Entries for September, 2012
i choked at the sight of my credit card bill..
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03:40 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
a month and a day.
that's all the time i have to make money..
see, birthdays are important to me including my own..
beach.spa.cocktail drinks.hotel room.swimming pool.
thats all i need.
goodluck
12:11 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
nini and i were discussing about the wedding blah blah..she said that nep and portia want to go somewhere after the wedding. said she's busy so she cant go.
wala lang..sadyang hindi lahat ng friends pareparehas ng trip sa buhay..or siguro sadyang marami lang akong oras na pwedeng sayangin..
yesterday, i was searching for a wedding gift. as i look at the stuff that i suppose a newly wedded couple need, i just cant help but think that jeez..they're so adult na.. but of course im every bit as adult as they are, its just thatm it doest feel like it.
once in a while jie would send me ims saying she's found a new crush..or talk about this new guy who inspires her. its like were still in highschool. normally people our age would talk about husbands, wives, having kids, and then here we are talking about crushes. so highschool,right.. i dont know.. i just feel like, im adult by age but in terms of experience in relationship and stuff,,im more like a kid..or more like a fetus..and really, its not fun. its like there's a part of the world that you were never allowed to discover.
know what, basta.recently, it seems like i just woke up and found myself no longer interested in love stories, love song, etc. i dont know. maybe it has something to do with me trying to think and feel like an adult.. its unsettling..and kinda scary..to just wake up and realize that you no longer like something that uve liked for all your life..--but well, i still like handsome(even the not so handsome) guys though..so i guess im still fine.
for now all i want is an escape..get away from here..somewhere far..a news just came. i feel like heavens are giving me more reason to get myself out of here..i just wish, that other than an extra reason, Heavens will give me plane tickets too.. ive been obsessing about this lately..my dreams..i wanna get them all so badly..though i havent given them names yet.. but see, i wanna go out and see the world...and grow up and be a real adult in the process..
im scared of seeing my dreams..and my youth as well.. slip away and gone forever..
why do we have to chase dreams..why dont they just chase us intead..but, that, i do not know
03:39 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
oh tabby..
i didnt know he was there..i checked twice for names..he was not on the list.
the jelly legs failed me. i tried to smile. he just stared. i looked away..
the day went on.there were efforts to communicate. it wasnt really bad..really.. i wish i could have done more..
the past and the now.
he sure changed. so what do i feel?really..there's still this heavy feeling.. this feeling of having left something unresolved..i have a feeling that this could be just on my part. its pathetic really.
so what do i want? i really dont know about the past. did we have that past? or did i just imagine it all? i dont want to go on like this..i want an end to this, but how?
I miss him..thats the only truth i know..
it sucks that while im having this messed up thoughts of him and there he is going on and about on his life and all..but what am i supposed to do..
but this i know and maybe id do..something im best at..
running away..
pretending i don't feel this way..i wont be seeing him for long..thats for sure..so it wouldnt be so difficult to forget..and walk away from this thoughts..fill my mind with something else..
im tired. . id like a guy and another but it will always send be back to thinking about him. comparing every seemingly wonderful guys. seeing him in each and every one of them. searching for similarities..feeling the differences. all these years i feel like ive been fooling myself into an illusion that i can only love once in my life. even if im not really sure if it had been love at all.
i want to run away. i want to leave the thoughts of you behind. i want my peace. i want to choose a good future for myself without having to hold on to an illusion of us.
run away..without you following me in my dreams..or in my waking hours. without you materializing in my thoughts..
i cant be so hard, can it?
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oh,
im giving up..
09:17 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
pa-smart lang.
its a monday. the resident of my dreamland paid me a visit last night. the setting was in a library. we were with our college friends..i was showing them, something from a book. we were all standing and i was like leaning on him for balance... aun lang.
its nothing really. just an indication that my insomia nights are over and sleep is finally back. for good, i hope..
panay ang tambay mo sa panaginip ko..next time maniningil na ko ng renta..amp!
this morning sa bus bigla ko ulet naalala kung baket ko naging ayaw sya dati.. so tama na..itigil na ang kalokohang eto..erase erase..
dad kept on asking..he kept teasing me on a guy friend who visited our house a lot of times before..but i told him that that guy is more like a brother to me and he got a girlfriend..dad asked further and asked e,sino ba talaga... mom did a guessing game kind of thing and tried out names after names..his name didnt came out..maybe they forgot about him already..
pero sino nga ba talaga?.. edi wala..hindi ko mainitindihan kung bakit pag sinasabi kong wala feeling ko nagsisinungaling ako..whatever...
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extreme tamad mode..ang sarap tumanganga..ang sarap tumitig sa mga walls at spaces sa paligid kahet wala nmang kahet anong amazing sa kanila...
antok na antok ako today,...kung kelan ang dami dami dami dami kong gagawin... 
03:37 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
is to sit in our sofa.next to my dog.with new books on my lap.
