Friday, July 20, 2018

Beta

It's Friday. It's raining and I'd love to have champorado. I wonder why I ended with a frappuchino.

A day has gone. I'm moving on.

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TM meeting later. I won't be attending and I'm not happy about it. Parents will be having a lab checkup tomorrow. I can't make them wait for me until midnight since lack of sleep might cause discrepancies to their results. I'm willing to just book a hotel and sleep somewhere near Timog just to be able to attend the meeting if only I'm not too broke.

Brother's birthday tomorrow too. Not attending tonight is probably the best decision talaga. I intentionally announced my absence just to make sure I won't change my mind last minute and do something stupid like booking a hotel when I don't have the money or something. I just miss TM. I miss speaking. I miss my friends. 

I did see Gabby, Ivan and Jay yesterday. I joined them club hopping in a TM club near Cubao, just 2 stations away from work. All good. Though I got my least favorite role, I enjoyed it a lot. Something bothered me though...

I was the grammarian. In our club, we call it "language evaluator". I know this role is not really my forte so I gave them a heads up. I told them that my course in college was engineering where we were focused on Math and that during my English classes, I was just sleeping. 

After my stint, the GE said, I don't look like an engineer daw. It was the first time someone said that to me so I was taken aback. I've been in TM for 2 years. I know people there will never insult anyone right on the meeting. I was thinking maybe the GE meant it as a compliment. Hindi ko lang maisip kung paano so I had to ask, "is that a good thing?" 

I was yet to receive an answer when someone else seconded, oo nga daw, I don't look like an engineer. At that time I was so confused I can almost see question marks hovering on top of my head.

"Why?"

Clearly, they were speaking English but I felt like it was a whole different language. If you tell someone from my college friends that they don't look like an engineer, I'm pretty sure they will take it as an insult. I wonder what "you don't look like an engineer" means in their language. It didn't help that someone even asked, "were you just forced to take that course?"

I pressed on because I wanted to get an answer, "is that a good thing?" Sadly, the answer never came.

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When I looked back in what I've been through in my life, na realize ko na majority ng problema ko sa buhay, I created myself. But come to think of it, because of that, I have a lot of good stories to tell.

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I was browsing Sis Mayi's timeline when a came across Doc Didoy's (her husband) message for her last Mother's day. I was so moved a tear escaped. Take note, hindi ako iyakin.

Aside from household chores, I'm pretty much self reliant. I know I'm good on my own and I used to be scared of being binded by someone else's rules and approval out of being in a relationship.

But I think it's really nice to have someone else's back. To be the foundation behind someone's success. You see, all my life I'm mostly the Alpha in anywhere I go. I want to have someone I'd be willing to be a Beta for.


Written by cinderellaareus at 12:32 PM.

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Thursday, July 19, 2018

A rose

Ok, it hurts.


Written by cinderellaareus at 02:12 PM.

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Thursday, July 19, 2018

Fleet

"Mejo feeling ko you're distant na," he said.

Now I'm wondering ako ba yung distant or sya or maybe we just lack communication.

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Sleepy day at the cage. Must be the camomile tea.

For days I've been spending most of my waking hours playing Harvest Master, I finished 2 seasons in 2 days and now I'm halfway my 3rd. How productive.
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So my picture na. I used to imagine how my reaction would be like when this day comes...

Kung tutuusin, wala naman akong nararamdaman. Kung meron man, siguro curiosity. I think there's a tiny part of me that is convinced that he won't forget me that easily. Not that I care though.
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Watched Skyscraper movie last Monday. At the cinema, I saw Tom Cruise on a movie banner. I remember the person I watched the last Mission Impossible movie with, now happy with his beautiful wife and a kid.

Time flies so fast. People too. Why, until now I'm all memories. Nothing tangible. All fleeting. Minsan ok lang naman. Well, minsan.
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I don't know what you want. Wala ka naman talagang ino-offer. Bakit ba nandyan ka pa rin?
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Sa Harvest Master game, you have to offer the people there gifts they love so that you can create friendship points. Their heart at the panel will turn from grey to yellow to green, orange, purple, blue and pink depending in how much they like you in that order with Pink as the highest.

