. April 17, 2018

Ashes and Rise

Inaantok na ko so mabilis lang to.

May post yung fb friend ko na parang excerpt from an interview ata ng entrep na may-ari ata ng Phoenix.

Mahaba, maraming typo. Pero binasa ko hanggang dulo.

Isa lang talaga ang gusto ko sa ngayon...

Ay wait, dalawa pala.

Pero basta, yung isa, puteeek, gusto ko na isugal lahat para makuha ko na.

Nung isang araw, bumili ako ng Toni Robbins book kahit mahal at nagtitipid talaga ko. Alam ko kasi madalas sya magtalk about taking massive action. Feeling ko yun yung kailangan ko dahil I'm so done with baby steps na. Araw araw, sinisugurado kong meron akong ginagawa. Hindi na nga ko nanonood ng kdrama.

Sa totoo lang hindi naman talaga big deal. Pero kasi ang choice ko nalang e to do this or kill myself. So it's a given that I'd do this, right?

Ay, puteek, kinain ako bigla ng lungkot. Lol.

-------

Was talking to neri earlier. She told me, she now have a boyfriend. A few days ago, she was heartbroken, I'm just glad that in the end, everything turned in her favor. As expected from neri, she told me i also have to find my own na. I told her i will, but I'm focusing on something else right now. She didn't buy it. Pag kausap ko yung batang yun, pakiramdam ko life and death matter ang paghahanap ng mapapang asawa. Haha. But i love neri. Loka loka yun, kerengkeng, but she's a beautiful woman inside as much as she is outside. At swerte ng jowa nya because she is a good woman too. I asked her if they kissed na and she said no. Sa wedding lang daw sya magpapakiss. Mama Mary levels. Lol. But I'm proud of that girl. Sana matinong lalaki ang nabingwit nya this time.

So sa love life ko, anong bang gagawin ko?

Hindi ko alam.

Itatanong ko nalang kay Toni Robbins.


Written by cinderellaareus at 10:57 PM.

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* * * *

Sunday. April 15, 2018

IMY

"***, hindi mo na ko pinapansin...."

Countless missed calls and "seen" messages that's been going for almost a year, I wonder when will he stop...

On most days, I feel sorry. But for someone who's hurting because the person she cares about no longer cares for her, i kinda found comfort at the thought na, 'well, at least quits lang.' 

Namimiss lang kita.

I can invent ways and find excuses to talk to you, but that I won't do. The door had always been open from the start. I never had the intention to lock you up. YOU. ARE. FREE.

And i like you better that way. I just miss you.

I don't really need you in my life. I've been fine on my own and there's no way that anyone's absence could break me.

I just miss you. Though I don't need you in my life, I think it would be nice if you can just stay. I miss you.

And I wish you will end finding someone who can bring you more peace...

And thank you for dropping by.

--------

In my supposed restful Sunday, my parents left for Tito Leo's birthday. With my brother out attending the mass with his family, I was left home alone to man the house, feed the dog and serve customers of our tiny sari sari store.

By the afternoon, I went out to meet a customer for this business that i started.

Sa paunti unting effort na ineexert ko, feeling ko walang nangyayari saken, pero sadyang isang araw pala, magugulat ka nalang na naipon na pala yung paunti unting changes na naging malaking change na bumago na pala sa buhay at pagkatao mo.

Mahiyain kasi akong tao. Pero kanina ko lang na pansin na I am now more comfortable in talking with people. And kaya ko naring mag sales talk! Sa tingin ko, ang best sales strategy is to genuinely care for the customers, because when you feel it in your heart, it will be reflected in your voice, words and actions, and the customers will feel it. Nakakatuwa lang.

Today, I became an inch nearer to my goal. Ang liit na progress, hindi mo nga siguro masyadong madadama. Pero pasasaan ba at mag-aaccumulate ang bawat inch na to para maging meters and miles hanggang siguro magugulat nalang ako na narating ko na pala yung gusto kong puntahan. Sana patuloy parin akong tulungan ng langit.

-------

Minsan may doubts.

Minsan may kaba.

Minsan rin, masasaktan ka. Madi-disappoint. Mapapagod.

Pero kahit ganun, sa tingin ko, maganda pa rin naman ang buhay.


Written by cinderellaareus at 07:39 PM.

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* * * *

Thursday. April 12, 2018

行け~

A lot of things to do. I'm just happy it's Friday tomorrow. 

Activities were already plotted for the weekend,  I had to bail out for the ones that landed on Sunday because I really want to have at least a day of rest. Sana magbunga lahat ng pagpupunyagi for whatever "pagpupunyagi" means. 

A lot of things making me sad today but I don't even have the energy to mourn.

Lol. This is lame. 

Know what, though my friends and I have a lot of things in common, we're just worlds apart when it comes to the way we deal with the matters of the heart. 

I remember when the guy B was dating suddenly stopped seeing her. She wanted to know why because she doesn't want to go on wondering. Maybe because B is a strong woman who can handle the truth. I'm just totally different. 

