Entries in category "Monday"
I miss the time when I feel so ready and confident. Parang math exam. Parang engineering mechanics. Nakakamiss.
So I just turned down a gig offer that would have earned me money. The last time I accepted the same job, I earned for 3 hours what I could've earned for a week. Kung kelan I could use having more money.
Back in the day, I was all, "do something that scares you" and shit. Right now, ayoko na mastress. I wonder if slacking off like this will do me any good.
My body is telling me I need rest. I'm not even tired. I wonder when did I lose my motivation to strive harder.
Puteeek. I feel so bad. Sayang yung pera! T_T
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Written by cinderellaareus at 02:15 PM.
I'm supposed to wake up at 3am today to get to the office before 7am. Great, I just woke up. It's 7:14.
I spent the day yesterday sleeping everywhere I went; at Tito's couch, bus seats, our sofa and so on. I'm used to having very little sleep. I don't know why I felt so sleep deprived.
It was a bonding weekend with the girls. We booked a place around QC where we just slept, ate and watched movies. I didn't know that two of our guy friends will join us. The clothes I brought were thin and short and I brought very few bras. I just find it funny when the guys left for awhile for the day's engagement, Bea was like "tatanggalin ko na yung bra ko." Lol.
Gay guys they may be, but I guess I'm not the only one who still see them as men.
If I had known that people will ask about you in the future, I wouldn't have immortalized you in my speeches. That's one regret I have. I wonder if I should just deny your existence just so people will stop asking questions.
I just want you to leave my life silently, completely and without causing me so much hassle.
If being given a choice between the easy and the difficult, which one will you choose?
I will always, always choose the most convenient.
"Wag mo na asarin si Z, marupok yan."
He said the same thing back when we were with Sasi. I wonder what makes him think that way. I also wonder if he's right. Right now, I don't think so.
Surely, I get easily fascinated. But as to liking, there are very few people I've ended up liking for these past 3 years. Well you can't add Park Si Hoo, Lee Min Ho, Gong Yu, Lee Seung Gi, Taron Egerton, Tom Holland, Chris Hemsworth, Chris Evans, Tom Hiddleston, (the list is too long), and the others to that. They're not real people.
The real people I liked are very few. I think I only had two.
And they like eachother.
18 days before bff's wedding. Man, how did I get this fat? I tried my gown on last night. It barely fit. I looked pregnant. Lol. Who cares. My beautiful skin can more than compensate.
Who am I fooling? Lol.
Bff chose violet for me. The rest of her bridesmaids will be wearing Lilac. When I complained why I wouldn't get to wear the same pretty color, she just said, "maputi ka naman."
Though the color looked quite nice on me, I think bff failed to consider that she will be sending me to the resort the day before the wedding and I'll be swimming my hearts out and by the time her wedding came, malamang negneg na ko. Sana hindi ako magmukhang inihaw na talong. Lol.
Sa totoo lang, ok lang naman. My entire family will be there. I'm too excited to care much about how I'd look like. And besides, bff said walang masyadong single na lalaki dun, so ok lang. Ang sarap lang kasing mag reklamo just to annoy the people close to your heart, lalo na't alam mo na di naman sila magagalit. I remember during Nini's wedding I told her na gusto ko yung gown ko nakatago yung braso ko at di kita legs ko. She complied down to my last specification.
I'm happy that my friends found amazing men to be their forever partner. Someone once asked kung hindi daw ba ako naiinggit and the answer is no. I often wonder if that's normal, but I'm glad I'm not.
Someone was lecturing me about clarity just a few weeks ago.
I hate questions and clarity requires so much asking and I hate that. Pero alam ko rin na without it, I'll blindly let the days drag by without knowing exactly where I want to go. It's like living life just to get over it until it's actually over. Masaya ba yun? I remember what Aggy said during the Anything-goes: have a goal, but keep an open mind. Siguro dapat ganun.
Do your best, and then let go.
Okay, it's time to ask questions. Boy, I'd rather sleep.
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Written by cinderellaareus at 08:29 AM.
She was a little clingier than usual when I got home a few days back. I thought she's just demanding for scratches so I gave her some. I noticed how she wailed when I told her to creep out from under the bed. By the following day, the wailing came more often and she started to eat sparingly.
Our Mongee is my late dog's only offspring. She's the family's favorite and we consider her as our bunso. Earlier, Mom called that Gigi is getting worse. She called our family vet, but he just had an operation in his stomach daw so he couldn't come. We will have to find another doctor.
August 26, 2016 was the date that my baby Thangs left me. Everytime that any of our dogs get so sick, I will beg the Heavens for mercy. They ended up dying still.
