土曜日. May 11, 2019

Tulog. Gusto ko ng tulog.

10:08pm now. Was at Elvin's party earlier, I feel like I'm on food coma. Promise, last na eating splurge na to. I want to do something about my weight already.

APE yesterday. Nothing changed. I still hate it. I learned though that I'm already 17kilos aways from my usual weight. 17 effin kilos. Ayawan na.

Jay's speech last night was about SMART goals and it somehow motivated me to change some things. Naisip ko rin yung nabanggit ni Tim Ferriss sa book nya before. I mean, look at Tim Ferriss. He's practically a real-life Tony Stark, minus the science fiction. Why not have it all? Magpapapayat na talaga ko!

I've decided to start commuting back home for the next 2 weeks so that I can have better food option. I've been sick since the week started and I haven't been sleeping since. Well except yesterday. It was the first in 4 days that I ever slept. I wonder what's wrong with my body.

Yesterday was nomination night for our club and I was nominated for the VPE position. I'm not alarmed. I don't think I'd win anyway.

Sa ngayon, I just want to stay chill while trying to figure out what to do with my life. It's not all bliss, but I'm still thankful because I know not all people have this same luxury.

Ano bang gusto kong gawin?

Right now, I think I just want some sleep.

------

I had a strange dream last night. There were 3 of us in the dream, ako, si Injan, and another girl, I can't remember who. One of the two was a ghost in dream. I can't remember if it was Injan or the other girl. Tas biglang nawala yung ghost na kasama namin (I think it was Injan), so I asked the other girl what happened. The other girl told me she's going to tell me a secret so I listened intently. 

The secret was....

Well, kaya daw nawala yung ghost kasi may dumaan na airplane. The airplane blew the ghost away daw. Hintay lang daw for a few days or so tas babalik na daw yung ghost.

The eff with that dream.

I haven't been hearing a lot about Injan for a long time now. I wonder if that person is okay...


10:33 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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木曜日. May 9, 2019

Nani mo nai

Having very little sleep is driving me nuts. I feel so walang gana about everything including food. Hindi ko naman kinapayat.

It rained last night. I didn't know the area could be this bad when raining. TM night tomorrow. Finally, human interaction. I wish there will be no rain.

Election long weekend in a couple days. Needed to file a leave since it's not a j-holiday. I'm eyeing Colminares since I like his stand on most of the major national issues. I also like Diokno and Gutoc. I'll probably go Otso Derecho anyway, plus Colmimares. I did try to give the others a chance naman talaga since I think it would be a good balance if we elect people who can support our highest leader, pero wala e. Sabaw talaga. If you think otherwise, please educate me, I'm open to other ideas. Mom is thinking of voting Bong Revilla. I know there's no way to talk her out of it. Please forgive my mother.

Been sick for almost a week now. Feeling ko pinagtutulungan ako ng insomnia, cough at colds.

Gusto ko na bumalik sa Cebu. Or Bohol. Or anywhere other than here.


12:27 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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水曜日. May 8, 2019

Kare no koto ni kanshite hanashitain da kedo... iya, dame da

A part of me wants to go out and meet people. Another, stronger, part just wants to catch some sleep. Goodness. 

Battling over attending some TM club kung saan isa lang ang kakilala ko. Lol. Ba't ba ko umiiwas sa kakilala? Idk.

--------

"Ang ganda ng boses mo. Para kang porn star." Not the first time I heard people say this whenever they hear me speak in Japanese. Until now I'm not so sure if this is a compliment. How the eff does a porn star sound like?

My first Japanese teacher is Yuko Sensei. Said she was 50 then, but she looked so much younger. She was the Alice-Dixon 50. Even way prettier. I remember she looked like a princess, talked like a princess, and from what I heard, yayamanin din daw si sensei. Said she's the wife of a foreign ambassador. 

Yuko sensie was one of my favorite senseis. Maybe because she always corrected me. She never stopped at my grammar. She even went as far as correcting my accent. She didn't seem as strict with my other classmates. I remember she was often like, "you're pronunciation is good... if you live in Osaka. You sound like a country girl. That's not good. Say it like a Tokyo girl. That's Japanese standard." If I sound like a porn star now, blame my Yuko Sensei. Char.

Nakakamiss din. Nasan na kaya si Yuko Sensei? Hindi ko sya mahanap sa Facebook. 

