Entries for April, 2017


Wednesday. April 5, 2017

Orange

Just got home when mom told me na wala na ang pusa naming si orange. She was killed by our dog mongee just a few hours before I got home. We all know how our dogs are that's why we usually make sure they won't see eachother. Ang hirap lang kasing i-process na namatay syang walang kalaban Laban. I only have my parents to blame since I can't really blame the dog. 

Iniisip ko kung nagkataon bang I was home then, will I be able to prevent this from happening? Maybe yes, maybe no. Alam ko namang my parents are old and do not have the strength and speed necessary to deal with things like this, so syempre, si God naman yung naisip ko. Minsan kasi parang mas nakakagaan ng loob pag meron kang masisisi. Pero kahit naman gawin ko pa yon hindi ko na mababalik pa si orange. 

Naiinis ako. Naiinis talaga ko. 


Written by cinderellaareus at 09:26 PM.

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Thursday. April 6, 2017

Justice

Yung crush ko gumagwapo. Ako tumataba. 

Nasan naman yung hustisya dun, Lord? 


Written by cinderellaareus at 11:03 PM.

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Saturday. April 8, 2017

Control vs faith among other things

I picked 2 Polo shirts and 1 t-shirt in the most baby friendly fabrics I can find. I love shopping for baby clothes. I admit there is that longing that someday I'd be shopping clothes for a baby that is my own. 

It was my nth inaanak's 1st birthday. Injan's baby boy. 

Injan and I sat by the couch. I realize how hard it is to talk to a friend you miss in between a stressful kiddie party. 

"Naalala mo ba nung high school graduation? Bago umuwi, di ba nagpaiwan tayo sa quadrangle para magkwentuhan tungkol sa mga pangarap naten? "

Injan's face lighted up. I knew she remembered. We can no longer recall the dreams that we had then though. 

A lot of things changed. Ang bait lang ng langit, He gave me friends I was able to keep this long. 

I asked injan if she's OK and if she misses being single. She said she does, but whenever she's with her son, worth it rin naman daw ang pagiging married. 

I met her husband for the first time. I felt relieved and happy that he actually seemed to be a good man. 

-----

TM night last night. I was one of the speakers. The vote master was announcing the winner then and when he mentioned my name, I just stared at him waiting for the punchline. Promise, akala ko talaga joke lang. I'm just happy that I was not only over with my least favorite speech project, I also ended up winning a limited edition pouch with the name of our club written on it. Grabe, gusto ko ngang ipa-frame to. 

Officers' meeting was held after. When u care, u get hurt with little things, and I hate that part. I can only respond with silence since I'm not so good at pretending to be all cool about things when I'm not. Nasan ba ko nung nagpasabog ang langit ng acting skills? 

Then I had a little chat over coffee with a friend after the meeting. Taught her how I "delete" feelings in order to skip heart breaks through some NLP technique. Her guy is a jerk and she knows that too. I think she needed it. I swore not to use the technique again though.

--------

He doesn't say sorry, doesn't like repeating himself and hates being interrupted. These are three of the things I don't like about him. But then he's just like the one-minute manager from ken blanchard's book, right. Maybe he really needs to be like that. I understand and accept. I still don't like it though. 

We can believe in the illusion of control, believe that we can(or should) change people. Or we can just have faith in the good things that we saw in them. In most cases naman, the bad rarely outnumber the good. Humans are complex beings. Control is so exhausting I prefer having faith. In a way, I think I'm starting to learn how to appreciate imperfections. Trust me, it's really hard if u have that perfectionist side in u. But I'm learning. 

Also, i realized, I'm not really afraid.

Boy, I'm in that loop again. It consumes so much time and emotion without guaranteed return. I wonder if I should once again be practical about it and do the easiest task of just "deleting" the feelings, skip all the drama and move on. But the guy involved is someone in have high respect for. I'm afraid that the respect would be "deleted" too if I do. 

Universe, okay na. Iba naman... 


Written by cinderellaareus at 11:09 PM.

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Sunday. April 9, 2017

Prelude

A few days back, I woke up with the message asking, "may magagalit ba kung makikipagkaibigan ako sayo?"

Makikipagkaibigan

Like I haven't heard that word before. I allowed a few exchanges and then the guy got blocked and unfriended. You've got to believe me if I tell you though that this girl is a whole lot friendlier most of the time.

