I will do my best to give my most honest take on this so I cannot guarantee that this will be without any drama. 

"Buti nalang merong langit na nagtatanggol sa pag-ibig na pursigido't matyaga" was a line from the song I was reciting inside my head last Friday night to remind myself that the Heavens rewards our efforts as I was trying to memorize and rehearse my speech until past 1am leaving me with less than 2.5 hours sleep. 

You know what, I take losing worse than a heartbreak. Because heartbreak happens with another person involved, while losing happens solely because of, well, yourself, right? 

I asked the Heavens to make everything OK that day. That's be best I can hope for. I was so scared of messing up and I really can't bring myself to ask for a victory for 2 reasons:

1. I think that winning should be a side effect of getting better. If I win out of luck or mercy from the Heavens eventhough I'm not yet better, I'd be missing the point. 

2. I am a person of focus (someone who sucks at multitasking). Since the whole contest thing started, I put on hold the plans I have for this year. These are crying to be executed and I know full well the repercussions if I will fail doing them. 

Pero masakit pa rin no? 

Alam mo, ikaw ang mefemamic acid ko in times similar to this. As long as you're there, okay lang. So when u stood up and told us you have to go back for the afternoon contest, I just watched u and felt all hurt rushing back. 

Our club bagged the gold in table topics and the next 2 awards for international speech where the champion from another club was a 2-times national champion. I was 2nd runner up. Well, you know how I can be like, right?

I wonder if I just imagined it or people just suddenly sounded consoling. I hate hearing kindness during my losing moments. It's like having salt added to my wounds. But don't get me wrong. I'm happy that mel won and tj got the 1st runner up. My club is like home for me and people in it, my family. I will never see family as a competition. I see my victory and theirs separately even when we're competing for the same contest. 

And then there's neri. What I found most adorable about her is her innocence. Her childlike raw honesty. She's like a fresh air in the sea of polluted niceties. But yesterday she said something like, 'if Jay was able to join,  we would've gotten a back to back." I know she was just being neri. I don't hate her for that. But it hurts. It was like being told, "dapat kasi si Jay nalang sumali e. Bakit ikaw pa. Edit sana nanalo tayo." But with neri's innocence, I know she doesn't see it that way. 

I received a message request in fb last night. It came from sir Raul, the contest chair for our table topics contest. His message said:

Hi Zah!  Thanks for the like in our Eastwood page.  I enjoyed your presentations this morning at the Area 2 contest and I believe you will go farther in your Toastmasters journey.  Hearing your accounts about the people you encountered in Japan fans my hopes that one day, my daughter can have such adventures to talk about when she becomes a career lady like yourself.  See you soon.

Maybe he  just wanted to say thank you for liking their page and maybe he just happen to add the rest of the message and maybe he didn't mean it as much as it means for me. This warmed my broken heart. 

Gaya ng normal na broken heart, alam kong lilipas din naman to. Pero syempre, yung sugat, mag iiwan ng peklat. Sana hindi ito maging dahilan para Hindi na ko magtry ulet. 

I salute the inner warriors inside me who fought a good fight. I was trying and is still trying not to say any words damaging to them. I must say, they did remarkable. The table topics speech exceeded the expectations. All in all, the Heavens gave me what I wanted. He made everything OK. 

In a way, I wish I could spend some more time learning from my coaches and meeting new people through them. I know it's not that I won't anymore, but still... 

Sana pala nakapagpa picture ako sa pusa ni Ivan na si Zee. I don't know if I'd get to visit their place again. 

A lot of new talented members are emerging. We'll never know if I get to get past the club contest and join again. Darating kaya yung time na imbes na kaba e excitement ung mararamdaman ko during announcement ng winners dahil in my heart I know I'm the winner. Mga ganun. 

Sabi nila, if you're the smartest, most talented and the best in the room, then you're in the wrong room. I know I'm still in the right room in my club. I hope my inner warriors will use this knowledge to improve and get better. 

I need some time to heal. I need to do it in silence without any consoling messages even those that are masked with congratulations. 

From here on, I will continue to move on achieving the things I want to achieve this year. 

09:20 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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