Entries for March, 2017



Halo-halo
Thursday: March 2, 2017



Halo halo ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. Dahil hindi naman ako multitasker, naguguluhan ako.

Una, masaya ko kasi Thursday ngayon at TM meeting bukas. Makikita at makakasama ko na ang taong gusto kong kasama. 

Tapos, masaya din kasi a few days back, I met up with a customer who ordered 1 full set of my products and paid me in cash. 

And then, malungkot kasi the next day, I found that the ad I put up generated ZERO result. 

Malungkot din kasi ung crush ko di ko ma-reach (lol). 

Tapos malungkot rin kasi parang marami ata sa member namin ang hindi magre renew at ilan sa kanila kaclose ko. 

Tapos kinakabahan at nag aalala. I paid an fb ad for an event I'm gonna put up around May. Pag di magclick, bukod sa I'm going to lose some amount of money e mag ba back to zero na naman ako sa mga Plano ko sa buhay. Pag nag click naman, magkakaron ako ng malaking problema kasi this is a one-man team at hindi ako ganun ka confident na kaya ko lahat to ng mag-isa.

Tapos nag aalala rin at naguguluhan kasi someone is confusing me. I told neri about it and she said, "wag na yun, iba nalang, malala pa sa friendzone yan," and I can see her point clearly. Ang lakas lang kasing maka eng eng ng ganitong feeling. Ewan. Nag-aalala pa ko na this is not the first case. Same cases like this happened in the past. May problema ba ko? But thinking so will make it seem like, may problema sa kanya. Hindi ako uma agree sa society na nag-iisip ng ganun. 

Tapos, may nag email pa saken earlier. Galing sa isang popular na cage na ornamented with golds and linens. They want me there. Heavens know I'd love to leave the cage I'm in, but will a fancier cage be the answer? 

I'm not getting any younger. Offers like this may soon stop coming. Kaya ko ba talagang gawin tong cage kong to na last cage ko na? 

Feeling ko, etong year na to ako pinaka maraming nagawa para mabago ang mga ayaw ko sa buhay ko. Hindi marami enough to get me out of here, pero at least, better parin to kesa sa nung mga nakaraang taon. 

Nababasa ko ang mga status ni sha sa fb at amaze na amaze ako sa progress nia. Iniisip ko kung nung nagsisimula palang sya, ganito rin ba yung naramdaman nia? 

Pero minsan na eexcite din ako sa buhay. Naalala ko kasi na lahat ng bagay na ginawa ko kahit na takot na takot ako e nagbunga ng maganda. Walang nakakaalam sa bukas, pero sana, ganun ulet. Sana magbunga ulet ng maganda. 

Ang daming feelings. Ang hirap iprocess ng sabay sabay. One moment masaya, the next malungkot. Tas bigla bigla nalang mag aalala at naguguluhan. Mejo nakakalito. 

Pero overall, masaya narin. Siguro kasi pag di ka nakakaramdam ng pagyanig ng buhay e malamang, dahil yun sa di ka gumagalaw. Ayoko ng ganun. 

Sa ano't ano man, nagpapasalamat na rin ako. 

All smiles! : )

And Friday na bukas. Thank You, Lord. : )



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Written by cinderellaareus at 06:46 PM.

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hello friday
Friday: March 3, 2017



my stomach feels funny. wrong timing. it's gonna be a long day today.

just got an inquiry last night that didn't end up with a sale then today there's another one. i booked one product to be picked up on 18th. not bad for a 70+ pesos worth of FB ad.

as for that other biz im trying to put up, takte, this will cost me 350 for 7 days and it's day 2. I earned 50 likes, all of which, non-income generating. i guess that's life. laging full of surprises. but really, i think im liking the emotional turbulence that this is causing me.

i remember pareto's law though. the one that states that "for many events, roughly 80% of the effects come from 20% of the causes..."←source: wikipedia. i wonder if i should drop the one that is not producing any results.

---

TM night tonight. i asked neri to go with me sa meeting, said she cant. she's facing some family prob daw and i think malabo na talaga syang mag renew. this is saddening. she's someone closest to me in our club.

