Baby
Thursday: September 21, 2017



Hey. It's 7:37pm. My feet are on the pedal of our stationary bike and I'm halfway my daily 30 mins workout. Should be a hip hop abs day today but there's our little tyrant guarding the tv. This will do.

Yesterday, i just got back to work after a self-decided long weekend. Partner was sick and is still sick so since then I've been solo at work. That will continue until tomorrow. No compaints though.

I watched Baby Driver earlier. For almost everyday since Monday last week, I've been watching at least 1 movie daily. I usually choose reading books since it makes me feel more productive, but i realized there's not much difference because the real difference lies in actually doing something, ikr.

But so far, I'm loving my daily dose of movies. Marami ka rin palang matututunan. Parang nagbabasa rin ng libro. Baby Driver was good. I'd give it a 3.5 stars. A few days ago, Mr. Peabody and Sherman. It was a 4.5. Last week I watched parts 1 and 2 of Now you see me and I'm giving it a 3 and a 4 respectively. As per LA gurl's recommendation, I also watched Inception and I'd love to give it a 5 if it wasn't for the minor inconsistencies in details. 4.7.

In case you're wondering what are my 5's here are a few:

-Passengers

-Real Steel

-Breaking Dawn ( i haven't watch the other twilight movies other than this nor read the books, yet I found this one as a winner.)

-Ratatouille

-Warm Bodies

-Big Hero 6

* Lucy comes close to 5 too but I found the need to include that one dude there just to give Lucy a love interest quite forced. Still superb though.

They say you will be same person in 5 years as you are today except for the books that you read and people that you meet. I think movies that you watched should be included.

Baby. Can you imagine meeting a boy with a name Baby? B-A-B-Y Baby? Ang cutie pie pa nung batang yun. Yiiiii! Haha!

If I'll have a boy, I will name him Baby. I hope he will forgive me. Haha.

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What is your favorite movie? Please comment below. I'm having a hard time choosing what to watch next. : )



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Written by cinderellaareus at 07:56 PM.

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Boundaries and things
Monday: September 18, 2017



It was past bedtime and everyone was upstairs. I was looking down amused, seeing a number of cockroaches scattered on our kitchen floor. The one nearest my feet hurriedly moved away from me. I stopped walking and wondered if this cockroach had an idea that i didn't have the slightest intention to kill it. I was just walking.

-------

Third day of my super long weekend. It was raining earlier and i loved it. Mom cooked champorado for breakfast and adobong pusit for lunch. Two of my favorites. And yesterday, we had ice cream. Tomorrow, Tuesday, movies on cinemas around our area will be free for senior citizens. I will be joining Mom and Dad to watch a movie. I am happy.

-------

Someone once told me, "wag mong pilitin ang sarili mo. Siguro may panahon para sa mga bagay bagay." It's been more than a decade and I've kept these words with me. The entire week last week, I put it into practice. I ate what I wanted in the amount that i wanted. I didn't force myself to be "productive". I, in fact, just watched movies daily. I was supposed to takeover a speaking slot for our meeting last Friday and for this I allotted barely half an hour of preparation. Kasi nga, walang pilitan ng sarili. Good thing, we ended up cutting off 1 slot. I still made myself do at least 30 minutes exercise daily but only the type that I can sustain.

I usually beat myself up, you know. I've always strived to keep up to my own standards. Now, for once, I want to try that 'walang pilitan ng sarili' thingy and practice self-love. I want to see how this will work for me.

I've been trying stay away from people and activities that demand a lot from me lately. They will have to wait. I am more important than my tasks. I am more important than my responsibilities. If anyone or anything will force their way, they will have to go.

My journey in learning how to set boundaries had been long and excruciating. I just realized though that the boundaries I've set is not protective enough for my interest and wellbeing.

Now I'm set to build an even better one and I'm prepared to lose a few people for this.

I have high respect for the lives of cockroaches. Maybe I have to have an even higher one for my own.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 06:19 PM.

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Heartless and Blue
Saturday: September 9, 2017



Ang sama ko sayo. Hindi ko naman talaga sadya. 

