Entries for May, 2015
1. i haven't sleep the whole night. as in zero. not even a minute or so. feels practically floating today.
2. if flirting is a skill required for survival, im probably dead by now. damn, i need a tutorial. currently searching for one now. lol.
3. my stomach feels funny. i wonder if this is related to lack of sleep.
******
thursday. im back to work. or at least my body is.. not me.
sooo sleepy. i might've left my spirit back in my bed.
12:47 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
clearly, it's hard to ask about something you already know.
..
i lack cunning. ive seen women who're just so skilled at it and watched them with awe, thinking, maybe if id be more like them, maybe id get to get things i want. well, im actually good at getting things i want in other areas of life-- those that dont involve people. but then i think, maybe, i can use honesty and sincerity instead since that is my strong suit.
i lack cunning. so what?
if life is a battle, then maybe some can use spear if they are good at it. others may use bow and arrow. we dont all have to use similar weapons, right? if slingshot is what you're good at, then make use of it... even the young david won over the giant warrior goliath with a slingshot. so why not?
im getting so fed up with my life's situation. if cunning is not my strong suit, then im gonna try honesty and sincerity instead. im willing to go for whatever works.
watch me, world.
..
..
or wag nalang kaya? sighss..
{ 気分} chicken
09:27 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
having a hard time getting things done because im too sleeeeeeeeepy. i actually dont need my sleep hormones supplement anymore but still take them out of habit.
its a wednesday. its been a while since i last went to my panata day, i wonder if fr. m will be there. i hope he will. i want to get rid of this lost lost feeling.
the coming weekend will be the only sched-free weekend of the month. maybe i can catch up on sleep and on reading some of my books.
bff will be going to rp on 23rd so we can visit our hs friend guads who's pregnant with twins. she's in the icu right now as they're trying to keep her from delivering the babies since its not time yet. we're suppose to give her a baby shower pero mukhang hindi na kami mahihintay ng mga baby. said they'll be allowing her to have the babies delivered by 14th.
on the 24th, we need to fly to cavite to pick up my niece and her mom as the following week will be her christening.
my niece's binyag will be sort of a big event. we're expecting relatives and family friends to come. there are few relatives that i wish to talk to regarding some project that a cousin and i are planning to start. i think maybe i dont have to look so far to gain connection when our family has a handful. dapat nagreresearch ako ngayon about it,, pero grabe, antok na antok talaga ko. tapos nakakatamad pa.
if i manage to buy reservation before 15th, i might be attending sha's writing seminar around the first week of june. JUNE. shocks. mag ju-JUNE na! oh, mother Earth.. why so fast? huhu.
yang and i are planning to join toast master's club. from the look of it, i dont think we can manage to pick the same chapter because of our schedule and location. also, yang and her ministry members(media people) are planning to put up a writing club too. yang said she'll introduce me to them. we use to plan putting up one under our old biz, RAVE. now we're wondering if we're just gonna have her ministry friends join us under RAVE or create a new one.
sa totoo lang, i think yang and i together have so many resources and connections(and erm, maybe talents too?). as i think about it the more convinced i am na we got so much potential. i wonder what's holding us back... ano bang hinihintay namin to unleash our greatness monster within us. or.. am i being delusional? ewan ko.
just the thought of all these activities makes me feel alive. siguro nami-miss ko na yung fast-paced na buhay. pero kung fast-paced nga pero directionless parin, then i think im still missing the point.
started that goal-setting thingy to have direction for myself. wednesday na, hindi ko parin natatapos. hindi ko maintindihan kung baket hirap na hirap akong isipin kung ano bang gusto kong gawin sa buhay ko. a person can only do so much in life. we all have only 24 hours a day. feeling ko ang big deal na pumili ng isang bagay or iilang bagay na paglalaanan mo ng majority ng precious waking hours mo. i know that as i put my decision on hold, im also wasting those precious hours away. alam ko naman yun, pero kasi... hayyst. naiinis ako sa excuses. at naiinis din ako that im making one now.
sa ngayon, i think ang priority ko muna e to do those things that make me feel alive again. id make my decision once im settled. or maybe once im no longer too lazy to write it down.teehee.
03:01 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
love life related:
advisee: we broke up.
adviser: good for you.
****
not love life related:
how can you love someone you no longer respect? or is that even possible?
****
others:
that about to faint feeling. damn, GTE. i wonder if im gonna die like this.
11:14 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
hello monday!
its 836 in the morning and my eyes sear. woke up this morning looking like kerokeropi. thank God there's makeup.
met yang at the feast yesterday. i think i was crying 90% of the time during the talk. and it wasnt even particularly tearjerking. ugh, damn, old age. this uber puffy eyes is driving me nuts. cant believe i even cried when i watched "asia's next top model" last night. i mean, come on, what's there to cry about in "asia's next top model"? i think there's really something wrong with my eyes. ugh.
yang and i were suppose to go to her friend's wedding yesterday. we were even wearing our outfits already until we decided to back out. maybe its because of the scorching heat or maybe because we were just so lazy. or maybe both.
