Entries for October, 2012
i can feel the cola killing me.and for some reason , i feel like i dont mind..
i cant sleep (what's new?).. i slept away my weekend. maybe im just running away from life. i never really sleep at night. maybe im not human..im too nocturnal to be human..maybe im an owl or bat or something. this is pissing me off.
there's this reunion thing that my highschool classmates are arranging. i told them that my bff's coming fr malaysia(which is true) that's why i cant come. but really, i just dont want to go., and believe it or not, i feel sorry about it.because im being kj again. but i just dont feel like going..
i read my archives the previous year and learned that im pretty much the same,..i feel like my life's not moving at all.
..
maybe, i just imagined it when i thought i have wings..
im not an owl then..im a chicken.pak.
03:44 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
im not flirting. im just being nice..
huhu, you're scaring me...
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artistically fine. commercially boring.
i swear i heard someone snore at the theater.
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etc etc
03:44 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
haw tabby.
i feel like im having post bday blues.
spent my bday with my family. my tita and fave cousin went over to celebrate with us. kuya's girlfriend came too. she gave me a pink dress as a present. its really cute. all and all it was kinda fun. and yes, i officially turned 27.
the relatives around the neighborhood went too. and yes, all of them are telling me to find a boyfriend blah blah and they all sound as if there's an emergency or something. whatever. well, i think, as long as i still can laugh about it, then im still fine. eee!!emergency..haha..whatever.
id be seeing G on wednesday. ek trip. post birthday celeb..cant wait.
pak, bell na.
jaaa.
12:15 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
it was a usual before-dawn morning when i am headed to work(or this time, to the boarding house) where dad would walk me into the place where i ride bus. i was never allowed to walk on my own in the dark. neither my brother who is a year older than me.
when we passed that creepy place among the neighborhood where someone was shot dead, that i told dad to hurry up because i was scared. it was then that i noticed that there's something abnormal about dad.
i rode the bus knowing that dad cant stand up properly. i noticed his mouth turned lop sided and his speaking turned barely recognizable. i left him. then texted mom to look after him when i could've done it myself. he couldve died and it would be all my fault cause i left him.
later this morning i learned from mom that he was sent to the hospital. mild stroke. she said dad wasn able to move his feet. he was crying. i know dad. he's probably crying more out of pride now. i know he doesnt want to be taken care of.
i dont know. everything's a blur now.
11:43 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
i wonder if i made the right choice to go to work today. the im-about-to-pass-out feeling just wont go away. i slept at the hospital today. it wasnt bad. many crazy things happen at the hospital, you know. i think id talk about them soon. ive been seeing a lot of people in white. medical people. doctors and nurses. i feel like if things had been different, mayve i would have been one of them. some times id look at the bulletin board glasses and see my self in white looking like im really one of them. yeah crazy, but please let me dream. know what, ive spent my the longest 5 days of my life in the last 5 days..id talk about them soon. but bye for now.. bell na..
03:47 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
hell sleepy. khet insomia hindi kayang gamutin ang antok na to.
i was at the hostital last night. tonight, mukng ako ulet. im actually having more sleep hours than i usually had during insomia nights, but for some reason, i feel drained.
its just so hard to juggle work and out-of-work responsibilities. i really hope that we can go home soon.
tired.sad.broke. what can be worse?
at least we still have dad.
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i think someone's picking up a fight on me. as for now, i just dont have the energy for all these. bahala nlng sya. if i had a choice, i would have left right away. nkakasawa na..ano n nmn kayang problema nya this time? i just dont want to care anymore.
got loads of more pressing things. bills to pay. gusto ko nlng tawanan ang imposible. ewan.
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nakakaloka ang mga taong nasa hospital. lahat sila gustong makipag kwentuhan. at ang laging topic, boyfriend, or ex-boyfriend. gusto ko sanang maging friendly pero mahirap magpanggap na may interes ka sa bagay na hindi ka interesado,.. and come on. sana sabihin mo man lng muna saken ang pangalan mo bago ka mag kwento ng tungkol sa boyfriend mo. ewan.
nakaka highblood na. stressed lang ba to.
whatever.
i wish fr. mario will be at the mass tonight..
i need my sanity.
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wishing for true love and money
12:01 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
bukod sa pagiging pagod wala na kong ibang maikwento. gusto ko lang talaga magsulat.
