hey! it's been a while. seems like a lot had happened here, my last entry's now no longer on top of tabby's timeline.

so how are things going?

im feeling dizzy. probably from not sleeping. i actually spent the first 2 hours of today's work at the sleeping quarter's half asleep. just half asleep. i havent really been sleeping fully without sleep hormones supplement lately. i forgot to eat breakfast  too. weird, im not feeling hungry at all.

been on a never-ending sneezing fit a lot of times lately. i hate allergies. i usually find rest from sneezing at the office because it's usually clinically clean. But right now, about 5 meters away from my work station, there are men fixing the ceiling...now i cant stop sneezing again. that is 5 fu*king meters. i cant believe my nose can detect allergens even that far. damn allergies!

seems like my allergies had evolved a bit. i use to just sneeze non-stop, now my eyes are itching and hurting too. ive long stopped taking meds. i think it was just making me worse. i have pretty bad sinusitis too. my meds were mostly antihistamine, so maybe they cant make my sinusitis better anyway, so yeah, guess they have to go.

brother has allergies too. it's in the blood, probably. my neice started sneezing just a few hours after she was born. i remember brother once told me that his doctor adviced him to get rid of our dogs to stop his allergies.. i hate sneezing. i hate the itchy eyes and all.. but all these i can put up with, just leave my dogs alone, ok? jeez.. im glad my brother said the same thing back then.

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brother's birthday tomorrow. he wont be home. he's got work out of town. we'll be celebrating by sat. every year, i find the month of July the hardest month to survive financially since everyone else's birthday in our family, which are just two weeks apart, are all cramped up late June and July. It's also the hardest month to go on diet too.

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spent the last four days at home. well, not exactly since we went out from time to time. it's just weird how swift days go by when you're not working.

mom brought me a new bed. ive been complaining about back pain for the longest time. Now, she took pity and brought me a new one. i chose the one with air holes that looked much like an egg tray. no back pain since. we also saw this desk with a display cabinet attached to it. it was beautifully designed ive never seen anything like it before. dad saw my delight on the thing and promised to buy it for me on my birthday...

i just find it weird.. the last time, mom hired someone to build a cabinet for my clothes. now bed. and then dad will soon buy me a desk... wala lang. it seems like they are so sure im staying for good. i wonder if it ever crossed their mind to think that i might get married one day, right? well, yeah, maybe not. but still-- idk.

in a way, it feels comforting. ive seen how brother's and sis-in-law's lives change since they got married. it sure has its bliss, but on not so few occasions, there are those not-so-good times too..things that id rather not experience myself.

just from observing, i realized that marriage requires compromise, sacrifice and real hardwork. not exactly my expertise. i feel like marriage, or even just a relationship outside my family, is something that my comfort zone doesnt cover. ive always challenged what was comfortable in different areas of my life, but i haven't really ventured so far in this department.

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i was transferring photos to my PC when i noticed i only have a few free spaces left. took my brother's hard disk, which is a lot more spacious, but i realized, it too doesnt have much free space anymore. pretty soon we'll be needing to delete most of our files or buy a new hd, but i dont think that's an option. to keep precious memories safe, i uploaded most of my photos in FB. in a "family-only" album, of course. then, i ask, why? why not include friends? just to challenge what's comfortable, i set it to "friends-only"...and then, there. i just realized my antisocial behaviour goes beyond normal. with every reaction i recieved, i felt compelled to crawl back to the cave and set the pictures into private again, thinking things like, "Omigad! they saw it?!", getting irrationally panicky and all.. it's just weird. i felt like i was baring my soul to people who dont really know me that much. im not really sure what im afraid of.. i guess i just value privacy??? which is weird because this blog, for one, is nowhere near private.

i remember reading about people building walls around themselves so as not to let people in. Ive built with pretty thick walls myself and im having a hard time to peel them down now. but i figured that if i want to be the person that i want to be... that if i want to grow up and become better, i need to get this wall down..

...

so i guess im uploading more picture there soon.

believe me, i prefer having a root canal. 

10:53 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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