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Entries in category "Thursday"



Thursday, October 25, 2018

Sigh and sigh

I called it a day at 10pm last night only to sleep way past that, entertaining customer's inquiries via chat, tas hindi naman pala bibili. Grrr.

Ano bang pwede kong gawin para yumaman? Ano bang pwede kong gawin para makuha ko lahat ng gusto ko sa buhay?

Ask and it will be given to you... seek and you shall find...

Ask. Seek. Tara.

A lot of things I look forward to this coming November. Weekends are as fully booked as ever. Nothing major. I'm not complaining. 

Changes are about to happen in a few weeks now at the cage department. Ayaw pang magsink in and I'm not even moving yet like it's not happening. Nakakatamad.

Kaitlyn's birthday in a week. I'm not really in the mood for socializing, but I'm thankful for another year in my beloved niece's life.

This Saturday we'll go hunt for a room to sleep in during workdays. On Sunday, we'll have unlihorror film via sm. I need (screaming) energy for this. 

Then KCON. I already booked for a place to stay months before. I'm not as excited as I was back in 2013, but let's see. Sana naman hindi ganun ka OA ang dami ng tao.

I was feeling super ok this morning. I don't know why I no longer do. Siguro gutom na ko.

I miss someone close to my heart. Not romantic. Or is it?



Written by cinderellaareus at 11:31 AM.

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Thursday, October 18, 2018

Quick

I skipped work today and was too lazy to invent a valid reason so I told them the truth. "Sorry, antok na antok pa po talaga ko." I've lost a day's worth pay pero ok lang din.

Dad had been sick for days so I made him take an aloe supplement drink. One of the products I sell online. He doesn't seem to be as sick anymore. Yesterday, Mom was asking me not to attend TM meeting tomorrow because Dad's sick and I need to go home. From how things look now, maybe I can attend. It's been ages since I last went to our meeting I'm starting to forget that I'm a Toastmaster.

So how are things going? 

Because of back pain, I still woke up quite early so worked straight to see how my plants are doing. Most of them are still barely surviving. I'm thinking of taking pictures of the healthy ones and see if meron bang bibili if I'll tag them as "for sale" on my social media accounts. Anong kayang gagawin ko if totoong may bumili? Iniisip ko palang na mawalay sakin ang mga alaga ko, ang sakit na ng puso ko. At this rate, hindi ko alam kung paano ko gagawing negosyo ang paghahalaman. Siguro pagkabili, benta kagad no?

Today, I exhausted every single drop of will power I have para hindi sumugod sa plant store at bumili ng halaman. Kaka order ko lang kasi ng rare cactus seeds na may kamahalan at kailangan ko bayaran COD once dumating na. Nakakainis pa na nag super sale ang isang fb page na finofollow ko ng lithops, yung dream plant ko, tas super bagsak presyo. Takte... hindi ba pwede mag sale kayo bandang kinsenas katapusan para sakto sa sweldo? Huhu. Ok na rin. Kailangan ko mag ipon para sa isang event this Nov at sa Cebu trip ko next year... at oo nga pala, March ang kasal ni bff.

I don't have enough money to buy everything I want. Pero sa totoo lang, masaya ko na at least may pera ko.

Oooooh! Oo nga pala. I recieved a friend request earlier. Judging from the profile picture na puro halaman, I'm guessing he/she saw me from the plant-related fb group that I belong to. I don't accept friend requests from people I don't know, but for some reason, I felt the need to give this one a chance. I checked the profile of the person and viola! She's the owner of the youtube page I follow na tungkol sa succulents! Wala lang. Fangirl moment. Nakakakilig. Lel.

Gah! So pathetic the things that make me kilig nowadays.



Written by cinderellaareus at 03:56 PM.

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Thursday, September 27, 2018

Ten Of Swords

Exactly how I've been feeling lately.

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Ten of Swords
Hi Zah.

The Ten of Swords is the card of absolute failure. This is a hard place to be, the most devastating period ever.

Life brought you here despite everything you tried to do to stop this. There is nothing more to do, nowhere you can go, and nobody else to be.

You are forced into the depth of your inner world. The outside world has stopped you fully.

Failing doesn't change your value, worth, or goodness. It feels like it does. But that is a big part of this lesson. Nothing you did or didn't do could have won this situation. Now you have the chance to learn to love and accept yourself regardless of what you accomplish or don't.

There may even have been a set of lies and betrayals from others leading you to an unfair position in life. You now have to come to terms with finding self-love even when you have been framed. You now have the chance to fall, exhausted, into universal love that has no judgments of you.

You have to find self-respect that goes far deeper than others' judgments. This is especially challenging when judgments are based on false pretenses. However, there is nothing else left to do but liberate your mind.