I'm kinda missing the old times when I was barely sleeping, all for good reason. Now, I'm just barely sleeping. Period.

-------

3:29PM. In half an hour, I'm off. 

Aattend ba ko or hindi? Nakakatamad.


03:33 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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火曜日. May 7, 2019

Moshikashitara

Why, it's a Tuesday and I'm back to work. All fine. I just miss the noise. Back in my place in Manda and I kinda miss being with people.

Was searching for TM clubs near the area. I just feel like expanding my world some more and meet interesting people. Iniiwasan ko lang pumunta sa TM clubs na may nakakakilala sa kin, which is weird. Idk.

Gabby is my measuring stick whenever I want to count how many people I've met through TM. He's the Division Director and former District PR. Everyone I know in TM knows him. We have 107 mutual friends now. It means I've met 107 people in TM. That's a lot considering that I have abt 600 friends only. And it's only been 3 years.

I read my entries 4 yrs back. That was before TM. I was killing myself to earn more money. Though I have no regrets, I still wish I treated myself a little kinder.

4 years. Yung goals ko noon, goals ko parin ngayon. The only difference is that, I feel a lot happier now. Though I don't have all the things I want, sa tingin ko, I still live a pretty good life.

My cousin's girlfriend posted pictures of their daughter, Amarrah. She's my inaanak and I found her very pretty. I wish the Heavens will give me a pretty daughter like her too. Kahit hindi pretty, basta normal at mabait na bata. And if the Heavens is feeling a little more generous, maybe He can also give me a son. But before all that, I would first want to have a husband. Of course.

I'm a woman who like men. Kung gwapo, or kung neat, o kaya e maganda buhok, titingin ako. Kung mabait, or talented, o kaya smart, I will flash a smile or so. Pero in the end of the day, I would want only one man. Yung sa akin. Yung sa akin lang. Someone I can be with. Alam mo yun?

Years ago when I started ignoring Parrot's messages. It was right when I started seeing him as a good guy. My reason: he's a seaman. He will always be far away and I don't like that. 

Now, he's married with a kid and his wife is very beautiful.

Parrot was the most persistent. Still, technically, hindi naman ako nasaktan nung kinasal sya. I actually felt happy for him. He's a good guy. It's good that things worked for them.

Siguro ganun naman talaga. May mga taong ok kayo pero hindi yung sitwasyon nyo, at ok lang yun.

-----

Paminsan minsan, sinisilip ko parin ang profile ni ***. I started following him again in facebook. Hindi na masakit, pero syempre naku-curious pa rin ako. In one of the entries that I backread, I wrote about not answering a friend's phone that he was calling then. It could've been a chance for us to talk after long years of silence. Will things be different kaya kung sinagot ko yung call? But then I know na kahit siguro naging ok pa kami ulet nung taong yun, I don't think we will ever end up in marriage. Hindi lang talaga kami ok as partners and it's good that he was able to find someone na ok sa kanya.

Posible rin. Baka nasakin ang problema. Realistic ba yung gusto ko?

I seek leadership from a guy. Sa aming dalawa, wala akong balak maging Alpha. He has to lead. But he has to be respectful to me as well. He can expect the same respect from me. Importante sakin yun. Respect also means he wouldn't flirt with other women behind my back. Again, kung sa akin sya, sakin lang dapat. He has to be responsible with money too. I don't dream of becoming buried in debts, I want us to work on getting rich together instead. Then, more than anything else, I will need his presence.

Now, are these too much to ask? Coz I don't really know. LOL.

I have a friend na ang hanap na lalaki e, mabango, malinis, makinis. Tas meron din syang specific religion at height requirements. Lol.

Oh wait, I do have religion requirement also. See, my dream is to build a family who go to church together. How can I do that if we go to different churches? So yeah... maybe my specs are not as generic, oh well.

Ok naman ako as is. Kung sakaling hindi ko makita yung hinahanap ko, alam kong magiging ok parin ako. Pero siguro... siguro lang naman... siguro kung makikita ko nga yun sa lifetime na to, siguro ite-treasure ko.


07:17 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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金曜日. May 3, 2019

Calm the eff down

Writing 'coz I'm quite nervous right now. Tabby, please distract me.

