Entries for May, 2017
It's just Tuesday and I'm calling it a wrap at work already. Oh, I love Japanese holidays!
No plans for my longest weekend of the year so far. I think that's a plan in itself. I wonder if other people feel excited too at the thought of staying at home for straight 5 days.
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A friend showed me a black cylindrical thingy about 2.5 inches long that had a cross-sectional area about the size of a 25 centavo coin.
Friend: Alam mo kung ano to?
Z: *shakes head to say no*
Friend: hawakan mo. *while handing the thingy to me*
Z: ano to?
Friend: pindutin mo.
I noticed a tiny button on top of the thingy and pressed it just as I was told. The thingy vibrated on my hand.
Z: adik.. *handing the thingy back*
Z: ayan pala yun? para sa 'inyo'(gays) yan?
Friend: hindi, para sa inyo (women) rin.
Z: ahhh... Bat ang liit?
Friend: may sizes yan.
Z: ahhhh.
Friend: ita-try ko lang.
Z: ngayon ka palang gagamit?
Friend: oo. Kakagamit ko palang. Tas hinawakan mo.
Z: eeeeew!
The Friend said 'joke lang' afterwards. I hope he's telling the truth. Lol.
Feeling ko nabahiran ang innocence ko today... CHAROT!
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Was cleaning up my stuff when I saw old letters from friends and special people in my life ages ago. I wonder if these people remember that they've ever given me a letter.
I saw the penmanship I'm very much familiar with. It's the day and age when we take pictures of everything so I took a picture of that little card I've read countess of times.
Matalagal naman na. Siguro OK na. And if OK na, siguro pwede na maging friends ulet.
Post ko sana sa IG tas ita-tag kita...
Kaso weird.
Tas naisip ko, send ko nalang sau sa messenger.
Kaso flirty ba? Baka magkagulo... Wait.
Ugh. Ayun. The picture ended up rotting in my phone not reaching the one I've took the picture for.
Chicken.
...
OK na nga e... Dapat hindi ka na ganyan, Z.
10:22 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
What I LIKE most about you is how you make me feel assured that things are going to be okay. Virtual presence mo lang, ganun na ang effect...
What I LOVE most about you is... you.
...
Well, okay na naman. Still, salamat sa pagmamahal. Kahit anong klaseng pagmamahal pa yan.
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Madalas nagpapagupit ako ng buhok pag brokenhearted. Hindi naman ako brokenhearted. Sadyang irita lang sa init at sa everyday bad hair day habit ng buhok ko.
Had a haircut today. The usual Bob. I love Bob. I asked the parlorista na gusto ko mejo angled at mas mahaba sa isang side. Sinunod naman ni ateng. Galing nya nga e. I actually liked the cut only I didn't expect it to be this short.
Club's anniversary party on 19th. Filipiniana ang theme. I'm actually scouting for a gown kasi I intend to wear one. How can I make rampa in a gown with a super short hair like this? Ayun lang naman. Dapat pala, hinintay ko muna matapos ang mga rampa events like this bago ko nagpagupit. Nakakainis ang init, nalulusaw tuloy common sense ko.
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Okay, ikaw ulet...
Pwede kaya?
....
Parang hindi no? Sige na nga...
10:34 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Anyare? Two days on my bakasyon grande and wala parin akong nagawang something productive.
Was out yesterday, so dapat today ako magbabasa, maglilinis at magpa plano ng buhay ko... Kaso...
Spent half of the day cooking my own breakfast. Magla lunch na ko natapos. Itlog lang niluto ko inabot pa ko ng ilang oras. Pero may hinalo naman akong iba dun sa itlog.
Nalaman ko lang na hindi pala normal na ilang oras iniispend ng tao sa pagluluto nung minsang pinagluto kami ni gabby.
Gabby: alam mo ba 2 hours kong niluto yan.
Z: *stares at gabby unsure of what to say*
Kasi I didn't know which of these yung ibig nyang sabihin.
1. 2-hours akong nagluto, matagal yun.
