Entries for August, 2016
ang bilis ng araw. august na.
spent the weekends home and out basically just annoying my beautiful niece.. i actually got loads to do.
feel like ive been out of here for a while.
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"ang OT hindi nauubos, pero ang time kay OTL unti unti nang nauubos."
saw this in sis M's fb. naalala ko bigla si TM Mel so i sent it to her and she was all for discussing OTL stuff and magsched daw kami ng coffee out or something... i dont know how to tell her, that seem to be no longer part of the plan...
idk.
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"dream wedding" ang theme ng meeting the last time. i was the toastmaster of the evening. actually enjoyed it. i didnt mess up as much as i thought i would. i just find it ironic that it was about wedding.
speaking of toastmasters, we'll be having a humorous speech contest this fri na tinatawag nilang workshop daw at hindi contest. hehe. from there they will pick someone to represent our club para sa area contest. id love to join. i just dont know how. i cant think of anything funny... im afraid that no one will present a speech on fri especially since mentor's not allowed to join contests now (from what i heard) kasi area gov na ata sia or something... sana naman may nakagawa ng humorous speech. i really dont think i can make it at this rate. anong petsa na?
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a lot of things running in my head. i cant possibly sleep without mega doses of sleep supplement anymore. it helps me sleep a bit but i often wake up in the middle of the night and not be able to sleep from there. the only difference from not sleeping at all is that my eyes would always swell as if ive been crying or i overslept. at least di halatang puyat except for the perpetually present eyebag.
ano bang gagawin ko?
kung sana yung pressure na nararamdaman ko e pwede itransform yung sarili nia into action without my own input.
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umaandar ang mga araw. lumilipas ang oras. hindi na tama na ako lang ang hindi nagbabago.
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sumali ako sa scriptwriting workshop ni ricky lee. kakainin nito ang sundays ko by november pag nagkataon. pero pipili pa naman sila. mukhang nakakapagod. pero sana mapili parin ako.
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bayad na ko sa kcon. again, we're going! ayoko munang maging excited. baka mausog.
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4:04. gtg.
04:04 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
when procrastination beats urgency
my to-do list says i should:
.write my book
.translate some docs to jap
.create a daily affirmation script
.write a humorous speech
but then my hands decided to have a mind of its own and do something else.
---
former QM, Meg told me about this little tokyo group. i joined right off. im thinking if i should attend their meetup for a language exchange on 14th. nakakatamad. but what meg told me made sense. i know meeting more japanese speaking people, esp if they're really japanese, can do me so much good. kaso ang layo. bgc. meg said he's planning to build his own group and he plans the place to be in UP diliman. great. that would be a lot nearer than bgc. i hope meg will start out soon.
TM mel also asked me to join them in some trc seminar on 14th. i already attended the same seminar years back. its just nice na from now on, hindi nalang OTL and Toastmasters ang common interest namin. pati stocks na din. i remember last meeting, neri, eric and i were talking about stocks too.. finally! im meeting people with the same interests again..
i wonder if i should just attend the language exchange...maybe i can meet more like-minded people there..
it just suck that i need to stay home as much as posible since i am again on tight budget. : (
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he mentioned my name on his blog and quoted what i said in our table topics last meeting. my normal self would have felt kilig. I would have felt kilig.. if only pictures of him with this guy(yes, guy) weren't filling up my timeline. at times i want to be believe na baka hindi naman sila. pero parang hindi kasi likely. but either way, will that make any difference?
whatevs.
siguro nalulungkot lang ako. minsan parang hindi ganun. pero ok lang naman talaga..
..
i remembered R when he said, "okay na ko sa ganito..."
i guess you really get what you settled for indeed.
ok nga ba talaga ko? ang saken lang... ano bang magagawa ko?
tsk. ok. enough.
---
my cousin, dada, sent me a message this morning. he just typed my name and when i asked him why, he was like, "hulaan mo..." leche... arteng batang to.. haha..
but i guessed right. sinagot na sya ng babaeng nililigawan nia. i was happy for dada. he's the little brother i never had anyway. besides, the last relationship he had was not a good one. ang nakakainis lang naman e yung after niang ibalita saken e sabay syang babanat ng, "ate, sa susunod, ikaw naman..".. leche! haha!
sa totoo lang, i feel so much better now about all these.
04:03 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
thank you so much, Lord, It's Friday!!
Then i had to click the PC's clock if it is indeed friday now. lol.
All good. Coffee's giving me the kick i need for the day. I figured the coffee-effect lasts about 12hours, so I probably can still sleep tonight since i drank it at around 8am. Man, i love coffee. And no signs of GERD yet. amazing!