If you tried to win in a situation and all seemingly intelligent acts of will backfired, you are being asked to surrender to the universal will. Who you thought you were, what you thought you were meant to do, and the ways you thought you were going to do it, just weren't accurate. Let life take over and help. Your only job now is to do nothing.

You will come out well later, though that means little when one is in the worst depths of despair. The lessons of self-love, self-worth, and trust in universal will are about to become evident. Don't push it. Rest. This will all dawn upon you as time goes on, once you give up.

Once you are saturated with new understanding, tenderness and compassion for self and others will grow strong. Your situation will improve greatly by not exercising will for awhile. You will later see that this experience paved the foundation for your dreams to come true and far greater success to take hold. It just cannot be now.

Hibernate, with no will-power being used for awhile. If you need someone to handle basics for you, be humble enough to ask. That's about all you can do at this point anyway.

If you fought against the Ten of Swords consciousness, you enforced your own downfall. Lies, addictions, or complete denial of healthy participation brought you here. Others saw it coming, but you kept your eyes closed. Time for growth work and amends.



Written by cinderellaareus at 10:58 AM.

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Thursday, September 20, 2018


I had my first fight when I was around 6 or 7 yrs old. Grade 1. We were at the school chapel where I banged my classmate's head against the wall. I wasn't hurt whatsoever and yet when the whole commotion was over, I started crying. Mom saw me and asked what was wrong. The classmates explained that they were fighting against my cousin, not me.

When we were young, Mom always told us, no matter what happens, she got our back. Even when we're wrong, she may not tolerate, but she will always take our side. She kept true to these words up to this day. I think in a way, that made me both fearless and stubborn.

What Mom told me that day was so effective that it became my first and last fight ever: "Anak, may tahi pala sa kilay yung kaklase mong inuntog mo. E paano kung mamatay yun? Alam mo bang makukulong ang Nanay?"


I grew up with Mom saying, wag daw kaming magpapaapi. If someone wrongs us, she told us to tell her at sya na ang bahala. She told us to avoid fighting. I swear there were many times na hindi ako nagsumbong sa nanay ko, not because I was scared of the person involved, but because I was scared FOR the person involved. I figured that taking matters in my own hands is way kinder than making my enemies experience my mother's wrath.

Because of Mom, I became a person capable of protecting myself. Now that I'm an adult, I don't know if that's always a good thing.
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I'm feeling a lot better lately but I still don't feel like mingling with anyone. But I got to attend our club's meeting tomorrow because it's payment time. Besides, I can't go on hermit mode all my life, right?
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I know my taste and I know the kind of men I'm drawn to. Sabi nila, "follow your heart." l think that's bullshit.
...
...
Siguro nalulungkot lang ako.



Written by cinderellaareus at 12:07 PM.

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Thursday, August 16, 2018

Midori

Eow powzzz. Mzta powzzz.

Hayst. Ang sakit ng ulo ko sa kakatagalog. Na overuse ko na yung google translate, at paminsan minsan kahit si google sumusuko na saken.

Nabasa kong may eligibility eklabu pala yung contest. Kailangan ko na matapos bago mag 20th. Juicecolored.

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Nahihirapan akong matulog these past few days. Kagabi, nilabas ko sa kwarto ang mga alaga ko dahil sabi sa nabasa ko, may effect daw sa tulog ang plants kaya hindi advisable sa kwarto. Hindi naman effective.

Sa konting tulog na meron ako, I had a very green dream. Like literally green. Kakapanood ko yata ng video tungkol sa halaman. Excited na kong magkapera para makabili na ko ng cacti, malas or not. Parang ang ganda rin ng black prince at iba pang echeveria. Siguro kaya nahihirapan akong matulog dahil iniisip ko kung saang panig ng bahay ko sila ilalagay para maarawan ng maayos. Gusto kong magtayo ng garden at magbenta ng halaman.

Sana mamulaklak na ang mga cactus at jade ko. Yung mga unang kong anak na halaman, promise kong hinding hindi ko ibebenta.

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Was reading Jennica Uytingco's IG last night. I don't know why her posts never fail to send me to a crying fit. Hindi naman ako iyakin. Weird pa dahil kahit yung mga posts na n times ko nang nabasa, nakakaiyak pa rin.

Maybe I'm just getting old.

May succulents din pala si Jennica. Lithops ata yung isa. Yung iba hindi ko alam ang tawag. Mga mamahaling uri. Pangarap ko rin magkaron ng lithops.

Sabi sa bible, come with me all of you who are weary and I will give you rest. I think my heart is just tired.



Written by cinderellaareus at 11:52 AM.

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Thursday, July 26, 2018

Wut

I backread entries from 3 years back and boy, I sounded exactly the same.

Is staying the same good?

I don't know. How can I expect to change my situation if I will remain unchanged?

...

Maybe I need to rest for a while.



Written by cinderellaareus at 11:01 AM.