2. 2-hours akong nagluto, mabilis yun.
3. 2-hours akong nagluto, sakto lang yun.
Good thing, Ivan came to the rescue and said, "wala syang idea sa sinasabi mo, gabby." Which was absolutely accurate.
Mula non, sinubukan ko nang dalasan ang kitchen experiments ko para pag may cooking related convo, hindi na ko masyado magmukhang eng eng.
I remember when Jay saw a picture of what I was trying to cook (there was kangkong, egg, tofu, etc in the picture), she said, "I'm still wondering ano luto ng sinigang na may egg at tofu." I wasn't even thinking of sinigang. Lol. Pag may kangkong ba, ibig sabihin, sinigang ang iluluto? I have no idea. Lol.
Pero wala naman akong balak na maging chef levels. Gusto lang marating yung at least hindi eng eng levels. Ganun.
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I rarely watch tv. Tas yung kaisa isang palabas na pinapanood ko, malapit na matapos. This is heartbreaking. Huhu. Pa-extend pa kahit 1 year lang ang enca pleaaaassseeee... T_T
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Thoughts on Tito sotto: .... Wala. Hahahaha. Siguro OK lang yung minsan wala kang opinion sa mga bagay bagay.
I grew up watching eat bulaga and I've heard the "na-ano lang" joke countless of times and it was funny then. No one made a big deal out of it even the people to whom the term was used for. Sa tingin ko, it's all a matter of deposits and withdrawals in people's emotional bank accounts. Tito sotto had very little to deposit and made a huge withdrawal kaya now he's nearly bankrupt. I guess it would be best for him if he will just let the issue die down. He's making it worse by defending himself or finding someone or something else to blame.
Wait, teka, kala ko ba wala akong opinion? Hahahaha!
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"Bakit yung picture sa phone mo puro lalaking kita dede?" My titas will probably say something like this in case they'll get a hold of my phone. If it's mom, I bet she wouldn't mind.
Partner sent a picture of his dog with him on a couch all to say he's home. Apparently we're both #teambahay on our super long weekend.
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TM Friday tomorrow. It's ridiculous to travel 2-3 hours or 4-6 hours total just to get to a 2.5 hours meeting na pwede ko naman i-skip.
IKR.
07:21 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
My head pulsates. I can't function. Got home late. Slept at past 3am. Woke up with the sound of birds chirping. The last time, a baby bird fell off with it's nest in our bathroom. Now that we had our ceiling installed already, I wonder if the birds had built their nest on it na... They're still chirping as I write this. Hindi pala masaya makarining ng nature's sound pag masakit ulo.
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Was scouting something to wear when I got hold of this Disney bracelet that partner gave me years back.
"Think of a wonderful thought," it says. This is the nicest and probably the most expensive bracelet I have (this is a Disney couture bangle bracelet). But today, it has proven to be more than it's worth.
Think of a wonderful thought.
Salamat, Peter Pan.
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Hindi siguro makatarungan na naaalala lang kita pag nalulungkot ako.
I know.
03:30 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
We use to chat nonstop, then suddenly we don't seem to have anything in common anymore.
Bff: bading
Z: yo
Bff: wala lang
Bff: masaya mode
Z: anyare?
Bff: wala lang.
Bff: masaya lang.
*silence with kuliglig in the background.
Siguro dahil masakit lang yung ulo ko pero promise, hindi ko talaga alam kung paano sasagot sa ganitong klaseng convo.
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Ang pinakapaborito kong part sa I love you, I'm drunk e yung ending. Yung part na sinabi ni Carson na 'gradweyt na tayo, gradweyt na ko," tapos bumalik na sa normal ang lahat at naging masaya ulet...
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Hindi ako naniniwala sa closure. Mas gusto ko yung silently nalang kayong lalayo sa isa't isa without incurring any further damage, leaving each other's pride intact.
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Feeling ko masyadong masalimuot ang mga naranasan ko sa love department nitong mga nagdaang taon, hindi ko na tuloy alam kung paano magrespond sa mga taong masaya.