---
toastmasters friday. seems like meron naman atang mag dedeliver ng humorous speech tonight. sana hindi lang ako ang walang speech. it's sort of sad that im not joining. it's just that, wala talaga akong mapigang speech out of me for the past week. pede pa naman siguro next time. still, nakakalungkot parin.
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there was a meet and greet session with the PBA players yesterday at Farmers Plaza. My only celebrity crush, terrence romeo wasn't there.. so sad..lol.
another pba all-stars weekend event tonight at smart araneta coliseum. the crush will surely be there. syempre hindi naman ako pupunta. still, sana makita ko yung taong yun in person. kahet one time lang. papapicture lang ako. huhu.
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1 more episode and im almost finished with "dreamworks dragon" season 2. i love toothless so much, he reminds me of my dog, tanga. he's making me love my dog even more. the last time, i brought home eggnogs for kaitlyn and found out that tanga loves eggnog too. she ate a lot of it- even a lot more than kaitlyn did. so the next day i brought a bigger pack for the two of them. it's just funny even thangs wants pasalubong too.
i dont know if real dragons are really like dogs. kaso hindi nga rin pala totoo ang dragons.. but come on, we can never tell, right?
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registered for COL's smart investing roadshow on 27th. though i still get excited at the thought of attending a learning event, a part of me wants to just stay home and play with my niece. besides, the venue is MOA. i use to not mind the distance so long as im attending a learning event. but lately, i feel like going to MOA is much like going to outerspace by foot or something.
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was watching geographic channel at the pantry a few days back. it was airing "the most dangerous carnivores" or something. I saw orca eating a baby seal after throwing it numerous times to make it dizzy. And then there was this lion who tragets the brains of its prey first- parang zombie lang- giving it an instant death, before eating the rest of it. wasnt exactly the type of tv program one should be watching while having breakfast, really.
i just remember the killings happening lately. idk. it's just that... the baby seal, the mother seal who saw her pup being killed, the bull... and every prey there is... they wouldn't cry foul to the universe when they or their loved ones get killed or eaten or whatever. and it pretty much brings balance to the eco system. the eating, the killing, the whatever. idk. it's just the rule in the wild. the prey gets eaten and the predator hunts(and kills).. that's the way of things.. no one makes a fuss, no big deal..
so what is my point? idk. maybe the value of life is just overrated. jeez i cant believe all these are coming from me. killing is a previledge given to those who can(predators) and those who cannot defend and protect themselves from it will end up being their food(prey).-- will these justify the killings? it's not that they're eating the victims, right? jeez... what am i saying?
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weekend in a few hours. im feeling so lazy i dont want to do anything..
10:46 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Its 3:49am now. I almost just got home. Mentor and G brought me home in G's car. I hope the two of them made it home safely.
I should be sleeping. Apparently, i underestimated the coffee effect.
TM night was a night full of surprises. For one, I just found out that I was going to be the general evaluator right when I recieved a copy of the program. Then I was surprised when the result of our evaluation contest came.
Now, guess who's competing for the area contest for the evaluation speech next Saturday..... Me!
After they announced the 1st and 2nd runner up, I was cluelessly doing the drum roll when I heard G say my name as the champion.
Can you believe that??! Me? Joining the area contest for evaluation? A part of me is scared and doubtful of my own capacity, but I just can't help but feel happy at the thought of celebrating with these people. The first runner up, TM Mel will be joining too. Plus, neri said she'll watch to support us. I told her nga to bring pompoms. Lol. Pero syempre joke lang yun.
But more than anything else, i love the look in mentor's face. I felt his happiness and pride when i was chosen. I felt his support. Ang saya lang. naalala ko tuloy yung speech ni TM joko..how she got the guy she likes by 1st picking him as a mentor, then joining contest etc.. believe me, i can relate. Lol.
Still, i cant do anything unless im sure he's not taken. Kaso parang taken ata talaga... hmmp, bahala na nga.. nakakainis lang, G was sharing about his love life while we were on the road. I had a whole night to ask. I didn't. Ang chicken. Jeez..
but taken or not, i just want to enjoy all these. Happy parin!
Went home with them tonight. We ate pares after the meeting. It was the 1st time i ever ate pares, i taught it looks more like goto or something. We the brought roel home, then we stopped at mcdo to have coffee and after that, mentor and g brought me home. I feel sorry that they have to bring me all the way to bulacan. They still got work early tomorrow. I hope they could at least manage to rest well.
