Entries for June, 2017
I'm super pissed off.
You see, my default mode is that of indifference and i would only start giving a f*ck the moment i acknowledge the existence of the person.
You've been within the radar for some time, but then i only took a closer look just recently when you actually dared to step into MY arena.
a hot and cold Coquette.
I thought i will be impervious from their kind. Kala ko kasi magiging maldita vs maldita contest lang ito or something. You're not even maldita(maldito) to begin with.
Your temperature fluctuates from icy to lukewarm, then hot, then cold, then...ugh! I dont even know where these are coming from!
They say that the Rakes are the most dangerous of them all pero hindi naman nila ako napatiklop. Nakakawala ng pride kung sa coquette lang pala ako.....urgh! This is so aggravating! Id love to finish this battle (and win), but because of a friend, i have to be on step back mode.
You seem like a worthy opponent though. If im correct, then i wouldnt mind losing in the end.
The battle hasn't started yet and he gained a point already? What's up that?!
08:44 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Sabi nila, ang true love daw, hindi nagsisimula pag na "fall in love" ka. Instead, nagsisimula daw yun pag nag "fall out of love" ka na. From there kasi, hindi na hormones mo ang magdidikta kundi sarili mo nang decision. Decision kung patuloy mo bang pipilin yung taong to kahit hindi ka na kinikilig or may mga nasty side sya na narealize mo hindi mo pala gusto or nalaman ko na hindi pala sya ganun kaganda or kagwapo kung hindi sya nag aayos.
Decision. Gusto ko yung idea non. Yung ako yung pumili at hindi ako na trick lang ng mga body chemicals ko.
Kaya siguro importante yung friendship, respect at trust kasi yun yung naiisip kong pinaka stable na foundation ng relationship ko with the other person. Tipo ng foundation na kahit wala ng kilig, kayang i-hold ang relationship together ng hindi gumuguho.
I've always looked for that. Over the years, I made sure na yung taong pag-iinvestan ko ng emotions ko e meron ng tatlong yan. Most of the people i found, kulang ng at least isa.
Hanggang sa dumating ka.
The fall in came and now here's the fall out. nanghihinayang ako kasi gustuhin ko man, hindi naman kita pwedeng piliin. Narealize ko kasi na hindi pala pwedeng ako lang ang magde-decide.
It bites. Totoo.I'm not easy. You're not easy. Posibleng hindi magiging madali. Pero sa tingin ko kasi, kaya nateng gawing worth it.
Kaso ayun nga.
So babalik na naman ako sa paghahanap.
12:22 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
My arms and hands look hideous. Accompanied mom in picking mangoes straight from the tree in Lola's backyard through a bamboo stick with a hook that we call 'panungkit'. Since i rarely do any physical labor, my hands are not used to so much stress that by this time, i have red paches on my hands (and arms too) that are a cross between insect bites and 'latay' like i was beaten minus the bruises or something. Mahirap pala and nakakapagod. feeling ko nag gym ako, but i had fun. Minsan talaga yung mga bagay na kasing simple lang nito yung masaya, no?
My dreams are grand. I know i may not reach them, but in case i do, sana hindi ko makalimutan na there's that kind of bliss in simplicity that even the glory of the grand cannot replace.
...
Now i know why i like you. You are both simple and grand. I guess, in a way, i am too.
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Execom yesterday at Ivan's place. Gabby cooked and we were complete attendance. Overall, masaya naman. There were just few changes in TI that i found upsetting. Well, we dont have the full details yet. Sana in the end, maging ok ang lahat. May 2 years na transition naman daw. 2 years is 2 years. A lot can happen. Will i still be a TM then? Wala naman talagang nakakaalam.
We watched wonder woman after. Ang ganda ni diana. Kung magkakaron ako ng katawan na ganung levels, promise magpapakabait talaga ko, dear Universe.
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The friend reported a few stuff about the target. Seems like she's on it na, starting the battle and all. I'm just amazed how she's doing all these while having her shark on the sides. She's technically single so i think there's nothing wrong with that. Nagagalingan lang ako na kaya nyang mag multitask that way. Multitasking is never my forte, so i told her to teach me how.
Can't help but notice the target though. He's also like that. Simple and grand. Ganito ba talaga taste ko eversince? I wonder...
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I have once saw your storm quieting down and i loved the sight of it.
But it was when i touched you that i realized you weren't storm...
You were waterfall.
05:54 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
We were left alone that day. I was half sitting half standing on a desk facing him.
Asaran. Kulitan. Light talks. Etcetera.
