Entries for November, 2013
on a jeep ride home kanina..
i saw my highschool ultimate crush. hindi ko talaga sya nakilala.. my umbrella almost fell on his son's face. i clumsily held it in between my knees kasi when i was fumbling through my bag in search for a hanky. said sorry. akala ko the father was just smiling in acknowledgement for that sorry. pero when he kept staring and kept smiling.. i found it really weird. maybe he saw the quizzical look on my face kaya he decided to say something.
- di ba ikaw si __, yung kapatid ni ____ na taga ___
- yeah, wait..sino ka nga po? ..
-si R-----, kaibigan ako ni (insert my bro's name here).
so, there. nagkaintindihan na..akala kung anong problema nya at bakit sya ngumingiti at nakatingin lang saken. i told him na hindi ko sya nakilala kasi he looked different. sabi nya, pero gwapo parin naman di ba?
i then told him that my bro is gonna get married. he asked kung ako daw kelan. when i told him i dont know, he asked kung kelan ko daw balak. i dont know why i found the whole conversation flirty..or baka guni guni ko lang..
14 years back. he was this guy who asked me if he can have a dance with me on an acquaintance party. saktong sakto naman nung papalakad na kami sa dance floor, biglang hindi na sweet yung song. kahet nuon pa, lagi talaga kaming wrong timing.. liking an elder brother's friend had never been easy.. and i know its way harder on the guys side. but whatever.. its just a past now.
sighs.. i just wish, i had put some powder on kanina or kahet lipgloss man lang. hindi ko pa nakita yung panyo ko kaya hindi ko mapunasan yung pawis ko.. badtrip. wrong timing talaga.
sighs.. if things have been different, will our today be different kaya.. will his son be my son instead of someone else's? ewan ko.. or fate ba yun? yung nagset ng lahat ng barriers.. that force who made things not possible for us then? or is it us? hindi ko rin talaga alam..
i remember a book i use to read. entitled para kay b. the title says, may kota daw ang pag-ibig. the main reason why i bought it.. pero may kota nga ba? i dont know..
its just weird how we sometimes claim that we love someone, or that a certain someone is really important to us. but what's really confusing is how we just let them pass us by.. i mean, if they are really that important, why would we let them go anyway.
love is for the brave indeed.
{ 気分} an addition to my what ifs
09:11 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
its that secret smile you got upon knowing that someone still cares for you..
kahit na nga you may not have him again-- for the rest of your lives.
ang tragic.
but no whining about the past whatsoever. i want to move on. move forward. move fast. and believe that the future's gonna get better. meron or wala mang future.
--
bro's wedding's fast approaching. the whole clan seem to be all excited about it. this is after all the first proper wedding among the third generation of our clan. it took some time for my bro to finally have a girlfriend. some of our relatives thought that a younger cousin from our generation would be the first to get married. of course, they got it wrong. yay to my bro for that. of course, it never occur to them to assume that its gonna be me. come to think of it, ive often been rumored to be pregnant. cant blame them thou. my other girl cousins who are near my age had set that kind of trend. but im not judging my cousins. we practically grew up together. i know that if my circumstances had been different i may have ended up the same..and to be honest, i dont really mind. as the passing years add up to my age, most of our relatives are thinking that id be following the trend of my other titas who were never married. among the 2 trends that the women in our clan displays, id rather belong to the trend that my cousins have set. oh, for heaven sake..sigh..
but whatever. sighs uli.. i wish i can just follow my brother's footstep instead.. i mean..you know..properly get married and all.
--
my long weekend will be over in a few hours..back to work tom.. i need to be back on diet too. i need to fit into my gown. the motif is fuchsia pink. the only good thing i see in that is that the color complements my hair color (copper brown).. i havent tried fitting the gown yet. but ive seen the picture. its tube, seemingly fit on the waist and around ankle length. sana hindi ako magmukhang boxingero. i bought a backup gown of the same color just in case hindi ko masikmura ang hitsura ng napili nilang gown for me..hehe..ang daming arte, daig pa ng bride.
mejo excited narin ako. =)
--
ok, got to wake up early pa tom. i need to sleep..
ciao for now.
goodnight.
{ 気分} quickly springing back up
06:26 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
dead tired.
last night i got less than 4hrs sleep. not that im not used to it. sleeping had never been my forte after all..
i know i should be sleeping now.
--
nothing much today.
everyday of this week ive been going home with thoughts like "im gonna be nicer to ___ tomorrow", but then when tomorrow comes, ayun ulet. i dont know what's with that person, but he really got the talent of bringing the maldita in me. and really, i feel bad for being bad. i just cant help it.