Pag orange na, dating levels na kayo nung character. My jowa in the game is already blue. Marrying levels na.

Iniisip ko, maybe life is just like this game. Tinatamad lang akong i-explain kung bakit.
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You should've said, "I miss you," you know. Or maybe not. I don't know. I think missing someone can only go so far and at some point, they will also start to forget you.

I don't know if I'm ok about being forgotten.
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I think I'm playing too much.


Written by cinderellaareus at 11:11 AM.

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Thursday, July 12, 2018

Food, Friends, Foul

Hello, Tabby!

I just had lunch. I usually feel better whenever I eat food I like. But right now, I'm just sad.

Earlier, I was chatting with 2 of my closest friends in college, Nini and Sha. We agreed to meet in August. It's been while since we had a bonding like this. I miss these people. I was happy.

Until LA sent me a message this morning. She's yet to tell Gabby and the rest of the officers so I really can't talk about it yet. But this is just heartbreaking. Huhu.

A few days back, I was chatting with Jay. Then last night, with Bea. I have very few friends, you know. I'm just glad that these few are good ones. Nalulungkot parin ako.

HS friends are planning to meetup too since Guadaching and fam is going to migrate in Europe daw by Sept.

Since I was young, there were days when I feel like I don't have friends only to look on my sides and they were there walking with me. Kung meron akong bagay na ipinagpapasalamat sa langit bukod sa family ko, siguro ito yun. Friends.

Iniisip ko lang, every single one of these people ay babae. What happened to my male friends???

Naisip ko si * at si **. Dapat talaga, kung hindi ka sigurado na kaya mong pangatawanan hanggang dulo, wag kang tatalo ng kaibigan.

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Napansin ko lang naman. Yung mga tinatag mo kasi sa mga post tungkol sa paborito nateng libro, lahat taga SJDM, Bulacan. At yung isa, kapangalan ko pa.

Well, napansin ko lang naman.

I read you convo and I'm pretty sure that if FB existed back in the day, we would've sounded way happier than that.
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Nalulungkot na naman ako. Si LA kasi. Huhu. T_T
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Bea sent me a screenshot of a post from some guy we know. Mejo friends naman kami dun sa guy. We just felt like the post was kinda off.

It was a photo of an underwear na nakasampay sa hanger. The caption says something like, the guy hadn't been home for 3 yrs kaya 3 yrs na ring nakasampay yung undies ng ex nya sa banyo ng bahay nya.

I kinda know fragments of the guy's stories about his exes and they weren't good. Maybe he had the right to feel bitter, but still.

I don't know. I think private matters are called "private" because they ought to remain that way. I used to see this guy as someone "not so bad", pero bumaba talaga yung tingin ko sa kanya after this. Bukod don, parang nagka trust issue pa ko.

Moral lesson: kung hindi mo bahay, wag ka mag-iiwan ng panty.

Ang judgemental ko rin kasi feeling ko lahat ng lalaking nag react ng like, heart or haha sa post na to ay jerk. It was like saying, "Woohoo! Congratulations! You got laid!" Ewan.

As a woman, I genuinely like men. But it's more than because of what they have in between their legs. I'm utterly disgusted with men na ang pagkalalaki ay nakadikit lang sa kanilang "pag-aari".

I checked the people who reacted. Good thing, wala dun si crush. Made me proud of my taste in men. Lol. Happy na ko.


Written by cinderellaareus at 12:12 PM.

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Sunday, July 1, 2018

Not

Woke up and it's almost noon. My arms still hurt from hours of sorting files and what not. How are you? I woke up not feeling ok.

My heart is acting up. The literal thing. Feels like my left chest is being pierced with a fine long needle. The pain is bearable but it's been going for 3 days now. Do I have to see a doctor?

I don't feel emotionally ok too. I wonder if it's my literal heart's fault. 

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"Ba't di kayo nagpapansinan?"

... and I thought I was the only one who noticed.

This happened before only with different person. I wonder if things will work a whole lot better if we will remove all romantic thoughts and just be friends. 

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Bea was moving her car then and we ended up having a convo about our favorite topic-- men.

I told her about this dude I like from another club and she was like, "mahilig ka talaga sa effeminate no?" I immediately asked her if the dude is gay. Hindi naman daw. 