Probably PMS. this is what I love about being a woman. You can almost always blame PMS for everything. 

------

There are these two people I care about. One is my storm and the other is my calm sea. One drives me crazy, pisses me off and gets me mad all at the same time, while the other soothes, calms, and fixes the turbulence that the other creates. 

You know how I care about my freedom, right? I can accept the fact that I can only influence people to a certain degree but they remain to be out of my control. What I cannot accept is me losing my control over myself. Of having someone else take too much space in my head to the point that it affects my day, my schedule and my life. 

So yeah... 

I think I'm heading to the easy way out. 


Written by cinderellaareus at 01:44 PM.

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Monday. April 10, 2017

Can't sleep

It is 1:03 am. I've been trying to sleep for hours, all without any success, I just gave up trying. 

Read Irish and she's giving a black sat sale daw of her books. I'm interested with the book and in meeting her too. And I know I'm not alone on this. OMG, I'm fangirling at 1 in the morning! 

----

Not OK in the heart front but I know I'll get over this soon. Siguro tama nga na hindi kailangan laging may romantic angle ang mga bagay bagay. I hope I can keep the friendship though. Kukulitin ko talaga ang Langit tungkol dito. 

----

Mom and I were having a talk while I pluck white hair off her scalp earlier–our kind of mother-daughter bonding. We talked about marriage, chismis, etc. I just realized that when mom was my age, she already had a 5-year old boy(bro) and a 4-year old girl(me). Will I ever get married? Do I really want to? 

Mahirap sumagot ng ganitong mga tanong pag disappointed ka sa sarili mong love life. 

Sana maging maayos din ang lahat. 

----

At least may mga bagay akong gusto kung saan hindi ako mabo brokenhearted. I. E. writing, mga writers na fina fangirl ko, books, etc. 

Holy week na pala. Gusto Kong may bisita iglesia kaso may pasok. 

Ano bang pwede Kong i-give up this week? Kaya ko kayang hindi mag Facebook? 

Ewan. Tingnan naten... 


Written by cinderellaareus at 01:23 AM.

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Tuesday. April 11, 2017

Holy Tuesday

The clouds are considerably darker and the future looks dim in some areas of my life. If only I live for myself alone, I wouldn't worry. Pero syempre, I have a family who relies on me. 

Sabi pag nasa rock bottom ka na daw, there's no way to go but up. Parang ayoko namang umabot pa sa part na yon. 

Nakakainis pag wala kang masyadong choices sa buhay. I wasn't like this... I used to have so much more. Sabi nila hindi daw healthy sa Tao pag masyado syang maraming choices. Pero pag ikaw kasi ung nasa ganitong sitwasyon, its just hard to think that way. 

"Buti nalang mayroong langit na nagtatanggol sa pag-ibig na pursigido't matyaga."

Mahal na mahal ko talaga ang kantang to.

Heavens, ipagtanggol mo ko ha...

------

Love department is not much different but at least it's not as urgent (or is it? ).

Was with the Rake. I feel like his kind are like vultures who can smell the wounded in 25 miles radius. Remember the old adage?

"Ang ibon madaling mahuli kapag nakatali. Pero mas madaling mahuli kapag may sugat."

What's good is that I just realized I'm immune pa pala. NLP had proven to be a good vaccine. Another thing that I realized though is that sometimes, those who make terrible (romantic) partners can make good friends. So don't burn bridges. Siguro it helps din na hindi naman talaga ko nagho hold ng grudge. 

Good point kasi ng mga Rake e yung masarap silang kasama. Pag magulo kasi ang mundo mo nakaka lighten up ng mga bagay bagay pag may kasama kang bolero. I hope with this, we can start being good friends. 

--------

Sa ngayon, gusto ko munang ayusin ang buhay ko. Sana maging maayos lahat. 


Written by cinderellaareus at 08:04 AM.

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Thursday. April 13, 2017

the Natural's view point

Holy Thursday at work. Not really complaining. I'd rather spend this day at home though, watching the usual holy week's special on tv. 

Just had breakfast. I'm loving McDonald's playlist. It baffles me how songs can send you into thinking of someone close to your heart, wishing that you can be with that person, right here, right now. 

