Entries in category "Thursday"



Edge
Thursday: January 11, 2018



Sabi nila, pag against the wall ka na daw or over the edge ka na, equipped daw ang tao ng ability na alisin ang sarili nya sa sitwasyon na yon to the point na makakagawa sya ng incredible feat.

Pure hell forces action. Pure hell. Sighs.

Feeling ko kumo quota na ko sa buntong hininga lately.

Received some bad news. In a way, siguro blessings na rin to. For one, napabalik ulet ako sa chapel para maka heart to heart talk si God. Siguro namimiss Nya na ko dahil matagal tagal na rin akong hindi dumadaan dun.

I've been against the wall for some time and bad news like this make me feel like the Universe is pushing me further back. Siguro pinapakilos Nya na talaga ko. Sana sabihin Nya nalang rin saken kung anong gagawin ko.

Sighs.

Still, I'm glad that I still feel hopeful. But then hope is not a plan. 

Sighs ulet.

Kaya ok na rin siguro na may mga problema kasi yung mga problema lang naman ang nakakapagpakilos saken at hindi yung hope. Hindi masyadong effective ang inspiration kaya siguro desperation nalang ang binibigay saken ng langit.

Sighs again.

Pero kahit ano pa yan, kaya ko yan. Bring it on, Universe (naks, antapang....).



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Written by cinderellaareus at 11:06 PM.

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Breakfast thoughts
Thursday: January 11, 2018



Last Tuesday, we watched The Revengers Squad all because that was the only one option left with the time that we had. Was surprised that it wasn't as bad as I thought.

If there's one thing that Ang Larawan failed at, siguro yun e dahil they forgot to think about their audience. They produced an art for the sake of art and that was all. I think art is there to serve people, to serve humanity. Kung gagawa ka ng art for the sake of art, then you're missing the whole point. The Revengers Squad beat Ang Larawan at that.

.....

Gusto ko ring gumawa ng films na kahit artsy, magugustuhan parin ng maraming tao.

Gusto ko rin gumawa ng films. Period.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 08:13 AM.

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Nakanaide
Thursday: December 7, 2017



4 na oras kong tiniis ang wiwi ko para matapos ko yung ginagawa kong online shop. Naalala ko nung una akong nagtayo ng online shop. Akala ko non, mabebenta na parang hotcakes ang paninda ko. 4 failed online businesses later, now i know better. Nakakatakot. Pero at least alam ko sa sarili ko na sinusubukan ko parin.

Maganda ring diversion pag busy. This is the only thing that's keeping me from crying. Pero siguro ang luha na gustong lumabas, dapat pinapalabas. Parang jebs? 2-3 hours ang byahe ko pauwi. Ang hirap maging busy pag nasa loob ka ng bus so mahirap pigilang mag-isip. Ang hirap hindi umiyak. Ang nakakainis sa luha e yung pag may pumatak n na isa, magsusunuran na yung iba. Tas kahit magmakaawa ka na, "tama na please. Awat na," tutulo parin sila. Naiinggit ako sa mga taong pag umiyak e pagkapunas ng luha, parang wala nang nangyari. Hindi kasi ganun saken. Pag umiyak ako, 30 minutes na lumipas, mukha parin akong bagong iyak. Worst part e the following day, mamaga yung mata ko at magmumukha akong frog. Timing, may yearend party kami bukas.

Halfway na ko ng byahe ayaw parin paawat ng mata ko. Unli? Bakit ba ko umiiyak?

I sent my message and was met with silence. It wasn't the first time and I'm not the type who would demand reaction to anyone. I guess what's painful was that I knew that this won't be the last and that maybe this will always be like this from now on. I remembered the louder days. I guess that was what's making me cry. See, I'm crying again. Putek.

I've been in situations way tougher, pero ayoko ng ganito. Tumitiklop talaga ko sa ganito. The last time I felt like this, I left. Hindi ko kasi talaga kaya yung ganito. But i can't leave now. I can't leave prematurely because that would cause suspicions, it might make things worst. I have to stay put for the next three months and it's killing me already.

I already told the Heavens. I've already done everything in my power to fix things. Now, He have to do the rest I guess.

I wish that He will also make me stop crying. I hate how I have so very little control of my tear ducts.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 10:02 PM.

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Stress and strain
Thursday: November 30, 2017



Bakit ang mga bagay, humihirap pag may taong involved? 

I saw Ms. Cherry and Sir Jay's throwback photo. Ang ganda ganda pala ni Ms. Cherry noon. So far from how she looks like now. Pero pag nakita mo sila ni Sir Jay, they still look like a newly wedded couple.

