Tuesday. April 3, 2018

11:20 thoughts

Inaantok na ko kaya mabilis lang to.

Nagpagupit si Heneral ng mega ikli. Dahil super idol ko yun, parang gusto ko na tuloy magpagupit. Kaso yung crush ko mahilig sa mahaba buhok. Char.

Ang galing ni Heneral. Sobrang brilliant nya. Pero bukod sa galing nya, hat's off din ako sa pagkatao nya. 

Yung mga taong nilu lookup daw naten ang clue sa kung anong bagay tayo talagang passionate.

Sa totoo lang, i feel like life, or just parts of it, is falling apart. Siguro kaya hindi ko maayos yung mga magulo kasi inaayos ko sya from the outside instead from the inside.

Kailangan naming mag heart to heart talk ang sarili ko.

Now, I'm hopeful.

Please, pray for me.


Written by cinderellaareus at 11:30 PM.

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* * * *

Tuesday. April 3, 2018

Four

916. It's been a long day. I'm kinda feeling sad, i need to write.

Will be back to the cage tomorrow. My problems in and out of the cage probably didn't get fixed on their own, so I will have to face them all again tomorrow.

Ano bang gagawin ko?

-----------

A few months since i became a member, i was elected to be an officer right away. Been an officer since. In 2 years I've only experience being an ordinary member for a few mos that I'm not so sure if i remember how it would be like.

I told the people closest to me sa club that i don't want to run na. I think they understand. 

A few more meetings and im handling over my vpe position. Sa totoo lang, petix sa office so in a way, i found delight na at least, sa club, meron akong ginagawa. Without my position, I'm probably going back to being perpetually petix again.

Mejo nakakalungkot din. 

Pero sana with this, totoong magamit ko ung extra time ko to fix my life.

August ang target ko. Lord knows how much I want to free myself. Araw araw ko talagang kukulitin ang langit para dito.

Sighs...

Parang ang corni maging ordinary member ulet. Tsaka sigurado akong sasama ang loob ko pag hindi nila ko inonominate at iboboto even thou i practically asked them not to. Ang labo ko di ba?/lol.

...

August...

Sighs...

Oh, God, please....


Written by cinderellaareus at 09:47 PM.

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* * * *

Monday. April 2, 2018

Asdfghjkl

When I was in college, feeling ko ang pinakapainful parts ata ng college life ko e yung bigayan ng class cards. Madalas kasi square root lang naman ng klase yung pumapasa, at dahil most of the subjects e prerequisite ng next, ibig sabihin, pag may bumagsak sa classmate ko, hindi mo na sila magiging classmates sa mga future subjects nyo.

Kung may isang bagay na hindi ako magaling, yun e seeing people go.

Club renewals over and the nomination for the next officers just started. On the same time of the year last year, naalala ko na mejo excited ako. Pero ngayon.... Feeling ko, bigayan ng classcard.

Regardless of what's right and what's wrong, i still feel like we ousted a family member and this is really breaking my heart. But what's there to do?

----------

A lot of things hurting me lately. Naalala ko lang yung isa sa mga principles ng Stoicism na "amor fati"... " love the life that you were given". 

Kung iisipin ko, sa tingin ko, I love my life naman. Siguro sadyang nalulungkot lang talaga ko.

Naalala ko kasi yung mga bagay na hiniling ko pero hindi binigay ng langit. Kung tutuusin, mas marami naman sa mga dasal ko yung dininig kesa sa hindi. Hindi ko alam kung baket ba ang emo emo ko ngayon. Kakatapos lang ng red days ko kaya sigurado akong hindi to pms.

Pero siguro dapat lang na finefeel ang feelings.

Lord, I'm hurting. Nakalimutan po ata akong balikan ng mga assistants mo dyan sa langit.

Hello, Lord...

-----------

Watched "ready player one" today and i liked it so much that I'm worried i won't be able to like the movie we'll be watching tomorrow because today's movie had set the bar high.

Ang ganda ang ready player one. Panoorin nyo!

-----------

Some days, i feel like maybe i really want to be with you.

Some days, i feel like we aren't really going anywhere.

Then most days, i feel like maybe I'm really better off alone.

...

Bakit ang complicated ng buhay pag may taong involved?


Written by cinderellaareus at 07:56 PM.

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* * * *

. March 29, 2018

Pag yaman ko

Sabi kasi, imbis daw na maging driven kang makatakas sa gusto mong takasan, dapat ang drive mo e galing dun sa gusto mong puntahan.

Ano bang gagawin ko pag mayaman na ko?

Siguro papa ombre ako ng buhok. Papa treatment ko na rin para gumanda. Syempre, isasama ko si mama para parehas naming lalong gumanda. 