10:26 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
got hold of a deepak chopra book that i love love love so much. its about the 7 spiritual laws of success. im on the first law palang at hindi na ko nakausad.
-2 hours of silence (dont talk, dont watch tv, dont listen to music, dont read--- i can do the rest except the "dont read" part. didnt know this could be so hard. and it's only 2 hours!!)
-1 hour meditation (30min in am, 30min in pm)
-practice non-judgment (dont classify, dont label, dont evaluate, dont analyze. hindi ako judgmental na tao sa pagkakaalam ko, yet i failed in all of these miserably.)
-expose yourself in nature (i practically live in the mountains. this is piece of cake.)
ayun. i really want to master this. feeling ko, feeling ko talaga, may mararating ako pag namaster ko to.
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first working day after golden week, i was supposed to wake up at 3:30, tas almost 6:00 na ko nagising. ended up taking a halfday leave.
sakit ba yung lagi kang hindi makatulog the night before monday?
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ang daming ganap. for a hardcore homebody, nakakatawa na hindi ako makikita sa bahay.
parang ang ganda nung talk sa feast yesterday, too bad i was out and wasnt able to go. sayang, nandun si sha.
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overall, i feel ok na. i feel positive that things are going to be alright. i even feel excited about so many things, that sometimes i feel like my heart is going to burst.
talaga palang after the rain, may rainbow...
minsan din talaga, mapapangiti ka nalang at maiisip mong, "ang bait ng Diyos"...
02:55 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
I'm basically floating. I've been insomnia-free for some time at kung kelan least ko syang kailangan, saka sya nagbabalik. 2-days na kong di natutulog. My gawd... T_T
meeting gabby for some club anniversary-related stuff tonight.
tomorrow night, partner and i will attend some networking event for multilinguals in makati.
i dont know where to squeeze sleep. hopefully, friday will be free because the weekends look like it's going to be action-packed.
ok lang naman. not complaining. sana maging ok lahat.
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sabi nila, powerful daw ang words...
"Thank you Lord sa P200,000 per week passive income!!! Sobra sobra po yon, pero hindi po ako nagrereklamo. I'm so happy!!! wooohooo!!!!"
*repeat hanggang sa magkatotoo*
03:09 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
If only I was able to write here earlier, baka positive pa nasulat ko kaso ang dami kasing ganap. Sabi ang happiness daw ay inside job so kung laging ang daling maapektohan ng external factors ang kaligayahan ko, I'm probably doing it wrong.
At this very minute, I'm fed up. I guess one of my hardest struggles e yung desire ko to control things. Ewan. Nakakawalan ng gana.
Sana mabilis lang matutunang mag let go sa mga bagay bagay kasi ayoko ng ganitong feeling.
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Last night, partner and I went to some event. Hindi nameet yung expectations namin pero overall, I'm glad that I went. Before the event kasi, partner brought me to some yayamaning condotel in ortigas where we stayed to freshen up and kill time. Partner paid for my access to their women's lounge thingy where there were sauna, steam bath, swimming pool and Jacuzzi. The place was posh. I remember the last luxurious place I've been to was in a 5-star hotel's executive suite that nini booked for us to stay nung wedding nya. Simpleng tao lang naman talaga ako but I don't deny that I enjoy occasional luxuries like these.
The catch was, wala ako damit pamalit especially underthingies. But boy, sayang ang moment, sayang ang bayad at sadyang inviting talaga yung Jacuzzi so I had to do it the way the Japanese do. Well, wala naman kasing tao, ako lang so Keri. Meron namang towel. Funny, I just ticked ski**ydi**ng off my bucket list. The sauna, the steam bath and the Jacuzzi were so good I felt like a princess for 45 minutes. Kung may extra underthingies lang ako I would've used the pool too tas talo talo na.
Nakakatuwa lang, ang bait ni partner.
Ang bait ng Diyos.
Ang bait ng langit.
Pwede, isa pa, Lord? Mga 2-hours naman. Hahahaha!
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But know what... All these nice things and yet I wouldn't trade the simplicity of just sitting next to you, talking.
