Entries in category "Saturday"



Sow confusion, reap confusion
Saturday: October 28, 2017



"Minsan kasi akala mo lang hindi mo mahal."

I raised an eyebrow when someone told this to me. Truth is I'm pretty much clear on how I feel, I just don't talk about it.

...

"So anong reaction mo," you asked. I would love to give you a mega eyeroll to the max, you dense moron. Kainis ka.

I was pissed off. If this was the reaction you're after, then you win. But of course, you will never get the luxury of knowing. 

You started all these yet there you were, you couldn't even bear looking when I was with this other boy, and for the record, it wasn't ochestrated.

...

When not in battle mode, I'm always on the defensive side. Weapons of choice: denial and pretense. Weird how I kept on doing this for the past decade even if I know that it doesn't really work.

Why not try honesty and sincerity instead, Z? Maybe you'll end up getting a different result.

...

..

Nah, too much work. Besides, hindi ko rin naman yata mapapangatawanan pa. I'm pretty messed up on my own, why bring someone along?

But if I will be asked if I'll be okay with you ending up with someone else, I'm certain that my answer will be 'no'.

But then...

Well, be it.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 10:35 AM.

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Thoughts from a bad day
Saturday: September 30, 2017



1:11am. Make a wish.

I just got home. Today was not particularly good. It was bad. At karamihan ng hindi magandang nangyari, kasalanan ko.

I was watching a movie with a super long title. I forgot. Basta dun sa movie, nagpa delete yung babae ng memory nya dun sa lalaki. Nung nalaman ng lalaki, pinadelete nya rin memory nya sa babae. Kaso halfway nung procedure, na realize nya na mahal nya pa yung babae at ayaw nya nang ipabura ung mga memories nila, kaso too late na. Teka...enough ayoko maging spoiler.

Pero basta ganun. After erasing their memory nagkakilala parin sila e. Basta may recorded tape ng messages nila before sila magpadelete ng memory. Tas narinig nila ung recorded tape ng isat isa. Science fiction lang naman na pwede mo ipa delete ang memory mo pero pakiramdam ko, isa ito sa mga panaka painfully realistic na movies na napanood ko.

Magmamahal ka. Masasanay ka sa presensya nya.

Tas bigla mawawala yung magical feeling, bigla kang  ma bo-bored at darating sa point na aayaw ka na.

Hindi lang naman sa romantic love to totoo. Kahit sa friendship.. Kahit sa family. Siguro nga totoong Love is a decision. Maybe love is deciding to stay even if you don't feel like it anymore.

May mga ugali akong hindi kagandahan. Yung super konting tao na piniling mag-stay even after makita yung side na yun, sobrang pinagpapasalamat ko. Pero sa kung hanggang kailan sila mag iistay, hindi ko alam. Sinabi ko noon na the Universe bends in our expectations. Truth is, i dont expect people to stay. People rarely do. That's why i learned to be detached. To not have both feet in. I always left one out, ready to flight.

Safe? Or duwag? I dont know.

Siguro magiging madali ang maraming bagay sa buhay, or maybe yung buhay itself, kung walang taong involved.

Love is for the brave. Iniisip ko kung ano bang chance ng mga taong chicken na katulad ko.

----------

Ang dami daming hindi magandang bagay na nangyayari. Minsan ang sarap mamundok. Ang sarap pumunta ng outerspace.

A week from now, 32 na ko. Sa 32 years ko sa mundo, natutunan ko na pag nagsisimula ka ng mainis, nagsisimula ka nang mangialam. At pag nagsimula ka nang mangialam, nagsisimula ka ng magmahal.

Maliit palang ako, gusto ko na ng peace. But it's not like, I LIKE peace. It's more like, i NEED peace. Kaya ayoko ng confrontations, ayoko ng gulo. At sobrang maliit ang tolerance ko sa mga tao who make me feel bad about myself, or them, or anything. Yung mga gumugulo lang sa utak ko.

Pero kasi, kung saan may tao, nandun ang conflict, nandun ang gulo. At ang only way lang yata para makamit mo ang peace ay ang lumayo ka sa tao. Bakit ba ang complex magmahal? Bakit ba ang complex magpahalaga? 

