Entries for June, 2016



六月
Wednesday: June 1, 2016



hey, it's june.

one month left and we're half way through 2016.. before we know it, Christmas and then, new year na.

so, what happened for the past 5 months? well, marami naman. maraming nangyari, marami ring nagbago. hindi nga lang masyadong dama ang mga pagbabago siguro kasi hindi ko pa nababago yung gusto kong baguhin.

i am heading for a different direction from what was previously planned. talked to yang weeks back. i decided to stop the partnership. no more NCMnl. long story.

tita then had a talk with me when we saw her on our way home. she offered me a kiosk space in her school that i can rent for free. nice right? decided to partner up with brother. for one, because though we have less overhead with the free rent and all, i still need someone who will share the expenses with me since i dont really have much to spend for a capital. plus, brother needs another source of income as much as i do. kaitlyn is growing real fast. pretty soon, she might be going to school already. there is also that probability of brother having a second baby. he too needs this. i know this wont be a lot. siguro ang mahalaga sa ngayon e makapagsimula. we will be looking at the place this sunday.

aside from the kiosk, i plan to buy a xerox machine. talked to tita about it. she said i can place it in the library. Dad said he will talk to tita. maybe she can allow us to have the electricity for free too.. im feeling positive. i know how tita loves dad. she's inclined to say yes. well, sana.

sa tingin ko, gusto ko parin maging speaker.. yung katulad ni sha. gusto ko parin makapag bigay ng seminar... and one day, maybe i too can be a speaker at kcon. hindi ko pa sure kung pano. or tungkol sa ano. pero gusto ko parin tuparin to. i will talk to my other tita. she's the principal of the school and a teacher too. maybe she can let me borrow a few hours of her class to give a talk/seminar to her students for free. from there i will just figure out the next step. bahala na. sabi nila malalaman mo daw na handa ka na, pag feeling mo, hindi ka pa handa. sighssssssssssss. maybe i just need to ignore whatever doubt i'm feeling right now and do it anyway. bahala na. in a way, im thankful i have these people with me. i know these will be a whole lot harder kung ako lang mag-isa.

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tm meetings will just be 2x a month na starting this june. im not sure yet if the following months will be the same. in a way, siguro ok nalang din since ill be needing time to execute some plans. i will be one of the backup speakers on fri. meaning, if someone will fail to deliver his/her speech, then i will have to fill up that slot. i actually finished my bsp4 and already had mentor check it. i am yet to memorize the speech, but since it is a personal story, i think i will find it easier to memorize. its just that, mentor suggested "to use purposeful gestures during your speech in preparation for BSP5". you see, i have no issues in speaking in front, but if i have to MOVE and speak, then that's another story. i actually dread that bsp5. its the speech project where we have to make our body speak. still, i know mentor had a point. i just cant really run away from this forever, right? i was just hoping i can buy some more time. sighs..

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i signed a covenant with the Heavens yesterday. i read that Migz did the same though he signed it with a friend. his covenant said he will finish writing the draft of his book in a week. if he fail to do so, he will go to a club in clubbing clothes, stay there for an hour, then approach some random girl and ask for her number. he must have hate clubbing that much because he was able to write the draft in a week. so i thought of doing the same.

ive been far from living a healthy life for these past months and so the covenant i signed had something to do with my health. i have to live healthy for the entire month, exercise regularly, eat healthy, drop unhealthy food(goodbye hepatitis joints..huhu), unhealthy habits and the like.  if i fail to do this i will have to give mom P3000. Believe me, this would be a great motivation considering that i am on tight budget most of the time. i hope i wont be P3000 poorer come end of June.

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the week is crawling real slow. bat parang bumagal ata ang oras...im still upset over what's been happening to our country. im tired of hearing about mayor. maybe i need to stop watching and reading news.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 10:45 AM.

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APE
Thursday: June 2, 2016



senyales daw ng pagiging nene yung sobrang nakikiliti ka pag physical exam. i sure was giving myself away. what can be more embarrassing than that?! ugh! i hate APE!!

