Entries for November, 2018
7:50am, breakfast at the cage. I haven't slept much last night and my eyes sear. Kelan nga ang weekend?
Yesterday, someone asked me, "naramdaman mo na ba yung masakit yung puso mo na nagta tighten talaga yung dibdib?" The question was that of a health concern, but all I can think about was the tightness I've been feeling for the past 4 months. Is 4 months enough?
I haven't been crying that much, you know. I did cry... only a few times. But my heart has been so heavy all this time that sometimes it surprises me that I'm even standing.
A few days back, someone told me, "shucks ang sakit non!" Thinking I was hurt/offended from a supposedly offensive comment. I just smiled and proceeded with the convo like nothing happened. Because really, I didn't feel anything.
I've been going through probably one of my most painful times that if someone wishes to hurt me, he got to do a way better job than that.
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Ang daming ganap ng November. I have a customer who has been setting out to meet me for the last 3 weeks, but the weekends had been so overbooked, hindi ko sya masipot. Kung kelan kailangan ko ng pera.
There's the transfer. There's KCON and now, there's the SME thingy that was supposed to happen in October. Tentative date is on 21st. Weekday. It will probably be harder to take a leave by then since I'm not sure if Partner will still be here by then. Will I still be here by then? Ewan ko. Bahala na. This is my hope for a better future. There's no way I'd miss this. Takte. Lord, help me.
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Dad operation on 17th. Minor lang naman daw, but my praning self can't help but think of the worst, I started having bad dreams. Sana maging maayos ang lahat.
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After this month, I think December wouldn't be so hectic. Gusto ko ng full body massage.
08:25 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Friday came and my mind is Monday busy. I saw a vid in fb where a mother bear and a baby bear were climbing up a snowy mountain. The mother bear already reached the top, but the baby bear kept falling and falling, I thought he won't be able to make it. But after climbing and sliding back down so many times, the baby bear eventually managed to reach the top. The caption says something like "never give up," but I think there's more to it than that.
The mountain was stiff and there was cliff below. I don't think the baby bear kept climbing up because of a never-give-up attitude. He just didn't have much choice.
You know what, I just found a mountain. May the Universe bless me.
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A lot of things happening. I need to squeeze a meetup with the customer tomorrow kasi nakakahiya na. Still, I'm kinda happy because I know that busy is good.
Got the instructions from the owner of the place I'd be staying in for 5 days, 2 weeks from now. I'm glad that we don't have to meet, but I still hope things go on smoothly by then.
Bff scheduled meeting up with my parents on the 14th since they'll be ninong and ninang in her wedding. She wants me to be there by then so it's gotta be dinner time. Said she'll be bringing my dress. I told her to buy 1 size smaller than my size. I didn't lose a single pound. What was I thinking?
Things will change in just a little more than a week from now. More changes are coming by 2019. Things are changing except me. Or am I not?
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I need this mountain. Go, Baby Bear.
12:16 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
I was all fine, you know.
I shouldn't have asked.
...
I just miss talking to you, g*go.
01:08 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
I found this on the timeline of an fb friend who is a cancer survivor. I love it so much, I'm making this a sticky post.
"We have the right to our joy -- sick or healthy; with children or no children; with partner or no partner. Seek it! Find it! And have a joyful life no matter how much you make or don't make."
May we all find joy in every day of our lives. Goodnight.
10:34 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
I was feeling sad in most part of the day yesterday. In a way, I'm upset that I'm still here while Partner will be moving on with his life na.
But then I came home. Found my niece playfully hiding just to 'scare' me. Then there's Mom who picked me up from the bus stop. The neighborhood's dogs, Pogi and Panget were there as a part of my welcoming committee. Ido was there too, and in these simple things, I know I'm beyond blessed.
The cage will give me money for the transfer.
Tita N was there to help me find a place to stay.
Brother will join so I think it wouldn't be so lonely.
Maybe I can finish the Simbang Gabi this year. My favorite chapel will just be a few minutes walk. Really, what's with all the drama?
