Entries for January, 2015
kaitlyn : nyaa!
tita: nya nya nya nya nya?
kaitlyn : nyaa!
tita: nya nya nya nya nya?
kaitlyn : nyaa!
tita: nya nya nya nya nya?
*repeat*
...
huhu, i miss my niece ='(
---
just woke up, and its 2015 na pala.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
1st day of the year and im having this terrible headache and sneezing fit due to allergy. not really a great way to start the year, but its not really that bad.
---
yesterday, i accompanied mom to the hospital to recieve shots.
while at the ER, i was then standing next to the door when a vehicle appeared. they grabbed the nearest stretcher and placed there a limped form of a woman which im guessing to be around 60 judging from her skin and the streaks of white in her hair. her hands were limping at the side of the stretcher. both hands and feet very white.
another woman who was among those people who carried her shouted, "emergency po!! emergency po!!" the hospital people responded right away.
they placed the strecher on the empty space in ER. hospital people interviewed those who brought the patient. efforts to revive her were made.
crying, stomping, phone calls..
i saw one hospital staff stepped ON the stretcher, to give more force maybe, and gave the women a pump in the chest. i barely heard a hospital staff saying she's not responding.
and then she's gone.
i guess sometimes it takes someone else's misfortunes to realize how fortunate you are.
while everyone else are happy and celebrating for the new year, there is this family grieving for the loss of a loved one.
i dont know them, but i wish they'd find acceptance for their loss.
--
2015. another year. let's keep our hopes high and look forward for a great year ahead.
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!
{ 音楽} something with "nanana"
{ 気分} begging the headache to go away
04:36 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
old school na kung old school. pero kasi, iba parin yung feeling na gigising ka each day na meron kang goal. meron kang direction. ganun. i get lost easily kasi, literally and figuratively. i guess it helps pag may idea ka kung saan ka pupunta. i dont always make it to 100% of my goals most of the time, but it surely helps..
so this year, we'll see.
1. prioritize my relationships
managed to do this last year. i plan to do the same this year and the years ahead and even make it better.
2. expand my network
meet more people. more than i did last year. to make things more challenging, i want to meet some of the people that i look up to, i.e., my favorite authors, speakers, preachers, etc. topping my list is someone im hoping to meet once i go to cebu. iniisip ko palang gusto ko ng mag hyperventilate. jeez..kaya ko to!!
3. improve my finances
for the past 2 year, i think my discipline when it comes to handling my finances have remarkably improved. but i still need to learn how (or find ways on how) to make things faster if i really want to make it to my desired deadline. i aim to make bolder actions this year. so much for testing waters. this year, i aim to jump in. hayyyyy. we'll see.
4. be more lenient on how i spend my leisure
this applies particularly on books. last year, in my efforts to switch from entertainment to infotainment, i cant believe i managed to spend a whole year without reading even one fiction book at all. well, not that its bad, i do enjoy reading financial and self-help books too..pero...well, i actually found an interesting fiction that i wish to read. so i guess ill be allowing myself to read even just this one. the divergent series. currently reading the first book. im loving it already. i think it consists of 4 books all in all. so just this 4 fiction books this year and ill the spending the rest of my reading time on non-fiction ones. promise.
5. improve my health
my health hasnt been good last year. i feel like ive visited the hospital a lot more time than i did in my whole adult life combined (well, ive only been an adult for some time anyway). This year, i aim to improve my health. i want to spend at least 15 mins a day of brisk walking, ideally 45 minutes daily. i think i need to keep my daily exercise as simple as possible because if i choose complex programs i might again invent complex excuses on why i cant do it. so yeah, brisk walking--or at least for now. and then, healthy eating. this is actually a must. i actually have a handfull of bawal foods from my doctor's list. pero sadyang masarap kumain--so goodluck to this.
---
there.. i cant think of anything else at the moment.
second day of the year. im feeling neutral about this. tipong hindi excited, hindi rin worried. tamang wapakels lang. i dont know if that's a good thing. i dont think so. feeling ko im just losing motivation on things. i hope having a list of goals will help me gain that back.
whatever, world.. im still giving my best shot. im gonna give you a good fight. watch me.