Years ago nung nagyaya ka, akala ko next na sasabihin mo, "open-minded ka ba?"

Tas nung sabi mong sabihan kita if magsisimba ko near sa work mo dahil ililibre mo ko, kala ko naman nang nenetwork ka.

Tapos ngayon, magyaya ka pala sa MIBF, kala ko hihiram ka lang ng books.

Ang labo kasi ng intro mo lagi. Hindi pwede sa slow at dense. Lol.

Pero E for effort ka rin e no. Never say die pa ang drama. Ganyan ka lang ba talaga? 

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"Often it's the deepest pain which empowers you to grow into your highest self."

It's been a while since I last answered a table topic.  The question can't be anymore timely. 

I joined Area Director T-Jay today in holding a meeting for some dying club he wishes to revive, the Blue TMC. Tinatamad talaga ko at mas gusto ko sana matulog nalang pero nakakaawa rin kasi Si T-Jay at nakakaawa rin yung Blue. Things went fine naman.  Nakakasad lang na wala manlang actual member nung club na nakadalo. 

I was the topics evaluator. I wasn't suppose to answer a table topic pero sinigurado kasi nung topicsmaster na lahat magsasalita. OK lang rin. Na enjoy ko naman. The topic made me remember some of the darkest days of my life. Kinwento ko sa kanila how I discovered a church inside a mall and on how I gatecrashed what seemed to be a religious meeting for couples eventhough I was alone (and single) all because I was feeling rebellious. Nakakatawa. 

But at the same time,  I realize how my days now closely resemble those days.... 

The week had been bad. On the external,  I looked fine.  Nice even. In a way,  I guess it was. Afterall, I received a few blessings and the days were generally peaceful. It's just that I can't shake this gloomy feeling inside. Eto na naman yung dark days. paano ko ba maalis hung sarili no dito. 

I'm scared. I remember when I was younger, I used to have a whole lifetime ahead of me.  I remember facing a bright future for myself with alluring options all lined up. Tapos ngayon,  putek, wala ng option.  it's like I'm already against the wall and yet life is still pushing me further back. 

I used to believe that having too many options is not healthy for people and I still do. I remember it was I who kicked mine out one by one until I was left with barely anything. Pero kasi, pag ikaw yung walang option at nagsa-suffer ng consequences, ang hirap paniwalaan na healthy yun para sayo. 

Pagkasulat ko ng entry na to, maybe matutulog na ko. Sana pagkagising ko, ayusin nalang ng Langit any lahat ng mga pinoproblema ko para sakin. 

------------

I took out my last ace. You didn't take the bait. 

Sabi nila, pag may masakit daw ibig sabihin may mali.

Wala namang masakit.

Siguro, finally...

wala na saken ang mali. 



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Written by cinderellaareus at 10:45 PM.

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Good Morning, Tabby!
Sunday: September 3, 2017



7:41am. I just woke up and I can smell our breakfast so I will try to make this quick.

Division contest yesterday. Gabby won, crush came second. Mejo na surprised lang ako sa result because there was this other candidate that got me mesmerized yet he wasn't able to place any. Not complaining though.

Ang galing ni Gabby. I don't have the slightest doubt that our club will be having our first district champion on midcon. I've watched him since day 1 and he seemed to have gotten even better. I wonder if I will ever get to that level. I wonder how can I get to that level. I also want to be a district champion myself and then after that, world champion.

Jer and I were talking about this while on the way to ADB. He also dreams to become a world champion. He told me he accepts that he can't be the world champion just now. That he needs to grow his skill set first and he's expecting to get it maybe in 5 years. I told him, the Universe bends in our expectations (because I want, and believe I can get it, now). I wonder if I'm just being delusional. 

-----

A girl-friend took me by the arm and brought me out of everyone's earshot to ask:

"Si *insert the boy's name here*... may pag-asa ba sya? I saw you, guys, and you look cute together."

Shoot, how do you answer questions like this? 

-----

Went home with Gabby after our lunch celebration. It felt weird because I think this was the first time that we went home together na maliwanag pa. Pero ok lang. Gala means gastos and I would do some budget tightening right now.