The boy has a reputation of being "chill". Girls chase after him and he acts like it's no big deal, barely showing any interest at all.
So when the boy advanced towards me, I was taken aback but wasn't really threatened for he is someone I trust.
"ikaw kasi, ikaw kasi," he said in his usual nang-aasar way.
He advanced further.
12 inches... he got nearer...
6 inches... Oh boy, this is too close...
Until he was about 3 inches away when he held the edge of the desk I was half sitting on with me locked standing in between his arms. Cornered in an almost-embrace but not really touching.
2 inches... Closer still... Almost kissing.
I gave out a suppressed chuckle, flashed a teasing smile, then gently tapped a hand on one side of his shoulder.
"Sira ulo," I said in my sweetest voice.
I then pushed the boy a little. just far enough for me to pass and head to the door, leaving him.
Then the next day, I learned that the boy started entertaining the prettiest among the girls chasing him who he had been ignoring for as long as I remember.
...
I wonder what would have happened if I took the bait instead.
The boy doesn't look bad. He is sought after. Yet the resistance was an effortless one.
Minsan feeling ko tuloy robot ako.
10:13 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
It's a laid back weekend. I'm home and will be too tomorrow since parents are having a social life so I, the daughter, is going to be left home to man the house. Not really complaining.
Woke up 9am this morning. I usually wake up way earlier than that but the weather's making it hard for me to leave my bed.
Cooked lunch because bro, wife and kid were away and dad wasn't feeling well. Bro said my cooking was good daw. Yey!
From lunch onwards, I have no idea where my day went. I'm just pretty sure I wasn't productive.
Mom's 60th birthday celebration in a few weeks. I'm on a hermit mode so I can't really get excited about it. Hopefully my social juju will get fully replenished prior that date.
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I remember bro used to say that one of the reasons why he fell for his gf then now wife was because, "ang lambot lambot nya kasi." Bro's wife is a plus size so it's logical for her to be soft, but then something tells me that the reason's probably something else.
I remember some dude told me that same 'ang lambot lambot nyo po' thing when our arms accidentally touched. I felt it too and I thought it was him who was 'malambot'. The dude was thin and I was at my thinnest at that time too so we were not so likely to be malambot. And it was a weird type of 'lambot', I think 'tender' is the better term. At that time the dude was nsfw level flirty flirty with me. Madre level ako eversince so wala naman talagang nangyari but I don't deny that there sure was an effect on me. Syempre, Hindi naman talaga ako robot. Still, I wonder if that's the 'malambot' that my brother was talking about. That gave me this theory that maybe it could be an indication of a mutual physical or emotional attraction. It's like the emotional tenderness is manifesting itself into physical tenderness. Pero syempre, theory lang naman to.
Since then I've always been mindful whenever I touch people. I'm seeking that kind of lambot again so that I can test my theory some more. 5 years of seeking and just yesterday I found it. It was from a boy. (Thankfully it was a boy because if otherwise, I would've panicked.) I've known the boy for some time and yet yesterday ko lang napansin na his lambot was beyond normal. The boy is boney, he shouldn't be malambot, right? Itatanong ko sana if na feel nya ba na malambot ako just to test kaso earlier that night mejo nagiging lokohan na yung jokes namin so I probably won't get a serious answer. Posibleng wala lang rin naman. I don't remember him being this malambot before. Probably the effect of his "halikan kita dyan" joke last night. He'll probably get back to normal. We'll probably get back to normal.
Will be seeing the boy in a week. From there, I can take some more tests.
What will I get out of this? I don't know. Gusto lang naman malaman. Wala naman akong gagawin. He's just a boy. Or is he?
Suddenly, I'm not so sure anymore. This is bad. Lol.
10:39 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Ang daming nagpasaya sakin sa araw na ito. Mga maliliit na bagay lang naman. Pero when put together, parang ang dami dami at ang big deal big deal, they are making my heart swell.
1. APAC people weren't at work. It was just partner and I and boy, I loved the silence. I thank God for silence.
2. Progress in partner's love life. I swore not to tell anyone, so I can't write the details. Things may not seem as good for now, but this is a huge progress. I feel happy for partner and I feel positive that things will turn out to be better.
3. Met up with a customer this evening. Got a sale. Sabi nila, business is about love daw. Ngayon ko lang lubusang nagets ang ibig sabihin nito. I pray that my product will bless my customer immensely. Totoo nga siguro na people may doubt your intensions and reject your persuasions, but once they felt your love (this is something that cannot be faked) they can never say no. No one can ever say no to love.