All in all, it was a great day.. sana maging maayos ang lahat next sat sa contest.
04:29 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
it's finally sinking in. the upcoming area contest.
mejo mixed yung feeling. most of the time, im in that mode where i ask myself, "what i have gotten into?" but there is also that other mode where i want to win and share that happy moment with the club and celebrate with them...
and then.. syempre meron din yung mode na gustong magsakit sakitan nalang sa sabado than to go through all the trouble-- if you know me well enough, you'd know that wont do that.
and really, this nonstop pumping in my chest is not helping. takte. huhu.
ok na rin na ngayon ako kinakabahan para sa sabado, ubos na to. sinusubukan ko nalang na hindi problemahin kung ilang tao ba ang nandoon. or kung kaya ko bang mag craft ng evaluation speech in 5 mins.. or kung kaya ko bang ideliver yun ng walang notes..
i am the type who would join contests, or even a simple game like bato bato pik, with the aim of winning.
but there are those rare times too where id gladly settle to not messing up and all.
sa totoo lang, naeexcite din naman ako..
pero, takte, kaya ko ba to?? huhu!
...
i remember the first time when i attended the club as a guest. the first time i joined the table topics. or the first time i delivered a speech.. then, first time i became the topicsmaster. and then the TME.. and then GE. i was nervous too at first. but whenever im at the stage, i feel like that is my place, something that is for me. yung feeling na parang i was born for this, ganun. sana mafeel ko rin yun sa pag nandun na ko sa contest.
sighs... kinakabahan ako...
pero ok lang. matatapos din naman to. sighs ulet.
12:47 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
"Game of Thrones and Pokemon Go. Two things I just don't understand. Am I alone here? Show of hands? #ubersupertitolevels"
--this was cc's fb post a few days back. believe me, i can relate. uber super tita levels. lol.
pokemon go is probably just a download away but im too lazy to download much more to actually play the game. i do enjoy watching people play though.
i have this someone i know who usually post pokemon go related posts in fb. whenever he sees a pokemon, he would go like "sino ka naman?".. seems like the only pokemon he knows is pikachu. then one time, he saw ratata and he was like, "may daga! may daga!" -- found it so funny. im curious about the craze too. but i guess, there are just times when laziness beats curiosity. uber super tita levels indeed.
--
popped two biogesic already. damn rainy season. i think im gonna get sick.
coaching with g tonight... id rather go home. but really, right now, i need all the coaching i can get..
--
should be doing a lot of things, but i cant seem to function until i have this whole contest thing done and over with.
02:08 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
9-
g left for a cr break and we were left on our own. i was just listening to what you were saying when you started, "ano nga yung sinasabi ko?" and then looked down laughing.
pag naiiwan tayong dalawa, bakit ba nagiging sabaw ka???
promise ang cute mo. haha!
10-
i admit i was trying to look my best. i didn't think id see you today but just to make sure, syempre nag ayos ako.
and then you saw me and blurted out, "wow! fresh na fresh!" in a very gay manner.
really, this supposed love story is starting to look more like a comedy film. sheesh..
then we were at the lagoon. it was night time. we were walking side by side, talking. may night lights, with matching bibe (as in geese? ducks? basta yung white) in the background. it would have been a totally romantic setting... kaso.. ayun. haha!
idk. see, im the extremely jealous type and liking someone like you can be really tough because both men and women could both be considered as a competition... i wonder if i should snap out of this already...
but you know what, your kindness, your sensitivity, the way you seem to care for the welfare of the people you are with and how you held the door for me and jay... you beat a lot of straight men at that. really.
and thank you for waiting until i managed to ride a bus. only a few would do that, you know..
11-
mountain day, j-holiday, meaning, i got no work. i delivered two evaluation speeches at ma**life yesterday(wednesday) and i wasn't good. i sucked. my level of anxiety and insecurity are in no way leading downstream.
i feel sorry. i cant help but think about g and mentor.. i feel sad that i might just make all their efforts in coaching me useless by messing up at the contest. i cant help but think of our co-members who promised to extend their support on sat. or on how our after-contest bonding will be like if that happens. i feel so sorry i want to cry. i actually did. i dont like things to end this way. i really dont.
i woke up not feeling hungry despite not eating a proper dinner the night before. thought of working right away, but i remember to "sharpen the saw". i looked for something to eat. took about a cup of saluyot and 2 eggs. boiled the saluyot without any seasoning (not even salt). i love my greens tasteless. and then, fried the eggs. i didnt feel like eating but i shoved the food in my mouth. felt better. i felt energized a bit.
listened to about 5 speeches. did about 2 evaluations. reviewed the previous evaluations i've made and tried to rewrite them. i read the competent communicator's manual too. noted a few stuff about the importance of gestures and vocal variety. i chose one humorous speech that i liked most in youtube and evaluated the same speech for about 5 times until i was pleased. i recorded my voice to note the time. i listened to my voice.
