Dissect
Monday: November 18, 2017



1:40am. Got home about an our ago and i feel like overanalyzing things, so let me.

Delivered my bsp10. Got 1/3 yes. Meaning, kailangan kong ulitin. I was surprised na hindi naman masakit. I actually felt sorry for my evaluators because it looked painful for them. 

Ang weird no. Bakit hindi masakit?

Wala ung isang supposedly evaluator ko, so mentor tookover. Sya ung nag-yes. Feeling ko nga ayaw nya talaga mag yes pero ok narin kasi mukha naman akong kawawa kung 0/3 ako di ba?

Ang weird parin. Bakit hindi masakit?

Erika and Gabby said no. Erika was her cutsie nicey self and I saw how painful it was for her pero mejo kinabahan parin ako sa mata ko kasi it felt warm like it was on the verge of leaking tears. Yun lang naman talaga ang issue ko. Ayoko lang umiyak don. Tingin ko yun lang talaga.

Then Gabby was his usual self. I knew he wouldn't show me mercy. Kaya nga muntik ko ng ipa-frame ung finill upan nyang BSP7 ko before na pinasa nya. Pero pag si Gabby wala naman nung effect na tulad nung kay erika. Feeling ko nga kahit mag exchange pa sila ng sinabi same parin ang result. Hindi kasi ata talaga yun sa kung ANO ang sinabi kundi sa SINO ang nagsabi. 

Mejo natuwa narin ako na tapos na. Ni-sched ni Gabby ung repeat ko sa January pa. I have more than a month to procrastinate.

Tsaka kaya rin siguro hindi masakit kasi masaya rin ako na nandyan sila ulet.

Nandun ung 2 mentees ko. Nakakatuwa. Sana ung relationship saken ng mga batang to e maging katulad ng relationship ko sa mentor ko. Pero feeling ko masyado yatang mataas na ambisyon yun. Kay mentor kasi, lagi kong nasasabi sa sarili ko na, "jeez, how did I get so lucky?" and it's not even about what i can get and learn from him. It's more on how he treats me and makes me feel. Hindi ko maisip kung pano mararamdaman yun ng mga mentees ko for me. Iba naman kasi kami ni mentor. Pero sana manlang, kahit pano maging close ako sa kanila.

Natutuwa rin ako kay leian. Ang sweet nung taong yon. Minsan lang tumataas rin yung kilay ko kasi pinili nya ring mentor yung mentor ko. Pero normal na selosa lang naman kasi talaga ko. Pero ok na. Dahil sweet sya saken, I'm willing to share na. Basta, wag masyado close ahhh.

Feeling ko yung level ng pagiging possesive ko e pang 2 years old. Lel.

---------

Naisip ko noon na siguro maliit lang ung puso ko. Kasi paisa isa lang ako magkagusto. Nakapikon ung taong gusto ko ngayon. I noticed him before dahil sa mga qualities nya similar Kay R. Nakakainis lang na pati yung mga bagay na ayoko Kay R,  nasa kanya rin pala. Talaga bang pag parehas ng zodiac sign, magkaugali? Si Shara at si Bea Libra rin, bat parang anlayo naman ugali namin?

Parang Hindi tuloy safe.  The guy I liked before him is someone not healthy for me.  When I saw the guy again, biglang parang may danger sign. Lalo pa't namiss ko rin yung taong yun. Shoot. Don't want to go back there. I want someone I can keep. Kakalimutan ko na nga kahit ano pa preference nya e. Basta Hindi taken. Yun n nga lang nirerequire ko e. Kaya siguro konting ingat muna, until safe na.  Sabi nya tuloy lip service lang ung sinabi kong miss ko sya.  OK n rin.  Saka ko nalang iko-correct any mga misunderstandings pag safe na. 



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Written by cinderellaareus at 03:19 AM.

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kerokeropi
Thursday: November 16, 2017



i look like a frog. even makeup cannot cover the damage.

it's been a while since i last had a crying fiesta, my eyes sear. it was never for a reason as silly as this one.