--
it came to tita's knowledge that a cousin and i are planning to do contractual projects and last sat she talked to dad, urging me to go on with the plan. said she'll be finding projects for us and even offered to finance for us. tita was actually the best sales agent in her old company and ive seen her work. she's really great. now, with all my previous excuses ('i dont have money', 'where can we get projects', etc.) gone, all i have to do is do my part which is to actually have ourselves registered. last sat i was looking at the 25-page form with distaste. ano bang problema ko?
ano bang problema ko?
yesterday, yang and i were trying to figure this same issue out. we went home without an answer. i think we're overthinking and underdoing.
with tita around, i hope she can press me to act. because i cant do that myself to myself. i didnt realize how i lack discipline until now.
09:31 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
mom woke me up in the middle of the night for i was again screaming. i usually scream in my sleep whenever i dream of ghosts. but last night, i didnt dream of ghost. i dreamed of snake. it slithered on to my legs and even up to now, the thought of its slimy skin creeps me out.
i wonder what dreaming about snakes means. mom said it could be money or betrayal. since i have no way of knowing which, i think id give it a rest.
****
will be seeing an old friend from college tonight. she owns a construction biz with her husband who's also a college classmate and im hoping to seek her advise. this friend is quite the frank type. borderline tactless. i remember we had a huge disagreement during freshman days and we didnt talk to eachother for years after ward. we became friends again eventually-and a better one at that. i am even her 2nd child's ninang now.
still, im quite surprised that im actually looking forward to meet her again. my life as an adult had been filled with niceties and pleasantries that i guess its sort of refreshing to hear someone say the truth-bad or good-sometimes. but i need to check if im scheduled to have pms anytime soon lest we'll clash. i really hope not. minus the lack of tact, this friend could be really an amazing person.
oh, Heavens.. help me.
12:48 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
hai...
hai uli...
pag nareject ang title namin bukas..
paalam na..
paalam ideal groupmates..
paalam sa dati kong lovelife..
at paalam geotextile at soil bearing capacity...
@#&***#%#
sabi nya ndi nya daw crush si april
love na..
tapos magtetext sya ng iluvu??
ginagawa nyang biro ang lahat..
sana tumatahimik nalang sya para mas madali ang
lahat..
tumatahimik na nga ako e..
hai...
sana gumaling na ang sakit ko...
sana manalo ako ng gift cert sa nbs
sana magtop 1 ako sa board exam....
sana mamedia ang PS namin...
sana uli...
sana agen..
sana tumahimik nalang sya..
sana tantanan nya na 'ko..
sana manalo ako sa lotto..
sana may manlibre sakin ng zagu..
sana makakain ako uli sa pao tsin..
masarap ang wanton
masarap ang zagu
parang gusto ko ng pizza..
tapos spaghetti..
ano ba yan.. nagugutom tuloy ako...
---
this was written by my 5th year college self.
for my XX years of existence, ive seen a number of people coming and going in and out of my life. i do miss some of them even up to this day. but aside from other people, i think a part of me misses my old self too. i find it amusing reading old blogs and letters ive written, sent and recieved then. oh, how time flies...
was chatting with a friend yesteday. said she'll be fetching her bf from the airport tomorrow(technically now). this friend and i have been friends since elementary so we hardly hide anything from one another.
i asked the friend if she plans to surrender "Bataan" (you know what i mean).
she answered me something that goes, "pwede narin. nasa tamang age naman na tayo."
i told her id support whatever her decision would be. and that im excited about her-excuse me for the word-"sex life". i asked her to keep me posted. she promised to tell me the story in full details.
know what, im glad that i was able to keep friends like this. friends that ive seen grow and develop from childhood to full grown adults. those friends who grew up to be an adult with me. still, i cant help but feel a little sad and a little bit clingy and a little bit wishing that we will never grow old and remain laughing and fooling around as how we were back when we were little kids.
and maybe im feeling like this because i feel like im now the only one being left in my innocent little world.
