Entries for February, 2024
I emptied my work desk and locker yesterday, and brought ng work laptop home. Once the month is over, I'll be free from this company.
Kahapon technically ang last day ko sa office. May onting lungkot, at wala rin yung feeling-the-wind-breeze-on-your-face-for-the-first-time feeling. Siguro dahil papasok parin naman ako, though wfh. I'm also starting to worry about the future. Pumapasok din sa isip ko na baka mas wise na i-retract ko nalang to since I need stable income. I mean, who doesn't.
Pero kasi, twing nabi bwisit ako sa trabaho, or nahihirapan, my only consolation is knowing na matatapos din to soon.
Haaaayst. Ano bang next?
Mom, Dad, and I are planning to go to Quiapo this weekend. I could use some Divine intervention and guidance sa kung anong gagawin ko sa buhay ko. Ayoko na kasing maging empleyado. I need to find a way to earn a lot of money to sustain the lifestyle we have gotten used to for the last 4 years.
Gusto ko ulet mag abroad. Gusto ko magtravel. Gusto ko kumain sa magagandang restaurant, at bumili ng magagandang damit. I want to be able to give my parents a good life. I want to be able to give good presents to my niece and nephew. I want to give my family and myself the best life possible.
Kailangan ko kumita ng maraming pera.
Haaaah.
Universe, I need your help.
10:39 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
We were at a mall in QC when Dad noticed the mall decorations overflowing with red. I told him, "baka kasi Chinese New Year". To which he responded, "hindi, dahil sa Valentines yan."
Valentines na nga pala. Akala ko ang pagiging wfh ang dahilan kung bakit walang ganap ang lovelife ko, but 2 years after return to office, I realized, it was never really the case. Oh well.
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Nagpunta ako sa Quiapo with Mom and Dad. We ate something fancy before going there. Bakit kaya iba ang pakiramdam. Naisip ko lang na iba ang confidence ng alam mong marami kang pera.
Last Saturday, kahit sa sosyal kami kumain, wala yung usual na... angas ba ang tawag dun? Idk.
I like that part of myself. Yung maangas at confident sa mga bagay na kaya kong gawin. Akala ko dati natural ang confidence ko, pero lately, narealize ko na nakadikit pala yun sa idea na meron akong magandang trabaho.
Sa totoo lang, ayoko ng ganitong feeling.
Sinabi ko kay Mama na mas konti ang work lately. Nagdagdag kasi sila ng tao dahil na rin siguro sa andami naming reklamo. Sabi ni Mama, "oh okay na pala, wag ka na magresign. Di ka naman na pagod."
Alam mo bang natulog ako kagabi at gumising ngayong umagao dreading going back to work, kahit na work from home na ko? Nandun yung resign-na-resign-na-ako feeling, even though I have submitted my resignation already.
Ang gulo no? I love the version of myself na confident dahil marami syang pera, pero ayoko paring mag stay sa lugar na nagbibigay sakin ng confidence na yun.
Gusto kong maniwalang makakayanan ko parin to kahit hindi na ko empleyado. Na magkakaron parin ako ng maganda at masaganang buhay outside corporate world.
Matalino parin naman ako. Talented parin naman ako. At hindi naman nabura ang skills at achievements ko kasabay ng pag resign ko, kaya, kaya ko to.
Haaayst.
Payakap nga, Universe.
Tapos, pahingi ng passive income na 1 million pesos monthly.
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Nanaginip yung tatay ko na mag-aasawa na daw ako.
Mas matangkad daw sa kanya. Medjo macho daw at kulot ang buhok. Lol.
I few days back, naglalaro ako ng game sa Netflix na Too Hot To Handle. Kulot yung nakatuluyan kong character. I wonder if Dad saw that. Although dun sa game, lalaki yung character ko, then lalaki rin love interest ko, para BL. Hahaha.
Tokwa, sa totoo lang, masama ata talaga sa lovelife ko ang BL hobby kong ito. Gah.
04:01 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Weekend shift.
Ilang linggo nalang at aalis na ko sa kompanya, napa weekend shift pa ko. Okay lang naman, super chill. Nakakakaba lang na pag may hindi ako alam wala akong matanungan.
I don't feel emotionally well these days. Baka PMS, or siguro nagsisimula na rin mag sink in na soon e wala na kong trabaho. Kaya ko bang pangatawanang hindi na ko mag empleyado from here on?
Hindi ko alam. Ang alam ko lang, gusto ko nang maging malaya.
Haaa. Alam ko. Hindi naman nagbago yung fact na kailangan ko nang pera para mabuhay. Haaaaay.
Kaya ko ba to?
Haaaa. Kaya ko to.
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Nabitin ako sa available episodes ng Solo Leveling sa Netflix kaya binasa ko yung manhwa. Took me 2 days to finish all 200 chapters. Kaya siguro eto, feeling lost and empty ako dahil katatapos ko lang basahin ang comics na may exceptional na kwento. Healthy kaya yung ganito? The source of this sense of loss is not even real. Lol.
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Haaaa. I don't like this feeling.
02:31 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Nine days to go and I'm free.
The work load has been considerably lighter than usual, pero resign na resign pa rin ako.
