木曜日. September 21, 2019

Family x Life

Was on my home when I got a message from Brother that they are in the hospital. Sis-in-law was in ER because her BP was shooting up endangering her pregnancy. Today, they killed 4000 pesos because of that.

It must be tough getting pregnant in your 30s. She's 2 years younger than I am. Paano pa kaya ko? My BP has always been low though.

Mom managed to convince my neice to leave her parents at the hospital and go back home. I was tasked to be her yaya for a few hours. We were in their room and while watching Power Ranger, she said out of the blue, "babay, Mommy." She wasn't crying, but there were droplets of tears stucked at the corner of her eye.

Z: Bakit ka nagbababay kay Mommy?

K: Kasi may sakit sya e.

I explained to my niece that her mom's gonna come back. They're just waiting for the doctor who is probably having lunch and that her mom's gonna be ok.

I squeezed my niece in a tight hug. I feel like my heart is not made to handle children. It hurts me so when my niece is being like this, and I'm not even her mother.

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Got home past 3AM last night. We had an afters, and I feel like it's been a while since I laughed so hard, I was having stitches. I really love these people. There are just few things I'm worried about regarding the executive committee. We're already halfway the term. I wish we will be able to work this out by the following months. After this term, I'm gonna be free na. With more time in my hands, I want to explore my options and have a concrete plan on what to do with my life. I hope I still have my work by that time.

Speaking of work, I just hit the 2-month mark last September 12. An officemate often tease me because I keep calling myself "shinjin"(new person) to which he passionately disagree. Now he always greet me, "hello, Shinjin-san" para mang-asar. In fairness to him, I do feel like I've been here for a long enough time already though. Well, save for my shinjin-level skills, that is.

Well-paid, well-treated, very low workload. Ano pa bang hahanapin ko? Ang sabaw nga lang ng mga calls ko lately, iniisip ko kung hanggang kailan kaya nila ako mapagtyatyagaan dito. While here, I think I really should save money.

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Queen B's birthday celebration next Sat. The Instagirls are coming. They are girl-friends I miss to bits. The theme is Britney Spears. I wonder is my permed hair is Britney Spears enough.

I also just registered for KCON classes by November. I still don't have leave credits by then. Sayang ang sahod. Bukod don, hindi ko rin alam kung papayagan ba ko.... or kung meron pa ba kong trabaho sa mga panahong yon. Muli, bahala na.


07:33 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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金曜日. September 20, 2019

Infra

Just a few days back, I wondered why I haven't been having dreams. But just last night, I had one. And it got me wake up feeling so bad I feel like I will never be happy again.

Part of me feels certain that that dream is actually true. Damn, I'm nobody's mouse.

"Bakit ang tahimik mo ngayon?" Coworker asked me for the nth time today. How am I supposed to answer that?

Isn't it odd? The things that hurt us the most, we find so hard to talk about.

My heart hurts.


03:14 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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水曜日. September 18, 2019

Renewals

I don't know, but club renewal season kinda feel likes like end-of-semister season. Yung tipong hindi mo alam kung sino-sino pa ba ang matitira sa mga classmmates mo. This club was once home to me. Surely, naiirita at naiistress na rin ako madalas, but I think this is still home. Man, my heart is hurting.

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J-speakers are planning for an outing. I have 4 workshops to set up on October, 4 contests by November and a committee to form. Paano ko sasama?

Pwede naman siguro, maiistress nga lang ako. Pero nasabi ko na rin na muri. Sabi ko dati, I'll put my relationships first before anything else. Ano to, Z?

Then I realized, I'm not really doing this for the club, this is for my own well-being.

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I feel sad. Must be PMS.


08:50 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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火曜日. September 17, 2019

Bagay Things

Iniisip ko kung manonood ako ng sine or mag me-memorize ng speech. Putek, kailangan ko na magtipid. Promise, gusto ko lang suportahan ang pelikulang Pilipino kahit hindi ko naman talaga nagustuhan yung pinanood ko kagabi.

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"Weakness mo talaga ang mga bading no?" BFF said a few days back.

Tingin ko hindi naman talaga ganun yun.

Mejo declining na yung liking though. For all I know, baka friendship lang rin to. 

"Ang sarap ng feeling na mauuna akong umuwi sayo." He said this earlier, pero wag ka, 8 na sya umuwi at sumabay sakin.

"Saan ang way mo?"

"Sa puso mo."

"Ha?"

"Sa puso ng Pilipino."

Kung di ko alam na bading to, iisipin kong nakikipaglandian sakin to. Pero kilala ko sya e. Alam kong normal nya yan.

Still, crush or not, I won't mind having this person around. If only he can just stay.


09:20 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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日曜日. September 15, 2019

Plea

It always hurts me seeing a vehicle full of pigs who are about to be slaughtered. Their skin have cut marks all over them and they're not even dead yet. Why do owners do that? Sometimes I thought maybe I can buy at least 1 pig and save his/her life...

... only to go home and eat sinigang na baboy that my dad cooked.

This feels so wrong. Can someone teach me how to be a vegetarian?

I hate vegetables. T_T


02:49 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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金曜日. September 13, 2019

Blessings and curse

Mom just told me last night that 2 nights back, someone threw a rock the size of a soup bowl to the bus that my brother was riding in. Tinamaan sya sa leeg. Sabi nya ok naman daw si Kuya pero hinihintay pa ang result ng ultrasound. Ang dami talagang gag* sa Pilipinas. Nakakainis. If the rock landed in the wrong place, I could've lost a brother, and my niece a Dad. Nakakapikon. 

Still, I'm just happy that he's not dead.

On a happy note, I just found out that sis-in-law is pregnant. We're having a new baby! It breaks my heart though when Mom told be that my niece was crying when they were joking about it. Sana naman matanggap to ng pamangkin ko. I love that munchkin so much.