If you no longer want me, then just go. Don't drop hints. Don't bother to explain. I wouldn't want to know why anyway. It's bad enough that you came only to break my heart. At least have the decency to leave me with my pride intact. 

...

Ilang frogs pa ba bago dumating yung prince?

Pagod na ko, Universe.


Written by cinderellaareus at 10:14 PM.

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* * * *

Wednesday. April 11, 2018

853

Mixed emotions ang araw na to. Parang thriller/horror movie na may nakaka heart attack na SFX.

There was an integrity roadshow this morning. We had a discussion about integrity related rules, sites we're not allowed to visit (which is practically every single website in existence), and so on. They'll do random inspections daw from tims to time. Ang hirap na tuloy mag Facebook in peace. Tas the CEO from America is here for a week too and will randomly visit accounts unannounced. These are making me jumpy everytime the door beeps. Suspense, pare.

Pero ok lang naman. Mas bet ko yung suspense kesa sa drama.

May isang crab na nagmessage sa business ko in fb earlier. Nakakapikon, gusto ko patulan kaso tinatamad ako. Feeling ko hindi rin naman worth it. I just used my seducing prowess to tame her grudge just to be sure she won't cause me problems in the future. Wala rin kasi akong energy talaga to engage in a fight na hindi rin naman magiging profitable saken in the first place.

Then, the boy sent me a message too. Now I'm getting how Gabby and LA felt. This is starting to get exhausting. I'm thinking whether to tell the officers about the convo or not, pero alam ko, pagod na rin sila. This whole issue is getting old. I think we all want to move on na.

------- 

Another suspense (but a good one : >.

My favorite world champ is coming to ph for the Discon on 2019. I cant let this pass so I guess I'll be going to Cebu April next year. I hope I won't be needing to sell a few of my stocks para lang rito. 50% excited na ko!!!! Siguro yung other 50% , saka na pag nakabayad na ko. Ang main concern ko talaga e yung problematic kong digestive system. Sana magaganda at maayos sa CR sa Cebu. 

Iniisip ko rin.... Well, iniisip ko lang naman... Ang saya siguro if kasama ako sa district contestants sa Discon. Even better kung ako yung mag cha champion. Wala lang, para astig. Pampam kay idol. Haha. Pero srsly, namimiss ko naring manalo.

---------

Now the comedy part.

May guest kami last fri na niloloko naming admirer ni Jay kasi nag message sa kanya telling her na ang galing nya sa public speaking. Tas pinupusuan pa mga posts nya. The following day, the same guest added me in FB, sent me a message, and we had this convo.

I like this kiddo. May taste sya.

Cheret.


Written by cinderellaareus at 08:55 PM.

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* * * *

Sunday. April 9, 2018

Timelines and type

I just realized, we probably are in a totally different time line.

I'm starting to think that maybe I'm targeting the wrong guy. I'm so done with waiting for people to be ready.

Ayoko na nga...

-------

Para sa babaeng tulad ko na hindi marunong magluto, 100x na nakakagwapo talaga sa guy if he can cook.

Pag marunong pang mag bake, ay, 200x na yun!

E kaso sigurado akong hindi nya ko type...

Kaya yun, back to zero.

-------

1244. Technically Monday na. Need to wake up 330 because i have work. Putek, i cant sleep. T_T

I got the formal invitation from the University who invited me to become their resource speaker. 45 mins yung allotted time. The last time I did was only 15mins. Gumawa nalang kaya ako ng intermission number para maubos agad ang oras ko?

Pero imbis na iniisip ko kung gano kahirap to, iisipin ko nalang on how brilliant and talented i am because the Heavens made me that way. There is no way I can't do this superbly. Galing ko kaya! Whew!

Fake it till you make it. Kaya ko to!


Written by cinderellaareus at 12:53 AM.

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* * * *

Saturday. April 7, 2018

Patatas

Mom bought me a swivel chair from a junk shop a few days back. After having it cleaned, they put it inside my room. I hate seeing my miniscule room this crammed up, but I really love how comfy the chair is so i cant really get rid of it. Besides, Mom bought it for me.

Today, i spent most of my day sitting on the said chair yawning. A real patatas through and through.

Because of the drinking shesh with the girls plus gabby and ivan fri night that lasted until 2am, it was almost 4 when i got home and was able to sleep past 5. By 9am, the sun was all up and it's too bright so i wasn't able to sleep any longer. Feeling ko umandar lang ang araw ko today nang half asleep ako.

It's Lola's birthday today. She just turned 92. She changed so much from the last time that i remember her. She just lives next to us, but it's been a long while since i last visited her. She doesn't seem to recognize me and my brother. I'm not even sure if she can still speak at all. I wonder how people as old as Lola feels. Dumadating din siguro sa tao yung point na they're too old to even feel no? Well, i dont know.

Sana kung umabot man ako sa twilight days ko, sana by then, nakapag ipon na ko ng magagandang memories na pwede kong balikan. At siguro maraming pera na rin to live decently. Sana by then hindi ako nag-iisa. Jeez, feeling ko kailangan ko nga talaga mag-asawa.