G told me that my edge is my voice because i sound "malambing".. that wasn't the first time i was complimented for my voice. the x,y and z said the same thing. but then everytime i listen to my own voice recorded, i cant help but think that they were all lying. jeez, why do i sound like this?
around 3pm, mom asked me to buy bread at the bakery for merienda. at first i told her i was busy. but then i remembered my priority, so i told her, "ok". besides, maybe walking and seeing the outside world could somehow clear my mind. bought them the bread mom wants and i bought myself a tiny hopiang baboy that tasted awful, but i was satisfied. that was my first non-green carbs in about a week.
went back to listening to speeches, and evaluating the same speech until im satisfied (because i was too lazy to evaluate different speeches). took 5 minutes fb break, played with my dog from time to time until night time fell.
i wasnt eating (and sleeping) well since the week started. my wonderful mom bought pulvoron for me. ate that for dinner. my 2nd white carbs for the week.
it was way past 10 and i was still recording my evaluation for some speech when melatonin kicked in and i finally called it a night.
sabi do your best and the Heavens will do the rest. Hindi ko alam kung eto na ba yung best ko.
..
alam ko namang lilipas din to. pero malulungkot talaga ko kung hindi ako mananalo.
-------------------------------------------
PS: nakalimutan kong sabihing I've met sha when we were at ma**life last weds. She was the GE and I was the evaluator for two speakers. i knew she was once a 1st placer in the evaluation contest district level(meaning, national level), seeing how she performed as a GE, i then understand why.
because mentor and g knew about the back story on why i joined toastmasters and on how sha has to do with it, g immediately told sha about it when we were introduced. And then mentor was like, "selfie kayo.. wish ko lang moment to"--- sooooooooo embarrassing..huhu. haha.
but really, more than sha, mas gusto ko pa ngang makipag selfie kay mentor. haha!
you're really nice. pag humupa na ang pagsinta ko sayo, sana maging good friends tayo...
10:40 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Back to back gold for our club after Jay and I topped the humorous and evaluation speech contest respectively. I was sad about it earlier because mine happened out of some technicalities because one of the speakers got overtime. I should've been the first runner up. But it's really hard to be all bitter about it especially if everyone in the club was happy. It was the first time that our club ever had a back to back gold.
after the contest, we then went to Domo for dinner and continued our celebration at Ludo's to have drinks and play board games. It was past 12 when we decided to leave. After sending a lot of our other members home, g and mentor ended up sending me home too kasi wala ng bus. I hope they're safe..
Though masaya, mejo bitter parin ako ng konti. But i remember i asked for this. Before the contest, jay and i prayed. Ibang klase ring mag paimpress si God minsan.. ang sakin lang, sana lubus lubusin nya na.
God, pinalagpas Niyo narin lang po kami sa area contest, itawid Niyo na po kami pati sa division. hangang sa national championship. Kami ni jay parehas. Para masaya. Para sa elite. Para makasama ko sila mentor at g at iba pang member ng club sa midcon sa davao... ang saya po siguro non...
Isa pang dahilan kung bakit nahihirapan akong maging bitter e dahil sabi ni g, iko coach daw ako ni erika. Sya yung national champion last year sa evaluation contest. Sobrang na eexcite ako sa thought. Sa tingin ko, gusto ko rin maging next Erika.
Sept 3 ang division contest. Mukhang extended pa ang di makakain di, makatulog episodes ko... sana maging maayos lahat. sana mag champion ulet kami ulet ni jay.
-----
I was hugged by everyone from our club after the awarding . Ung iba 2-3 times pa nga. Everyone except you. Yung totoo... may issue ba tayo? Huhu. Sayo ko kaya pinaka guStong ishare yung victory ko. although hindi naman talaga ako proud sa ganitong klaseng victory.
Pero super appreciated ang efforts mo to show ur support, nag count lahat.
Teka, antok na antok na ko.. bukas ko nalang itutuloy ang entry na to..
03:39 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
guess i counted wrong. i just checked the calendar and realized i still got 3 weeks before the contest. dont know if that knowledge helps because right now i just feel so lazy for anything.
the battle plan, since i still have 3 weeks, is to work on my english first for the first week and then work on my evaluation skills on the remaining two. i dont know why my motivation level had suddenly took a plunge.