I think, kahit yung mga pagsintang walang patutunguhan have it's own bliss so maybe there's no point of fearing your own feelings. That pretty much sounds like martyrdom, pero sa tingin ko, yung pain and hurt naman e hindi actually nag stem out of the feelings itself kundi sa mga expectations mo na hindi na-meet. Kaya siguro yung expectations ang tino-tone down at hindi yung feelings. 

Isn't it nice? I think I'm learning. Maybe I can use being like this until such time na ready na ang Universe na ibigay saken ang para saken. By then, siguro super better person na ko na super ready na for....  I don't know... Love? 

...

This realization doesn't keep me from missing that someone though. Maybe I'll outgrow this soon, but for now, let's keep it as it is and trust that my heart can handle everything. 

I will keep my side of the bargain. As for the rest, bahala ka na, Universe. 

--------------------

a lot of happenings in our club. met gabby yesterday at ivan's place to discuss some club anniversary related stuff that we're about to do.

discon, club anniversary, club outing and team building. Lord knows id love to join all these if it wasnt for a really tight budget. mom's 60th birthday on June and the expenses will surely be no joke. sabi sa nabasa ko, kung lagi ka nalang kulang sa budget, ibig sabihin, kulang ka sa imagination. siguro kailangang ko na talaga mag benta ng body parts.

election for the club officers on april 21. i was nominated as VP for education. i actually nominated myself as VP for membership because the position requires talking to guests (strangers) -- something i want to get better at. truth be told, 1 year in tm and i still feel like im gonna get sick whenever mentor asks me to entertain guests. if being an antisocial is a skill, im probably a genius. i didnt make a cut for the VP membership though. well, vp ed naman talaga gusto ko. but still, depende parin yun kung iboboto nila ko. as always, sigurado akong malulungkot ako kung hindi nila ko iboboto.

ok lang naman kung hindi ako magiging officer. nakakalungkot nga lang na mawawalan ako ng dahilan to hang out with gabby and everyone else in the club. well, i can always find other reasons naman, but still~

--------------------

grand feast this sun. will meet yang. moa arena. parang outer space. takte, walang mrt. huhu.

then some seminar next weekend with girls from the club. dahil ang passion ko naman talaga e "learning new things", i would normally get excited. well, excited naman ako. nakakaasar lang na activities like these are likely to drain so much out of my budget.

oh, please.. bilhin nio na kidney ko.. huhuhu. charot.


Written by cinderellaareus at 08:50 AM.

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Friday. April 14, 2017

Gloomy Friday

APAC people were in OB so it was just partner and I at work. I'm just glad that we got past that phase when we're constantly pissing each other off. Indeed, miracles happen the moment na mag decide kang mag focus sa good side ng mga bagay bagay at wag i-stress ang sarili sa bagay na hindi mo ma-control. As a whole, I think partner and I share a lot of things in common and minus the silly away-bata, I think we can make a good tandem. 

----

The air feels considerably gloomy today. If I remember it right, ganito rin ata last year. Ang lungkot lungkot ng hangin pag good Friday. Siguro kailangan din talagang pagdaanan to para mas ma appreciate naten ang Easter. 

Iniisip ko kung nasa good Friday lang din ba ko ng buhay ko. If so, then I only have to hang on for a few more days because, hey, easter's coming! 

----

Saw Cristina changed her profile pic in fb into some pic of her na black and white. She's my friend who passed away last year. The old self that I know would probably get creeped out at that. Ikaw ba naman, kung yung friend mo na mag wa-1 year na na deds e nag update ng profile pic, hindi ka ba matatakot? But I wasn't scared. Sometimes when I pass by the street that leads to their house in citrus, I remember her. I wonder what people do once they're in heaven na. Or meron nga kayang heaven? iniisip ko kung inimbento lang ba ng tao ang idea ng langit so that they won't feel so bad about dying.

I don't know what's true. Ang alam ko lang, sobrang limited lang ng buhay kaya hindi dapat sinasayang sa mga bagay na hindi naman mahalaga. Sabi mahahanap mo daw yung peace kung yung words at actions mo e in line sa nararamdaman mo. My words are barely keeping up with my feelings and my actions are nowhere nearby. Baka kaya walang peace. 

Ang ikli lang ng buhay... Dapat siguro, magsimula na akong mag build ng sarili kong peace. 