Gusto ko rin gumala. Pero ako lang mag isa. Gusto ko yung tahimik. Tapos may dagat. Bigla ko tuloy namiss yung Boracay. Bakit kaya may tahimik feel ang dagat kahit di naman talaga? 

Gusto kong bumili ng Dr. Martens na boots kahit hindi ko sure kung may kasya ba saken.

Gusto ko rin mag aral ng acting. Wala lang, para gumaling na ko sa pag dedeliver ng speech.

Tapos aattend ako ng discon sa cebu. Gusto ko ma meet si dananjaya. Shet! Kailangan ko pala talagang umattend ng discon. Huhu.

Gusto ko rin tumira sa cebu for a while. Kakain sa zubuchon kahit meron naman na sa megamall.

Pupunta ko sa parang castle na simbahan sa sibonga.

Gusto ko lang siguro mag isip isip.

Kahit sa imagination ko, inclined parin sa pagtakas. Sighs... Gusto ko na yumaman.

----

Last workday of the week tomorrow. OB ang APAC so malamang kami lang ni partner. Since he doesnt really stay much, im actually looking forward to being alone. Normal ba pag ang tao eh excited maging mag-isa? I dont know.

I love silence. I also love the feeling of liberation pag nag-iisa. I do love spending time with people i like though, and I dont really hate spending time with people i dont. I just like being alone. 

Nag leave ako ng Monday and Tuesday so its my turn naman to have a long weekend.

On Sunday, mom and i will shop for new eyeglasses sa Quiapo since the ones we have is already hurting our heads. Nagbago na naman ata yung grado ko. I love Quiapo, I'm excited. Besides, the headaches have been more persistent lately. Kailangan na rin talaga. Mon and tues were scheduled for a movie day out.

Ang simple lang ng mga araw ko. Hindi pa naman kasi ako mayaman. Pero sa totoo lang, masaya rin naman ako sa ganito.

Still, sana yumaman na ko.

Gusto ko rin kasi talaga mag pa ombre. Bagay kaya saken ang pink?


Written by cinderellaareus at 07:29 PM.

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* * * *

Wednesday. March 28, 2018

so

sabi ni einstein, kung feeling mo daw, nagawa mo na lahat, feeling mo lang yun.

the past weekend was an all time high. activities and duties in business and personal life were clashing, but in the end, naayos naman ang lahat. siguro nga totoong hindi dapat pinoproblema ang problema at siguro mas mainam na minsan hayaan mo ang problema na problemahin ang sarili nya. lol.

ang saya ko lang nung unang beses na may umorder sa shop ko sa Lazada. Feeling ko kasi, 'wow, this is it! mabebenta na na parang hotcakes ang paninda ko'... tapos after non, ayun kahit view, wala. lol.

pag feeling mo nagawa mo na lahat, feeling mo lang yun.

--------

the club's been pretty messed up yesterday. there's some issue that's starting to get out of hand. i wish i can tell the details here.

kung kagabi ko siguro sinulat to, ang dami ko pang nasabi, pero kasi parang humupa na naman yung issue. still, sana maging maayos lahat. malapit na rin kasi mag May. 7th anniversary na namin. kung ako ang masusunod, gusto ko sana na kumpleto kami. pero kasi, inaalala ko rin yung taong affected. ang g*go rin kasi ni..... sighssss! bakit ba ang complicated ng buhay pag may taong involved?

kung saken siguro ginawa yun, things will be a whole lot different. kung may ipinagpapasalamat ako from getting old, siguro yun e on how the years in my age thought me to handle as*holes like a pro.

--------

speaking of getting old. damang dama ko na bes...

bilang holy week, i've been sparing a few minutes sa chap every morning. ang ganda ganda ng vibe sa chap pag holy week. feeling ko nga nandun talaga si God. i love the chap, but i love it so much more pag holy week.

dahil din dito nalaman ko na nasa point na talaga ako ng buhay ko na pag luluhod ako sa pew to complete entire rosary, sumusuko na yung tuhod ko. ang hirap tumayo, teh. wah! old age. huhu.

--------

ang sarap ng tulog ko lately. kahet mejo late narin talaga ko natutulog kakalaro ng cellphone, at least nakakatulog parin ako ng maayos.

all my life, ive been used to the kind of love that gives sleepless night.

may klase rin pala ng love that will keep you sound asleep and well-rested. I like the latter so much better.