--
napanaginipan ko pala si opis crush kahapon. i rarely dream about my crushes.
know what, i really have this strong feeling that someone likes him too. i wonder if he had noticed that already. finding out that other girls like the guy i like usually send me fuming, but for some reason, i do not feel that way now. maybe ive grown up na. but if he'd start to like the girl back, then, that's another story. i wonder kung sinong gusto nya sa opis. or if he have one. i do not know a lot of people in our account yet. but i heard, he's single daw. kung may gagawin ba ko magkakagusto kaya sya saken??sighs..whatever.
--
ok,more pressing stuff.
november na. feeling ko, there's something wrong with my brains kasi feeling ko december na. a lot of things i dread will happen on dec.
i do not feel productive for the past weeks. or months.. i feel so under motivated. i think i need to remind myself over and over again kung bakit ko dapat gawin ang mga dapat kong gawin.
in the end of the day, i know what i really want. but it is still, as it had always been, beyond me. so, i resorted to work on the things i need. it feels like too much labor.
--
yesterday, i bought a liturgical diary for 2014. the one i bought for 2013, i wasnt able to use much. pero bumili parin ako this year. in support for fr. m. its for a good cause after all. nakakatuwa nga kasi when i got there to buy a copy, i saw fr. m, doing the book signing!! sa totoo nyan, mahiyain akong tao, pero, ano ba? talo talo na to!! nakipila na rin talaga ako. hehe. i was all smiles when i got home. i got fr. m's autograph =).. eeee!! all smiles!!
tama,ang weird. im fangirling a priest.
--
ok, so much for this nonsense post. i need to sleep
8:40pm tonight. goodnight.
{ 気分} sleepy and sad
09:29 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
i feel like i dont have a life at all =(
07:08 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
to just stir whatever life there is that was left of me, im back.
yay!!
so, how are things going?its pretty much a lazy boring week as always. the highlight of the week when a bus i was riding collided to another bus, which made my mom think that im a magnet for vehicular accident because this was the 2nd time around. oh, well, no one died though. thankfully.
ive been feeling unwell for the past days. slightly feverish and barely sleeping due to clogged nose. been also having dreams of some guy that wants to teach me how to see ghost and supernatural stuff. this re-occurring dream has been freaking me out for more than a couple of days now. well, maybe, that's how life balances things.. when your life lacks action, your dreams would. i just hope that life will give me something pleasant next time.
my mind was floating the whole week due to a fever+flu+lack of sleep+grumbling stomach which is not a very good combination. i ve sent wrong emails twice today.. im not being defensive here, but i think this is not so me. i use to be this detail freak and all, and now, i cant believe that i overlooked such crucial details. sighs.. this is not good.
--
under-motivated still. there are things i need to do but i just cant find the will to actually do them..
half way thru november. 15 days to go before the exam. my body is finding all the excuse it can get just to skip studying. i hate failing. but i hate studying just as much. sh*t, i can almost see my future in this...lakas maka suicide mode. wahhh!!! PENGING BLADE!!! T_T
--
23-24 would be the kerygma conference. im really looking forward to this. 
our account also happened to have its 10th year anniv on 23rd(if i remember it right). sa dinamidami ng petsa sa kalendaryo, sumakto pa dun sa date ng conference. i really feel bad for not being able to come. i mean, its been more than 3 months since ive been here pero iilan lang ang tao sa opis na alam ko ang pangalan , like mga 6..oo, ganun kakonti. i may have bumped into some of them in the hallways and corridors at malamang hindi ko marerecognize na part sila ng account and maybe likewise, hindi rin nila marerecognize na kasamahan nila ko. this is rather sad. my ability to socialize is not even that good to begin with, that's why i dont know if things can actually get better eventually. but well, bahala na.
i think this is my fear even back in my first co. to leave without having anyone notice that your gone...yeah, it didnt happen in my first co because ive stayed long enough.. but in this co, im not so sure.
actually, lahat ng part ng buhay ko ngayon, hindi ako sure.
--
pressing stuff at home. im really starting to feel drained.
ang lovelife naman, as always, zero.
talking about lovelife makes me miss injan. i miss devising ridiculous schemes with her on how to catch the guys we like. we dont actually do them of course, but i just miss the fun. wala na kong mapagkwentuhan ng inexistent lovelife ko. i wonder how she is now.
sometimes, ang tough talaga ng buhay
--
sabi sa nabasa kong libro, life has to be lived no matter what.
at siguro, kahit gano pa kahirap nyan, kung di k nyan kayang patayin, then, it can only turn u into a better person.
with that..good luck to us all.
