Entries for April, 2015
Ngayon ko lang narealize kung gaano kahirap mag-"Hello". I think I prefer root canal.
Don't worry. You won't die.
LOL.
ikr.
--
exceptionally boring day today. really, i just want to go home.
*image content source: otl2ecourse-bo sanchez
01:05 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
was at the grand easter feast earlier (technically yesterday, since its 1:08 am already) that took place in MOA arena in the far-off island of Pasay. I hate how most of my weekend events will take me 2 hours or so travel before i get to the venue. though i hate the traffic jam, noise, pollution and all, still, sometimes i wish i live somewhere around metro manila instead.
The alabang feast builder, Mike Viñas proposed to his girlfriend during the worship. she said "yes" and they all proceeded to the program as usual. i remember someone asked me how i want to be proposed to. i didnt answer though i had an answer in mind all along. i guess i was expecting him to read my mind hoping he know me well enough to know what i like and dont like. now, he will never know the answer.
oh R, we're growing old. where are you??
gawd, this is pathetic.
---
i took a leave to see the doctor by mon(technically today). kaso nakakatamad. i found that salabat tames the burning sensation due to GERD so i gave it a try and it seem to work. i think id skip seeing the doctor for now. im craving for sleep. yet im not sleeping yet. i dont know. brother said, he use to be like that, wanting to spend the day sleeping and all. pero sabi nya, iba na daw ngayon. mas gusto nya na daw laging gising. ang dami na daw nya kasing gustong gawin para sa anak nya. siguro ganun talaga ang ginagawa ng mga major changes sa buhay. binabago ka rin as a person, and from there, you will never be the same again.
sa tingin ko gusto ko rin ng ganung klaseng pagbabago.
---
was watching "a thing called tadhana" earlier and this part caught me:
02:16 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
was down to this part of this certain e-course where i have to ask 5 people for their feedback about what they think my strength and weaknesses are, etc etc.
Sent the feedback form to my closest friends and so far, bff was the first to send her response..
I find her answers cute. BFFs are BFFs indeed. no questions (and no, she's not a 3-year old girl so please dont judge her penmanship.haha!). I cant remember doing any of the things she listed as my strength. i think she might have based her answer to the person i was back when we were in hs. i love how BFF remember things. i cant believe ive known her for 17 years already. ive known yang a little longer than that. and as for injan's case, ive known her since grade 2!!that's more than 2 decades already!!whew! mejo hindi ako makapaniwala. feeling ko kasi dati wala akong friends. i can be a pain in the ass sometimes and really, im far from perfect. pero natutuwa parin ako na there were these very few people who sticked with me this long. although posible rin n baka wala lang rin silang choice. but whatever. hehe. i think this ecourse is not so bad afterall.
recieved yang's response moments ago. it was funny but im not gonna put everything here kaso mejo showbiz. hehe.
ung sagot nya nalang sa #3,
natawa naman ako dun sa "kulang sa sweetness"..haha.. erm, pano ba maging sweet? nakakatuwa na ang dami mong pwedeng malaman about sa sarili mo just by asking for your friends' feedback.
also sent copies to friends from co 1. yet to recieve a response. i hope they would soon. talaga daw siniseryoso ko to? haha.
--
come sat, and i need to get out from my hermit-like existence. people from servanthood101 are organizing a meetup. dahil sa forever hermit-mode ako, i found an excuse saying, "malayo bahay ko e... malayo kami sa makati..blah blah blah." they asked where do i live and told me to just give a suggestion on what place will be more accessible to me. chose ortigas. my bad. i shouldve chosen bulacan instead so that most of them will think twice before yielding. nakakatamad. now i cant make any excuse anymore since it was i who suggested the location in the first place. nyemers.
It's gonna be the feast of the Divine Mercy this coming Sunday, I'm thinking of going to the shrine with injan. the thought of not having even just a day of rest makes me feel homesick already.
---
will be taking another leave on fri so tomorrow concludes my work week. hindi ko expertise ang pagtulog.. pero parang gustong gusto ko lang matulog lately.
