Mini goals
Saturday: January 6, 2018



I was looking at old photos. 

I miss my long hair and those days when I still can wear body-hugging outfits.

I want to bring these back.

Dr. Atkins and I need to talk.

I also promise never to do anything stupid to my hair until it reaches a certain length and from there, parang gusto ko ng beach wave. Pag-iipunan ko to.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 09:49 PM.

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1:52
Saturday: January 6, 2018



I walked up to the boy and told him right in the face, "tatalunin kita."

We were around 20. He was the smartest dude in class and while everyone else were either failing or barely holding on to their precious 3.0, he was there getting highest scores and winning quiz bees.

The guy just smiled looking amused.

In my dictionary, "tatalunin kita" means "I really like you a lot kaso masyado kang magaling kaya gagalingan ko rin para hindi naman ako masyadong alangan sayo".

Fast forward last year and another boy told me the same line, "tatalunin kita". I laughed because he probably didn't have the idea on what that line translates to.

-------

Contest time again. When the year started, I told myself to get rid or avoid any distractions and focus on my goal of getting myself out of the sh*thole that I'm in. Pero nakakamiss yung adrenaline rush. Nakakamiss yung contest spirit. Ang sakit sa puso na hindi ako sasali. 

Sana ayusin nalang ng Langit lahat ng mga problema ko for me. Alam ko namang naririnig Nya. Hindi ko lang alam kung ibibigay Nya.

-------

Hindi ako dense. Pansin ko naman. Weird na mejo natutuwa pa ko. Na realize ko kasi na dalawa lang naman yan.

If you will hate me, that means, you love me.

If you don't love me, then you cannot hate me.

Jeez, what a concept. Lel. 

Minsan ang baseless din talaga ng mga pananaw ko sa buhay.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 01:47 AM.

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2018 and other sh*ts
Tuesday: January 2, 2018



Watched Siargao. It wasn't good. But out of it came an old idea I held a few months back.

Running away.

I had/have this crazy idea of leaving everything behind, go to Cebu and live and work there for a few months or maybe a year or so.

I think there were many times in my life where I lived a life I wanted to run away from. This is one of those times.

---------

I started to hate how things are.

How do you cure hate? How do you kill hate?

I don't think hate is the opposite of love because if love has an opposite, it must be indifference. And sometimes love and hate are just two sides of the same coin. Is it possible to kill hate without killing the love attached to it?

I don't know. 32 years of living and I'm still not an expert when it comes to life.

---------

2017 had been more about people and less about things. For my own sanity, I wonder if I should make 2018 the other way around.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 07:00 PM.

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Remember me
Tuesday: December 26, 2017



Coco's Remember me playing on loop. I didn't know the audio player of my phone has this feature until now. Few days since I watched it and i want to watch it again. Ang ganda ng coco. May kakaiba pa syang "aftertaste". Lalong gumaganda sa memory mo after mo mapanuod, ganun. Or is it just me?

May way ba na naka loop e 2 songs? Gusto ko rin kasi yung Un poco loco. Bale Remember me tas Un poco loco on loop. Pwede ba sa audio player ng android yun? Any techies here? : )

------

Hermit mode on. Truth is, i don't really want to watch too much movies/series because I feel like these are killing my braincells, but that's the only way I can block the outside world–having my headphones on with the volume turned up. Wala naman akong issue sa mga taong kasama ko. I just need peace. Yun lang naman. Ang antisocial ko no?

I don't know why I'm this withdrawn lately. PMS?

------

MMFF started. I'd love to watch it 8/8 pero kasi, una, wala akong pera. Pangalawa, parang ayoko ng vic sotto at vice ganda, no offense. For sure pinaghirapan naman un ng mga gumawa ng film, mejo nauumay lang ako kasi lagi nalang sila.

Kahit wala akong pera panonoorin ko yung Larawan. Nakita ko ung trailer nung nanood ako ng Coco. Mukhang promising. I need to hurry up though kasi sabi nila ipu pull out na raw kasi hindi kumikita. Bakit kaya wala pang say si Heneral about this? Huhu. I hope more people will watch this soon. Sana talaga maabutan ko.

Gusto ko rin panoorin yung 5 pang iba. Bale 6 panonoorin ko. I'm trying to convince Dad na ilibre ako. Hehe. Sighs, why am I so poor? Lol.

I want to change things sa 2018. Alam ko, wala narin akong masyado choice talaga.

Oh Lord, help me.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 10:39 PM.

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25
: December 25, 2017



Was your Christmas merry?

I spent the last 3 days with headache that my Christmas was just a series of eating and sleeping and eating and sleeping. I think i haven't slept and ate this much in a while. I know that these are just symptoms of the real issue that no one has to know.

Ugh, shoot. My head still hurts.

