金曜日. May 24, 2019

Obaachan

My lola passed away this morning. Tita sent a message on our clan's gc. I'm still waiting for Mom's confirmation.

I'm still going to the party tonight, and to the trainings tomorrow.

...

Can you help me smile, Universe?


07:50 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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木曜日. May 23, 2019

Wala

Thursday. Nagsisisi ako na hindi ako nag half day leave tomorrow. Anniv party ng club. Gusto ko muna maligo bago pumunta don. Syempre magme-make up at mag-aayos ng kaunti. I bought a baby blue floral dress bilang Havana-Coachella ang theme namin. Ang cute nya, I super like it. Pero mas cute siguro kung mejo mas payat pa ko, pero keber.

I'm a little sad that Jay will just drop by lang daw. I'm detached by default, but I'm pretty attached to people closest to me. It made me feel down for a while pero siguro dapat nagfo-focus sa mga blessings at mabubuting bagay.

Mel said she's coming. Ewan ko lang totoo. LA said, dadaanan nya ko para sabay na kami sa party. Basta kasama ko tong dalawang to, okay narin. Si Bea, for sure, kasama ang boylet. Close din naman ako sa iba pang members. I just want my closest friends to be present. Sometimes I feel like I'm missing the point on why I joined Toastmasters-- to improve my social skills, that is.

Mejo nalulungkot parin ako. Sana maging masaya yung party.

-----

Attending trainings on Sat to prepare myself in selling insurance. Sa totoo lang, I'd rather go home. I have 2 interested buyers already, hindi ko pa natatapos yung briefing. Will be meeting Jer again on Monday. Dear Universe, gusto ko na pong yumaman. Sana ikayaman ko to.

-----

I just got the program flow for a friend's wedding that I'll be hosting on September. Puro pangalan ko yung nasa list, hindi naman ako yung ikakasal. Lol.

I'm from the groom's side. Naiistress ako na tinatanong nya saken kung anong bagay na kulay ng sapatos. Parang gusto kong magpa crash course about fashion.

Lahat ng formal shoes ng kapatid ko, black. Ni hindi ko alam na iba iba pala kulay nun.

Naisip ko lang, sadya bang nahihiya ang mga lalaking tanungin ang bride/gf nila tungkol sa kung ano magandang isuot?

I remember, no one from xyz ever asked me about shoes. Ang wirdo talaga ng mga lalaki.

-----

I heard so many bad things about this dude, it's hard to take risk. Pero kung lagi naman akong vigilant, anong mangyayari sa love life ko? Still... ewan.

Ok naman ako as is. Gusto kong hintayin- more like, hanapin- yung okay talaga para sakin. 

Sabi ni Chinnie, malalaman mo daw na tama ang napili mo depende sa amount ng peace na nararamdaman mo with that person.

Kung peace at peace rin lang, I think I found that peace already. Yun nga lang, yung taong involved, wala namang gusto sakin.


07:02 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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水曜日. May 22, 2019

Rain boots

Nabasa ko sa FB ni Tito J, pinsan ni mama:

How to love a jealous man.

1. Give him reassurance that he is the only one for you. Make him feel that you will stick to him no matter how tough the journey is.

2. Stay away from those guys who wanted to be just “friends” with you. He is a man himself. He surely knows their real intentions.

3. Please understand why he becomes borderline possessive sometimes. He does not want to lose you. He cares so much for you.

4. Give him the attention that he deserves. Communicate with him. Make efforts for him too.

5. Do not take him for granted. Appreciate everything that he has done for you. Make him feel that his efforts are valued.

6. Tell him that he is on the right track. Address his worries. Address his insecurities.

7. Give him compliments. Tell him how amazing he is. Tell him how important he is for you.

8. Do not give him reasons to doubt you. Be open with him. Be transparent. Just be honest with him.

9. Be loyal to him. Be faithful to him.

10. Be patient with him. He is trying his best not be overly jealous. He is really doing his best to deal things maturely. He is really doing his best for you.

words by: neil jed castro

****

Sana nabasa ko to 12-13 years ago.

-------

Ipinanganak ako sa Manila. Bandang Sta. Ana. Ilang lundag lang mula sa talipapa. Nung nag 4 years old ako, lumipat kami sa Bulacan at dun na tumira. Hindi na ko nakabalik pa ulit sa Sta. Ana, hindi ko rin naman yun ikinalungkot. Ano bang pwedeng ma-miss ng 4 years old?

