Entries in category "Thursday"


Thursday, August 16, 2018

Midori

Eow powzzz. Mzta powzzz.

Hayst. Ang sakit ng ulo ko sa kakatagalog. Na overuse ko na yung google translate, at paminsan minsan kahit si google sumusuko na saken.

Nabasa kong may eligibility eklabu pala yung contest. Kailangan ko na matapos bago mag 20th. Juicecolored.

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Nahihirapan akong matulog these past few days. Kagabi, nilabas ko sa kwarto ang mga alaga ko dahil sabi sa nabasa ko, may effect daw sa tulog ang plants kaya hindi advisable sa kwarto. Hindi naman effective.

Sa konting tulog na meron ako, I had a very green dream. Like literally green. Kakapanood ko yata ng video tungkol sa halaman. Excited na kong magkapera para makabili na ko ng cacti, malas or not. Parang ang ganda rin ng black prince at iba pang echeveria. Siguro kaya nahihirapan akong matulog dahil iniisip ko kung saang panig ng bahay ko sila ilalagay para maarawan ng maayos. Gusto kong magtayo ng garden at magbenta ng halaman.

Sana mamulaklak na ang mga cactus at jade ko. Yung mga unang kong anak na halaman, promise kong hinding hindi ko ibebenta.

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Was reading Jennica Uytingco's IG last night. I don't know why her posts never fail to send me to a crying fit. Hindi naman ako iyakin. Weird pa dahil kahit yung mga posts na n times ko nang nabasa, nakakaiyak pa rin.

Maybe I'm just getting old.

May succulents din pala si Jennica. Lithops ata yung isa. Yung iba hindi ko alam ang tawag. Mga mamahaling uri. Pangarap ko rin magkaron ng lithops.

Sabi sa bible, come with me all of you who are weary and I will give you rest. I think my heart is just tired.


Written by cinderellaareus at 11:52 AM.

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Thursday, July 26, 2018

Wut

I backread entries from 3 years back and boy, I sounded exactly the same.

Is staying the same good?

I don't know. How can I expect to change my situation if I will remain unchanged?

...

Maybe I need to rest for a while.


Written by cinderellaareus at 11:01 AM.

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Thursday, July 19, 2018

A rose

Ok, it hurts.


Written by cinderellaareus at 02:12 PM.

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Thursday, July 19, 2018

Fleet

"Mejo feeling ko you're distant na," he said.

Now I'm wondering ako ba yung distant or sya or maybe we just lack communication.

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Sleepy day at the cage. Must be the camomile tea.

For days I've been spending most of my waking hours playing Harvest Master, I finished 2 seasons in 2 days and now I'm halfway my 3rd. How productive.
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So my picture na. I used to imagine how my reaction would be like when this day comes...

Kung tutuusin, wala naman akong nararamdaman. Kung meron man, siguro curiosity. I think there's a tiny part of me that is convinced that he won't forget me that easily. Not that I care though.
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Watched Skyscraper movie last Monday. At the cinema, I saw Tom Cruise on a movie banner. I remember the person I watched the last Mission Impossible movie with, now happy with his beautiful wife and a kid.

Time flies so fast. People too. Why, until now I'm all memories. Nothing tangible. All fleeting. Minsan ok lang naman. Well, minsan.
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I don't know what you want. Wala ka naman talagang ino-offer. Bakit ba nandyan ka pa rin?
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Sa Harvest Master game, you have to offer the people there gifts they love so that you can create friendship points. Their heart at the panel will turn from grey to yellow to green, orange, purple, blue and pink depending in how much they like you in that order with Pink as the highest.

Pag orange na, dating levels na kayo nung character. My jowa in the game is already blue. Marrying levels na.

Iniisip ko, maybe life is just like this game. Tinatamad lang akong i-explain kung bakit.
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You should've said, "I miss you," you know. Or maybe not. I don't know. I think missing someone can only go so far and at some point, they will also start to forget you.

I don't know if I'm ok about being forgotten.
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I think I'm playing too much.


Written by cinderellaareus at 11:11 AM.

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Thursday, July 12, 2018

Food, Friends, Foul

Hello, Tabby!

I just had lunch. I usually feel better whenever I eat food I like. But right now, I'm just sad.

Earlier, I was chatting with 2 of my closest friends in college, Nini and Sha. We agreed to meet in August. It's been while since we had a bonding like this. I miss these people. I was happy.

Until LA sent me a message this morning. She's yet to tell Gabby and the rest of the officers so I really can't talk about it yet. But this is just heartbreaking. Huhu.

A few days back, I was chatting with Jay. Then last night, with Bea. I have very few friends, you know. I'm just glad that these few are good ones. Nalulungkot parin ako.

HS friends are planning to meetup too since Guadaching and fam is going to migrate in Europe daw by Sept.

