Entries in category "Friday"


Friday, June 8, 2018

The only F word I love is "Friday"

Hello Tabby. It's Friday!

Been feeling down for some time. Must be the weather. 

It's been raining more frequently lately. I love the rain. I love how it makes me sad sometimes. I think sadness is good. When felt sparingly, that is.

Will be meeting the girls later. Just some chat over coffee. I think I'd rather have beer. They don't drink beer.

Yesterday, Mom was asking me to accompany her in meeting an acquaintance who works for an LGU today. Mom rarely ask for my presence. I felt bad that I couldn't say yes because I have work and couldn't file a leave because Partner filed his a few days ago.

I need sleep. Badly.

We have guests at home. I feel sorry for our dog, Gigi. She must be tired from barking all the time.

We'll be having a day out with the guests tomorrow. Mom wants me to go home earlier tonight. I don't know how can I possibly do that if I'll be going out with the girls 3 hours bus ride away from home.

I love my home town and all. I just wish I don't have to travel this long every single effing time.

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Rainy days mean silence. Peace. I can imagine sitting by my favorite chair, reading a good book this weekend.

Seems like it's not gonna happen, but I'm not really complaining. Sleep is non-negotiable though.

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Been sad for the entire week. I have to be happy next week if I'd like to stay sane. When was the last time that I had meaningful human interaction?


Written by cinderellaareus at 08:19 AM.

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Friday, June 1, 2018

Nemui

Kung kada hikab ko ay kumikita ako ng piso, siguro kakasya na ang kinita ko bilang pamasahe pauwi sa Bulacan mamaya.

For straight 1 week, I had trouble with sleeping. I've been sleeping 2-3 hours per day, my head is pulsating already. Can I go home?

Kaitlyn will be back home tomorrow. Brother's in-laws will send them very early Saturday morning. I wonder if I should just skip the meeting tonight to have enough sleep for tomorrow, but I want to watch our National Champ deliver his speech tonight. l remember I also told Gabby I'd be joining him in Greenhills Prime tomorrow.

Antok na antok na ko! Sleep, please be kind to me. T_T


Written by cinderellaareus at 11:53 AM.

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Friday, May 25, 2018

7:49

Do you remember the first time someone said to you, "I love you"?

I remember he was acting odd that day, I seriously thought he was having stomach ache. When I got home, we were texting and he was picking a fight thru text for absolutely no reason. Then after all his virtual tantrums, in his message he said, "I think I love you."

I remember I was so shocked. He was the last person I expected to hear it from. In my panic, I threw my phone on the bed and buried it under a pile of pillows, looking at it like it was gonna explode or something. Lol, it was quite traumatic. 

I remember smoothing my chest to calm my rampaging heart asking, "what did just happen?"

Funny, right? But I guess I never really change so much. If it happens now, I might react the same way. Can't throw my phone though, because, 1st, this is Mom's phone. 2nd, this si expensive, Mom will probably kill me.

I wonder how are we going to find love when the slightest hint of mushiness makes us cringe and run away. This is just too pathetic, it's almost laughable.

But I'm going to outgrow all these because I'm going to find a good man and with him, build my own family.

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Ok joke lang to. Pero posible kaya na ang Prince Charming ko e nakatira sa Maldives at pinanganak lang nung 12 yo na ko?

Lol. Probably not. Pero hindi naman siguro kailangang laging may romantic angle ang mga bagay bagay. I just remember my AOTS days. I really miss meeting people from different countries. 


Written by cinderellaareus at 08:19 AM.

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Friday, May 11, 2018

Sleep na u, sleep na me

Ang hapdi ng mata koh! T_T

For straight 1 week, I've been sleeping less than 3 hours. I seriously need sleep.

I went to Quiapo yesterday. For someone who adores silence, it's odd how I was liking the whole Quiapo vibe. It's just 1 lrt ride from the office. Maybe I'd go there more often.

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I'm meeting people from the club tomorrow. I actually forgot why we're suppose to meet. Too lazy to check the GC. I'm hoping that the meeting will end early as I need to hunt for an outfit for the anniv party then will be attending a party in the other side of Bulacan by the evening. I don't even know how to get there yet. Everyone in club seems to be busy too though. Gonna be a long day. Truth is, I'd rather stay home, sit in my favorite chair and stare at the ceiling or read books. I'm not feeling so social, my stomach churn at the thought of human interaction. But don't get me wrong. I love these people.

Konti push nalang and my life in the club will change. Soon, I'll be handing the files of our club to the new VPE. Maybe there will be considerably less ticking of phone after this. 