--
9:49... seems like ill be lacking of sleep again tonight.
goodnight
{ 本} Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children
{ 気分} having a tough life but standing still
09:49 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
you can only do so much in a day.
bro's gf was here kanina to take measurements for the gown and other stuff. i helped in the distribution of wedding invitations to the neighbors and then accompanied mom to the gown maker.
its 37mins past 4..im losing the day again..
--
and seeing this levitating girl in my desk doesnt help...
I-MUST-NOT-READ-RIGGS-I-MUST-READ-MY-NIHONGO-BOOKS
damn. its like a battle between good and evil.. let's see who'd win today.
{ 音楽} odd noise from the ceiling fan
{ 本} refer to the picture above
{ 気分} having acid attack
04:38 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
KCOM tom!!
i learned from yang that fr. m was there nung 1st day(thurs) ng conference. i just signed up for the last two days ng conf since i couldnt leave work. super sayang talaga. i didnt know he was there. well, not that i can do anything in case that ive known...of course, i cant leave work..pero basta..huhu..super sayang. even before the conference started ive been thinking of the possibility that bo will have fr. m as one of the speakers. ive been wondering back then if it has ever reached bo's knowledge that our dear fr. mario is an excellent speaker too. tapos aun nga..andun sya.. nakakatuwa lang. i learned from yang that he was there to cover for fr. eric who was not able to attend.. nakakalungkot lang na wala ako dun.. huhu.. i wonder if he'd come tomorrow.. its not written in the schedule though, so bale fat chance talaga.. hayyy..super sayang..
but anyway, im still super excited for the conference... =)
--
report for the week:
its pretty much the same at work. petiks parin. outside work lang ang medyo hectic. i went to an interview yesterday. isang walang kakwenta kwentang interview..sighs.. i really thought id be able to find an extra job pa naman.. pero ipupush ko parin yan..
i need to work hard. work smart, work fast.. ang labo labo parin kasi talaga ng future. gusto ko nang yumaman. kaylangan ko nang yumaman.. feeling ko lately nagiging more demanding na saken ang mundo.. feeling ko nga buhat ko na yung mundo eee..oh, kay pait..hehe..hayyyy..
but complaints are only for the incompetent, kaya , yes, kaya ko to.. kaya ko talaga to..
iniisip ko lang, kung hindi kaya kaylangan ng tao ng pera para mabuhay, ano kayang ginagawa ko ngayon?
i need to expand my options. ayoko na ng feeling na wala akong choice. ayoko nang gumawa ng choice that id feel sorry about. i want to be ready to leave when i feel like it.. when i need to. to be honest its very uncharacteristic for me, because i think im this settling type. pero sa tingin ko gusto ko lang maging ready para hindi na maulit yung nangyari before when i left my 1st and 2nd job... see, its gonna be just me now. if id lose my job, or chose to quit, the whole family will starve.. sa totoo lang, minsan nakakapagod yung ganitong setup.. but if u come to think of it, sila lang rin naman kasi ang meron ako..kaya all in all, ok lang.
--
katulad parin ng dati, feeling ko ang liit liit parin ng mundo ko..
--
anniv ng account bukas. it would have been a good venue to know my office mates better. they're actually an interesting bunch, u know.. maybe because they are a mixture of people with different upbringing. i wonder how an anniv party goes for a type of work like this..
--
ooooh, i just remember..
showing na ang Catching Fire!!! id be damned if i dont watch it.. kaso.. next next weekend is JLPT. kung gano naman ka petix ang weekdays, ganun kahectic ang weekends.. pambihira.
the dress i bought for mom for the wedding was rejected by the bride. despite the ridiculous price, hindi daw parang pang wedding. so, we need to hunt for one again. im fully booked for the next two weekends. i wish mom will not end up with something so-so, her beauty deserves better than that.
--
8:37pm.. crap. i need to sleep!!
see u at the conference!!
ciao!
{ 本} ms. P
{ 気分} random nonsense
08:47 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
write, until the awkwardness stops.
--
hey, how are things going?
i had a great weekend. feel like i was still having a hangover from all the fun since yesterday. and then, wednesday na tomorrow, my favorite day of the week and another day to look forward to.
know what, the things ive learned in KCON had brought me a brand new motivation to fix my life.. well, maybe, not fix, because fixing is only for the broken. i guess, its a motivation to work hard for a better life..parang ganun.
i want to establish my goals, plan my work . work my plan. create a better life for myself and for those that i care for. i want a life i can be proud of. i life that i can be happy about. same goes for myself. i also want a self i can be proud of. a self i can be happy about. sa tingin ko, kaylangan mo lang talagang magsimula. make that one brave step towards it. towards change..and then, everything will follow.. one step.. kaya ko to.