Sabi sa nabasa ko, those who always live below their means lack imagination. Sighs...

While on the way home, the topic about me being the next pres was brought up. I told Gabby my reasons on how I cannot be the next President, all of which were money related.

I love my club, you know that. If only I have something to give I more than gladly would. I realized though, that maybe, instead of finding reasons why I can't, maybe I should start finding ways on how I can. I said it myself: the Universe bends on our expectations. I want to use this as an inspiration to work on my goals for 2018. Oh Lord, help me.

Sabi nga ni Gabby, dapat positive!

-------

We were in the car, Bea, Jay, LA and I. It was the first time that Jay joined us on a girl talk like this. I've heard many of her stories before, but this was the first time that she talked of the other loves she had. See, I love Jay like a sister and I've always looked up on her character and her brilliance. But that afternoon, in Bea's car, she gained my respect.

In love stories, we have that assurance that things will be ok in the end. Pero sa real life pala, hindi laging ganon.

Bea, Jay and LA: these girls are wonderful people. I wish them love. I wish them happiness. And if it will make their lives better, I wish they will find someone who will truly care for them.

-------

I looked at them, I found peace. Maybe maturity is when you wish someone happiness even if it's with someone else. Or maybe it's love. I'm not so sure.

-------

When asked what he likes about me, he said "simply beautiful".

When asked, "maganda ba si zah?" he nodded.

Bea told him, "kung gusto mo sya, dapat sabihin mo sa kanya."

...

I've been trying to calm the boy down and these people aren't really helping.

Pero ok lang. Masaya naman. I will just find a way to smooth things out pag totoong may problema na. He's someone I don't want to hurt... But then, maybe I don't have to...

Wait.... what?!



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Written by cinderellaareus at 08:27 AM.

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asdfghjk
Friday: September 1, 2017



z,

pag sinabi mong "tara", ibig sabihin, sasama ka.

pag sinabi mong "see you", ibig sabihin, darating ka.

hindi ko naman talagang intensyon magsinungaling. ayoko lang talaga nang nag eexplain. sighs. konti nalang bi-bingo na ko sa taong to.

------

start of the month and a few heartbreaks already.

pero keri lang.

Friday holiday at work. not really complaining. im skipping a tm night for its gonna be a long day. im really dead sleepy and my stomach feels funny so mejo wrong timing, besh.

i would've looked forward to the weekend for a much longed for sleeeeeeeep, but tomorrow's division contest and i already said im coming. i think id rather stay home but i also want to support gabby. besides, nandun si crush. i want to see how he will fare against gabby.

------

membership renewals time. im trying not to panic on how i can make the ends meet.

one of our members sent me a message yesterday telling how this other club in katipunan is so much more accessible to him. he didnt actually said he's leaving the club to transfer so i asked. he just told me, nahihirapan daw sya. so how can i respond to that?

hindi ako clingy na tao. im actually a bit detached. pero kahit ganun, i dont like it when people leave... well, except if im the one leaving.

when i was younger, i used to ask: ano bang mas masakit, yung aalis or yung iiwan? ive long found an answer to that.

------

10 mins. got to end this.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 03:51 PM.

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Silence and Home
Monday: August 28, 2017



Was trying to do meditation. Hindi naman talaga ako marunong. What i did was turn off the light, set the alarm to 30 mins and try not to think of anything. Mahirap palang hindi mag-isip pero kahit pano, at least for 30 minutes, nag slow down ang pag iisip ko.

Habang patay ang ilaw at dama ko ang hangin galing sa electric fan, naalala ko yung time na nasa manila bay (baywalk?) Kami ni jenna.

Tama ba? Baywalk nga ba ung malapit sa luneta? Tinatamad ako mag google.

Anyway, kunyari baywalk nalang sya. So, college ako non. Strict parents ko eversince. Tipong dapat, right after ng klase, uwi kagad. Pero that day, tumakas ako. Nagyaya kasi si jenna na abangan namin ang sunset sa baywalk kaya kinalimutan ko ang galit ng nanay ko at sumama ako sa mga kaklase ko.

