Stars
月曜日: October 24, 2022



Days have been a little lonelier than usual. Nung high-school ako, nagkaron kami ng play. Isa lang ako sa mga 3 kings na dadalaw kay baby Jesus, pero kinailangan ko paring sumama sa overnight para mag practice.

Naalala ko nakaupo ako sa labas sa bakuran ng bahay ng kaklase ko. Bigla kong napansin na ang ganda ng stars. Ang naisip ko at that time, ang saya siguro kung may kasama akong tumitingin ng stars na lalaking romantically special sakin. I was probably around 16 at that time. I think I didn't change much. I still feel the same from time to time.

-----

Was chatting with a high-school classmate just a few minutes back. He's teasing me about an old crush. I remember another classmate was doing the same thing before. Bakit alam ng buong klase yung crush ko nung hs? Sa pagkakaalala ko e mahiyain ako nung bata.

I no longer feel the same way, so super keber lang. Still, I don't want to speak ill of the guy. Hindi nya naman kasalanan na naging crush ko sya. Hindi na ko nag explain. Hindi ko na rin dineny. Hinayaan ko nalang syang asarin ako. Well, matatanda na kami. Wala na rin point. 

Tokwa, 3 years nalang at 40 na ko. Hanggang ngayon, gusto ko parin ng makakasamang tumingin ng stars.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 11:14 PM.

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Escape
金曜日: October 21, 2022



Sleepy day at work. I should've slept early. I wonder if I'll finish all the good BL mangas in this lifetime.

---

Tita left last night after a long vacation here in Luzon. When I came to our sala this morning, she was no longer there. I thought I'd feel a little sad whatsoever. I didn't. Tita is an unmarried woman. It must be sad not having anyone miss you, or at least a little sad when you're no longer around.

My niece and nephew are sweet, clingy kids. They seem to love me now, but I'm not sure if they will remain that way once they get older. Iniisip ko kung naiinggit ba ko sa mga kakilala at kaibigan kong bumuo na ng sarili nilang pamilya... pero hindi e. Hindi talaga. Sa totoo lang, hindi ko maintindihan kung saan nanggagaling ang dissatisfaction na ito.

---

Ang mahal na ng pamasahe. Around bente yung itinaas. Yung dating 65 sa ordinary bus, 80 na ngayon. Yung 75 sa aircon, 92 na ngayon. Imagine kung minimun wager ka tas araw araw kang nagkocommute sa ganito? Ubos sa pamasahe yung sahod mo. Nakakaawa rin talaga.

Kahapon, nakasabay ko sa elevator pauwi yung workmate ko na binoto si baby em. Natanong ko lang naman yung sa carousel. Sabi nya kasi hanggang sa December daw libre pa ang sakay sa carousel, sabay banat nang, "wala e, galing kasi ng binoto ko e".

Nakakasuka.

Pero alam mo, sabi sa nabasa ko, lahat naman ng  tao e merong bad side. Ang mahalaga e kung good sya sayo. Tingin ko, may point naman, kaya ok lang.

---

Pag yumaman ako, magtatayo ako ng underground na mala-Avengers headquarters. Mang he-headhunt ako ng mga individuals na magaling sa pakikipaglaban. Itetrain ko sila para maging superheroes na lalaban sa kasamaan.

Sa dami ng mayayaman sa mundo, meron na kayang gumagawa neto?

Sana magkaron ng alien invasion, tas kikidnapin nila lahat ng masasama, then torture train them until they get reformed into a better human beings, bago sila ibalik sa earth.

Tokwa, bukod sa super heroes at alien invasion, may pag-asa pa ba tayo? Pinipilit ko naman, pero ang hirap palang hindi mainis sa nga taong patuloy paring naniniwalang tama ang sinoportahan nila. 

But freedom means allowing people to have their opinion. And I love freedom. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

I need to read more BL.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 09:55 AM.

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Kachitai
土曜日: October 15, 2022



Took a day off on Saturday for a dental visit. Considering that it's 12:16AM now, that's technically today. I'm also going to meet some relatives. Tito, who works in Middle East, just came back for a quick visit. Mom said they recommended Tito to treat us in Dampa. It's a seafood restaurant near our place that I've long been wanting to go to. That's actually the sole reason why I've decided to join. Sa totoo lang, I'm not thrilled to see Tito.