Sa ending nung movie, sabi nung lalaki, "wait". Sabi nung babae, bakit daw. Para saan. Isa lang daw syang messed up na babae na naghahanap ng sarili nyang peace of mind something. Na darating daw ung panahon mabo bore lang rin sya ulet dun sa lalaki kasi ganun lang daw talaga sya.

Then the man replied, 'okay'. Gusto ko rin makahanap ng sasagot ng 'okay'.

Siguro ang success ng relationship ay hindi nakasalalay sa kung gaano katindi ang pagmamahal nyo sa isat isa kundi sa tibay ng resolve nyo na magpatuloy kahit na feeling nyo e ayaw nyo na.

Sana makahanap ako ng taong kayang magpatuloy kahit feeling nya ayaw nya na. At sana pag nakita ko sya, ako rin, kaya nang magpatuloy kahit feeling ko, ayoko na.

---------

TM meeting earlier. The only pangtanggal badtrip of the day. Nothing remarkable, but at least I was able to spend time with people i care about. For me, that's more than enough. Also, one of our newest members approached me to ask me to be her mentor. There goes my 3rd mentee. I wonder how people choose their mentors. Still, nakakakilig parin talaga pag ikaw ang napili. Pero at the same time, nakakakaba. I was blessed with a wonderful mentor. Hindi ko maisip kung pano ko mabi-build yung relationship ko sa mentees ko gaya ng relationship na meron kami ng mentor ko. Lalo na nga na mejo takot parin talaga ko sa tao. Still, gagawin ko parin yung best ko. 

Won't be attending our meeting on 6th. Following meetings after that, busy na sila Gabby. Mukhang matagal tagal kaming hindi magkikita. Nakakalungkot din.

Laugh trip kanina, i accidentally sent my message for Mom to J. He sent the screenshot to our Officers group chat. I rarely explain myself because explaining makes me feel as if I'm lying even when I'm not. But because it's super funny, nag mega explain na ko. May point kasi e. Ang layo nga naman ng Mama sa J so pano ko ma eexplain na nawrong send ako. Haha. Pero promise, wrong sent lang talaga, walang halong malisya.

Tanda ko ganito rin kami nagsimula ni R. Feeling ko, dapat mag-ingat na saken si J.

Charot.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 01:47 AM.

2 comments





Heartless and Blue
Saturday: September 9, 2017



Ang sama ko sayo. Hindi ko naman talaga sadya. 

Years ago nung nagyaya ka, akala ko next na sasabihin mo, "open-minded ka ba?"

Tas nung sabi mong sabihan kita if magsisimba ko near sa work mo dahil ililibre mo ko, kala ko naman nang nenetwork ka.

Tapos ngayon, magyaya ka pala sa MIBF, kala ko hihiram ka lang ng books.

Ang labo kasi ng intro mo lagi. Hindi pwede sa slow at dense. Lol.

Pero E for effort ka rin e no. Never say die pa ang drama. Ganyan ka lang ba talaga? 

-------------

"Often it's the deepest pain which empowers you to grow into your highest self."

It's been a while since I last answered a table topic.  The question can't be anymore timely. 

I joined Area Director T-Jay today in holding a meeting for some dying club he wishes to revive, the Blue TMC. Tinatamad talaga ko at mas gusto ko sana matulog nalang pero nakakaawa rin kasi Si T-Jay at nakakaawa rin yung Blue. Things went fine naman.  Nakakasad lang na wala manlang actual member nung club na nakadalo. 

I was the topics evaluator. I wasn't suppose to answer a table topic pero sinigurado kasi nung topicsmaster na lahat magsasalita. OK lang rin. Na enjoy ko naman. The topic made me remember some of the darkest days of my life. Kinwento ko sa kanila how I discovered a church inside a mall and on how I gatecrashed what seemed to be a religious meeting for couples eventhough I was alone (and single) all because I was feeling rebellious. Nakakatawa. 

But at the same time,  I realize how my days now closely resemble those days.... 

The week had been bad. On the external,  I looked fine.  Nice even. In a way,  I guess it was. Afterall, I received a few blessings and the days were generally peaceful. It's just that I can't shake this gloomy feeling inside. Eto na naman yung dark days. paano ko ba maalis hung sarili no dito. 