4. Chatted via messenger chat group with HS friends. My heart swell with love and gratitude for being able to meet and keep these amazing people. HS wasn't smooth sailing. But look, I survived and even emerged with good friends in the process.
5. Brother's 1St day tomorrow in his new company. I'm excited for him and I'm happy that he finally found the courage to leave the company he served for more than 10 years.
6. Light talk over dinner with my family. At the end of the day, they will remain to be my most precious treasures.
7. Peace. Nabasa ko before na malalaman mo daw if tama ang desisyon mo depende sa amount ng peace na nararamdaman mo. Tingin ko, natagpuan ko yung peace na yun sayo. This peace didn't come in the package I expected. I probably won't stand up for this too. Gaya ng dati. Siguro, hindi rin naman kasi kailangan. Sigurado akong hindi ko ikatutuwa na mapunta sa iba ang peace ko. But I'm keeping my chill for now. I remember, someone I once cherished told me, "wag mong pilitin ang sarili mo, siguro may panahon talaga sa mga bagay bagay." Sa ngayon, panghahawakan ko to.
Truth is, I'm a little drained in the financial front, but whenever I count my blessings, feeling ko talaga, ang yaman yaman ko.
10:01 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Was 13 minutes late today. Another 2 minutes and I'll be expecting a love letter from the cage.
The day was stressful. We had some line issue which would've been good since line issue means no calls, if only we didn't need to report the whole thing to the client all in Japanese. Thank you very much.
Was also doing some VP ed duties on the side while creating and sending out invites for mom's 60th birthday party. Pag nag mumultitask ako, feeling ko na di dilute ang utak ko. Hindi na nga ata utak laman ng skull ko kundi taho. Ang hard, bes.
I proudly showed mom the invitation poster I designed myself when she noticed I had the date wrong. Ang masama pa, it was the same poster that I sent to everyone earlier. Very smart. Sighs.
Sabi what you focus on expands daw. Kaya oh sya... The day's done, we can make bawi tomorrow.
Still, im fancying having a few days off. Total shut down away from... Everything: Responsibilities.. Social media... Etc. Pwede naman. I can go have a trip somewhere.. Kaso parang ang lonely naman kasi. Kung single lang sana si injan, pipilitin ko syang samahan ako.
Sighs...
Know what, simpleng tao lang talaga ko e. Simple lang yung mga gusto ko at mga hinahanap ko.
Gusto ko lang ng makakasama kong magsimba.
Or tumakas somewhere pag hina haggard na ko ng mundo. Or kami ng mundo.
Yung sasamahan akong pumunta sa baguio para kumain ng strawberry taho kahit ayoko naman talaga ng lasa.
Tas sasamahan ako sa bencab museum at Mt. Cloud bookshop. Tas syempre bibili kami ng longganisa. Sh*t, ang sarap ng longganisa sa baguio! Biglang gusto ko tuloy ng tocino. Haha. Anong konek?
Isang araw babalik ako ng Baguio...
Tapos isasama ko yung taong gusto kong kasama.
10:32 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
He took my wrist to fit some nice bracelet onto it.
Hindi kasya, so I offered my other wrist, the one without a wristwatch on it. Ayan kasya na. I was waiting for the punchline expecting him to make fun about the bracelet not fitting.
"Maganda ba?" He asked.
"This is nice," I said.
Tapos Hindi nya na kinuha...
Minsan sweet din talaga tong batang to e no.
Salamat, partner! : )
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Got a message from one of my mom's friends na sinendan ko ng invitation yesterday. She happens to be the mother of the guy I once dated. She said she remembers me. I hope she won't bring up anything about me and her son. Said she's attending. Nahihiya tuloy ako. Hahaha. Puteeek.
And, dapat pala nag diet ako. Bat ba ngayon ko lang naisip to? Shoot, 10 days to go. Sana kayanin to ng kapangyarihan ni Dr. Atkins.
07:04 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
A lot of things going on. Should be meeting gabby, but it seems like our sched is not going to allow us to.
Yesterday was our last meeting at CaliBurger, a place that served as another home for me since i joined Toastmasters 1 and a half years ago. Nakakalungkot. Pero naisip ko naman kasi na as long as kasama ko parin yung mga taong mahalaga saken sa club, then it's ok.
But then i realized, baka maging deal breaker na naman saken ang venue... Pero sige, saka na siguro dapat mamroblema. Let's hope for the best. Please help us, Universe.