Later tonight a wonderful human being who happens to be my best friend will visit our house together with the man she loves. By March, together with my entire family, I will witness their beautiful wedding. We'll be staying 3 days and 2 nights at the resort. For free. All of us. I'm so excited to swim and enjoy the place with my niece and everyone else.
Next week will be KCOn and I'll be staying in unit near the venue. Tiny, yes, but I have the place all for myself and that's a total upgrade compared to the hostel I stayed in last year.
I feel like the Universe is spoiling me.
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Gusto ko ng moon cactus, lithops, split rocks at astrophytum. Mejo mahal, but I think I've grown my skills in taking care of plants, hindi naman siguro masasayang ang salapi kung bibili ako ng mamahalin. But I'll be staying somewhere else soon. Hindi ko rin nga pala sila maalagaan.
Sira sira na ang mga sapatos ko and I could use buying new pairs of pants (kasi masisikip na lahat), pero mas gusto ko talagang bumili nalang ng cactus.
Claiming it. Ikayayaman ko to
08:34 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Maybe it's not about being able to look and not feel hurt whatsoever. Maybe it's about not feeling the need to look at all.
I just wish that when the "day" comes, he will have the decency to not invite me.
This entry would've gone a totally different course if I didn't look. Oh well...
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A lot of things going on. Things are fast pacing recently, I find the rapid shift in emotion quite draining.
Dad was at the hospital last Fri. The operation was scheduled Sat. Though our house is a stone throw away from there, the doctors required for him to stay there before the operation. Mom asked me to sleep in their room because she's not used to sleeping alone. That was my first good sleep in a long while now.
Saturday came and everyone was busy since we were selling food at the store. Bro and I were supposed to take turns and looking after Dad at the hospital.
I thought that I got over my fear of blood since I've been to accidents that involved blood before. Dad's operation proved me wrong.
I was sitting next to Dad's bed then. He was sleeping and there were tubes attached to his hand. Half of his body is covered with blanket, parts of which, covered blood. Brother hid the bloodied portion so as not to scare me, but Dad kept moving and moving, the blood started to show off, it made my stomach squirm.
Mom told me that if I start getting scared, I should just distract myseft with my phone so that I won't feel so scared anymore. But with us in the room were patients and their companions and some of them kept talking to me. Don't get me wrong, I appreciated that they were nice, helpful and all... but-
When Dad started moving his legs, a man who was in the room with us told Dad shouldn't turn to his side just yet because it could make his wound bleed. This got me all panicky because how can I stop Dad from moving when he's asleep?
Then Dad moved his hands and the man said, "naku, wag mo pagalaw kamay nya baka mahatak ang swero at dumugo." So I was like, "jusko, jusko, jusko". I was so at lost on what to do. I was already weak from seeing the blood peeking behind Dad's legs and the thought of having him bleed some more was making me feel like I'm going to pass out.
It didn't help that a stretcher came afterwards with a woman's form. The woman had bandage in her neck. She was lying on her back looking so much like she's dead. I immediately looked on my phone to seek distraction. But on my peripheral vision, I saw that her feet were looking blue like the corpses I see in movies. It got me so scared a tear escaped and felt warm liquid ran through my face. I was about to leave the room to calm myself down, but one of doctors came to check Dad and told me that I need to wake him up to make him breathe because his oxygen is running low.
The panic I felt escalated. I was scared that if I wake up Dad, he will move and bleed. My knees were already shaking then so I decided to call my brother for help.
He probably woke up early that day. He cleaned the house, washed the dishes, carried things, watched and took care of Dad echetera, echetera. So when I called my brother to make Dad breathe, he got angry at me and told me to do it myself. He was probably tired. He was yet to eat then and had a mountain of dishes to wash. I understood the whole situation. I just can't go back there. The blood, the dead-looking lady... i don't know... I was also scared that Dad will die if we will not make him breathe right away. So I turned to my mom, who's equally scared of blood and I started crying. Mom got angry too, but then she got up and went to the hospital. I'm so sorry.