It's not like he's a bad uncle or anything. It's just that, he's like this typical aged relative who often choose to criticize their pamangkins whenever they can't find any topic to talk about. Well, he can't criticize my intellect, financial and career status, or anything similar, so he always go for my looks— my face, my make-up, my weight, my clothes, whatever, it's really annoying!

If we're not eating in Dampa, I really don't want to go. I'd rather have an extra day to read BL.

-------

I booked a place to stay for the Feastcon next month. I haven't even bought tickets yet. Lol. Yang and I will be getting premium tickets this year. I plan to treat my parents to a day tour in Okada the day before the event. The place I booked can fit 4 people, so we can all sleepover after the tour. If Mom will manage to find someone to take care of my cats, they can stay with me for 3 nights as I stay there for the event. The place is near MOA, so pwede silang mamasyal while I'm at the conference. 

I do miss going out. Pero pag naiisip ko yung hellish commute, parang gusto ko nalang mag stay sa bahay.

-------

Reading Lost In The Clouds. Not fluffy as any usual BL. Meron syang Llewellyn vive, interesting yung plot. It's still ongoing though, so I'm preparing myself na mabitin.

Gusto ko rin gumawa ng story na may ingenious plot. I always try to start with the ending. Pero 1st step palang, literal na sumasakit na ang ulo ko. Parang nakakahinayang umeffort, only to use my work as a contest entry na 18k lang ang price for champion. Lel. Gusto kong gumawa ng manga, and actually earn. Kaya ko bang mag drawing?

--------

37 na ko. I remember writing an entry as a 24-year-old back in the day. Wow, 13 years! 

Nakakatakot magplano ng buhay at this age. Ang dami kasing mga bagay na meron ako ngayon, tapos posibleng wala na pala in the near future. Siguro ganun din naman kahit nung mas bata pa ko. It's more likely to happen now though.

I was once a poor 24 year old who was looking forward to the future, and was full of enthusiasm. Ngayon, isa na kong 37 year old na laging pagod at tinatamad sa buhay, letting the days pass me by. I don't think this time of my life is bad. Siguro nasa point lang ako ng buhay na parang wala na akong mga bagay na gusto kong patunayan. Just taking things in as they come. It's really all good. But of course, I know it could be better.

Sa ngayon, saka ko na muna siguro iisipin yung iba. Gagawa muna ako ng mga isasali ko sa contest next year. As always, gusto kong manalo.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 12:52 AM.

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Love and hurt
火曜日: October 5, 2022



My birthday is fast approaching. Every single year, it had always been like this. Birthdays and Christmas always come bluer than most days of the year. It has become normal like this. 

Currently reading Murderer Lewellyn's Enchanting Dinner Invitation. It's kinda dark. Must be the cause of the mood. I've been remembering a lot of people lately. It made me wonder that maybe the love we're being deprived of, is some sort of a punishment equivalent to the accumulation of the hurt we have caused. Okay, it doesn't relate to this manhwa, but the mood is kinda similar.

Haaaaah. Will I ever be forgiven?

------

Had lab rat duties today. I feel so tired. The nurse had a hard time finding the right spot to insert the needle for blood extraction. It took 5 tries until they were able to get some blood out of me. What's worse was that they left bruises in all those 5 spots. I have bruises on both arms, and on my hand, all to get just a few amount of blood. And I need to go through this again after 3 months. I really hate this. Is there a way to make my veins thicker?

----- Update-----

It's 5am, and I just finished Murderer Lewellyn's Enchanting Dinner Invitation. Beautifully crafted story. Truly a work of art. I will never see onions the same way again. 

Thanks to the author for being kind enough not to break readers' hearts at the ending. I probably won't be able to easily recover if either Lewellyn or Shavonne died. 

Ok, now I guess I gotta sleep.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 12:14 AM.

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Min
月曜日: September 26, 2022



I lost my cat, Mini, today. Just a week ago, a workmate lost a mother. I know it doesn't compare, but that doesn't invalidate the grief I feel for my lost pet.

From 7, my cats are down to 5. 

Kanina, Mom was planning to just throw Mini away dahil umuulan at mahirap maghukay. Gets ko. Ayaw ko ring mahirapan sila mama at papa, so I proposed that they find someone na maghuhukay then I will pay. But as I was proposing, I started crying, kaya nag panic yung nanay ko. She immediately told Dad, " ilibing nalang natin at nag-iiyak na yung anak mo." I feel sorry na kailangan nilang mahirapan dahil dito. Kung wala akong pasok, I would've dig Mini's grave myself. I surely love my cats, but of course, I love my parents more.

