Entries in category "木曜日"



Uly
木曜日: November 12, 2020



Brown out mula kaninang madaling araw. Kaninang umaga, nawalan na rin ng tubig. Syempre walang WIFI. May data naman ako, but I need to conserve my phone's battery. 56% left.

May mga lumipad na yero. Pinasok din ng tubig ulan yung kwarto ko at kwarto nila mama. Basa pa rin ang sahig.

My niece is playing with her dad sa sala. I just want a dry and quiet place to sit. Wala akong matambayan. Ang ingay. Ang init. Nakakairita.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 03:19 PM.

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Mou Oboenai
木曜日: October 1, 2020



I tried to remember how it felt like. Pero wala, hindi ko talaga maalala.

I told the Heavens how I felt like maybe it's pointless to ask for the nth time when He had let me down so many times before.

I know that God owes me nothing, at hindi ko sya genie na obligadong ibigay lahat ng hiling ko.

I hate this helplessness.

Alas dos na. Wala akong pasok ng huwebes kaya hindi kailangan gumising ng maaga. I'd probably still wake up early though. By early, meaning 7am-is. My body has this habit of kicking me out of bed around this hour in the morning.

Sa totoo lang, I feel unwell. Most days, I don't really feel like waking up at all.

I am once again turning a year older in a few days.

Sometimes I feel like 35 is a too long years to live.

Cristina died before 30. She sort of predicted that.

Joven was 25. Jeff was 28. Joie... I forgot.

Siguro sadyang mahirap lang ang mga panahong ito.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 02:56 AM.

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Musing
木曜日: September 24, 2020



Grade 1. 6-7 years old ako nun nung isa sa mga classmates kong lalaki ang lumapit sakin at sinabing, "<insert my name here>, crush din kita." The girl closest to me at that time, had a crush that guy, so I hurriedly cleared the misunderstanding. 

"Din? Hindi kita crush."

Ang mean pala nun. The guy and I were schoolmates until we finished highschool, but I don't think we were ever able to talk again after that. Feeling ko nga, dun nagmula ang bad karma ko sa lablayp.

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If I will be given a chance to go back to the past, I think I'd still make choices that will lead me here to where I am now. But surely, there are things I'd rather do differently.

I wish there's a way for us to know the regrets we'll have in the future. Para ngayon palang, ma correct na. I want to spare my future self of this restlessness I feel over wishing that I didn't do the things I did, or did the things I didn't. 



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Written by cinderellaareus at 01:02 AM.

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Kitsui
木曜日: August 27, 2020



Dad promised to pay, so to Netflix it is!

Sa dami ng choices, umikli lalo ang maikli kong pasensya at attention span. Puro umpisa lang napapanood ko at wala akong natapos.

But today, I finished Healer.

Nakakainis yung ganitong feeling. Parang napamahal ka na sa mga characters, tas ngayong natapos mo na, you feel lost and nowhere to go. Takte, ganito rin pakiramdam ko dati everytime na natatapos ko kada book ng Harry Potter. Same with my other favorite series.

Tokwa, nakakalungkot.

About a week back, brother was raving about this movie he watched. The title's Fabricated City. Watched it kahit talagalized at low quality. My brother rarely rave about movies kaya nacurios din ako. Infey, maganda.

That's why I landed sa Healer. Naghanap kasi ako ng kdrama na nadun yung bidang guy. Ji Chang Wook. I love the charater, but the actor himself, kamukha ni Y. Pati mannerisms maraming common. That part, I don't like. Haha.

Thinking of watching another drama from this dude. Sobrang pogi and perfect ng mga bida ng kdrama, nakaka frustrate. I remember Y was like that when we first met. Until I get to know him better. Lol.

Hayst. Can't shake this sad sad feeling. Maybe I should just watch another series.

-------

Trabaho, tv, kain, tulog, crochet, repeat. It's not really bad, pero minsan mapapaisip ka talaga na, ganito nalang ba?

Don't get me wrong, I love staying home... iniisip ko lang kung healthy ba para sa tao yung too much comfort. I feel like I should be using this time to find a way to get myself off the cage of employment and be free. Own my time. Pero alam mo, this cage is one of my biggest blessings. 

See, right now, the cage means, protection. And provision. That's why I'm really really thankful for this cage.

But I can't stay here. I would like to believe that I'm not meant to be caged. Pero, ano bang dapat kong gawin?