Written by cinderellaareus at 08:21 PM.

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Monday. April 17, 2017

Kero keropi and God

I look like a frog today. Had a crying fiesta at the grand feast yesterday so my eyes are all swollen. Grabe, sinipon ako dun. I normally cry sa feast and Wednesday mass ko, but yesterday was a little different. Bro. Bo explained why Jesus had to die and the different meanings that we used to associate with it. Nakakatuwa lang na nasagot ulet ung mga tanong ko before. I'm no religious and there are things I don't agree with na nasa Bible. Still, I think in a way, I developed a certain relationship with my God. He's silent most of the time, pero pag nagsisimba ko or pag nagfi-feast, alam kong sinasagot Niya yung tanong ko. Yun ata yung nakakaiyak na part. Yung malaman at maramdaman ng mahal ka rin ng Existence na mahal mo kahit hindi mo nakikita. I remember there was a point in my life when I asked myself if niloloko ko lang ba yung sarili ko in believing in something that may not be real afterall. I tried and only lasted being an atheist for a couple of days before going back to Christianity (Catholicism to be exact). Feeling ko kasi mawawalan ng saysay lahat kung walang Diyos. That was the day I told myself, screw it. Bahala na kung hindi totoo. E eto yung gusto kong paniwalaan. I think minsan kailangan din talaga naten kumapit sa isang bagay or idea n paniniwalaan naten till the end. Masaya ako sa naging choice ko. 

Si Jane, si Lourdes, si S*. Yan ang listahan ng taong hiningi ko sa Diyos at binigay nya right to my last specification. 

Trivia: S* is my partner at work. When the previous native Japanese I worked with left the company, I asked God to give me a new work partner who can speak English and tagalog para hindi ako araw araw na nano-nose bleed. Sabi ko gusto ko yung lalaki, gwapo at interested or ginagawa yung mga bagay na interested ako. Then there came a half Japanese half Korean dude who speaks fluent English and Tagalog, was a former radio DJ(I dreamed of becoming a DJ before) and was doing hostings as a sideline. And yes, gwapo. I mean, grabe si God di ba? Right to the last specification talaga. 

Pag naaalala ko to, lalo akong na eencourage na wag nang awayin ulit si s*. Lol. 

I have a prayer I've long been praying to the Heavens. Now I know that the God who gave me miracles before is still the same God. Kung mabuti para saken ang hinihingi ko, hindi Nya yun ipagdadamot. 

Ooops, shoot, naiiyak na naman ako. Hahahaha. Basta. 

I just feel super better now. I thank God for bro. Bo. isa syang malaking blessing para saken. 


Written by cinderellaareus at 11:40 AM.

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Tuesday. April 18, 2017

bad hair day and mathematics

another bad hair day.. gusto ko sana pahabain ang buhok ko pero badtrip yung gento e.. arrrrrrrrrrg!

---

back to work.

dead sleepy, but im leaving in a few.

i remember a friend told me just a couple of days ago, "pinagdasal mo pero wala kang ginagawa."

pinagdasal mo pero wala kang ginagawa.

may point naman e. gets ko. ewan ko.

kaya daw walang peace, kasi hindi in line yung nararamdaman mo sa sinasabi at ginagawa mo. kailangan ba talagang gawing complicated lahat? hindi ko rin kasi alam e.

nabasa (or narinig) ko before, ang sabi "some people you love, others, you marry." two separate things.. parang ang lungkot. mother, my sis-in-law, they both married the people they love. it didnt turn out perfect, but they are ok. dapat ba perfect? ewan ko...

---

a friend texted me last night because of some jerk she's crazy with. she's just a few years younger than me, i was surprised when i found out she's not familiar at all about the basics of exchanges with the opposite sex. the guy was a pure a**hole, i was itching to teach him a lesson, so i thought the friend what i know. i even texted her what to say.

nakakatawa lang. it feels nice to be back in the game but even better when you're just playing by the sidelines. i miss the adrenaline rush. i really wished to win this through the end with my friend kaso sumuko kagad sya. haha.

ang complex ng puso ng tao. parang math problems... have i told you how much i loved math problems?


Written by cinderellaareus at 04:02 PM.

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Thursday. April 20, 2017

"your truth is relative," i said

but can you defend your point, z?