03:58 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
funny how human minds process excuses.. or on how procrastination works or whatever.
i woke up wanting to read the ebook that im currently reading. its 3:26pm now and so far ive done everything other than reading the book. weird.
2 days and im back to real world. nakakaumay, kailangan ko ng tubig. sighs.
nakakamiss maging bata. yung ang problema mo lang e kung gaano ka ka-bored. namimiss ko lang yung simplicity. yung peace. as i grow older, narealize ko na, if you aim for freedom, you have to give up peace. i gave up peace a long time ago.
where should i go from here?
the idea that i can choose whatever i want exhilirates me. but the fact that i dont know what the hell that is and how the hell im gonna do it frustrates me so.
i love having choices. but i hate how making a choice makes me feel like i have no choice at all.
humans are lonely creatures. we prefer having company. it made me wonder how it would be like if i only live for myself. if i know that my choices will not affect any other people. i wonder how id live my life. i can imagine myself soaring high. free. not caring one bit.
indifference had always been a trait that stood out on me even when i was young. i remember my tita warning a newly hired helper advicing her to be careful with my brother since he's a bit short -tempered, and then said that she has nothing to worry about me since id probably just be always in my room and usually dont care.
indifference.
i think i became warmer over the years, but i can feel indifference still creeping in my veins. or was/is it really indifference or something else? i dont know.
i sought greatness when i was young. sometimes i feel like i was meant for it. years gone by and im still yet to see any trace of that greatness. now im wondering if i just imagined that all.
04:06 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
its 1:23am and im still wide awake. i guess reading fiction is really a bad idea-coz it absorbs me.
--
will be seeing a movie with the family tom (technically later). it has been an unspoken tradition to watch mmff films every year (we are a family of jologs people). will be watching the horror ones. i love horror movies despite them never failing to give me nightmares. i guess i have to prepare myself from seeing black, white, blue or whatever color smokey figures tonight.
--
1:31am.. im getting sleeeeeeepy. chapter 26 from the divergent book. i think im nearly finished with the first one on the series. im aching to buy the real ones, i mean real tangible books since im only reading from pdfs. pero kasi.. sayang naman, i cud use the money to buy something else..pero kasi..huhu.. i can already imagine the divergent bookset sitting on my bookshelf..i bet it would look pretty next to my hunger games series. they probably come in matching colors.. pero kasi.. sighs..to buy or not buy???bahala na bukas.
--
eyes getting heavy. i give up, im sleeping.
goodnight!
{ 気分} bookworm mode
01:44 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
feeling my chest twisting into a knot.
i just wanna go home.
{ 気分} wants to cry some more
08:52 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
finished the draft for the email I intend to send to MM, he's someone that i look up to-someone im hoping to be my mentor. The email is basically a request for a meet up in cebu since we're going there and that's where he's based.
ive sent the draft to yang for checking and she said, "Nice! Good to go! Send mo na 
"... wahhh!! bigla akong kinabahan.
i feel like a teenager confessing her love for the first time! grabe sobrang kaba ko!!
it takes just one click to send this one. tapos bahala na. i didnt know that one click would require me tons of courage..
sh*t.. kaya ko to!!
one click. here i go.
ay wait, mamaya nalang pala..hahaha..
sh*t. I'm so chicken.
{ 気分} PS: not lovelife related. LOL
10:59 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
back read sha nacino's blog in search for her interviews with her mentors, but instead i found this certain hanz which sha said to be the next bill gates. the whole interview was so interesting that i dropped the initial motive and "stalked" this hanz. he mentioned about this "earn 1million in 90 days challenge." where they find ways to earn 1 million in 90days and give it all away(thru charity or something, i think)
sabi ni izzy, pag feeling mo daw hindi ka pa handa, ibig sabihin daw, handa ka na.
at sabi nila, if it scares you, it must be something good. if your heart's racing, it must be good.
is my heart racing? hell yeah!
it's screaming "I CAN'T!!I CAN'T!!I CAN'T!!I CAN'T!!" good pa ba yon? ewan ko..
sighs.. 90days.. kaya ko kaya?
nakakatuwa yung blog nung hanz. nung sinulat nya kung anong motivation nya, he wrote in bold letters, "FREEDOM".. maybe he's my long lost brother or something.
