Entries in category "Tuesday"
It's a Monday and I'm feeling blue.
A couple of nights back I spent having a crying fit because I miss my dog who has been dead for 2 years now. The following day, I watched Alpha. Then I came across a post in FB about the moment before an owner euthanize her dog. Ang sakit ng puso ko.
This morning, I was watching 'a star is born' starring Lady Gaga. Bilang wala akong pasensya, I read the ending in wikipedia. It doesn't look good. I'd probably find another movie to watch after lunch.
I spent my lunch time in Booksale and I've found the book "uglies" for a steal. I resorted to look for the other books from the same series, gusto ko na itaob ung booksale, hindi ko parin nakita. Kung ako ang masusunod, hindi na ako aalis dito sa Happy Lemon at magbabasa nalang ako ng libro.
I live a good life, but I feel so empty. I remember the book "the richest man in Babylon" and it said hindi daw maganda sa tao ang hindi nagtatrabaho.
I've always been lazy. But once I've started working, I always switch into workaholic mode, killing myself (and my relationships) in the process.
The first 5 years of my life as a working adult, I've spent working like a maniac. I was stressed, I've missed improtant occasions and so much more. So I spent the 5 years that followed claiming everything back. But I can't spend the next 5 years like this anymore...
I am an October born Libra. Our sign represents balance. Funny it's the very thing I can't apply in my own life. Life-work balance. Sabi sa "one thing" na book, it doesn't exist daw. Hindi ko talaga gets yung part na yun.
I remember when I was in college, a friend and I were having a mini debate. I was quoting book after book and when the friend ran out of things to say, she angrily said, "bookish ka kasi." Back then I thought she's just 'pikon', but as I grew older, I realized that she was probably right.
I wonder how people do it. Learning life outside books. Maybe they talk to people and try things. I'm not very fond of human beings. I'm more of a dog person. Also cats. Sometime crocodiles.
ERRATUM: So my entry had been sitting here for hours and I realized, TODAY IS TUESDAY. What's up with that?
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Written by cinderellaareus at 12:45 PM.
Tomorrow they will bury Tito Peping. Inside my head, how he looks like, how his voice sounds are still so clear it's hard to believe he's dead now. At times when Dad was not around, he made me feel safe. When Dad was not so well, he was our protector. The protector of the entire compound even. I wonder how it would be like now that he's not around. I hope that the Heavens will give him mercy.
We just finished elementary then when my cousins left the compound and ran away from home. It left me wondering if I'll ever see them again, and I did.
But now that their father's gone, I wonder if they'll ever go back to the compound again.
Mom told me not to, but I've decided to take a leave and see Tito's burial tomorrow. He had done so much. I just want to say my final thank you... and sorry. I know many times I wasn't at all a very good niece. I also want to spend some more time with my cousins.
Sana ang puso naming lahat ay maging ok.
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Written by cinderellaareus at 11:34 PM.
Maybe it's not about being able to look and not feel hurt whatsoever. Maybe it's about not feeling the need to look at all.
I just wish that when the "day" comes, he will have the decency to not invite me.
This entry would've gone a totally different course if I didn't look. Oh well...
A lot of things going on. Things are fast pacing recently, I find the rapid shift in emotion quite draining.
Dad was at the hospital last Fri. The operation was scheduled Sat. Though our house is a stone throw away from there, the doctors required for him to stay there before the operation. Mom asked me to sleep in their room because she's not used to sleeping alone. That was my first good sleep in a long while now.
Saturday came and everyone was busy since we were selling food at the store. Bro and I were supposed to take turns and looking after Dad at the hospital.
I thought that I got over my fear of blood since I've been to accidents that involved blood before. Dad's operation proved me wrong.
I was sitting next to Dad's bed then. He was sleeping and there were tubes attached to his hand. Half of his body is covered with blanket, parts of which, covered blood. Brother hid the bloodied portion so as not to scare me, but Dad kept moving and moving, the blood started to show off, it made my stomach squirm.
Mom told me that if I start getting scared, I should just distract myseft with my phone so that I won't feel so scared anymore. But with us in the room were patients and their companions and some of them kept talking to me. Don't get me wrong, I appreciated that they were nice, helpful and all... but-
When Dad started moving his legs, a man who was in the room with us told Dad shouldn't turn to his side just yet because it could make his wound bleed. This got me all panicky because how can I stop Dad from moving when he's asleep?
Then Dad moved his hands and the man said, "naku, wag mo pagalaw kamay nya baka mahatak ang swero at dumugo." So I was like, "jusko, jusko, jusko". I was so at lost on what to do. I was already weak from seeing the blood peeking behind Dad's legs and the thought of having him bleed some more was making me feel like I'm going to pass out.