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Written by cinderellaareus at 09:07 PM.

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Thursday
木曜日: August 6, 2020



Rest day today.

Dumating ang baranggay at nagkaron ng libre bakuna ng anti-rabies para sa mga aso at pusa. This is a yearly thing. Our pets seem to be calmer if I'm the one carrying them during vaccination, so most of the time, trabaho kong buhatin ang mga aso at itapat ng pwet nila sa maliit na butas na opening ng tindhan namin para ma injection-an. This year's a little different because we now have a cat. My cat is scared of strangers. Kahit sa kapatid ko takot yun. I asked the baranggay people na wag muna mag ingay para di matakot yung pusa. Needed to wrap my Juifen inside a jacket para di mangalmot at mangagat. After some hissing and clawing, we managed to have him vaccinated without getting a single scratch.

Also today, we had the language interview for work.

Know what, I have this japanese ticket na pinopreblema ko dahil di ko ma resolve. Because of this, part of me don't really mind getting kicked out of this job. Pero, takte, Universe, I need money.

Kung ako masusunod, I just want to spend time with my family, mag crochet, makipaglaro sa mga alaga ko at manood ng k-drama or anime. Nung kababalik lang namin sa taiwan, na home quarantine ako ng 16 days. Feeling ko kulang na kulang parin ako sa baksyon. Kahit wfh ako, during may workdays, naho homesick parin ako. Lol. Ang weird lang.

Gusto ko nang yumaman.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 11:34 PM.

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Mga pang araw araw na buhay
木曜日: May 28, 2020



Mga bagay na natutunan ko nitong mga nakaraang araw:

1. Hindi nababawasan ang inis sa pag express ng galit, ie. pagsuntok sa pader o pagbato ng mga bagay bagay. Kalma. Hinga.

2. Pag upset ka, or nalulungkot, gumawa ka ng bagay na makakapagpasaya sa iba.

3. Minsan, try mo rin maghugas ng plato.

The week started on my new shift high, tas nag fluctuate na high and low through out the week. Ang daming mga araw na upset ako, kinailangan kong mas madalas na makinig ng Feast Worship. Napahugas din ako ng plato to shift perspective. Effective naman. Nag sneezing fiesta lang ako ng very slight at nagkaron ng konting butlig butlig sa kamay, pero keri lang. Worth the allergies. 

Natapos ang week na ok naman ako. Mas kalmado na.

Kung tutuusin, relatively petiks ang morning shift. Mostly naging maayos naman ang mga encounters ko sa users na sinupport ko. Kahit petiks, sinisikap ko parin gawin yung best ko. That's why the pagod is still there.

Off ko ngayon. There's that perpetual need to stay away from other human beings except my family and a few friends. Those that never demand so much. Ang dami ding crappy stuff sa social media so eto, sayang ang 1GB per day promo ng Globe. Maka nood nga ng Ghibli movie mamaya.

Parang ang daming gastusin these days. Anlaki pa ng bawas sa sahod ko sa isang araw na umabsent ako. Damang dama, mapapa aray ka. Hinding hindi na talaga ako aabsent.

Kung tutuusin, sobrang laki ang natitipid ko ngayong quarantine.

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I love the feel of my facial skin today. Last night, oil cleansing, facial massage, soap, scrub, facial yoga, toner, serum, mask, eye cream, moisturizer, sunblock. Dapat may essence pa yan, kasa wala ako mahanap. Wala naman pinapagandahan at madalas pagod ako after work so natutulog lang ako kagad at wala ng routine routine. Ngayon ko nalang ulit nagawa yan dahil wala akong pasok the following day.

Tingin ko pwede naman palang alagaan ng sarili not because you want to look good for someone else, kundi para sa sarili mo lang. Try ko tong gawin araw araw. I'm not expecting any dramatic change since malaki talaga ng pores ko naturally. Even my beautiful mom, malaki rin ng pores. Pero ok lang. Basta clear ang glowing. Ngayon, pinipigilan ko munang mag online shop ng beauty products. Mag iipon muna ko for emergency. Gusto ko rin makabili ulet ng stocks pag may sapat na ipon na ko.

Thankful ako sa lahat ng pera at blessings na meron ako ngayon. Salamat, Universe. Pengi pa ng mas maraming marami pa. Hehe. Gusto ko nang yumaman e. Thank you!