*image content source(form): otl2ecourse by bo sanchez
02:44 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
a friend tagged me a photo from some event that we were in. hid it from my timeline right away.
jeez, kailangan ko na talagang magdiet.
----
totally unrelated (to the title. i mean, so not sigh-worthy).
its 12:16am now. still up as usual and binge reading this awesome blog <click here>. that's offset 25. if u want to read the recent posts, <click here>. i didnt know this blogger's from the philippines until i read further. she's awesome!! read somewhere in her blog that her name's is chinie(i might've messed up with the spelling). i wish ill be like her when i turn forty-something too.. she's really hilarious. im really struggling to silence my laughter lest id wake everyone in the house.
***
sleep seems to be in a far-off universe at the moment. natrapik ata or naligaw kaya. ewan. but its all good, tomorrow's event will be by the evening so it's safe to oversleep. i guess ill read some more.
----
12:27am. happy saturday, everyone!
12:29 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
watched this Dove ad. grabe nakakaiyak. huhu. SOOO moving. urgh.
jeez, I hate how aging makes your eyes incredibly leaky. i swear i wasnt like this when i was younger.
...
"every day, I go through the average door. but yesterday was a unique day. so i chose to go through the beautiful one."-1:55
i dont know, but i find that girl so brave i want to give her a hug.. huhu.. sh*t...why am i being like this??! so senti. eow.
--
been feeling upset for more than 24 hours now. i tried examining my thoughts trying to find the reason why, pero hindi ko talaga alam. plus im having this dying thoughts again. see, i am a woman, I have a reliable intuition. so it's kind of eerie that im having these thoughts. i've been into a number of accidents already so im quite sure im not scared of dying. the thoughts itself is not scaring me either. im just sad. if things end here, i feel like ive failed myself, my loved ones... the universe and everything else. ganun.. ewan ko. am i dying soon??
and if im not dying yet, why am i not doing something to change my life the way i want to before the very end?
was crying(again) kanina to the Heavens.. i dont know why im crying. i just need to. im upset about something i dont know. am i losing days? i feel so unfulfilled. near zero motivation. and it seems like the word inspiration was temporarily(or at least i hope) removed from my vocabulary.
n years ago. i dreamed of becoming something great. of conquering the world. of being beneficial to the society or the world or the whole universe even.. and then n years later... here i am. i am just me. not the ME that i thought i would be or wanted to be.
i wonder if its too late to start now. if im not dying, then, its probably not. but i have no way of knowing if i am or i am not. if i know that im am, then its too late. if i know that im not, will i do things differently?
will i do things differently?
..
..
sighs.. im not happy.
{ 気分} not happy
11:27 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
yeah, monday na monday, mejo suicidal mode na ko. nakakadepress ang mga bagay bagay sa office. iniisip ko nga kung makakauwi pa ba ko ng buhay... hayy..
nakakadepress na ang daming bagay bagay na hindi ko maayos. naisip ko lang na maybe all these wouldnt be so depressing of only im not doing these all on my own. hayy ulet.
haaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
---
was actually happy yesterday. after months of not showing up, i went to my greeter's duty again. i was with jenny. we met up at GIG and it was AWESOME!!!.. the title was "a thing called direction." parang ginaya sa "a thing called tadhana". the talk was about discernment. discernment as in, ano bang life ang pipiliin mo, single life? married life? or consecrated life? ganung klaseng discernment. they invited 4 speakers. si dr. d at albert zabala ung representative ng married life. ms. meann tee ung sa single life and si fr. pipo ung sa consecrated life. at ang galing nilang lahat.
even fr. pipo lumelevel din sa kulit. i thought he will be this demure-demure conservative type, but no, he wasnt. he made people crack up when the topic about sex was brought up and he mentioned about "protection" and that it can be bought in 7-11.. it was really funny.
pero yung natandaan ko talagang line from him e yung, "do not reduce sexuality to sex"... or something like that. basta ganun.
natuwa rin ako dun sa take nilang lahat sa premarital sex. basta... ang galing lang.
