Friday. March 9, 2018


pag hindi mo daw kayang i-explain ang point mo in a very simple and understandable manner, then you don't understand your point enough.

siguro nga.

naiirita na ko. hindi ko mabigyang ng decent ending 'tong BSP10 ko. Pag pina-repeat pa ko ulet, ayawan na. magpapaka layu layo nalang ako.



They say that the reason why human beings tend to see the same things differently is that each of us sees things through our own different lenses. Some people see through the “lens of happiness” where everything they see makes them happy. There are those who see things through the “lens of gratitude” where they see things as blessings to be thankful for. There are those who see through the “lens of wow”. To them, everything is a discovery of magic and wonder.

I might’ve seen through many different lenses in my entire lifetime, but there is this one lens that took me some time to really appreciate and understand its purpose. The lens called death.

My understanding of death had been a rollercoaster ride since the time that I gained consciousness of it.
They say that every artist is attracted with death as moths are attracted to a light bulb. Aren’t all of us artists in our own little ways?

When I was younger, I was that artist—or maybe the moth, but either way, my lens of death was covered with glitters, shinning so beautifully I wanted to touch it.

On one fateful night, I had my chance.

I woke up from the screeching sound of tires as the bus I was riding on uncontrollably skidded. Shards of broken glasses were flying in front of me. There was panic. There was blood. I remember the rising curiosity I felt as gravity pulled our bus backwards, approaching a huge column supporting an EDSA flyover. Our bus got nearer, and with so much anticipation, I waited for the collision to happen. “Will it hurt? Will I die?” I asked these questions more with excitement than fear, but about a yard away from the column, the bus stopped. Aside from a sleeve soaked with blood, I survived.
The more something eludes us, the more we want to get a hold of it, don’t we?

I continued liking the idea of death, until the day that it almost hit someone from my family.

The Intensive Care Unit of Nicanor Reyes Medical Foundation was a sterilized room, spacious enough to fit several patients. I have never entered an ICU before. They made us wear Personal Protective Equipment, hospital gown, facemask and all. Dad’s cubicle was at the far corner of the ICU. On my way there, I was able to look at the patients that we passed by. Tubes, barely fluctuating lifelines and pale faces were their common denominator. “These patients look almost dead, why is Dad with them? Are they the dying ones? Is Dad dying?”

A clogged blood vessel caused Dad to have a stroke. You see, I used to ask questions about death with curiosity and excitement, but that time, all that I felt was fear. I wasn’t prepared to lose Dad then. Maybe for the first time, I was scared of death.

Though Dad survived, I started seeing death differently from that moment on. The glitters on my lens were replaced with blurred lines, and suddenly, death didn’t look so beautiful anymore.

(But) I got to see death for what it truly is, only when it actually happened.

Cristina was a friend I had in high school. She was one of the most brilliant people I know. She too was an artist. In our conversations, death was always present. One time, Cristina declared, “I'm gonna die at 30.” Two years ago, just a few months short her 30th birthday, she did. Lymphoma, a cancer related to the white blood cell.

I was on my busiest days of my life when I found out about it. I thought to myself, “Nah, that girl can’t die, she’d been through a lot. That’s just cancer.” I stalled seeing her and proceeded with my busy life thinking she’ll live longer. Because of that assumption, I wasn’t able to see my friend alive.

When I almost died, I looked at death with curiosity. When my father almost died, I looked at it with fear, but nothing compared to the feeling it sent me, when I saw that death could actually happen.

After attending Cristina’s wake, I spent full two weeks sleeping on my parents’ bed. First, because I was scared that my dead friend will visit me. Second, because I wanted to feel that my parents are alive. Every single day of those 2 weeks, I watched my mother breathe as she sleeps. At first, I was scared that she would just stop breathing. Later on, I was just happy that she is still breathing.

The death of Cristina cemented in me the reality that death will come. With glitters and blurred lines removed, I was able to see life through the lens of death clearly.

Fellow Toastmasters and guests, my understanding of death had been a rollercoaster ride since the time that I gained consciousness of it. I learned to love it, fear it, and then see life better through it. Knowing that death will come made me appreciate life more. Knowing that life will end taught me to straighten my priorities to live better and love better.
They say every artist is attracted to death, but only those who learn how to see life from the death’s viewpoint will transform from an artist, into a real master of life. May all of us


may swimming sa club namin bukas. sana maging masaya lahat. sabagay, madalas naman, masaya.

after neto, speech ko na. sighs.

then the following week, swimming ulet.

netong mga nakaraan araw, bukod sa pamomroblema (hindi pag-iisip) kung paano ko maayos yung speech ko, wala naman ako masyadong ginawa.

i played with the dogs.

i played swimming with kaitlyn in her inflatable swimming pool.

nagluto ng egg at napaso. itlog na nga lang, napaso pa ko.

naghiwa rin ako ng singkamas tas dumerecho yung kutsilyo sa daliri ko.

bukod sa konting mga disgrasya, wala namang kakaiba.

all trivial stuff.

pero sa tingin ko, masaya naman ako.


may tinag syang girl sa isang meme tungkol sa paborito naming libro.

take note: paborito NAMING libro.

hindi mo naman ita-tag yung tao kung wala kayong connection di ba?

pero in a way. ok lang naman.

i checked the girl a bit.

kamukha ko ba? or guni guni ko lang ba?

tas taga SJDM din.


pero ok lang naman talaga.

come to think of it, J is every bit like R too, isnt he?


i dreamt of R a few days back. J was there too. in the dream, i chose j. then in the end, i left them both kasi may pupuntahan daw akong wedding. when i woke up, i squeezed my brains to make myself remember whose wedding was that. hindi ko na talaga naalala.


march na. maayos pa naman ang puso ko na sinalanta ng february. pero ok naman ako ngayon. mejo masaya. pero minsan, naiinis parin. hindi yata talaga maiihihiwalay ang inis pag may tao kang pinapahalagahan.

sa ngayon, gusto ko muna na chill lang.

as always...


Written by cinderellaareus at 03:33 PM.

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