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lazy thursday at work. i was feeling off since yesterday so i googled "feel good movies" and found the movie, "man up". it was cute. i liked it. i LOVE Simon Pegg. he's soooo.. what? i dont know.. charming? basta i love him.

i think i miss that. you know.. yung conversation na alam mong my chemistry.. ganun. ewan.  if it's with another woman, it's easy to converse. chemistry's naturally there, parehas kaming babae e. pero pag sa lalaki.. idk..it's really rare. lalo na nga't madalas na naooverpower ng awkwardness yung chemistry. pero...i dont know.

B chatted with me a few days back. he was someone i once liked then ended up hating. still, i cant deny that he's one of the very few men that i find easy to talk to. hindi ko tuloy sure if time ba yung nagbura ng pagkaumay ko sa kanya before or was it because i just miss having a substantial convo with the opposite sex. yung kind of talk na may exchange of ideas at hindi basta super light talks lang as how what i usually was usually having lately. maybe i need to expand my world some more.

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nini texted me this morning asking if she can call me. from there, alam ko na. i remember the last time shara called was when she got pregnant. and her call before that was when she was getting married.

so yeah, nini's now getting married. may role daw ako sa wedding. probably bridesmaid. kailangan ng kumayod para mag diet. the wedding will be on nov 25. unlike shara's wedding, nini's didnt come as a shock. she and tope had been together for a long time. and i know tope. he's a good man. i know that nini will be in good hands.

i asked nini kung sino sino sa mga friends namin ang darating.. the truth is, i just want to know if she'll be inviting R too. that would be a friday. he probably has a class then. still.. ewan ko. why do i want to know?

but whatebs. excited na ko. nini said she'll send me a pic or drawing or something on how my dress will look like. ang advantage pag close mo ang bride, pwede kang mag reklamo pag hindi mo type ang outfit. haha. pangalawang beses ko palang tong magiging part ng entourage. the first was when bro got married.. should i grow my hair long? i will tell nini i want flowers on my hair. haha. demanding. lol.

in a way, i fear what mom will say once she find out.."anak, ikaw nalang ang hindi pa nag-aasawa."

yeah, well spotted, mom.

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the sky was peach when i left the house this morning. there were faint streaks of blue among the peach. i loved the look of it and the feeling it sent me. you see, sometimes when you're down, the Heavens sure has a way of lifting you up in a lot of unexpected ways..

i think, im now feeling better.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 04:07 PM.

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desserts spelled backwards
Friday: June 3, 2016



i cant wait till six years are over. that is only if he hasnt sold RP to china already. or turn the country into some extreme leftist govt. i dont know. 27days left before mayor takes over the position and yet he is acting like a mad man already. i saw some link where people can sign a request for him to resign. im getting exhausted with his stunts too, but i didnt sign. i wonder if it could make a difference.

if there will be something that sets mayor apart from the other presidents na naabutan ko in my life time, siguro yung range of influence nia yon. people follow him, which is good. we need that kind of leader. i too believe that we need to impose a certain degree of discipline in our country. and i think he has the ability to do that. it's really such a pity he's not using his influence for a better cause.

the election divided our people already.. and now mayor is dividing us further. kung dati nag aaway away tayo sa kung sino ang dapat na mapunta sa pwesto. ngayon naman,nag-aaway away na tayo sa pag interpret sa kung ano ba talaga ang ibig sabihin ni mayor sa mga sinasabi nia.. nakakatawa, pare parehas naman tayong nakakaintindi ng English at Tagalog.

nagmumukha ng circus ang gobyerno. and cat calling? JUICE mio. smh.

almusal, tanghalian at hapunan na naten sa araw araw ang mura ni mayor. pagbabawalan ko ang pamangkin kong manood ng news from now on(kahet 2 years old palang sia)..

very good Philippines. ang husay niong pumili ng pangulo. leche(gatas).



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Written by cinderellaareus at 12:10 PM.

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things
Monday: June 6, 2016



shared some post that reflected exactly what ive been thinking about the govt recently. e free fb, so no pics. was shocked when i saw that the pic was a pic of mayor tas may clouds tas may date of birth tas year 2016. parang deads na ganun. that was so BAD... so below the belt picture..so... i dont know.. and i shared that?!! damn free facebook. huhu.

well, lesson learned. i really felt bad. i may not like what mayor had been doing but that was just too cruel. im really sorry mayor!!huhu..

