Entries for September, 2018
"Anong gagawin mo pag nagkaron ka ng isang milyon?"
Dad asked me this question out of the blue. When your dad, old and sickly, starts asking a question like this, ang hirap hindi mag-isip ng kung ano-ano, specially since I know my dad. I was working on my garden then, wiping tears habang nagmamartilyo.
Until Dad told us why he asked. Said he had a dream daw. In the dream, he committed suicide and he met San Pedro. Pinagalitan daw sya ni San Pedro at sinabing hindi pa daw sya pwede ma deds because my brother doesn't have his own house yet, and Dad's apo, my niece, is not very ok yet. Sinabi daw ni San Pedro na Dad will win in lotto kaya he needs to live. I saw Mom's tears while Dad was telling us a story. Pero later on naging fun and lighthearted naman yung convo when we started to plan kung pano kami magpaparte parte sa 400 million pesos. Lol.
I don't really care much. I just want to have my dad for a long long time pa. But I don't mind having millions either. Sana nga totoo ang sinabi ni San Pedro. Hehe.
Nalaman ko na "Tagpi" pala ang pangalan ng aso ng kapitbahay na tinatawag kong "Pogi". Nakakatuwa na hindi sya lilingon pag tinawag mo syang tagpi pero lumilingon sya sa pogi. Alam nya kaya ibig sabihin ng pogi? Lol.
I still feel like someone who broke a leg and who is just starting to learn how to walk again. It still hurts. It does. I deleted my IG and didn't have the slightest regret. If it wasn't for the people I don't want to lose contact with, I'd delete FB too.
But what for? Soon I'll recover from this. I'm starting to entertain the possibility that maybe I'd really be better off single. There are days when I want to close all connections I have from the world just so I wouldn't see anything that involves that person.
But what for?
Iniisip ko kung magiging masaya pa ba ko ulit.
Masipag ako sa paperworks and stuff that require an eye in details. But heck, I hate manual, physical labor. Pero the weekend that passed, I've spent with hammer, saw, pliers and stuff. I was fixing the garden for my babies and future babies. In love na in love talaga ako sa mga halaman ko.
Today, I bought air dry clay. I plan to make hand-made pots for my plants na plano ko ibenta once I get a hang of things. Gusto kong magpatayo ng garden. O kaya green house.
I've been spending most of my days emersed in reading posts sa fb group na dedicated sa uri ng plants na meron ako. Nakakakilig na nandun si Jennica at nagpo post at nagko comment din. Super idol ko talaga yun. Not as an actress, but more as a mother, as a wife and as a human being in general. Check her IG and you'll understand why.
May nabasa pala ako kanina about using vetsin as fertilizers. Mabilis daw magkakaron ng pups at flowers. Excited na ko magvetsin. Sana magka flowers na ang cacti ko.
20 mins to go tas uwian na. Thank you, Lord!
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Written by cinderellaareus at 03:42 PM.
Sabi sa nabasa ko, scientifically, emotional pain daw can only last for 10 minutes. Anything longer than that is self-inflicted.
I was starting to feel ok until I once again checked his IG. Why the heck did I delete my own account if I'll keep on visiting his in the first place? Nade-detox din ba ang puso? Putakte.
Things are pretty bad in other things as well. The cage will no longer keep the current building. Said we will be transferring to Pasig before the year ends. I need to explore my other options fast.
Gusto kong maniwala na pag shine-shake ng Diyos ang mundo mo, diladala ka lang Nya somewhere better. Still, I wish he'd just give be better options instead. When I got myself here, I said I'd just stay for a year. Tapos, poof! 5 years na. Oh, Lord...
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Written by cinderellaareus at 03:23 PM.
It hasn't been easy, you know.
It took me a month to at least feel ok, only to look at his social media account and feel my chest hurting again.
WHY CAN'T I JUST STOP LOOKING?
I remember the first time he met my parents, he just froze. Ganung level na pala sila. They kinda look good together. Believe me, I'm happy that he's happy. I am. I am. I just don't feel happy for myself.
It just gets harder as time goes by...
To believe that someone will ever love me again.
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Written by cinderellaareus at 11:09 PM.
Clock reads 9:32PM. It's the 3rd day of my 4-day long weekend. Tomorrow's the last and I'd be out for a movie.
A few days back, I watched Goyo. I can't understand where the bad reviews are coming from because it was so good.
The last time, shinare ko yung post ni Heneral tungkol sa Goyo, tapos, Bes, hinart nya! Syempre lumundag ang fangirl heart ko. Nakakatuwa.
Totoong isa si Heneral sa mga writers na hinahangaan ko. Pero bukod sa writing skills nya, siguro yung mga pinaniniwalaan nya ang higit na hinahangaan ko at yung tapang nya na tumayo para rito.
Gusto ko ring maging writer. Gusto kong maging parte ng isang pelikulang mag-aangat ng antas ng kalidad ng mga pelikula sa Pilipinas. Pero bukod sa pagsusulat, gusto ko rin maging kasing tapang ni Heneral.