It didn't help that a stretcher came afterwards with a woman's form. The woman had bandage in her neck. She was lying on her back looking so much like she's dead. I immediately looked on my phone to seek distraction. But on my peripheral vision, I saw that her feet were looking blue like the corpses I see in movies. It got me so scared a tear escaped and felt warm liquid ran through my face. I was about to leave the room to calm myself down, but one of doctors came to check Dad and told me that I need to wake him up to make him breathe because his oxygen is running low.
The panic I felt escalated. I was scared that if I wake up Dad, he will move and bleed. My knees were already shaking then so I decided to call my brother for help.
He probably woke up early that day. He cleaned the house, washed the dishes, carried things, watched and took care of Dad echetera, echetera. So when I called my brother to make Dad breathe, he got angry at me and told me to do it myself. He was probably tired. He was yet to eat then and had a mountain of dishes to wash. I understood the whole situation. I just can't go back there. The blood, the dead-looking lady... i don't know... I was also scared that Dad will die if we will not make him breathe right away. So I turned to my mom, who's equally scared of blood and I started crying. Mom got angry too, but then she got up and went to the hospital. I'm so sorry.
But I'm glad that all was well in the end. Mom told the story of me running home in tears and how I thought that the lady in stretcher is dying. It gave the people in the hospital a good laugh. Nakakahiya lang because when the husband of that lady came to our store to eat, he came up to me with a little laugh and assured me that his wife is not dying and that she's already well now. He even told me, "Ok na sya, pwede ka na bumalik. Hindi na sya nakakatakot." I wonder if the wife got offended. Sobrang nakakahiya talaga.
Sunday and Dad was back home. He wasn't supposed to eat solid food yet, but he was so matigas ang ulo he gave me headache. Brother, wife and kid went out for a family bonding then so it was just Dad, Mom and me during. Mom left the table for only a while and Dad started eating kanin! If I wasn't so scared about him bleeding, kukurutin ko talaga yung tatay kong 'yon sa singit.
But things look good now.
Monday was my first day at the new office. Today, I'm wrapping up my work week and tomorrow and next 4 days, I'll be staying in a unit around Manila. Ano kayang gagawin ko pag nakasalubong ko yung taong yun dun? Is he still working around that area?
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Written by cinderellaareus at 12:12 PM.
7:50am, breakfast at the cage. I haven't slept much last night and my eyes sear. Kelan nga ang weekend?
Yesterday, someone asked me, "naramdaman mo na ba yung masakit yung puso mo na nagta tighten talaga yung dibdib?" The question was that of a health concern, but all I can think about was the tightness I've been feeling for the past 4 months. Is 4 months enough?
I haven't been crying that much, you know. I did cry... only a few times. But my heart has been so heavy all this time that sometimes it surprises me that I'm even standing.
A few days back, someone told me, "shucks ang sakit non!" Thinking I was hurt/offended from a supposedly offensive comment. I just smiled and proceeded with the convo like nothing happened. Because really, I didn't feel anything.
I've been going through probably one of my most painful times that if someone wishes to hurt me, he got to do a way better job than that.
Ang daming ganap ng November. I have a customer who has been setting out to meet me for the last 3 weeks, but the weekends had been so overbooked, hindi ko sya masipot. Kung kelan kailangan ko ng pera.
There's the transfer. There's KCON and now, there's the SME thingy that was supposed to happen in October. Tentative date is on 21st. Weekday. It will probably be harder to take a leave by then since I'm not sure if Partner will still be here by then. Will I still be here by then? Ewan ko. Bahala na. This is my hope for a better future. There's no way I'd miss this. Takte. Lord, help me.
Dad operation on 17th. Minor lang naman daw, but my praning self can't help but think of the worst, I started having bad dreams. Sana maging maayos ang lahat.
After this month, I think December wouldn't be so hectic. Gusto ko ng full body massage.
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Written by cinderellaareus at 08:25 AM.
Just got back from a 3-day long weekend, tas nagkasakit pa ko. Takte. Wanna go home. Huhu.
So how are things going? At times I feel like there's a lot going on, but not really. I'll be going to watch an opera for the first time this Friday and I need to hunt for a dress/gown. Couldn't take a leave because Partner already filed his so haggardan ito. After work I need to fly to the venue nang naka gown. Thank you very much. Sa totoo lang, I'd rather stay home.
In about a month now, the cage will transfer to another site since they'll give up the current building na. They will provide me advance and deposit for a place to stay near the new office for about 3 months. I'm already feeling homesick, but I'm not so sure if kaya ng katawang lupa ko magcommute. It's not really that far from the current site, but the traffic jam in that area is known to be epic. Partner will not be going with us so we need to hunt for a new native speaker. Sana maging maayos ang lahat.
BFF is busy with the wedding prep. I will be the MOH. This is the 2nd time I'll be a MOH. The 1st was during my brother's wedding. Said the wedding will be an intimate one lang daw. Closest friends and relatives lang ang invited, yet for some reason, BFF invited my entire family.
