im dead sleepy. less than 3 hours sleep for the last three days and counting. mom and i went to tita edna's place last night. hours i spent there i couldve spent sleeping but i think it was worth it. she shared stories, offered help and generally provided motivation to help me make some scary decision i have to act out on soon. talking with her had somehow lessen the doubt i had. but it is still here... kinakabahan pa rin talaga ko..pero kasi.. bahala na. the worst case scenario is that id lose a fair amount of money. it's an amount i can afford to pay so i guess, it's gonna be ok, right? so, go!

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some guy a met about a week back added me in fb. i accepted the request, and promptly turned off my phone. jeez, what's wrong with you, z?

i dont know. im finding men a tad bit threatening lately, they're making my slightly commitment-phobe self want to curl into a cocoon or run for dear life. i think it has something to do with the convo i had with shara a few days ago. 

shara is one of my favorite people in the world. i appreciated how she had been concerned, for as long as i remember, about my love life. especially now that nini had just gotten married. she's been texting me and asking me things regarding getting married and all. she's just like most of my other friends and relatives. well,i understand their point. sometimes i wish i can also feel their sense of urgency on this matter though because, if so, then maybe i will be exerting more effort in getting myself out of this as if being single is some major life problem that needs to be solved.

there are so many things i want to do with my life right now and i dont think getting married will help me get them at all. in fact i think marriage could even prevent me from reaching them.

also, i dont want to leave my family. i dont want to leave my comfortable home to live with my in-laws and wash the dishes and clothes, cook meals, sweep floors and change diapers. that would be a downgrade to my current life. it scares me to think that maybe im not really the marrying type...

but then i love the idea of family too. of sticking up together thru good times and bad. on passing the values and skills ive learned to my children. of raising God-loving kids and teaching them to be great citizens. of going to church every week together. of taking care of them when they're sick. of reading stories as they sleep. of sharing coffee with a loving husband on a lazy weekend morning. or a walk by the park when we're both crinkled and old. of fidelity. of proving that im a good woman capable of loving one man and that i can be faithful. of proving that i can be a good and loving mother capable of raising good kids. then this would be an upgrade.

i dont know if i'm gonna get married in this life time or not and sometimes i dont care at all. right now, my dreams are to give my parents a great life. to get rich. to find whatever it is that i was born for. to find greatness. i dont think these things are bad exchanges to dreams of getting married.

03:53 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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