Entries in category "日曜日"


日曜日. February 16, 2020

Yokka

House Arrest Day 4.

It's a Sunday kaya kompleto ang pamilya. May plano na naman silang kumain. Kailangang makahanap ako ng mas matinding motivation.

I had this crush since 2016. We went out around 2018-ish kaso, ayun. Mejo awkward. Pero kahit ganon, naiinspire ako sa taong yun. Ang dami naming common values. In awe din ako on how much he loves God. Yun nga lang, hindi kami parehas ng religion.

The guy posted the last time, his collection of SB mugs from different countries he'd been to. Nakita ko yung Kaohsiung, Taichung at Taoyuan, which are cities of Taiwan. I searched his album for his Taiwan pics and found yung wishes na sinulat nya sa floating lantern in Shilin:

- 8-pack abs

- low body fat

- basketball knee

- good health

- long life

- sexy

Lol. I don't know kung natupad ba nya. He never posted shirtless pics of himself in FB.

Ano nga dreams ko? I only had 1 major dream in life na natupad ko when I was 23. After that, mga mababaw na bagay nalang. Pero di ba, kahit mababaw, hindi naman ibig sabihin non, hindi na importante. Sa ngayon, ito yung mga pangarap na naiisip ko:

-maging National Champion sa Evaluation Contest 

-maging World Champion sa International Speech Contest

-mag travel a la Eat, Pray, Love

-magmukhang 20 years old regardless what actual age I'm in

-magkaroon 26 inches waistline

Now that I've actually written it, hindi naman pala ganon kababaw. Lol. Pero sa tingin ko, yung mga ganitong pangarap e madali namang tuparin basta maniniwala ka lang at kahit paano e mag effort din para matupad yun. Pero may mga pangarap kasi na beyond our control. Eto yung mga pangarap na kadalasan e may ibang taong involved. Gaya ng isa ko pang pangarap:

Bumuo ng pamilya.

But even that, sa tingin ko e makukuha mo rin naman kung gusto mo talaga. In my case, sa tingin ko kasi, masyado kong nae-enjoy ang buhay dalaga, hindi ko sure kung kaya ko ba talagang i-give up lahat ng nae-enjoy ko ngayon kapalit ng pag-aasawa. Worth it ba?

Siguro worth it naman. Kailangan ko lang talagang mamili ng tamang taong makakasama.


01:05 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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日曜日. January 26, 2020

PreFeb

Some messages from a single friend. I wouldn't notice that vday is up and coming if it wasn't for this. We still don't have a venue for this Friday's meeting. My leave is not yet officially approved. NCoV swiftly spreading accross Asia, and I'm going to Taiwan with parents. No news yet as to weather my wish to have the Division contest moved to a later date after my trip. The District Convention on April. My leaves. Next month's work sched. Etc, etc. 

See, busy is good. Hindi ko namalayan ang Valentines. 

Ayoko pumasok ng Feb 14. Traffic nyan. Madaming may hawak na flowers. Ano kayang shift ko sa February? Nakakainis na wala kaming meeting sa club nyan. Gusto kong patulan yung weekedn getaway na nakita ko sa FB kaso baka wala pa kong pera nyan bilang kagagaling ko lang Taiwan by then. Mag sick leave kaya ko? Wala naman ako ivi-VL ng March. Ok lang kahit masira ang stat. Nakakatamad.

If I will step back and look at my life, ano na bang nangyari sa buhay ko? 

Gusto ko parin mag asawa. Bumuo ng pamilya. Pero wala akong pake sa mga nang pe pressure sakin na gawin ito agad agad. See, I've worked on myself all these years to become a better human being. I can't just settle sa unang goon na magkagusto sakin just because of my ticking body clock. Wala akong pake. I'm upholding my standards and I truly believe that mine are reasonable. 

As of the moment, tatlong lalaki lang ang tingin kong may interes sakin. Dalawa sa kanila, may asawa. Yung isa... ugh, never mind. Basta. Sa totoo lang, since I'm a woman who genuinely likes men, I always see something nice about every man I meet. Appreciative naman ako sa mga ginagawa nila for me. Pero, PERO, sa tingin ko, hangga't mahal ko ang nanay ko, hindi ako papatol sa may asawa. Wala akong pake kahit ilang taon na kayong hiwalay. Walang divorce sa Pilipinas. Ayokong maging kabit. Sabi nila, mahirap daw magsalita ng tapos, pero sana mapangatawanan ko to habang buhay.

Okay naman ako. I'm happy with all that I have. And even at times that I feel so stressed out with what's going on with my life, I still feel grateful. I have never felt that I'm lacking anything. Feeling ko nga, bonus nalang sakin ang pagkakaroon pa ng jowa.

But I do want to build a family. Yung family na sabay nagsisimba. Lahat ng mga natutunan ko while I've been growing myself as a single woman, ituturo ko sa mga magiging anak ko. Ang goal na ito lang naman ang basis ko sa standards ko sa lalaki. Dapat single. Dapat Catholic. Dapat may good moral character and values. May physical strength ng isang lalaki na magiging leader ng pamilya. Kahit hindi kasing laki ng sahod ko ang sahod nya, keri na, basta may maayos na trabaho. Optional lang, pero sana naman matalino rin para matatalino yung magiging anak namin. Yung hindi rin naninigarilyo because my eyes very sensitive to smoke,  and I can't stand the smoke. At syempre ayoko rin naman yung maaga syang mamamatay dahil sa lung cancer.