Then it goes that my cousins started asking, "si <insert my name here>, kelan?" I wish I know the answer.

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Lumindol kanina. Hindi ko manlang nadama. Pero pinalabas kaming lahat ng building and we stayed outside for about 3 hrs. Feeling ko kung co#3 to, nasa work station parin kami convincing ourselves na walang nangyari.

I was with the rest of the j-speakers nang mapansin ko na malapit samin si Sir P-- the guy from TA na kausap ko lagi nung hinahire palang ako. Yung unang crush ko sa co na to. I was trying not to look his way, pero maya maya, lumapit sya samin at nangamusta. Kwento dito, kwento dun. Nalaman ko na sya pala ang dahilan kung bakit ang laki ng sahod ko. At nalaman ko rin na pare pareho lang ang sahod namin ng mga newly hired j-speakers. Sabi nya, "nilalagay ko talaga yung pinakamataas, sayang kasi e." Grabe, ang bait nya. Gusto ko na talaga sya i-hug kanina. Ang swerte ko dahil sya ang na assign na TA samin.

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May mga bagay na nagbago sa damdamin ko today. Hindi ko rin alam. Siguro next week, malalaman ko.

His shift will be 10am-7pm. Only 1 hr earlier than mine. Sat-Sun na rin ang rest days nya. And this sched is of his own choosing.

Only 2 weeks left of September though. I wonder what my shift will be by October. Magpapang-abot kaya kami? Bahala na.


09:23 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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木曜日. September 13, 2019

Modoritakunai

1:15 and I still can't sleep.

Yung guy na feeling ko type nya has taken the seat next to him bilang nag resign na si P****. Ewan ko.

When he got to the office, he went to my seat to initiate a convo. I made myself busy with the things I'm busy with outside the office. He took the cue.

Mega kwento sila nung guy na feeling ko crush nya kanina. He's sarcastic most of the time, pero to that guy, mabait sya.

From time to time, pumupunta sya sa seat ko in another attempt to start a convo. Ang hirap. Ang hirap hirap makipag-usap. Hindi ko rin gets. Parang ayoko ng palalain pa to. Pag nakausap ko ulet sya baka mas magustuhan ko pa sya e.

Lagi lagi sa kanya ako nagtatanong pag meron akong hindi alam gawin sa office. May Japanese call na pumasok sa kanya kanina, so Kurt told him na ipasa sakin. The whole time, he was behind me, pero mas pinakikinggan ko si Charlie. When he left to go back to his seat at hindi alam ni Charlie yung sagot sa tanong ko, normally sa kanya ako magtatanong, but I went to ask PM instead. Ang hirap makipag-usap. Ang hirap ngumiti sa kanya. Dati dati never akong umalis ng office na hindi nagbababye sa kanya, pero kanina I skipped mentioning his name and went out and said bye to everyone in general. Heck, I couldn't even say his name.

Siguro iso-sort out ko lang muna tong nararamdaman ko. Gusto ko parin naman syang makasama. Sana kahit paano magawa ko yung friends lang na setup. Sana maayos ko to. Kasi, putek, ilang beses na bang nangyari yung ganito? Ayoko na bumalik sa ganito.

Nalulungkot ako.


01:41 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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木曜日. September 12, 2019

Uso bakkari

As humans, we often lie when we're scared.

I've been lying a lot lately that sometimes I don't know what's the truth anymore.

Itigil na natin to, Z.

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I bought bracelets made of healing stones, one of which is called BOTSWANA. Said this stone is beneficial for overcoming depression and strengthens you at times of grief. Oh, wow.


09:01 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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火曜日. September 10, 2019

Existence and stuff

I'm taking a leave tomorrow to get my backpay from my old co. Leave without pay. Feeling ko mas malaki pa ang mawawala sakin sa isang araw na absent ako dun sa makukuha ko sa backpay ko.

Mom asked na sa kanya nalang daw and I obliged. One month din kasi akong walang sahod and it took a toll to our household's budget. They're going to Metro to get it. I know they're just finding an excuse na makagala. Syempre treat ko ang food. Ok lang naman. All these, I do for them. Pero sana soon, makahanap na rin ako ng way para makaipon.

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I remember the Wounded Puppy. I always remember that person from time to time. The last time, he told me about his frustrations and how his family has to do with it. He also told me about his plans. I love listening to men's plans. It fascinates me. I remember I was also like this with J. 

He was looking at someone from the far end opposite to where we were seated. "Tumataba na si <insert the guy's name here>. Parehas kayo." Iniisip ko tuloy kung type nya ba yung guy. Tinatanaw nya kasi mula malayo. When the guy actually came near him and asked him something, feeling ko nag-iba yung tone ng voice nya. Earlier that incident, he mentioned the word "bisexual" when what he intended to say was "bilingual".

Bisexual. Narinig ko na to. Y used this same word before. Hindi naman sa judgemental ako, pero based on experience, bi's are most likely homo. Pero syempre I could be wrong. And really, why should it matter?

Would you like a puppy to change? I tried to ask myself if I'll mind in case it's true that he's gay, and the answer is "no". So let's give it a rest and let him be.

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I met LA earlier. Super quick chat over coffee. That girl's shift ends at 12mn. Sinakripisyo nya ang tulog for a quick 30 minutes chika with me.

Ang bait ng Diyos. Binigyan Nya ko ng mga ganitong klaseng kaibigan.

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I'm feeling so tired lately. Feeling ko ang daming demands ng mga tao sa paligid ko, I'm starting to feel rebellious.

Gusto ko ng isang araw na sarili ko lang ang iniintindi ko. Yung may may full peace and quiet. Isang araw lang naman. Pwede ba yun?


11:02 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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