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Hitched a ride with bea together with LA yesterday. I love these girls. I hate how the ride was so short we weren't able to finish the kwento. Nakakatawa lang, there was this new boy kasi who just signed up to become a member. All of us agreed that he's such a cutie pie. I had stitches when this convo took place.
B: cute sya no. At ang ganda ng boses. Mukha syang rich kid.
Z: uu, baka nga rich kid. Lambot ng kamay e.
L: grabe ako nakausap ko palang, ikaw nahawakan mo na kamay?
Z: lol!
Sana maging okay ang lahat about the venue. Ayoko talaga malayo sa mga taong to.
06:07 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Pressure (noun)
-an urgent claim or demand or series of urgent claims or demands
-a burdensome condition that is hard to bear
source: www.thefreedictionary.com
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not in best mood. neither in best shape. probably pms.
i wonder if meeting people from the club tonight is a bad idea.
.
we're supposed to meet at 7.
it's not friday today.
i wonder if id better skip this.
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eto na naman yung feeling na wala kang kagana gana sa buhay....
pak this.
12:37 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Tuesday. I woke up with the sound of the doorknob being turned along with my brother's voice.
Bro: za**** gising na.
Z: bakit naman ako gigising?
Bro: hindi ka papasok?
Z: bakit naman ako papasok e sabado ngayon?
Bro: tuesday ngayon.
That made me jump out of bed and prepare to work.
Got home past 12 last monday as i joined people from the club to hunt for our club's new home. Sa totoo lang, i wouldn't mind the place so much as long as I'm still with these amazing people. Still, i guess it wouldn't hurt if we will find a nice one, and we did. Mejo na eexcite na ko. The budget will be tighter though as we need to help filling the consumable, pero kaya yan. Tiwala lang. Oh Lord, help me.
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"Hypothetical question: what will be the headline if one of the biggest banks in the Philippines murdered Papa Jack or Chris Tsuper?"
Got this message from some dude who's a fellow TM from another club. Kala ko naman seryosong tanong tipong gagamitin sa table topics anik so i sent it to partner para maki join force. He had no idea about the people mentioned. It was when the dude said, "sirit?" that i realized na.... puteeeek, he was joking lang pala.
Video killed the radio star.
Vi de o killed the radio star.
BDO killed the radio star.
Gah! Sa sobrang korni natawa ko. Ngayon ko lang narinig yung song, infey, lakas maka LSS.
Kanina, partner asked from whom the joke came from. When i told him he's a TM from another club and already married, partner was like, "lumalandi ba yon? Wag ka papatol ha." Mejo praning. Lol.
Sabi nila, mahirap daw magsalita ng tapos, pero sa tingin ko hanggat mahal ko ang nanay ko, hindi ako papatol sa may asawa.
Still, sa tingin ko, the dude wasn't really flirting. I think he was just being friendly. He seems to really like his wife afterall. Bad trip lang, hindi ko parin ma shake yung kanta away sa system ko.
BDO killed the radio star.
Pag natawa ka sa corny na joke ibig sabihin ba corny ka rin? Gah!
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Days been creeping so slowly. Mom's real birthday is on friday. 2 days pa. The celebration is on sunday. Sa totoo lang mejo tinatamad ako at mas feel ko matulog nalang, pero sana maging maayos at masaya parin ang lahat.
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May namimiss ako. Ano bang ginagawa ng normal na tao pag meron syang namimiss?
09:25 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
been reading some machiavellian writer i recently discovered. i am halfway through the transcript of his talk in some huge university and my head started spinning already. i feel like my brains had been too exposed to goody goody books from goody goody writers that it's finding it hard to adjust. i felt my neck, i think im having fever.
nakakalagnat pala to?
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the scent of your hostility reached me across my pc, totally bypassing geography. im pretty sure you're a charmer, i didnt know u can be coquettish too. they say the most dangerous types are the mixture of 2 or more characters and i should know because im a mixed type myself.
... but i think im sick now so im letting u get this one. or maybe i should drop the game altogether.
i feel tired.
maybe im truly sick.
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"absolute power corrupts absolutely...
absolute powerlessness corrupts even more than that."
few weeks for my bsp9. nakakahiya mag beg off kung ikaw ang nag assign ng date na yun para sa sarili mo. im thinking of writing about aos... or maybe about gaining power through radical realism anik... these ideas are too good not to share but they might find it hard to accept it right away and it's just a 5 to 7 minutes speech. nako-kornihan naman akong pumili ng generic topics. i want to give them something good. something that will radically change their views about life. i think, as a speaker, our speech is our gift to our audience, and i want to give them something that will be beneficial for them and at the same time... maybe something that will make them remember me as well??
huwwooow... getting machiavellian, z?
kaso kasi, nakakatamad din talaga.