Naamaze ako pag nakakakita ako ng mga taong ganito. Ang hirap hirap kasing mainvolve sa tao.

Madalas sa simula masaya, pero pag na wear off na yung kapangyarihan ng rose colored glasses mo at pag nakikita mo na ang mga bagay as they are, you will start clasping, gasping for reasons to stay.

Ang main message sa grand feast last sun was about holding on. Stay long enough until the blessing comes. Yun yata ang pinagkaiba ng mga successful couples sa hindi. Kasi di ba, basta may tao, may gulo. May mga rough roads, may mga storm. At siguro ang mga makakakita lang ng smooth, easy and bright parts e yung mga nag hang on hanggang sa makalagpas sila sa mahirap na parts at makarating dun sa madali.

More than the situation, ang nakakainis siguro e yung choice of words mo. Idk. I wanted to be the understanding one, pero nakakapagod din kasi na laging umintindi. 

We all have our own separate battles. Pero siguro dapat hindi naten makalimutan na we're not enemies here. In the end of the day, we both want things to work. Siguro yun yung dapat naten matutunan.

Maybe we should stop fighting WITH each other and start fighting FOR each other instead.

Pero pano ko naman sasabihin to kung hindi ka naman nakikinig.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 07:29 PM.

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Homing
Thursday: November 23, 2017



Funny how every single time that you don't have anyone else in mind,

you always go back to that someone who once felt like home...

..

Hands up, Universe. I don't know how to solve this any more.

From here, bahala ka na...

--------

KCON starts today. I hope I will feel a whole lot better later.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 08:33 AM.

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kerokeropi
Thursday: November 16, 2017



i look like a frog. even makeup cannot cover the damage.

it's been a while since i last had a crying fiesta, my eyes sear. it was never for a reason as silly as this one.

Gabby sent this message to club's group chat yesterday.

minsan hindi ko alam kung sadyang mahal nya lang ba ko or may galit sya saken. lel. i actually asked.

hindi naman ako nape-pressure. natatakot lang.

alam ko namang sabaw pa yung speech ko pero nisend ko na kay ivan. tinatamad narin kasi akong ayusin tas wala narin naman talagang oras. lahat naman ng comment nya agree ako. alam ko narin naman bago ko pa pinasa, pero parang pag galing sa iba yung mali sa gawa mo parang iba yung impact e no. nanapak. ganun. lel.

ewan ko.

siguro kung kami kami lang, or someone from the club lang mag eevals saken, keri e.

ok lang naman.

kung sasabihan ako na magrepeat... well, masasaktan ako. pero makakamove on din ako. di ba humans are made to recover naman talaga.

pero kasi.. wala lang. nakakahiya kasi. nakakahiya na nag effort pa si gabby na mang imbita ng evaluators na, hello, contest champions lang naman... tapos sabaw lang pala yung idedeliver ko. yung feeling na sasayangin ko lang yung oras nila yung pinakamahirap i-handle para sakin. ayun lang naman.

last night, i asked the Heavens to help me. sabi ni Bo Sanchez, pag may hihingin sa Diyos daw, hindi dapat na nag be-beg. kasi anak ka ng Diyos e. bakit ka magbe-beg. ask and believe that you will recieve. ganun lang daw.

but it's hard to believe na ibibigay Nya nga kung minsan ka na Nyang binigo. yung huli ko kasing hiningi sa Kanya, hindi Nya naman binigay. ang hirap talaga maniwala e. kaya sabi ko nalang, "Oh sige po, give me a hug nalang." hindi ko rin alam kung binigay Nya ba.

i went to bed last night at 1030. slept at past 11 na siguro, then woke up 0130. i tried to write another speech because the one i wrote needs a total overhaul. hindi rin kinaya ng powers.

pero kaninang umaga, sinubukan ko nalang ayusin yung existing speech ko. hindi parin naman maganda. pero hindi na siguro kasing sama.

iniisip ko pa yung new members kasi baka hindi nila nakita yung mga prev speech ko na ok naman. pag nakita nila yung sabaw kong speech. nakakahiya lang. well, ok lang naman. iniisip ko kasi baka magsisi yung mga members na pinili akong mentor pag nakita nila na ganito kasabaw ako mag speech.

ok. ang praning ko no?

hindi ko pa nasisimulang mag memorize. absent si partner. ang busy sa cage feeling ko nga hindi na ko makakalabas ng buhay kanina. lel. pero naayos naman lahat.

pero nakakatuwa rin na may mga taong nag bother na kamustahin ka if buhay ka pa e no. Andre sent me a message saying goodluck sa speech ko and that nagulat daw sya sa line up ng evaluators ko. nakakatuwa rin yung batang yun na twing merong nakakapanic na pangyayari sa club, nangangamusta at nag-ooffer ng tulong. kahit loko rin yun paminsan minsan, naa appreciate ko parin na ganun sya.

sabi nila what cannot kill you will make you a better person. siguro magiging super better person na ko after this.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 03:14 PM.