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spent a simple but  happy weekend. we worked on this business we were about to do. my part of the job was as usual, drawings, papers and the like plus a few talks with people involved. the project itself doesnt really sound so promising, but i think we still should at least try. dream big start small.

we also ate out, went malling etc etc. this may not sound much, but to me, this is more than enough to make me happy.

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last friday was great too but im running out of time, maybe id post it some other time.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 03:49 PM.

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2.0
Tuesday: June 7, 2016



just read an excerpt from LOVE 2.0 by Barbara L. Fredrickson. the contents made sense.. im gonna think of a way to incorporate the idea in life. nice.

sabi sa nabasa ko importante daw ang ginagawa mo from 6pm onwards until bago ka matulog kasi yung mga emotions, experiences, insights daw na nakukuha mo around that time e mas effective na naaabsorb ng subsconscious mind mo. narealize ko lang na lately bago ko matulog e mga toxic articles at comments sa facebook ang nababasa ko... so time to change.

from now on, im just gonna let the rp crumble. naaawa parin naman ako sa pilipinas, but adding up to the toxicity will not make our country better anyway. so yeah. no more toxic stuff before sleep.

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mom and i were discussing about business over dinner yesterday. said figures aren't looking good. baka better daw na wag nalang ituloy. the tita's who are in charge of the place were a bit malabo. i drew the plan of the stall thinking that we'll be having half of the place because that was what tita1 told me.. and then tita2 just told dad yesterday that it should be 1/6. good thing we havent called the carpenter yet. now, talk about communication issues. jeez. im just glad that my relationship with my brother is not like that. but whatebs.

so, what now? idk. what's weird is that every time na may projects na hindi matutuloy or mukhang di na matutuloy, i always feel this sense of relief and.. freedom? yung para bang... can be whatever i want to be. ganun. ewan ko kung meron na naman akong unresolved (and yet-to-be-discovered) issue. my commitment issue ba ko? believe me, this girl commits. but then... idk.

still, this is not yet final. i will talk to bro once he's back. mom said maybe we can just do it from home.. that way we can reduce overhead. the idea was so-so. we used to have higher foot traffic years back, but now, not so much anymore. pero basta. bahala na. ano kayang pwede kong gawin?

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failed to live healthy for more than a couple of days. ill be P3000 poorer by the end of june. huhu.

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its been 5days. thought of writing about how my last friday went so as to document the experience.. kaso mejo expired. na. dapat pala sinulat ko na to nung friday.

well, wala lang naman. after the meeting, naaya lang ako lumabas with tm peeps. it was fun. i really love these people.

they were saying na lalabas lang daw kasi nalulungkot daw si C, which got me curious kung bakit. i was thinking maybe he broke up with the gf na. well, he didnt. sayang. haha. charot.

anyway, ayun. kwentuhan, tawanan, etc etc. nalaman kong marunong pla si c ng numerology something. parang sasabihin mo lang zodiac sign mo tas birthday mo tas zodiac sign at birthday ng taong gusto mo, blah blah blah. when my turn came, it got me a bit confused that c was relating my zodiac sign and birthday to his. i got too confused i forgot to listen. haha. ang naalala ko lang, ok daw kami. mejo weird lang. pero wala lang naman siguro yun. taken sya e. naalala ko lang nung nagka partner kami before sa "anything goes". i remember he asked for my birthday. i wonder if he makes it a habit of asking people's bday for that purpose.

i gave him R's bday too just to verify how accurate his readings are, and it was pretty accurate indeed. galing nga e.

then, more kwentuhan. the convo pretty much revolved around love life. nakapag kwento na ng lovelife ang lahat pero hindi man lang ako nakasagap ng clue sa love life ni mentor. hmp. well, i was just curious.

then 11 came. ayoko pa sanang umuwi. kaso galit na nanay ko..haha.. buti pa si cinderella 12 ang curfew. lol.

