Entries in category "Friday"


Friday. April 6, 2018

夢じゃない

a set of gold measuring spoon.

a hooded bath towel in watermelon print.

airport.

rain.

leopard figurines.

you.

me.

them.

my heart sank and is still sinking, i can barely eat.

sabi daw ni anthony robins, may power daw ang tao na baguhin ang sarili nyang state.

well, let's try...

-----------

results of the nomination came. i wasnt on the list. i thought im going to feel relieved. well, maybe not yet. but im pretty sure my mother will be very happy.

jer seems panicky. i told him to relax. funny, he's talking to me about this when i told him bluntly that i wont vote for him as the president.

he told me, "dapat ikaw to e." i told him "if its meant for me it will never miss me. kaya wala ko dyan kasi hindi para saken yan." after sending, i just realized im probably wrong.

whatevs. this is so boring.

-----------

rereading oliver emberton's blog.

ive been at the edge for some time, i didnt know it will take me this long to get myself out of here.

pero siguro, i cant expect my life to really change if i will just do the same things that ive been doing all these years. clearly, they arent working.

the first (and only) time that i heard God speak, what he said was "I did not give you fear."

iniisip ko kung fear ba yung nararamdaman ko or something else.

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i was 7 when i learned one of the most important lessons ive learned in my life.

today, i was reminded of the same lesson and more.

its bad enough that you dont ask for what you want, but that's a whole lot acceptable than acting like you dont really want it.

what you think, what you say and what you do should be in line with eachother.

i want to engrave these words in my heart just so i will never forget again.

-----------

i feel like my state had gotten even worse after trying. : (

feeling ko lahat ng part ng buhay ko ngayon, hindi ok.

...

z, please dont cry.


Written by cinderellaareus at 03:26 PM.

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* * * *

Friday. March 9, 2018

もういい

pag hindi mo daw kayang i-explain ang point mo in a very simple and understandable manner, then you don't understand your point enough.

siguro nga.

naiirita na ko. hindi ko mabigyang ng decent ending 'tong BSP10 ko. Pag pina-repeat pa ko ulet, ayawan na. magpapaka layu layo nalang ako.

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THE LENS


They say that the reason why human beings tend to see the same things differently is that each of us sees things through our own different lenses. Some people see through the “lens of happiness” where everything they see makes them happy. There are those who see things through the “lens of gratitude” where they see things as blessings to be thankful for. There are those who see through the “lens of wow”. To them, everything is a discovery of magic and wonder.


I might’ve seen through many different lenses in my entire lifetime, but there is this one lens that took me some time to really appreciate and understand its purpose. The lens called death.


My understanding of death had been a rollercoaster ride since the time that I gained consciousness of it.
They say that every artist is attracted with death as moths are attracted to a light bulb. Aren’t all of us artists in our own little ways?


When I was younger, I was that artist—or maybe the moth, but either way, my lens of death was covered with glitters, shinning so beautifully I wanted to touch it.


On one fateful night, I had my chance.


I woke up from the screeching sound of tires as the bus I was riding on uncontrollably skidded. Shards of broken glasses were flying in front of me. There was panic. There was blood. I remember the rising curiosity I felt as gravity pulled our bus backwards, approaching a huge column supporting an EDSA flyover. Our bus got nearer, and with so much anticipation, I waited for the collision to happen. “Will it hurt? Will I die?” I asked these questions more with excitement than fear, but about a yard away from the column, the bus stopped. Aside from a sleeve soaked with blood, I survived.
The more something eludes us, the more we want to get a hold of it, don’t we?


I continued liking the idea of death, until the day that it almost hit someone from my family.


The Intensive Care Unit of Nicanor Reyes Medical Foundation was a sterilized room, spacious enough to fit several patients. I have never entered an ICU before. They made us wear Personal Protective Equipment, hospital gown, facemask and all. Dad’s cubicle was at the far corner of the ICU. On my way there, I was able to look at the patients that we passed by. Tubes, barely fluctuating lifelines and pale faces were their common denominator. “These patients look almost dead, why is Dad with them? Are they the dying ones? Is Dad dying?”