albert zabala mentioned about reading that same book that ive read for a lot of times already. nabanggit nya yung 2 words na naging sagot sa discernment process na ginawa nung author.. yung "you" at "choose".. or "you choose"
you choose.
jenny and i talked about it over lunch..
tas syempre ung tanong na "so, ano, nadiscern mo na ba yung direction mo?"... 2 people asked me that same question that day. 3 if idadagdag ko yung sarili ko.. hehe.. so, na-discern ko na ba??
well, dati pa naman, nadiscern ko na.
jenny then asked me, "e pano kung may ibang will pala si God?"
i think ive been asking the same thing for more than a decade now.
i answered jen, "hindi mo pwedeng sabihing iba yung will ni God sa will mo hangga't hindi mo pa nagagawa lahat ng kaya mong gawin to get it."
we teach best what we need most to learn indeed.
naalala ko tuloy yung mga bagay na gustong gusto kong makuha noon tas hindi ko nakuha. i ended up concluding na "baka hindi ito para saken." even before the race ended. even before i start to fight. walang sense di ba?
feeling ko eto yung mga case na may gusto kang makuha but you're not willing to pay the price to get it so you resign into thinking na baka hindi para sayo... kahet hindi mo pa nasusubukan. kahet hindi ka pa lumalaban. katamaran ba o kaduwagan, hindi ko rin alam. basta.
basta naisip ko lang, from now on, ayoko nang i tolerate yung ganung excuse. bago ko iisipin na hindi para saken ang isang bagay, sisiguraduhin ko munang nagawa ko na lahat ng pwede kong gawin. yung as in nasubukan ko na talaga lahat ng option na meron ako. ganun.
---
x-factor ung topic sa feast. about finding your passion. sa totoo lang stress na stress ako everytime na sinusubukan kong hanapin kung ano ba yung passion ko. yung gift ko. sabi kasi namamatay daw yung gift pag hindi mo na nu-nurture.. kaya pa kayang buhayin yung gift pag namatay na sya? hayy.. kawawa naman yung gift ko... namatay na walang kalaban laban. sana alam nyang sinubukan ko naman syang hanapin. at hinahanap ko parin sya just in case lang na buhay pa pala sya at naghihingalo lang... hay, grabe naiimagine ko talaga toooo..my poor gift. huhu.
---
will be going to sis-in-law's place this sun. fiesta daw e. ive been into hermit mode for what feels like forever lately and now i find myself craving for human interaction. yesterday turned out to be a good one. next week, it will too...
---
sa totoo lang, ang tough parin ng buhay ko lately. pero natutuwa parin ako dahil most of the time, naayos din naman lahat. or kung hindi man, may mangyayari parin na for the better.. or if i'm lucky, minsan for the best pa.
siguro sadyang kailangan nga lang magpatuloy.
03:25 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
hindi naman talaga ako bitter. pramis.
pero kasi, an fb friend posted a pic of her and her bf. and the bf was like,
"i love you so much, honey. i had a great time with you."
at sabay banat ng.
"some may say it's coincedent but for me it's destiny.."
and the girl made banat ng..
"yes its destiny."..
i mean, what the f***... seriously??!!..
kung nakakamatay ang umay, men.. baka na ICU na ko.. hindi ko kinaya to. pramiz.
****
or totoo nga kayang baka kulang lang ako sa sweetness? takte. im 99% sure im not gonna do/say/write something like this in the future.. kadiiiiireeeeeeee...hahhahaha..
sh*t. abnormal ba ko?
04:00 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
heard it from joi the last time we saw each other about this certain article entiltled, "i will never pursue you" or something. i wasnt able to get a link so i turned to google and voila! there it is.. i wonder if this is really what joi was talking about.
I Will Never Pursue You
Maybe I’m beginning to like you a lot,
but I will never pursue you.