My definition of a bad ass woman is someone who gets what she eats from her backyard, runs with her dog in the morning to stay in shape, and fearlessly does whatever outrageous things she feel like doing... but most of all, she has to be kind.
I want to be a bad ass woman.
Ang mahal daw ng sili ngayon. May tanim naman kaming sili pero saktong pang gamit lang. Ikayaman ko kaya kung magtatanim ako ng marami pang sili?
Gusto ko nang magtayo ng sarili kong garden. O kaya farm. O pwede rin hacienda para bongga.
I set my other phone on airplane mode and I'm now playing some meditative song on it. Itinabi ko sa pinakamaarte kong alaga.
Two months since I've started planting succulents and I feel like it's very close to having pets. Hindi talaga prepared ang puso kong mamatayan ng halaman. To date, I have 17 plants. My most favorite one is the most maarte among them. Sabi sa group na finafollow ko sa Facebook, fast-draining soil, once a month watering, bright shaded area and no to full sun. Then above all, wag daw papansinin. Sinunod ko lahat ng advice except the last. I checked it kanina, meron na namang molds at mga latang dahon, samantalang hindi pa sya nadidiligan ever. Hays. O sya, walang pansinan kung walang pansinan. Sinubukan ko nalang rin syang patugtugan ng music dahil healthy daw sa halaman. Sana mag work. At sana naman, wag mamatay ang paborito kong alaga.
I was feeling exceptionally lonely this morning. I thought maybe making someone happy will make me happy, so I helped Mom with the laundry. I also help her cook her favorite ginataang bilo bilo. Ok naman...
Iniisip ko kung hanggang kelan ba ko ganito.
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Written by cinderellaareus at 10:38 PM.
I had my first fight when I was around 6 or 7 yrs old. Grade 1. We were at the school chapel where I banged my classmate's head against the wall. I wasn't hurt whatsoever and yet when the whole commotion was over, I started crying. Mom saw me and asked what was wrong. The classmates explained that they were fighting against my cousin, not me.
When we were young, Mom always told us, no matter what happens, she got our back. Even when we're wrong, she may not tolerate, but she will always take our side. She kept true to these words up to this day. I think in a way, that made me both fearless and stubborn.
What Mom told me that day was so effective that it became my first and last fight ever: "Anak, may tahi pala sa kilay yung kaklase mong inuntog mo. E paano kung mamatay yun? Alam mo bang makukulong ang Nanay?"
I grew up with Mom saying, wag daw kaming magpapaapi. If someone wrongs us, she told us to tell her at sya na ang bahala. She told us to avoid fighting. I swear there were many times na hindi ako nagsumbong sa nanay ko, not because I was scared of the person involved, but because I was scared FOR the person involved. I figured that taking matters in my own hands is way kinder than making my enemies experience my mother's wrath.
Because of Mom, I became a person capable of protecting myself. Now that I'm an adult, I don't know if that's always a good thing.
I'm feeling a lot better lately but I still don't feel like mingling with anyone. But I got to attend our club's meeting tomorrow because it's payment time. Besides, I can't go on hermit mode all my life, right?
I know my taste and I know the kind of men I'm drawn to. Sabi nila, "follow your heart." l think that's bullshit.
Siguro nalulungkot lang ako.
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Written by cinderellaareus at 12:07 PM.
Exactly how I've been feeling lately.
Failing doesn't change your value, worth, or goodness. It feels like it does. But that is a big part of this lesson. Nothing you did or didn't do could have won this situation. Now you have the chance to learn to love and accept yourself regardless of what you accomplish or don't.
There may even have been a set of lies and betrayals from others leading you to an unfair position in life. You now have to come to terms with finding self-love even when you have been framed. You now have the chance to fall, exhausted, into universal love that has no judgments of you.
You have to find self-respect that goes far deeper than others' judgments. This is especially challenging when judgments are based on false pretenses. However, there is nothing else left to do but liberate your mind.
If you tried to win in a situation and all seemingly intelligent acts of will backfired, you are being asked to surrender to the universal will. Who you thought you were, what you thought you were meant to do, and the ways you thought you were going to do it, just weren't accurate. Let life take over and help. Your only job now is to do nothing.
You will come out well later, though that means little when one is in the worst depths of despair. The lessons of self-love, self-worth, and trust in universal will are about to become evident. Don't push it. Rest. This will all dawn upon you as time goes on, once you give up.
Once you are saturated with new understanding, tenderness and compassion for self and others will grow strong. Your situation will improve greatly by not exercising will for awhile. You will later see that this experience paved the foundation for your dreams to come true and far greater success to take hold. It just cannot be now.
Hibernate, with no will-power being used for awhile. If you need someone to handle basics for you, be humble enough to ask. That's about all you can do at this point anyway.
If you fought against the Ten of Swords consciousness, you enforced your own downfall. Lies, addictions, or complete denial of healthy participation brought you here. Others saw it coming, but you kept your eyes closed. Time for growth work and amends.
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Written by cinderellaareus at 10:58 AM.