Christmas eve.

when "Merry Christmas" actually meant "goodbye"...

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it was the emperor's bday yesterday so we didnt have to go to work.

i was suppose to do lots of stuff but was only able to do 20% of the work. well, we dont have work for the last week of the year so id have plenty of time to catch up. keri langs.

Christmas eve tonight. i dont know if the relatives will put up a party later considering lola's state. age has been taking its toll on her lately. i wonder if they will just send out food to everyone in the compound. im ok with anything though. brother, wife and kid will be in cavite for Christmas, leaving mom, dad and me all by ourselves. ive got work too on the 25th so im actually ok with it. we agreed to open our presents by new year once bro and his family's back home.

bff called last night. it was almost midnight and i was still up. she's asking me to go to their new home's house blessing. got work so i declined. she invited me instead to come over by sat. i will.

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highschool graduation, more than a decade back. while everyone else were heading off from one grad party to another, bff, injan and i excused ourselves from our parents, friends and classmates to be left with ourselves for awhile.

with that after-graduation silence, we sat at the stage facing the open quadrangle to where we use to have our flag ceremony. we talked, we laughed, we talked about about our plans, dreams and anxiety... you know what, back then, i know i was set out to conquer the world....

i dont know what's with this reminiscing... guess im just feeling a bit blue. apparently, things didnt turn out as planned.

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kcon talks had been available for download for what feels like ages. our internet connection at home sucks so i sacrificed sleep because the speed gets considerably better by around midnight but still i was only able to download 2 of the talks.

listened to sis rissa's talk, the impatient bride. i liked it so much ive listened to it twice and intends to listen some more. i feel like the Heavens had personally sent that talk for me.

was particularly hit by sis rissa's answer to that 2nd question from the q&a that went into something like:

"i've noticed that single women gets so attracted to married men that some gets eaten up into this kind of relationship for  a long time. how can we possibly get out of this?"

sis rissa's answer was beyond enlightening. i cant believe i passed this class up.

i love the whole talk but it was the last part that rang in me the most. sis rissa was recounting what she have done. on how she had searched through the feast's singles ministry just to find a godly man. or on how she was willing to dig into her inheritance- or whatever money she had at that time just to join Christian singles cruises (as to what that is, i have no idea--will google later). sis rissa said that she did all these so that when the time comes that she's at the point where she have to be single for life, at least she can look back and say "at least, i tried." ganun. nice right. i feel like i am now operating in that same mindset. love life and otherwise.

i want to keep trying until i can try no more so that when the time comes that im on the edge of my dying days, even if, say, i failed to get what i want, i can tell to myself that, i didnt just waited for things to happen. that i tried. that ive given my best. ganun.

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for the coming year, im setting out for an overhaul. i want clean the mess ive made in the past and fix what can be fixed.

when i was young, i thought i would never grow old. that id always be in that phase where i have a whole lifetime ahead of me. now im old and the fact that my time is limited, just as how everyone else's is, is now finally sinking in.

i can fail. i can die. i can lose people i love. i can build something in a year and lose it in a day. i can be laughed at, mocked, riduculed, or everything else more morbid than that... but should that prevent me from trying?

life could be tough, but you have to live it anyway. so why not live it in the most awesome way possible?

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last night, when i remembered our highschool graduation, i wondered what my 16 year old self would say if she could see what she became now..

so i searched deep... and asked her..

"z, are you proud of me?"

she thought for a while, smiled and said, "yes."

this made me happy.

i dont have the power to edit the past. but with whatever power i have today, i want to do all i can so that when i get to that time when im 60 years old, my 60 year old self will look back on her 30 year-old self and ask, "are you proud of me?" my 30 year old self, will not only answer "yes" but will answer, "absolutely. you even exceeded my expectations" with a smile.

i guess i owe it to my 60 year old self to have that kind of response, right?

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2016.

new year. new beginning.

i dont know what the world has in store for me.

but i am ready.

and yeah, it's not new year yet.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

10:38 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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