..

well, i cant.

sabi ni tim ferriss, pag di mo madefine yung tanong at hindi mo mabigyan ng actionable solution that will lead to result, e i-ignore mo nalang. i think this passes tim ferriss' test, but my friend thinks otherwise. sino kaya samen ang tama?

..

sa tatlongpu't isang taon ko dito sa mundo, tinuro sakin ng buhay na walang nakakaalam sa kung ano mang mangyayari sa kinabukasan.

"Do not boast about tomorrow for you do not know what tomorrow may bringfort."- Proverbs 27:1

oh ha... biblical sya...

shhhheeeze. nakakainis.

siguro naiinis din ako kasi it's super posible that i just hate hearing someone else say these nagging suspicions ive been keeping and denying inside.

still, naniniwala ako na dapat, "never say die"... na malalaman mo lang na hindi para sayo ang isang bagay pag na exhaust mo na lahat ng kaya mong gawin in your power to get it... and i strongly believe na hindi naten dapat pinapangunahan ang kinabukasan... dahil wala naman talagang nakakaalam sa kinabukasan.

pero, sighs... ako kaya yung mali?

tsk.. ayawan na nga..

...

i rest my case, Universe.


Written by cinderellaareus at 12:42 PM.

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Thursday. April 20, 2017

jowk

alam ko namang joke lang...

pero di ba, jokes are half meant???

...

..

haha.

asa.


Written by cinderellaareus at 03:13 PM.

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Saturday. April 22, 2017

Awat na

Sa buhay, nabibigyan tayo ng choice na mag hang on or mag let go.

Hang on? Hindi ata applicable saken ang option na to. 

...

Ewan. Ang babaw ko kasi. I find joy in little things and I appreciate tiniest gestures from people... Kaya madalas pag napapalapit sakin, mamahalin ko... Pero hindi naman laging romantic ang pagmamahal di ba? Na ko confuse lang ba ko?

Kung yung mga selos selos anik naman, e normal na possesive naman talaga ako sa tao. Example, sa club namin. You know how i love the club, right? And everytime that there are guests showing a little interest in joining us, i see them as an intruder so i feel that little hostility inside me towards them. Pero syempre, hindi ko naman ia-act out. Usually, nawawala naman yung ganung feeling pag nakausap ko na sila at nagustuhan ko sila. Ganun yung normal ko. So hindi ibig sabihin na pag may selos factor, gusto ko na...

Habang ang mga tao ay nag mo-move on na sa buhay nila, heto ako at nag ooverthink.

Partner asked me a few days back if given a chance, ide-date ko ba yung sarili ko and i said yes. I meant it. Siguro kasi alam ko yung sweet at mapagmahal side ko.... But come to think of it,  ako lang ata ang nakaka alam na may ganun akong side.

May nabanggit si tim ferriss tungkol sa overthinking at kung paanong dapat outward thoughts ang laging iniisip at hindi inward.

Kaya, sige na nga...last na to...

Sabi ni neri, wala daw pag-asa at wag daw ipilit ang sarili sa hindi ka mahal. Sa pagkakaalam ko, wala naman akong pinipilit... Tsaka hindi kagad mahal? Paano kung hindi lang sinasabi? Kung hindi sinasabi (sa malinaw na paraan at hindi joke), malamanh dahil sa hindi nga mahal no...

Pero teka, di ba hindi mo rin naman sinasabi?

Ewan ko. Pero, o sya. Sige. Mukhang hindi nga kasama sa option yung hang on kaya, ok po.

I'm letting go na, Universe.


Written by cinderellaareus at 12:41 AM.

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Sunday. April 23, 2017

Saturday's hearts and realizations

It is Sunday. I wake up to the delicious aroma of coffee and a sumptuous breakfast..

"wake up the kids, hon..breakfast is ready." he says inbetween singing some song. he sings random songs all the time, sometimes i think he's got massive collections of songs and lyrics inside his head.

i walk my way to the kids' bedroom..i kiss their foreheads and whisper.."wake up babies, it's time for breakfast"..

they open their eyes.. say their "good morning, mommy", and then, one of them goes back to sleep, one sits up and snoozes off, and the other one jumps up and down the bed waking the other two..

we eat our breakfast together. share stories of how  the few days had been. share eachother's plans for the day ahead. and then head back to fix ourselves as we are going to our sunday mass in PICC.