Hindi naman kita namimiss. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit ako nalulungkot. Hindi ko na rin kasi maalala. Naging ganyan ka ba kasaya nung kasama kita?

Siguro hindi dapat minamadali ang paghilom.

--------

I want to remind myself of the very simple resolution I gave myself when the year started.

-huwag saktan ang sarili

-huwag pumunta sa mga sitwasyong alam mong masasalanta lang ang puso mo. Di ba biblical yun, "protect your heart."

...

Nalala ko bigla yung chocolates and rain boots sa poem ni Sarah Kay.

Kailangan ko ng rain boots.


08:35 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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. May 21, 2019

One of the most beautiful

-by Sarah Kay

“If I should have a daughter…“Instead of “Mom”, she’s gonna call me “Point B.” Because that way, she knows that no matter what happens, at least she can always find her way to me. And I’m going to paint the solar system on the back of her hands so that she has to learn the entire universe before she can say “Oh, I know that like the back of my hand.”

She’s gonna learn that this life will hit you, hard, in the face, wait for you to get back up so it can kick you in the stomach. But getting the wind knocked out of you is the only way to remind your lungs how much they like the taste of air. There is hurt, here, that cannot be fixed by band-aids or poetry, so the first time she realizes that Wonder-woman isn’t coming, I’ll make sure she knows she doesn’t have to wear the cape all by herself. Because no matter how wide you stretch your fingers, your hands will always be too small to catch all the pain you want to heal. Believe me, I’ve tried.

And “Baby,” I’ll tell her “don’t keep your nose up in the air like that, I know that trick, you’re just smelling for smoke so you can follow the trail back to a burning house so you can find the boy who lost everything in the fire to see if you can save him. Or else, find the boy who lit the fire in the first place to see if you can change him.”

But I know that she will anyway, so instead I’ll always keep an extra supply of chocolate and rain boats nearby, ‘cause there is no heartbreak that chocolate can’t fix. Okay, there’s a few heartbreaks chocolate can’t fix. But that’s what the rain boots are for, because rain will wash away everything if you let it.

I want her to see the world through the underside of a glass bottom boat, to look through a magnifying glass at the galaxies that exist on the pin point of a human mind. Because that’s how my mom taught me. That there’ll be days like this, “There’ll be days like this my momma said” when you open your hands to catch and wind up with only blisters and bruises. When you step out of the phone booth and try to fly and the very people you wanna save are the ones standing on your cape. When your boots will fill with rain and you’ll be up to your knees in disappointment and those are the very days you have all the more reason to say “thank you,” ‘cause there is nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline no matter how many times it’s sent away.

You will put the “wind” in win some lose some, you will put the “star” in starting over and over, and no matter how many land mines erupt in a minute be sure your mind lands on the beauty of this funny place called life.

And yes, on a scale from one to over-trusting I am pretty damn naive but I want her to know that this world is made out of sugar. It can crumble so easily but don’t be afraid to stick your tongue out and taste it.

“Baby,” I’ll tell her “remember your mama is a worrier but your papa is a warrior and you are the girl with small hands and big eyes who never stops asking for more.”

Remember that good things come in threes and so do bad things and always apologize when you’ve done something wrong but don’t you ever apologize for the way your eyes refuse to stop shining.

Your voice is small but don’t ever stop singing and when they finally hand you heartbreak, slip hatred and war under your doorstep and hand you hand-outs on street corners of cynicism and defeat, you tell them that they really ought to meet your mother.”

source: https://www.goodreads.com/


10:14 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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土曜日. May 18, 2019

Chikara o kashite kurenai ka na

She was all smiles when we got there. The kids were happily playing, and for the next three hours, she told us their story.

Mom, Brother and I were at Edward's wake earlier. The wife and kids seem to be doing fine. I just wish that when the guests were gone and they were left by themselves, sana okay parin sila.

Based on the wife's story, mukha namang hindi all rainbows and sunshine ang kanilang love story. But then her eyes always lighted up at the mention of his name. Nakakatuwa syang pakinggan. She was such a storyteller. Habang nagkikwento sya, hindi ko nakita yung lungkot, pero ramdam ko yung kilig nya twing nire-recall yung moments nilang mag-asawa. Paminsan minsan napapansin kong napapahawak nalang sya bigla dun sa may kabaong.

Hindi talaga ako iyaking tao. Pero pag nakakakita ako ng taong ngumingiti at times when they're supposed to cry, I feel like wanting to cry for them.