---

was chatting with bff last night. a few days back she reported that she already have a bf. her first. so we were all gaga about it at kahit na we're oceans apart (she was in taiwan then, now in malaysia. im in ph), mega kwento parin.

bff: nakaka turn on pala pag yung taong gusto mo turned on din sayo no?

z: talaga? yung parang naiihi?

lol. we had a lot of cute exchanges na super funny kasi super nene kaso mejo nsfw. nakakatuwa lang. i rememer when i first heard the song "a friend" by keno back in highschool, i asked the Heavens for that kind of friendship. Ang bait ng Diyos kasi binigay nia. i thank God for friends na kaya mong maging uncensored knowing na they won't judge you and sila rin, alam na di mo sila ija-judge. sana makeep ko tong friendship na to for life.

funny though, ive always been thinking about this day. of bff finally finding someone in her life. ive always known myself to be the extreme jealous type. kala ko nga maiinggit ako. or at least matatakot man lang on how this could affect our friendship. pero hindi ko naramdaman both. maturity ba to? or acceptance of defeat?

ACCEPTANCE OF DEFEAT???! what are you talking about, z???

i dont know... remember pareto's law?

sighsss.. maybe im just overthinking. i hope i am.

---

nalulungkot ako na hindi na namin makakasama si neri sa club. i wonder if we'd be able to reach 20 members before march 30. i dont doubt gabby's super powers in convincing people to join us. still, kailangan nia parin ng support namin di ba? manliligaw daw kami ng potential members tonight. ugh. i feel like im gonna get sick.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 02:52 PM.

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z vs geography
Saturday: March 4, 2017



My friends say, "lagi ka nalang uwi ng uwi."

My family says, "lagi ka nalang alis ng alis."

....

In a perfect universe, maybe I can be with the people important to me,

and geography and time will never get in the way... 

---

People from our club will be meeting up tonight. I'd love to go. Only, right now I'm on my way home after an excruciating day in divisoria and barely have the energy to walk some more. Namimiss ko na rin sila gabby. Weird, kasama ko lang sila kahapon. Lol. Minsan iniisip ko kung san nila nakukuha ang energy to be in a lot of places in one day. Truth is, kaya pa naman. I could extend whatever energy left in me to be with them if only my mom didn't ask me to be home.

---

May mga tao na gusto mo lang twing kasama mo. 

Meron naman na gusto mo lang pag hindi mo kasama. 

Meron din naman yung gusto mo na sana lagi mo nalang kasama. 

Kaya ko namang makipagsabayan kung landian lang ang labanan. I can handle the flirtings especially from a jerk. I know what they're made of. I memorized their anatomy by heart. Battles with them are something I can get out of unscathed. 

Pero ung simpleng tingin mo. Yung inosenteng pag hatak mo sa buhok ko. Yung pakikipag usap mo saken habang wala kang kamalay malay na ginugulo mo ang isip ko. Hindi ako trained para rito. This battle with u is something I wasn't prepared for. 

I hate losing.

This is certainly a losing battle.

What else do you expect me to do? 



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Written by cinderellaareus at 06:41 PM.

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Good morning breakfast
Wednesday: March 8, 2017



Just in case I won't be having some privacy later, I'm blogging at 8:05 in the morning. Just had a hash brown (w/c I don't like) and a sausage mcmuffin w/egg (w/c I only like a little). I think I prefer jollibee's longganisa breakfast joy, but I guess sometimes one would choose ambiance over taste, right? 

Filed a half day leave today. Tamad na tamad tuloy akong pumasok. Will be meeting mom at around lunch to do something very very important (aka shopping). It's a midweek and I'm itching to cap off the week already.

-----

I put up a site and an fb page for some event I will hold by May. 300+ pesos and 200+ Facebook likes later, I got 2 inquiries, one of which said she'll sign up. I seriously thought the seats will sell like hotcakes once I put up the ad. Hindi pala ganun no? In a way, feeling ko I will feel relieved in case hindi na matuloy to. So okay lang. Matuloy or hindi, Keri.

-----

Division contest on sat. I will watch to support mel. A few days back, I was cleaning my room and saw papers, writings and stuff I used to prepare for the area contest. Nakakalungkot parin no? Nakakamiss kasi yung kaba of the unknown. Yung hope na nafi feel mo at the possibility of tasting victory. Ganun. Minsan feeling ko, hindi naman talaga ko mataas mangarap. Siguro sadyang delusional lang. Siguro kasi every time na sasali ako ng contest, hindi sumasagi sa isip ko na matatalo ako. Hindi ko alam if good thing ba yun. Technically, I don't really "aim" to win. It's more like, I "expect" to win. Delusional nga no. I'm pretty much the same in everything else, job interviews, business ventures, etc. Good thing nga kaya yun?