Pag feeling mo hindi ka naman pakikinggan ng Diyos, kanino ka magdadasal?
Sana pag uwi ko, buhay pa si Giloid.
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Written by cinderellaareus at 10:46 PM.
It's Monday and there are blisters on my wrist and my neck and forehead are itchy. Hindi naman ako mareklamong tao, hindi ko lang talaga maintindihan why the cage is using dishwashing liquid in place of a hand soap. Naghihirap na ba ng kompanya? My shoulders and back is starting to get itchy also. I think I need to bring my own soap tomorrow. Damn allergies.
I just got a text from Mom telling me to go straight to Tito's wake. We were just there yesterday. Gutom na ko at maaga pa alis ko bukas. Huhu.
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Written by cinderellaareus at 06:31 PM.
"Anong gagawin mo pag nagkaron ka ng isang milyon?"
Dad asked me this question out of the blue. When your dad, old and sickly, starts asking a question like this, ang hirap hindi mag-isip ng kung ano-ano, specially since I know my dad. I was working on my garden then, wiping tears habang nagmamartilyo.
Until Dad told us why he asked. Said he had a dream daw. In the dream, he committed suicide and he met San Pedro. Pinagalitan daw sya ni San Pedro at sinabing hindi pa daw sya pwede ma deds because my brother doesn't have his own house yet, and Dad's apo, my niece, is not very ok yet. Sinabi daw ni San Pedro na Dad will win in lotto kaya he needs to live. I saw Mom's tears while Dad was telling us a story. Pero later on naging fun and lighthearted naman yung convo when we started to plan kung pano kami magpaparte parte sa 400 million pesos. Lol.
I don't really care much. I just want to have my dad for a long long time pa. But I don't mind having millions either. Sana nga totoo ang sinabi ni San Pedro. Hehe.
Nalaman ko na "Tagpi" pala ang pangalan ng aso ng kapitbahay na tinatawag kong "Pogi". Nakakatuwa na hindi sya lilingon pag tinawag mo syang tagpi pero lumilingon sya sa pogi. Alam nya kaya ibig sabihin ng pogi? Lol.
I still feel like someone who broke a leg and who is just starting to learn how to walk again. It still hurts. It does. I deleted my IG and didn't have the slightest regret. If it wasn't for the people I don't want to lose contact with, I'd delete FB too.
But what for? Soon I'll recover from this. I'm starting to entertain the possibility that maybe I'd really be better off single. There are days when I want to close all connections I have from the world just so I wouldn't see anything that involves that person.
But what for?
Iniisip ko kung magiging masaya pa ba ko ulit.
Masipag ako sa paperworks and stuff that require an eye in details. But heck, I hate manual, physical labor. Pero the weekend that passed, I've spent with hammer, saw, pliers and stuff. I was fixing the garden for my babies and future babies. In love na in love talaga ako sa mga halaman ko.
Today, I bought air dry clay. I plan to make hand-made pots for my plants na plano ko ibenta once I get a hang of things. Gusto kong magpatayo ng garden. O kaya green house.
I've been spending most of my days emersed in reading posts sa fb group na dedicated sa uri ng plants na meron ako. Nakakakilig na nandun si Jennica at nagpo post at nagko comment din. Super idol ko talaga yun. Not as an actress, but more as a mother, as a wife and as a human being in general. Check her IG and you'll understand why.
May nabasa pala ako kanina about using vetsin as fertilizers. Mabilis daw magkakaron ng pups at flowers. Excited na ko magvetsin. Sana magka flowers na ang cacti ko.
20 mins to go tas uwian na. Thank you, Lord!
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Written by cinderellaareus at 03:42 PM.
Monday. Was on leave. I intended to stay at home and fix my speech. Pero kasi mejo poor talaga ko ngayon kaya ang hirap tumanggi sa libreng sine, so I went out.
Ang babaeng allergic sa wifi. Ang dami kong naaalalang tao. Putek. Dapat siguro, hindi muna ako nanonood ng love story. Nakaka-emo, Bes.
Parang ang daming promising na tagalog films lately. Excited na kong magkapera. Sana may maabutan pa ko next payday.
Hindi naman ako magastos. If it wasn't for this bogus buyer who ordered so many tas di naman kukunin, may pera sana ko ngayon. Grrr. Pero ok lang. Mabebenta ko pa naman to. Tiwala lang.
I just learned that Joan's wedding is in 25th din pala. Same date ng contest. Heck, it's too late to back out. Pero ok lang din. The venue's far and wala rin naman akong outfit.