I also told Bea about someone I recently like in our club and she was like, "crush mo si *@&#^#^#&@^ ??!!!" - repeat 10x. Lol. I swear I love this girl and all, but she always make me question my taste in men. 

Iniisip ko tuloy na if within Toastmasters ako maghahanap, mukhang malabo labo ang magiging future ko ng love life ko. But I'm still hopeful. There's a lot of great men within TM, I think I just have to figure out an effective way to get them. *wink wink*

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Then here goes the heart problem again. Gtg. : (


Written by cinderellaareus at 08:21 PM.

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Friday, June 29, 2018

Daijobu

It was still dark when I got out of the house this morning. A fur ball of brown and white got past me as I walk. I greeted him, "Hello, pogi!" So he wagged his tail and jumped up and down playfully circling around me. I learned from Mom that the dog who often accompanies Dad every time he picks me up at the bus stop is actually our puppies' Dad. Funny, I'm pretty sure they never met, but it seems like this doggo knows the family of his offsprings. It took so much of me not to give him a tight hug lest I'd get to work smelling like him. But he was so adorable, he made my morning.

Everything will be okay.

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When you have to reassure yourself that you're okay, then maybe you're not.

It's Friday. Gabby booked a hotel room for them to stay tonight because the event tomorrow will be very early. I'd sleepover with them. Weird that when I told my parents about it, I didn't receive any interrogations.

Tomorrow's gonna be a long day. I'm kinda feeling anxious. See, I don't mind having strangers around as long as I don't have to talk to them, but tomorrow, there's no way I won't.

And whenever I'm nervous, my stomach would act up also. Anxiety and stomach upset; what a terrible combination.

Two years ago, I never really had that much problem with publicspeaking, but I joined the club. Mostly because I wanted to cure my people issues. I did change, but it doesn't mean I no longer get panicky whenever I have to talk to people I do not know. Maybe you don't really cure fear, you just learn to keep going despite having it.

Para sa lovelife ko, go!

Ok. Charot lang.

Sighs.

Everything will be okay.


Written by cinderellaareus at 11:57 AM.

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Thursday, June 28, 2018

SK and miss

"a man plows his truck
through the crowd
celebrating on the Nice boardwalk
where my once-love once insisted
we could make it all the way through
a triple-layer chocolate mousse
until we were both so full
we could not even bear to lick our spoons
I text a friend
where are you
which is code for
please tell me these new deaths
are not yours this time
if I scroll up I will see the same text she sent me in January
when I was in lockdown in Jakarta
as the man in the starbucks across town
pulled the pin from his grenade
not yours
this time
is a song that plays so often
I cannot help but know the words
are you ok is the hook
are you ok is code for
we are not ok
but please remind me you are breathing
back home
the Black men and women I love
look into mirrors and wonder
if they are loose teeth
in the mouth of an impatient god
are you ok
I text
impotent
please remind me you are breathing
I am scared
is not a good enough reason to not get out of bed
The world is falling apart
is not a good enough one either
I ask my mother if growing older means
one wound piled upon another
until we are just a collection of hurt
and she insists no—
sometimes somebody gets married
or has a baby

someone teach me a new song please
bring me a spoon
and a mouth to lean across the table for
this time
this time
I am a jaw of loose teeth
I am a collection of string
I am a snow-globe of worry
I am a rolodex of fear
they are putting bodybags over children on the sidewalk
where I once pushed a bowl away
laughing
I cannot possibly have anymore
I am already full"

-SK

I've seen brilliant speakers whose speeches, once read, don't sound as good as the one delivered. But boy, this girl, whether live or in transcript,  puteeek, ang galing parin.

Naka experience na kaya ng war si sarah kay? Pag naging survivor ba ako ng giyera, gagaling ba ko ng ganito?

------------

Ayoko naman maging gaya ni sarah kay, or kahit ni heneral. Sa tingin ko, lahat ng artist in every person ay may kanya kanyang style that is his/her own. Pero siguro, gaya nila sarah kay at ni heneral, gusto ko rin na magkaroon ng kapangyarihang mangbulabog ng isip ng iba ang mga obra ko.

I miss my first love. I miss literature.


Written by cinderellaareus at 10:27 PM.