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i am sad. i wonder if you were saving me all along. i should've listened. i didnt.
and really, what's the point of chasing something you cannot get?
of chasing ONLY the things you cannot get...
ive once read an article about emotional unavailability... devoured the words with much familiarity.
shoot, what can be worst than self-sabotage?
bahala na nga..
siguro ang sign ng maturity e yung pag nagbabago na ang prayers mo.
my prayers usually go like, "i want ___, please give me ____."
i remember wanting something so much it hurts. and it hurts because you dont really want to get it right away. because if it matters, then you would want to be worthy of having it first, before actually having it, right?
so maybe a matured way to pray would be, "I want ___. If it's good, if it's part of Your will, please prepare me for this. Once I'm ready (or 'once we're both ready' if it involves another person), please let me have____. But only when i'm ready.."
..
nalulungkot ako pag naiisip kita. baka kasi mali na naman ako.
kung sakali mang tama ka--or tayo... sana ihanda tayo ng panahon para rito...
at kung sakaling mali na naman ako....well, hindi ko na alam.
03:22 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
the mark that im no longer in contest mode is that i can now eat and sleep. in fact, i cant prevent myself from eating. ugh, damn this. also, i am feeling sleepy a lot more often than the usual, ive been spending lunch breaks in sleeping quarters for the last couple of days. for some reason, i miss being in contest mode. promise, mas madaling magdiet.
--
ive read a post from an old classmate, milen, this morning that said:
"i woke up with an idea that became a goal. a goal that wakes me up in the morning and sends me to sleep at night. it excites and scares me at the same time. it scares me at times when i think how tremendous it is that i might end up in frustration of trying and never really achieving it. it excites and drives me to push myself over my known limitations and to discover how far i would go.
my parents thought me be frugal in my spending but never be stingy in dreaming. I am.
so help me God."
read this and i was like, "wow"... idk. i can feel her every word. i remember that feeling and i want to have that feeling back. i actually think im having it back... ang sarap ng feeling nang may pangarap!!
i feel certain that milen will surely reach whatever it is that she dreams about. sana ako rin.. alam kong ako rin (naks). well, sana...
--
recieved a call. someone wants me in their cage. the cage is in the far-off island of bgc. i told them i dont want to commute very far but they said their cage is ornamented with gems and golds, with satins and linens...
my life's "cage" department is in equilibrium. all was according to plan except that the calm water is making me lazy and complacent it's taking me a long time to execute. should i disturb my water and lose balance, all to kill the complacency and force myself to act at the expense of a perfect environment? or should i cling on and impose proper discipline on myself and execute the plan. so, ano ba? nakakatamad. ang layo ng bgc. baka di worth it ang gems and golds and satins and linens. besides, baka maapektuhan ang availability ko to attend toastmasters... that would really be a deal breaker. Or maybe i can join a toastmasters club near that area... kaso parang ayoko naman lumipat ng ibang club... for some reason, i feel sorry for the representative of that cage. i told him my limitations and yet he pressed on. i guess they really need someone to occupy the cage.. i hate how im so nice i cant say no right away... chicken.
still, i wish/hope/pray that i can settle all these soon. i dont want things to remain like this. i really dont.
--
i feel like my life has been bombarded with a lot of distractions lately it's quite a challenge not to get off track. madalas nakakakalimutan ko na kung anong goal ko....
ano nga ulet ang goal ko?
takte.
--
tm meeting on fri. buwan ng wika, so the meeting will be conducted in tagalog. kung kelan naman nagpa-practice ako mag-english. nakakatamad.
on sun will be kuya rodel's bday. we'll be going to their place. we, meaning, me, mom and dad. bro will be in cavite with his family so it's just gonna be the 3 of us. my cousin dada will be there but for sure he'll be busy since he'll be bringing the gf along. ang corni. parang ayoko na pumunta. indeed one of the times when being single sucks.. punta nalang kaya ko sa feast..
sighs..
--
the past week had been action pack im finding it hard to get back to my normally boring life. char.
2 more weeks and action na ulet. will i make it? will jay and i make it? will it matter if we do? sometimes i dont know why im doing all these anymore...
02:22 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
dusted cobwebs on our RAVE site and browsed a few articles we wrote when i came across yang's "5 to 7" article and read this:
"I still like the idea of that kind of love that never grows old. Like even when you’re both old and wrinkly and can’t have sex anymore, you’d still feel happy waking up beside each other."
and this:
"Arielle: They say that no love is perfect but then, they never met you."
i cant beloeve id say "awwwwww" on this.