Gabby sent this message to club's group chat yesterday.

minsan hindi ko alam kung sadyang mahal nya lang ba ko or may galit sya saken. lel. i actually asked.

hindi naman ako nape-pressure. natatakot lang.

alam ko namang sabaw pa yung speech ko pero nisend ko na kay ivan. tinatamad narin kasi akong ayusin tas wala narin naman talagang oras. lahat naman ng comment nya agree ako. alam ko narin naman bago ko pa pinasa, pero parang pag galing sa iba yung mali sa gawa mo parang iba yung impact e no. nanapak. ganun. lel.

ewan ko.

siguro kung kami kami lang, or someone from the club lang mag eevals saken, keri e.

ok lang naman.

kung sasabihan ako na magrepeat... well, masasaktan ako. pero makakamove on din ako. di ba humans are made to recover naman talaga.

pero kasi.. wala lang. nakakahiya kasi. nakakahiya na nag effort pa si gabby na mang imbita ng evaluators na, hello, contest champions lang naman... tapos sabaw lang pala yung idedeliver ko. yung feeling na sasayangin ko lang yung oras nila yung pinakamahirap i-handle para sakin. ayun lang naman.

last night, i asked the Heavens to help me. sabi ni Bo Sanchez, pag may hihingin sa Diyos daw, hindi dapat na nag be-beg. kasi anak ka ng Diyos e. bakit ka magbe-beg. ask and believe that you will recieve. ganun lang daw.

but it's hard to believe na ibibigay Nya nga kung minsan ka na Nyang binigo. yung huli ko kasing hiningi sa Kanya, hindi Nya naman binigay. ang hirap talaga maniwala e. kaya sabi ko nalang, "Oh sige po, give me a hug nalang." hindi ko rin alam kung binigay Nya ba.

i went to bed last night at 1030. slept at past 11 na siguro, then woke up 0130. i tried to write another speech because the one i wrote needs a total overhaul. hindi rin kinaya ng powers.

pero kaninang umaga, sinubukan ko nalang ayusin yung existing speech ko. hindi parin naman maganda. pero hindi na siguro kasing sama.

iniisip ko pa yung new members kasi baka hindi nila nakita yung mga prev speech ko na ok naman. pag nakita nila yung sabaw kong speech. nakakahiya lang. well, ok lang naman. iniisip ko kasi baka magsisi yung mga members na pinili akong mentor pag nakita nila na ganito kasabaw ako mag speech.

ok. ang praning ko no?

hindi ko pa nasisimulang mag memorize. absent si partner. ang busy sa cage feeling ko nga hindi na ko makakalabas ng buhay kanina. lel. pero naayos naman lahat.

pero nakakatuwa rin na may mga taong nag bother na kamustahin ka if buhay ka pa e no. Andre sent me a message saying goodluck sa speech ko and that nagulat daw sya sa line up ng evaluators ko. nakakatuwa rin yung batang yun na twing merong nakakapanic na pangyayari sa club, nangangamusta at nag-ooffer ng tulong. kahit loko rin yun paminsan minsan, naa appreciate ko parin na ganun sya.

sabi nila what cannot kill you will make you a better person. siguro magiging super better person na ko after this.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 03:14 PM.

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Multitasking
Tuesday: November 14, 2017



Almost everyday akong may insomnia. Nakakapikon na twing kailangan kong gumawa ng speech, alas nuebe palang, antok na antok na ko. Bakit ba ayaw makisama ng writing skills ko?  T_T

Then ang hirap palang magsulat ng speech while nakikipaglandian chatting on the side. Para sa lovelife ko, siguro kailangan ko na matutunang mag multitask.

I'm a bit worried about the boy. I remember someone once asked me, "sasaktan mo lang ba ko?" I thought the question was ridiculous considering that it came from the guy... He turned out to be right though.

Tingin ko normal naman na minsan may masasaktan ka kung hindi mo sila gusto. Hindi ko lang ma-justify e yung case na nangyayari yun kahit pa sa taong gusto mo.