"so, who's gonna drive the car now?" he asks. 

"you.." i say with a teasing smile.

"oh, ok".. he says, smiling back.

and off we go.

-excerpt from "Saturday"

written by zaia

March 2014

---------------

was out with the girls yesterday to attend sha's conference. At first, wala na naman talaga kong gana pumunta because :

1. Nananapak ang init. 

2. I left home with a very sweet smile from my niece that made me want to just stay home and hug and kiss her the whole day. 

3. I wasn't so happy that two of the girls cancelled the last minute though I myself would love to do the same. 

But then the day turned out great. I'm just so glad I went. 

The conference was about happiness. I felt like it was written just for me. Nakakatuwa. 

I loved Edward Lee, I swear I can listen to this man the whole day. Then toots was really charming. So funny, so confident and so larger than life. Nakakatuwa how these big people are just so humble, na parang abot-kamay lang. I really want to meet them one day. Then maybe, be one of them too. 

Naala ko lang yung sinabi ni Toots. Ang goal daw nya e to be better for her husband. Ang goal naman ng husband nya e to make her happy. My dear Universe, this kind of marriage please!!! 

The last speaker was Michael Angelo. He's pure genius. After giving me stitches for laughing for the first few minutes of his talk, pinaiyak nya naman ako dun sa middle to latter part. I love people like him. Yung pajoke joke lang pero may tapang to stand up and fight for what he believes in. Yung tao na yung pagmamahal nya sa Diyos, hindi sya tinuruang maging mapanghusga. 

Then, of course, Sha. The last time I attended her seminar, I was just a face in the crowd. Pero ngayon, whenever we meet, she addresses me by name and gives me beso beso. I think sha is just like me. Introverted, super shy...  And yet she was able to make it to where she is right now. Siguro kaya ko rin yun no? 

I feel so thankful to gabby and Ivan because if it wasn't for them, hindi ganito. Really, how can I not love these people? 

Aside from the  speakers at the seminar, it was the people I was with that made it all worth attending. I realized I need not look so far to meet amazing people when most of them are with me already. 

Aliw na aliw ako Kay LA. Sha was having an interview with Edward and toots at the stage when LA got amused at a point in the talk that she gave her  usual reaction when amused. She  raised her hands and did a 'wave' with a 'woohoo!' in appreciation.  She did so with her usual rocking confidence that gives no sh*t. Toots saw her and asked her to repeat what she did and made everyone else follow. So bibo, our LA gurl. She was just elected to be our president in the club, I'm excited to see how this bibo lady will soon lead us. 

And there's Bea. At the Q&A portion, she stood up and asked a question. This girl's definitely something. Strong, highly intelligent, confident. I often seek people like her to gain example. How come I didn't notice I'm already friends with one? 

We also saw a few TMs at the venue and they joined us at the table during break. I found myself conversing with people I don't usually interact with, with ease. I wasn't like this. I think I too am changing and I love it. 

The girls and I had a bonding sesh after the conference. Our convo over light dinner went for hours and I loved every moment of it. I just realized, WE ARE ADULTS. In a deeper sense and I loved that. Love, life, marriage, sex, fetish, fashion, finances, among other things were the topic. Including NSFW and juicy stuff. I think a mark of adulthood in its realest sense is when we can go uncensored with our thoughts and listen with other people's uncensored thoughts while reserving our judgment. If only I was able to record everything, we could've produced a seminar out of it. Andami kong narealized at natutunan. 

This day gave me a clear idea on the kind of person, the kind of woman, I wish to become. 

Ang tao, parang libro din no... If you listen and look close enough, sobrang dami mong matututunan. I feel beyond bless dahil sa mga taong pinadaan ni God sa buhay ko. Excited akong makita kung sino sa kanila yung pipiliing mag stay. 

-----

During our talk, Bea told us the importance telling the idea of your dream day together with your man before you get married. She was engaged then when she found out her then fiance wasn't really the one for her because the guy said he's not someone who can give her her dream day. Made me remember I posted my dream day 3 years ago.

Sabi, "we are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true. We may have to work for it however." 

Gusto kong gawin lahat ng kaya ko... Everything in my power, to make this dream come true. I hope the Heavens will work with me on this... 


