.Saram. Ningen. Tao. Human.
土曜日: October 16, 2020



I was having an argument with Mom over our bathroom's renovation. My niece got scared on how angry I was that she started crying. To console her, Mom said, "wag ka matakot kay Tita, ganyan lang talaga yan kasi matandang dalaga."

I've told them so many times, but I guess my family will never understand why they shouldn't be doing this to me.

This lockdown is dragging real long. When I was living at my place in Manda, there were so many days when felt really lonely. Pero ngayon, I'm convinced that I should get my own place na and live alone.

Nabasa ko sa isang tabulas post dati na humans are like porcupines daw. We feel cold so we try to stick together, but doing so hurts, so we need to stay apart again. Sobrang perfect nung metaphor on how I feel about people.

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The handsome Korean men of Kdramas are all I live for these days. 



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Written by cinderellaareus at 08:28 PM.

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Don't Dare To Dream
金曜日: October 16, 2020



Just finished watching Don't Dare To Dream, which is also known as Jealousy Incarnate. An addition to my top favorites. Basta ata kasama si Kong Hyo-jin sa casts, maganda e. Grabe ngayon lang ako inabot ng past 4am sa panonood, and I could've went on watching kung di lang na deds yung cellphone ko. This is the first time that my phone totally ran out of battery since Mom bought it.

Ang ganda, grabe. Nung in pain yung male lead, I was squirming and ouching, feeling his pain. Grabe. Around 2nd-3rd eps, di ko na dapat itutuloy kasi ang pushover ng character ng bidang babae, di ako makaralate. Tas yung bidang guy, not the usual inhumanly beautiful male lead ng korean novela. I'm glad I kept watching. And as I went on watching, grabe ang laki ng kinapogi nung mail lead sa paningin ko. Wahhhhh! Mahal na mahal ko ang palabas na to it's hard to let them go. T_T

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Every time I catch myself remembering the past too much, I make an effort to be aware of the present moment. To do this, I need to touch the walls, or feel any object just so I would know that, hey, Z, you're here. This is where you are now. This is where your power is. Come back, come back...

Sighs.

Some ramdom memory from about 15 yrs back. There was this dude who was taking a picture of me. When he found out that I knew, he started asking casually to take pictures. We were kinda close, that dude and I. A friend concluded that maybe the dude liked me, but back then, I felt like that wasn't the case.

It was you, wasn't it? Ginawa mo na kasi yun before. Also, sa pagkakakilala ko sa iyo, maiinis ka pag may ibang lalaking gumawa sakin ng ganun. But that time, you were there, and you were fine with what was happening. It was you, di ba? It was you.

Anong ginawa mo sa pictures ko? Tinapon mo ba before your wedding? Or way before that? 

Kung hindi ikaw ang nagpagawa nun, then it doesn't matter. Even if it was you, maybe it shouldn't matter, no?

------

Jeez. I feel like I'm watching too much kdrama. Sa sobrang daming romcom na napanood ko, malapit na siguro akong maging love expert. Lel.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 04:39 PM.

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日曜日: October 11, 2020



The workers were installing stair railings right in front of my room yesterday. The machines they used were so loud that I'm worried if my ears are still functioning fine.

My head has been exceptionally hurting these days. Naulanan din kasi ako nung Friday. I'm yet to bring my stuff back to my room, so I don't know where the thermometer is. I do feel a little feverish. 

Just 1 more day and I'm wrapping up my workweek. I'm taking VLs on Tue and Weds. Tas rest days for the 2 days that follow. 

4 days worth of vacay. Wala naman akong gagawin. Naiingayan lang kasi ako sa ginagawang renovation sa bahay, nakakahiya sa users na tumatawag, naririnig nila yung grinder at martilyo. Kailangan ko rin kasi maglipat ng gamit.

Nakakamiss mag travel. Namimiss ko na naman ang Japan. I want to go there, bring my parents with me. I wonder how much have changed since I went there 11 years ago. I want to go back. Gusto kong tuparin to.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 12:16 PM.

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Kitto itsuka yume ga kanau
土曜日: October 2, 2020



I think, it's when life is too easy that we lose our will to keep going.

Alam mo ba, ang pakinabang ko lang sa bahay namin is my money. I'm pretty useless at everything else.

Wala akong pasok, but didn't bother to wash the dishes. Dad is too old and his legs are getting weaker, yet he cooks and man the sari sari store we own. Mom helps out with the construction of the house to minimize the expenses, filling tile gaps herself despite being a senior citizen. My brother is working, while tending to his family, and sometimes moving stuff in their room that is being renovated. When his work was over, he ate dinner late to wash the dishes first.

This girl spent the last 2 days watching kdrama the whole day when everyone else in the house was busy.

I did feed the cat and cleaned its poop. But that was pretty much it.

I love my family. I really do. I just hate doing household chores.

That's why I want to have a lot of money... to make up for being useless at everything else.

-----

Sabi sa isang talk that I attended, we can have everything daw. Hindi nga lang sabay-sabay. Looking back, feeling ko, isa isa ko rin naman nakuha yung mga bagay na gusto kong makuha. At least tig 1 year ang pagitan.

