Maybe it's not about being able to look and not feel hurt whatsoever. Maybe it's about not feeling the need to look at all.

I just wish that when the "day" comes, he will have the decency to not invite me.

This entry would've gone a totally different course if I didn't look. Oh well...

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A lot of things going on. Things are fast pacing recently, I find the rapid shift in emotion quite draining.

Dad was at the hospital last Fri. The operation was scheduled Sat. Though our house is a stone throw away from there, the doctors required for him to stay there before the operation. Mom asked me to sleep in their room because she's not used to sleeping alone. That was my first good sleep in a long while now.

Saturday came and everyone was busy since we were selling food at the store. Bro and I were supposed to take turns and looking after Dad at the hospital.

I thought that I got over my fear of blood since I've been to accidents that involved blood before. Dad's operation proved me wrong.

I was sitting next to Dad's bed then. He was sleeping and there were tubes attached to his hand. Half of his body is covered with blanket, parts of which, covered blood. Brother hid the bloodied portion so as not to scare me, but Dad kept moving and moving, the blood started to show off, it made my stomach squirm.

Mom told me that if I start getting scared, I should just distract myseft with my phone so that I won't feel so scared anymore. But with us in the room were patients and their companions and some of them kept talking to me. Don't get me wrong, I appreciated that they were nice, helpful and all... but-

When Dad started moving his legs, a man who was in the room with us told Dad shouldn't turn to his side just yet because it could make his wound bleed. This got me all panicky because how can I stop Dad from moving when he's asleep?

Then Dad moved his hands and the man said, "naku, wag mo pagalaw kamay nya baka mahatak ang swero at dumugo." So I was like, "jusko, jusko, jusko". I was so at lost on what to do. I was already weak from seeing the blood peeking behind Dad's legs and the thought of having him bleed some more was making me feel like I'm going to pass out.

It didn't help that a stretcher came afterwards with a woman's form. The woman had bandage in her neck. She was lying on her back looking so much like she's dead. I immediately looked on my phone to seek distraction. But on my peripheral vision, I saw that her feet were looking blue like the corpses I see in movies. It got me so scared a tear escaped and felt warm liquid ran through my face. I was about to leave the room to calm myself down, but one of doctors came to check Dad and told me that I need to wake him up to make him breathe because his oxygen is running low.

The panic I felt escalated. I was scared that if I wake up Dad, he will move and bleed. My knees were already shaking then so I decided to call my brother for help.

He probably woke up early that day. He cleaned the house, washed the dishes, carried things, watched and took care of Dad echetera, echetera. So when I called my brother to make Dad breathe, he got angry at me and told me to do it myself. He was probably tired. He was yet to eat then and had a mountain of dishes to wash. I understood the whole situation. I just can't go back there. The blood, the dead-looking lady... i don't know... I was also scared that Dad will die if we will not make him breathe right away. So I turned to my mom, who's equally scared of blood and I started crying. Mom got angry too, but then she got up and went to the hospital. I'm so sorry.

But I'm glad that all was well in the end. Mom told the story of me running home in tears and how I thought that the lady in stretcher is dying. It gave the people in the hospital a good laugh. Nakakahiya lang because when the husband of that lady came to our store to eat, he came up to me with a little laugh and assured me that his wife is not dying and that she's already well now. He even told me, "Ok na sya, pwede ka na bumalik. Hindi na sya nakakatakot." I wonder if the wife got offended. Sobrang nakakahiya talaga.

Sunday and Dad was back home. He wasn't supposed to eat solid food yet, but he was so matigas ang ulo he gave me headache. Brother, wife and kid went out for a family bonding then so it was just Dad, Mom and me during. Mom left the table for only a while and Dad started eating kanin! If I wasn't so scared about him bleeding, kukurutin ko talaga yung tatay kong 'yon sa singit.

But things look good now. 

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Monday was my first day at the new office. Today, I'm wrapping up my work week and tomorrow and next 4 days, I'll be staying in a unit around Manila. Ano kayang gagawin ko pag nakasalubong ko yung taong yun dun? Is he still working around that area?

12:12 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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