Pero naiinis ako sayo ngayon at ayoko talaga yung feeling ng naiinis kaya lalo tuloy akong naiinis sayo.
Sighsss...
....
Sa tingin ko, dapat binibigyan ng deadline ang mga ganitong bagay...
Dapat before the month ends OK na ko. This I will do. Oh, pak this.
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We're meeting meguri on Friday. Lack of sleep continues. I can't look forward on anything kasi nga naiinis ako.
A little more than a week will be our club's anniversary. Hindi na daw pupunta si neri. I don't know how to convince her. Lord, can you fix all these for me?
06:15 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
gave my mom a hug today. Though kisses are constant in our family since we have a habit of kissing mom before leaving the house, hugs are rare. But then I don't want to wait until she can no longer feel my hugs anymore so I did it anyway. She just laughed. I found mom annoying most of the time but then I dread the day when she'll no longer be around to do the annoying things she do. To this day, mom remains to be the person that I love most in my life. To other women my age, it's probably their husband or kids or maybe at least a boyfriend. Saken ok na rin. I'm just happy that she's still around and hopefully she'll remain to be around for a super long long time pa.
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, MA!
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It was past 12 when we finished the meeting. I texted mom minutes ago but she wasn't replying. I thought they had fallen asleep waiting for me to go home. Mentor said, "sige para sayo hindi na ko matutulog. Manood nalang tayo ng DVD tas umaga ka na umuwi, " then they started planning which koreanovela to watch. I delighted at the thought of spending more hours with them just watching DVD, I actually wished my parents had actually fallen asleep. Parang ang saya kasi. Funny, I don't even watch koreanovela. E kaso mom replied afterwards so hindi rin nangyari. Nalungkot ako dun ha...
I've always thought that being mababaw, being appreciative, and finding delight in simpliest and littlest things are good traits. I still think they are, but then I realized that they actually have a downside.
Remember your deadline, z.
Fine.
10:34 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
10:52 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
-yey! thursday na! last working day of the week since im on leave.
-club anniv tom. wala pa kong pang closing remarks. panic!!
-final day ng enca bukas. nasa anniv dinner ako. bat naman ganun, universe?
-a few days back, gusto ko ng pancit canton. then kahapon, lugaw. tas ngayon chocolate. buntis ba ko?
-asa
11:01 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
"Wag kang malandi, zee. Wag kang gumaya kay za*.."
He could just be joking, but I believe there's always some truth in every joke. I don't know where did he get that from. I wasn't offended. I take the word 'malandi' as a compliment. Still, I'm curious what made him think so.
Zee is a cat by the way.
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Anniv over. This is the 2nd time I've attended our club's anniv pero 1st time to ever actively participate in organizing. The budget went higher than planned I feel sorry to those who had to spend their own money para mairaos ang event na to. This would probably add to the debts but still. Maybe we can think of some event that could raise funds no?
Will be mentoring one of the members. It was mentor ata who assigned me to the member. When I told her she can choose whichever she wants. she said she's ok with me daw if I'm ok with it. Of course, I'm ok with it. Wow, mentor na ko! I feel like I'm having a daughter or something. Sana magawa ko yung role ng maayos. You know how I can be biased to people who have roles in my life, right? Just how I'm biased with my mentor (I can debate how he's the best mentor ever and make sure I win), I'd probably be the same with my now mentee. Hindi ako confident but expect that I will do my best.
Was tasked to do the registration. It would've been lonely if it wasn't for neri. She accompanied me the whole time and I'm glad she did. It saddens me that her going to law school will make it impossible for her to go back to the club. I really love this girl. We're probably sisters in our past lives.
Had an afterparty chat over coffee with neri and Bea. I intended to go home by morning, but when the clock stroke 1, my head started pounding so we had to call it a night. I love how bea's so insightful. I think we have a similar way of thinking. I know what these girls and I have in common, Bea and neri. They are good women. I pray in my heart that these girls will find whatever it is that will make them truly happy.