When we left, Mom told the wife, "kaya mo yan," and she answered, "kayang kaya."

Kaya mo yan.

Today, I found that I enjoy listening to other people's love story. Mga totoong tao na may totoong struggle. They make me feel na talagang may love. It makes me wonder if capable din ba kong ma feel yun balang araw.

I feel sorry that Edward's wife have lost a husband. Pero kahit ganun, I still think that she's lucky. And it's not just about having a husband. I think it's about having another person na hindi mo naman kadugo, hindi mo kaano-ano, pero pinahalagahan mo at pinahalagahan ka. Tas over time, nagawa mong mahalin, at minahal ka rin.

------

My brother and I attended the same school in Elementary and hs. He's one year older, so when I joined COCC in 3rd year, all the cadet officers I had were brother's batchmates, some were his classmates even. Kerengkeng na ko even then, so majority ng lalaking officers namin, crush ko.

Ang init init kanina. I tied my permed hair in an awkward pigtail bilang naiwan ko yung tali ko sa buhok. Naglakad kami ng kaunti bago sumakay ng tricycle kaya ang lapot ko na bago kami nakarating sa lamay. Hindi na rin ako nag bother na maglipstick.

So mejo nagulat ako nung isa isang pumarada yung hs crushes ko papasok sa funerary. Yung iba, dumaan pa saglit para bumati sa kapatid ko. Takte, bakit ba hindi ako nag lipstick?!

Nung lumabas kami, nandun pa si Edmark. Syet! Ang gwapo nya pa rin. Hindi ako natutuwa na nagkatinginan pa kami. Again, bakit ba kasi hindi ako nag lipstick? Ang alam ko halos lahat sila may asawa na. May binanggit si Elfa na 2 nalang daw sa kanila ang hindi pa nag-aasawa. Yung isa lang narinig ko. Sino pa kaya yung isa?

--------

Months ago nung may nakasakay akong dude sa bus. He looked familiar, pero hindi ko maalala then kung saan ko sya nakilala. Nagtataka pa ko kasi tingin sya ng tingin sakin. By then, I was like, "mangungutang kaya to?" Lol.

As the bus ride progressed medyo na figure out ko na rin kung sino sya. Another one from my cadet officers in hs. Tanda ko crush sya na bff dati. Batchmate ni Kuya, but I'm sure they were not close because this dude was from higher section. 

To make sure na sya yun, I sat next to him nung bumaba yung katabi nya. Confirmed. Sya nga. I remember he used to be this lanky, a little nerdy, dude in hs. Ngayon mejo muscle muscle na sya with a handsome haircut kaya di ko sya nakilala.

Yesterday, the dude added me on Facebook...

So ngayon, iniisip ko kung ano bang magandang ipangalan sa mga magiging anak namin sa future.

Charot.

--------

Minsan mas ok din na yung nagugustuhan mo e yung malalayo. Yung maliit lang yung possiblity na makita mo ulet.

Para hindi masakit kahit di mo makuha.

Hindi masakit kahit makuha pa ng iba.


11:04 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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土曜日. May 18, 2019

Doyou

3:22AM. It's now a Saturday and I just got home.

We had a good 6 hrs at the spa. Loved the full-body massage, feeling ko handa na akong kalimutan lahat ng non-negatiables ko sa lalaki, basta marunong syang magmasahe. Char.

-------

"Wala akong pakialam kay, &@$£&÷". He said this himself. Pero bakit parang iba sya when she's around? Fun, free, spontaneous. With me, he's usually rigid. Well, not that I care, okay. Naisip ko lang naman.

He still reminds me of R. Siguro parang multo talaga ang perslab. Bigla bigla nalang susulpot yung mga alaala nila sa mga taong nakikilala mo. I'm pretty sure it wasn't love. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit ba naaalala ko parin tong taong to.

Sa tingin ko may tanong lang ako na gusto kong masagot...

She's so much like me, isn't she?

Then why didn't you just pick me?

-------

Kung kailangang magbabayad ng piso kada banggit sa pangalan mo,  nakaipon na siguro ako ng lagpas isang libo. Nabilaukan ka ba or nasamid kanina? Ikaw kasi ang aming pinag-uusapan.

There are people who truly care about you. Matalino ka, alam kong alam mo. Pero hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit sinasadya mo silang pawalan ng halaga. Nanghihinayang ako for you. Feeling ko, nabigyan ka ng diamond, tas gamit ang glue gun, dinikit ko lang sa pader. Nadaanan ng mga bata, nahulog at natapaktapakan. Alam mo ang halaga ng diamond, pero hindi mo parin iningatan.