But I'm glad that all was well in the end. Mom told the story of me running home in tears and how I thought that the lady in stretcher is dying. It gave the people in the hospital a good laugh. Nakakahiya lang because when the husband of that lady came to our store to eat, he came up to me with a little laugh and assured me that his wife is not dying and that she's already well now. He even told me, "Ok na sya, pwede ka na bumalik. Hindi na sya nakakatakot." I wonder if the wife got offended. Sobrang nakakahiya talaga.
Sunday and Dad was back home. He wasn't supposed to eat solid food yet, but he was so matigas ang ulo he gave me headache. Brother, wife and kid went out for a family bonding then so it was just Dad, Mom and me during. Mom left the table for only a while and Dad started eating kanin! If I wasn't so scared about him bleeding, kukurutin ko talaga yung tatay kong 'yon sa singit.
But things look good now.
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Monday was my first day at the new office. Today, I'm wrapping up my work week and tomorrow and next 4 days, I'll be staying in a unit around Manila. Ano kayang gagawin ko pag nakasalubong ko yung taong yun dun? Is he still working around that area?
12:12 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Shuckscrushiewillbehavinglunchwithmewithatmfriendomg.
Kalma, heart, kalma.
11:16 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Sabi nila, ginagamit daw nung Diyos yung mga hindi equipped para i-manifest through them ang kapangyarihan Nya bilang Diyos. Na kaya Nya gumawa ng milagro.
Kung sisilipin ang bible, nagawa Nyang posibleng mabuntis ang baog, birhen at senior citizen. Nahati Nya ang dagat, nakalakad sa tubig at nakapagpabuhay ng patay and so on. Mukha namang hobby talaga nyang gumawa ng milagro....
Kaya naman, takte, pag nagkatuluyan kami ng crush ko. Ay, sigurado na ko. May Diyos.
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Iba ang galawan ng langit nitong mga nakaraang araw. Nakakatawa na nakakatuwa. Lunch with crushie. Kikiligin sana ko ng malaman kong sinabi nya na "isama mo si Zah," but I know it's not 'that'. Tas same class kami after lunch so it was just us. Nice sya. Tamang gentleman lang. 0% flirty so malamang di nya ko type. Iniisip ko kung anong gagawin ng flirting expert girl-friends ko at times like these. Hindi ko kasi alam kung anong tamang atake e. Lalo na't ang unang reaksyon ng taong yun twing nagkikita kami e tumingin sa sahig. Lol. Ah basta.
Dear God na mahilig sa milagro,
Pwede bang idamay mo na ang love life ko?
11:40 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Malabo, malabo, malabo talaga. O sya, wag na nga lang.
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Man, I can't believe this. Last day of kcon na tomorrow. Tas back to real world na. I'm not really sad. I miss my niece, Mom, my plants, my room, and so on. Tsaka... gusto ko na rin simulang ayusin ang buhay ko.
I'm glad I came. I'll just miss the songs and the lights.
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One of my classes was about raising selfless children in a self-entitled world. I took it basically for my niece because I'm afraid she'd grow to be maldita since she's a little too well-loved and spoiled. While listening to the talk, it turned out that my brother and sis-in-law seem to be doing quite a good job.
I want to also apply the things I learn to my future kids. Sabi nila binibigay daw satin ng Universe ang mga bagay na gusto natin kapag totoong handa na tayo. See, I don't dream to become a mother. I dream to build my own family. Sa totoo lang, hindi ko alam kung paano magkakatotoo yun. I know my limitations. I know my handicap. Something I don't know how to overcome. But the Heavens had shown me miracles before. I can't see why He wouldn't do that again this time or in the near future.
Dean Pax showed us a video about a butterfly who was never able to fly for the rest of it's butterfly life. Because a man, out of his kindness, tried to help the butterfly get out of its cocoon by cutting it. The man thought that the butterfly needed help because it took the butterfly so long to finally get out of the cocoon and it seemed to be having a hard time to get out. It turned out that to be able to fly, the butterfly needed to go through all those slow and painful process.
