Entries for April, 2014
got this from facebook.
it made me remember some major decision ive made in my life.
a little more than a year ago, i decided to leave the comfort of my first job that ive been doing for almost 5 years to a company that pays me well.
it was the bravest decision ive ever made... barely more than a year already but it really feels like yesterday since ive handed down my resignation letter to the boss. i was apprehensive but resolute. by then, i knew that the time has come..
the idea looked absolutely stupid then. but now that i look back, i feel proud for that decision and for the courage that went with it.
i dont hate where i am now. i just feel like there must be something more in life than being here. the real problem is that i dont know what that is. i can t plan my next step because i dont know where i wanna go..
i think ive lost the need to prove myself to the world. i dont know if that's a good thing. if only i still possess that need , maybe id feel more motivated..
kung may choice kaya ko.. yung better ones..ano kayang ginagawa ko sa buhay ko ngayon..
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12:37 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
i dont post pictures a lot.
i just happen to find these stuff in my files labeled "for tabulas". i might've thought of posting these pix here but forgot. jeez, im getting old. pero wapakels.
from the looks of it, these pix are taken last year.
1. a shot from one of KCON's seminar. I dont know why of all slides, ive chosen to take a picture of this one. I couldnt even fill in the part that was covered by the stage's post.
2. KCON stuff. ID, pamphets, free stuff, etc.. made me miss the KCON, arg.
3. beadworks magazine. i bought it in the hope of expanding R A V E, but so far, the magazine still sits at the bookshelf barely untouched.
4. books i bought(some i received) last 2013.
these are particularly bought at KCON(except miss P and the one below it). If i had more money, i would've bought more..
ive been accumulating books, i just realized my bookshelf seems to be giving up already. mom made an improvise bookself by placing wood-like something on the wall to support my books. its an open space making my books receptive to dusts and excrement from rodents and other house pest. i dont like it. but i cant buy a bookshelf at the moment.. but whatever, seeing my book makes me proud. i feel like it was i who gave birth to them and im their proud mom. yeah, i know i sound like a geek, so what.
this year, i bought a couple of more books.
1. how to find your one true love by bo sanchez
2. something happened on my way to ever after by RISSA Singson Kawpeng
and partner gave me book1 of series of unfortunate events as a present which was perfect because i happen to have a copy of book 2 which i have read but barely understood some stuff since i skipped the first book.
i wish to buy divergent, uglies, selection and secrets.. maybe after i recover from the expenses of my up coming trip and the upcoming birthdays of everyone in the house (mom, dad and kuya's birthday are all cramped up in the month of june and july).
ive been buying more non-fictions lately.. i think im really getting old. but i still miss a harry potterish, hunger gamish read from time to time..
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there.
nothing much today. i woke up, washed the dishes, ate, prepare merienda for the family. i made tofu sandwich(which tasted good by the way) and tuna sandwich which mom liked--i dont. i guess im gonna do these more often, kitchen experiments, i mean.
bro and the wife will be going back to the house now. which means less work, less dish washing, less preparing of meals, more going out, more money wasting, or more hours of wasting time. whatever.
im gonna go to the feast tom. its been a couple of weeks since i last attended. i need to refresh. after the feast, id be going to meet partner to swim. i wish the time will come that i can convince partner to go with me at the feast. he's practically allergic to religion. i cant really blame him. i just wish he would give the feast a try.
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so much from this. i need to wash the dishes again and read books. i am again in my hermit mode, and really i dont hate it. i sort of like being like this. im just afraid that if i wont go out, i will just grow old and rot.
sighs..
i need to see the world and expand my knowledge. meet people, gain connection, expand my network. i dont know if its my personality or my laziness that's preventing me from doing all these.
05:09 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
got home past 12 last night.
fail night out with qm and wife and partner.
the j-agents from another account injaned us so it was practically just us.
we went to qm's condo. eat some bizzare food(or at least, it seems to me) which was an assortment of squid(?), flakes(pork?), egg(i found some egg shell too 
!!!), cooked lettuce (i LOVE lettuce, but not the cooked one please).. it wasnt that bad.
we went to the swimming pool at his condo's penthouse. talked, climbed up to the helipad.. talked some more.. drank wine.. and off it went.. it wasnt that bad.. really..but then..
sighs..
oh, the wife proposed that on the holy week since they are planning to go to grotto, they might as well drop by to my place. without thinking i said yes..oh, slap my face..arg.
sighhhhhhs..
i dont know what's wrong. the whole family was teasing me to partner. i dont know why im feeling bad about this. there are just things i cant tell them.. true, i just want to protect partner in my own way, but somehow, i think in some way i am also protecting myself.
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an email from an j-engineering company came. i didnt apply to them whatsoever that's why i was surprised that they contacted me..
i wonder if its an escape route that the heavens sent me for my rescue. i dont know.i do not feel competent enough to qualify, but still, id like to give myself a chance. a few minutes ago, i just hit the "send" button.
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i would have written some more but now im off to my brother's friend's funeral.. a lot of people i know have been dying lately..
its just making me like death less and less and less..
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im off now.. goodnight..