I'm scared. I remember when I was younger, I used to have a whole lifetime ahead of me.  I remember facing a bright future for myself with alluring options all lined up. Tapos ngayon,  putek, wala ng option.  it's like I'm already against the wall and yet life is still pushing me further back. 

I used to believe that having too many options is not healthy for people and I still do. I remember it was I who kicked mine out one by one until I was left with barely anything. Pero kasi, pag ikaw yung walang option at nagsa-suffer ng consequences, ang hirap paniwalaan na healthy yun para sayo. 

Pagkasulat ko ng entry na to, maybe matutulog na ko. Sana pagkagising ko, ayusin nalang ng Langit any lahat ng mga pinoproblema ko para sakin. 

------------

I took out my last ace. You didn't take the bait. 

Sabi nila, pag may masakit daw ibig sabihin may mali.

Wala namang masakit.

Siguro, finally...

wala na saken ang mali. 



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Written by cinderellaareus at 10:45 PM.

1 comments





Saturday's pain
Saturday: August 26, 2017



Headache and red days cramps.

Thank you very much.

Would've joined gabby to club hop in camanava today but had to say no. Buti nalang din na hindi ako nakasama dahil parang hinahampas ng baseball bat yung tyan ko. Ang hirap maging babae.

There was a scheduled screening for a medical mission near our place. Patients came and customers flooded our sari-sari store. But the screening didn't happen. Nakakalungkot na porket libre ung mission e hindi na nagkaron ng decency ung organizers na iinform ang mga tao na hindi tuloy. These are sick people, for crying out loud.

This sure benefitted us, pero nakakaawa parin kasi.

---------

Bought palabok earlier. Im supposed to go back to healthy eating pero siguro sa monday nalang ulet. Nakakainis na ang sarap kumain. The family plans to eat out tomorrow. Id rather stay home kasi puteeek, ang sakit talaga ng ulo at tyan ko. Huhu. Sana sa bahay nalang kami kumain ng masarap.

---------

Was reading an article about a man's lament on the society's double standards and i think he's right on most points. He said common daw sa ladies ang mabigyan ng compliments pero may mga lalaki daw na nadededs nalang without receiving one in his entire lifetime.

Appreciative naman talaga akong tao and often express my appreciation through words. Generous ako in giving praises most of the time... Except sa mga lalaki. I don't know.

I remember back when i thought of R as a younger brother, i often tell him "ang gwapo mo ngayon" or "bagay sayo yan"... It was when i started seeing him as something more that i stopped doing all that.

Parang mali no? Di ba dapat kung sino ung mahalaga, sa kanila dapat mas pinaparamdam at pinapaalam na naaappreciate naten sila?

Years passed and i don't think i changed much. But then, at least now, i always make sure that i say thank you.

...

Nasabi ko na ba? Always bagay sayo ang naka coat. Always.

Kahit anong color ang polo underneath, bagay. Pero favorite ko yung grey polo at black coat combination. Pag di ka naka coat, bagay sayo ang pink.

I also like your hair brushed up. Bagay sayo. Ang gwapo mo. Fyi.

Mula ngayon, pag aaralan kong iexpress ang appreciation ko pati sa mga lalaki. Lalo na sa mga lalaking gusto ko.

Puteeeek. Iniisip ko palang para  na akong lalagnatin.

Chicken.

-------

Chatting with the boy now. R and I were like this back in the day. Nagkakagusto na ba saken tong batang to? Assuming lang. Hehehe. His bday and R's are just a few days apart. Baka kaya parehas sila ng ugali kasi parehas sila ng zodiac sign. I dont know if u believe in that. Pero tingin ko, baka wala lang. Malandi lang naman to sa group chat pero pag kami lang dalawa, hindi naman sya flirty. Instead, he talks about his dreams, his plans. Sometimes, he would also ask me to join him. But he was never flirty. Yun ung pinagkaiba nila ni R. 

-------

2017 ang deadline ko. Promise, after this year, hindi ko na babanggitin ang pangalan(initial) mo.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 08:49 PM.

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Saturday and rain
Saturday: August 19, 2017



One laid back Saturday. It's been a while since a weekend had been like this. I took a nap after lunch and woke up at around 4. Went downstairs and found mom and dad on the sofa sitting with our dog, mongee, beside them. I squeezed myself inbetweeen mom and the dog.