Reasonable naman di ba?

Pero ok lang din.

Pag hindi ko to nahanap, ie-enjoy ko nalang ang buhay ko.


11:00 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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日曜日. January 19, 2020

Conflict

Gusto ko ng designer's bag.

Gusto ko lang. Hindi naman ako bibili.

Tsaka paano naman ako bibili kung alam kong may pinatay na crocodile o kaya ostrich para lang dun sa bag ko.

Hindi nga ako kumakain ng hayop e.

Pero gusto ko parin ng designer's bag.

Sabagay, nagtitipid naman ako.

Magtayo kaya ako ng couture brand na cruelty free. Mamahalan ko ng bongga para magkandarapa ang mga mayayaman at gustong magmukhang mayaman para bumili.


10:46 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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日曜日. December 7, 2019

Night owl

Last Friday was our club's YEC. This is the first time, since I became a member, na hindi ako umattend. Hindi na rin ako nakaattend ng Club Officer's Training the following day, bilang 6am ang end ng shift ko. 8am-4pm training at malamang tulog ako sa mga oras na yan.

Though I miss hanging out with my people, ok lang naman.

----

So, I just survived a week in graveyard shift. Not as bad as I thought. Parang nakaka adjust na rin ang body clock ko. Gaya today, kagigising ko lang kaninang 5pm. Malamang, gising ako hanggang mamayang umaga. Ang kagandahan dito e wala na akong oras gumala kaya wala rin akong masyadong gastos.

Sa work part, ok lang rin. Ang daming calls but I can't find myself complaining about it, because I actually like that I'm learning so much. Bukod don, ang bait ng seatmate ko at ang galing pa nya. Since hindi ko pa sya ka close, nahihiya rin ako magtanong. Pero Nakakatuwa na pag nakikita nya kong nag re-research, he'd go like, "anong nireresearch mo dyan?" Then, I wouldn't have to ask na. Tas pag may tanong ako na hindi nya alam, sya na ang nagtatanong kila TL for me.

Mabait siguro ako nung past life ako. Ang babait ng nga taong itinatabi sakin ng langit e.

-----

Another thing na gusto ko sa night shift e yung quietness ng paligid pag lumalabas ka sa gabi/madaling araw. Sobrang ganda. Tapos ang presko pa ng hangin. Kaya siguro hindi ko rin talaga namimiss ang morning shift. Pero kahit ganun, ayoko magtagal sa ganito. Baka lalo akong maging antisocial.


11:28 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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日曜日. November 24, 2019

Lucky

SO, there is this dude I'm interested in. I met him at an event I went to last Sat. I checked his profile and fb and found the we've a lot of common friends who are TM's. Turned out, he's actually a Toastmaster in a club around Mandaluyong. 

Kung siniswerte ka nga naman... ^_<


04:23 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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日曜日. November 17, 2019

Sunday

She kisses him on the neck, holds his land like he's hers.

She knows.

Yet she stays despite knowing what he is, maybe hoping he'll someday change.

I've been there. I kinda understand. But I'm not going back. I want to do it right, this time around.

------

Got back home at around 8am. Slept around 9 and woke up by 12. Antok na antok ako at work kagabi. I sat next to PK, which was probably the best decision of the day. I have an officemate who seems to have loose screws. She was sitting on my usual seat and I don't know what would've happened if she ended up sitting next to me.

Got 3 calls. Marami na yun considering that I usually get just around 1 or none at all, daily. PK's shift ends at 1am. Good thing he stayed until a little past 4. It kept me awake. When he left, Wendy came shortly, so I was able to fight off my sleepiness.

Naging mabait siguro ako nung past life ko. Ang babait kasi ng mga binigay sakin ni God na katrabaho.

--------

I want to do it right, this time around.

I'm going to do it right, this time around.

But...

...

.

How?


02:59 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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日曜日. September 29, 2019

Declaration

Sunday. I just got back home. I've decided to commute to work at least for this week. 

1. To make up for the expenses this weekend

2. To have better food option

Susubukan ko na maging vegetarian. Well, I think maraming uri ng diet ang kumakain ng mostly veggies. I won't go really strict. I want to start without pork, beef and chicken, ganern. I plan to eat eggs and other animals na walang backbone (because I've read somewhere na animals without backbone don't feel pain). Ang main point ng lahat ng ito e anti-cruelty anik. IDK. Gusto ko lang subukan.

Also, gusto ko na rin talagang pumayat. Low-carbs, high-fat, moderate-protein diet is the most effective to me though. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko magagawa yun with a vegetarian diet.

By next week, mag-eenrol ako sa Curves. Syempre aalamin ko muna if meron silang branch na open 24/7.

