Entries in category "Monday"



Boundaries and things
Monday: September 18, 2017



It was past bedtime and everyone was upstairs. I was looking down amused, seeing a number of cockroaches scattered on our kitchen floor. The one nearest my feet hurriedly moved away from me. I stopped walking and wondered if this cockroach had an idea that i didn't have the slightest intention to kill it. I was just walking.

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Third day of my super long weekend. It was raining earlier and i loved it. Mom cooked champorado for breakfast and adobong pusit for lunch. Two of my favorites. And yesterday, we had ice cream. Tomorrow, Tuesday, movies on cinemas around our area will be free for senior citizens. I will be joining Mom and Dad to watch a movie. I am happy.

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Someone once told me, "wag mong pilitin ang sarili mo. Siguro may panahon para sa mga bagay bagay." It's been more than a decade and I've kept these words with me. The entire week last week, I put it into practice. I ate what I wanted in the amount that i wanted. I didn't force myself to be "productive". I, in fact, just watched movies daily. I was supposed to takeover a speaking slot for our meeting last Friday and for this I allotted barely half an hour of preparation. Kasi nga, walang pilitan ng sarili. Good thing, we ended up cutting off 1 slot. I still made myself do at least 30 minutes exercise daily but only the type that I can sustain.

I usually beat myself up, you know. I've always strived to keep up to my own standards. Now, for once, I want to try that 'walang pilitan ng sarili' thingy and practice self-love. I want to see how this will work for me.

I've been trying stay away from people and activities that demand a lot from me lately. They will have to wait. I am more important than my tasks. I am more important than my responsibilities. If anyone or anything will force their way, they will have to go.

My journey in learning how to set boundaries had been long and excruciating. I just realized though that the boundaries I've set is not protective enough for my interest and wellbeing.

Now I'm set to build an even better one and I'm prepared to lose a few people for this.

I have high respect for the lives of cockroaches. Maybe I have to have an even higher one for my own.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 06:19 PM.

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Silence and Home
Monday: August 28, 2017



Was trying to do meditation. Hindi naman talaga ako marunong. What i did was turn off the light, set the alarm to 30 mins and try not to think of anything. Mahirap palang hindi mag-isip pero kahit pano, at least for 30 minutes, nag slow down ang pag iisip ko.

Habang patay ang ilaw at dama ko ang hangin galing sa electric fan, naalala ko yung time na nasa manila bay (baywalk?) Kami ni jenna.

Tama ba? Baywalk nga ba ung malapit sa luneta? Tinatamad ako mag google.

Anyway, kunyari baywalk nalang sya. So, college ako non. Strict parents ko eversince. Tipong dapat, right after ng klase, uwi kagad. Pero that day, tumakas ako. Nagyaya kasi si jenna na abangan namin ang sunset sa baywalk kaya kinalimutan ko ang galit ng nanay ko at sumama ako sa mga kaklase ko.

Sulet. Ang ganda talaga ng dagat. Paborito kong klase ng dagat o ano mang katawang tubig e ung HINDI perpekto. Hindi parang beach sa boracay or el nido. Gusto ko ung ganda na may halong gulo. Gaya nung sa manila bay. Or yung port na daungan ng barko. Parang ung osaka bay na lagi naming pinupuntahan ng bisikleta kong si Mandy.

Nung araw na un, inabangan talaga namin na tuluyang bumaba ung araw hanggang matabunan na sya ng dagat. Yun yung goal. Kaso nung sobrang konti nalang ang natitira sa araw, biglang may dumaan na barko. Humarang sya mismo dun sa harap ng araw. Mega hintay kami pero OA sa bagal ung barko. Parang pusang buntis na may habit na tumawid kung kelan may sasakyang dumadaan. Tas pag alis nung barko, wala na, hindi na namin na witness ang tuluyang pagbaba ng araw.

Pero ok lang. Hindi parin ako nagsisi. Sulit ang galit ng nanay ko sakin kasi ang ganda ng dagat. Ang ganda ng araw. Ang sarap ng hangin na humampas sa mukha ko at kahit ung mga parang ipis na gumagapang sa batuhan malapit sa dagat, na appreciate ko.

Yun yung naalala ko kanina habang sinusubukan kong mag meditate at ramdam ko ang hangin sa mukha ko galing sa electric fan. Bukod sa pagmamahal ko sa dagat at hangin, narealize ko na mahal ko rin ang katahimikan.

Naisip ko rin...

Gusto ko makasama sa baywalk ung taong magiging importante saken. Gusto kong abangan namin ang sunset at sabay na ma upset pag biglang may dumaang barko. Mag kwe-kwentuhan, mag-iinisan, at pag naubusan na kami ng mapag kwekwentuhan, tatahimik. Gusto kong ma spend ang silence na gaya nito kasama ang taong mahalaga sa akin. Silence kasama ng taong tinuturing kong... Home.