Next week, 1 week kaming may training. Kahit off ko, need parin pumasok. Ok lang, iwas labas, iwas gastos. Tsaka kailangan ko rin to. Para hindi ako nangangamote sa trabaho.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 12:19 PM.

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Love and hate
木曜日: May 14, 2020



I wrapped up my workweek 12 hours ago.

Our new tool at work has a Japanese chat feature na nung Monday ko lang napapansin ang existence. Since then, kakaba kaba na akong pumapasok sa trabaho. Ang tagal na kasi mula ng huli akong magsupport ng Japanese. Napasign of cross pa ko bago mag bukas ng pc kahapon. Lol.

2 calls for a 6PM to 4AM shift. This is the lowest number of calls I got on a weekday na night shift. Nakakakaba tuloy. 

Kung tutuusin, hiring pa ang company namin for Japanese speakers sa ibang account. I have friends who are waiting for me to resign para mairefer ako sa company nila, probably for the referral fee. I'm still getting texts and emails from employers who saw my profile in Jobstreet. Siguro, kahit papano, may mapupuntahan naman ako sakali mang bitawan kami ng kliyente.

Pero kasi... gusto ko di to.

Ang gulo no? Andun yung feeling na ayoko pumasok, pero ayoko rin naman umalis. Sana ma secure na ng account namin ang contract sa client. I really like the people here. I wish we can all stay.

-----

Was watching Eat Bulaga's replay of Bawal Ang Judgemental. Pinapahulaan kung sino sa mga tao na nandun ang nagkaron na ng Girfriend AT Boyfriend. Wala lang. Ang charming nung iba e. At lahat sila, gf ang nauna bago ang boyfriend. I remember I once asked a gay friend if posible bang ang isang bakla e magising nalang isang araw at marealize nya na gusto na nya ng babae. Sabi nya hindi daw.

Ang daming gwapong bading no? Tas yung iba ang sweet pa. Kaya yun. Pero ok lang din naman. Naisip ko lang si D. I'm pretty sure he's not gay. He doesn't have to be vain like gay guys though, to look good, kasi natural na ata sa kanya yun. The last time I saw him prior the lock down, I've noticed the gray strands sticking out sa buhok nya. Ni hindi nya man lang kinapangit.

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Rest day ko today and tomorrow. I'd probably binge watch krama again. Wow, I'm so productive. Sighs.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 03:50 PM.

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Okanemochi ni naritai
木曜日: May 7, 2020



Ang sabaw ng mga calls ko kagabi. Well, ang sabaw naman talaga ng halos lahat ng mga calls ko. That was why when one of our TLs sent me an IM on messenger, I seriously thought na sasabihin nyang matatanggal na ko sa trabaho.

I am grateful for this job. I really am. I am well paid and this enables me to give a better life to my parents. I'm really happy.

Mabait ang mga kasama ko sa trabaho.

Mababait din ang mga boss ko.

Yung mga sinusupport namin, mga 90% naman sa kanila, mababait din.

May work place now is literally right next to my bed. I get 7 to 8 hours sleep.

Ok naman e.

Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit nararamdaman ko parin na araw araw kailangan kong pilitin yung sarili ko na pumasok.

Gaano karaming pera ba ang kailangan ko para hindi ko na kailangang mag trabaho? Ewan ko.

Siguro gusto ko lang ulet ma feel na magaling ako sa ginagawa ko.

At siguro, hindi naman pag alis sa trabaho ang solusyon palagi sa ganitong damdamin.

Siguro din, hindi naman dapat na feelings mo lang ang basehan mo sa mga desisyon mo sa buhay. Takte, kung lahat ng feelings ko e sinunod ko, ni hindi siguro ako nakatapos ng pag-aaral.

My brother is on a no work no pay basis. He has work only a few days a week. He has 2 small kids- 1 is a 5-yo,  1 is a few days old. Once the ECQ is lifted, my brother's company will make them start working. He plans to go to work by then even if it means he'll need to risk getting the virus and passing it to his family. Sana parehas kaming yumaman ng kapatid ko para hindi na namin kailangang pilitin ang sarili namin na magtrabaho, at parehas namin mabigyan ang family namin ng magandang buhay.

Sa tingin ko, hindi healthy para sa tao ang walang trabaho. I want to to quit working not to stop working altogether, kundi para magkaron ako ng liberty to choose the work that I do.