A clogged blood vessel caused Dad to have a stroke. You see, I used to ask questions about death with curiosity and excitement, but that time, all that I felt was fear. I wasn’t prepared to lose Dad then. Maybe for the first time, I was scared of death.


Though Dad survived, I started seeing death differently from that moment on. The glitters on my lens were replaced with blurred lines, and suddenly, death didn’t look so beautiful anymore.


(But) I got to see death for what it truly is, only when it actually happened.


Cristina was a friend I had in high school. She was one of the most brilliant people I know. She too was an artist. In our conversations, death was always present. One time, Cristina declared, “I'm gonna die at 30.” Two years ago, just a few months short her 30th birthday, she did. Lymphoma, a cancer related to the white blood cell.


I was on my busiest days of my life when I found out about it. I thought to myself, “Nah, that girl can’t die, she’d been through a lot. That’s just cancer.” I stalled seeing her and proceeded with my busy life thinking she’ll live longer. Because of that assumption, I wasn’t able to see my friend alive.


When I almost died, I looked at death with curiosity. When my father almost died, I looked at it with fear, but nothing compared to the feeling it sent me, when I saw that death could actually happen.


After attending Cristina’s wake, I spent full two weeks sleeping on my parents’ bed. First, because I was scared that my dead friend will visit me. Second, because I wanted to feel that my parents are alive. Every single day of those 2 weeks, I watched my mother breathe as she sleeps. At first, I was scared that she would just stop breathing. Later on, I was just happy that she is still breathing.


The death of Cristina cemented in me the reality that death will come. With glitters and blurred lines removed, I was able to see life through the lens of death clearly.


Fellow Toastmasters and guests, my understanding of death had been a rollercoaster ride since the time that I gained consciousness of it. I learned to love it, fear it, and then see life better through it. Knowing that death will come made me appreciate life more. Knowing that life will end taught me to straighten my priorities to live better and love better.
They say every artist is attracted to death, but only those who learn how to see life from the death’s viewpoint will transform from an artist, into a real master of life. May all of us

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may swimming sa club namin bukas. sana maging masaya lahat. sabagay, madalas naman, masaya.

after neto, speech ko na. sighs.

then the following week, swimming ulet.

netong mga nakaraan araw, bukod sa pamomroblema (hindi pag-iisip) kung paano ko maayos yung speech ko, wala naman ako masyadong ginawa.

i played with the dogs.

i played swimming with kaitlyn in her inflatable swimming pool.

nagluto ng egg at napaso. itlog na nga lang, napaso pa ko.

naghiwa rin ako ng singkamas tas dumerecho yung kutsilyo sa daliri ko.

bukod sa konting mga disgrasya, wala namang kakaiba.

all trivial stuff.

pero sa tingin ko, masaya naman ako.

-----

may tinag syang girl sa isang meme tungkol sa paborito naming libro.

take note: paborito NAMING libro.

hindi mo naman ita-tag yung tao kung wala kayong connection di ba?

pero in a way. ok lang naman.

i checked the girl a bit.

kamukha ko ba? or guni guni ko lang ba?

tas taga SJDM din.

idk.

pero ok lang naman talaga.

come to think of it, J is every bit like R too, isnt he?

idk.

i dreamt of R a few days back. J was there too. in the dream, i chose j. then in the end, i left them both kasi may pupuntahan daw akong wedding. when i woke up, i squeezed my brains to make myself remember whose wedding was that. hindi ko na talaga naalala.

-----

march na. maayos pa naman ang puso ko na sinalanta ng february. pero ok naman ako ngayon. mejo masaya. pero minsan, naiinis parin. hindi yata talaga maiihihiwalay ang inis pag may tao kang pinapahalagahan.

sa ngayon, gusto ko muna na chill lang.

as always...

chill.


Written by cinderellaareus at 03:33 PM.

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* * * *

Friday. February 16, 2018

Ms. Chill

Been out of the cage since the week started. To say that I'm exhausted is an understatement.

Just got back to cage last Thurs. When Partner saw me, he immediately reported, "za*i*a no koto ga suki no hito ga iru"—or something that goes to that line. Today, someone actually announced it using a more understandable language. They're probably just joking. I still feel sorry for the guy. He can't seem to look at me since then.