Whenever I train my brother prior to a job interview, I would hear him worry about not getting in. Whenever I go to a job interview, I would usually worry how I will say "no" to them in case it will turn out that I don't really like the company, feeling like it's already given that they will like me. Mejo feelingera no? I don't know. I wonder which is the normal way to feel. But then maybe, "normal" is relative. 

What will you do if you know you will not fail? Sabi ni yeng remulla, ang mas magandang tanong daw e ano yung gagawin mo kahit alam mong magfe fail ka. I like that question better.

What will you do even if you know you're going to fail, z? Sasagutin ko ang tanong na yan. Pero sa ngayon, kailangan ko nang bumalik sa office. 

Ciao! 



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Written by cinderellaareus at 08:43 AM.

2 comments





MBA
Sunday: March 12, 2017



OK na. OK na ko. Graduate na... 

Congrats, Carson. 

-----

Ang hirap magsulat. 

Got home at around 2am after the after-contest celebration that we had yesterday. Mel won the championship and we were ecstatic. This was the first time that our club won the division level championship. She's progressing to the district contest and I feel confident that she's going to win this too. 

I was on the bus on the way to meet up with LA when gabby called, telling me na sumabay na ko sa kanila, which I did and then we just picked up LA at a Starbucks near their place. Then, we reached the venue.

Nakapag almusal na kami at lahat, hindi parin dumadating yung contestant namin. Ivan had me stand in Mel's place during the contest briefing for the contestants. Nostalgic. I remember how it was back then when I was the one competing. Sobrang nakakamiss kaya mejo nakakalungkot. But not the bitter kind of lungkot. Ung tipo ng lungkot na nafifeel mo pag may naaalala kang magagandang memories. 

I picked a number for mel for their order of delivery. I got #3. Funny whenever I pick for my own number, laging #1 ang nakukuha ko. Tas pag di ako contestant, #3??! Why, Universe?

Nakakatuwa lang, even before I stood in Mel's place at the briefing, there were people who approached me to wish me good luck kasi akala nila kasali ako. Lol. 

But I love how toastmasters is much like the feast. This is a place where u can receive plenty of hugs and encouragements and inspiration. I'm so happy I belong here. 

When the briefing was over. Kinakabahan na ko kasi wala parin si mel. Once the contest chair starts speaking, she'll get disqualified na. Mejo suspense. She got there just a few minutes before the contest started. Takte, kinabahan talaga ko dun. Pero sulit naman. When mel spoke, I had goose bumps. I knew right then that she will be the champion. I have this feeling too that elite will soon have it's district (national) champion through mel. Naeexcite ako.

I really wish I could witness it once it happen. Ang mahal mahal naman kasi ng discon tix. Gusto ko na magbenta ng body parts. Kidney anyone? 

Awarding. photo op. Chika chika. Etchetera. We then headed to some Vietnamese resto, name of which, I forgot. Nayaya si gabby nila sha, trixie at deegee. Some directors and TM leaders were there too. 

Kainan. Kwentuhan. Whatebs. I was sitting in front of sha then and gabby once again brought up how I joined toastmasters because of sha. Mejo embarrassing. But since this wasn't the first time. Keribels. Gabby was encouraging me to initiate convo with the people around me. Well, he saw how I can be painfully shy at times... OK, most of the time. He told me to look at Andre, our new member who has problems with stuttering but he never let it get in the way. Andre that night was making conversations with the directors while I was curled up with other elite girls. I knew gabby had a point and that he's just trying to help me. Still, it's making me feel like I'm gonna get sick every time. I did looked at Andre. Sometimes I feel like he's just like me. Only 10x braver.

When the dinner was over and people were starting to leave. The girls and I were then planning how commute our way home. Normally, I hitch a ride home with gabby since Ivan's home is along the way, but kitel, gabby's friend was there and they are likely to have another gala. We said goodbye to the people left. When we said goodbye to gabby, he said "sabay na tayo, uuwi na kami." It was around 7pm then. The night was still young. For the past 1year of knowing gabby, I was pretty sure he wouldn't go home that early. Turned out, I wasn't wrong. Said Andre wanted to have a drink at nommu so we went there. Before that, we passed first to the wake of TM janice's dad. There were a lot of us then so a few had to commute. I volunteered to join LA and Andre para mag uber. Must say it was a good decision. 