Sulet. Ang ganda talaga ng dagat. Paborito kong klase ng dagat o ano mang katawang tubig e ung HINDI perpekto. Hindi parang beach sa boracay or el nido. Gusto ko ung ganda na may halong gulo. Gaya nung sa manila bay. Or yung port na daungan ng barko. Parang ung osaka bay na lagi naming pinupuntahan ng bisikleta kong si Mandy.

Nung araw na un, inabangan talaga namin na tuluyang bumaba ung araw hanggang matabunan na sya ng dagat. Yun yung goal. Kaso nung sobrang konti nalang ang natitira sa araw, biglang may dumaan na barko. Humarang sya mismo dun sa harap ng araw. Mega hintay kami pero OA sa bagal ung barko. Parang pusang buntis na may habit na tumawid kung kelan may sasakyang dumadaan. Tas pag alis nung barko, wala na, hindi na namin na witness ang tuluyang pagbaba ng araw.

Pero ok lang. Hindi parin ako nagsisi. Sulit ang galit ng nanay ko sakin kasi ang ganda ng dagat. Ang ganda ng araw. Ang sarap ng hangin na humampas sa mukha ko at kahit ung mga parang ipis na gumagapang sa batuhan malapit sa dagat, na appreciate ko.

Yun yung naalala ko kanina habang sinusubukan kong mag meditate at ramdam ko ang hangin sa mukha ko galing sa electric fan. Bukod sa pagmamahal ko sa dagat at hangin, narealize ko na mahal ko rin ang katahimikan.

Naisip ko rin...

Gusto ko makasama sa baywalk ung taong magiging importante saken. Gusto kong abangan namin ang sunset at sabay na ma upset pag biglang may dumaang barko. Mag kwe-kwentuhan, mag-iinisan, at pag naubusan na kami ng mapag kwekwentuhan, tatahimik. Gusto kong ma spend ang silence na gaya nito kasama ang taong mahalaga sa akin. Silence kasama ng taong tinuturing kong... Home.

Know what, self-sufficient akong tao. Sakali mang hindi ako makahanap ng mapapang asawa, sigurado ako magiging ok parin ako. Pero siguro.... Siguro lang ha... Kung matatagpuan ko yung taong gugustuhin kong makasamang damhin ang katahimikan sa baywalk....

Sa tingin ko.... Talagang aalagaan ko.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 10:06 PM.

3 comments





Saturday's pain
Saturday: August 26, 2017



Headache and red days cramps.

Thank you very much.

Would've joined gabby to club hop in camanava today but had to say no. Buti nalang din na hindi ako nakasama dahil parang hinahampas ng baseball bat yung tyan ko. Ang hirap maging babae.

There was a scheduled screening for a medical mission near our place. Patients came and customers flooded our sari-sari store. But the screening didn't happen. Nakakalungkot na porket libre ung mission e hindi na nagkaron ng decency ung organizers na iinform ang mga tao na hindi tuloy. These are sick people, for crying out loud.

This sure benefitted us, pero nakakaawa parin kasi.

---------

Bought palabok earlier. Im supposed to go back to healthy eating pero siguro sa monday nalang ulet. Nakakainis na ang sarap kumain. The family plans to eat out tomorrow. Id rather stay home kasi puteeek, ang sakit talaga ng ulo at tyan ko. Huhu. Sana sa bahay nalang kami kumain ng masarap.

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Was reading an article about a man's lament on the society's double standards and i think he's right on most points. He said common daw sa ladies ang mabigyan ng compliments pero may mga lalaki daw na nadededs nalang without receiving one in his entire lifetime.

Appreciative naman talaga akong tao and often express my appreciation through words. Generous ako in giving praises most of the time... Except sa mga lalaki. I don't know.

I remember back when i thought of R as a younger brother, i often tell him "ang gwapo mo ngayon" or "bagay sayo yan"... It was when i started seeing him as something more that i stopped doing all that.

