A friend sent a screenshot from a message she had with J.

Friend was inviting him for some event as another male friend was coming. Then J was like. "Yeah, pwede. Let's see. Dapat kasama din si Z." That's just his usual flirty banat.

He's always flirty with me in front of our friends, even when I'm not around. Pero pag kami lang, walang ganung usapan. There's this one time that a girl was clinging on to him which made our friends tease the two of them. Then, when we're finally alone, he made it clear to me that he's not interested with the girl, even when I wasn't asking.

Ilang taon na tayong ganito, J? Always flirting, but never really getting there. Sa totoo lang, I'm also not sure what I want to do with you. Siguro, okay na rin yung ganito. One time, I told you I don't want to have children. You paused for a bit, then just shrugged it off. I feel like you're convinced that you can talk me into changing my mind about it. Kahit yung difference natin in religion, sinabi mo na willing kang maging catholic ulet depende sa mapag uusapan, but I don't think you'd actually do it. Worth it ba na kailangan natin mag compromise for eachother?

Well, whatever. Sa ngayon, wala rin talaga ako sa posisyon para mag-isip ng mga ganyang bagay.

Dad's 70th birthday soon. Kailangan ko na namang magbenta ng stocks for that, and for our next month's budget. Wala akong matinong plano on how to earn money ng hindi nagtatrabaho. I'm thinking maybe I can earn through creating social media content, pero hindi pala ganun kadali. Even my BL page, hindi rin tumataas ang earnings. I had higher views when I was in Japan last month. Siguro dahil they have more lenient community guidelines. I have over 5 flagged contents, it seems to be affecting my site's recommendability. Posible kaya na magkaron ako ng kita dito na enough to replace my salary kung mag eeffort ako? Gaano ba kalaki ang market ng BL readers? Haaah.  Hindi ko alam. 

I also tried to start a travel-related page. 3 contents later, isa lang yung naging subscriber ko. Even Tiktok's not any easier.

Ano bang gagawin ko?

Pag dating ng August at hindi parin ako nakakahanap ng sustainable income, I probably need to find a job na. I feel defeated. God, ano pa bang ibang pwede kong gawin?

Ang weird siguro na pinanghihinaan ka kaagad ng loob, kahit hindi mo pa naibibigay ang lahat ng abot sa makakaya mo.

I'm a self-indulgent, desire-driven type of person. Hindi talaga ako kasipagan. And the times that I succeeded in my endeavors e only during those times na meron akong strong desire to have that something. 

I do want to go back to my lifestyle before leaving my previous job. Gusto ko ulet mag travel. And I want to bring my parents to beautiful places, buy the things they like, and make them experience the finer things in life. Sapat ba tong desires ko to make me unstoppable? Sapat ba to to make me kick my lazy ass off and actually do something about my situation?

It's extremely comfortable dito sa bahay, you know. I can sleep long, eat freshly-cooked meals. I don't have to dread the traffic or getting wet when it's raining. I can cuddle my cats, my niece and nephew, annoy Mom and Dad, and read BL all day long...

Pero kasi... I need money. And even setting that aside, hindi rin masayang gumising knowing na tutunganga ka lang naman buong araw. Masarap humilata, oo, pero hindi naman talaga masaya. 

Haaaaa. Ano bang gagawin ko?

Gusto ko paring maniwala na pag nagsawa na kong magtamad tamaran ay bigla nalang akong matatauhan, at maa awaken ko ang version ko na kayang kumita ng massive amounts of money, skillfully, effortlessly.

Tokwa. Kaya ko to.

10:04 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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