It's 10:30 in the evening. Are you still awake? I have 3 more days to do as I please before I get back to work. I do have a few money to spend, but energy, not so much. Also, I need to spend sparingly since I really wish to get a gold card, I need to save money.

So what are our plans from here on, Z?

If imagination is my only limit, I'll pack my bags right now and go back to Bohol. 

I just bought a new luggage I named Blue. It's colored black. The other luggage, I named Pinky. I have an old bike I named Mandy. Do you name your favorite things too? I don't know why my cellphone doesn't have a name when it's my most overused possession.

Can I just pack my bags and go to Bohol? I remember I was like this when I visited my Mom's hometown in Mindanao. I remember falling in love with the place, but before the week was over, I started aching for civilization. Miss na miss ko ang frappe nun, kahit yata Zagu, papatulan ko.

So what is our plan, Z?

I'm just waiting for the news about the insurance co that I just started involving myself with. I'm targeting my brother's old and current companies to conduct Financial Planning road show thingy. 

And then?

Well I don't know. Maybe I'll get married. LOL.

.

It's 10:45, and damn, I'm still nervous.

 


10:47 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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木曜日. May 2, 2019

Terrence and mercy

I feel like I just woke up and now it's 10:46PM. How come time flies so fast when you want it to slow down a bit?

Home now. I've been so social the past week, this introvert needs some time to recharge. That's why I can't appreciate friends' invitation to go to this and that, do this and that... plus, I also want to recover from my expenses.

PERO... gosh, we're planning to watch one of the PBA finals games. This is something I can't say no to. Crushie Terrence Romeo will be there. Antagal ko nang pangarap to!

We are yet to successfully book tix after countless attempts. Trying our luck tomorrow at smtickets outlet. Sana maging ok.

-------

I just remember the priest who presided the mass last Divine Mercy Sunday. Sobrang natuwa kasi ako sa kanya. May mga tao daw kasi na akala e hindi sya naniniwala sa hell, because he believes, well, more like hopes, that hell is empty. Kasi daw, if God is really that merciful, then it's likely na lahat e papatawarin Nya. May part sakin na naniniwalang totoo yun.

I read a religious meme earlier that said something like, "they are fine... but not saved." Napipikon ako pag nakakabasa ako ng ganito. Yung para bang siguradong sigurado sila kung sino-sino lang ang maliligtas. Na para bang sila ang mag de-decide.

It baffles me how some people seem to rejoice at the thought that some people are going to get punished. Hindi ko talaga yun maintindihan. Suguro kasi marami rami rin talaga ang mga naging kasalanan ko. When the judgment day comes, I'll probably be one of those people who will need to beg God for mercy. Whenever I see memes like this, I imagine people looking down on me on the Judgment Day telling me, "buti nga sayo". O di ba, nakakapikon.

In my heart, I wish that our true God is more merciful than that.


11:31 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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水曜日. May 1, 2019

Labor Day Wednesday

My everything hurts. Standing, sitting, walking, kahit laughing, putek, ansakit. Every motor activity is a hard labor. Happy Labor Day.

Iniisip ko kung sinong epal ang nagdesisyon na lahat ng kwarto ng bahay namin e nasa 2nd floor. Takte, gusto ko na murahin yung hagdan. Lol. 

Ako ang nag drawing ng bahay namin.

------

Back home. Cebu and Bohol trip were nothing short of amazing. A lot of activities, very few sleep. Kahit winner yung sakit ng katawan ko, my heart is happy. 

I already reserved a slot for DisCon next year. The venue will be in Bicol. The ladies are already excited. Alam ko, marami pang pwede mangyari, pero sana maging ok lahat.

As much as I want to savor the happy feeling I brought back from my trips, naiisip ko na naman yung future.

I remember a few years ago, I had this little "what if" vision about living in Cebu and starting anew. I usually have thoughts like these when I'm brokenhearted.

But I am not brokenhearted now. And yet when we went to Bohol a few days back, I felt it again. That longing to throw what I have away and start anew somewhere else. Somewhere far. Kung tutuusin, I think I can actually do that.

----------

Z: hindi ko ayaw sa kanya, hindi ko lang sya friend.

L: hindi ka naman nagseselos sa kanila ni J?

This friend knows who I like, I wonder where this question came from.

And... am I? Lol. Ba't ba may mga tanong na hindi mo basta bastang masasagot ng "hindi".

