedly offensive comment. I just smiled and proceeded with the convo like nothing happened. Because really, I didn't feel anything.

I've been going through probably one of my most painful times that if someone wishes to hurt me, he got to do a way better job than that.

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Ang daming ganap ng November. I have a customer who has been setting out to meet me for the last 3 weeks, but the weekends had been so overbooked, hindi ko sya masipot. Kung kelan kailangan ko ng pera.

There's the transfer. There's KCON and now, there's the SME thingy that was supposed to happen in October. Tentative date is on 21st. Weekday. It will probably be harder to take a leave by then since I'm not sure if Partner will still be here by then. Will I still be here by then? Ewan ko. Bahala na. This is my hope for a better future. There's no way I'd miss this. Takte. Lord, help me.

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Dad operation on 17th. Minor lang naman daw, but my praning self can't help but think of the worst, I started having bad dreams. Sana maging maayos ang lahat.

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After this month, I think December wouldn't be so hectic. Gusto ko ng full body massage. 



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Written by cinderellaareus at 08:25 AM.

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YL
Wednesday: October 31, 2018



Currently watching a K-drama, cute and fast-paced, it reminds me of a love story that happened eons ago.

Once upon the was a girl named Z who was freshly out of high school, battling her way through college. She met two of her first friends, R and B, who both lived near the room Z rented in. One day, B confessed that she's liking one of their classmates, Y. B said she wants to let Y know that she likes him through a letter. Being the kunsintidora friend that she was, Z invites R and B to her place to brainstorm what to include in the love letter. When Z read what B initially wrote, it made her cringe. She thought to herself, "I can't make my friend send her love letter like this". So she offered to "fix" the letter (which means, she rewrote everything). When she was finished everyone was pleased. To make the letter even more special, Z wrote the top and bottom portion in her own lettering style. When all was set, B sent the letter to Y.

Semester was over. B had to leave school. Z stayed, and Y started giving her chocolates.

The end.

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Every time I try to dig my own history, I can hardly find a good love story to tell. Oh, well... at least, I can hope that the future will be better.
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I was just thinking, "if he really likes me, he'd <insert something ridiculous here>. Then, he actually does, so I run away.

Weeks back, Bea told us how important it is for people who experienced loss-including heartbreak-to receive counseling.

Iniisip ko kung kailangan ko ba ng psychologist.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 11:48 AM.

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6+2
Sunday: October 28, 2018



Woke up at past 10am today. 1st time to have an 8-hour sleep for a very long time though technically, its just 6+2 hours. I learned that once my back hit it's 6-hour limit from lying in bed, I can just sit on my swivel chair for a few minutes then go back to sleep for a few hours more and voila! Total of 8 hours sleep. Not as good as a continuous sleep, but I think, this will do.

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I noticed a sign at the toilet door that says "schedules" along with names and respective time, so I asked Tita what it is:

Tita N: Schedule ng linis nila ng cr. Sila naman gumagamit kaya sila na rin pinapalinis ko, pero babaguhin natin yan.

Mama: Punta nalang ako dito pag schedule na ni <insert my name here>. Hindi marunong maglinis yan e.

Tita N: Wag na, Ate. Ako na maglilinis pag schedule ni <insert my name here"

I often hear my parents lambast somebody else's children for being lazy and not helping out in the house. Funny how they totally overlook that their very own daugther is just the same. Maybe worse.

I can't cook nor dishes. I'm not really looking forward to this.

When I was little, Mom used to tell me it's important that I learn how to wash clothes. Then we found out that from detergent to rubber gloves, I have allergies, she just ended up saying, "wag ka na nga lang maglaba".

Mom is meticulous with clothes. We have washing machine, but she handwashes most of the clothes still. When get rich, I will buy Mom a washing machine na isasalang nalang tas paglabas plantsado na. If she complains, "masisira ang damit," I will just tell her, "It's ok. I'll buy new ones". Sarap!

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I'll still be looking for a place to stay. Though Tita N is really nice, nakakahiya parin kasi. Bukod dun, sabi nya, yayayain nya daw ako maging INC. Bukod sa habit nilang maging cause ng matinding traffic,  wala naman akong issue sa INC. Still, I don't want to be one of them. Marami nga sigurong issues sa Catholic church, and maybe we have leaders who are far from holy, but I still want to stay here. I actually intend to stay for the rest of my life. Ayoko lang sana na kulitin pa ko ni Tita.

Some of the very few things that I actually look forward to about our transfer in shaw is that, I'll be nearer my favorite church. It's gonna be Christmas soon and maybe Father Mario will be back in the Philippines for a Christmas vacation. Miss na miss ko na marinig ang homily nya.

Whenever I see priests whose skills in giving homily could use a lot of improvement, naiisip ko talaga na sana may sumaling mga pari sa Toastmasters. Maybe we can build a club inside the seminary also. See, theirs is a very important task of proclaming the gospel. It's crucial that they develop an exceptional skills in public speaking since they carry the most important message. Pag may nakilala akong pari, itutulak ko talaga syang sumali samin. Father Mario is already good, he doesn't really need to be a TM. Still, I'm curious how his speeches would be like kung maging TM din sya.

I miss my club already. Dad's operation will be on 17th. By 16th, dapat daw nasa hospital na sya. Mukhang hindi na naman ako makakaattend.

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Skipped the movie day out today because the sched of the cinema is not very good. Ok na rin because it's Tito Romy's birthday pala so I got to hang out with my relatives. The "ikaw kelan" question flooded once again, and I am now more than ready to give a witty reply. I know these people mean well. I don't hate them. I'm quite okay with all these. Maybe one day, mag-eevolve din ang mga demands nila into, "kailan ang kasal" or "mag-anak na kayo" or "sundan nyo na yan" and so on.

Siguro iba-iba lang talaga pace ng paglakad natin sa buhay. Hindi naman siguro kailangan makipag sabayan o makipaghabulan. I don't if I will get to build my own family sa lifetime na 'to. Pero sana, sakali mang magawa ko nga yun, I hope by then, confident na ko sa sarili ko. Yung maipapangako ko sa kanila (husband and kids) na mahal ko sila at hinding hindi ko sila ipagpapalit, and actually live up to that promise.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 02:53 PM.

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Sigh and sigh
Thursday: October 25, 2018



I called it a day at 10pm last night only to sleep way past that, entertaining customer's inquiries via chat, tas hindi naman pala bibili. Grrr.

Ano bang pwede kong gawin para yumaman? Ano bang pwede kong gawin para makuha ko lahat ng gusto ko sa buhay?

Ask and it will be given to you... seek and you shall find...

Ask. Seek. Tara.

A lot of things I look forward to this coming November. Weekends are as fully booked as ever. Nothing major. I'm not complaining. 

Changes are about to happen in a few weeks now at the cage department. Ayaw pang magsink in and I'm not even moving yet like it's not happening. Nakakatamad.

Kaitlyn's birthday in a week. I'm not really in the mood for socializing, but I'm thankful for another year in my beloved niece's life.

This Saturday we'll go hunt for a room to sleep in during workdays. On Sunday, we'll have unlihorror film via sm. I need (screaming) energy for this. 

Then KCON. I already booked for a place to stay months before. I'm not as excited as I was back in 2013, but let's see. Sana naman hindi ganun ka OA ang dami ng tao.

I was feeling super ok this morning. I don't know why I no longer do. Siguro gutom na ko.

I miss someone close to my heart. Not romantic. Or is it?



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Written by cinderellaareus at 11:31 AM.

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