Andre had a condition where in whenever he speaks, he stutters a lot. He mentioned about this condition since the first time stepped in our club meeting as a guest. You can see his picture in so many other clubs because he club hop a lot. That's how determined he is in solving his condition. Because of that, a lot of people from other clubs were starting to visit our club often kasi na inspire daw sila Kay andre. That night when I got to have a lenghty talk with the boy, I realized why. 

Akala ko dati, andre is some mayabang dude because he looked overconfident to me. When I got to talk to him, hindi naman pala. He still stuttered a lot but that didn't stop us from having a good conversation. I got to hear his views, what he's doing with his life, a little about his family, his life as a student, etc. I think andre is beyond his years when it comes to maturity. 

I asked andre how old he is and he said he's 20. That made me look at LA to ask, "were u like andre when u were 20?" and she said "no". I remember I was just playing around when I was 20, a little messed up and didn't care that much about the future. I think a part of me envies andre a little because he started investing on himself at an early age and on how doing so is making his future seem a little brighter. Still, I don't think I regret living a pretty messed up life back when I was younger.

We then went to nommu. Ate, drunk and got drunk. I usually don't drink out with the perfect excuse of hyper acidity (which is true), but mostly because I'm scared of getting drunk. The last time I got drunk got a little bit nasty. I don't like exposing my inner demons. Really. After a few glasses of Margarita, mel, who was sitting beside me was getting a little more chatty than the usual. I told her "lasing ka na, mel. " and she was like "hindi ako lasing." Repeat 10x.lol. it was so funny. My cheeks then were feeling warmer so I knew the alcohol was starting to take effect. When I stood up, the floor moved. Takte. I had to take it slow. Kwento muna bago inom para di tamaan. Lol. 

It was a fun night filled with food and kwento. We were with kitel. She's not a club member. I've heard a few things about her and I thought she was mataray and scary. Well, I think she is but just a bit. But she's also funny and straightforward and generally nice to talk to. Overall, I think like her. She's just like gabby. They are best friends after all. 

I also enjoyed that sasi was there. Malakas syang mang asar at madalas makulit. Pero yung times na bigla syang nagswi switch sa serious tone e sinisikap ko talagang makinig because there's so much wisdom with this man. I wonder if he had ever written a book. 

As to whether I enjoyed the presence of the people from my club... Well, that's already given. 

It was past 1am when we called it a night. Mel was still chanting her "hindi ako lasing" line, repeat 10x. My inner demons were still locked up, but to be safe, i tried not to get near anyone who I think can cause them to break loose. 

Mel wasn't looking so good then, I was starting to worry for her safety in going to her home in meycauayan at 1am in that condition when Ivan proposed that mel sleep in their place and just go home the following day. I felt relieved and touched. Malakas mang asar sila Ivan at gabby, but in the end of the day, inaalala parin nila ung welfare ni mel. Nakakatuwa lang.

-----

It was around 10pm when I turned on my mobile data. While checking my phone in between drinks, his profile pic flashed on my screen. Timed 7:23pm.that was 2hours ago. If he is the same person that I knew n years back, I knew that this was his best attempt in flirting. I typed my response. 

R is one of the few very complex people I know. He's like a maze whose pathways I learned to navigate. I sure can find my way to the finish line, but what's next? 

Hindi siguro makatarungang itulak pa yung taong alam mo na hindi mo na kayang saluhin pa. 

------

Grumadweyt na nga ko. Pero mukhang tutuloy pa ko para mag MBA. 

 



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Written by cinderellaareus at 07:55 PM.

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A confession
Monday: March 13, 2017



I'm scared. 



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Written by cinderellaareus at 07:45 AM.

2 comments





Niccolò
Tuesday: March 14, 2017



got hold of some modern machiavellian book. didnt know it was machiavellian. got lured lang by the title. ok, im not really a fan of the principles. hindi nga ako umaagree eh.. and yet i managed to finish the book in just a day considering that i only read it in between bus rides. plus im itching to get a hold of Machiavelli's "il presidente". gusto ko talaga mabasa. i wonder if i will just wake up one day justifying hitler and marcos. idk. why am i getting drawn to something i dont really agree with?

spent the day trying and failing to be productive. i have another new book with childish drawings in it but for some reason, it just wont do. i want something as intense. yung iinit ulo ko habang binabasa ko kasi nakakabwisit yung nakasulat. ganun. pero ang totoo nyan, hindi naman uminit ang ulo ko. i was just in awe the whole time. mesmerized.

sa likod ng mga bagay na tinuro saten bilang "dapat"... ano nga kaya ang totoo no?

hindi ko rin alam...

