Blessed?
火曜日: June 8, 2021



Said my pc replacement will get to be delivered by the weekends pa. That's a full week without work, but with pay. As much as I'm grateful, I still feel uneasy about it. I feel like I was given a gift I didn't deserve. Bukod don, nahihiya rin ako sa mga kasama ko sa work.

And the oddest part is that I still wish to be free from my job when I'm not even working. Ano bang problema ko?

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I was supposed to attend a webminar on forex with Mel today. Skipped it and decided to finish watching Encounter instead. Just a few days ago, I felt like I've already set the motion towards the most realistic thing I should work on. What's with this 180 degrees turn? Tae.

I re-watched the 1st episode of Encounter after finishing the final episode. I wanted to see the long-haired Park Bo Gum again, and I also loved the setting (Cuba). Ang ganda rin ng music na pinakinggan nila while watching the sunset. Kahit hindi naman talaga ako mahilig sa music, nagustuhan ko.

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I bought 2 cans of beers today. Foreign brands. Something that reminds me of the pre-covid luxuries I used to experience. I miss dim lights, fancy tablewares and table tops, soft music, smell of overpriced coffee, etc. Parang ngayon ko lang naramdaman to simula ng pandemic.

Gusto ko na bago matapos ang lahat ng ito ay malaya na ko.

Alam ko. Wala naman talaga ako sa posisyon para magreklamo. This job is giving me so much more than I will dare to ask. So much more than I actually deserve. Even the past jobs that I had weren't bad either. I used to think that maybe it was because of money. But I do have money now, yet still feels the same.

Then, naisip ko rin na baka dahil lang sa mapapagod ako sa byehe papasok sa trabahaho. Pero hindi na ko nagko commute, pero ganito parin yung feeling. At kahit ngayong isang linggo akong hindi magtatrabaho, andito parin yung feeling na yun.

Anong bang tawag sa feeling na to? The closest that I can think of is the word "trapped". But I feel like it's an unfair label to give to something that's been serving as a huge blessing. I'm sorry, Universe.

I'm turning 36 this year. Hindi ko parin alam kung anong gagawin ko. Hindi ko rin sure kung ano bang gusto kong mangyari. Basta ang alam ko lang, hindi ko gusto to. Lahat ng ginagawa for over a decade, hindi ko gusto. Tokwa... ano bang gusto ko?



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Written by cinderellaareus at 11:09 PM.

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C I N D E R E L L A A R E U S
"A dream is a wish your heart makes when you're fast asleep"

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私の名前はZです。

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