Happy weekend, everyone.
03:58 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
If u hug ur pet long enough, tight enough.. Will that prevent them from dying?
Tanga is sick. I think she's dying. My eyes hurt for crying already. She's been unwell for weeks and since last Fri, she was getting worse. A vet once told us that once dog's eyes get sunken, then it cannot be saved. I'm not liking what I'm seeing in thang's eyes. She can't leave me.
Usually, when our dogs get this sick, we tell them that it's OK. That they can rest. So that they can peacefully go.
I just can't do that to thangs... You see, she is not just our dog. She is MY dog. She's MY thangs. She can't die. Oh, God..
I told her to stay strong. I told her not to leave me. I know that I'm being selfish. Can u blame me?
I don't know how can I wake up each morning without her licking my face. Or go home from work without her wagging her tail at the sight of me. It was her who made things a whole lot better when I'm sad... I mean, really... How can I let her go?
I've spent one third of my life with thangs... I don't know how to spend the rest of it without her. Alam ko nmn n nmmatay talaga ang mga hayop... But God, please... Pengi p pong time....
06:00 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
my eyes sear. for the past 5 days since my dog got "sicker" than she already was, my eyes were practically a built-in irrigation system. today, the side effect (aka, eyebags, redness and swelling) got worse, makeup doesnt seem to have much effect...
so inside this 4-story building, im wearing sunglasses. thank you very much.
----
my baby thangs is getting weaker. i refused to call the vet because of what happened to yuri the last time. i told mom im gonna sell my stocks to send thangs to a big hospital for animals. mom said it could be too late for that. she said i should accept it and let thangs rest.
i tried remembering my relationship with thangs since the day she was born. i only hurt her once and i only did that so she would let go of our other dog who was trapped bleeding between her teeth. even when she would playfully bite me to the point that it hurts, i never spanked her or anything...
i think i have been a good human to my dog. And, just this one time, im going to be selfish.
we've lost a number of dogs before and all the time they would just die only when we've told them that it's ok. that they could rest. i think it's sort of some magic words for dogs. im not sure too. mom said i should let thangs go already. i hate to see her suffering too.. but i cant. i cant. i stopped telling her to fight though. i wish she would just decide on her own if she wants to stay with us or not. im so sorry thangs... if only i could do something. anything. im sorry.
i dont know when this crying fiesta would stop. i wish thangs will just get well soon. i know. i know. pets die too sometimes.. still, i want to ask the Heavens for more time. And by more time, i dont mean days, or months.. i mean years.. maybe 10 or 20 or so. i know that's impossible, but we cannot really limit what the Heavens can do, right?
just a mental note though. if this crying fiesta continues, ill be needing to scout for sunglasses with corrective lenses because bad eyesight and walking along EDSA dont seem to go too well together.
12:32 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
why,
i cant hear anything.
did i just turn....
...
deaf?
10:30 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
holiday monday at work but im not complaining. this is one of those really rare times when i can leave home to work later than the usual and still not get late. how can i complain?
fast paced life is getting back on. i barely had time to mourn for losing my baby thangs but it doesnt mean i didnt. i stopped crying, alright. But whenever i see the couch i used to find her in, or whenever im in the bathroom and remember how she used to knock on our bathroom door to make me get out because she was going to eat (my dog required audience when eating). Or when i no longer have to cut some of my baon to share with my thangs... it still sends me to tears sometimes. ive always been scared of ghost, pero iba pala pag mahal mo yung nawala.. im not scared of seeing thangs as a ghost.. i actually long for it.. oh, man, i think ill start crying if i go on writing this.
jeez.. ok. moving on...
saturday was eventful. i thought we were just having the usual training session with g, until he proposed that we continue the coaching in his car kasi better ang audio. he then drove off. bought pancit and cake then drove some more. we continued training in the car even when it was moving. i was crafting and delivering evaluation speeches while the car was moving! it was epic!
then we found ourselves in a mayamanin house with a lot of crystals and glass displays which made jay gasp everytime her daughter, margaux, moves in fear that the little girl would break something. i can relate. i can barely move myself back there. i cant remember agreeing to come. i just found myself there. i guess that's just g's style. he would not let you know what's happening so you wouldnt have the chance to decline.. in a way, im glad that he brought us there.
that night, the officers of the oldest TM club in the philippines was having their meeting and g asked to have us with them so that we can deliver our speeches and have the core members of that club evaluate us. most of the members, by the way, were... how can i say it in a better term? well, old (sorry, i have limited vocabulary). which also meant that they were as knowlegable as they were wise because they've been into TM for a long time. it was also star-studded because among them were 2 showbiz personalities. one was a beauty queen and one was an actor.