---

want to start a home club soon. maybe on 20th since j-holiday at walang pasok. or baka sa first week of may. i love  how facebook's giving even the nobodys like me the cutting edge to keep up with the tides even with very little resources.

i need to lose weight. dapat ngayon ako mag iistart ng diet, pero takte, ang sarap ng pulvoron besh.. how can i resist? ugh. and im also craving for nachos. tambay ako sa taco bell these past few days kahit lahat ng food nila hindi ko gusto except nachos... seriously, z?

naalala ko na naman yung pareto's law. ugh. gusto ko ng nachos. now na.

---

been feeling low for days...

pero malamang pms lang yan.. hindi broken heart. wag kang praning, girl. ugh.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 03:41 PM.

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Stars
Thursday: March 16, 2017



Hi Thursday! 

I accepted defeat against hormonal imbalance, forgot dieting completely and gave in to a sumptuous breakfast so I feel a little happier this morning. 

Last night, Dad called me over. I thought some potential customer was looking for me. Hindi pala. Asa. He just wanted me to watch some tv segment na ang topic daw e "how to attract opposite sex." I knew he was just nang-aasar, I just allowed him to annoy me. I wasn't busy anyway. Turned out, it was some feng sui (did I spell it right? Ugh, too lazy to Google?) thingy, which both of us do not believe in, so we ended up with a little kwentuhan session nalang. I told Dad about the tarot reading thingy I found on the net, which I tried. Told him that most of my cards said I'm gonna get pregnant, and Dad was like, "OK lang naman mabuntis ka para may anak ka na. Basta piliin mo lang kung sino tatay." I can't believe this came from my own dad. Lol, but seriously, I bet Dad has no idea how relieved and happy I am that I'm not pregnant. Hahaha. 

I guess my parents are like most people. They see having children as a form of security. Something that guarantees that you're gonna be taken care of once you're too old to take care of yourself, or siguro sa status na rin. Mga bagay na I don't really care about. 

Ang saken naman, if I am to bring another life into this world, gusto ko yung capable na ko to add value to that child's life. Gusto ko ung ako na yung tipo ng parent that my child/children can be proud of. Ganern. Truth be told, I too would like to have a child of my own. Siguro kasi I want to pass on the things I learned to my child or children. Well, there's kaitlyn, I know. Pero siguro iba pag anak ko talaga. I wonder if I'm touching the security part here. 

Still, being single, unattached and childless has it's own bliss. I feel like I can be whatever I want to be, go wherever I want to go and possibilities are endless. I guess I'm staying here for now. 

----

that feeling you get when you're friends' CHILDREN are starting to add you up in facebook.

they are growing up.

which means, im getting older.

ugh, pak.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 08:47 AM.

5 comments





超眠い
Friday: March 17, 2017



kung magpapaperm ako ng buhok at magpapakulay ng gaya neto, magiging kamukha ko ba si J-Law?

ugh. hair reached that awkward length again where strands stick out in every direction imaginable. gusto ko sana magpahaba ulet ng hair...

didnt sleep much. im too sleepy i cant find my brains.

i want bed.

image source: www.badtaste.it



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Written by cinderellaareus at 12:48 PM.

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Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know
Monday: March 20, 2017



"Let it go,"- Queen Elsa

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Spent Friday night up to 2 in the morning with the people from our club. And then spent Sunday afternoon to evening at Ivan's place with them too. Know what, i love these people. 

-----

It's j-holiday Monday so I'm home now. I just spent the morning watching nursery rhymes and frozen for the gazillionth time with my niece clinging on my arms not allowing me to move. I'm just glad that it's a long weekend so I got an extra day to spend with my niece after being out during the weekend. 

-----

I remember Robert Greene's characters of seduction. I guess it's easier to get on the game if u know ur own character and the one you're battling with. It's the charmer vs. the natural this time. Much like Goliath vs David, really. But the Universe had proven time and again how it favors the underdog most of the time so we really can't tell the outcome, right? 

A side of me says, "do not forget ur role in the game."

But the other side wonders what's so wrong with allowing yourself to be seduced and let go. 

What's so wrong with allowing yourself to be seduced and let go? 

I never underestimate myself in the same way that I never underestimate anyone. I do not really fear getting hurt. I learned self-reliance a long time ago and I can handle heartbreaks pretty well. I'm more than prepared. I only fear wasting my time and starting over again. Ayun lang naman. 