Mom and Dad will the one of the ninongs and ninangs. The wedding will be in Batangas and BFF will give me and my family 2 days accomodation dun sa venue. I've always seen BFF as a sister. To me, she's family. Nakakatuwa lang na her love for me is extended even to my family.
From someone who can't stop checking, now I can't bring myself to even look. Nakaka amuse ang evolution ng heartbreak na to.
Hindi pa naman talaga ok.
The last time I was watching a K-dram entitled 'Go back couple'. Tungkol sa mag-asawa na nag file ng divorce and they both wished na sana hindi nalang nila nakilala ang isa't isa. Then by some miracle, nag timetravel sila parehas sa nakaraan nila at nung nagkakilala sila when they were 20 yo. It was such a cute drama. Kahit patapos na ko sa sumunod na dramang pinapanood ko, naiisip isip ko parin to.
Ano kaya ang gagawin ko kung sakaling mag time travel ako sa past? What will I do differently? Marami akong naisip gawin. Mga bagay na gusto ko itama. Na surprise lang ako na willing pala akong hindi ka nalang makilala at all.
Putek. I feel like my heart is a whole lot sicker than my immune system.
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Written by cinderellaareus at 11:41 AM.
Sabi sa nabasa ko, scientifically, emotional pain daw can only last for 10 minutes. Anything longer than that is self-inflicted.
I was starting to feel ok until I once again checked his IG. Why the heck did I delete my own account if I'll keep on visiting his in the first place? Nade-detox din ba ang puso? Putakte.
Things are pretty bad in other things as well. The cage will no longer keep the current building. Said we will be transferring to Pasig before the year ends. I need to explore my other options fast.
Gusto kong maniwala na pag shine-shake ng Diyos ang mundo mo, diladala ka lang Nya somewhere better. Still, I wish he'd just give be better options instead. When I got myself here, I said I'd just stay for a year. Tapos, poof! 5 years na. Oh, Lord...
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Written by cinderellaareus at 03:23 PM.
I saw the neighbor's dog, Kilay's dad, at a sarisari store across our house, so I greeted him, "Hello Pogi!"
To my horror, a man nearby, standing next to his motorcycle winked.
Mej creepy. Huhu. : (
F: Anong age mo balak mag-asawa, R?
R: Siguro mga 30s.
F: 30s daw, Z?
Z: di na tayo magkakaanak non, R
R: edi live in
Z: ano ka, siniswerte
*** I wonder if the girl now will say yes to that. But then he's more than capable of getting married now though.
Holiday Tuesday at work. My workweek just started and I already want to go back home.
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Written by cinderellaareus at 07:27 AM.
I asked the Heavens for the rain to stop. Mejo maulan pa pero nakapasok na ko. Putek, ano ba pinaggagawa ko kahapon?
Nakita ko announcement sa FB na ready na daw ang club namin for the Filipino Speech Contest. I remember I'm supposed to back up our initially agreed contestant after he begged off. And boy, I'm so far from ready. Pak, ano ngang pinaggagagawa ko kahapon?
I was home. I think I just spent the day sleeping, eating, repotting my plants, reading posts and articles in facebook about plants and so on. Hindi man lang ako nag attempt gumawa ng speech. Juicecolored!
I rewatched Jane's reading for August. For some reason, it no longer resonate as much as it did the first time.
Sa totoo lang, hindi ko forte ang magmultitask. Kaya pag marami akong nararamdaman, nadidisorient ako. Sa tingin ko, wala namang hurt. Fear lang. Regret. Sadness. Mga ganun. Naisip ko rin na if mabibigyan ako ng power to snatch the boy back, hindi ko rin naman gagawin. In the end of the day, I also want him to be happy.
Napansin ko lang rin na inuulit ulit ko lang yung mga situation ko sa buhay. I want to focus on making sure that this won't happen again especially because my recent situation is starting to look like it's heading to that same direction.
Fear. Regret. Sadness. Ihalo mo pa yung panic na nafifeel ko about the contest. Pero siguro, katulad ng ulan, huhupa rin naman to.
Tag-ulan man ngayon, the sun will soon rise up. And when that time comes, siguro may bulaklak na yung mga alaga kong jade at cactus. Magiging okay din ang lahat.
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Written by cinderellaareus at 08:50 AM.
"You're name means Empress. Queen."
I barely remember my prof in Humanities2 saying this line in front of the class everytime she mentioned my name.
I also remember how he claimed that his name means "King", making us King and Queen.
King and Queen.
This is a closed book now though. I'm more than okay.
It's been a while since Jane gave a reading that resonates as much as this one. Seems like my fav tarot reader is back. All hearts.
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Written by cinderellaareus at 09:00 AM.