the host(the owner of the house), they said, was the founder of TM in the philippines. she's this elegant woman who's probably in her 60's. she was no-nonsense and rather intimidating that when g announced that jay and i will be delivering our speeches, we were both asking, "ano tong napasok naten?" or "uwi nalang kaya tayo..."
when we got there, the members first had their meeting so jay, margaux and i waited at the dining area where a sosyal sosyalang buffet was waiting for us. it was about 7pm then. they finished their meeting, and we started eating. ang sarap ng food, men.. haha.. eventhough g basically just brought us there without so much prior knowledge on what we were heading to, thankful narin ako na binitbit nya kami duon. it was a "wow, ganito pala ang bahay ang mayayaman!" and "wow, ganito pala kumain ang mga mayayaman!" moment. i really enjoyed it.
when we were finished with our dinner, the dilemma continued. jay delivered her speech, i evaluated her, then they evaluated us. i was sure grilled, but i learned a lot. when their evaluation for jay was finish, the beauty queen among them sort-of brought jay to the sala and thought her how to stand and how to walk. i was dying to learn that too, but the host and the rest of the members was still grilling me at that time so i had to stay planted on my seat. how sad. that was a once in a lifetime moment to learn from a beauty queen.. why Lord?? huhu! char! haha!
i think it was about 11 at that time and they told jay and margaux(jay's daughter) that they can go home since she was already finished and just so that the little girl(margaux) can sleep already. so i was left to evaluate the actor among them. he was apparently their representative for the humorous speech contest. the other reason why they made jay go home was so that she wouldn't see his speech because they'll be competing with eachother for the same category.
before i delivered my evaluation for Mr. Actor, i was told to apply all their suggestions and observations for me back in my evaluation for jay. i was dead scared that Mrs. host will get angry if i mess up this time so nag performance level talaga ko. i might've did well because tita remy then shook my hand and told me, "good job".. even Mrs. Host said, "inapply mo yung mga sinabi namin." still, meron parin silang nakita, which im very happy about because it added up to my learning. the whole meeting ended up at past 12 and as usual, i hitched a ride with g up until mentor's place in fairview. he woke mentor up to open the gate and they both waited until i ride the bus home.
it's weird. that guy, mentor. i wonder, is he always that gwapo pag bagong gising??? lol.
just a week before the contest. if i lose, all will end there. no more trainings, hindi na kailangang magpuyat. hindi na kailangan kabahan. hindi na kailangan gumawa ng mga bagay na way outside ng comfort zone ko. parang si cinderella after ng ball? ganun. the best of the best from all areas will compete. i dont know what my chances are. i know how good some of them can be.. hindi parin talaga ako ganun ka comfortable sa english. still, i dont want to make it too easy for them to beat me. how can i do that? i dont know.
thankful narin ako sa experience... still ayoko parin talaga na mag end ng ganito lang. nakakalungkot kasi e.. parang sayang yung effort. ni g. ni mentor. yung mga taong nag-evaluate samen last sat. nakakalungkot kasi yung ganun. basta, im going to do my part, tapos neto, bahala na.
gusto ko paring manalo.
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g texted me that i was one of the 30 TMs chosen to be invited to tita remy's surprised bday party on sat. same date ng contest. i dont know who among our club members were invited or kung meron man lang ba akong kakilalang darating. sigurado akong iiinvite yung iba sa club namin, ang question lang naman e kung makakarating sila. siguro naman invited din si jay and she's so likely to come so im hopeful. mejo mayamanin din ang angkan ni tita remy, tas ang gaganda pa ng lahi nila. i thought of declining kasi nakakahiya... pero naalala ko lang na "do something that scares you"... so i confirmed my attendance. sa totoo lang, mas kinakabahan pa ko dito kesa sa contest.
the contest, by the way, is going to be held in some mini theater. so this time, sa isang legit na stage kami mag de deliver ng speech. mahiyain talaga akong tao, pero nalaman ko sa toastmasters na wala ako stage fright at hindi ako nahihiya pag nagsasalita sa harap ng stage. kaso naisip ko rin na it could be because we were delivering our speeches in an elevated platform at hindi naman talaga actual stage. this will be the first time na mag iispeech ako sa as in stage talaga. im bothered because im feeling more excited than scared at the thought. kasi baka kung kelan nandun na ko at mag iispeech na e baka saka naman ako dapuan ng kaba. well, bahala na. sa ngayon, naeexcite talaga ako. kahet ako, nawiwirdohan din na ganito ang nararamdaman ko.
limang tulog nalang... grabe, suspense to.