Parang ngayon??

...

Gusto ko naman sya. Magulo lang kasi talaga ngayon. Ewan ko.

-----

Ok. Sige. Tama. Hindi pa pala tapos speech ko. Huhu.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 10:11 PM.

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10
Monday: November 13, 2017



Number of minutes to finish this. It's a holiday and I'm at work. Not really complaining. How can I when there is no traffic jam in EDSA. Thanks, Universe!

Currently squeezing my creative juju to write my BSP10 due Friday. This was long overdue, I should've finished this ages ago. Nahihiya na ko mag beg off. Shucks, anong petsa na.

A lot of things running in my head. Ang hirap magfocus. Most of my time these past few days, I've spent playing fashion story. Oh, how productive. The start of the week last week was action packed and then mostly ended with a lot of physical labor. This week is a whole lot "hima" then next week, action packed ulet! Excited na ko sa KCON. I booked for a place to stay 2 days 3 nights. It's been a while since I last slept on a bed that is not my own. My body might need some time to adjust. Still, keribels. Asked yang na mag baywalk kami. I miss the sea—I mean—bay!

Past few days were fine. Wala namang wow factor pero keri lang. There was a medical mission near home last sat so maraming customers. The mission was hosted by the same university where I had a speaking gig last Tue. Feeling ko etong university na to ang theme ng week ko. Umuulan at umiinit this weekend. Tamad na tamad akong magpayong kaya mejo nilagnat pa ko.

Mom had kuya buboy make a new bookshelf for me. This is our third bookshelf at home and I own about 98% of the books. Kung ibebenta ko siguro books ko in their origal prices, baka ang yaman ko na. But of course, I won't. Placed the rest of my books on the bookshelf last Sunday. Ended up with a sneezing fit. Ba't ba ang dami kong health issues?

Ok. I think I exceeded 10 minutes.



* * * * * * * * *



Written by cinderellaareus at 08:19 AM.

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YZY
Sunday: November 5, 2017



So someone sent me a message telling how he gave my number to his friend who's in need of a speaker for their public speaking event in some University. Sabi kasi "do something that scares you." So I was like, Sure! Go! No worries. That's exciting! Blah blah blah. Pero puteeeek, nag sa summersault na yung puso ko, Bes.

Then I got the message from the "friend" and learned that the event is this Tuesday na. Tuesday!!!

Sabi ng logic, "tae ka, wala ka ng oras mag prepare. Anong petsa na?!"

Sabi ng reason, "May pasok ka. Paano?"

Sabi ng internal organs ko, "Ayoko! Kinakabahan ako! Wahhhhh!"

.

And yet, I replied, "Sure! Please send me the details. *insert smileys*"

.

.

Why am I doing this to myself?



* * * * * * * * *



Written by cinderellaareus at 04:31 PM.

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12:00am thoughts
Wednesday: November 2, 2017



If you can't sleep, count your thoughts instead of sheeps.

1. Ang galing ni Heneral. Parang kahit anong isulat nya, kalokohan man or seryosohan, nagiging work of art. Pak. Ang galing talaga ni Heneral.

2. A photo of Bo Sanchez facing his wife in kimono. He had his hands in his pocket gazing at Marowe like she's all that he can see. Super awww moment. Pag nakatagpo ako ng lalaking ganito... Ay nako, Universe... Kung makakatagpo lang talaga ako ng lalaking ganito.

3. Sabi sa nabasa ko, hindi daw healthy na masyado naten i-fangirl or i-idolize ang isang tao kasi minsan nakakalimutan naten na kaya rin nateng gumawa ng bagay na just as impressive.

4. Mejo masaya ko lately.

5. Nanood kami ng The Ghost Bride kanina. Majority ng tagalog horror films na napanood ko, panget (Shake Rattle n Roll, Pagpag, etc). This one, hindi panget. Not exactly maganda, pero nagustuhan ko yung latter part. Nakaka amaze ang culture ng mga Chinese. I wonder if the Chinese traditions shown in the film are fact based.