Parang mali no? Di ba dapat kung sino ung mahalaga, sa kanila dapat mas pinaparamdam at pinapaalam na naaappreciate naten sila?

Years passed and i don't think i changed much. But then, at least now, i always make sure that i say thank you.

...

Nasabi ko na ba? Always bagay sayo ang naka coat. Always.

Kahit anong color ang polo underneath, bagay. Pero favorite ko yung grey polo at black coat combination. Pag di ka naka coat, bagay sayo ang pink.

I also like your hair brushed up. Bagay sayo. Ang gwapo mo. Fyi.

Mula ngayon, pag aaralan kong iexpress ang appreciation ko pati sa mga lalaki. Lalo na sa mga lalaking gusto ko.

Puteeeek. Iniisip ko palang para  na akong lalagnatin.

Chicken.

-------

Chatting with the boy now. R and I were like this back in the day. Nagkakagusto na ba saken tong batang to? Assuming lang. Hehehe. His bday and R's are just a few days apart. Baka kaya parehas sila ng ugali kasi parehas sila ng zodiac sign. I dont know if u believe in that. Pero tingin ko, baka wala lang. Malandi lang naman to sa group chat pero pag kami lang dalawa, hindi naman sya flirty. Instead, he talks about his dreams, his plans. Sometimes, he would also ask me to join him. But he was never flirty. Yun ung pinagkaiba nila ni R. 

-------

2017 ang deadline ko. Promise, after this year, hindi ko na babanggitin ang pangalan(initial) mo.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 08:49 PM.

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flashlight
Friday: August 25, 2017



considerably feeling better. for one, friday na. plus i also had a good sleep and so far, hadnt eaten anything crappy.

to perform your best, kailangan ata talaga na nasa best shape ka.

my problems didn't fix itself when i woke up this morning. they're still there, but at least now, i can stare at them dead in the eye without panicking. Or, okay, i did panic, but only a bit.

i just spent a few pesos for market testing. the results arent looking good. i dont have any other bullets left and after this i dont know what to do next.

hahahahahaha.

or maybe i should say,

huhuhuhuhuhu.

i dont know. i thought maybe i should slow down. like the years of having not much result weren't that slow already. i want to fix my state first. at least for a couple of weeks of so. naisip ko yung "law of pure potentiality" and i want to see what it can do for me.

"begin with the end in mind," they say. Pero di ba, sa buhay, parang kang naka flashlight na naglalakad sa dilim. makikita mo ba agad yung end ng road? hindi naman di ba? makikita mo lang kung ano yung abot ng ilaw ng flashlight mo. pero kahit ganun natatapos mo naman ang paglalakbay mo kahit sa pakonti konting ilaw lang. kahit hindi mo pa nakikita kung anong nasa other end.

kaya siguro ok lang kahit hindi pa naten alam lahat. kahit hindi pa naten alam kung ano ba yung nasa kabilang side of kung ano bang kahihinatnan ng lahat. baka minsan kailangan lang talaga naten na magpatuloy sa kahit anong konting liwanag meron tayo. parang flashlight.

sighs...

...

im feeling considerably better.

pero nalulungkot at nag-aalala parin ako.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 03:16 PM.

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Darkness and gloom
Thursday: August 24, 2017



Things went from bad to pretty fucked up. And i can't think of anyone else who knows the worst time to give a bad joke than my dad. It didn't help that my niece was also having tantrums then.

I didn't particularly snap, i just answered sarcastically, which would've ended fine if only i said it lightheartedly, but i didn't. Dad went silent. I noticed his occasional 'singhap' and he even wiped his eyes for about a couple of times. I hope he wasn't crying. He's not the type who would. This doesn't prevent me from feeling awful though.

Pag may masakit daw, ibig sabihin may mali. Mukhang ako na naman yata ang mali. Alam ko namang may problema at alam kong hindi ko pwedeng forever na isisi to sa PMS. Can i just die? Ugh! Damn this.

---------

Probably just one of those days. The really dark ones. Experience told me that dark days do pass. I know these too will. Hopefully soon... before i create so much more damage.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 08:44 PM.

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