Entries for December, 2018
I remember he was the one who introduced me to pritong palaka. I bet I wouldn't ever know the taste if it wasn't for him. I also learned from him that a small galunggong is also called "jiji". I was never a fan of fish since I was small, but I liked the jiji that we ate in their house. I even told my mother to cook jiji but it just didn't taste the same.
I also remember how he often stormed the house to pick a fight with my dad, his younger brother. I remember he once broke our window while causing raucous. I remember becoming big enough and brave (others might say stupid) enough to get out of the house to fight him back and tell him to stop pestering Dad. I remember the shouting. He brought his gun some time... but never once pointed it to me. I remember lola's tears. I remember shouting at tita for telling me to stop. I remember crying and saying sorry for talking back. I remember being angry, so angry.
But I also remember asking Dad to forgive him. I remember how I started to realize that he was just a child in a man's body, how he never learned how to express his love properly. I thought then that he's stupid, but also pitiful. I also remember thinking that maybe he's not really a bad person afterall.
I remember how one of his grandchildren died. Just an infant then. I remember how Dad went to his house to attend the funeral of the child and the warmth I felt in my heart when he and Dad finally reconciled.
He was the toughest man in the family. Also the most industrious. I don't remember him going to the gym, but even at an old age, he had abs to prove his daily physical labor. I remember him helping us collect the garbage. I remember him being our go-to person when there were threats of burglary in the neighborhood. He was the man-est a man can be. He was Tito Peping.
He left us today. He's the first to go among Dad's many siblings. I was saying my condolences to my orphaned cousins, but I don't know. I don't think there will be any word that could soothe a grieving child's heart. If it had been Dad... oh God... I don't know.
Rest in peace, Tito. Salamat sa lahat ng tulong mo. Sa paghatid mo sakin papasok sa trabaho when Mom and Dad were in the province. Our memories were not all bliss, but I'm glad, we were able to work things out. Between you and me, between you and Dad.
I pray that my cousins will find the peace and comfort they need at a time like this. I don't know what to give. Heavens, please...
04:14 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Nails painted red. Bouncy dark brown hair. Red lipstick. Signature necklace. Uncaring stance. Beautiful voice that serenades the Earth.
Ganda ni Vanya, I feel like wanting to paint my nails red too. Sadly, I can't pull off red lipstick. Kung naging maganda rin siguro ang boses ko, I would be up on the stage singing at the Feast.
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Was reading a Bo Sanchez book a little while now. What stresses me so much is whenever Bo says something about passion and knowing one's self. I realized that the times that I felt most alive, I was answering math problems. How can I even earn from that? R does though. But I wasn't collecting 1's during college. The highest I got was 1.75. Probablity and Statistics. I sure am feeling the need to defend myself on how I think I'm capable of getting 1's, but really, what's the point?
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I've long been wanting to cut my hair. I'm just waiting for bff's wedding to come to pass. I might end up missing this long hair though. I want to have it bleached. Color it crazy with my fingers crossed hoping this wouldn't add to the biggest regrets of my life.
Bagay kaya sakin ang platinum balayage?
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At Tito's wake earlier. I saw my cousins and their hugs were tight. I was glad to see them, it's just sad that it has to be at a time like this. This might be a sad occasion yet we managed to have some good laughs.
Know what, I really love the concept of family.
07:57 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
It's Monday and there are blisters on my wrist and my neck and forehead are itchy. Hindi naman ako mareklamong tao, hindi ko lang talaga maintindihan why the cage is using dishwashing liquid in place of a hand soap. Naghihirap na ba ng kompanya? My shoulders and back is starting to get itchy also. I think I need to bring my own soap tomorrow. Damn allergies.
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I just got a text from Mom telling me to go straight to Tito's wake. We were just there yesterday. Gutom na ko at maaga pa alis ko bukas. Huhu.
06:31 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Tomorrow they will bury Tito Peping. Inside my head, how he looks like, how his voice sounds are still so clear it's hard to believe he's dead now. At times when Dad was not around, he made me feel safe. When Dad was not so well, he was our protector. The protector of the entire compound even. I wonder how it would be like now that he's not around. I hope that the Heavens will give him mercy.
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We just finished elementary then when my cousins left the compound and ran away from home. It left me wondering if I'll ever see them again, and I did.
But now that their father's gone, I wonder if they'll ever go back to the compound again.
Mom told me not to, but I've decided to take a leave and see Tito's burial tomorrow. He had done so much. I just want to say my final thank you... and sorry. I know many times I wasn't at all a very good niece. I also want to spend some more time with my cousins.