-gusto ko rin mag-aral ng violin

-gusto ko ulet sumali sa speech contests

-gusto kong maging World Champion by 2020

-mag president kaya ko next term? *scratch that, too stressful*

-mag-aral kaya ako ng violin? (Said this twice)

-gusto ko mag take ng JLPT N2 by July

-maging masaya

-bumuo ng sarili kong pamilya

For some reason, it feels easier to plan the future these days, kahit na yung last item sa list ko, required na may isa pang taong involved. Pero, kaya ko naman yun di ba? Sakaling hindi ko na kaya, the Heavens has infinite resources to help me.

There are 3 archangels mentioned in the bible. Sabi nila may 7 daw na archangels who are seated in God's throne, pero 3 lang ang pinangalanan sa bible-- Michael, Gabriel and Rafael.

Michael means "who is like God". This is the name of my brother.

Gabriel means "the power of God". This is the name of someone close to me.

Raphael means "it is God who heals". This is how I'd probably name my child. If God will give me a son, that is.

Raphael. What a beautiful name.


04:44 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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日曜日. September 29, 2019

Lavish

Over breakfast, Brother shared about his bro-in-law who just bought an expensive drone he doesn't even need. This same dude buys expensive gadgets and changes into new ones even when the fairly newly brought item is still fully functioning. Their house is creaking old and badly needs a renovation. Having been raised by a money-wise mother, this baffles me and my brother. 

I can't call Mom stingy. We never lack food growing up. And when we eat out, we were given the liberty to choose what and how much food we want, eventhough we were poor. She spends wisely though. And she's strict about not wasting water, electricity and everything else that will incur damage to the house hold budget. She also highly discouraged taking loans and spending more than we can afford. She taught us to live simply. I think it's all thanks to Mom that I'm fairly doing fine with the money that I currently possess. 

I own 2 credit cards I never maxed out and always paid in full every salary cut off. With this, enjoy 1% cashback in all my spending (protip: if you're using bdo, try amex cashback!)

I rent a room I pay for only 3k a month when I can afford a condo.

My sneakers, I bought for 100 on-sale in SM kahit afford ko nag Converse or even Lacoste.

I do spend lavishly on food though. Just like Mom.

Brother is scared on getting a credit card. I told him Mom trained us well so I'm confident he would not fall into cc debt and will end up enjoying the benefits of having one instead. I wonder how Mom felt hearing us having that kind of convo about her.

If God will give me children of own in the future, I wish that they will also see me as how I see Mom- a wonderful, capable woman who raised her children to be the same.

-------

W: how about we talk over coffee or a chat?

Z: why not?

Guess, I'm back on the dating scene?


12:59 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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日曜日. September 29, 2019

Close but not quite

This explains a lot.

******

Dreaming Boy

By Sarah Kay

In most of the dreams I remember from childhood, I am a boy. Rescuing a maiden from a tower, or not rescuing anyone in particular, but definitely a boy.

For years, when the only language I had were the scraps tossed from the popular kids table, “lesbian” seemed as likely an explanation as anything. What does it mean to dream myself a gender? What does it mean to hold that secret beneath my tongue?

The first time I kissed a boy, he was so tall, his lips so soft I dreamt of the ocean for weeks, never in control of my limbs. Next to him, I seemed a convincing enough girl. At least when I was awake. At night, I was Batman. At night, a fireman. At night, a boy, with muscles in boy places, and a firm hand, and a direction to run.

The first time I kissed a girl, I did not like the way our faces melted into each other. Where was the stubble? The hard jaw, the cinnamon, I could not breathe through all her lilac. I dreamt about being lost in a forest of a terrible tidal wave. If I was not a lesbian, what possible explanation did I have? What words could I tie around this treacherous heart, this impossible hunger, this miserable mind.

The first time I saw you, someone said, “oh, he’s definitely gay”. And maybe that was the confusion I recognised.

The first time we kissed, you told me to take it slow. I placed my hand against your ribcage and you moved it away. I felt like a fourteen year old trying to get a bra strap off.

You spent the night anyway, and we lay next to each other breathing, my hands inches away from your boxer shorts twitching under the covers.

The next morning, you made the bed and folded all of my clothes while I was at class. You learnt to play the harp and sang me songs while you played.

For my birthday, you baked me a triple layer cake, woke up early to ice it. I watched your shirtless torso push icing through a tube - I have never loved a body the way I loved yours In that moment.

You picked flowers on your way to class, leave bouquets in every room. When you danced, the walls leaned closer to get closer to you.

When I finally asked you if you might want to date boys, I held my breath while you thought about it for a long, quiet moment.

“I haven’t met one I’d like to date yet,” you said. “And right now, I’m pretty in love with you, if that’s okay.”

And just like that, I did not crave language I always thought I needed. And just like that, a hand reached backwards into a faraway dream and said, “come on then, we’ve got a maiden to save.”

I guess what I am saying is you make me feel like a boy, like the boy I have always been.

At night, I climb trees and wear cargo shorts. I steal buildings and I build fires. When I wake I am curled around your back, the happiest big spoon in my drawer. You are naked and heavy breathing, the man I love. I hold your body like the gift it is, and safely sink back into dreams.


10:05 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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私の名前はZです。


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