--------

Will be meeting people from the club again tomorrow. Probably my last execom. I wonder how it would be like to be an ordinary member. Sana hindi masyadong nakakalungkot ang mga changes. Sana magkaron din ako ng courage and sipag to use the extra time i have to work on my goals and dreams. Sa totoo lang, minsan feeling ko hindi naman fear ang kalaban ko kundi laziness.

Parang ngayon,

Inaantok na ko, pero tinatamad akong matulog.

Very good.


Written by cinderellaareus at 10:44 PM.

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* * * *

Saturday. April 7, 2018

No to "ok lang"

I was feeling so bad yesterday that i visited the chap twice and lighted 4 candles.

Everytime i ask something from the Heavens, I often say "ok lang po kung hindi mo ibigay, basta..." Kahit na most of the time, hindi naman talaga ok. Siguro may part saken na ayaw pangunahan ang Langit, but I think maybe the Father would rather have my honesty.

Lord, hindi po ok kung mawawala sya saken at mapupunta sya sa iba, so please don't make it happen.

There. Said it.

------

TM night yesterday. I was hoping to have a drink with the girls to at least flush off the bad feelings. Good thing, i didn't have to ask because bea invited and said it's her treat. We drank and ate at Nommu and Doc Trina was even with us. Nakakatuwa. I love these people.

The only thing that makes me sad about not being an officer anymore is that i wont be able to have an excuse to hang out with them, but then maybe that doesn't have to happen because I'm still a member and they're still my friends. Di ba? I think I'm starting to find that relieved feeling i was hoping to feel before.

------

"Z**, hindi nga, may gusto sayo si ***"

"Pano pag ligawan ka ni ***, Z?"

The boy and i had been talking. He reports what's happening to his life and his plans, and I do the same. If he doesn't stand a chance, he should've been rejected a long time ago. But to date, he had never received a single rejection from me. The guy's smart. I'm pretty sure he gets that. If he really likes me, he should've told me already.

------

I received an invitation to be a guest speaker in some university. My intestines were screeming "No!" But my fingers typed, "Sure. Please send me the details."

I didn't do so well the last time I became a guest speaker in this other University, that I don't really feel confident that I'll be able to pull it off this time. Still, I want to give it a try para no regrets. Sabi ni Jay, she'll help me day. I love that girl so much, I'm really happy. Still, I just wish the she could just lend me her public speaking skills even just for a day because this whole idea is making my stomach churn already.

------

I feel a whole lot better now but I don't understand why I still can't eat.


Written by cinderellaareus at 11:22 AM.

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* * * *

Friday. April 6, 2018

夢じゃない

a set of gold measuring spoon.

a hooded bath towel in watermelon print.

airport.

rain.

leopard figurines.

you.

me.

them.

my heart sank and is still sinking, i can barely eat.

sabi daw ni anthony robins, may power daw ang tao na baguhin ang sarili nyang state.

well, let's try...

-----------

results of the nomination came. i wasnt on the list. i thought im going to feel relieved. well, maybe not yet. but im pretty sure my mother will be very happy.

jer seems panicky. i told him to relax. funny, he's talking to me about this when i told him bluntly that i wont vote for him as the president.

he told me, "dapat ikaw to e." i told him "if its meant for me it will never miss me. kaya wala ko dyan kasi hindi para saken yan." after sending, i just realized im probably wrong.

whatevs. this is so boring.

-----------

rereading oliver emberton's blog.

ive been at the edge for some time, i didnt know it will take me this long to get myself out of here.

pero siguro, i cant expect my life to really change if i will just do the same things that ive been doing all these years. clearly, they arent working.

the first (and only) time that i heard God speak, what he said was "I did not give you fear."

iniisip ko kung fear ba yung nararamdaman ko or something else.

-----------

i was 7 when i learned one of the most important lessons ive learned in my life.

today, i was reminded of the same lesson and more.

its bad enough that you dont ask for what you want, but that's a whole lot acceptable than acting like you dont really want it.

what you think, what you say and what you do should be in line with eachother.

i want to engrave these words in my heart just so i will never forget again.

-----------

i feel like my state had gotten even worse after trying. : (

feeling ko lahat ng part ng buhay ko ngayon, hindi ok.

...

z, please dont cry.


Written by cinderellaareus at 03:26 PM.

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* * * *

Thursday. April 5, 2018

against the current

its feels like swimming upstream.

or maybe climbing up a mountain, fighting gravity.

well, not that ive tried any of these.

jay told me she doesnt want to hear what the boy has to say na. she's probably fed up and i understand. i told her though that she has to be there because we need her. i know im too soft for these sheeesh.

sometimes i wish there's someone among us who will agree with me so that i wont feel so abnormal. lol.

sabi kasi nila pag may masakit daw ibig sabihin may mali. since masakit, ibig sabihin siguro mali. well, hindi ko naman talaga alam.

i will negotiate for another chance for the boy, even if i too think that he's an as*hole. im doing this not because he deserve this but because... i dont know. this is what feels right for me.

they may not listen, but i want to at least try.


Written by cinderellaareus at 03:54 PM.

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* * * *
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