--
jlpt in a few days. para kong sesentensyahan. the qm talked to me about it kanina. from the way he talked, it seems like he's not really expecting me to pass. my fault, i know. it was i, after all, who had told him not to expect much. pero kahit na, nakakainis parin.
sighs... but, hey, i still have a few days. i want to believe that i still have the power to turn things around. tiwala lang at positive thinking tapos bahala na.. hayyy..bahala na nga talaga.
i decided to attend the feast before the exam. ngayon palang naeexcite na ko.. kung hindi lang ako nakatira sa bundok, every week talaga akong aattend dun..
--
isa sa mga talks sa isang class yung ng mark talaga saken.
kung single ka, tas ang setup mo e pagkagaling sa work, uuwi, manonood ng tv, pupuntang ref, babalik sa tv and so on.. sabi ng speaker mula daw dun sa ref hanggang sa tv, wala daw lalaki dun. dapat daw, go where the blessings flow.
go where the blessings flow.
naalala ko rin yung advise ng isang former opismate, "always look available".
i know that all ideas are absolutely fascinating and absolutely useless until you choose to use it. kaya for a change, gusto ko nang gamitin. let's see how this will go. or let's see how far can i keep myself from backing out.. hehe.. taeness. goodluck to that.
--
oooo! 9:18pm. i ate up my sleep hours again.
goodnight.
09:26 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
first-world problem.
today became an unscheduled cheat day all because i was lost in my own thoughts at lunch and didnt realize that i finished off a large size macha milk tea (a.k.a, carbs and sugar monster). kainez. im suppose to drink just around 1/4 of it. jeez, i am just a few days away from a big day. ok lang naman kung sakaling hindi ako pumayat..basta wag lang akong tumaba.. ayun lang naman.. huhu.. ang arte arte lang..hehe.. bwiset.
anyway, my new prospective partner at work came for the interview kanina. she's around a couple of years less than a decade older that me but doesnt really look like it. she's super slim and sort of pretty. she doesnt smile a lot so she doesnt really look all too friendly. but maybe that's because she's nervous. they are actually considering her for the job and according to the qm, she might start na by next week. i just hope she's nice. i hope we will get along well.
so-now-what?
this should mean freedom on my end. pero ano ba kasi talagang plano ko? ang hirap hirap kumilos pag alam mong in every bad decision na magagawa mo, you'll be dragging other people with you in your doom. siguro i should wait for now. as to what, i do not know. bahala na..
--
yang and i should be spending more time for R A V E now. Christmas is getting nearer. opportunities are bound to be higher during this season. baket ba parang laging wala pa ring time? sighs..
i bought a magazine for making beaded accessories, keychains and stuff. i think the name "beadworks by R A V E" sounds nice. This should hit the market soon. dapat. dapat talaga. goodluck samen.
--
mom and i will be going to the salon on sat. i know i should be studying for the exam on sun, pero dahil sa feeling ko niloloko ko lang ang sarili ko, ititigil ko nalang ang kalokohang ito. i was never much of a quitter. i usually persevere until the end. pero siguro sadyang may time na naooverpower ng katamaran ang mga virtues mo sa buhay.
--
oh, lovelife update:
fb friends n kami ni KCON crush!! eeee!!wahehe..
so, ang next move, dumalaw sa feast makati na para bang napadaan lang.. amp. ang harot. hehe. whatever. parang highschool lang.
naalala ko lang yung cubao joke nya na super benta saken. oh, speaking of cubao, i remember he works in cubao daw. i wonder if we work for the same company. jeez, i should find this out (ew, stalker..haha).
anyway, nothing serious. i just find him funny and smart and, yeah, a little cute. ganun lang. i think im just bored. besides, parang ang dami n rin kasing humahunting sa kanya.
--
9:38
kanina tinatamad lang akong matulog..
ngayon, mukhang hindi na ko matutulog..
oh, hello eyebag.
09:44 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
decided against the salon trip today.
yeah, i may not win against the exam tomorrow but i still want to give it a good fight. gogogo to me..
--
nothing much today. tambay lang sa fb kanina.. kainez, sobrang benta saken to..wahehehe
最後まで、頑張ろう！
{ 気分} have never been better :)
11:40 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