I've been looking at the things that I have now, trying to remember how I felt when I didn't have it yet. I tried to relive the longing and the hunger. That seemingly endless uncertainty of whether I'll end up getting it or not.

Gusto ko na one day, gawin ko ulet to.

There's this one thing that I really really want at the moment. Nilu-look forward ko na dumating ulet yung time na nasa akin na itong gusto kong makuha at inaalala ko nalang yung feeling nung wala pa to sakin.

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Sobrang cute ni Seo Kang Joon! 

Alam mo, ang daming interesting na palabas sa Netflix yet I always stick with Kramas, mainly for the handsome men. Lol.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 09:51 PM.

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Mou Oboenai
木曜日: October 1, 2020



I tried to remember how it felt like. Pero wala, hindi ko talaga maalala.

I told the Heavens how I felt like maybe it's pointless to ask for the nth time when He had let me down so many times before.

I know that God owes me nothing, at hindi ko sya genie na obligadong ibigay lahat ng hiling ko.

I hate this helplessness.

Alas dos na. Wala akong pasok ng huwebes kaya hindi kailangan gumising ng maaga. I'd probably still wake up early though. By early, meaning 7am-is. My body has this habit of kicking me out of bed around this hour in the morning.

Sa totoo lang, I feel unwell. Most days, I don't really feel like waking up at all.

I am once again turning a year older in a few days.

Sometimes I feel like 35 is a too long years to live.

Cristina died before 30. She sort of predicted that.

Joven was 25. Jeff was 28. Joie... I forgot.

Siguro sadyang mahirap lang ang mga panahong ito.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 02:56 AM.

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日曜日: September 28, 2020



A friend said that she feels like she's falling out of love na with her husband. I asked if there's someone else. She said none, and that she's not interested with anyone at all. She said she's just tired. 

It's one of my fears, you know. To wake up one day and realize you no longer want the person you chose.

I think she's tired because the husband doesn't know how to love her the way she needs to.

Know what, when I was young, I thought love was a feeling. As I grew older, I heard people saying that love is a decision. But as the conversation with my married friend progressed, I started thinking that maybe love is actually a skill.

Tingin mo?

I told the friend to tell the husband. I think he got to know. I mean, how else will you get better at loving when he's not aware that he's doing it wrongly in the first place? Pero alam ko, magiging mahirap ang ganung klaseng confrontation. Good luck sa friend ko.

-------

October is fast approaching. I hope I'd get to keep my current shift.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 12:02 AM.

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Ayht
土曜日: September 26, 2020



12:30am

Will go back to work in a few hours.

My room's not fixed yet. All my stuff are still outside, but the tiles are all laid down. May ilalagay pang something sa pagitan ng tiles bukas. I don't know if I can work. TL asked me to at least work by the 2nd half of my shift. Hindi rin ako nakapag email ng leave request. Bahala na.

I chose a tile design with a stone-like pattern. Mukhang musuleo. Lol. Still like it though.

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Watching Are You Human Too now. Dahil wala akong pasensya, hinanap ko na yung transcript ng ending. Because, jeez, I can't afford to see that cutie pie of a robot to die no!

Yesterday, I watched Enola Holmes and Avatar: the last airbender. Ewan ko, ok naman yung kwento, pero namiss ko kagad mapanood yung mga gwapong koreano. 



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Written by cinderellaareus at 12:46 AM.

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Musing
木曜日: September 24, 2020



Grade 1. 6-7 years old ako nun nung isa sa mga classmates kong lalaki ang lumapit sakin at sinabing, "<insert my name here>, crush din kita." The girl closest to me at that time, had a crush that guy, so I hurriedly cleared the misunderstanding. 

"Din? Hindi kita crush."

Ang mean pala nun. The guy and I were schoolmates until we finished highschool, but I don't think we were ever able to talk again after that. Feeling ko nga, dun nagmula ang bad karma ko sa lablayp.

-------

If I will be given a chance to go back to the past, I think I'd still make choices that will lead me here to where I am now. But surely, there are things I'd rather do differently.

I wish there's a way for us to know the regrets we'll have in the future. Para ngayon palang, ma correct na. I want to spare my future self of this restlessness I feel over wishing that I didn't do the things I did, or did the things I didn't. 



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Written by cinderellaareus at 01:02 AM.

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Isshoukenmei
火曜日: September 22, 2020



I want to raise my Japanese proficiency level to at least N2. I want to be able to take and pass the exam next year, hopefully when this whole pandemic thing is over.

I also want to learn Korean on the side. Not familiar yet with the standard proficiency classification of this language, but I want to get certified. 

I know I should focus on just one thing at a time, but I found that it helps to study these 2 simultaneously. Pangtanggal umay pag sawa ka na sa isa.

I don't know what am i doing this for. Wala lang siguro, pampalipas oras lang. Kesa tumunganga ako. Sayang ang oras. I also found out that I still love learning.

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Sobrang init kanina.

Ngayon naman umuulan.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 07:20 PM.

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"A dream is a wish your heart makes when you're fast asleep"

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私の名前はZです。

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