I wish I'll never lose another cat. And I wish, I can have my parents forever.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 08:33 AM.

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Indulgence and overspending
木曜日: September 23, 2022



Takte, malupitang pagpipigil ang ginagawa ko nitong mga nakaraang araw. Gusto ko kasing bumili ng bagong sapatos, pero kailangang kong isipin na nagmahal na ang bilihin at hindi ako pwede lumagpas sa budget.

My parents are using fake crocs shoes pag pumupunta sa palengke. Sira na yung gamit nila at pinapasukan na ng tubig. I want to buy them the original one. Syempre, 1 pair for myself too. Yung pale yellow, or yung may smileys print. Tapos gusto ko isang lacoste, isang jordan, at isang addidas... or siguro Dr. Martens, hindi ko nga lang alam kung kasya sa binti ko... also, totoong hayop ata ang dr. Martens... isesearch ko siguro muna, pero gusto ko talaga nun. Kung di yun gawa sa totoong hayop, I'll buy one. Grabe nasa 5k lang dati ang Dr. Martens, ngayon over 10k na.

I want to buy 4 more pairs for myself, tapos ititigil ko na ang di makatarungang pag gasta. Kaya ko yun.

------

Nakakatamad. I want change.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 01:34 PM.

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Gei
木曜日: September 22, 2022



Probably because I've been wearing this pride cap at work, I wonder if people are thinking that I swing that way.

There is this girl who keeps telling me na ang ganda ganda ko. Lately, may very light na paghawak hawak na syang nalalaman. I don't know for sure, but she does look like a lesb*an. It's fine if she is. It's just that, I've been wondering if all this act is because she's thinking I swing that way too and see me as a kindred spirit... or is she actually hitting on me?

Well, my bad for causing the misunderstanding. See, I wear cap because I'm getting stomach gas pag nalalamigan ang ulo ko. I chose this pride design as a testament of my love for BL, and because I find the rainbow thingy design quite cute 

I'm super open about things, and I think I'm willing to explore. I don't think it will ever work with a girl though, because I absolutely don't have any interest in a woman's body. I mean... if gay people cannot help that they're gay, I guess straight people also cannot help that they're straight. 

Well, I don't know. Baka wala lang naman talaga.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 08:19 PM.

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Love and Fear
木曜日: September 22, 2022



Last Monday, an officemate lost her mother. She went home halfway her shift. She texted around 7pm on our GC that her mother was sent to the ICU. Around 8PM, she said her mother left her already.

I can imagine the pain. It's something I don't want myself, nor anyone else, to go through. Ano bang pwedeng sabihin sa taong nagluluksa? 

Today, just like everyday, hinatid ako ni mama sa may kanto pasakay sa bus on my way to work. She said "babye, nak", when I was about to get inside the bus. I can't imagine losing my mother. Just the thought of it makes me feel like crying already. Hindi ko talaga kaya yun.

Hayyyy.

Ano bang sasabihin ko sa officemate ko pag balik nya sa work?



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Written by cinderellaareus at 06:57 AM.

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Mafuyu
月曜日: September 19, 2022



Gusto ko ng kotse na kulay orange. Pag nakabili na ko, papangalan ko yon ng Mafuyu. Yung character na vocalist sa anime na Given.

9 minutes, at off na ko.

Ang cute ng Here U Are na manhua. I'm almost finished.

----------------

Officemate's mom is sick of liver cirrhosis. I've been reading about it since she left halfway her shift today. Said her mom was in pain again. She no longer has a dad. I've read that there are stages to this disease. And if I remember the symptoms that she told me her mom has, it seems like her mom is on stage 3. Sana maging okay lahat for her.

I've been checking for supplements to buy to prevent my parents for having the same sickness. Nakakatakot mawalan ng magulang. Sana magsurvive at gumaling na ang mama ng officemante ko.

I want to buy more shoes and clothes... but I feel like I need to save more money to ensure that I can provide for whatever medical needs my parents will have in the future.

Universe, penging net passive income na 1 million pesos monthly!



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Written by cinderellaareus at 05:59 PM.

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C I N D E R E L L A A R E U S
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