My journey as a caterpillar has been long and excruciating. I don't even know if I'm already at my cocoon stage. But if the Heavens is indeed preparing me for this, then maybe when that day comes, I will be an amazing mother and an amazing wife.
11:53 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
I made this chart showing my age and the ages of my parents from today up to 25 years from now in increments of 5 years.
They say that the most successful people look far into the future. I realized that I can't do that so much because I'm afraid that the people I love will no longer be there. I know, maybe I'll die first before my parents do. I just wish we can all live long and happy and die ready.
I want to give myself 5 years to earn the money that could make me bring my parents in different parts of the world they (we) are yet to see. They say numbers don't lie, so I did a little computation. I learned that I need to save P50,000 per month to have 3 million in 5 years. Lol. Right now, even if I combine all the income in our household minus the expenses, it just can't amount to that. But I think somehow it helps to know how much I'm actually aiming at.
Everyday, I ask the Heavens, "I want to earn 100,000 pesos per month". And also, "gusto ko maging b@yfr!3nd ko si ***** ***". Lol, walang kadala dala. But God said it Himself, "ask".
I just finished reading a Bo Sanchez book about the success principles on money and stuff. I don't really plan to just pray, you know. I will also do my part. Paano kaya ako kikita ng 100,000 pesos per month? Siguro sa ibang tao, barya lang to. In a way, masaya naman ako sa pera na meron ako at the moment. I just want to give my parents more.
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So silent at the love life department. Ok na rin. After KCON, na realize ko na wala talaga akong social life. Weekends are still booked. I don't even know if I can attend Elite's Christmas Party. I already told LA, I will. Bahala na. I'll be packing my things then since I'll be transferring to my new residence. I'm not really looking forward to this.
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Mom and I will meet Tita on Saturday. Money matters. I promised the lunch is on me. I'm planning to bring them somewhere nice. I wish I can also bring Dad, but I'm scared that his wound would bleed open from the 6-hrs travel.
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Christmas soon. As I grow older, I'm finding myself less and less excited about this. When I was in college, I remember most of our Christmas weren't so good. All of us were stressed with our own life's issues, we were always angry and fighting. It made me remember someone who made all those times bearable. But I'm ready to close that chapter now. Even so, I'd still want to remain thankful and sincerely wish for that person's happiness.
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Last KCON, I took the Inner Healing Workshop which ate up all 3 classes that day. I was skeptical, but I can now feel how much it helped me. I remember asking the Heavens to make me believe. And there He was, at the workshop in flesh through the Host. Why else would a priest bring the Host when he was not going to give a mass? Nakakatawa lang. I told God, "grabe pumunta Ka pa talaga ha." The lights were out then and there were candles. Siguro guni-guni ko lang, but I think, I felt God's love then.
We were asked to write our hurts on a heart-shaped paper and offered it before the altar. It was then that I felt like something heavy was lifted off me.
Some wounds don't heal overnight, but maybe this is a start.
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1 week left and the month's over. 1 more month and it's 2019. I want to end this year with a bang and emerge victoriously.
01:38 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
It's Friday and I'm sick I had to cancel a supposed meeting tomorrow. In a way, I think I'm relieved. I just want some silence and rest and... I don't know. I really want to go out and buy new plants, but that will totally miss the point.
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I often beg the Heavens to get me out of here. But if it weren't for this job, how else can I support my family and my lifestyle?
A week from now I'll start living in someone else's house. At least during weekdays. I don't talk much at the office. I'm okay about that. But at least I have my family to converse with before I end the day, and just thinking how I'll spend the days without them is already driving me crazy.
I think I'll use this opportunity to further expand my world. I've searched for a Feast near the area and found one that is just 8 minutes walk from the building. Maybe I can start joining a ministry and serve just so I can meet new people.
J-foundation is also just a few stations away. I think I can go visit at least once a month.
Introverted as I am, I'm totally fine being alone. But right now, I think I'm starting to feel a little lonely.
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Damang dama ko na ang pasko, ang lungkot na kasi. I'm sorry, Jesus.
08:59 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