I love days like this. Doing nothing next to the people you love.

One day, I'm gonna build something like this too.

------

We were calling it a night. I got off the car and waited for the bus. He was waiting with me. It was raining and he was just standing there getting drenched. I raised the umbrella over his head to cover us both. He took it from my hand and held it for the two of us.

We know in part, we understand in part that's why i try my best not to judge people especially since i can only see molecular portions of their story. Still, i know that this person is someone good and I've seen how he has taken care of the people closest to him. I pray in my heart that he will be taken care of and will be treated better. I really do.

Tiny role though, my part in his life... I promise, he will always have my respect...

For as long as I'm a part of it.



* * * * * * * * *



Written by cinderellaareus at 08:24 PM.

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Dear Crush, I am good.
Saturday: August 12, 2017



One down. Isa sa mga problema ko ay natapos na.

So i served as a test speaker today for the area contest of areas 1, 3, 5 and 6. First time to be evaluated by 11 people in one sitting. May mga humabol pa nga ng evaluations after the contest. Nakauwi na ko ng bahay at lahat, meron paring humabol ng evals via messenger. Nakakaliw.

I was once a contestant too so alam ko dapat kinder ako. Pero kasi hindi ako nakapag lunch kanina at gutom na gutom na ko kaya lumilipad yung kilay ko paminsan minsan sa ibang evaluators.

One mentioned about Malcolm gladwell and assumed i read his book.

I didn't.

One assumed i am a CC and the speech i delivered was from an advanced project.

It wasn't an advanced project and im not yet a cc.

One called me Cha.

Another called me Sha.

Another one didn't even know my name and called me "the toastmaster". Weird.

One kept on gesturing towards where i WAS and never hitted my actual place.

I would be more understanding if i wasnt so hungry.

Natutunan ko na being evaluated by that many people pala was no joke. My head started pulsating after the 5th evaluator. 

Pero sulit naman. Nandun kasi yung crush ko. Bakit ba nagiging sulit lang ang kahit anong hassle pag may lalaking involved no? Lol.

Anyway, he was my first Toastmaster crush back when i wasn't a toastmater yet. Yang and i first saw the guy the first time we visited a TM club as guests. I didn't join that club but i remember, he was the GE then, and i was mezmerized.

Simple, effortless at ang gentle tingnan at pakinggan. After a few research (aka online stalking), nalaman ko na, wow, maka Diyos din sya. Smart, magaling na speaker tapos maka Diyos pa. Super perfect! Only, nalaman ko rin na merong konting problema....

Married sya. Hahaha. Magpapamember sana ko sa club nya nun kaso exclusive daw club nila and hindi open to all so i ended up in my club now.

And so, ayun nga, contest. Kita ko yung name nya sa contestants and i was like, "OMG! Yung crush ko!"

Tagal ng hinintay ko, men... 3rd to the last speaker sya e. Pero sulet. Sarap nya parin pakinggan. Ang gentle. Parang ang bait. I was like, "i-uwi ko na kaya to?" Hahahaha... Hayyyyy crush.

Nakakatawa na for the last 5 years, consistent ako. Laging sa dalawang klase lang ng lalaki ako nagkakainteres. Kundi bading, married. Haha. Pero sigurado akong wala akong gagawin, because i am good.

I am good.

I am good.

I am good.

Powerful daw ang words at pag paulit ulit mo daw na sinabi ang isang bagay, malaki ang chance na magka totoo.

I am good.

I am good.

I am good.

-------

I asked LA to invite crush to be our GE in one of our following meetings. But he'll be competing with gabby and we have to keep our aces on our sleeves as Gabby said, so baka matatagalan pa. Ok lang. 

Division contest in a few more weeks. I'm pretty sure Gabby will win, pero excited parin akong makita si crush ba bigyan sya ng good fight.

Also, kanina, kahit mahiyain akong tao, i asked crush for a selfie. Keribels. Hindi nya naman ako laging makikita e. Kakainis lang ang pangit ng kuha. Hindi ko tuloy mapost at nang maitag ko sya sa fb (yes, na-add ko yung crush ko sa FB!!! Gosh, I'm so brave...). Kakaunti lang ang picture ko na kasama ang someone na crush ko. Takte pa, kahit isa yata walang maayos dun.