PS: read that hanz's networth when he was starting the challenge was P30,050. mine now is a few thousands of peso higher. but of course we cant disregard inflation. his was dated 2010. maybe we're just about equal if we take inflation into account. but he downright beat me in terms of network though.. but still..
whatever. instead of justifying why i cant, i would do better if i justify why i can instead, right?
03:20 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
feeling queasy.
i slept less than 3 hrs last night. Was too borlogs this morning i allowed myself to drink some coffee. i know coffee is bawal for me but i was too sleepy to function then. bad move. ikr. now i feel sick to the stomach. huhu.
bought a pair of 2-lb weights yesterday. i intended to buy a resistance rope but it was too expensive i settled for the weights instead. i saw this video kasi of a victoria's secret model's workout. i was just amazed by her frame. bewang palang hita ko na. grabe!! i wonder if i'll ever have a body like that. well, surely that will take more than a pair of 2-lb weights though. but we'll see.
another day to wrestle and the weekday's over..hoooray!..
sighs.. i dont like this anymore.
{ 気分} :(
03:58 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
joined a guessing game frm **'s site where the instruction was to guess how much 3 flower arrangements cost. im guessing they are alstroemeria. im not really knowledgable about flowers. but he's not yet responding from my email so im taking my chances here.
i believe in the power of written wishes. that words in itself are powerful but writing them down reinforces this power. even yang said that she once wrote she'd like to see pope francis in person.. and look, pope francis is coming to ph!!.. di ba??
i too have written a few wishes. one of which is going to cebu to meet someone i idolize and eat at this certain restaurant he owns. well, im going to cebu, alright, but take that "someone i idolize" from the equation and we can no longer consider that as a wish granted right? well, i dont know. i guess its no longer about meeting him. its more about granting the wish and seeing how far i can get as i try to.
tingin ko ganun din yung concept pag dating sa goals. the end DOESN'T really justify the means. where the journey matters more than the goal itself.
--
for days ive been trying to follow the to-do list ive set everyday and its making me feel like a robot. i wonder if im doing it wrong. but how am i suppose to know?
sighs..
{ 気分} confused, lost and lazy
11:04 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
here's that tightness in the chest again.
i've long been thinking of leaving this cage. i dont think going in to another cage would be the answer but it sure sounds like a better option.
but then, maybe its too early to think about that now.
---
ive been feeling drained lately. i wish the yellow here could somehow cheer me up.
---
a german customer just called speaking in japanese.. it really feels nice talking to someone who sucks in the language more than you do. hehe.. (but she's actually better.)
ドイツ語は何か面白いなあ。。
{ 音楽} something german
{ 気分} tired or maybe just lazy
10:27 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
another contest from **'s blog. winner wud be randomly picked. so much easier than turning myself into a florist! hoho!
the prizes are 2-jars of marmalade from his sister (they're not just marmalade, ive read from an old posts that the sister won some prestigious international marmalade-making contest).. but of course im not really joining for the marmalade. im gunning the chance that, maybe, the one who'd deliver the marmalade to the winner would be him! --i dont really know what to do next if i happen to win--i guess ill just worry about it once ive made it.
---
もう仕事を辞めたい。。。
いつまで我慢出来るか、わからない。。。
02:29 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
**'s recent post made me think im not gonna get the response i wanted. which is normal and in a way, expected. even i wudn't give away my contact details to someone i haven't met yet for that person could be a psycho or something (an axe murderer maybe)....or wait, if that's me, i think i actually would!! but of course that's because im not **.
instead of sulking, or start nursing my broken fangirl's heart, i realized i can find many other ways to make it happen. ive been trying out my luck to each and every chance i got. not sure of the result yet but at least i know im doing something.
---
currently working my way out of here. ive set a 100day challenge copying that of hanz's and im on my 97th day. i dont want to listen to the little voices inside me that says 'i cant'. i need to get out of here but i cant let my family starve either. i need to find a way to benefit both. not either, not or, but BOTH. im gonna give it my all.
09:52 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
i feel like an explosive ready to blow out anytime.
..
and i use to be better than this.