Naalala ko lang bigla si Mr. Chill. Maybe what made me like him then was because we're somewhat alike. Chill. I wonder how it would be like if I'd actually end up with the first person that I've ever asked the Heavens for.


Written by cinderellaareus at 09:55 PM.

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Friday. October 27, 2017

I am a master of my emotions

This is one of my favorites from Og Mandino's scroll. When Joey de Leon's depression related comment was still hot, I wasn't one of those who cried foul because I think there is some truth to that idea. It was just that Joey didn't wrap his idea/comment in a better package. We are all about packages these days, aren't we?

Before I start feeling bad again, well, yeah, I remember the scroll. That 'I am a master of my emotions' thingy. Last night before I slept, I went to parents' room. Mom was eating peanut butter sandwich and I took a bite, then suddenly things weren't so bad anymore. I think the world can fall apart, but as long as I'm with the people I love, kahit ano pa yan, kaya ko yan.

There will be an event today. I feel far from wanting to socialize, but I already said yes.

The world demands so much of me lately. Did I sign up for this? Maybe I did. 

When down with 2 choices, what will you choose? Live with it until you hate it? Or just leave?


Written by cinderellaareus at 08:01 AM.

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* * * *

Friday. October 6, 2017

Good Will Hunting

The movie may not touch you the way it touched me,

but if I am to rate this with 5 stars as the highest,

...

I'd give this a 10.


Written by cinderellaareus at 03:57 PM.

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* * * *

Friday. September 1, 2017

asdfghjk

z,

pag sinabi mong "tara", ibig sabihin, sasama ka.

pag sinabi mong "see you", ibig sabihin, darating ka.

hindi ko naman talagang intensyon magsinungaling. ayoko lang talaga nang nag eexplain. sighs. konti nalang bi-bingo na ko sa taong to.

------

start of the month and a few heartbreaks already.

pero keri lang.

Friday holiday at work. not really complaining. im skipping a tm night for its gonna be a long day. im really dead sleepy and my stomach feels funny so mejo wrong timing, besh.

i would've looked forward to the weekend for a much longed for sleeeeeeeep, but tomorrow's division contest and i already said im coming. i think id rather stay home but i also want to support gabby. besides, nandun si crush. i want to see how he will fare against gabby.

------

membership renewals time. im trying not to panic on how i can make the ends meet.

one of our members sent me a message yesterday telling how this other club in katipunan is so much more accessible to him. he didnt actually said he's leaving the club to transfer so i asked. he just told me, nahihirapan daw sya. so how can i respond to that?

hindi ako clingy na tao. im actually a bit detached. pero kahit ganun, i dont like it when people leave... well, except if im the one leaving.

when i was younger, i used to ask: ano bang mas masakit, yung aalis or yung iiwan? ive long found an answer to that.

------

10 mins. got to end this.


Written by cinderellaareus at 03:51 PM.

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* * * *

Friday. August 25, 2017

flashlight

considerably feeling better. for one, friday na. plus i also had a good sleep and so far, hadnt eaten anything crappy.

to perform your best, kailangan ata talaga na nasa best shape ka.

my problems didn't fix itself when i woke up this morning. they're still there, but at least now, i can stare at them dead in the eye without panicking. Or, okay, i did panic, but only a bit.

i just spent a few pesos for market testing. the results arent looking good. i dont have any other bullets left and after this i dont know what to do next.

hahahahahaha.

or maybe i should say,

huhuhuhuhuhu.

i dont know. i thought maybe i should slow down. like the years of having not much result weren't that slow already. i want to fix my state first. at least for a couple of weeks of so. naisip ko yung "law of pure potentiality" and i want to see what it can do for me.

"begin with the end in mind," they say. Pero di ba, sa buhay, parang kang naka flashlight na naglalakad sa dilim. makikita mo ba agad yung end ng road? hindi naman di ba? makikita mo lang kung ano yung abot ng ilaw ng flashlight mo. pero kahit ganun natatapos mo naman ang paglalakbay mo kahit sa pakonti konting ilaw lang. kahit hindi mo pa nakikita kung anong nasa other end.

kaya siguro ok lang kahit hindi pa naten alam lahat. kahit hindi pa naten alam kung ano ba yung nasa kabilang side of kung ano bang kahihinatnan ng lahat. baka minsan kailangan lang talaga naten na magpatuloy sa kahit anong konting liwanag meron tayo. parang flashlight.

sighs...