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I grew up in a family where women are spoiled brats who can get what they want by just acting cute, getting angry or looking kawawa. (But in our defense, the women in my family are sweet). If I am to get married, I need to find someone who can tolerate and handle my inner kamalditahan, otherwise, I need a total character overhaul. Fat chance to the latter.
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By the way Bea described her boy, it's very apparent that he's a rake and a high quality one at that. I've seen rakes but only the half hearted jerks who didn't know how to maximize their own potential. I'm intrigued. I want to know how one can grow into that level. I'm suspecting that I have some siren's quality in me too. A rake's female counterpart. I want to learn how to make the most out of this.
Neri said that the battle we started with her shark is starting to take effect. I'd love to see the end of this but neri will be busy with law school so we have to withdraw. I've always been fascinated with psychology since I was young and I'm seeing this whole psychological warfare as an adventure.
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"Nakakapagod magmahal ng walang patutunguhan no? "
This, I told neri and I know she too can relate. The 1st law of seduction is to "choose your victim". If it's not working, you might as well find another one. I hope it's that easy.
11:10 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
some bad news. i feel like the Universe is pushing me to the edge.
pag nasa rock bottom ka na daw, makakagawa ka ng incredible feat.
i know this feeling. that feeling like your chest is being tighten into a knot. and your insides too.
pure hell. ive been here.
i believe that the Universe operates in patterns, because God is an organized god. He didn't place things at random. all are systematically arranged and each has a purpose. parang planets na umiikot sa axis in patterns. parang DNA or yung atoms. kaya merong clues, may chance i-replicate ang results.
i remember after pure hell comes bliss. at least, that was what happened back then. umaasa ako na the same pattern applies this time around. well, as to that, we will see.
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the air felt tight. im not liking this. bigla ko tuloy namiss sina mina at mel. i hope things get better once we get a hold of the changes. sa ngayon, hindi ako masaya.
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when depressed, i eat and sleep a lot. as far as i know, hindi naman ako depressed, troubled lang. but lately ive been having 2 to 3 servings of rice per meal. PER MEAL, pre. what the fudge. i dont even eat rice on a regular basis.
buntis ba ko? eto na ba ang susunod na immaculate conception since Mama Mary? (joke lang po, Lord. Peace!)
thankfully, my clothes still fit. until when, im not so sure.
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ang buhay ko ay sumasabay sa gloominess ang langit ngayong magtatag-ulan na naman.
gusto ko ng ulan kasi pinapaganda nya lahat ng bagay na madadaanan nya. parang yung mga dahon at bulaklak pag umuulan.
siguro ganun ata talaga ang pattern. parang holy week. kailangan mong pagdaanan ang gloominess ng maundy thursday, good friday at black saturday para mas lalo mong maappreciate ang saya ng easter.
nasa anong araw na ba ko? sana black saturday na, para bukas easter naman.
01:09 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
My eyes sting. Either because of the chemicals from paint or the smoke from the mosquito coil. Borrowing my brother's room tonight. Mine was freshly painted with primer and the place is a total mess. good thing, brother, wife and kid are not home. I'm loving this room's dim light so far, I have to commend my sis-in-law for the idea. I guess I'd try to convince mom to change one of the light bulbs in my room into something faint and yellow too. Ganda e.
They will be painting my room in a light yellow color. If I have the money, I would want a built-in upper deck as my bed kahit maliit lang then the space below will be for book shelves and closet. If it's up to me, I want my room to be a mini library. Tas may dim light tas couch. Tas jazz music in the background. Sobrang perfect nun. Maybe I can have a keyboard/piano too by the side that I can play, tas syempre table and chair na gagamitin ko pag magsusulat ako. Ang saya! Pag nagkataon, baka hindi na ko umalis ng bahay.
Need to gather all my charm to convince mom into having all these done for me. My mom's been so invested in fixing my room after all. It's almost as if she's pretty certain I won't leave the house na. Like I'm not gonna get married and all. Sakeeeet. Lol.