{ 気分} losing it
07:13 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
cebu trip will not come to pass due to some unfortunate events.
in a way i think this is good since it can only mean that i will be a few thousands of peso richer by the end of the month plus i have a straight 6 days of freedom (since ive already filed a leave). that's time plus money at my disposal. i can quite imagine my old self jumping to buy something knowing that i have more extra money. but now of course, i know better.
im just worried that ** would respond last minute or something (grabe umaasa ka parin,teh??). but if he's the person that i think he is, i know he wont. maybe we're not ready yet. or I'm not ready yet. im just sad because it will only mean that that would be one item off my wish-list that i wasnt able to fulfill. pero..pede namang someday di ba? basta pwede yan!!
sighsss..
i want to take these few days off to plan and do something. im thinking of finding another cage just to get myself out of here quicker BUT i think that will impede my progress towards my actual goal. sighs.. ang hirap magdecide. i can feel this indecision wearing me out.
sighs ulet.
i dont really know what to do next. all i know is that i need to do something.
and i will.
04:03 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
when im depressed, i eat.
when im worried, i cant eat.
well i dont really think i am, but judging from the way ive been eating lately, i must be really really depressed.
sighs.
--
we went for a trip to quiapo yesterday. its been a while since i last went to manila. i guess im no longer use to the smoke and noise and terrible traffic jam of both vehicles and people.
we decided to see the church since its around the area and we have a few minutes to spare. i get to kneel down a pew by squeezing myself between a bunch of people. i wished to at least touch the nazareno, but the line was so long i settled to the one we saw in a street near the church. i wonder if quiapo church is always full like this.
i saw people walking on their knees. there were a lot of them. i dont know but the sight saddens me. is this how "faith" suppose to be like?? i dont know. it just feel so wrong to me. i just remember one of fr. m's homily about sister faustina. it seems to me that God is inviting us to come to him. that he WANTS us to come to Him. that He's actually accessible to us. i just dont understand why some people makes "faith" looks like a "sacrifice" when it doesnt really have too. pero siguro sadyang kanya kanyang trip lang yan. i mean, who am i to judge?
truth be told, i wasnt entirely happy about this pope francis thing. normally, i love seeing hope in people. and when i found out that pope francis is coming here, it was hope that i was expecting people will find when he comes. i watched most of the footage. i didnt see hope. maybe there were fragments of it, tainted with commercialism and idolatry and something else. i really dont know. im just not happy about it. i know its not pope francis' fault. i dont know whose fault it is. im just sad about it i cant even explain why.
--
just came back from a hospital trip today. i think im making the hospital owner rich already. had some tests and about to go back by the evening for some more. i feel like im starting to become a professional lab rat.
had a talk with the doctor-a cardiologist. i think i like it when im talking to people who know they're doing. made we wish that im a cardiologist too. i think its natural for people to wish to be something they're not.
i just wonder if it will ever be possible to want something that you already have...because it seems to me that its always the other way around.
12:03 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
i had a weird dream last night.
nandun si bamboo.
ang weird nung dream. well, lagi namang weird ang mga dream.
tapos nandun din si G. baket si G? ewan.
--
i wasnt able to watch the voice yesterday. i think this was the first time that i miss it all because i was too sleepy to watch some more. i think being a lab rat can be a bit exhausting. i guess that's the reason why i dreamed of bamboo. but of G, i have no idea.
one of the tests i took yesterday was something they called 2d echo. its like an ultrasound for the heart. i didnt get to see my heart on the screen because ive left my eyeglasses but i was able to hear my heart. its fascinating. at times it sounded like an ocean wave, sometimes like thunder, sometimes like a barking dog or laud gargling. basta ang galing! it killed my suspicions that maybe im an alien...Yess!!tao talaga ko!!haha
--
chatting with bff now. bff is a brave woman. the kind of person that will make you want to be brave too. she just came from a solo trip to cambodia. and now im thinking if i should go to my cebu trip alone too. but i got the next weekend planned already..so maybe its not time to be brave yet. ive also told her about this up coming event im itching to go to. if she's here, i know she'd come, but she just cant fly here from malaysia just now so she told me to just do it alone..and i thought, "why not?".. but i guess id change my mind once the effect of bff's bravery on me wear off.
sometimes i wonder how far i can go if im not so afraid...
--
will be back to my "cage" tomorrow. i wish i dont feel this sick about it. this should stop soon.
10:43 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