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mom's birthday today. we're probably going to have something special for dinner tonight. masaya na ko sa spaghetti at cake. sana may spaghetti at cake.
ive always loved spaghetti since i was a child. the other things i loved as a child, i already outgrown. i wonder when will i ever outgrow my love for spaghetti.
when i was a bit younger, nagkaron ako ng theory na malalaman mo lang na adult ka na pag nagsimula mo nang magustuhan ang lasa ng paksiw(isda)...
hanggang ngayon, ayoko parin ng paksiw.
01:27 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
-while everyone's having an action packed day at home with all the cleaning and cooking, im here doing yaya/tita duties, looking after my niece while she sleeps. Not really complaining.
-ok na. ok na. ok na. Promise, ok na. *repeat until u believe your own lie. Oh sh*t.
-some boy from 14 years back managed to find me. I regret that i gave him my number. I was fond of him ages ago but things are diffrent now. His "para sayo", "dahil sayo" and "lahat kakayanin ko para sayo" banat is making me cringe. Please, leave me alone.
-ok na. Ok na. Ok na. Promise, ok na.
-z, please don't cry...
09:52 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
1st time to ever spend a holiday at home in a long while. I actually took a leave for this. Errands, conversations, food. Lots of food. I remember about 5 years back when i got tired of dreaming for a better self and actually decided to make it happen. Then years passed and i sort of lost track. I miss getting tired like that.
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Today had it's own little bliss. Tito mario lent us a super cool sound system that really rocks (more like roar). We played party music with it and niece and i danced. I'm more of a country music girl and sometimes i also like jazz, but there's something about this super awesome sound system that's making me appreciate tugs tugs kind of music.
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Will be getting back to the cage tomorrow. Needless to say, im not really liking this. But i was reading sha's mission happiness book and i totally agree when she said that this has a purpose. That i have to pass this point so that i can get to my goals. That these are temporary. Sa ngayon, panghahawakan ko to.
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I remember he once asked, "natutuwa ka ba na may nanasasaktan ng dahil sayo?"
I swear the statement sounded more like an accusation than a question.
Tagalog and English are our common languages yet here we are speaking in riddles and metaphors. Why are we making being human so complicated?
Ikaw ba, natutuwa ka ba na may nasasaktak ng dahil sayo?
06:20 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
A woman stormed in to the CR crying. Another woman came in and followed her. The first wept while the other was there smoothing her back for comfort. I was there watching the whole scene amused. wow, I was never like that.
Is crying a sign of weakness? I don't know. I remember gabby once said that you can cry on your speech so long as you maintain your composure and show that you are still in control of your emotions. I agree and I think same could be said in real life offstage.
I do cry. A lot. Irrigation system levels, but I prefer not having an audience while I do. On the rare occasions that I have to, I select my audience well. My favorite is probably injan. The times that she saw me cry, never once did she ever try to stop nor console me. She just let me be. And then, we will find some amusing topic and laugh our butts off like my crying fiesta didn't happen. Bigla ko tuloy namiss si injan.
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On red alert. It's that time of the month when I'm not at my nicest. Last Tuesday, prior to a meeting, partner had to remind me, ニコニコして、when he noticed my bitchiness. I'm glad that he had seen me like that way too many times he no longer take it personally. I swear, this just hormones acting.
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Had a life assessment a few days back. I realized, I made 7 attempts in business already for the past 4 years. Wow, seven. Not bad. I remember someone once told me of this quote, something that went like, "I didn't fail 10000 times, I just discovered 10000 things that don't work". Wow, I already discovered 7. In a way, some of them actually did work, it's just that I gave up early.
I plan to revive one of the businesses that I tried back when I was starting. Buying the stuff I need this coming sat. Will also be meeting tita bebeng afterwards as she told me she's interested with this product I'm currently working with. With these, I had to skip some TM related event. I usually drop everything for a TM event but right now, I think it's about time for me to straighten my priorities. Nalulungkot din talaga ko, but I have to do this, right?
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TM Friday tomorrow. Our first time to have it in our new home. Mejo tinatamad talaga ko, but I told LA na sasabayan ko sya so I guess I'm coming. Excited din naman ako sa bangong venue. It's just that.....
Sighs.
huhupa rin to.
07:42 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