Sana ang puso naming lahat ay maging ok.
11:34 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
There were a lot of things going on, I didn't have much time to think of anything else. And so when everything subsided, I once again looked. And there it was—a ring.
I'm still trying to process how I feel about it. Do I have to feel something about it? It's just that, sometimes I still wonder if he ever remember anything... anything thing at all... about me... I don't know.
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I will be staying at a house near work by next week. I haven't prepared anything yet. Heck, I haven't even packed. I just confirmed my attendance to our yearend party tomorrow, and I said I'll be attending the meeting tonight. Okay naman. After nito, huhupa na ang lahat ng gulo at hindi ko na alam kung anong gagawin ko sa napakarami kong time.
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At Tito's wake a few days back, my wealthiest Tita was there. I was once again lectured on how people from the same industry that I graduated from are earning so much more than I do and how it's "sayang" that I'm not using my education. I wasn't offended whatsoever. I just wanted to show her I can't be intimidated, so I said, "kahit di ko pa gawin yan, kahit ibaliktad nyo pa ko, matalino parin naman ako," I know they can never contest to that. But in the end of the day, I know that's all just a pathetic excuse.
Alam ko rin may point si Tita. I know she meant well. At kahit mejo magaspang ang ugali nya, I know her heart is in the right place. She once told me why she had done and has been doing everything in her power to earn a lot of money. Her reasons are noble. Ayoko lang na may nagsasabi sakin ng kung anong dapat na ginagawa ko sa buhay ko. And I think she can't really blame me. I'm just like her.
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Gusto ko sanang sabihin ang hirap maging masaya pag adult ka na, but I think that's not entirely true. Kung tutuusin, a lot of things are making me happy lately. There is this someone who's making me happy lately. Pero, takte, same old fu*cking situation.
Maybe we all just get what we settled for.
01:13 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
I've been thinking about this word for some time now. I remember I once saw a post about two people with blue colored skin, looking for someone who has the same skin color. They met and all but were never able to recognize that each was what the other had been looking for, because both were wearing a mask.
I think it's bad when people pretend to care when they actually don't, but I think it's worse when they pretend that they don't when they actually do.
If I'll be my authentic self, I'll be hugging every single person I appreciate. That is probably going to be creepy. Lol.
I have so much to thank God today.
07:03 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
It's a Monday and I'm feeling blue.
A couple of nights back I spent having a crying fit because I miss my dog who has been dead for 2 years now. The following day, I watched Alpha. Then I came across a post in FB about the moment before an owner euthanize her dog. Ang sakit ng puso ko.
This morning, I was watching 'a star is born' starring Lady Gaga. Bilang wala akong pasensya, I read the ending in wikipedia. It doesn't look good. I'd probably find another movie to watch after lunch.
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I spent my lunch time in Booksale and I've found the book "uglies" for a steal. I resorted to look for the other books from the same series, gusto ko na itaob ung booksale, hindi ko parin nakita. Kung ako ang masusunod, hindi na ako aalis dito sa Happy Lemon at magbabasa nalang ako ng libro.
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I live a good life, but I feel so empty. I remember the book "the richest man in Babylon" and it said hindi daw maganda sa tao ang hindi nagtatrabaho.
I've always been lazy. But once I've started working, I always switch into workaholic mode, killing myself (and my relationships) in the process.
The first 5 years of my life as a working adult, I've spent working like a maniac. I was stressed, I've missed improtant occasions and so much more. So I spent the 5 years that followed claiming everything back. But I can't spend the next 5 years like this anymore...
I am an October born Libra. Our sign represents balance. Funny it's the very thing I can't apply in my own life. Life-work balance. Sabi sa "one thing" na book, it doesn't exist daw. Hindi ko talaga gets yung part na yun.
I remember when I was in college, a friend and I were having a mini debate. I was quoting book after book and when the friend ran out of things to say, she angrily said, "bookish ka kasi." Back then I thought she's just 'pikon', but as I grew older, I realized that she was probably right.
I wonder how people do it. Learning life outside books. Maybe they talk to people and try things. I'm not very fond of human beings. I'm more of a dog person. Also cats. Sometime crocodiles.
ERRATUM: So my entry had been sitting here for hours and I realized, TODAY IS TUESDAY. What's up with that?
12:45 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Me to me:
Yeah, it hurts, but we got to get going.
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I can't comprehend how 4 months won against 5 years...
And... oh, damn this.
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One of my highschool friends lost her dad. Just a week ago, we were there in the same venue for Tito's funeral.
We will all go there, don't we? Our loved ones too. Maybe it's not wise to experience it inside my head when it's not even happening yet.