-----

For the last few years, my usual visitor every Christmas was Ana. One of her 4 children, Mauel, is my inaanak. Today, I had other visitors aside from Ana and her kids: Injan, husband and their baby boy, my inaanak, Xyrus. It sure damaged my wallet to the point that it seems to need a CPR already, but still I was happy I was able to see them.

It's such a huge thing, marriage, building a family, having kids and so on. I've seen how it changed my friends' and my brother's life and it's no where near fancy that's why it buffles me why people are pressuring me to get married when even their own married life doesn't look that much appealing.

But it sure can get lonely though at times. I guess, maybe, we all need to have something that we can call our own. Gaya nung unang beses na nagkaron ako ng cellphone. Mom had a cellphone then that never ran out of load and i can use it anytime. Pero iba parin pag sayo yung phone. Pede mo palitan yung housing. Lagyan ng backlight. Pwede mo ihagis pag feel mo or kaya pag pikon na pikon ka na sa mundo, pwede mong pagbuburahin lahat ng laman ng phonebook mo. Sayo e.

Iba kasi yung sayo. 

Sa tingin ko, may namimiss lang akong ilang mga bagay bagay.

-------

I might meet Gabby to work on the club sched a few days from now. Maybe the other officers will be there too. I will be seeing bff and the boyfie soon too. Truth is, I'm not really looking forward to any of these. Kasi kahit na parang hindi mabuti para sa emotional health ko, i think i just want to be alone for now.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 11:31 PM.

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Birds of a feather
Monday: December 18, 2017



"Pag ikaw ang nag recommend ng movie, *&%, pinapanood ko talaga." 

This sent my eyebrows flying to the roof. See, I'm a woman too. That can't be entirely innocent. Oh please! Tsk.

...

Ang daming malandi sa mundo mo, nakakapikon.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 08:51 PM.

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Coco, Gong Yoo, etc.
Sunday: December 17, 2017



I'm trying to read. it's been a while since the last time I've been home on a weekend like this. I'm just a simple soul. I remember my definition of a perfect day was sitting on a couch or on a bed with a good book on my lap and my dog next to me. since my dog left me a year ago, I can't have that perfect day anymore. but then maybe I can invent another definition of a perfect day, right?

yesterday, brother thought of bringing kaitlyn to the cinema and have her watch a movie for the first time in big screen. The movie of choice was Coco, but when I showed her the trailer of the movie, she wasn't so thrilled. We didn't know Coco has skeletons among the characters so I ended up watching the movie by myself.

I love watching movies alone. The darkness offers freedom; to be yourself, to do as you please; without having to worry on how you would look like or if you're causing trouble to other people. Whenever I watch movies, I often pick the topmost seat at the premier section nearest the aisle. That's where the best view is kasi. But I remember whenever I watch movie with Gabby and the gang, he would always pick seats nearer the screen, in the economy section even. When I asked him why, he said something like, "para hindi tayo nadidistorbo pag may dumadaan." So yesterday, I gave it a try. I sat at a seat at the economy section, near the aisle and farthest from the screen. True enough there were very few people sat there. Very few distractions and it was very peaceful that it more the compensated the so-so view. I guess I'd consider watching at the economy section more often.

I loved Coco. I realized that maybe the reason why someone liked it too was because he kind of looks like the boy in that movie. Lel.
Masaya sana if Kaitlyn will get to watch thid movie rin. If only she is not so scared of mumu, she'll probably like this too. Maybe when she gets older. Hopefully.
----------
Weekend last week, ang daming ganap. Much like the other weekends before that. I was multitasking so I can barely focus on anything else, that's why when his message came, I got to see only the last too lines and i then hit the like button. It was only 3 days later that I noticed the previous messages. Puteeek, ang lamig ng sagot ko.

The boy turned 31 just recently. Unlike the previous years, he now looks happy. In a way, ok na rin even if his happiness has nothing to do with me. I wish that he'll be taken care of, that boy can be a little too sensitive at times kasi.

I still remember things. I remember, he used to text every time he had a haircut only to ask if I liked it or not. Ang mean pa ng mga sagot ko non. I never told him how I've always liked his hair.

Over the years, I think I was able to develop my maturity. Maybe I've gained wisdom too. Funny just when I feel like I am now finally capable of taking care of someone else, that "someone else" that I wish to take care of is already beyond my reach. 

Ok lang naman.
-------
Currently watching the kdrama, Goblin. I've tried to avoid Kdrama because I've seen some of my friends got eaten alive by this monster. I've been watching the series for a market research, pero putek, ang hirap palang hindi makain ng sistema ng kdrama. Ang hirap hindi mahalin si Gong Yoo!!!! To make up for my sucky love life, Universe, pwede bang saken nalang si Gong Yoo? Hahahaha!
Few episodes left. After this, awat na muna sa kdrama, Z.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 11:39 AM.