Know what, self-sufficient akong tao. Sakali mang hindi ako makahanap ng mapapang asawa, sigurado ako magiging ok parin ako. Pero siguro.... Siguro lang ha... Kung matatagpuan ko yung taong gugustuhin kong makasamang damhin ang katahimikan sa baywalk....

Sa tingin ko.... Talagang aalagaan ko.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 10:06 PM.

3 comments





memories and stuff
Monday: July 31, 2017



around summer 2003. our dog, shaider, just died and so tito danny gave us a new dog. a small brown puppy i named piggy boy. mom told me to let the puppy out so that it can pee or something else. my baby cousin, kenken, who lived next door, saw me with the puppy so he came to us to make usyoso.

"ate, anong pangalan ng tuta?"

"pig"

"hi pig! hello pig!"

ate cel, the mother, heard the whole thing and made a scene. she angrily went to where we were and said,

"hoy! bakit mo tinuturuan ng mali ang anak ko? hindi pig yan, anak, dog yan!"

i almost died laughing.

----

i remember you, you know. in the same way that i remember you every time that im not thinking of anyone else.

the last time, i saw that you have all three sets of hp books na from different publishers. we used to save every peso to buy a single one, ngayon may collection ka na at hard bound pa.

ipa-publish na rin pala yung book mo. at soil talaga napili mo... related sa PS naten. at ang kaisa isang subject na nagwasak sa puso ko. tanda mo pa ba ang buong kwento?

kamusta ka na?

kamusta ka na nga ba?

sabi may kakayahan daw ang brains naten na gawing better ang memories naten sa mga tao than what it really was. ineexagg daw ng utak naten ang mga alaala. well, siguro nga. hindi narin naman mahalaga.

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had our neighbor straighten my hair last sat. sabi ko lagyan nya ng body para hindi mukhang walis. ginawa nya naman. pero eto, mejo mukhang walis parin, pero keribels. 6 months from now, ipapa kulot ko to. sana'y mapatawad ako ng buhok ko sa madalas kong panglalapastangan sa kanya.

----

kailangan kong gumawa ng speech. ang daming TM-related activities hindi na makasabay ang wallet ko.

paminsan minsan naalala ko ulet yung taong kinakalimutan ko pero siguro ok na yon.

sa ngayon, gusto kong mag focus sa pag ayos ko sa buhay ko.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 03:00 PM.

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birds
Monday: July 24, 2017



-type mo rin ba?

-nope

-ayos! therefore, di sya bading.

.

.

grabe sya.

had this convo with a girl friend last night. naaliw ako sa pagka action-packed ng lovelife ng mga single friends ko recently. and i love how they're so kerengkeng. birds of a feather flock together indeed.

i miss flexing my flirting muscles. im getting really bored with this self-imposed hiatus.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 03:51 PM.

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Running and overflow
Monday: July 10, 2017



Been feeling low since this morning. For one, i have terrible colds and runny nose and my head's aching a bit. Hassle mag sick leave sa cage so id rather crawl and die there.

Not in my best mood too. Bad trip kasi ung ang sakit ng ulo mo tas ang ingay ng cellphone mo. Weeks, pare, weeks. At kahit once hindi ko sinagot tawag mo, text mo at pm mo... Hindi parin ba clear?

Dad warned me of this boy. Dad rarely do that, so i know i have to listen. If only it won't be so much of a hassle to change number...

Yung gusto ka, hindi mo gusto. Yung gusto mo, hindi ka gusto. Quits lang naman. At least, mabait saken yung gusto ko.... Ay wait, minsan lang pala. Haha! But really, pramis, eto na yung pinakamabait na way na alam ko.

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A lot of things scare and confuse me so much lately so i went to the chap para maka heart to heart talk ang Langit. Nakakahiya na naaalala ko lang Siya at humahaba lang ang mga dasal ko pag may kailangan ako.

Minsan ang sarap yugyugin ang Langit at kulitin Sya na ibigay sayo ang gusto mo. Agad agad. Now na. Pero nalaman ko na ang peace pala matatagpuan lang pag natutunan mo nang mag let go.

Gagawin ko po ang lahat ng kaya ko in my power. As for the rest, Heavens, bahala Ka na...

"i didn't give you fear." This was what i heard inside my head as i was leaving the chap. Nakikipag usap din pala ang Langit or guniguni ko lang ba? It doesn't matter.

Hindi ko alam kung ibibigay ng Langit yung hinihingi ko, pero yung peace na binigay Nya sakin today, sapat na. Sobra sobra pa.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 09:43 PM.