I'm grateful for this job. It allowed me to bring my parents to nice restaurants, and even travel with them abroad. Sa totoo lang, hindi ko alam kung anong mangyari sakin pag nawala na sakin ang trabahong to.
Nag fill out na ko ng exit interview.
Sa 29th, ibabalik ko na sa office yung laptop.
30-60 days daw bago makuha yung last pay. Saka ko na iisipin if kasya ba yung pera na meron ako.
May parte parin sakin na excited at the thought of becoming free, and the endless possibilities. Pero syempre, hindi siguro talaga maiiwasan na mag-alala.
I'm still the same as I was when I first left my previous company.
Gusto ko parin mabigyan ng magandang buhay family ko.
I want to bring Mom and Dad to nice restaurants and travel with them abroad.
Gusto ko paring yumaman at mabigyan ng luxurious life ang parents ko, at ang sarili ko.
Kaya ko to.
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Nasa Dubai sa Tita, Mom's younger sister. She'll be staying there for 2 months. Alam kong gusto rin ng nanay kong pumunta. Sakali mang hindi ako mag resign, alam kong hindi ko masasamahan si Tita dun bilang limited ang leaves ko. Pero kung makakapag produce ako ng pera bago sya umuwi by enf of March, I'll be able to go there with Mom and Dad.
Gusto ko ng pera para makapag Dubai kami kakit 2 weeks lang. Universe pahingi ng 500,000 pesos (kasya na ba to?).
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Gusto kong magkaron ng sarili kong kabayo. Sparkly black ang color. Gusto kong sumali sa race at manalo.
Ayoko sa probinsya. Gusto ko sa mga modern at historical city. Next na country na gusto kong puntahan ay China.
Gusto kong mag aral ng Chinese. Pero gusto ko munang at least maging N2 sa Japanese.
Namimiss ko na ang Japan. Pag hindi na issue ang pera, gusto ko magpunta dun at least 3 times a year.
Wala na akong balak naging employee ulet. How can I meet new people then?
I wonder if I should go back to TM. Or maybe study law. Or maybe teach JP language. Or meet people while traveling.
Ano bang maganda?
Gusto kong maging mayaman, masaya, at malaya.
01:23 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
5 working days left. The manager sent me a message asking if I can extend another 15 days, wfh. I told him I need to move on and plan my next step, so I have to decline.
I have knowledge transfer in less than an hour. A meeting right after that, then another meeting with the HR tomorrow.
It has started to sink in, and I feel like panicking. Ano nang gagawin ko pag wala na kong trabaho???
Hindi ko alam. Ayoko pa rin i-retract yung resignation ko, or kahit mag extend. 40 k lang ang pera ko, at 60 days pa daw after kong ma kompleto yung exit clearance ko bago ko makuha yung final pay. With my final pay, I can scrape by for another 3 months maybe without working. Kaso kailangang kong pagkasyahin yung 40k for over 60 days. I give 20k monthly to my Mom, the cat-related expenses are around 10k. Syempre hindi kasya. Hahaha.
Bahala na.
Kaya ko to.
02:04 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Had a meeting with the HR last night. She's quite a bitch. Pero okay lang.
In 3 working days, tapos na ang lahat ng ito. I don't know why, but my mind seems convinced na hindi ako maghihirap. Lol.
I feel generally at peace. Though from time to time, dumadalaw yung fear at anxiety para sa future. Sinubukan akong kumbinsihin ng HR to stay, though sobrang nakakapikon yung mga sinasabi nya, but I don't think it could've made any difference sakali mang mas maayos nyang sinabi.
Ang daming sinasabi ng mga tao sa paligid. Parang ganito rin nung nag decide akong huminto sa pagiging Engineer. Alam ko may point sila, and I don't hate them. They're entitled to their own thoughts and opinions. I don't really mind that much even if they run their mouths. They're not entirely wrong.
But I want to take charge of my life. At the end of the day, I have my best interest in mind. And I want to believe that this time too, magagawa kong gawing even better ang buhay ko sa kabila ng difficult and unpopular decisions na ginagawa ko.
Maybe this time, I can say na "kaya ko to" and actually mean it.
Walang nakakaalam sa future, but I'm going to do my best.
Since I'm feeling kinda lonely, parang gusto kong mag focus in expanding my network. But just stepping outside the house requires money. Ugh. Bahala na. I'll find a way.
Gusto ko by March, marami na ulet akong pera, so we can go to Dubai and travel with Tita. Gusto ko to drop by in Japan first, kasi magko close na daw ata yung Gundam factory sa Yokohama. Gusto ko sana makapunta muna dun. Though meron pa rin naman Gundam sa Odaiba. I should've gone there kung di lang sana ako nagkanda ligaw ligaw sa Kamakura nung nag Japan ako May last year. Haaaa, I miss Japan so bad.
Ang weird, you know. My love for Japan had always felt like an unrequited love. I always ache and long for it, but even when I'm there, it always feel so far a way. The longing goes on, and it never gets satisfied. Ang weird no? Baka kaka anime at manga ko to.
Sana maging mabait ang 2024 sa akin.
Sana maging mabait ang 2024 sa ating lahat.
11:59 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
