金曜日. February 1, 2019

Human and Divine

"Hindi ka sasagot ha. Sige mag ha hire ako ng iimbistiga."--- or something that goes to this line. Lol.

Alam ko namang joke lang. But this is not the first time someone said this to me. Hindi ko naman talaga gusto isekreto. Ayoko lang na alam ng buong mundo ang nangyayari sa buhay ko. I have to say I'm a bit scared. Jokes are half meant di ba. I guess I don't really want them to know. Tengene, papa private investigator nya ba ko? Nakakapraning tong taong to.

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It's a coffee and cake Friday. TM night tonight. It's been a while since I last attended. Tinantamad pa ko.

I'm reading the latest Bob Ong book I got a few days back. Kinikilig ang  fangirl heart ko. Nakakatuwa, magkakilala rin ata sila ni Manix. Yaaaaa!!!

Dear fangirl heart,

Please calm down. Please calm down.

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Umaambon ngayon. Sa loob ng coffee shop na kinauupuan ko, may nakikita na naman akong condo.

Kagabi, sa aking pagmumuni muni, naisip ko na ano kaya kung magturo ako sa mga engineering students? Gusto ko lang i-explore yung options. I think I can do that. Paano kaya? Magkano kaya? Iniisip ko if that kind of job can support me and my family and our current lifestyle. I can't go back from the start at this point. If I'll start giving my mother less than what I've been giving her, that would cause our family some trouble. It is at times like this that I'm thankful for being single. Kung may asawa siguro ako ngayon, or kahit anak lang, ang gulo gulo siguro mg buhay ko.

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It's Feb 1 now. I've wasted the first full month of 2019 watching koreanovela, but the truth is, it doesn't feel like so.

For a long while, ngayon ko lang ulet naramdaman na things are falling into place. Now that I'm no longer trying too hard. Siguro hindi naman talaga kailangang mabuhay too uptight, trying to control everything in order to attain a certain future you wish for yourself. I feel more at ease and at peace now. Surely there are times when I feel scared and worried, but those feelings are more manageable now. Sana nga talagang things will work out for the better for the rest of the year.

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Dalawa lang talaga ang pangarap ko sa buhay. Yung isa natupad ko na 11 years ago. Go to Japan. The other one, hindi pa.

33 years na ko sa mundo, pero sa tingin ko hindi pa ako nagmamahal. 

I thought I did. Pero naiintindihan ko na ngayon.

There was one time I came too close to loving but didn't really end up so.

You see... I saw that person hurting and I just stood there and watched him bleed. Ginagawa ba yun ng taong nagmamahal?

So yeah. It wasn't love. And I plan to stop concluding from there because the more I try to figure things out, the more the answers are starting to scare me.

I don't want to doubt my own capacity to love. Tengene, parang ang alien mo naman kung yung basic human emotion na yan, hindi mo kayang gawain. Tengene.

So yeah. One day, patutunayan kong kaya kong gawain yan.

Sana.


12:10 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。

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私の名前はZです。


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