i went home with the other 2 girls. we rode b's car. when we were there, the love life related convo continued (kabitin nga naman kasi). tas since 3 lang kami, i got the nerve to ask L, "Si <insert crush's name here> at <some guy's name here> ba e couple or something?" she said, hindi naman daw. friends lang daw.. nag discuss pa tungkol sa kung ano tingin namin sa pref ni mentor.. though hindi ko alam ang degree ng accuracy ng sagot ni L, natuwa parin ako. still, i want a more reliable answer.. maybe i should just ask mentor directly. haha.. ang tapang lang e no..

well, ayun lang naman.

this friday will be the first friday na walang tm meeting since i joined last jan. mejo nakakalungkot. tas sa next meeting may speech pala ako ulet. i still have about a week and a half left. hindi ko pa memorized. nakakatamad.

nakakalungkot.

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11mins past 4..got to end this.

ciao!



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Written by cinderellaareus at 04:12 PM.

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burning boats
Friday: June 10, 2016



friday. i survived the week. congratulations to me.

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almost a week of staying away from toxicity and wow, im having better sleep. great. i also started to do hip hop abs again and since im using our tv for hip hop abs, hindi na rin ako nakakanuod masyado ng news. naalala ko tuloy yung sabi ni janna stanfield as to why she's not watching news.. para to stay away from negativity something daw. she also added na if magkaron man daw ng super importanteng bagay sa news na mamimiss nia, for sure naman may magbabalita sa kanya nun. made sense, right? maybe id do the same.

also watched a few of the past "the feast" sessions.. got hit by bro. Obet's words saying, "dont sacrifice your power source." referring to those who chose not to go to the feast in exchange from doing something else. kelan nga ba ko huling nag feast?? naibaon ko na rin sa limot ang plan kong sumali sa love life retreat at ang maging servant sa feast malapit samen. i hope i still have time to catch up.

kcon is fast approaching. there will be changes. i wonder if i need to work as early as now for my plan B (sounds familiar.. BBM, is that you?Lol).. anyway, as i was saying.. ayun nga. kcon. i am also fancying a few idea.

was reading success.com when the idea hit me. ang wierd nga naman kasi. i know what i want. i know what i need to do to get it. so why am i spending my time, energy and resources into doing something else???!!

ang labo di ba? walang sense di ba? so yun. naisip ko lang na, siguro dapat na nga talaga magsimula. sa totoo lang, etong mga times like these kung saan nagsisimula na akong mag-isip na kumilos para tuparin ang mga pangarap ko e saka super ingay at nag sisigawan ang self-doubt at mga critics sa utak ko saying, "di pa kaya yan.." or "di ka pa handa." or "di magwo-work yan" or "pano kung masayang oras mo?" and so on..

hindi talaga ako matapang na tao, but in those few instances na naging matapang ako and faught my own self-doubt and those evil critics inside my head, lahat naman yun naging worth it. so, may sense naman kung ilalaban ko ulet to no? pero kasi hindi naman sense ang sinusunod ng utak ko... ang alam ko lang, dapat ko nang i act out to sa lalong madaling panahon bago ko pa maisipang mag back out.

book-seminar-website... gaya nga sabi ni sir larry na create it, campaign it and then cash it in.

kaso wala ata akong pera so baka seminar to raise fund tas book tas membership-based website.

pero kasi... alam mo yun.. yung "what? me? me? ako? as in ako?? weh...kaya ko ba yan?" feeling.. andun e.. sighs.. ang hirap talagang kalaban ng sarili.

1 week daw nagawa ni migz ang kanyang drafts. ganun nalang din ako. im thinking of staying away from how-to articles para yung style ko new, saken talaga at walang restrictions. hindi ko alam kung magagawa ko ba to. ayoko naman na na magsign ng isa pang covenant because the last time i did, it costed me 3000 pesos (which i am yet to pay). so no more covenant signing from now on.

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nabasa ko na naman yung tungkol kay alexander the great and the "burning boat" concept sa art of war. sinunog kasi ni alexander the great ang lahat ng boat nila bago sila lumaban sa persians.. ang concept kasi e yung tanggalan yung mga tauhan nia ng option to retreat para mas mag commit sila into winning. well, we all know it worked.

ive burned a lot of boats in my life.. and ive been burning more. hindi ko pa nakikita yung positive outcome sa ngayon but im feeling positive na it's working and that im getting there.

i hope im right. in case im not, i will make myself so (naks, ang tapang..).