10:26 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
last weekend was a social one.
met with a lot of people.. and i think the most common things i heard from these people aside from the usual kamustahan were "tumatamaba ka na" and.. erm, something (lack of) lovelife related. ugh!
i need to diet. its gonna be my niece's christening on sun. of course id like to look good on pictures! hehe.. besides, a lot more people will see me there-- id rather hear nice comments or anything other than 'ang taba mo na' hayyst.
i hope the power of atkins diet will help me get back to at least my usual weight before the event. gambatte, self.
anyway, my niece is at home now. we fetched her yesterday. the preparation was a bit stressful but i think we're recovering. we will be having our house blessings too on the same date as my niece's binyag. the construction is not yet through but it's inhabitable now. my room still looks creepy though. i dont think i can sleep there until we have it blessed. i practically begged mom to have the house blessed because of the series of bad dreams ive been having about our house and all. i hope it will stop after the house blessing.
next weekend would be another social weekend. im not actually a sociable person but i do love socializing with people i actually like (friends and relatives). nini and i will be seeing shara. she just gave birth too a few weeks ago. i think you'll know when you're getting older when your reunions happen when someone get married, or in this case, gave birth.
-----
final week of the month before may is over and here comes june. edsa will going to be back from being a semi-parking lot again meaning i have to wake up extra early once june comes. huhu.
-----
a cousin commented about me being smart(a myth that every family members have long been believing) but indecisive. because im yet to act out our plan. aside from the lack of money (which i think we can actually fix now), i know i have deeper reasons..
ive learned not to put your life on hold while you wait for something... but there's that stubborn side of me that just wont listen.
i just read an article this morning about the theory of multi universe and i think that's all bullsh*t. another human's ingenious way of justifying why they're not going for what they want. they will settle into believing whatever BS that will make them feel better. multi universe your face (mainit ulo??lol)
sighs.. and im human too. though i dont believe in multi universe, i am no excemption.
02:41 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
will be ending another decade of my life in a few months.
and now i find myself googling how a woman should dress up in her thirties..
while the whole world is telling me to be this and that before the big 3-ooooh , my absolute major concern is how im gonna change my wardrobe. haha.
so much for sweating the small stuff.
im embracing the inevitable.
i may be turning 30 but that fact will in no way make me less awesome!
so yeah, here i come, 30th birthday!!
all smiles..
image source: http://offbeatmeetschic.com
PS: i think this is my most plastic post ever. lol
07:24 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
could be that time of the month..
or maybe the lack of sleep..
or the stress..
or the mess... in my life.. in my stuff.. in everything.
im finding it hard to control my temper lately. especially with the house needing a lot of fixing and with most of my stuff missing and no one seem to know where what is.
ggggggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
was so angry i want to kill everyone in the house. sabi what u express expands daw. i did try not burst-- i failed.
know what, ive seen death before. i know the horror. i know how real dying is. and because of that, ive decided to set aside my pride and choose to love those that i care for now that they are still alive. because they can die any moment. I can die any moment. and from there, i will lose every chance i have in loving them-- no more second chances after that. i know.
sighhhhhhhhhhhhss.
it's just weird how when you hurt(intentionally or unintentionally) the people you love, the hurt just naturally bounce back to you.
--
urgh. this is such a bad day.
07:37 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
it's a friday!! hoooorrrraaaaaay!!
will be seeing my former officemates laters. magda-diet dapat ako ngayon.--well, MAGDA-DIET PA RIN AKO NGAYON (repeat until it sink in) pwede ko namang hindi kainin yung mga carbs na part ng kakainin namin diba.. kaya ko tohh!! wahhh!
mejo nakakaaasar lang na nakakalungkot na ewan. J is supposed to be with us but refused for "girlfriend-first" reason. He wasnt like that. he use to be fun before the gf materialize. mejo nakakalungkot lang. na nakakainis. na ewan. i mean, pag may gf ba dapat nagiging korni na. basta. pero pramis, hindi naman ako bitter. well, it seems that this dinner is going to pass without J.
---
completed the work week with less than 4 hours sleep everyday. ive been sleep deprived most of my life, but its just different when you lack sleep because you dont have time to sleep, than when you lack sleep because you naturally cant. the former is way draining. parang pagod na pagod ako lately. or signs of aging ba to? wahh!
for how things seem, i will be sleep deprived again today-- i need to meet with nini early tom. will be flying to cavite to see shara. and by sun, there's a family event. see, i really love spending time with people especially those that i care for, but its sucking whatever little social juices i have(not a sociable person). took a leave on mon to recharge. with all these socializing events, i dont think i can be a functioning human being for another week without it.
---
chatted with a friend a few days back to ask, "so ano, nasuko mo na ba ang bataan?"
and she was like, "oo, nasuko na pero partial lang.." which i didnt understand.
so i asked her, "panong partial lang? anu yun, pabara-baranggay muna ang isusuko bago buong bataan?ganun?haha.."
nakakatawa lang. i think i need to remind the friend that my comprehension for stuff like this is on a fetus level. lol.
but seriously, im not feeling good about the whole thing. maybe because i dont really trust the guy. or maybe because nalulungkot lang ako dahil the friend didnt wait to do it after marriage. i wonder if sex can be a sturdy enough foundation in a relationship. i really dont know.
well, people grow up, grow old and make choices. siguro ganun lang talaga.
01:11 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