I'm already thinking of ways to fill up my time in case I get bored. But since I'm someone who find happiness in staring at the ceiling for hours, there's very little chance that I'll get bored, right?

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Ang dami ko talagang inaalala sa ngayon. 


Written by cinderellaareus at 08:04 PM.

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Friday, May 4, 2018

1129

Outside my room, the birds chirp.

I love this kind of silence.

This is the 2nd day of my 4-days long, long weekend. The past day had been ordinary so far, and for some reason, I'm so happy.

Kaitlyn's in Cavite with her Mom and they will be staying there for about a month. It's been a while since the house had been this silent. I wonder if it's normal for a human being to love silence this much. But don't get me wrong, I also love having my niece around.

I had another customer again yesterday. Nakakatuwa, ang dami nyang inorder. I should've earned more, but I realized that more than their money, I want to gain their trust. I hope that through this, I could build lasting relationships with my customers.

Tomorrow,  I will have to see the suppliers again to buy orders and replenish my stock. This means I'll be killing thousands of peso again and by Monday, wala na naman akong pamasahe. Thank you very much. Lol.

Naalala ko yung sabi ni Tim Ferriss na "scratch your own itch". Something like, mag benta ka ng bagay na willing at gustong gusto mo ring bilhin. This same principle worked for Jer, and he hadn't even read Tim Ferriss yet (I think).

I'm aching for a decent watch lately. Yung branded, brand new at original. The only decent watch I have is the one that Mom gave me for my birthday last year. It's gold in color. Gusto ko rin ng silver since most of my accessories are silver. Been searching FB for it for days now kahit hindi naman talaga ko bibili. Ang dami kong nakitang maganda, ang sakit sa puso. Since I am yet to meet my suppliers, sa ngayon, afford ko pa. Can you imagine how much self-control it requires to prevent myself from buying these watches? 

I wonder if I should make branded watches my next business venture. Mag-iipon ako ng puhunan para dito <3.

Sighs... gusto ko talaga ng magandang relo.

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Wala akong pasok sa work ngayon so I'm at home in Bulacan, but later, I will commute 3 hours (6 hours back and fort) to attend a 2.5 hours long TM meeting na pwede ko namang hindi puntahan. 

I think we really make time for the things that matter to us, don't we?

After tonight, 2 more regular meetings yet and I'll be free from my responsibilities as our club's VPE. Na realized ko na ang downside pala nito e wala nang pampaganda ng speaker's profile ko for my future speaking gigs (na sana dumating, and pag dumating, sana ready ako at hindi kakaba kaba ulet).

Maybe I'd try my luck in running as the president next year for that purpose. If maayos na ang buhay ko then, I will do that. Kahit manganpanya pa ko. Haha. May boboto kaya saken?

Sana nga, maayos na ang buhay ko by then. Konting kapit pa siguro.

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We did some food tasting for our club anniv on May 18. Prior the agreed meeting time, LA and I met. As usual, we had a girl talk. Sabi nya, sinubukan nya daw i-evaluate kung ano ba ang passion nya sa buhay at nalaman nyang ito daw ay ang "magmahal". Na surprised ako sa sagot ni LA kasi I thought, she's just like me. Chill. Pero hindi pala. Listening to her story about her hopes and hurts felt like seeing a totally different world from my own.

Paano mo ba iko-comfort ang tao tungkol sa bagay na hindi mo naman talaga naiintindihan?

For a while I started having doubts about my ability to love. Ang lalim kasi magmahal ni LA. Para syang ocean, tas ako yung puddle sa tag-araw na malapit na malapit nang matuyo.

I don't think this has anything to do with what I experienced in relation to loving people, because for as long as I can remember, I've always been like this. Detached.

Pero narealized ko na siguro sadyang iba iba lang ang mga tao. That's why we love differently as well. The way I love maybe shallow compared to how LA does, but it doesn't mean na hindi totoo ang pagmamahal ko. Ang weird na bothered na bothered talaga ako dito. Lol.

Feeling ko kasi the lack of the ability to love is the worst handicap. Hindi ako papayag na may ganun akong klaseng disability.

Naniniwala ako na hindi ang depth ng love ang magpapatunay ng authenticity nito, kundi yung little parts of you na binibigay mo CONSISTENTLY to nurture that love and sustain it till the end.

Balang araw, patutunayan kong tama ako.


Written by cinderellaareus at 11:30 AM.

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Friday, April 6, 2018

夢じゃない

a set of gold measuring spoon.

a hooded bath towel in watermelon print.

airport.

rain.

leopard figurines.

you.

me.

them.

my heart sank and is still sinking, i can barely eat.

sabi daw ni anthony robins, may power daw ang tao na baguhin ang sarili nyang state.

well, let's try...