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Written by cinderellaareus at 03:53 PM.

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ang tagal ng friday
Tuesday: June 14, 2016



"Ground zero is better than investing time into a sinking ship. Cut your losses. You’re in control—and your external world will soon follow."

san ko nga ba nabasa to??

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been feeling off. my hermit mode meter's in the utmost. add crazy daysssss at the cage to that and im on the brink of losing some more screws. pak this. huhu.

im just happy my former qm, meg is still here. kung tutuusin hindi nia naman na kami kailangan pang tulungan, yet he still do. i use to find him quite annoying back then and now i consider him as one of the Heavens greatest blessings. i really dont know how else would i survive all these craziness without him. ambait ng taong yun nakakaiyak talaga sia. huhu.

in a way, ok narin siguro na ganito kagulo. kasi pag forever hayahay nalang e baka maging uber comfy na ko at hindi na magsumikap na lumayas dito..

sighs... a little more than a month at 3 years ko na palang sinasayang ang oras ko.

dont get me wrong, this cage was one of the greatest miracle that the Heavens gave me. i asked for this and He gave me exactly what i sought. for that, i will forever be greatful. pero kasi...

sighs.

yeah yeah yeah.. i think this is also my way of procrastinating.. blogging instead of creating a draft and so on. what am i expecting to get from this? motivation?

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was chatting with jenny yesterday. learned that migs is entering the seminary. huhu..

i was like, "what??!! talaga??! waHhhh!"

well, the loss of many girls (including me) will be the gain of the Catholic Church.. so, ok lang di ba?

pero nakakalungkot parin.

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mejo tinatamaan ako ng lungkot lately. hindi naman dating ganito. maybe im getting old.

i unfollowed most people in fb. masyado silang masaya e.. haha. bitter.

pati yung mga mas bitter pa saken ni unfollow ko na rin. haha.. pag tumitingin nga ako sa fb puro GMA news nalang ang lumalabas. LOL. but believe me, i love it this way.

sa totoo lang, sa tingin ko hindi naman ako bitter. nalulungkot lang.

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tuesday. ang tagal ng friday.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 02:27 PM.

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wrap
Thursday: June 16, 2016



few more hours and im wrapping up my week at the cage.

filed a leave on fri. im on a looong weekend. yey!

it's gonna be friday tom. since im on leave that would mean i need to travel all the way from our home in bulacan just to get to our tm meeting. pero keribels. this week at the cage had been taxing. i know spending time with people i like could somehow energize me a bit. besides, it's been 2 weeks.. nakakamiss din.

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left work early yesterday. may hazy portion daw kasi sa xray result ng lungs ko from my ape so they want me to have another xray done, ibang view naman. had it on the hospital near us. the man who took my xray was rather judgmental. he was like, "mam, buntis po kayo?" grabe, buntis kagad? hindi ba pwedeng chubby lang? lol. when i told him, "no", his reply was, "sure?"... bastos na yun..ayaw pa maniwala.. huhu.

pag may prob kaya sa xray ko mawawalan ba ko ng trabaho? weird.. longing was what i felt at the thought instead of dread... weird.

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epic fail diet attempt. pag nasa bahay kasi si kaitlyn, ang hirap na hindi kumain. may pasalubong din na chocolates galing sa kapatid ng sis-in-law na seaman, so , alam na this. sighs. keribels. i can always start again next time, right?

an officemate even commented earlier na "tumataba ka na naman." wahuhu.

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father's day this sun. dalawa na nga pala ang father sameng bahay. i didnt really plan it pero about pala kay tatay yung naisulat kong speech. weird lang.

family eat out para sa father's day this sun. it's not really the food, kundi yung bonding ang gusto ko sa mga ganitong lakad. pero syempre, gusto ko rin yung food.

i cant believe that around 3 years ago, this was barely possible because i was too workaholic. hindi man ako satisfied sa career ko ngayon, i wouldnt trade my time with my family for anything in the world now.