Since I was young, there were days when I feel like I don't have friends only to look on my sides and they were there walking with me. Kung meron akong bagay na ipinagpapasalamat sa langit bukod sa family ko, siguro ito yun. Friends.

Iniisip ko lang, every single one of these people ay babae. What happened to my male friends???

Naisip ko si * at si **. Dapat talaga, kung hindi ka sigurado na kaya mong pangatawanan hanggang dulo, wag kang tatalo ng kaibigan.

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Napansin ko lang naman. Yung mga tinatag mo kasi sa mga post tungkol sa paborito nateng libro, lahat taga SJDM, Bulacan. At yung isa, kapangalan ko pa.

Well, napansin ko lang naman.

I read you convo and I'm pretty sure that if FB existed back in the day, we would've sounded way happier than that.
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Nalulungkot na naman ako. Si LA kasi. Huhu. T_T
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Bea sent me a screenshot of a post from some guy we know. Mejo friends naman kami dun sa guy. We just felt like the post was kinda off.

It was a photo of an underwear na nakasampay sa hanger. The caption says something like, the guy hadn't been home for 3 yrs kaya 3 yrs na ring nakasampay yung undies ng ex nya sa banyo ng bahay nya.

I kinda know fragments of the guy's stories about his exes and they weren't good. Maybe he had the right to feel bitter, but still.

I don't know. I think private matters are called "private" because they ought to remain that way. I used to see this guy as someone "not so bad", pero bumaba talaga yung tingin ko sa kanya after this. Bukod don, parang nagka trust issue pa ko.

Moral lesson: kung hindi mo bahay, wag ka mag-iiwan ng panty.

Ang judgemental ko rin kasi feeling ko lahat ng lalaking nag react ng like, heart or haha sa post na to ay jerk. It was like saying, "Woohoo! Congratulations! You got laid!" Ewan.

As a woman, I genuinely like men. But it's more than because of what they have in between their legs. I'm utterly disgusted with men na ang pagkalalaki ay nakadikit lang sa kanilang "pag-aari".

I checked the people who reacted. Good thing, wala dun si crush. Made me proud of my taste in men. Lol. Happy na ko.


Written by cinderellaareus at 12:12 PM.

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Thursday, June 28, 2018

SK and miss

"a man plows his truck
through the crowd
celebrating on the Nice boardwalk
where my once-love once insisted
we could make it all the way through
a triple-layer chocolate mousse
until we were both so full
we could not even bear to lick our spoons
I text a friend
where are you
which is code for
please tell me these new deaths
are not yours this time
if I scroll up I will see the same text she sent me in January
when I was in lockdown in Jakarta
as the man in the starbucks across town
pulled the pin from his grenade
not yours
this time
is a song that plays so often
I cannot help but know the words
are you ok is the hook
are you ok is code for
we are not ok
but please remind me you are breathing
back home
the Black men and women I love
look into mirrors and wonder
if they are loose teeth
in the mouth of an impatient god
are you ok
I text
impotent
please remind me you are breathing
I am scared
is not a good enough reason to not get out of bed
The world is falling apart
is not a good enough one either
I ask my mother if growing older means
one wound piled upon another
until we are just a collection of hurt
and she insists no—
sometimes somebody gets married
or has a baby

someone teach me a new song please
bring me a spoon
and a mouth to lean across the table for
this time
this time
I am a jaw of loose teeth
I am a collection of string
I am a snow-globe of worry
I am a rolodex of fear
they are putting bodybags over children on the sidewalk
where I once pushed a bowl away
laughing
I cannot possibly have anymore
I am already full"

-SK

I've seen brilliant speakers whose speeches, once read, don't sound as good as the one delivered. But boy, this girl, whether live or in transcript,  puteeek, ang galing parin.

Naka experience na kaya ng war si sarah kay? Pag naging survivor ba ako ng giyera, gagaling ba ko ng ganito?

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Ayoko naman maging gaya ni sarah kay, or kahit ni heneral. Sa tingin ko, lahat ng artist in every person ay may kanya kanyang style that is his/her own. Pero siguro, gaya nila sarah kay at ni heneral, gusto ko rin na magkaroon ng kapangyarihang mangbulabog ng isip ng iba ang mga obra ko.

I miss my first love. I miss literature.


Written by cinderellaareus at 10:27 PM.

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Thursday, April 26, 2018

take it slow, take it slow

umuulan ulit kahapon.

sabi nila, pag nag-alay ka daw ng mga hurt mo sa langit, makakapagligtas ka daw ng mga kaluluwa sa purgatoryo.

sa dami ng hurt na inalay ko, iniisip ko kung may natitira pa bang kaluluwa sa purgatoryo. lol/

..

naniniwala talaga ko na pag masakit, ibig sabihin may mali.

siguro if lagi kang nasasaktan dahil sa isang tao, then maybe dahil yun sa hindi sya yung tamang tao?

well, hindi ko rin naman talaga alam.

pero mejo ok na ko today.

last night, i was rummaging with my stuff. i took all the cans where i place my money intended for different things. i need to pay gabby 4500 for the discounted discon2019 tickets. i emptied all 3 cans and counted. i was still 1000 pesos short.

for some reason, it made me smile. kasi it felt like rock bottom na and i remember how the Universe hates vacuum. i think, it finally noticed me.

something tells me that this is going to be the last time that ill ever have problems with money.