So what now? Game on or let go? 

I feel too lazy to decide. Or at least right now. Bukas nalang. 

-------

I wish I'm just as confident and fearless on the career and financial front. Ugh, pak this.

-------

Know what, my definition of freedom is when you do not shrink your 'I love you' into 'we love you', 

And 'I miss you',  into 'we miss you'. Or even shrink that further into 'thank you',  and 'see you soon'... 

....

That's the kind of freedom I seek and I'm still battling to get. Love is so much work, I wonder if it will be all worth it in the end.  



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Written by cinderellaareus at 11:56 AM.

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Panata day Wednesday
Wednesday: March 22, 2017



In the bus now, typing this while listening to my phone's playlist. This is the closest I got to multitasking. 

On the way home from my panata day Wednesday. It has probably been a year since I last went to my favorite chapel. The mall it is in changed a lot. I used to memorize every stall in there, now, they're all different. But the chapel didn't change much. Wala paring umuupo sa favorite seat ko. Perhaps I will always be the only one who would ever dare to sit there. Sino nga naman kasi ang magiging crazy enough to sit on a pew that says (more like screams) 'reserved seat'. Keribels. Dun ko kasi talaga gusto umupo e. Nakakatuwa lang. That same place that served as my sanctuary for years is still giving me that same peace I can't seem to find elsewhere. This will cut hours off to whatever number of hours left for me to sleep but I'm glad I went there. 

Years ago, I remember crying to the Heavens, asking for an answer tungkol sa mga bagay na nasa Bible na hindi ko sinasang-ayunan. Tonight, I heard it in father's sermon. Binigay Niya yung sagot. Nakakatawa lang, ang hirap talaga i-predict ng timing ng Langit. Minsan mapapangiti ka nalang talaga at masasabi mo sa sarili mo na 'ang bait ni God no?' Well, totoo. 

Since mabait naman ang Diyos, sinamantala ko na. I once again asked for someone. Sabi nila pag hihingi ka daw sa Diyos, wag daw particular na Tao ang hingin mo kundi yung characteristics ng taong gusto mo makuha. Dahil matigas ang ulo ko, hindi ko sinunod. See, the last time I asked the Heavens for someone, He immediate gave that someone to someone else the next day. Ganun din ang nangyari to the ones I asked before that. So what do u think am I expecting to get? Well, wala naman. Naisip ko lang na kung ibibigay Niya, then the guy's mine. If He'd give the guy to someone else, then I can move on and out of this already. Win-win right? And then, shoot! I remember. He is actually currently someone else's. Ugh. Nakalimutan ko talaga. Oh, well, nasabi ko na kay God. That is no longer my problem but His. 

Sa ngayon kasi, ang dami ko talagang kailangang ayusin sa buhay ko. Minsan hindi ko na talaga alam ang gagawin. Pero, push. Naniniwala akong magiging maayos ang lahat. 

Gaya ng dati, bring it on, World. Kahit ano pa yan, kaya ko yan. 



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Written by cinderellaareus at 09:17 PM.

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Friday breakfast and dark clouds
Friday: March 24, 2017



Hello morning. I'm having breakfast with versace on the floor playing in the background. Days had been low and I really miss the time back when good breakfast can still lighten a heavy heart. 

One of our dogs, Junior, has been sick for months. Doc Jack saw him for a couple of times already yet it seems like he's not getting any better. I think he's leaving us soon. Last night, mom asked me to make junior eat something. He can't eat on his own anymore so we have to gently push the food into his mouth to make him eat. He was so weak when I saw him. I held a side of his face to hold his mouth upright, but he instead rested his cheek on my hand. We stayed in that position for a while. He's tired. I allowed him to rest in my hands ignoring the mosquitoes biting me. It would probably hurt him if I make him eat. I couldn't do it. 

It's been months since my dog tanga died. August 26 to be exact. It still hurts and I still sometimes wish that I can have her back. Now junior is probably going next. I don't know...

Other sides of my life are just as bad. I can't wait for these dark clouds to pass. 



* * * * * * * * *



Written by cinderellaareus at 08:29 AM.

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Cards
Saturday: March 25, 2017



He got an aura- a vibe- like that of R. 

Dreading that I could give him the same effect, I laid down all my cards early on just so he knows what I am and what I can offer. I don't know if I should've done the opposite. Or maybe it was because of that little blunder I did a week ago that made my cards ineffective. It feels like things are getting out of hand recently. I can only wish I am wrong. I really have no idea how to fix this.