Sabi nila kaya maraming Baby Boomers na tumandang mayayaman dahil wala sa generation nila yung YOLO mentality. Nagtrabaho sila knowing na kailangan nilang gawin yun, hindi tulad ng generation natin na nagtatanong pa ng "masaya ba ko sa ginagawa ko?"

I've been a little idealistic mula pa nung bata. Kaya siguro hindi naging smooth lahat for me. Pero ok lang naman. I remember being so scared about the decisions I've made then, but I'm glad that I've kept going kahit na takot na takot pa ko.

I don't think I'm scared now though. I wonder if I'm missing an essential ingredient to success with that.

But then, maybe not.

Sighs... gusto ko na yumaman.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 11:01 AM.

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Thursday is the new Saturday
木曜日: April 30, 2020



Thursday. I just wrapped up my work week a few hours ago. Know what, akala ko pag mas malapit ang bahay ko sa office and hindi na kailangan ng long hours sa byahe, magkakaron na  ko ng mas maraming oras.

9 hrs work

8 hrs sleep

2 hrs prep before work

2 hrs prep before sleep

These leave me only 3 hours to do everything else.

Ang precious ng oras no? 

Ngayong ECQ ko na realize na ang daming oras ang nilalaan ko responding to other people's demands. Yeah, club related. Hindi konparin masustain ang pagkaumay ko sa lahat ng to. Pero in 2 months, lalaya na ko. Iniisip ko nga na wag nalang ako mag renew at all. I mean, with my current work setup, parang sayang lang rin ang bayad. Will think through this.

Allergic parin ako sa messages. Kung papatulan ko lahat ng to they'll be consuming so much of my time and energy.

May nagpapaschedule ng speech.

May nagpapaturo mag Japanese.

May naghihingi ng info.

Ignored

Ignored

Hingi ng info

Small talk

Small talk

Ignored

Blah

Iniisip ko kung mawawalan ba ko ng kaibigan sa ginagawa kong ito. Pero ayoko nang pilitin yung sarili ko. Ayokong unahin i-avoid na ma offend ang feelings ng ibang tao at the expense of my time and inconvenience. Because right now, I feel tired and anxious and I think the only way I can survive all these is to take good care of myself. This is the best self-care I have came up with.

Alam ko. Hindi patas.

Nitong mga nakaraang araw, late akong nakakapag out sa work.

Yesterday, 15 minutes before my shift ends, nag iinstall pa ko ng vpn sa user. Ang hirap, ang complex. Ang lifesaver ko nun e yung RDS namin na si Jannglenn. Kahit out nya narin ng 5, he stayed to assist me until almost 6AM na. Sabay na kami nag remote sa user para mabilis. Na install naman, pero di na resolve yung issue. Kahit ganun, sobrang thankful ako kay Jannglenn. 

Kanina rin almost 6 na rin ako ulet nakapag out kahit 5AM end ng shift ko. Online repair. Thankfully, PK was there to assist me kahit almost 6 na rin ako natapos. 5AM lang din out non.

These people are helping me out, spending their time and energy. Samantalang ako, iritang irita pag nag ooffer ng few minutes to answer messages. Lol. Pero syempre, hindi ko naman gagawin yun kila PK at Jannglenn.

Nakakatuwa lang na kahit mejo masama talaga ang ugali ko, ang daming mababait na taong nilagay ng langit sa paligid ko. I pray that the Heavens will bless them with joy, peace, monetary abundance and protection. I'm super thankful.

Sighs... iniisip ko tuloy kung kailangan ko na ring maging mabait sa iba pang mga taong nasa paligid ko. Hindi ko naman talaga intensyong magmaldita. Ayoko lang talaga silang kausap. Nakakapagod silang kausap. Hindi naman talaga nila kasalanan. That's just how I feel.

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Ang haba ng 2020. Sahod na pero wala parin akong pera. We're living with whatever Mom is earning sa aming munting sari sari store. I do have money. Ayoko lang mag withdraw. Wala akong quarantine pass at ayaw naman ng nanay na mag withdraw para sakin. Di daw sya marunong. Siguro may way naman. Ayoko lang rin talagang lumabas.

It feels weird to not have money. But not that bad. Mejo nalungkot lang ako nung may dumaan na taho at hindi ako makabili. Pero ok lang naman.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 03:08 PM.

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"A dream is a wish your heart makes when you're fast asleep"

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私の名前はZです。

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