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might be going out with the girls from our club this sat. mejo naka hermit mode ako ngayon and ang gusto ko lang talaga gawin e matulog or tumingin sa bubong at mag muni muni.. pero kung mga ganung bagay ang gagawin ko, ano namang mangyayari sa buhay ko? well, bahala na..

i said im going. of course, i will.

--------------------------------

PS: just got a call from ice. our hs classmate/one of the closest HS friends i had, passed away na daw. her name is cristina. i call her cris.. ansaket.. ayaw mag sink in.. oh God...



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Written by cinderellaareus at 11:02 AM.

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cris
: June 18, 2016



Second day of sleeping in my parents' bed. Since I heard about cristina's death, I found it hard to sleep alone in my own room. Tried to sleep with the lights on...it was just impossible.  I needed to wake dad up so I can take his place in their bed and make him sleep in my room instead.. have u seen a 30 yo woman who still sleep next to her mom? Yeah, not something to be proud of, right?

Cris was one of the people who I shared ideas and theories with. We saw each other cry, laugh, get angry and so on.. we talked about death too. I've kept her many letters for me. She had a habit of writing letters.she was a great writer.  One of the best I know.. I wonder of she's OK about dying...  may Tao bang naging OK about dying?

Cancelled my gala with my tm girls to see cris in her wake. The people i would go and attend her wake with can only go sat night. I could go on my own.. Hindi nmn malaki any lugar nila sa citrus, I'm pretty sure na if magtatanong tanong ako, i can get to the right house kung saan nandun yung wake nia.. i just cant find the courage to do that on my own. I can't imagine seeing my own friend inside a casket... tsk. Hindi ko gusto ung ganito.. huhu..

Nasa langit n kaya si cris? or is her soul still here since wala p siang 40 days? or what if wala talagang mga ganun? What if life is all there is at after nun wala na? Ewan ko...

kamusta k nb cris? Naalala ko nuon ng naikwento mo n npanaginipan mo dati ung sarili mong lamay. We were in highschool then. Mkikita mo kaya kami sa wake mo? gusto kong isa ako sa mga taong makikita mo n dadalaw sau kahet ang totoo nian natatakot ako...

Rest in peace, cris. For sure, wala nang syringes and blood extraction sa heaven... ikaw ung nagsabi sakin non n "once a friend will always be a friend." you will never cease to be one, cris...



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Written by cinderellaareus at 10:44 AM.

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11:22
Saturday: June 18, 2016



Man, I'm being exceptionally jumpy again. 3rd night of sleeping in parents' bed. I think I'm getting used to their springy bed. I actually hate springy bed. Ilang araw p kya akong ganito? Huhu..

Still,  what happened made me realize how our time is numbered and on how we should make the most of it every single day. It also made me feel greatful that I am alive. I don't know for how long.. but still I'm glad for the hope of tomorrow. I also thank the  Heavens because I am now next to the person I love most in the world (mom). I am also thankful because He didn't take dad away from us when he had a stroke. Nafru frustrate din nmn ako sa buhay ko madalas. Pero masaya ako lng lahat ng pinaka mahalaga saken NASA akin parin.

Salamat po sa buhay, God. Salamat sa lahat ng pagpapala. Salamat sa lahat ng mga taong mahal ko.. ipahiram Nyo pa po sana sila saken ng sobrang mas matagal pa.. ipahiram Nyo rin po sna muna ako sa kanila ng sobrang matagal pa. Ikaw n po ang bahala sa amin.. Please po ilayo Nyo po ako sa kahit anong horror at nakakatakot. Amen.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 11:43 PM.

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thoughts on buhay, kamatayan at iba pa
Tuesday: June 21, 2016



2 days and my entry is still on top of tabby's recent activity. ako nalang ba ang sumusulat dito?

maybe the others welcomed change and moved on to other sites.

im not exactly a fan of change.. maybe that's the reason why i didnt vote for mayor. i just heard a fan raving for him at the girls' CR this morning. but im giving it a rest. she, and anyone else for that matter, has the right to rave for anyone she likes anyway so be it.

i just find it unnerving how news about killings, human rights violations and related stuff have been spreading in the news lately. ako lang ba talaga ang ayaw ng ganitong change? pero sige, bahala na nga kayo..