6. I remember you liked (likes?) this Chinese girl... Urgh! Nevermind.

7. Don Juan of the Zodiacs. Ito yung description na napanood ko sa youtube about your sign. I think that was on point. R has the same sign too. Also a Don Juan in his own way. The rest of the descriptions fit just as much. Naisip ko lang na theoretically, sino bang magkakagusto sa lalaking babaero, hindi gentle with his choice of words at hindi keen on settling down?

8. Jeez, I have terrible taste in men.

9. "Ako si Super Maaaaaam"... My niece and sis-in-law left for Cavite last Saturday and since then, wala ng sumasagot ng "lumalaban!" everytime na kumakanta ako ng "ako si Super Maaaaaam".

10. Ok. Hindi ko na kaya. Inaantok na ko.

11. Shucks, it's working...

12. Antok n q zzzzzzzzzz....



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Written by cinderellaareus at 12:29 AM.

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Sow confusion, reap confusion
Saturday: October 28, 2017



"Minsan kasi akala mo lang hindi mo mahal."

I raised an eyebrow when someone told this to me. Truth is I'm pretty much clear on how I feel, I just don't talk about it.

...

"So anong reaction mo," you asked. I would love to give you a mega eyeroll to the max, you dense moron. Kainis ka.

I was pissed off. If this was the reaction you're after, then you win. But of course, you will never get the luxury of knowing. 

You started all these yet there you were, you couldn't even bear looking when I was with this other boy, and for the record, it wasn't ochestrated.

...

When not in battle mode, I'm always on the defensive side. Weapons of choice: denial and pretense. Weird how I kept on doing this for the past decade even if I know that it doesn't really work.

Why not try honesty and sincerity instead, Z? Maybe you'll end up getting a different result.

...

..

Nah, too much work. Besides, hindi ko rin naman yata mapapangatawanan pa. I'm pretty messed up on my own, why bring someone along?

But if I will be asked if I'll be okay with you ending up with someone else, I'm certain that my answer will be 'no'.

But then...

Well, be it.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 10:35 AM.

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I am a master of my emotions
Friday: October 27, 2017



This is one of my favorites from Og Mandino's scroll. When Joey de Leon's depression related comment was still hot, I wasn't one of those who cried foul because I think there is some truth to that idea. It was just that Joey didn't wrap his idea/comment in a better package. We are all about packages these days, aren't we?

Before I start feeling bad again, well, yeah, I remember the scroll. That 'I am a master of my emotions' thingy. Last night before I slept, I went to parents' room. Mom was eating peanut butter sandwich and I took a bite, then suddenly things weren't so bad anymore. I think the world can fall apart, but as long as I'm with the people I love, kahit ano pa yan, kaya ko yan.

There will be an event today. I feel far from wanting to socialize, but I already said yes.

The world demands so much of me lately. Did I sign up for this? Maybe I did. 

When down with 2 choices, what will you choose? Live with it until you hate it? Or just leave?



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Written by cinderellaareus at 08:01 AM.

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Shards
Thursday: October 26, 2017



I found a really nice set of movies lately. Not really so much a fan of love stories recently, but these are good. Minimalist, painfully realistic. The one i watched today is the prequel of the one I've watched yesterday. In the movie, the girl talked about how scared she is about dying.

I've been in a few accidents before. The worst happened when I was sleeping in a bus. Woke up as the bus skidded. I remember there were shards of broken glasses flying in front of me and i found that one of my sleeves was soaked with blood. I'm pretty sure I wasn't scared then. I remember i even waited—more like eagerly anticipated—that our bus will collide into one of the colossal columns in EDSA. I remember wondering how the collision will feel like. That event made me think that maybe I'm not really scared of dying.

The jeep I was riding earlier was fast. I wondered if that was going to be my last night. Funny, didn't mind that much. 

Things are pretty bad. I ran out of ways to fix things. As I sleep tonight, I can only hope that the Heavens will just fix everything for me.

....

...

Yeah, I haven't felt this bad in a while.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 09:51 PM.

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