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Random thoughts
Sunday: December 10, 2017



1. I saw people who changed their preferences in their adulthood and dreaded what if this will happen to me too? Not that I have issues with people like this.  I just don't want to have a life that complicated. Pero right now, puteeeek, sa landi kong to, I don't think so. 

2. I arrived not paying much attention since I was feeling sick. He flashed his signature smile and motioned me to sit beside him. Then, picture time. I couldn't fit in the frame so he grabbed me by the waist, pulling me closer to him.

Oh boy, careful on that side...

3. Yearend party over yet peace is still out of sight. Maybe in a few days. 

4. Saw that Fr. Mario is back in RP. He'll probably go back to Italy again so I've got to make the most of his days–hopefully weeks–here. I'll be reserving all my Wednesday for this. Sana nandun sya. 

5. Sa tingin ko nagegets ko na kung ano ang problema ko and why I was crying. When I was younger,  naisip ko na langing may paraan. Na pag may bagay kang gusto at kung pagsusumikapan mo talaga, makukuha mo. On rare occasions na hindi mo madaan sa effort, meron ka paring isa pang alas; ask the Heavens. Di ba wala namang imposible sa langit? As I grew older, na realize ko na hindi ata ganun. I still believe na walang imposible sa Langit. But when you're an adult,  things can be a whole lot complicated. At may mga bagay pala na kahit gusto mo, hindi mo susubukang kunin. At kahit alam mong pwede namang ibigay ng Langit, hindi mo parin hihingin. 

6. I'm missing some of my friends na bihira ko nang makita. Neri is one of my favorite friends in this lifetime. Was chatting with her about our all-time favorite topic: boys. I was sending her a picture of some boy that I thought she might find interesting. Nasa bus ako non and I was halfway through writing the caption when, so sobrang likot ng bus, I accidentally sent it to our club officer's group chat. It was a lupa-lamunin-mo-ko moment. Worst part, kilala nila yung boy. 

7. I checked my weight at a mall yesterday and found that I'm 10 kilos heavier than I was 4 years ago.

TEN. EFFING. KILOS.

PAK. 

8. Siguro, sa ideal world, makakagawa ako ng 3 speeches in 4 weeks to complete my CC and level 1 before March ends. Nasan ba yang ideal world na yan? 

9. Tinatamad akong mag BSP10 ulet. 

10. Ok,  wala na ko maisip. 

11. Ja~



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Written by cinderellaareus at 07:40 PM.

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Nakanaide
Thursday: December 7, 2017



4 na oras kong tiniis ang wiwi ko para matapos ko yung ginagawa kong online shop. Naalala ko nung una akong nagtayo ng online shop. Akala ko non, mabebenta na parang hotcakes ang paninda ko. 4 failed online businesses later, now i know better. Nakakatakot. Pero at least alam ko sa sarili ko na sinusubukan ko parin.

Maganda ring diversion pag busy. This is the only thing that's keeping me from crying. Pero siguro ang luha na gustong lumabas, dapat pinapalabas. Parang jebs? 2-3 hours ang byahe ko pauwi. Ang hirap maging busy pag nasa loob ka ng bus so mahirap pigilang mag-isip. Ang hirap hindi umiyak. Ang nakakainis sa luha e yung pag may pumatak n na isa, magsusunuran na yung iba. Tas kahit magmakaawa ka na, "tama na please. Awat na," tutulo parin sila. Naiinggit ako sa mga taong pag umiyak e pagkapunas ng luha, parang wala nang nangyari. Hindi kasi ganun saken. Pag umiyak ako, 30 minutes na lumipas, mukha parin akong bagong iyak. Worst part e the following day, mamaga yung mata ko at magmumukha akong frog. Timing, may yearend party kami bukas.

Halfway na ko ng byahe ayaw parin paawat ng mata ko. Unli? Bakit ba ko umiiyak?

I sent my message and was met with silence. It wasn't the first time and I'm not the type who would demand reaction to anyone. I guess what's painful was that I knew that this won't be the last and that maybe this will always be like this from now on. I remembered the louder days. I guess that was what's making me cry. See, I'm crying again. Putek.

I've been in situations way tougher, pero ayoko ng ganito. Tumitiklop talaga ko sa ganito. The last time I felt like this, I left. Hindi ko kasi talaga kaya yung ganito. But i can't leave now. I can't leave prematurely because that would cause suspicions, it might make things worst. I have to stay put for the next three months and it's killing me already.

I already told the Heavens. I've already done everything in my power to fix things. Now, He have to do the rest I guess.

I wish that He will also make me stop crying. I hate how I have so very little control of my tear ducts.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 10:02 PM.

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