Nakama de yokatta
火曜日: August 9, 2022



An officemate sent me a screenshot of an email he was planning to send to our account manager containing a "suggestion" to have Robert moved to the night shift. He had been kicked out from the JP team months ago due to an escalation from a Japanese user. He's only supporting English calls now.

The officemate who sent the screenshot was absent yesterday. He might've heard about what Robert did to me from our other teammates. He said our other teammates are planning to send a similar email as well against Robert. "Lintik lang ang walang ganti", Officemate said.

This may not be the case all the time in the future—and I also absolutely do not have any plans on retaliating—but I'm glad, they're with me on this now. I'm grateful.

Though I don't feel any anger towards Robert, I, too, think that it would be nice and a whole lot more peaceful if we can get rid of him for good. Sana. Sana talaga.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 07:22 PM.

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Numb
月曜日: August 8, 2022



I've lost a cat last Saturday. Despite the ideal pet environment, he still died. I was busy taking care of my other cat who just had a surgery. By the time that I noticed that my other cat was sick, it was already too late. I thought he'd survive. He didn't. I don't know how you call this feeling. Is this guilt?

I was crying when I bought him to the clinic that day. But when I got a text message from Mom by the afternoon that my cat was already dead, there was a twisting pain in my chest. But I didn't cry. I couldn't. The twisting pain is still here, yet I'm still not crying. It's like an emotional constipation. The poop is there, and your stomach hurts, but it won't come out.

Today, I had a meeting with my TL, Account Manager, and SME regarding the my jump aux escalation. I asked them who escalated me, and they refused to answer. But it's pretty obvious because they held their meeting with Robert before mine. I've told my officemates about it, and they were very angry with Robert. When I was leaving as my shift ended earlier, nakakwentuhan pa namin yung ibang nasa night shift, and they too were opposing Robert.

I don't know why, but I dont feel angry at all. I defended myself during the meeting, but that was about it. I didn't feel angry. I didn't feel anything. Well, I did feel a little scared that my other officemates will believe him, and they will get to hate me. When my officemates displayed their support, I thought I'd feel happy, or at least relieved. I didn't feel any of these at all. I don't feel anything. Why?

I don't know. Is this grief?

Human emotions are so complicated.

I wonder when will I have my feelings back.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 07:26 PM.

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idc
土曜日: August 6, 2022



I asked TL to allow me to go on half day VL today to meet my friends. He agreed. Pero ayun, hindi rin natuloy. 

My cat is very sick. He can't even walk. Since I'm wearing facemask, I allowed myself to cry while waiting for the vet, confident that no one will notice. When the vet came to asked what happened, my voice cracked, but at least, there were no tears.

Agh, I'm tired. I'm just glad I have the money to at least provide for my cats' medical needs. I wish they will never get sick again ever, as this is really emotionally painful and exhausting.

I still came here at work. An escalation welcomed me. Masamang magbintang, pero alam kong galing to kay Robert. I'm too fed-up to think about retaliating, or to at least even defend myself. Mukhang di naman sya pinaniniwalaan ni TL, pero kahit ganun, naiirita pa rin ako. Napapagod akong makipag-away. Nakakapagod mag explain.

Sana gumaling na yung pusa ko. Sana masurvive nya to. Sana ma extend and contract ng account namin. Oh God, I'll be in so much trouble if I lose this job. I'm tired. I'm scared. Universe, please.

I like that vet. I found his presence reassuring. I stopped feeling like crying when I found that he's today's vet. I think I also like him romantically, but maybe I'm just lonely. LOL.

Jeez, I'm still feeling down despite this imagined love life.

-----------------

I just got a text from my mom. My cat, Goldie, is gone..

The rain was bad. I feel like the Heavens was crying on my behalf.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 02:57 PM.

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Kyou
水曜日: August 4, 2022



Today was quite painful. I brought my cat to the vet for a surgery, and it's the first time that the vet ever asked me to go to the operating room to discuss something over. I was already nervous because my cat was shrieking after the operation, and she was hurting herself, scratching her own face — behaviors I've never seen in my other cats who've undergone the same operation before. The vet explained what happened. My heart feels heavy. I know it could've been worse. Oh gawd. Sana maging okay lahat.

I've been worrying a lot these days. The account's contract expires every 2 years, so we do not know yet if we're gonna get renewed. It's because of this job that I can feed my cats and provide enjoyment and medical needs for them. This is also the reason why I have the money to treat my parents a whole lot more often that before. I'd be really in trouble if I lose this job, so we're crossing fingers.

Urgh. I want to be so rich, that losing job won't ever bother me anymore.

But still, thank you for this job, Universe. 



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Written by cinderellaareus at 01:04 AM.

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801
月曜日: August 1, 2022



I just learned the name of this gay dude I had a little crush on. It made me happy that he knew my name, though that was probably because my seatmates and I were always noisily calling eachother. 

From what I heard, his boyfriend was our former TL whom I hated (the one who brought us to the PDT queue). I also heard that the bf was a scammer. I don't know for sure. I just hope he's taking care of my little crushie, and he's not scamming him also. Otherwise, he should just give him to me. Haha!

Off tomorrow. I want to have a long sleep, but I need to bring my cat to vet. The following day, I have an early schedule for a diode session. I'll be on leave on Thursday,  so at least I have one full day to rest. Rest, meaning, read BL the entire day. Lol.

I think I started liking gay men when I learned that a major crush was gay. That was in 2014. The guy was quite a looker, and a total catch. He's a foreigner who can speak perfect Tagalog. I've seen him a few times on tv. We've become a little closer, I sometimes go to his condo. His boyfriend then was a young doctor, who was also very good looking.

