Entries for March, 2014



sunday now
: March 2, 2014



red alert. its that time of the month again.

supressing bitchiness takes to much effort, im feeling so strained right now.

damn, hormones..jeez.

--

just got home from the feast.

yang and i will meet again laters to go to joie's wake..

we're of the same age i suppose.

is 29 a young age to die? i dont know..

i really dont..

--

in  the end, everything will go back to the box.

your efforts, your perseverance, achievements, collections, wealth, debts. trophies, hurts, heartbreaks..

everything..

back..

in this box..

this box is what makes all of us equal.

so, from life till death..

lets make it count..



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Written by cinderellaareus at 04:13 PM.

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saturday
favorite:
: March 15, 2014



i feel restrained with my words. and so, i will write until the awkwardness stop.

sooo,

saturday at home. sis-in-law is not home today.so, i cooked our lunch. i dont really cook at home. i just felt like doing it today. 

fried tofu, fried fish, steamed broccoli, sautéd chayote and carrots and i also cooked rice (without rice cooker). everything tasted just right. i think i can make a good house wife..

i intend to spend the rest of the day reading; or watching j-drama minus the subs to improve my japanese; do some body pampering regimen..anything productive. anything that will cause self-improvement.

the truth is im just feeling lonely.

been browsing facebook. damn, i hate facebook. its like everyone are telling you that, "hey, im better than you", "hey, im happier than you", "hey, i have more in life that you"...and the list goes..

i know its not their fault that im like this. its not anyone else's fault when someone's insecure. i dont know whose fault it is. i think i dont really care.

know what, im not really asking so much in life. ive learned to live within my means..im actually living beyond my means in preparation for my future, and im actually ok with it. my needs are rather scarce to begin with. i think, i just want to be happy. is that so much to ask for?

sighs..i hate sounding like this.

--

tomorrow, im gonna go to the feast. the feast and my wednesday mass were the things that're keeping my sanity intact at times like this. with this, im really greatful. i know this will pass.. i just wish that better days are ahead.

im gonna swim tomorrow too, i found an indoor pool in pasay..or technically just a pool under a roof so that i wont get negrita and all.

maybe we can signup for a connect group too. i wish i have the money to help me create more life. 

--

sighs.. there..

my insides still feel like a sponge being squeezed to extract all  the water out of it.

they say visualization has powers.. so, let me visualize, what i want in life.. what i want for myself.

..

here it goes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

sunday. i will wake up with the delicious aroma of coffee and sumptuous breakfast..

"wake up the kids,hon..breakfast is ready." he will say inbetween singing some song. he sings random songs all the time, sometimes i think he's got massive collections of songs and lyrics inside his head.

i will walk my way to the kids bedroom..will kiss their foreheads and will whisper.."wake up baby, it's time for breakfast"..

they will open their eyes.. say their "good morning, mommy", and then, one of them will go back to sleep, one will sit up and snooze off, and the other one will jump up and down the bed waking the other two..

we will eat our breakfast together. share stories of how  the few days had been. share eachother's plan for the day ahead. and then head back to fix ourselves as we will be going to our sunday mass in PICC.

"so, who's gonna drive the car now?" he will ask.

"you.." i will say with a teasing smile.

"oh, ok".. he will say, smiling back.

and off we will go.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

...

urhg,. i dont know if this is helping.. but this is gotta be all for now.

{ mood } in dreams and prayers..



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Written by cinderellaareus at 01:51 PM.

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shipwreck
: March 21, 2014



j-holiday today, so its gonna be a long weekend for me.

woke up feeling under the ground.

i got home almost midnight last night. met up with a former collegue. biz stuff. mom reproved as usual. she thinks im just off for the money. well, partly, i am. but more than that, i intend to expand my connection, improve my socializing skills and improve my character in general. i want to be better. right now i really feel otherwise.

spent the day cleaning the house. woke up at 9. i usually wake up earlier than that when i dont have work. fed the dogs, washed the dishes, ate and then washed the dishes again..i actually feel like cleaning the whole house.. even the neighbor's house..clean, mess it up, and clean it again. i need diversion. badly. its really hard to get thru the day without wetting my eyes. 

--

i have to go out tom. maybe id look for some place to move to. i am thinking of boarding some place near work. enroll to the gym to swim. etc, etc. i need some air to breathe.

sometimes its nice to do something you've never done before. something you thought you'd never dare doing. sometimes when im cooking, i look at the knife in awe.. it makes me think that maybe, some things are not really too hard. we just think that it is and stop right there. it is unless we try that we'd know if its really hard or not aint it?

--

im just 1 mo away from my trip with bff. my baguio trip is up and coming too. i let bff plan the whole thing for our trip, and that other friend to whom ill be going my baguio trip with left the whole baguio trip's plan on me. i havent plan a trip before. im actually surprised that im quite enjoying it. please flash us forward to april 25.

--

to say that im currently sad and lonely is an understatement. 

helplessness and hopelessness sucks.

i actually feel like completely shutting the world out now.

but will that make any difference? will that help? i know it wont.

ive been like this for countless of times. the frequency doesnt make it less painful. but nontheless, knowing that it will pass just as how it did before really helps.

sometimes i wish that life has a skip button. to skip the painful part and fastforward us into the better scenes of our lives. but then it is thru these times that we learn. skip this part and we'll skip the learning process as well. i just hope that these are worth all the tears.

--

still, i am not giving up.

{ mood } brave



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Written by cinderellaareus at 06:00 PM.

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planecrash
: March 23, 2014



today, i shut my eyes tightly..

its not helping..

{ mood } on a silent mantra that says this too shall pass



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Written by cinderellaareus at 03:30 PM.

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alive and kicking
: March 27, 2014



been thinking of the "box" lately so as to gear myself back to having a better perspective. that "box" that makes all of us equal.

if the deathbed is what's everyone's destination is, then we are destined to lose everything. and if losing everything is our fate, what there is to fear then? if we are not going to lose something we're not gonna lose eventually, then, what should we be afraid of?

change is unconfortable. even just the thought of it makes me cringe. but im just so tired of being just me. i want a better me. i want a magnified me. a great me. 

--

but really..

in the end of the day, i know a part of me longs that someone will see the just me and find it wonderful...

...

even if its just me.

{ music } landslide
{ book } something happened on my way to ever after
{ show } a 100-year legacy



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Written by cinderellaareus at 10:53 PM.

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C I N D E R E L L A A R E U S
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