-----------

L: kahapon pa yan ha. Magfi flirt sya sayo tas babanggitin nya yung asawa nya. Wag mo na nga sagutin yan.

J: Oo nga. Hayaan mo sya, wag mong rereplyan.

Sabi nila, mahirap daw magsalita ng tapos, but I already told my friends na wala akong gusto dun at hindi ako magkakagusto dun in the future. Iniisip ko kung ano bang inaalala nila.

------------

Our tour guide in Kawasan look so much like the "Z" in the XYZ of my caterpillar speech, I can't help but look. He's just 21.

And dear Schwarzie-girl, no that's not the dude I rode motorcycle with. Defensive lang. Lol.

Gwapong gwapo ako sa lalaking tayu tayo yung buhok. Tas yung sa kanya kahit nabasa na ng tubig, maayos parin. Again, he's just 21. Pramis, hindi ako mahilig sa bata. I just like men with  nice hair. Yun lang.

Which reminds me, gwapo pa rin si "Z" till now though his hair is thinning already. I wonder if it's just me. I would've shown his picture to my friends for verification if only our situation wasn't so complicated.

-------------

So I was able to attend the mass last Sunday, a Divine Mercy Sunday. I wrote a list for that day on what I was going the ask the Heavens mercy for. Hindi ko man lang nailabas yung list ko on the actual day. Ang daming kaganapan. Sana nakarating parin kay Jesus yung mga dasal ko.


10:53 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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土曜日. April 28, 2019

Koi to kataomoi

"Flirt si *** no?" a friend asked. I've known the guy for three years, so there's no way I wouldn't know. 

I've met a number of flirty men. They're fun, but if you're looking for something real, they should be avoided at all cost. One thing I've learned about flirty men though is that one way to know if they truly like a girl is when their actions match their words.

With that, I think our Mr. Flirty here seems to like this girl he flirts a lot with. It's just that, he's close to me so it seems like it's giving the girl the wrong idea. So I need to be all friendly to the girl so she will know we're all cool. Ano kayang kahihinatnan ng lovebirds na to?

And Lord, yung sakin po, nasan na?

--------

We were at the pool earlier. Someone took a video while ***** is pushing me up and out of the water just to annoy me. It was embarrassing but my friends were laughing and I found the whole thing really funny (though I'm hoping against hope they won't post the video). I was all cool.

With that J asked L, "Buti hindi napipikon si Zah kay ***** no?"

To which she answered, "mahal ni zah si *****."

...

I didn't expect that L will interpret it that way. I'm not sure though if she's wrong. I don't know much about loving. I mean, how would I know?

--------

So here's the situation:

There are these 2 guys I like...

And they like eachother.

Yes, 2 GUYS. Yes, EACHOTHER. You get the picture.

But I'm all cool because I've moved on from this. But see, crushes don't really disappear, you know. They usually just sleep until something triggers them to wake up. I know my triggers and I've been avoiding them for a long time now. It's just that, I'm in Cebu. I just want to enjoy. Surely, I love being with my friends, pero iba parin ang saya when you're swept with the romantic angle of the situation at kung may lalaking involved. Lol. Is it just me?

You have to know these though: 

These men are people are care about, and even if one day, the crush will die down, they will remain to be my persons. And no, even if I'll be given a wish, I wouldn't ask for any of them to end up in my arms (I'll probably wish for money instead). That would mean the other will be left hurting and I don't think want that so... I don't think I need anything, really...

Kasi naman, Universe, Just send the right man for me already.


12:47 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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木曜日. April 25, 2019

taiteru nashi

I feel like I had a coffee overdose, I wonder if I'd be able to sleep tonight.

Home now. Still battling whether to go back to metro so that ill be nearer to the airport tomorrow or head straight to the airport from my home in Bulacan. It is at  a time like this that I wish I have a jowa who can pick me up or at least help me carry my things. When Dad was still well, he did all that for me that was why I never needed any. He actually volunteered to send me to the airport but Mom and I decided against it since he's too weak already. 

--------

J: May period ako. Huhu.

Z: Ako rin! Sana wala na to by Tuesday. Ayoko mag Kawasan nang naka napkin.

L: Katatapos lang ng period ko. Cheer ko kayo. Lol.

God didn't give me sisters, but He gave me girl-friends so it never really felt like I don't. Why, I love these women.


12:48 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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私の名前はZです。


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