Kuuki yomenai no ka
土曜日: August 14, 2021



Kamusta daw, sabi ng relative ko sa probinsya. Kala ko uutang. Even worse, hihingi pala. Pandagdag daw sa bibilhin cellphone pang online class ng anak nya, na inaanak ko.

Naiistress ako. Naiirita. Nakakairita kasi feeling ko ang damot ko. Hahaha. Totoo, ang laki ng binayaran ko sa credit card this cut off, at tootoong I borrowed money from mom kasi kinulang.

Pero syempre hindi ko rin sinabing meron naman akong fund sources, ayoko lang mag withdraw dahil sayang ang interest. Naiinis din ako sa conflicted feeling na to dahil 1) this is the 1st time na lumapit sakin ang taong to, hindi naman sya madalas manghingi. 2)naiintindihan ko na taghirap naman talaga. 3) tumanda na yung inaanak ko at few times ko lang syang nabigyan ng regalo. 4) alam kong dapat kong maisip na blessed ako to be on the giving end, and not with them on the receiving/borrowing/asking end.

But at the same time 1)ayoko ng feeling ng naabuso at pineperahan. 2) ayokong sanayin ang mga kamag-anak ko na sakin lumalapit kapag nagigipit. 3) hindi man lang nya naisip na utangin, hingi talaga, so mejo... nakakainis. 4) I want to take care of my self and the people in my life---- they're not one of those people. I want to make it clear to them na hindi ko sila pananagutan.

After explaining that I had to pay a lot for may credit card at walang extra sa ngayon, ang sagot ni relative e next time nalang daw pag may extra na ko. Naiinis ako na walang trace ng hiya sa side na.

Naiinis ako. Sa kanila. Siguro mainly because they make me realize na ang damot ko pala, though matagal ko naman nang alam. Siguro kasi, they made me explain myself, and I hate explaining myself. Siguro kasi they made me question my humanity, or on why I so much lack generosity... or compassion, and whatnot. Naiinis ako kasi alam ko na lahat ng rason ko, hindi naman talaga sila ang may kasalanan kung hindi ako. It's not them who are making me feel this way, it's my own thoughts. Di ba?

Sighs, yaan mo na nga.

------

Naghahanap ako ng way to trick myself into exercising. Naisip ko e yung game na gagalaw ka talaga physically. Nag check ako ng dance pad, pero wala namang compatible sa smart tv. Meron nakong nabasa about Xbox at Nintendo switch. The more I read about them, the more confused I become. Ano yung kinect? Ano yung console? Katulad ba to ng family computer nung 90s? Or iniinstall ba to gaya ng mobile games? Nakakalito.

An officemate suggest na bili daw ako ng 2nd hand para mas mura. Mahal daw kasi to. When she told me the price, narealize ko na magkaiba ang definition namin ng mahal at mura. Lol. To think that this person's salary is higher than mine, by 2-3k. 

Tsaka hassle ang 2nd hand. Pano pag di gumana. At least pag brand new, may warranty. Tsaka yung mga 2nd hand, for pickup pa sa kung saang ibayo. I seriously think that buying brand new is a wiser option.

Pero siguro, ang even wiser option e to not buy at all. Tokwa, maglalakad lakad nalang ako sa harap ng pc twing avail. Wala pa kong gastos.

Still considering it though. Meron kasi ata game na multiple players. Pwede siguro gamitin ng buong pamilya namin. Nag iisip pa ko.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 05:21 PM.

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C I N D E R E L L A A R E U S
"A dream is a wish your heart makes when you're fast asleep"

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私の名前はZです。

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