Ang bilis mag shift ng moods ko lately. Parang gusto kong pumunta sa lugar na dead ang signal gaya dun sa 'Ang babaeng allergic sa WIFI" movie. Wala lang. Para wala ako makitang post na di kaayaaya. Madali lang naman mang unfollow ng tao. Ayoko lang.
I'm pretty sure I'm not hurting. Heck, I don't even feel jealous. Puno lang siguro ng what-could-have-been's and stuff. I just miss the connection. It makes me a little sad. Hindi naman kasi madaling humanap ng ganun. Or baka sa mga maling lugar lang ako naghahanap.
Pero despite the sadness, I've been feeling more at peace lately. Maybe I'm already learning to gracefully let go.
Sana next time na magmahal ako, dun na sa tamang tao. Sana by then, 'tamang tao' narin ako for that person.
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Written by cinderellaareus at 10:41 PM.
On normal days, I might find this creepy. Pero dahil sa mejo broken hearted ako ngayon, na appreciate ko talaga to. Hahaha.
Ang lakas ng ulan kaninang madaling araw nung paalis ako kaya hindi na ko pumasok.
Kahapon natapos ko ang tula ng pamangkin ko para sa school. Para ma motivate syang mag memorize, ginawa kong tungkol kay Spider-man yung tula dahil mahilig sya kay spider-man. Pramis, effort gawing related sa theme na "Filipino, wika ng saliksik" ang tulang tungkol kay spider-man. Kagabi, nagsimula silang magpraktis. Mukhang hindi effective. Good luck sa pamangkin ko.
Still, it's one down for me. Now speech naman. Insipirasyon, sapian mo ko!!!
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Written by cinderellaareus at 09:24 AM.
"Ok lang. Sumadal ka dito." He said motioning his shoulder and I was like, "Lol, no."
My head aches and my eyes sear. Had a crying fiesta for no reason and very little sleep. I must be getting old.
Yesterday, I cleaned up my room and threw away stuff. I decided to let go of the letters I've kept since high school. Some of which were written by people who are already dead now.
"Sana itago mo 'to," I remember he once said. But this is long overdue.
TM meeting last Friday. JP gave me a whole bag of fruits so heavy that when Gabby said, "samin na kayo sumabay," hindi na ko humindi. In the end, I got home at 3am. Lol.
Was with my Instagirlfriends then. While in the car, the topic went to rated R-ish, I swear I can't understand them-probably more than half of the time.
My friends, even outside TM, are mostly around my age. And yet, at 32, I'm probably still the most nene of them all.
But is that a bad thing?
Last Friday, Jer told me, he resigned na. I thought he was joking pero sabi nya totoo daw. I remember I was also around his age when I left 1st co and the CE profession altogether. He is a CE too and it seems like he's going to do the same thing I did. It's like seeing my old self in someone else's life. I think Jer will probably do better than I did though. He's very disciplined and always strong in his resolve.
In a way, I'm envious. There's nothing I want more right now than to be free too. Without letting my family starve, that is.
Pero wait, kaya ko naman yun di ba?
Kaya ko yon! Puteeek, kaya ko talaga yon!
Wait for me, Universe.
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Written by cinderellaareus at 09:07 AM.
Braving Monday with a sleepy head. It's been a long while since I had sleeping problems. I don't know what triggers this. Takte.
I went to this place I'm in now to find some quiet place to think and plan my life. I want to use the things I learned from the Harvest Master game and use it in real life. So ano na 'Te?
I feel wierd. I'm not even sleepy. Tamang lutang lang. Gawd, what's wrong with me? I few things piss me of. Ayoko na nang ganitong setup. Alam mo bang kahit sa bible nakasulat na you are supposed to protect your heart? Surely, I trained myself to quickly move on, pero di ba lahat naman ng sugat, mag iiwan at mag iiwan din ng scar.
Hindi ko maintindihan kung anong point ng meron akong acct sa isang dating site kung lahat naman hindi ko pinapansin.
Tingin ko kasi mas gusto ko pa rin yung tunay na tao flesh and bones.
Halfway July. On the 29th, it's gonna be my 5th year here at the cage. I think this month and the last one had been tough. Ayoko na ring dagdagan pa yun bad feeling so wala nang sisihan ng sarili. Maaayos ko rin to. Oh God please...
30% of the time, I think of how much I'm missing you. 30% thinking how nice it would be like to be with you. Another 30 thinking how maybe this is such a terrible idea. The remaining 10 reminding myself how I have a lot more pressing things to think about.
Oh God, I need sleep.
Change of heart:
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Written by cinderellaareus at 11:52 AM.