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PS: mentor tagged some photo showing the contestants for the upcoming contest with the question that went into something like, "who will be the next champion?" or something..
gosh...ayan na, ayan na... kinakabahan na ko... T_T
02:15 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
today's gonna be a long day.
will be meeting nini after work to perform some future bridemaid's duties (aka, gown fitting).
she sent me the picture of the gown. i was touched kasi tinake nia talaga into consideration ang braso ko..haha..
it was an off shoulder gown that supposed to be reaching the heels. tight on the waist tas from there bagsak na yung tela so walang risk na makita ang caterpillar curves ko so i love the design. i love the color too.. sana lang bagay saken.
time flies so fast..
and jeez... im #foreverbridesmaid still. lol.
i joked to nini about just handing me the bouquet instead of tossing it and also for her to invite a lot of single men as a charity act for the sake of my lovelife. i swear i was just joking but for some reason, i think nini was buying it. takte tooo.. huhu.. i hope she wont embarrass me at the wedding. huhu talaga. i just learned that shara will not be joining the entourage anymore because she cant practically get separated with her just-over-a-year-old daughter, sophie..
ang bilis ng panahon.. dati exams, crushes, chismis, career... tas ngayon wedding, marriage at baby na ang nagpapaikot sa mundo ng mga kaibigan ko. honestly, i dont feel any hint of envy inside me because if id be true to myself, i know that im not ready for these yet. in fact, im not so sure if ill ever be ready. still, i hope hindi ako forever na hindi ready. well, sana naman hindi.
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another long day tomorrow as i agreed to meet g and attend another club so that i can practice doing evaluations. unti unti nang nag sisink in saken ang lahat ng haharapin ko sa sabado. ayan na naman yung doubt. i wonder what made me think na pwede akong manalo.... wahh!! takte, kinakabahan ako..whew! --- well, at least sensyales lang to na normal pa ko. wahhh! leche! bat ko ba ginagawa to sa sarili ko??!! huhu.
kaitlyn's back home. it's virtually impossible to practice at home when kaitlyn is around especially when she can now say the word "tita" perfectly. she often calls my name when she wants a playmate or when she wants someone to read books for her. sometimes she doesnt really have to call me.. she only has to squeal or laugh or whatever and that will surely make her tita come rushing to shower her with hugs and kisses. bat ba kasi ang ku cute ng mga bata??
sana naman hindi ko hiyain ang sarili ko sa contest...
...
then a shift:
naalala ko lang bago yung area contest. it was thangs who comforted me when i was feeling down and doubting myself. i pains me so much na ngayon wala nang thangs.. na hindi na magkakaron ng thangs.. why, God? why?
03:23 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
five days since my baby thangs died and i found myself crying again. i miss her so much i want her back..
if i pray hard enough, will she come back? i dont know.
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contest fast approaching. eto na naman yung di makakain di makatulog episode. even just the thought of food makes me want to puke. g mentioned about making our oct meeting 1st and 2nd fri instead of 1st and 3rd because most of our members will be going to midcon.. and probably, kami rin daw ni jay... kung mananalo kame.. take note: KUNG MANANALO KAMI..
parang nakakalungkot. parang ang saya kasing pumunta sa davao with them.
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tamad na tamad akong mag prepare for the contest lately. kanina, i tried listening to some evaluation speech contest tips chuchu in youtube and i ended up sleeping.
in life, i learned that the secret in winning lies in one's desire to win. na susurpass non ang ability nia or ng opponents nia. im a living testament to this. iniisip ko kung nasaken pa ba yung desire.. or kung sino ba yung nagbibigay ng desire. or kung tayo lang ba ang gumagawa ng desire. or kung paano ba magkakaron ng desire. grabe ang daming tanong.
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nakakaantok. nakakatamad. i had just about 2 hours sleep after meeting nini last night. might be going home late ulet since magkikita kami ni g sa ma**life mamaya para makapag evaluate ako ng mga TMs dun for pratice. antok na antok ako sana hindi ako ma spaced out. mas masaya sana kung nandun nalang ulet si jay. masaya rin namang kasama si g.. pero sa ngayon gusto ko ng makakaintindi ng di makakain di makatulog moment ko. jay would, because we're on the same boat.
ano't ano man.. sana manalo kami ni jay.. ng gold. kasi pag hindi gold, edi wala rin. silver and bronze will not bring us to midcon anyway...
so sana gold.
03:45 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