2 comments





5mins quick jot
Monday: July 3, 2017



A lot of things.

-Hindi kinaya ng puso ko ung kilig dahil sa lovelife ni LA. Lakas maka teary-eyed. Kinilig ako please.

-So, Universe, ako kelan?

-naaning na ko sa system maintenance sa cage. Malapit na magwala ang mga customers.kelan ba to maayos? Huhuhu!

-puteeeek, wala pa kong speech! Gusto ko na maghyperventilate.

-meeting tita with her churchmates on sunday to sell my stuff.these people don't have issues with money. Oh please, z, dont mess this up.

-mom will be joining me.she's a sales talk genius. Yiy!

-buti nalang ang puso, malayo sa bituka. *wink wink*

-humihikbi man nakakangiti parin.

-thanks ha, Universe. *hart hart*



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Written by cinderellaareus at 09:35 PM.

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Corkscrew
Monday: June 26, 2017



1st time to ever spend a holiday at home in a long while. I actually took a leave for this. Errands, conversations, food. Lots of food. I remember about 5 years back when i got tired of dreaming for a better self and actually decided to make it happen. Then years passed and i sort of lost track. I miss getting tired like that.

------------

Today had it's own little bliss. Tito mario lent us a super cool sound system that really rocks (more like roar). We played party music with it and niece and i danced. I'm more of a country music girl and sometimes i also like jazz, but there's something about this super awesome sound system that's making me appreciate tugs tugs kind of music.

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Will be getting back to the cage tomorrow. Needless to say, im not really liking this. But i was reading sha's mission happiness book and i totally agree when she said that this has a purpose. That i have to pass this point so that i can get to my goals. That these are temporary. Sa ngayon, panghahawakan ko to.

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I remember he once asked, "natutuwa ka ba na may nanasasaktan ng dahil sayo?"

I swear the statement sounded more like an accusation than a question.

Tagalog and English are our common languages yet here we are speaking in riddles and metaphors. Why are we making being human so complicated?

Ikaw ba, natutuwa ka ba na may nasasaktak ng dahil sayo?



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Written by cinderellaareus at 06:20 PM.

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stress and strain
Monday: June 19, 2017



Pressure (noun)

-an urgent claim or demand or series of urgent claims or demands

-a burdensome condition that is hard to bear

source: www.thefreedictionary.com

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not in best mood. neither in best shape. probably pms.

i wonder if meeting people from the club tonight is a bad idea.

.

we're supposed to meet at 7.

it's not friday today.

i wonder if id better skip this.

------

eto na naman yung feeling na wala kang kagana gana sa buhay....

pak this.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 12:37 PM.

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Little happiness
Monday: June 12, 2017



Ang daming nagpasaya sakin sa araw na ito. Mga maliliit na bagay lang naman. Pero when put together, parang ang dami dami at ang big deal big deal, they are making my heart swell. 

1. APAC people weren't at work. It was just partner and I and boy, I loved the silence. I thank God for silence. 

2. Progress in partner's love life. I swore not to tell anyone, so I can't write the details. Things may not seem as good for now, but this is a huge progress. I feel happy for partner and I feel positive that things will turn out to be better.

3. Met up with a customer this evening. Got a sale. Sabi nila, business is about love daw. Ngayon ko lang lubusang nagets ang ibig sabihin nito. I pray that my product will bless my customer immensely. Totoo nga siguro na people may doubt your intensions and reject your persuasions, but once they felt your love (this is something that cannot be faked) they can never say no. No one can ever say no to love. 

4. Chatted via messenger chat group with HS friends. My heart swell with love and gratitude for being able to meet and keep these amazing people. HS wasn't smooth sailing. But look, I survived and even emerged with good friends in the process. 

5. Brother's 1St day tomorrow in his new company. I'm excited for him and I'm happy that he finally found the courage to leave the company he served for more than 10 years. 

6. Light talk over dinner with my family. At the end of the day, they will remain to be my most precious treasures. 

7. Peace. Nabasa ko before na malalaman mo daw if tama ang desisyon mo depende sa amount ng peace na nararamdaman mo. Tingin ko, natagpuan ko yung peace na yun sayo. This peace didn't come in the package I expected. I probably won't stand up for this too. Gaya ng dati. Siguro, hindi rin naman kasi kailangan. Sigurado akong hindi ko ikatutuwa na mapunta sa iba ang peace ko. But I'm keeping my chill for now. I remember, someone I once cherished told me, "wag mong pilitin ang sarili mo, siguro may panahon talaga sa mga bagay bagay." Sa ngayon, panghahawakan ko to. 

Truth is, I'm a little drained in the financial front, but whenever I count my blessings, feeling ko talaga, ang yaman yaman ko. 



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Written by cinderellaareus at 10:01 PM.

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