**priceless.
but now, i got to be here, in a cold office at a temperature too low itll make your stomach ache.
look at drawings of bridges that doesnt really look like a bridge..
write questions in j-language..
type..read kanji..
click and drag mouse..
..really, i dont hate my work..i just want to read. now..at this very moment..
pak..the office feels arctic..
i miss the other house's sofa..i miss home.
12:09 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
tabby muna habang ngra-run ang pc..
please, remind me again why im here? today is sunday. and this is an office. the dots aint connecting.
mom asked me to be home yesterday(saturday) to help out because we're expecting customers to come because of that annual medical mission near the house. the number of patients who came were less than expected. good for me i was able to sleep and read my books. i shouldve been working yesterday, but since mom asked for that day, im here today instead.alone. plain great.
my back aches and im feeling feverish. i feel like this program's mocking me for hanging up. it never usually hang up. just today when im not in the best mood and im not feeling well..
so again, why am i here?
the girl deejay in an fm station im listening to right now is making my head ache. her english has that distict filipino accent but her tagalog really sucks. she cant seem to understand the difference between toyo and tuyo. and when a caller talks about sari-sari store, she got the meaning all mixed up. if it wasnt for this head ache i wouldve find her cute.
rich kids. they might look maarte..or maybe some are maarte for real. but maybe they just cant help it.
a friend reminded me that my birthday's getting near. i wonder if its the source of this rather low feeling lately. or maybe not.
oh, i made a new crush. he looks like my former classmate. nothing serious really. he's younger than me. so far we've been exchanging not more than 5 sentences all in all. but i like how he never use prefixes on me (prefix→i.e, ms., ma'am, madam, or worse, ate). i think he's nice. he's a little too familiar for someone who just came. but then not familiar enough to be called rude. i think he's just naturally friendly.
crush daw. huma highschool? whatever. maybe that's the source of the low feeling..
i wonder how is it like to fall like normal people do. where you can expect good things to come. unlike this, when all you can do is to let it pass because you know it cant be anyway. it plain sucks.
i remember an underground hospital and a doctor who went straight into conclusion. it cant kill her, so its fine to let her alone on this. that was the message the gestures conveyed. they should have tried to check anyway. just to make her (the patient) feel like at least they tried. or maybe cling in for a few seconds of hope..is it really that hard?..had i been a doctor, will i do the same?
hope.. when its all you have and you got it withdrawn from you, how would you feel?
its a low day. its a sunday. and im off here..
11:08 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
i cant sleep again. so i decided to read my book.
the character reminds me of this someone i know in real life..but well, maybe they're not the same. the character made a list of songs he likes they were real songs. funny that they share one fave song(the character and the real life guy). the other song on the list, i searched in you tube. i am listening to them now.. i wonder if the real life guy had read this book too.
i tried making my own list too. i wasnt impressed so i wont be posting it here. i remember my brother complaining about my choice of song being jologs. well, being a girl might justify my choice,i think. but whatever. i wonder if we really choose what we like or we were programmed from the very begining to like certain things..maybe,,i wonder..
did you notice i wasnt mentioning the title of the book? i just hate the fact that its uso that's why people like it now..
but at least its really a good book.
{ 音楽} gypsy
{ 本} a famous book nowadays
{ ショー} walang tv(kawawa)
{ 気分} sick for the nth time
03:42 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
haw tabby!
its a thursday. i still havent been sleeping much since monday and i feel like floating all through the week.
everythings the same. i wake up. get dressed. go to work. sign out from work. walk somewhere. sleep. and wake up again. its not exciting anymore. or had it ever been exciting? i wonder.
i went to the usual wednesday mass. my favorite seat in the frontmost pew was occupied by a couple, so i went for the other side's end. then there came this guy in wheelchair with his companion(a girl who's not in wheelchair) said "excuse me" which actually mean "move aside and im gonna make my companion take your seat". i found it rather impolite though he didnt say it in a rude manner. well, my beliefs in things are twisted i know. its just that, i hate it when people demand for people's favor just because they have less. its given that you've got to give way for the handicapped, but then i think the handicapped should give people a choice if they want to or not. i mean, wouldnt it better if you'd give them the chance to be nice because they felt like it and not because you demanded them too? i dont know..i think it would have been better if they say something like, would you mind to move aside or something rather than saying excuse me and expect you to move just because they said so..i dont know..i just hate it..and im in the chapel--see, i told you. im not kind.i've never been..
im feeling rather low lately and i cant seem to find anything that will make me feel better. maybe when i get home, i would.
i feel like there's this something that i want and i dont know what it is..maybe change..but then i hate change. i dont know..
father mario was there. im glad he is. the truth is, this wednesday mass was the only thing ive been looking forward in my entire week.
i had my beaded something broken last night.whenever im upset and see things broken, i feel doubly upset. i tried to fix it. i just cant.. i wish that better days are ahead.. i really wish..
12:11 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
an officemate lamented "friday, pay day, pero tayo OT" .
i can never agree more..
06:27 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