Around me, I’m tempted by all these pawns
calling me to use them,
looking me in the eye, saying
maybe you and I can ”accidentally” bump into each other in a coffee shop;
maybe we can schedule “friendly dates” with a bunch of conniving friends;
maybe I can start “innocent” topics with you over that gleaming chat box,
ask you things that no one would brand as bad,
I can even send you “wrong sends.”
But even this early, I realized
that albeit pawns are the most numerous pieces in a game,
at the end of the day,
they are but
the weakest.
Don’t get me wrong -
I want to be with you.
Just to get to know you more,
I am ready to manipulate
so many things -
things I can hide in my heart’s darkest cellars
things you would never have to know
I did.
And I am so sorry
if so many times
I feel terribly inclined to make things happen
in a forced manner
through the methods I uncannily know;
and always try to get in your way
even if most of the time,
it’s way out of mine.
I would never want to know
how it is to look at you
knowing that only my own human hands
engineered the story
we so thoughtlessly call ours.
I choose not to get my hands dirty.
I will not move my cards -
use things, use people
just to get to you.
I will be secure
even if we do not get to be together
as often as I would want us to.
I will be happy
even if we do not get to know each other
as fast as I want us to.
I will not sulk
if I do not get my way
in trying to make way
for us to finally talk.
I choose to be secure
even if such things are way out of my control.
Perhaps my heart will rest more happily
knowing that I have never orchestrated things
by employing selfish methods;
never cheated you
by whispering my own words through other people’s mouths,
never betrayed you
by telling you at the end of the day
that it is I who made everything possible,
that it is I who worked behind the scenes,
that it is I who controlled and manipulated everything
just like some pathetic cheater
in any easy exam.
If anything, maybe I can write these things about you in secret
for now
then just tell you everything (laughingly) in the future.
Plenty of time to bide,
to strive,
to try to improve myself,
become a better woman.
But one thing I’ll never do is pursue you.
I’ll never do the pursuing
the making way
the courting
the getting to know
And the trying to be close to you part.
Because it’s not my part.
I’ll stick to the part that I know -
and that is to keep my heart pure.
So pure
That when love finally finds me
I’ll know that what I have is divine.
My part is to trust God,
to fix my eyes on Him,
to acknowledge His sovereignty in all my life’s areas
I don’t want human hands
Not mine.
Not yours.
I want the only Hands that matter –
His.
That as I wait, He’ll be my only delight
my singular motive,
my one true purpose;
for His will and His person
to become my life's utmost concern.
I’ll never pursue you or anyone else.
I’ll pursue the One
who loves me best,
knows me best,
and who’s the only authority to deem it best
if ever you are the one
I should have in my life…
Or not.
Until then, I may find myself liking you too much,
but I will never pursue you.
source: https://anniemarr.wordpress.com/2014/08/11/i-will-never-pursue-you/
----
though i admit that this was beautifully written, i kind of find it a little bit unhealthy.
well, i do believe that pursuing is the guy's job.. but i think the writer of this article just had it a little too much. i mean, the not doing anything at all part.
well, i use to think this way too.. thinking that my actions might interfere whatever it is that the Divine Existence has in store for me, resolving to not making actions at all.. but now i think that's rather delusional for us humans to think our mere actions can prevent the Divine from whatever it is that He wants to really happen.
how can we possibly use the pawns when we're actually one of them?
but maybe we're more priviledged than pawns because we're actually given a choice.
at ayun... erm, mejo nakalimutan ko na yung point ko. but, whatever.
03:11 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
the second agreement: do not take anything personally
that's taken from the book, "The four agreement" by Don Miguel Ruiz.
--
see, i am trying to set ugly thoughts aside. i wonder if breakups haunt people this way. like a ghost.
you can leave, but u cant prevent the ghost of them from following you.
i can be angry. i can whine. i can be defensive. or i can just muffle all the noise and pretend im not hearing them...
*****
if you're happy..
and you think you're better off..
if you're glad that things turned out this way..
and feels relieved even..
e di ikaw na... edi ,wow.
do you really have to brag it right on my face.. do i really have to know???
BS.. i want my peace, so f*ck off. 
{ 気分} angry and aggravated
11:13 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