--------

"tita, hugas ako kamay," she said.

i took a tabo full of water. cutely, she picked the small piece of soap from the soap holder.

she then cutely rubbed the soap onto her cute little hands.

she motioned to me that she's ready to rinse her hands, so i let her.

i cant understand why those hands so tiny require 3 tabos full of water to rinse. not one, not two, but three!

once finished, she cutely glanced at me asking for a 4th tabo. painfully, i had to say no. she will then cutely walk towards the laundry basket and cutely wipe her cute little hands dry.

she cutely walked away towards the dining table after that.

sighs... i love that girl so much. i wonder if my kaitlyn can ever do anything without being cute.

it just made me wonder... will i ever be a mother too one day?

.....

i wasnt even that keen on getting married until i realized how compatible our values are and the things we like. i remember i liked you because i once saw R in you. i no longer do. still, compatibility didnt work for me back then. i dont know how can it work for me now.

pero siguro, hindi ko naman  talaga dapat iniisip tong mga bagay na to sa ngayon.


Written by cinderellaareus at 03:46 PM.

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* * * *

Thursday. March 22, 2018

pcs

A lot of things are breaking my heart today that i'm surprised i'm even standing.

pero sa tingin ko talaga PMS lang to. pak this.

lakas ko pa kumain kung kelan i plan to wear swimsuit sa outing namin this sat.

pero keber. magsi swimsuit ako. sana lang kasya.

namimiss ko na mag swimming. the last time i swim was 2 weeks ago.

------

we handed one of our pups to his new owner. soon, the others will go too, leaving only my riri behind.

the new owner of the 1st pup lives just accross the house so everytime i hear a wailing animal, i go crazy.

this is just so heartbreaking. i know mom's heartbroken too. if only we can give them a better life here. T_T

------

"Savings namin un ni Zah. Sabi ko sa kanya mag** ulit sya dun para makaipon kami."

a friend sent me a screenshot from the convo she had with the boy.

The "kami ni zah" joke. Bow.

sighs.

pag kami lang, hindi naman sya ganyan kalandi.

alam ko naman joke lang.

pero di ba, jokes are half meant?

still, joke parin.

...

putek, nako confuse ako.

ayoko na nga.


Written by cinderellaareus at 03:34 PM.

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* * * *

Monday. March 19, 2018

Drama and blessed

An fb friend posted something like, "kung tutusin, lahat naman tayo blessed. Madrama lang talaga tayo."

I cannot agree more.

------

Got to the office on time.

Partner helped me attend to some painful customer. The issue was resolved in the end.

When I got off the bus on my way home, Mom and Kaitlyn were waiting for me.

Sis-in-law cooked sopas and it was so good.

BFF said she'll buy a swimsuit from my swimwear line.

My beautiful cousins said they will too.

Alam ko. Blessed ako. I am greatful.

I just can't explain this unhappiness. This dissatisfaction. And disappointment.

Probably the time of the month.

Siguro din, namimiss lang kita. As much as i want to have you have a taste of your own medicine, it sucks that the thought of you hurting hurts me too. 

Sa isa sa mga paborito kong kdrama, may isang lalaking nagtanong dun sa bidang lalaki kung paano daw magiging kasing cool nya para sya rin maging popular sa girls. Ang sagot nung bida, ang cool daw e yung taong nagmamahal ng malaya. Nagmamahal na hindin nagho-hold back out of fear na baka sya yung higit na nagmamahal kesa dun sa other person.

Gets ko ung point. I think, what messes up loving e pride. Pero puteeek, ang hirap kasi nung wala yung pride. Ewan.

Sabi sa talk show na napanood ko noon, hindi mo daw masasabing nagmamahal ka kung hindi ka nasasaktan. Tingin ko hindi naman laging ganun. Hindi DAPAT laging ganun.

Kaya kanina, dumaan ako sa chap bago umuwi. Twing dinadapuan ako ng lungkot, feeling ko sinasadya lang yun ni God dahil gusto Nya kong makausap. Kanina i asked the Heavens for a love na hindi masakit.

Wala lang.

Para maiba naman.


Written by cinderellaareus at 09:44 PM.

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* * * *

Sunday. March 18, 2018

Not funny

So i slept super late last night. Tipong umaga na. Mga 2AM. Tas as I slept, i woke up because I've lost the feel of the pillow under my head. Pag gising ko, i found every single pillow I have on my bed (i have 4) neatly piled up beside me.

I WAS SLEEPING ALONE. And I don't pile up my pillows that way.

This is not funny. Huhu. T_T

------------

"Best feeling is when you just naturally click with a person. Talking all day, every day, no forceful conversation, laughs, attention. They are worth their weight in gold, don’t lose them." —Samantha Lee Loper 

Well, I tried.


Written by cinderellaareus at 06:14 PM.

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* * * *

Tuesday. March 13, 2018

rummage

Some old sheesh i got from the trash (mula sa jurassic era pa). i kinda enjoy reading this. gave me a good laugh. lol.