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results of the nomination came. i wasnt on the list. i thought im going to feel relieved. well, maybe not yet. but im pretty sure my mother will be very happy.

jer seems panicky. i told him to relax. funny, he's talking to me about this when i told him bluntly that i wont vote for him as the president.

he told me, "dapat ikaw to e." i told him "if its meant for me it will never miss me. kaya wala ko dyan kasi hindi para saken yan." after sending, i just realized im probably wrong.

whatevs. this is so boring.

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rereading oliver emberton's blog.

ive been at the edge for some time, i didnt know it will take me this long to get myself out of here.

pero siguro, i cant expect my life to really change if i will just do the same things that ive been doing all these years. clearly, they arent working.

the first (and only) time that i heard God speak, what he said was "I did not give you fear."

iniisip ko kung fear ba yung nararamdaman ko or something else.

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i was 7 when i learned one of the most important lessons ive learned in my life.

today, i was reminded of the same lesson and more.

its bad enough that you dont ask for what you want, but that's a whole lot acceptable than acting like you dont really want it.

what you think, what you say and what you do should be in line with eachother.

i want to engrave these words in my heart just so i will never forget again.

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i feel like my state had gotten even worse after trying. : (

feeling ko lahat ng part ng buhay ko ngayon, hindi ok.

...

z, please dont cry.


Written by cinderellaareus at 03:26 PM.

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Friday, March 9, 2018

もういい

pag hindi mo daw kayang i-explain ang point mo in a very simple and understandable manner, then you don't understand your point enough.

siguro nga.

naiirita na ko. hindi ko mabigyang ng decent ending 'tong BSP10 ko. Pag pina-repeat pa ko ulet, ayawan na. magpapaka layu layo nalang ako.

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THE LENS


They say that the reason why human beings tend to see the same things differently is that each of us sees things through our own different lenses. Some people see through the “lens of happiness” where everything they see makes them happy. There are those who see things through the “lens of gratitude” where they see things as blessings to be thankful for. There are those who see through the “lens of wow”. To them, everything is a discovery of magic and wonder.


I might’ve seen through many different lenses in my entire lifetime, but there is this one lens that took me some time to really appreciate and understand its purpose. The lens called death.


My understanding of death had been a rollercoaster ride since the time that I gained consciousness of it.
They say that every artist is attracted with death as moths are attracted to a light bulb. Aren’t all of us artists in our own little ways?


When I was younger, I was that artist—or maybe the moth, but either way, my lens of death was covered with glitters, shinning so beautifully I wanted to touch it.


On one fateful night, I had my chance.


I woke up from the screeching sound of tires as the bus I was riding on uncontrollably skidded. Shards of broken glasses were flying in front of me. There was panic. There was blood. I remember the rising curiosity I felt as gravity pulled our bus backwards, approaching a huge column supporting an EDSA flyover. Our bus got nearer, and with so much anticipation, I waited for the collision to happen. “Will it hurt? Will I die?” I asked these questions more with excitement than fear, but about a yard away from the column, the bus stopped. Aside from a sleeve soaked with blood, I survived.
The more something eludes us, the more we want to get a hold of it, don’t we?


I continued liking the idea of death, until the day that it almost hit someone from my family.


The Intensive Care Unit of Nicanor Reyes Medical Foundation was a sterilized room, spacious enough to fit several patients. I have never entered an ICU before. They made us wear Personal Protective Equipment, hospital gown, facemask and all. Dad’s cubicle was at the far corner of the ICU. On my way there, I was able to look at the patients that we passed by. Tubes, barely fluctuating lifelines and pale faces were their common denominator. “These patients look almost dead, why is Dad with them? Are they the dying ones? Is Dad dying?”


A clogged blood vessel caused Dad to have a stroke. You see, I used to ask questions about death with curiosity and excitement, but that time, all that I felt was fear. I wasn’t prepared to lose Dad then. Maybe for the first time, I was scared of death.


Though Dad survived, I started seeing death differently from that moment on. The glitters on my lens were replaced with blurred lines, and suddenly, death didn’t look so beautiful anymore.


(But) I got to see death for what it truly is, only when it actually happened.


Cristina was a friend I had in high school. She was one of the most brilliant people I know. She too was an artist. In our conversations, death was always present. One time, Cristina declared, “I'm gonna die at 30.” Two years ago, just a few months short her 30th birthday, she did. Lymphoma, a cancer related to the white blood cell.