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nth days in sleeping in parents' bed. ive lost counting.

i realized maybe im not really that scared of seeing cristina's ghost or something. or maybe i am, but not as much. whenever i think of her, i mostly remember fond memories, or on how beautiful she was back then and not really on how creepy her corpse looked or something. i think im more scared at the thought of dying. of me dying. or of my parents dying. or my brother. or kaitlyn. there are very few people in my life, you know.. i just cant bear the thought of losing anyone.

a friend's death made dying so real. on my depressing days, i didnt really mind dying.. pero siguro pag alam mo na na it COULD happen and it WOULD happen, mag-iiba rin talaga ang tingin mo sa mga bagay bagay. hihilingin mo pa bang mamatay kung on the verge of death ka na? probably not.

sabi nila change daw ang only certain thing sa mundo.. well, di ba DEATH din naman?

wala akong snapchat. pero sa pagkakaalam ko ang snapchat ay isang apps kung saan yung mga videos at photos mo e mawawala lang rin after a few designated seconds.. naisip ko lang, parang snapchat din ang buhay... kaya dapat take lang ng take ng pics at vids kasi mawawala rin naman yun eventually. tipong ok lang..gusto mong mag 2-pc kahet flabby ka? go! gusto mong manligaw sa crush mong crush ng bayan kahet di ka masyadong gwapo? go! gusto mong sumikat kahet wala kang masyadong talent? go! walang dapat ikatakot, walang dapat ikahiya. hindi na kailangang mag praning praningan pa and so on. kasi lumilipas naman lahat. masaya, malungkot. lahat.

tinanong ko ang isang kakilala ko kung bakit pa binuhay ang tao kung mamamatay din pala. sabi niya, di ba yun yung purpose ng buhay? para mamatay? hindi ko masyadong gets. di nia rin kasi ni elaborate..

sabi sa nabasa ko dati, ang purpose daw ng buhay ay to serve.. siguro iba iba tayo ng magiging sagot dun sa tanong ko..

isa pang tanong.. kung bibigyan ka ng choice bago ka ipanganak, pipiliin mo pa bang mabuhay kung alam mong mamamatay ka rin? ako, sa tingin ko, oo. why? wala lang.. for experience.. for the same reason kung baket ako nag-aalaga parin ng aso kahet na malaki ang chance na mamamatay lang rin sya after a few years.. experience.. siguro learning din.. tas entertainment.. pero di ba experience rin lahat to?

siguro matutulog na ko mamaya sa sarili kong kwarto. hindi na naman ako takot sa multo. siguro gusto ko lang tumabi sa nanay ko para maramdaman kong humihinga sia.. natatakot ako na dumating ang araw na makita ko siyang hindi na.. pero posible rin naman na mauna pa ko sa kanya.. pero parang ayokong bigyan ng ganung klaseng sama ng loob si mama. ewan ko.. langit lang naman ang mag dedecide ng mga to di ba?

makikinig kaya ang langit kung hihiling ako ng particular way sa kung paano ako mamamatay pati yung mga loved ones ko? well, hindi ko alam, pero sinubukan ko parin.. sabi ni bo sanchez, gusto nia daw mamatay with his boots on serving the Lord.. i had a different idea and i told the Heavens about it already.. sana pakinggan Nia ang dasal ko. 



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Written by cinderellaareus at 11:12 AM.

2 comments





2:00
Friday: June 24, 2016



That's what the clock says.. I am nowhere near drifting off..

Filed a leave Thurs and Fri. It is pretty forgivable to go puyat since I won't be waking up early.

I saw a post of u and for once, I think this girl could be different..  I feel like she could be someone special to u... my filingera side says she cannot surpass my chemistry with u... but then I remember,  chemistry didn't bring us so far too...

I still miss the kinds of talk we had back then.. I wonder if I can meet someone I can talk with the way I talked with you. Someone whose thoughts I can read...