-----

the rake is about to get back into my circle of vision soon. I know how his type works but sadly this knowledge will not grant me the immunity to their effect. But he got an even better target now so I think I'm a little safer. Still. Better. Be. Careful. 

-----

I feel like my love life since I sort-of started having one consists of endless fleeing and hunting and fleeing and hunting, repeat until you rot chenez. How can I end up with an at least okay relationship kung laging ganito? 

-----

In my defense, hindi ako attracted sa gay guys per se. Attracted ako sa mga lalaking, gentle, smart, neat, at sensitive. Nagkakataon lang talaga na madalas, gay sila. Madalas lang. Hindi lagi. Okay? 

PS: I loved your hair today (technically yesterday). Bagay. 



* * * * * * * * *



Written by cinderellaareus at 02:01 AM.

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Pieces of peace
Sunday: March 26, 2017



Spent half of the day yesterday accompanying sis-in-law to the hospital and the other half helping take care of my niece since her mom's sick. Would've said yes to gabby's invitation to watch a movie if things weren't a little crazy at home. 

Helped mom change kaitlyn's diaper and sort of got it wrong. We just let her wear it the wrong way kasi sayang yung diaper. It was like having a real life bahay bahayan. I wasn't so good at playing mom but at least we had a good laugh. 

Know what, I can't cook, don't know how to wash my own clothes and practically hate any kind of household chores, still, I think, in a way, maybe, I can make a good mom someday. 

-----

"Love is not vulnerable unless we seek a certain response."

Read this in Facebook. Nakakatuwa pag sinasagot ng Langit ang tanong mo sa mga panahong hindi mo inaasahan, pero perfect. 

Isa sa mga hindi ko maintindihan before e kung panong "fear is the opposite of love," when I think, they normally go together. Pero ngayon, feeling ko, mejo naiintindihan ko na. 

------

Junior left us today. The rainbow bridge gained another handsome resident. I wonder if he would be seeing my Thangs. I hope they will not bite each other and make a scene. I'm not so sure if Thangs is there though. I did something silly before she died. 

I remember bo Sanchez once mentioned about his wife having a miscarriage and how he baptized his own child. Pwede daw kasi magbaptize ang kahit na sino at the moment of death and bo also mentioned how it is done. 

Dreading that I won't see my Thangs again, I tried to baptize her. Please don't laugh. I really love that dog e. She's my Thangs. It was really hard for me then. Syempre if mapupunta sya sa langit, at least kahit paano, may maliit na chance na magkita kami. She can't go to Heaven unless she's baptized, right? 

Nakakatawa lang, when I was done, fear came rushing in. Naisip ko kasi na baka magalit si God at magulat Sya pag nakita nya bilga na may aso sa Langit. My imagination can go really crazy sometimes. Kaso, ayun, nakalimutan ko na kailangan ng tubig during baptism. I wonder if tears can pass as water. Baka wala palang bisa ang pagbaptize ko sa a so ko kasi walang tubig. With that, I'm not sure if Thangs made it in Heaven or not. 

Still, mabait naman ang Langit. I'm sure, magiging OK lahat. 

I will miss you, Banyoynyoy...  From 9, our dogs are down to 3. Heavens,  pahinga po muna, please... 



* * * * * * * * *



Written by cinderellaareus at 09:34 AM.

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snap
Monday: March 27, 2017



not fine.

things are off at home since brother is stressed out and he has the tendency to transform into an incredible (and nasty) hulk whenever he is. i seriously consider leaving. that would be easier since thangs is no longer here. i probably will.

not fine.

---

not fine.

300+ ads for nothing. n likes. n messages. no sales.

not fine.

---

not fine.

needed to reunite with some old friends/acquaintances. your name kept popping up.

not fine.

---

not fine.

hurricane of changes coming soon. im not prepared.

not fine.

---

not fine.

coffee and soft drink this morning. GERD.

not fine.

---

not fine.

just not.



* * * * * * * * *



Written by cinderellaareus at 03:53 PM.

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Avisala
Tuesday: March 28, 2017



Gusto naman talaga kitang makasama. Kaso, gusto ko lang talaga manood ng Encantadia. 

----

*my version of the story*

Boy: napanood mo na yung beauty and the beast? 

Z: not yet. 

Boy: Tara, nood tayo! 

Z: Tara! Isama natin sila * at * !!! : )

.....

Kung sinabi mo sana kasi na 'Tara, date tayo, ' edi sana nagets ko. 