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The best movies I love are the ones that go like someone or something comes along and it changes the life of the bida forever. Maybe all of us, in one way of another, have stories like that too in some parts of our lives. A person or an event that changes our world for good. For good. I think that's the deal breaker here. Because things only feel magical when they're new. But once you get used to it, it becomes life. It becomes normal. I know it's not bad. It just kind of makes you want to see magic again.
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My niece and I play a lot. To be honest, I never really see her as my own child. I see her more like the baby sister I never had. When we get so makulit at home, sis-in-law sometimes complain, saying I'm more isip-bata than ng niece. Some of my friends say the same thing.
I had been the youngest in the family until my brother built his own family. I often see myself as someone independent, until I realized how I can't cook and can't even wash my own clothes. Most of my decisions, I base in my mother's opinion.
How do you really measure maturity?
Iniisip ko kung ito ba ang root cause ng majority ng mga problema ko sa buhay.
....
Or maybe I'm seeking anwers in wrong places again.
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今日はあの人の誕生日だ。
09:07 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
I don't have a problem. I'm just feeling sad. I wonder if that is a problem in itself.
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Officially transferred to a place near work last Sun. On my 1st day, Mom visted me already. Lol. It's just weird that I feel all happy in the morning, but as the day progressed, bites of sadness creep, even milk tea cannot cure.
I heard somewhere that happiness is an inside job. Seems like I have a lot of work to do.
12:09 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
I wrote an entry at 12am earlier and then a similar one just a few minutes ago and both of which were miraculously erased. Ayaw yata ng langit na ipost ko yung gusto kong i-post, kaya, oh sya, wag na natin ipilit.
Thursday ngayon at uuwi na ko bukas. I miss my dogs, my plants and my parents. I intentionally didn't water my plants for 2 weeks just to make sure they will survive in case Mom will accidentally water them everyday even when I clearly told her not to. Mine are dessert plants. They won't survive too much water. I hope they're still alive when I get back. Nanganak na kaya yung lithops ko? Malaki na kaya ang melo seedlings ko?
Malapit na rin pala magpasko. Kaitlyn and sis-in-law left the house last Sun. They'll be spending Christmas at sis-in-law's place in Cavite. Bro will join them by Friday. It's just gonna be Mom, Dad and me for Christmas. And also the dogs.
Christmas may not be as exciting as it was back when we were kids. But I'm happy and thankful that at least both my parents are still around.
2019 is going to be better.
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Wtf. See, this was posted with zero trouble. What's up with that?
12:01 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
It's been a while.
I was just fixing my things for work tomorrow when my head started pulsating. My neck and forehead feel a little hot. I hope I'm not sick. I just took a leave yesterday because my lower abdomen felt like it was being kicked non-stop. You know... time of the month.
Spent the day binge watching a korean novela entitled "The Beauty Inside". Lee Min Ki is there. I remember him from "Because this is our first life". He's not someone you'll call handsome from a Filipino standard, but I really love this guy. Universe, isang Lee Mi Ki-ish guy naman dyan, please. Lel.
The story is a cute fantasy rom-com. Must be inspired the book 'Everyday' by David Levithan. Still 7/16, 9 episodes left. Looks like I won't be able to finish it since tomorrow is my last day at work and I'll be back by Jan 4 pa. Each episode is about 1 hour long. Even if I watch without wiwi break, I will still be able to watch around 6 eps max. Work at the cage is very low volume I can binge watch kdrama all day. But trust me, it's not something to be happy about. I believe that work is good for one's wellbeing. I'm just doing this because it's the holiday season. So, nag explain talaga ko. Lol.
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Few days before 2019. I back read some of my end-of-the-year and start-of-the-year entries. Some of my hopes did happen. Some didn't. I think that's okay. We can always start over again, right.
Sabi ni Bro Bo, yung Law of Generosity daw ay nakasulat sa fabrics ng Universe. Na when you give, more will be given unto you. I don't know about that, but let's give it a try.
I want to give you blessings today. You who are reading this.
I wish for you joy and prosperity.
I wish for you peace and loving relationships.
I wish that 2019 will be your year of breakthrough.
The year that you will find passion and purpose in everything you do.
A year where all your efforts will finally pay off.
A year where people will look at you and see someone precious.
A year where you will find- or keep- your One True Love.
May you and your loved ones be healthy, wealthy and happy all year long.
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It's nice to wish for yourself, pero masaya rin pala mag wish for someone else. But don't get me wrong, Universe. I also wish these things for myself, okay.
2019 is going to be amazing. Cheers Tabulas peeps!
11:16 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