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Thursday, July 19, 2018

A rose

Ok, it hurts.



Written by cinderellaareus at 02:12 PM.

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Thursday, July 19, 2018

Fleet

"Mejo feeling ko you're distant na," he said.

Now I'm wondering ako ba yung distant or sya or maybe we just lack communication.

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Sleepy day at the cage. Must be the camomile tea.

For days I've been spending most of my waking hours playing Harvest Master, I finished 2 seasons in 2 days and now I'm halfway my 3rd. How productive.
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So my picture na. I used to imagine how my reaction would be like when this day comes...

Kung tutuusin, wala naman akong nararamdaman. Kung meron man, siguro curiosity. I think there's a tiny part of me that is convinced that he won't forget me that easily. Not that I care though.
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Watched Skyscraper movie last Monday. At the cinema, I saw Tom Cruise on a movie banner. I remember the person I watched the last Mission Impossible movie with, now happy with his beautiful wife and a kid.

Time flies so fast. People too. Why, until now I'm all memories. Nothing tangible. All fleeting. Minsan ok lang naman. Well, minsan.
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I don't know what you want. Wala ka naman talagang ino-offer. Bakit ba nandyan ka pa rin?
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Sa Harvest Master game, you have to offer the people there gifts they love so that you can create friendship points. Their heart at the panel will turn from grey to yellow to green, orange, purple, blue and pink depending in how much they like you in that order with Pink as the highest.

Pag orange na, dating levels na kayo nung character. My jowa in the game is already blue. Marrying levels na.

Iniisip ko, maybe life is just like this game. Tinatamad lang akong i-explain kung bakit.
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You should've said, "I miss you," you know. Or maybe not. I don't know. I think missing someone can only go so far and at some point, they will also start to forget you.

I don't know if I'm ok about being forgotten.
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I think I'm playing too much.



Written by cinderellaareus at 11:11 AM.

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Thursday, July 12, 2018

Food, Friends, Foul

Hello, Tabby!

I just had lunch. I usually feel better whenever I eat food I like. But right now, I'm just sad.

Earlier, I was chatting with 2 of my closest friends in college, Nini and Sha. We agreed to meet in August. It's been while since we had a bonding like this. I miss these people. I was happy.

Until LA sent me a message this morning. She's yet to tell Gabby and the rest of the officers so I really can't talk about it yet. But this is just heartbreaking. Huhu.

A few days back, I was chatting with Jay. Then last night, with Bea. I have very few friends, you know. I'm just glad that these few are good ones. Nalulungkot parin ako.

HS friends are planning to meetup too since Guadaching and fam is going to migrate in Europe daw by Sept.

Since I was young, there were days when I feel like I don't have friends only to look on my sides and they were there walking with me. Kung meron akong bagay na ipinagpapasalamat sa langit bukod sa family ko, siguro ito yun. Friends.

Iniisip ko lang, every single one of these people ay babae. What happened to my male friends???

Naisip ko si * at si **. Dapat talaga, kung hindi ka sigurado na kaya mong pangatawanan hanggang dulo, wag kang tatalo ng kaibigan.

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Napansin ko lang naman. Yung mga tinatag mo kasi sa mga post tungkol sa paborito nateng libro, lahat taga SJDM, Bulacan. At yung isa, kapangalan ko pa.

Well, napansin ko lang naman.

I read you convo and I'm pretty sure that if FB existed back in the day, we would've sounded way happier than that.
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Nalulungkot na naman ako. Si LA kasi. Huhu. T_T
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Bea sent me a screenshot of a post from some guy we know. Mejo friends naman kami dun sa guy. We just felt like the post was kinda off.

It was a photo of an underwear na nakasampay sa hanger. The caption says something like, the guy hadn't been home for 3 yrs kaya 3 yrs na ring nakasampay yung undies ng ex nya sa banyo ng bahay nya.

I kinda know fragments of the guy's stories about his exes and they weren't good. Maybe he had the right to feel bitter, but still.

I don't know. I think private matters are called "private" because they ought to remain that way. I used to see this guy as someone "not so bad", pero bumaba talaga yung tingin ko sa kanya after this. Bukod don, parang nagka trust issue pa ko.

Moral lesson: kung hindi mo bahay, wag ka mag-iiwan ng panty.

Ang judgemental ko rin kasi feeling ko lahat ng lalaking nag react ng like, heart or haha sa post na to ay jerk. It was like saying, "Woohoo! Congratulations! You got laid!" Ewan.

As a woman, I genuinely like men. But it's more than because of what they have in between their legs. I'm utterly disgusted with men na ang pagkalalaki ay nakadikit lang sa kanilang "pag-aari".

I checked the people who reacted. Good thing, wala dun si crush. Made me proud of my taste in men. Lol. Happy na ko.



Written by cinderellaareus at 12:12 PM.

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