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Met gabby yesterday for some vp ed duties. My term will start by July pa. I'm not so sure why we're doing this so early. I guess, he's just being gabby.
I'm not feeling as good about our club lately. Siguro naninibago lang ako. I miss neri and jay's absent most of the time kaya siguro mejo iba yung vibe for me. But as long as gabby and Ivan are there, sa tingin ko, magiging okay parin naman lahat.
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Multilingual night on the 30th. Of course, partner and I are attending. I hope we'll meet interesting people. Dapat siguro nagsisimula na kong may diet. Pak.
Signed up for a ministry at the feast nearest my place. They are yet to contact me. I hope they will soon. This is an effort to expand my world some more. My world has remarkably expanded since I joined Toastmasters. I'm not sure if I've seen all there is but I guess it wouldn't hurt to try another venue. Besides, mas masaya siguro mag simba pag meron kang friends na kasama. The friends I made at the feast are all attending in bay area. Mejo malayo, teh. so I guess, ill try making new ones nalang. Plus, training ministy was what in signed up for, kahit papano makakapag practice ako ng public speaking skills ko. I'm excited. I hope I can get in.
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Magulo parin ang mundo ko. Hindi naman ako makapag reklamo sa Universe dahil alam kong hindi ko pa nagagawa lahat ng part ko to fix things. Minsan feeling ko, kailangan kong i-develop ang sense of urgency ko sa mga bagay bagay.
Heavens, can you just fix all these for me even without me doing anything about it?
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You invited the lion alone in a den with you. That was very dangerous. If I didn't know better, I'd think you're willing to become a victim.
A pro act without thinking about the consequences.
..
I guess, I'm still an amateur.
10:54 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
If we always long for–if we always seek–ONLY those that are unattainable, what does that say about our self-respect?
Confronted the Heavens for clarity.
Boy, the answer was swift.
...
Then, I'm back to day 1.
07:44 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
i know this feeling.
that feeling where littlest things piss you off.
where sadness pierces and you feel like you're never gonna be happy again.
where you want to snap at every little remark eventhough they're not exactly offensive.
and...
oh yes, you eat so much like a construction worker.
damn PMS.
----
have to run to the cage's another site just to have my APE done. im probably going to be on red alert soon so i have to go there quick because apparently, blooded sample wont do.
this is the time of the month when it's best for me to stay home or remain silent as best as i could lest id get into a fight. believe me, this is quite a feat.
sa lahat ng nasungitan ko so far.. maniwala kayo.. im considerably nicer on normal days.. T_T
03:26 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
tuesday payday. it feels so much like friday.
will be exhausting my social juju laters for some multilingual night with other multilinguals from different accounts. im feeling so much like a hermit right now id rather go home early but i guess it wouldnt hurt to meet new people that hopefully share the same interest. hope this event will turn out to be a good one.
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i learned years ago how i do not have to explain myself on why i do the things i do or choose the things i choose and the like. i guess i have to relearn these all today.
we know in part. we understand in part. sometimes people behave as if they know everything even when they have no idea about your whole story. i wouldnt get pissed of on a normal day. it's just that im PMSing now so i am indeed pissed off. but this will pass.
i have high regards for people who somehow managed to retain some degree of their innocence although i think most of it is an act. but then ignorance is something i repulse.
i hate hating things/people so i have to stop now.
03:31 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
inaantok ako. inaantok ako. inaantok ako. pag paulit ulit ko bang sinabing inaantok ako mababawasan ba yung antok ko?
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would've had an ample sleep (in my world, ample means 4 hours) if i didnt spend what remained of my sleeping time chatting a girl-friend up until past 1 am.
last week, i asked this friend if she's really not interested with a certain target. she said no, so i told her, im taking it. she said sure.
then just last night, she said she's interested now. Mejo magulo. Pero ok lang naman. Im just glad that she was honest so i can at least step back.
if the friend succeeds, she might end up with a good beau. if not, then im taking the game back.
All is fair in love and 'war'.
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socializing event last night drained so much of me. i think i need to go on a hermit mode for a week to recuperate.
10:59 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