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ung katabi nming pasyente sa hospital, umalis na.pinauwi n yata sila ng doctor. diabetis ung case. ang laki ng tiyan nya at laging may parang benda sa leeg. sabi nila hindi na daw sya gagaling. sabi ng tita ko tingin nya daw malapit na yun madeds. and daming may saket. kaya kung ikaw, healthy, call yourself blessed. kasi and dami daming lumalaban para mabuhay. ang daming nakikipag buno sa ibat ibang klaseng saket. kagabi ko lang rin nalaman na yung bagong lipat sa tapat namin meron palang leukemia. and daming may saket. ang dami dami. nakakalungkot. ang dami kong reklamo sa buhay...
siguro after neto magrereklamo parin ako.. hindi ka rin nman kasi talaga magiging masaya dahil lang sa may mga taong mas worse pa sayo. sadyang hindi ko maintindihan ang logic dun. basta, siguro tingnan nalang naten lahat ng reason para maging masaya. after ng lahat ng to may gusto kong ayusin. mga priorities. plans sa future. basta. sana pag dating ko dun, nakapag build na ko ng courage para magdecide. at pangatawanan un. malalaman ko lang pag nasubukan ko na..
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i miss home.
12:15 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
sira yung elevator sa hospital ds morning. nag feeling medical people tuloy ako at dumaan sa elevator nila. pak tuloy, nagulat ako bigla kong nakita ung MORGUE!!...grabanes, mag-isa lang ako.an dilim pa..huhu..
dad will leave the hospital today, which was nice. im really glad. pero kahet ganun feeling ko mamimiss ko rin ung hospital.. siguro kung naging doctor ako, baka dito na ko ng wo-work ngaun. or pwede ring hindi. we will never know..
so far so good. ang iintindihin ko nlng e kung pano ko babawiin lahat ng savings ko n nawala saken, which was lahat. aus.hehe..pero ok lang..high hopes..kaya to tingin ko..
i was walking home with a collegue the last time. i found it cute how she was genuinely concern when she found out how much were gonna pay with the hospital... i told her wag ka na mag-alala..ako nga hindi nag aalala ee... hehe..ewanness saken.. khet 60pesos nlng ang meron ako hanggang sa dumating ang susunod na payday hindi parin ako ng aalala..normal pa ba to..ewan..pero at least, ok ang lahat..at goodluck saken..
{ 音楽} julie tearjerky
12:16 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
i just read a heartbreaking post of someone who lost a dad.
death. the finality of this word never fail to send me a nightmare like feeling. death. shit. why are you so real? on my way home last weekend, a saw a a motor rider lying dead with blood all over. it was along commonwealth.oh death. shit. shit. shit.
i know we cant run from the inevitable. i know some time ago i mentioned about how i dont mind dying. but seeing people die is way another story. i just hate it.
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its a typical sad day for me. i wonder if life really requires this so much fighting. not with people but with life itself.
what do you think?
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oh, wait. you know, last night, i dreamth of CRIS EVANS. shit lang. i was there on the verge of leaning my head on his knees, but held back. shit to me! that's CRIS EVANS!.. kahet sa dreams nag h-hold back pa ko.pak talaga di ba?
-, and oh, last last night, the resident of my dreamland paid me a visit again. it wasnt a good visit kasi in the dream he was already married and came to the house to be introduced to my parents by the girl. in the dream the girl seem to have some kind of relation to us or something. in the dream im feeling like shit. if it happened for real i know id get devastated. its just weird when you dont want to see someone marry someone else yet you dont actually want to marry him yourself. shit. cauliflower thing, whats up with you.
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i cant blame the hormones. maybe im just tired, at home we have this low calorie low salt low fat diet for dad and the family agreed to cooperate. its actually more like a bad taste diet. but it seemed effective. because my slightly low bp went really low. i wonder what happens when people get really low bp. ill do my research.
oh, bells na..
12:17 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
now there goes that longing again..
12:03 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
maybe its was the change in atmosphere..
it was raining.. and the place was nice...and we were an hour away from the city..
..
his hands were so soft. it actually felt nice on mine..
and when i laid my back on the couch and he did the same and i felt his shoulders next to mine,
for a second, i ALMOST wished i can lean my head on his shoulders.
but of course i didnt. and i wont..
..
maybe its was the change in atmosphere..
or the rain..
or the couch..
or the nice place..
that sent me into one of those not-so-rare times
when you wish you could hold someone's hands
and lean on someone's shoulders
and do it legally.
11:43 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
11:35 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
it amazes me how able i am in shutting this down.
my hypothalamus.
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how about a slow clap for me.
12:12 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
it kept me wondering why we, humans love the extremes.
the really bad ones and the really good ones..
there are no in-betweens..
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i wonder where i stand at.
the bad ones?
the good ones?
or the in-betweens?
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oh,guess what, i know the answer.
03:39 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
last night, i watched the clock's hands move..
10..
11..
12..
1..
2..
3..
4..
5..
6..
the alarm rang. at ayun..hindi na naman ako natulog.
shet insomia..leave me alone!! 
11:28 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
im not very pleased with these.
rant after another will not let you come up with a solution..
we are all "professional"..come to think of it ..
oh please..
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oh heavens...
why am i here again??
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grrrrrhh
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self..kalma lang..chill... pak. kaya ko to..
{ 音楽} tadhana
{ 気分} nakakainit ng ulo.
03:41 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