--------

In-injan kami ni jay at jer so it was just LA and I. We ate our super late lunch after the contest and had our lengthy kwentuhan. I'm so happy that LA was there. Kung wala siguro sya, baka umiyak nalang ako dun. Hahaha.

I told LA of this dude who's a TM from another club. I needed to ask her if it's normal for that dude to constantly chat with another TM. Hindi daw. I told her how the dude is off limits and my reason on why i plan to keep him around.

I know it's hard to accept my unconventional reasoning. I'm just glad that instead of being preachy and all, LA always seem to understand. She's such a wonderful human being.

-------

So yun... 1 down. Isa nalang ang problema ko. BSP9. Oh help me, Lord.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 10:29 PM.

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Mga kumpisal
Saturday: July 22, 2017



Chatting with my girl friends and i found it amusing how we have the same opinion about the men present in our common circle right now.

You see, i never had a sister. That's why i love having girl friends around. They are the sisters i never had.

-------

So LA and I had a mini food stop after the meeting.

Kwentuhan. Chika chika. Etcetera.

Then she mentioned a dude that she noticed earlier sa meeting.

"Ay, napansin ko rin yun," i said.

When she said "shucks" thought she meant, "shucks, parehas tayo ng taste," until she followed,

"Type mo? Naku baka bading."

Ay, grabe sya...

Laugh trip.

--------

A friend was depressed a few days back so i was surprised to find out that she had completely bounced back na. All because she received a pm from some dude she's been eyeing for some time.

I know. I'm the same. I'm a woman too.

I, too, was a little bit depressed earlier until this message came. Minsan naiinis ako sa kung pano mo ko napapasaya.

I find men's effect on women both fascinating and infuriating. Nakaka amaze na isang simpleng message from a guy na special sayo e kayang i-turn ang super low days mo around and make u all bouncy. Infuriating din, kasi nakakainis na may taong may ganung power over you di ba?

I just retreated from a battle and im still wounded. I know it's not wise to get back fighting when you're not yet on your best self. At alam ko rin na hindi reliable ang nararamdaman ng mga taong fresh pa ang sugat. Siguro, chill muna.

Hindi naman ako dating ganito, pero parang ngayon, takot na ko.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 03:44 PM.

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So yeah...
Saturday: July 22, 2017



And i sabotaged once gain my own love life.

Thank you very much.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 01:29 PM.

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Mga munting katotohanan na hindi mo sinasabi
Saturday: July 22, 2017



Club contest over. Hindi ako nanalo, na disqualified pa ko. Overtime.

Ok lang naman. Nakakatawa lang na sasali rin pala ang mentee ko sa isa pang category tas sya rin na overtime.

Ayoko talaga ng natatalo pero this time, ok lang talaga. Nalulungkot lang ako na hindi ako magkakaroon ng excuse para makasama ka.

Pero kahit yun, ok na rin talaga. Pero syempre, gusto pa rin talaga kitang kasama.

---------

Alam mo ba yung hunch? Yung madalas tinatawag nateng "kutob". Common yun sa nga babae including me. I remember back in the day when cellphones weren't a thing yet, i would always know if bff was visiting our house because of this hunch. Same goes if it's nephil or anyone i have strong connections to.

This hunch also makes me foresee the outcome of things. I remember very well the times when i thought i won't get something i badly wanted and i felt this pull in my gut then ended up getting that thing despite the apparent impossibility.

There is also that other kind of pull where I'd get the opposite. I don't remember this ever failing.

Just a few hours ago, i felt a pull. A pull i recognized as that of defeat and i have a bad feeling about this.

Has anyone felt something like this before? If you're able to fight the hunch and get the opposite of what it's telling you, please, please, let me know.

----------

Then i watched the other boy slipping away.

There i was pretending i don't really care.

I hate lying. If you lie in your actions, then that's still a lie. I wish i have the courage to act the truth out though.

I already told the Heavens that i don't want to lose you.

Kaya sige, bahala na.



* * * * * * * * *



Written by cinderellaareus at 01:10 AM.

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