Written by cinderellaareus at 02:25 PM.

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Monday. April 24, 2017

Blood offering

Pag in-offer mo daw ang mga hinanakit mo sa langit, may mga kaluluwa daw na maliligtas sa purgatoryo... 

...Mukhang marami raming kaluluwa na yata ang naliligtas ko. 

{ mood } hurting


Written by cinderellaareus at 04:47 PM.

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Tuesday. April 25, 2017

I is for insomnia, I is for ipis

It's 12:04am. I'm supposed to wake up 3:15am but I'm still awake. Did bee breathing technique to silence my head. It usually help me sleep, but this time it failed to do the trick. 

A lot of things I'm worried about. I know worrying is not going to make things different pero siguro hindi talaga kumikilala ng logic ang pag-aalala. 

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Gusto kong makakita ng dagat. Yung hindi highly commercialized na dagat. Gusto ko yung gaya ng dagat na madalas namin puntahan ng bike kong si Mandy noon sa Osaka sa may pier. 

Osaka Bay-just a Mandy-ride away from the apartment

That's my Mandy <3

Namimiss ko na magbike. Siguro panahon na para ipaayos si Mandy nang malibot naman namin ang streets ng pilipinas. Mejo nakakatakot lang kasi samen mag bike dahil steep ang daan, maraming bangin at marami ring tricycle. Kung sa Japan nga kung saan maayos at maluwag ang kalsada, ilang beses pa akong na disgrasya (at nasita ng pulis for riding in tandem). 

Golden week sa Japan ng May 3,4 at 5. Meaning, wala akong pasok. Next week na pala yun. Ipapaayos ko si Mandy at susubukan ko ulet mag bike. 

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I'm just a simple soul. It doesn't really require much to make me happy. Nakakapagtaka tuloy kung bakit minsan, ang hirap parin maging masaya. 

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Takot ako sa ipis noon. Halos lahat naman yata ng tao takot sa ipis. Naalala ko nga nung sinabi ni heneral na lahat daw ng buhay mahalaga except sa ipis. I usually agree with heneral's views, except siguro dito. 

Kahit nung mga panahong takot pa ko sa ipis, ayoko parin pumatay ng ipis. Sa twing nakakaapak ako ng ipis ng di ko sinasadya, sumasama yung loob ko. Twing iniisprayan sila ng baygon sa bahay at wala akong magawa, mejo nalulungkot ako. Hindi naman nila pinili maging ipis di ba? 

Siguro minsan, yung awa nag eevolve sa pagmamahal. Kasi bigla dumating yung araw na hindi na ako takot sa ipis. Feeling ko nga, may angle kung saan cute sila. Weird no? 

Nung isang araw, may ipis na gumapang sa harap ko sa may mesa papalapit sa plato na pinagkainan ko. Yung old self ko na takot sa ipis ay siguradong titili at tatakbo. Pero dahil hindi na ko takot, sinita ko nalang yung ipis at pinagsabihan syang wag lumapit sa plato. At bumack out si ipis, teh. Umatras sya papalayo sa plato at nakinig sakin. Nakakarinig pala ang ipis no? Dahil na touch ako na nakinig sya saken, binigyan ko sya ng pagkain. At kinain nya, teh. Kumakain pala ang ipis. I lovingly watched the ipis as it eats ignoring how weird the whole setting is. Would u believe that? I fed an ipis. Lol. 

Naniniwala ako na hindi dapat pinapangunahan ang bukas. Maaring ngayon ayaw mo pero bukas mahal mo na. Plus, we can't underestimate the effects of having a closer look. May mga bagay or Tao kasi na malalaman mo lang ang ganda.. Or halaga, pag nakita mo na close enough. 

Matalino talaga ang Diyos no? Hindi Nya man tayo ginawang pantay pantay, pero lahat tayo binigyan Nya ng chance. 

And yes, kasama dun yung ipis. 


Written by cinderellaareus at 12:46 AM.