{ 気分} craving for the sandwich guy's tofu sandwich
02:07 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
black saturday.
spent the day playing battle realms, eating, and basically fooling around the house. ngayon ko lang nafeel ang holy week.
yesterday,i got home with mom having a "walking dead" marathon, claming the space of our living room, so i wasnt able to workout yesterday. i worked out doubled hours today and ate double the normal portion afterwards thus nullifying the effects. but i dont care. i just want to make the most of my one day worth holy day.
grand easter feast tomorrow. we will be going to moa to attend. i hope we'll get to get decent seats. i wonder if the 20K people who attended at the conference will attend to this one too..sana magising ako ng maaga.. pak..anlayo pa man din ng moa..
i actually have no idea what happens in grand feast. i wonder how different this is to a normal feast. tomorrow, im gonna find out.
been eating my hearts out for the past few days. ulcer's my unwanted guest as of the moment and right now i cant think of a better way to fight it other than eating. the gym's closed since thurs so i wasnt able to have my usual daily swim. cant wait to swim by mon. arrrg..i better not think about how id look in my swim suit for now..keri na yan..wapakels..sighs..
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i asked for a sign yesterday.. im not actually a fan of signs since i never really get them anyway.. and those really few times that i did, i most of the time ended up changing my mind about it and completely ignoring the sign..
but yesterday, i knew i needed to ask for one.
i asked and expected to not recieve. and that's exactly what i got.
i think i just need something tangible. something that has weight in it. something that i can hang on to so that i can proceed in acting out my resolve..
the resolve to move on with my life and forget about you..
its been months.. i was fed with facts and yet its been taking me months to digest the whole thing. i may not look devastated from the outside, ,ive been in denial about this for some time and still.. i know im far from being ok.
ayoko na, men..
as i grow older i feel like im starting to see love as how i see business opportunities.. kung sa tingin mo palugi, wag kang mag iinvest.
basta.
last na to. sisiguraduhin kong yung susunod na pag singhap ko, hindi na dahil sayo..
10:03 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
while scouting for a souvenir to bring home for tita, i saw this wood carving at a stand that looks like a man with his body hidden inside a barrel.
the guy in the shop told me that the carving is called "the barrel man". he then removed the barrel that was covering the man's body, revealing the man's springy putoots..i was so shocked. before i could hold myself up, it was too late-- i shrieked. arg.
salbahe si kuya. i knew it. i knew there was something anomalous about that carving. i was just asking for the price and the shop's kuya seem to be more interested,excited even, to tell me the carving's details.
whatever. i was just a little embarrased. i mean, see, im not really young-young whatever. things like this shouldnt be shocking me out. i must've looked so neneng. the kuya must've been laughing at me inwardly. kainezz..arg.
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just got home from a 3 days 2 nights worth of trip.
injan and i went to baguio. just like what happened in my last year's bora trip, umulan din.wala naman akong balat sa pwet , hindi ko talaga maintindihan kung baket lagi nalang umuulan pag nag a-out if town ako. whatever.
all in all, though it swept out most of my wallet's content, it was fun naman.
i dont know how in the world the money left in my wallet would suffice for my expenses till the next payday. =(
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i skipped my panata wednesday and feast sunday this week. feeling ko na lo-lost na naman ako.
the few days ive spent running away from the world had been fun. naging mefenamic acid ko sya in a way--a good temporary relief..
but really, it didnt cure anything.. it didnt make me forget.. it didnt fix me in anyway whatsoever.
i think im doing this the wrong way. sabi nila insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result.
where to go.
what to do.
ano na, now what.
feeling ko hindi ako umuusad sa buhay.
i sought for change. with so much courage, i chose it. earned it.
SO.NOW.WHAT.
ano na?what's next to this? what to do next?
it sucks how people were not born without an instruction manual in life. ang hirap mag isip. ang hirap mag decide.
kahet sa kung ano bang gusto ko hindi ko pa mapag desisyonan.
6 hours bus ride gave me the time to contemplate. i wasnt able to formulate a plan.. but i am determined to make a move.
april's about to end and i am just a couple of months away from my deadline. i need to make a decision after this. or kahet backup plan lang. naguguluhan parin ako.
ayoko na mag-isip. nag-iisip lang ako most of my life and it didnt work.
i need to act. jump. jump off the cliff. bahala na.
wahh! bahala na talaga.
hindi naman talaga ako takot mag fail. siguro tamad lang ako. or siguro, takot lang ako to go through hardship to get what i want. get it and then realize na hindi naman pala talaga yun yung gusto ko..
minsan kasi nag da-doubt na rin ako kung meron pa ba talagang makakapagpasaya saken..
hindi ko na talaga alam.. bahala na.
07:11 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
japanese holiday again, so no work today.
im kind of busy now preparing articles for R A V E's blog. I'm long overdued. promised yang to write 2 articles as a punishment for not making it to the deadline. I'm done with the first, now, one more to go.
R A V E's practically stagnant at the moment. i dont know how we transformed into a blog from a fashion accessories online shop. sighs, kahet biz namin may identity crisis. i guess this is just our way to hone our marketing skills. we dont really write things to market our products, which is really weird. i dont know.
whatever.
sa totoo lang mahiyain akong tao..pero talo talo na to..
oh, please have a heart and follow our blog..
http://ravenbrave.wordpress.com/
or like us in facebook..
https://www.facebook.com/RaveFashionAccessories
super thanks ^^
04:26 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