Kahet nawi wirduhan nako sayo ngayon, I remember that the last time we saw each other and tried to talk, once we get past the initial awkwardness, kusang lumalabas rin yung chemistry. Para tayong may common language na di naiintindihan ng iba.. pagnaguusap tayo parang di na naten naririnig ung paligid. Napansin mo rin ba yun?  Or guni guni ko Lang ba yun?

I suck at memorization.  But I specialize in retaining information that I already memorized.. I still remember the old numbers I had and also those that my family had. I thought I'd remember yours too. Just about a year ago, I still do. But when I tried to recall kanina, hindi na... ang galing.. hindi na.

These are the not-so-rare-anymore times that I remember you. Iniisip ko if ung friendship b nten ung nmimiss ko or yung what came after that or ikaw mismo. Siguro ikaw. Sa kabila nmn kasi ng mga kaguluhang nangyari between us eh ikaw pa din yung best guy friend n nagkaron ako. Siguro Kung di tayo nagkabolahan noon baka ang saya parin naten ngayon. Siguro babalik balik p ko sa school kasi nandun ka. Siguro kukulitin kitang sumama saken sa feast manila. Malamang sabay din tayong manonood ng mga movie version ng paborito nateng libro. Tapos syempre, tuturuan kitang mag nihongo...

I miss you, r. Para kng male version ng bff ko khet mgkaibng magkaiba kayo.. naalala ko p nung ginugulo ko ang buhok mo nung mga panahong parang kapatid pa ang turing ko sayo... I miss finding comfort in you... Siguro hindi love.. friendship ba? Nalilito narin ako...

Babalik pa ba tayo sa dati? Pano...



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Written by cinderellaareus at 02:47 AM.

2 comments





we complicate to procrastinate
Monday: June 27, 2016



i was going smoothly with the book i am writing untill i thought of sending out survey and asking other people's feedback... it was then that it got all complicated.

we complicate to avoid.

we complicate to procrastinate.

we complicate to make excuses.

yeah, yeah, i know.

....

so, when are you going to resume in writing the book, z?

BTW, when you get to this page, dear tabby friends, and see the popup survey, please show me a little love and answer..

or you may click on this link

https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/VB69LDM

super thanks, guys!

all the love!



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Written by cinderellaareus at 12:45 PM.

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5 and up
Tuesday: June 28, 2016



Time check: 5:19am

My dog woke me up at 2:5+ am and wasn't able to go back to sleep since then.  I'm skipping work. I phoned in sick just about an hour ago.. coz I am..

I'm hoping.. wishing for a little rain.

I can see a faint pre-morning light by the window. I can hear birds chirping. I was feeling depressed and frustrated yesterday. Glad that the morning silence is calming me down. 

Life is still good.

----

Two weeks after Cristina's death. I saw her name in facebook and it took me a while to remember that she's dead. I passed by the corner of the street that leads to her house and I almost expect to see her there. I wonder what Cristina will say about dying. I remember reading somewhere that says something like," God will not abandon you," or "God will help you." Is Cristina disappointed because God didn't heal her? Or is she happy because God finally ended the pain? or meron nga  b talagang "God"? Nalaman n kaya ni Cristina ang mga katotohanan ng buhay? Or naglaho nalang sia kasabay ng huli nyang hininga?

----

May nabasa akong isang article about hiring innovative people. May 2 questions daw to ask para ma-test any commitment ng Tao to innovation. Employer or not, I think these questions are worth asking yourself with.

1. "What are three things you have not yet accomplished that you would never forgive yourself for not having accomplished during the remainder of your life?"*

2. "Specifically, what have you done in the past 30 days to realize each of those three ambitions?"*

Hindi man ako natutuwa sa mga nangyayari sa buhay ko ngayon, natutuwa naman ako sa sagot ko sa mga tanong na to.

Umay na Umay na ko sa kinalalagyan ko ngayon. Minsan siguro kailangan mo matikman yung pure hell para tumigil ka sa kaka tolerate ng mga bagay na ayaw mo at for once, kumilos para makaalis ka na don... 

Oh, God, sana magawa ko to...

-----

*source: www.inc. com



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Written by cinderellaareus at 06:22 AM.

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C I N D E R E L L A A R E U S
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