(70) <his name here>

(69) Ingat pretty : )

(68) (Hahaha)

(67) ganda mo kanina kaya nadidistract ako. hahaha

(66) uy baka napipikon ka ah.. alaskador lang ako talaga. mahilig kasi ako mag said ng alaska condensed milk nung bata pa ko hahaha

(65) oo eh... hahaha

(64) Di ah... pretty ka naman...

(63) kung di nga lang bawal baka inaya na kita lumabas hahaha

(62) Peeaccee : p san ka na?

(61) Nakasakay ka na?

(60) Yeah... pero cant be... mahirap na... hahaha baka may masabi ang madlang people...

(59) saka baka mag ***n ka pa ako pa masisi hahahaha

(58) hoy... baka mag ***n ka ha loka lolsss

(57) pero alam mo... dapat sumama ka sa t*@ b@!#ng para na idisplay mo yung pinag dietan mo. hahaha. pisss ; p

(56) hahaha di naman

(55) wak ka muna magtt... baka nasa jeep ka pa or nag aantay ng masasakyan

(54) *txt

(53) hahaha... nice... san k na?

(52) question...

(51) If wala ka bf... kelan ka last nag ka bf?

(50) hahaha speechless o na agaw ang celfone? : p joke

(49) hahaha... are you seeing some right now or maybe seeing someone exclusive? nakkss pang miss pilippines mga tanong ah hahaha...

(48) ohhh? ok...

(47) hmm... wala naman...

(46) complicated ako masyado siguro eh...

(45) why? what do you mean you thought so?

(44) oo nga... kaya nga ok lang ako ng hang out and have company of friends or girl buddies ko once in a while

(43) kahit ikaw naman siguro di ka makikipag sa katulad ko hahaha... at ma#@!* mo pa hahaha

(42) hahaha yun nga eh...

(41) eh ikaw bat wala kang bf?

(40) ahhh

(39) masyado k pla seryoso... ako binabaling ko n lang sa #o*&... if may girl n natipuhan... ill see her and hang out. if hindi nag click eh di wala

(38) oo naman... enjoy while it last and if it clicks- go - pag hindi no one to blame...

(37) mas preferred ko yung ganun... everytime i see someone naman i make sure na sya lang and im honest

(36) umuulan na ulet

(35) why? recently ba you had a guy na ganyan ang setup nyo?

(34) hmnn why? tama ba ko?

(33) sorry to ask... nagkaron knb ng relationship with a married guy?

(32) wala lang... akala ko lang...

(31) nope. you're not... and i dont mind if you had a past relationship like that... no one should mind about it... were adults and its a decision someone made so respect na lang.

(30) sa isang banda... pano kung sinabi ko na you're giving me that kind of impression? magagalit ka ba?

(29) haha men will be men... we have this instinct and likes na there something great with women na tahimik : )

(28) no offense

(27) haha which question?

(26) ahh so **** ka pang naging guy na married and i guess its *** in your head *&* in your w%^&dest dreams haha

(25) yeah what?

(24) hahaha

(23) malayo ka pa ba sa inyo?

(22) hahaha... ok...

(21) na iimagine ko yung dimples mo hahaha

(20) theyre nice...

(19) hahaha just keep this conversation between the 2 of us and a#@ p@#*&! and w@!^% at the same time at ****.

(18) haha meron naman sa tingin ko hahaha

(17) pero na distract mo ko kanina ah... kase eh. lakas ng dating mo saken kanina... and your lips... hahaha man! kaka tuwa na nakakagigil. hahaha peaccee

(16) keep it that way..

       yung lagi kang smiling

       pretty ka naman eh

(15) hahaha i guess ok na suggestion yan...

(14) and which part is scary? kaloka ka hahaha

(13) hahaha...

(12) dont be mad at me on this... pero i think youre a great kisser (may nag sabi na ba sayo?)

(11) hahaha well... id like to try to find out

(10) pero di naman syempre pede di ba?

(9) : p

(8) (di na nag reply)

      hehehe churi naman...

      galet?

(7) lasing? hindi ah...

     hindi naman ako pala inom... anong mejo?

(6) mejo galet ka? hehehe sorry

(5) hahaha tange..

      seryoso yun... kakain ko nga lang eh

(4) bawal eh... saka wala sa isip mo yung mga ganung bagay...

(3) layo ka pa?

(2) ayt...

----

(1) Good morning! san kana po? wak ma le $@!% ah.

---------------------

Kahit ano pang language yan, isa lang ang interpretation ko sa silence.

I'm pretty sure you heard it when I said I prefer that over setting things clear. Na I want to keep my pride intact.

So, ayan na ba yon?

Ok. Gets ko.


Written by cinderellaareus at 03:28 PM.

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* * * *
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