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Wednesday. April 26, 2017

patience and storm

there's this project im currently working on that's really testing my patience. for more than 3 years of my transition from an overstressed into a super petix life, feeling ko, hindi rin naman pala talaga ako nagbago.

waiting is apparently still not my strong suit. you have no idea how much it takes for me to prevent myself from unleashing my inner bitch. nakakainis maghintay. tapos last night pa, biglang someone texted me questioning the political correctness of adding "achievements" and "affiliations" into our members' profiles. napa smh talaga ko, teh.. mega kasi yung wordings e. may consensus pang nalalaman. my gawd. haha.. if there's anything i can commend myself for, siguro yung ability kong pigilan ang sarili kong maging incredible hulk. at least nakapag-isip naman ako at nakapag reply ng mahinahong reply in the end. sa tingin ko naging maayos naman ang lahat after. or at least i hope ganun. tsaka naisip ko rin kasi na siguro, sadyang may mga tao lang na mejo sablay sa mga choice of words nila. maybe that's why they decided to join the club. i dont know. pero at least, natutunan ko na kung pipilitin, kaya ko naman palang maging mapagpasensya at mahinahon.

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hr are meeting us up daw on friday for the purpose of "strengthening our relationship with our foreign language speakers." first time to and i dont know what to expect. whatever this is, i  hope positive ang maging outcome.

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leaving for cavite on sun. sa totoo lang, i just want to stay home, be my hermit self and magpaka emo.

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the Universe is providing me more than enough distractions. For this, im greatful.


Written by cinderellaareus at 03:35 PM.

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Saturday. April 29, 2017

Far-sighted

Weird. It wasn't like this before. Yung tipong hindi ka lang mag online for hours e parang ang dami na kagad ganap. 

I think my phone is having a hard time to keep up with this kind of change. 

District contest today. Would've watched mel's speech live in fb kaso I wasn't home. Still yet to watch it. Parang nawalan na ko ng gana. I hope mel's is okay. Well, she probably is since hindi naman sya katulad ko. I'm pretty sure she can handle this way better than I would have. 

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Got a message that was sent at around 1pm tas 8+ pm ko na nabasa. The guy said he was looking for us daw sa contest so I had to tell him I wasn't there... Well wala lang naman. This guy usually texts or messages me for tm-related stuff, how come I didn't notice this earlier? A few years back, I wrote a checklist of my negotiables and non-negotiables plus wishlish for the guy that I want for myself. I mean, someone to marry, ganern. I think this guy will hit the list, nakakapagtaka lang, hindi ko manlang sya napansin or naging crush man lang. Weird no? 

I've been wearing eyeglasses since college. without it, I can only see clearly within an arm's length. Make it two and I won't be able to recognize the facial features. Make it three and I won't be able to tell if I'm looking at a person or a lamp post. I've been near-sighted for about half of my life... Nakakatawa na sa ibang bagay pala, far-sighted ako. 

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Off to cavite tom. Aalis na naman ako bukas. Sa totoo lang, mas gusto Kong mag stay sa bahay at magbasa. But hey, malapit na rin naman ang golden week so I'll be having my own long weekend in a different timeline. Can't wait. 


Written by cinderellaareus at 11:08 PM.

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Sunday. May 1, 2017

Sheeese..

11:41PM and I'm still up. Dead tired from travelling a total 10hours today. Would love to sleep but I'm still waiting for a customer's reply. I really hoping to get this one because this is a bulk order. Pinapaasa lang kaya ako neto? 

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The ball. I saw the video of someone I know, dancing. Then in the background was L sitting next to J and I can't help but feel bothered. I hope J will ask L to dance. Kung nandun ako yuyugyugin ko talaga sya to do so because that should be given. She's all dressed up looking really beautiful. For Heavens sake, don't just sit there. Go ask her to dance already. Putik. Naiiistress ako. Hahahaha. I remember mentor during tita remy's birthday. It wasn't even a ball but he didn't have to be told, he asked for a dance. I mean, you don't have to have feelings for the person  naman... Friends naman kayo e.. Parang appreciation nalang na maganda at nagpaganda yung kasama mo.. Di ba? Guys, are you getting my point? Arrg! I don't know. But really, can you blame me why I like men like mentor most of the time? Sila kasi yung sensitive. Tas minsan mas gentleman pa sila. Mas sweet. Seriously. 

Sighs... 

In J's defense, baka iba naman yung setup. Wala naman ako dun to judge. That was just a few seconds video. Still I hope the boys in our club will not let the girls just sit there...  Oh please...


Written by cinderellaareus at 12:00 AM.

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