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Tuesday, June 26, 2018

Stuff and stuff and stuff

951pm. For the past 2 nights, I've been lacking sleep. It's langgam season once again, and every effing night, I have to ward them off.

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After so much deliberation, I've decided na sa bahay na ko uuwi sa Friday at luluwas nalang ng maaga for the COT as I was tasked to do the registration. Then, when asked, "sleepover ka samen, Zah?" My fingers typed, "sigi". Grabe, wala talaga akong paninindigan. 

Two years na kaming magkakilala. Mukhang sanay naman na sila sa kaartehan ko. Still, I don't want to cause them any trouble. Ang hirap lang rin kasi talaga kung manggagaling pa kong Bulacan, and wala rin naman talaga akong pang hotel on my own at the moment. I'm not really thrilled about sleeping in a bed other than my room's.  Still, I will do my best not to hassle anyone.

The weekend's going to be long. Div A party by the evening after COT. Formal event. I intend dress down a bit. Gusto ko nga sana mag rubber shoes. Will be doing the registration also. My kerengkeng side would be excited about this since this could be a venue to meet new people, but right now, I just feel too lazy.

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Was chatting with someone fr another club earlier. The dude was asking what will be my position in our club for the next term. I told him, none.

Friday last week, I joined Jer's execom for the new set of officers. Gabby and Ivan even booked a hotel for this. I'm no longer an officer, but it's yet to feel like so. Ok lang, masaya naman.

Bea brought her tarot cards and gave us a reading. Mine was quite on point. 1st card meant deception daw. Bea said that the other person's sincere and that the deception's on me. Gusto ko lang daw yung other person because we share common values and for his character also. She said I'm staying for the wrong reasons.

Second card shows a picture of a woman paddling away on her boat. Bea said the cards suggest for me to let go. Leave. So that I can get to the third card which is about finding love. I will only find love daw if I leave. There was a 4th card pa pero tinatamad na ko mag explain. It has something to do with keeping my path clear.

Idk. Totoo kayang I will only find love if I will walk away? The rebel in me wants to cling on all the more. Lol. I wonder if these will even matter.

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Last weekend, I watched Spider-Man: the homecoming and Thor Ragnarok. I realized Tom Holland(Spidey) is rather adorable pala and Tom Hiddleson(Loki) could fit to be the god of hotness instead of mischief. Tas kanina, I was watching Capt America: Winter Soldier. Chris Evans is Chris Evans. Masyadong gwapo napapa buntong hininga ako pag ngumingiti tong taong to. Jeez, may panget ba sa Marvel?

Ang saya siguro kung makakapag asawa ako ng lalaking papasang maging Marvel superhero. Para mangyari yon, kailangan ko bang maging kamukha ni Elizabeth Olsen?

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Teka, inaantok na ko.


Written by cinderellaareus at 10:48 PM.

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Wednesday, June 20, 2018

Dreams and metaphors

Sabi ko kagabi, maaga akong matutulog tonight. 930 na, hindi pa ko nakakapag-ayos. Tamad na tamad ako lately.

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Do you remember when was the last time your heartbeat raced inside your chest ? I just had that this morning. I know my patterns. I know what excites me so much, my heart somersaults. I don't know why I'm not doing anything about it.

Kaya ko gustong magkaron ng maraming pera e para magawa ko na ang mga gusto kong gawin. Ang weird na pinipigilan ko ang sarili kong gawin ang mga gusto kong gawin dahil sa wala pa kong maraming pera. Kailangan ko ba talaga ng pera para magawa ang mga gusto ko?

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So, I see that you're meeting a lot more women recently. A part of me wonders if you now realized that you can't find anyone else like me. They could be greater than me in an aspect or so, but I know what you're looking for and I have all that. I know I'm still the only one perfect for you.

Naks, spell confidence. Lol.

Most of what I'm looking for, you have too. Still, I don't want to do anything about it right now. I don't want to put shackles on someone I'm not even sure I could keep.

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Seems like you forgot. 

Be careful with your metaphors, Z.

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Nakakakaba pag sinabing "keynote speaker". Kailangan ko yata ng mas matibay na puso.


Written by cinderellaareus at 10:14 PM.

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