I was on my busiest days of my life when I found out about it. I thought to myself, “Nah, that girl can’t die, she’d been through a lot. That’s just cancer.” I stalled seeing her and proceeded with my busy life thinking she’ll live longer. Because of that assumption, I wasn’t able to see my friend alive.


When I almost died, I looked at death with curiosity. When my father almost died, I looked at it with fear, but nothing compared to the feeling it sent me, when I saw that death could actually happen.


After attending Cristina’s wake, I spent full two weeks sleeping on my parents’ bed. First, because I was scared that my dead friend will visit me. Second, because I wanted to feel that my parents are alive. Every single day of those 2 weeks, I watched my mother breathe as she sleeps. At first, I was scared that she would just stop breathing. Later on, I was just happy that she is still breathing.


The death of Cristina cemented in me the reality that death will come. With glitters and blurred lines removed, I was able to see life through the lens of death clearly.


Fellow Toastmasters and guests, my understanding of death had been a rollercoaster ride since the time that I gained consciousness of it. I learned to love it, fear it, and then see life better through it. Knowing that death will come made me appreciate life more. Knowing that life will end taught me to straighten my priorities to live better and love better.
They say every artist is attracted to death, but only those who learn how to see life from the death’s viewpoint will transform from an artist, into a real master of life. May all of us

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may swimming sa club namin bukas. sana maging masaya lahat. sabagay, madalas naman, masaya.

after neto, speech ko na. sighs.

then the following week, swimming ulet.

netong mga nakaraan araw, bukod sa pamomroblema (hindi pag-iisip) kung paano ko maayos yung speech ko, wala naman ako masyadong ginawa.

i played with the dogs.

i played swimming with kaitlyn in her inflatable swimming pool.

nagluto ng egg at napaso. itlog na nga lang, napaso pa ko.

naghiwa rin ako ng singkamas tas dumerecho yung kutsilyo sa daliri ko.

bukod sa konting mga disgrasya, wala namang kakaiba.

all trivial stuff.

pero sa tingin ko, masaya naman ako.

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may tinag syang girl sa isang meme tungkol sa paborito naming libro.

take note: paborito NAMING libro.

hindi mo naman ita-tag yung tao kung wala kayong connection di ba?

pero in a way. ok lang naman.

i checked the girl a bit.

kamukha ko ba? or guni guni ko lang ba?

tas taga SJDM din.

idk.

pero ok lang naman talaga.

come to think of it, J is every bit like R too, isnt he?

idk.

i dreamt of R a few days back. J was there too. in the dream, i chose j. then in the end, i left them both kasi may pupuntahan daw akong wedding. when i woke up, i squeezed my brains to make myself remember whose wedding was that. hindi ko na talaga naalala.

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march na. maayos pa naman ang puso ko na sinalanta ng february. pero ok naman ako ngayon. mejo masaya. pero minsan, naiinis parin. hindi yata talaga maiihihiwalay ang inis pag may tao kang pinapahalagahan.

sa ngayon, gusto ko muna na chill lang.

as always...

chill.


Written by cinderellaareus at 03:33 PM.

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Friday, February 16, 2018

Ms. Chill

Been out of the cage since the week started. To say that I'm exhausted is an understatement.

Just got back to cage last Thurs. When Partner saw me, he immediately reported, "za*i*a no koto ga suki no hito ga iru"—or something that goes to that line. Today, someone actually announced it using a more understandable language. They're probably just joking. I still feel sorry for the guy. He can't seem to look at me since then.

Naalala ko lang bigla si Mr. Chill. Maybe what made me like him then was because we're somewhat alike. Chill. I wonder how it would be like if I'd actually end up with the first person that I've ever asked the Heavens for.


Written by cinderellaareus at 09:55 PM.

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Friday, October 27, 2017

I am a master of my emotions

This is one of my favorites from Og Mandino's scroll. When Joey de Leon's depression related comment was still hot, I wasn't one of those who cried foul because I think there is some truth to that idea. It was just that Joey didn't wrap his idea/comment in a better package. We are all about packages these days, aren't we?

Before I start feeling bad again, well, yeah, I remember the scroll. That 'I am a master of my emotions' thingy. Last night before I slept, I went to parents' room. Mom was eating peanut butter sandwich and I took a bite, then suddenly things weren't so bad anymore. I think the world can fall apart, but as long as I'm with the people I love, kahit ano pa yan, kaya ko yan.

There will be an event today. I feel far from wanting to socialize, but I already said yes.

The world demands so much of me lately. Did I sign up for this? Maybe I did. 

When down with 2 choices, what will you choose? Live with it until you hate it? Or just leave?


Written by cinderellaareus at 08:01 AM.

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