Kilala kasi kita. Alam kong hindi ka nakikinig sa katwiran. Iniisip ko kung ano bang pwede kong gawin sayo?

---------

So I'm back to the senate. Char. No, I'm back to being a club officer. One of the nominees tied with me, pero nanalo kasi sya as Presi so he's getting the higher position. Nalulungkot ako na hindi nanalo si Jay, pero hindi rin ako thrilled na officer na ko ulet. 

Pero sa ngayon, ang mga problema ko bukas e bukas ko nalang din pro problemahin.


04:02 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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金曜日. May 17, 2019

N n m n i d

In 15 mins, I'm off.

For 3 days, I managed having super low carbs diet. And just when my pants are starting to get too big, slipping off my waist, biglang may pizza sa office. Was planning to say no, kaso nasa table ko na, nakaayos pa. O sya, pizza.

May ice cream kaya sa buffet mamaya? Sa totoo lang, I'm not yet craving for anything so far. Siguro dahil ang healthy ng hinahain ng tatay ko lately. Sabi sa book na nabasa ko, cravings daw e way ng body naten of saying na it lacks certain nutrients, ganern.

Ang hirap mag-commute home lalo na't sobrang init lately. Pero kung hindi ako mag ko-commute, pano ko makakakain ng maayos.

--------

I feel so defensively protective of my time, hindi naman ako busy.

I just want to be in control on where my days go. 

Been re-reading "think and grow rich" lately. It feels different now that I know na parang hindi naman ganun ka successful ang buhay nung author, and from what I know, he didn't die rich. But I know his book helped and still helps a lot of people to get rich.

Ang weird no? Even Niccolo Machiavelli wasn't so Machiavellian daw e. Maybe it's just as what Richard Bach once said, "you teach best what you need most to learn."

------

I feel so uninterested. This is so out-of-character. 

Oh wait, not really.


07:00 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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水曜日. May 15, 2019

Sui

Skipped work today. I've been sick for 2 weeks so I've decided to see the doctor. I was prescribed 3 meds, 1 of which should be taken twice daily which means, I will need to drink 4 meds per day. I hate meds. I wonder if I should really drink all these.

-----

I heard from Ice that Edward died yesterday, leaving behind his wife and kiddos. He's my brother's highschool friend. Stage 4, liver cancer.

Back in hs, my friends and my brother's friends often spent time together since our usual tambayan was our house. That's why we were all acquainted.

This is the 3rd death among my brother's barkada. 1st was Joven, when he was 25. Next was Jeff. He was closest to us. He died at 29. When I told Mom about Edward's death, she said what I've been trying not to voice out all along, "sana naman hindi sumunod kuya mo."

My brother's generally healthy. It's just that, he eats a lot, and sleeps very little. He also allows his not-so-thin daughter (my beautiful niece) to ride on his back, sometimes on his neck even, in a very dangerous position.

I only have one sibling, you know. Sana naman last na to.

...

And all these made me realize that maybe self-love is knowing that other people's situation may be worse off, but it doesn't mean that your hurts don't matter.

--------

1 day of low-carbs diet and I have already lost 2 kilos. Yey! But then, it isn't so obvious yet since I'm still 15 kilos away from my usual weight. 

Mom was eating 2 slices of chocolate cake all by herself earlier, gifted by our neighbor. She refused to give me a bite because I'm still barking like a dog because of bronchitis. Ok narin, at least nakaiwas ako sa carbs. Iniisip ko nalang, hindi naman masarap ang chocolate cake *wipes tears*. Huhu.

Spa-buffet date with a friend on Friday. Natuwa ako dahil the description of our reservation said, "free use of Jacuzzi and steam sauna". I love Jacuzzi, I love sauna, and I'm really looking forward to their full body massage. I'm not so sure if the buffet is a good idea though.

Bakit ko nga ulet ginagawa to?


05:25 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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火曜日. May 14, 2019

Un!0v3d

It's Tuesday and I'm back to work. 

I was having a hard time last night to stop my eyes from overflowing, I'm surprised that I didn't wake up looking like Kerokeropi.

I hate drama, and it's hard to live as a human being dodging this all the time. Drama.

Being positive didn't work this time.

Being grateful neither.

I want a heart that is tougher than this.

...

Boy, I just feel so unloved right now.


12:28 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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