*OK, charot lang to. *

Lol! Ugh, so bored! 



* * * * * * * * *



Written by cinderellaareus at 04:55 AM.

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black not orange.
Wednesday: March 29, 2017



got home a few days back and found that we adopted a black cat.

tita: kaitlyn, anong pangalan ng pusa?

kaitlyn: orange.

tita to pusa: hello orange...

kaitlyn: hindi orange yan, black yan.

..

awww, oo nga naman...

minsan talaga hindi ko alam kung sino samin ng pamangkin ko ang mahirap kausap.

-----------------

hindi pa ko nakakarecover about kylie leaving.. now this...

lira... mira... wahhhh! this is so heartbreaking.. huhu..

...

trust me, this girl rarely watch tv.

-----------------

dead sleepy pero ang daming ganap today. a few days before march ends and my weekend sched for april's almost full.

ok narin to.

a few sides of my life suck. one of the things i dread is going back to start which is exactly where i am now. i would normally feel depressed, but i dont and i know full well why. nakakatawa na, that very thing (actually a person) that keeps me from feeling depressed might soon be the reason for me to get depressed. im not actually scared. i just fear that i might end up wasting my time. ayun lang naman.

was chatting with bff earlier. she's still love-struck because of her new-found boyfriend. i know she's happy and im happy for her too. i wish i can talk to her though about the things that are confusing me. but i just cant do that now because i know how girls can be like when in love. they barely see or hear anything else. besides, compared to her love life, mine will look so childish and downright delusional lang... kaya.. sige na nga, wag na.

weird lang, the Heavens would usually get the person off my life the following day after i asked for that person, which in a way good, so i can just move on from it right away. i wonder what's taking the Heavens so long this time around...  i dont know.

pero ok lang rin siguro. masaya rin naman. pero hindi ba sayang rin ang oras at emotional investment kung alam mo namang walang patutunguhan? ewan... magsisimba ba ko ulet?

-----------------

bsp7 next week. i thought i still have three weeks since next meeting pa yun.. pero april na nga pala next week. gabby said bsp7 is easy lang daw since parang report lang anik. i dont know why im having a hard time crafting this. pak, i cant even think of a topic to write about. nakakatamad.

-----------------

a lot of things for the coming month:

-buchoy's birthday (injan's son, my inaanak)

-grand easter feast

-shara giving birth to her second child (we would be visiting her)

-some seminar

-some family outing

-some reunion with hs friends

-and stuff

seems like april is going be full of socializing events, im starting to feel a little drained already.



* * * * * * * * *



Written by cinderellaareus at 04:11 PM.

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Hikari
Friday: March 31, 2017



Sabi ko, sa McDo ako mag be breakfast today para makapagsulat ako ng speech, kaso may pumasok sa isip ko na kailangan ko isulat dito. Well, siguro tinatamad lang rin ako. 

Ang galing galing ni Irish (heneral), sumasakit ang puso ko...

Sabi nila, yung mga taong nirerespeto at hinahangaan mo ang clue sa kung anong gusto mong maging. Alam ko naman na before pa. Pero siguro overtime e nag eevolve din talaga ang mga gusto naten. 

-----

I got home last night and was about to enter my room when I saw sis-in-law with walis tambo in hand wiping sweat off her forehead and a broad smile drawn across her face. She showed me kaitlyn's newly assembled playhouse that she assembled herself. She intends to show it to kaitlyn daw once brother came back home from work so that together they can surprise their daughter. She looked happy. 

I saw it even before she and my brother got married, how she can make a wonderful wife and mother. Just like mom. I think they are the type whose happiness is defined in building a family. Being a spouse and a parent. 

and that was when it hit me. How different I am from her and mom. 

Sure, there is also that side of me who daydreams and wishes to build a family, but it was more of a very silent voice so much like a whisper. A more dominant side screams something else. Something I want so bad it hurts. Magagawa ko kaya? Siguro yun yung exciting na part. Ung fact na wala naman talagang nakakaalam... 

As I age, mas maraming pume pressure saken about how I should be this and that. I know most of them are just concerned. But instead of living to fit in to the world's standards, sa tingin ko, what I want most right now is to follow my heart. 

Unti unti, lumilinaw na sakin ang lahat...



* * * * * * * * *



Written by cinderellaareus at 08:27 AM.

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C I N D E R E L L A A R E U S
"A dream is a wish your heart makes when you're fast asleep"

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