...

im feeling considerably better.

pero nalulungkot at nag-aalala parin ako.


Written by cinderellaareus at 03:16 PM.

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* * * *

Friday. June 23, 2017

Il Principe

been reading some machiavellian writer i recently discovered. i am halfway through the transcript of his talk in some huge university and my head started spinning already. i feel like my brains had been too exposed to goody goody books from goody goody writers that it's finding it hard to adjust. i felt my neck, i think im having fever.

nakakalagnat pala to?

---------

the scent of your hostility reached me across my pc, totally bypassing geography. im pretty sure you're a charmer, i didnt know u can be coquettish too. they say the most dangerous types are the mixture of 2 or more characters and i should know because im a mixed type myself.

... but i think im sick now so im letting u get this one. or maybe i should drop the game altogether.

i feel tired.

maybe im truly sick.

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"absolute power corrupts absolutely...

absolute powerlessness corrupts even more than that."

few weeks for my bsp9. nakakahiya mag beg off kung ikaw ang nag assign ng date na yun para sa sarili mo. im thinking of writing about aos... or maybe about gaining power through radical realism anik... these ideas are too good not to share but they might find it hard to accept it right away and it's just a 5 to 7 minutes speech. nako-kornihan naman akong pumili ng generic topics. i want to give them something good. something that will radically change their views about life. i think, as a speaker, our speech is our gift to our audience, and i want to give them something that will be beneficial for them and at the same time... maybe something that will make them remember me as well??

huwwooow... getting machiavellian, z?

kaso kasi, nakakatamad din talaga.

---------

mom's birthday today. we're probably going to have something special for dinner tonight. masaya na ko sa spaghetti at cake. sana may spaghetti at cake.

ive always loved spaghetti since i was a child. the other things i loved as a child, i already outgrown. i wonder when will i ever outgrow my love for spaghetti.

when i was a bit younger, nagkaron ako ng theory na malalaman mo lang na adult ka na pag nagsimula mo nang magustuhan ang lasa ng paksiw(isda)...

hanggang ngayon, ayoko parin ng paksiw.


Written by cinderellaareus at 01:27 PM.

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* * * *

Friday. April 14, 2017

Gloomy Friday

APAC people were in OB so it was just partner and I at work. I'm just glad that we got past that phase when we're constantly pissing each other off. Indeed, miracles happen the moment na mag decide kang mag focus sa good side ng mga bagay bagay at wag i-stress ang sarili sa bagay na hindi mo ma-control. As a whole, I think partner and I share a lot of things in common and minus the silly away-bata, I think we can make a good tandem. 

----

The air feels considerably gloomy today. If I remember it right, ganito rin ata last year. Ang lungkot lungkot ng hangin pag good Friday. Siguro kailangan din talagang pagdaanan to para mas ma appreciate naten ang Easter. 

Iniisip ko kung nasa good Friday lang din ba ko ng buhay ko. If so, then I only have to hang on for a few more days because, hey, easter's coming! 

----

Saw Cristina changed her profile pic in fb into some pic of her na black and white. She's my friend who passed away last year. The old self that I know would probably get creeped out at that. Ikaw ba naman, kung yung friend mo na mag wa-1 year na na deds e nag update ng profile pic, hindi ka ba matatakot? But I wasn't scared. Sometimes when I pass by the street that leads to their house in citrus, I remember her. I wonder what people do once they're in heaven na. Or meron nga kayang heaven? iniisip ko kung inimbento lang ba ng tao ang idea ng langit so that they won't feel so bad about dying.

I don't know what's true. Ang alam ko lang, sobrang limited lang ng buhay kaya hindi dapat sinasayang sa mga bagay na hindi naman mahalaga. Sabi mahahanap mo daw yung peace kung yung words at actions mo e in line sa nararamdaman mo. My words are barely keeping up with my feelings and my actions are nowhere nearby. Baka kaya walang peace. 

Ang ikli lang ng buhay... Dapat siguro, magsimula na akong mag build ng sarili kong peace. 


Written by cinderellaareus at 08:21 PM.

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my name is z


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