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1 year to go and mukhang pupunta nga ko sa Cebu with the people from the club. after knowing na andaming pupunta, hindi na ko excited. antisocial as ever. bukod don, pinoproblema ko rin yung kung ano anong kinakain nila. sana hindi sila masyadong ma hassle sa kaartehan ko T_T.

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started a keto-ish diet since monday. i think ive lost about 2 kilos in 4days. that's slow considering that i can lose about a kilo per day with atkins back in the day. but im liking keto better kasi hindi umaatake ang GERD ko and day 2 palang, i think i totally lost my appetite na. ewan ko lang kung sa keto ba to or dahil sa heartbreak. lol.

4 na pirasong meatballs lang ang baon ko for lunch. yung 2 pcs, isang oras kong pilit kinain. yung other 2, mukhang makakauwi pa sa bahay namin.

tsaka parang nakakaganda ng skin... or guni guni ko lang ba?

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a happy turn of event. a customer sent me a message and ordered 3k+ worth of products that im going to deliver tonight. yehey! may pamasahe na ko!!! Thank you, Lord! T_T

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ang aga ni kuya sa simbahan kanina. kahit maaga akong pumunta, paalis na sya. and he was looking at me!!! hahaha. well, mahirap nga namang hindi magkatinginan kung laging kayo lang dalawa ang ang pumupunta sa simbahan. lol.

maybe it wouldn't hurt if i give away a shy smile or something. lel.

...

pero ang ibon daw, madaling hulihin pag nakatali pero mas madaling hulihin pag may sugat... kaya siguro, hinay hinay muna sa landi. hehe.

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will do some food tasting tomorrow para sa 7th anniv ng club on May. the sight of food makes me want to puke. hindi rin pala masaya pag wala kang appetite.

shucks, wish me luck.

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2 more months. 3 more regular meetings and i will be a normal human being. i mean, i normal member. im checking meetup.com to see some group would interest me to fill up my time. gusto ko matutung umarte para sa speech ko. wala naman palang ganun sa meetup. im thinking of joining peta or other acting workshop...

okay, daydream lang:

pag nanalo akong district champion sa inspirational speech contest, i will walk up to dananjaya and tell him, "remember my name because im going to be the next world champion."

eeeeeeeeeeee!!!

putek, ang sarap mangarap. Lord, penging pambayad ng workshop!

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pero wait lang...

bago ang lahat ng to... sana magawa ko na yung target ko by August. araw araw kong kinukulit at araw araw ko pang kukulitin ang langit para dito.


Written by cinderellaareus at 03:54 PM.

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Thursday, April 12, 2018

行け~

A lot of things to do. I'm just happy it's Friday tomorrow. 

Activities were already plotted for the weekend,  I had to bail out for the ones that landed on Sunday because I really want to have at least a day of rest. Sana magbunga lahat ng pagpupunyagi for whatever "pagpupunyagi" means. 

A lot of things making me sad today but I don't even have the energy to mourn.

Lol. This is lame. 

Know what, though my friends and I have a lot of things in common, we're just worlds apart when it comes to the way we deal with the matters of the heart. 

I remember when the guy B was dating suddenly stopped seeing her. She wanted to know why because she doesn't want to go on wondering. Maybe because B is a strong woman who can handle the truth. I'm just totally different. 

If you no longer want me, then just go. Don't drop hints. Don't bother to explain. I wouldn't want to know why anyway. It's bad enough that you came only to break my heart. At least have the decency to leave me with my pride intact. 

...

Ilang frogs pa ba bago dumating yung prince?

Pagod na ko, Universe.


Written by cinderellaareus at 10:14 PM.

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Thursday, April 5, 2018

against the current

its feels like swimming upstream.

or maybe climbing up a mountain, fighting gravity.

well, not that ive tried any of these.

jay told me she doesnt want to hear what the boy has to say na. she's probably fed up and i understand. i told her though that she has to be there because we need her. i know im too soft for these sheeesh.

sometimes i wish there's someone among us who will agree with me so that i wont feel so abnormal. lol.

sabi kasi nila pag may masakit daw ibig sabihin may mali. since masakit, ibig sabihin siguro mali. well, hindi ko naman talaga alam.

i will negotiate for another chance for the boy, even if i too think that he's an as*hole. im doing this not because he deserve this but because... i dont know. this is what feels right for me.

they may not listen, but i want to at least try.


Written by cinderellaareus at 03:54 PM.

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