I wonder if there's something wrong with my head. My heart always goes badump badump whenever I see gay men. I find them so cute, I want to pat their head like a cat.

Cat, by the way, is "neko" in Japanese. Neko is also a term used interchangeably with the word, "uke", which is the term for the bottom position in a gay sex. Just a little trivia. Hahaha!

Also, with 801, 8 can be read as "ya", then 0 as "o" , and 1 as "i", will give you "yaoi". 8/01---> it's yaoi day today, but I still rather call it BL para mas disente. Lol.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 01:47 PM.

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detarame
木曜日: July 28, 2022



1. Back to work, and super sleepy.

2. I'll be taking a leave next week, so that will be a long "weekend" for me.

3. I want more sleep.

4. I've realized how looks matters, and how most people are attracted with good looks, yet very few people actually do something about their own looks to make themselves attractive no? Well, that's a bit understandable. Magsuklay nga lang, nakakatamad na.

5. Kailangan ko na mag diet.

6. Wendy's Shrimp Burger is one of my favorite burgers in the world.

7. I miss having action-packed life.

8. I feel like I should start to actively go out on "friendly dates" again, kaso nakakatamad lumabas.

9. Conversing with people via chat is good, but if you want to get to know people, I guess the quicker and more efficient way is meeting them face to face.

10. Kumasa ako sa weight-loss challenge with a female officemate, tas parehas kaming mahilig magpadeliver ng food. Good luck.

11. I really want to start dating this year. Wish me luck, I guess.

12. Came accross a pinoy comics website. Pretty nice, with a number of BL too, though most are ongoing. Someday, I will post my on manga there. : )

13. I want to work on becoming the woman I wish to become. Siguro yung may shoulder length, beach wave hair, tas with bolder color, siguro blond. Tas very slim. Tas tamang feminine, pero bad ass parin. ^<

14. Jeez, I keep updating  this list.

15. What the eff can I do to be so good in drawing comics like Kashenori?



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Written by cinderellaareus at 09:57 AM.

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BF
金曜日: July 22, 2022



A bad dream woke me up at 3AM kanina. Hindi naman talaga bad yung dream. Just a little alarming. 

In the dream, Mom and a guy friend agreed to have us get married. It got me feeling conflicted as the situation was not something I can easily explain to our common friends. I was thinking of keeping our wedding a secret to our friends, but it kinda made me feel guilty, because those friends went out of their way to invite me back when they had their own weddings. I woke up feeling so worried, it took me some time to realize that all that was just a dream. Saka lang ako nakahinga ng maluwag. Nakakatawa na yun yung una kong prinoblema at the thought of getting married. 

Last night (technically, kaninang madaling araw), I was thinking that if it's with that guy friend, I think I can actually marry him even without any romantic feelings involved.

Pero nung gising na gising na ko at tirik na ang araw, it all dawned on me how the whole idea felt incestuous. Lol. Hindi ata kaya. I'm pretty sure the guy will feel the same.

Ewan kung saan nanggaling yung panaginip na yun.

-------

Time of the month. Kaya pala bad trip na bad trip ako sa buong mundo nitong mga nakaraang araw.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 10:02 PM.

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Tita
木曜日: July 19, 2022



I must've gone a little overboard today. On our clan's GC, the talk about separating Lola's land amongst her children is ongoing. There were a few misunderstandings, and I wasn't very calm when I reacted. It could've been worse if Mom wasn't there to constantly tell me to be careful with my words. Just for today, alam ko, I was at fault.

Tita was said to have ran off with my other tita's money. If I'd listen to what I truly feel about this, deep down, I really think Tita didn't do any of that. But the other stronger part of me chose to believe my other tita, who was the victim. Siguro dun nanggaling yung hostility ko kanina. Just now, I started feeling bad, but I'm too lazy to do anything about it. Maybe I should send a quick sorry to Tita, no?

Kanina pa nagpapapansin ang pamangkin ko sakin. Gusto nya kasi makipaglaro. But I was busy consulting people about our land, answering our GC and stuff. Kawawa naman yung pamangkin ko.

I'm not super close with my titas, kaya masaya ako na I have so much better relationship with my own niece. My nephew is still too young, but I hope we'll be as close. I love my neice and nephew to bits, it will really break my heart if they will see me the way I see my titas when they get older. Sana maging close parin kami when they grow up.

-----

I just sent a quick sorry to Tita. Kinda feel better now.

-----

I didn't have enough dose of BL today, that's why I'm all cranky. 



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Written by cinderellaareus at 11:06 PM.

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Talent
金曜日: July 15, 2022



I saw an old classmate's post flexing her kid's drawing at 7. I was on that level when I was 3. At that age, I can already draw a decent Son Goku of DragonBall Z.

Binabawi ba talaga ang talent pa di ginagamit? My drawings are so bad now, there are times when my neice tells me, "ah, si Tita hindi marunong", sabay tawa. Arg.

Pero ok lang. Gusto ko lang naman maging magaling mag drawing para maiguhit ko yung mga favorite BL manga or anime characters ko. Gusto ko rin gumawa ng manga. Gusto ko pa rin maging magaling mag kwento. Hindi ba pwedeng maging magaling both sa drawing at writing? Mababawi ko pa ba yung mga talent ko nung bata na wala na ngayon?

Nakakatamad mag effort. Gusto ko nalang yumaman, at maging malaya. Yung may absolute financial freedom, ganun.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 11:10 PM.

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"A dream is a wish your heart makes when you're fast asleep"

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私の名前はZです。

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