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Shards
Thursday: October 26, 2017



I found a really nice set of movies lately. Not really so much a fan of love stories recently, but these are good. Minimalist, painfully realistic. The one i watched today is the prequel of the one I've watched yesterday. In the movie, the girl talked about how scared she is about dying.

I've been in a few accidents before. The worst happened when I was sleeping in a bus. Woke up as the bus skidded. I remember there were shards of broken glasses flying in front of me and i found that one of my sleeves was soaked with blood. I'm pretty sure I wasn't scared then. I remember i even waited—more like eagerly anticipated—that our bus will collide into one of the colossal columns in EDSA. I remember wondering how the collision will feel like. That event made me think that maybe I'm not really scared of dying.

The jeep I was riding earlier was fast. I wondered if that was going to be my last night. Funny, didn't mind that much. 

Things are pretty bad. I ran out of ways to fix things. As I sleep tonight, I can only hope that the Heavens will just fix everything for me.

....

...

Yeah, I haven't felt this bad in a while.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 09:51 PM.

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これからどうする
Thursday: October 26, 2017



It takes so much time, money and efforts that I'm starting to question if this is even worth it.

..

.

This sucks, but I'm probably leaving.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 02:07 PM.

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Chirps and clouds
Thursday: October 19, 2017



It's a Thursday and I'm out of the cage. I had the Wednesday planned out but didn't push through. It's alright. 

I set the alarm 6am but woke up 2 hours earlier. Tried and failed to sleep again so when the alarm rang, I stood up and did a 23minutes exercise. I was actually looking forward to this day, I don't know why I'm feeling so gloomy now that this day has come. 

I can hear birds chirping, and by the window, the sky is gloomy white. Mukhang mabigat na yung ulap pero ayaw paring umulan. 

TM Friday tomorrow. Gabby and Ivan won't be there. Since this won't be the first time that we're gonna hold the meeting without anyone of them, I was confident that we can push this through. Well that was until LA informed us that she couldn't make it tomorrow too. Jeez, can I panic? Well, I'm nervous too. Pero more sad than nervous. Nakakalungkot din kasi pag wala sila. I know the meeting can't just be the same without them. Hayyyst, nakakalungkot. 

With LA absent, I'd be the highest ranking officer present tomorrow. I don't mind doing the setup and everything else that can be done silently behind the scene, pero kasi kailangan ko rin i-welcome yung guests. The rest of the officers will probably get there at least a few minutes before the meeting start. I think kailangan ko rin kausapin hung mga new members, make them feel at home and all. Iniisip ko palang, para na 'kong lalagnatin. It will be a whole lot easier if only LA can be there too.

---------

Ang bilis ng panahon. Halfway through October na. Feeling ko nga, November na. I booked a super cheap space to sleep for 3 nights around Pasay in time for the KCON. When I told Mom, she bombarded me with questions and things like, 'sinong kasama mo?', 'ba't di ka nalang kila tita mo?', 'maraming pinapatay sa hotel.' Lol. Nakakapraning tuloy. 

This is my 5th year of attending KCON. 5 years? Grabe, parang ang bilis lang and yet that's about 1/6th of my life na. 

Ang bilis ng panahon. Nakaka emo.

32 years and I'm yet to figure out what I really want to do. 

Pero sabi ni Tim Ferriss, maling question daw yung 'what do I want?'

The question should be, 'what excites me?' I guess that's way easier to answer. 

I know the things that excite me. Some of these, I actually do on a regular basis. Some requires a whole lot of money than I possess. Some, I can afford. Still, all of it, in a way, requires money. 

Money may not be everything, but it feeds you, it pays your lifestyle, it funds your dreams and most of all, it's a tool that can help you love extravagantly. 

Puteeeek, kailangan ko na talagang kumita ng pera. 

Saan nga pwede magbenta ng kidney? 



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Written by cinderellaareus at 11:32 AM.

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