Entries for December, 2019
Monday. My graveyard shift month at work has officially started. I forced myself not to sleep last night so that I can sleep by morning, but I only managed to stay up until 3:30am. Woke up 11:30 and I just spent the last 2 hours forcing myself to sleep.
As someone who spent her childhood, teenage years and early adult life as an insomniac, hindi ko alam kung bakit takot na takot akong mapuyat these days.
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We have a new j-hire at work. He's half Japanese but has been here in the country for only 6 years. His Filipino is almost native. 29 yo dude who has many hugots, he's really funny, I like him (not romantically, he's just 29). He's into weightlifting and often goes to the gym. When I asked him what's his goal for doing so, he was like, "para makahanap ng forever".
Hindi ko gets. He wants to find a girl (he likes the morena beauty of pinays daw), and yet he stays in the gym (yung bakal gym type na tig 50 pesos bayad). I told him, walang babae dun! Lol. It's been 2 years since he was rejected by the girl he courted for 2 years din. Naawa ako sa batang to, gusto ko sya ipakilala kay Mel. She's a morena beauty, really nice woman. I know her type though. He's probably too nice for her taste, but who knows...
Naisip ko lang din, I'm probably like this dude, naghahanap sa maling lugar, ganern. I saw a meme that say something like, baka daw kaya tayo single e dahil umuuwi tayo kagad pagkatapos ng church service.
I don't even go to church anymore.
02:42 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
2:59PM and I've been awake for 2 hours already. I'm supposed to wake up at 5. Takte, pagtulog lang ang goal ko sa araw na to, hindi ko pa magawa.
Met up with Mel last night before work to plan our trip. I just learned that some of her friends will join us. See, Mel is a very kind and considerate woman. Tingin ko, hindi nya lang talaga alam na I don't feel comfortable with strangers. Hindi ko nalang din sinabi. Siguro panahon narin para matuto akong makihalubilo sa ibang tao.
Bigla kong namiss si Injan, my favorite travel buddy.
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1st day ko bilang night shift kahapon. Someone else is sitting on my usual seat so I needed to select a new one Gelo, who logged off at 9pm, offered me to just sit on the seat he left, saying, "dito ka nalang para may kausap ka". He's so much like PK. When I asked PK saan maganda umupo, he always consider a seat kung saan may makakatabi ako in his recommendations. Sabagay, hindi nga siguro normal sa tao na ayaw ng katabi. I've long known I'm not normal. And really, do I have to? I appreciate these two though. Gelo and PK.
So, I chose a seat just adjacent to the section where the j-speakers sit. Right behind me is TL D. Next to him is PM who's an SME. I wasn't keen on sitting anywhere near D because I thought he's strict and masungit. I learned na hindi naman pala. Feeling ko nga I picked the best seat because of him. Surely, he's strict, pero within reasons naman. Takot ako magtanong dun dati, pero nakakatuwa na accomodating pala sya. Best part e alam nya lagi yung sagot. Feeling ko talaga, best seat ang napili ko dahil sa taong yun. Pero syempre takot parin ako magtanong all the time kasi baka magalit na sakin yun. I still plan to sit next to PK ng Thu and Fri pag naka rest day na yung katabi nya sa upuan. Yun kasi kahit kulitin ko, di naman magagalit yun.
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3:24pm. Wala pang 4 hours ang itinulog ko. Good luck in staying up until 6AM.
03:31 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Last Friday was our club's YEC. This is the first time, since I became a member, na hindi ako umattend. Hindi na rin ako nakaattend ng Club Officer's Training the following day, bilang 6am ang end ng shift ko. 8am-4pm training at malamang tulog ako sa mga oras na yan.
Though I miss hanging out with my people, ok lang naman.
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So, I just survived a week in graveyard shift. Not as bad as I thought. Parang nakaka adjust na rin ang body clock ko. Gaya today, kagigising ko lang kaninang 5pm. Malamang, gising ako hanggang mamayang umaga. Ang kagandahan dito e wala na akong oras gumala kaya wala rin akong masyadong gastos.
Sa work part, ok lang rin. Ang daming calls but I can't find myself complaining about it, because I actually like that I'm learning so much. Bukod don, ang bait ng seatmate ko at ang galing pa nya. Since hindi ko pa sya ka close, nahihiya rin ako magtanong. Pero Nakakatuwa na pag nakikita nya kong nag re-research, he'd go like, "anong nireresearch mo dyan?" Then, I wouldn't have to ask na. Tas pag may tanong ako na hindi nya alam, sya na ang nagtatanong kila TL for me.
Mabait siguro ako nung past life ako. Ang babait ng nga taong itinatabi sakin ng langit e.
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Another thing na gusto ko sa night shift e yung quietness ng paligid pag lumalabas ka sa gabi/madaling araw. Sobrang ganda. Tapos ang presko pa ng hangin. Kaya siguro hindi ko rin talaga namimiss ang morning shift. Pero kahit ganun, ayoko magtagal sa ganito. Baka lalo akong maging antisocial.
11:28 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Saturday. I'm yet to sleep. This effin bus is super slow I wonder if I can save time if I'll just get off here and ride a different bus. I already paid in full.
A lot of things.
Work is getting a whole lot challenging. I didn't care so much back then, but now, tinatablan na ko pag nagagalit yung user. I've been feeling low these past couple of days because of this.
On a lighter note, ang babait ng mga kasama ko sa work. Things are so much better because of them.
Then there are things outside work.
Yesterday, I woke up 4:45pm with messages from different people saying the same thing. Something that makes my heart feel so heavy, I don't really know what to do with it.
Naalala ko yung sabi ng late friend ko na si Cris. Minsan daw kailangan mong saktan ang tao para iligtas sya sa sarili nya. If you care for someone and he's running towards a cliff to his own demise, you gotta do what you gotta do. If he's not listening when you told him to stop, then tackle with him, pin him on the ground, break his leg if you must--all to stop him from destroying himself. I don't know if love is always this complicated. I don't know.
Pero ok lang. Kaya nya yan. I know, kaya nya yan.
Family stuff.
I booked a place around metro for my family to stay over tbe weekend next week. I bought a reservation for a dinner cruise for all six of us. Sa totoo lang, gusto ko mag-ipon at mag invest. Para samin din naman talaga even yung pag-iipon at pag iinvest part. Pero naalala ko kasi si Tita Be. She tried bringing Lola out as much as she can when Lola was still alive. But Lola was too old to enjoy it, she couldn't even climb into the car. I'm worried that if I wait till I have more than enough money na e too old na ang parents ko to enjoy the things I want them to experience. So, sige. Bahala na.
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Gaaarawr! Napaka traffic. Nakakapikon. Ugh.
10:54 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Intramuros between '02-'07.
We were on the walls--the two of us, overlooking the golf course, waiting for Lights and Sounds Museum to open. We were poor college students without a peso under our name. We munched on Skyflakes and some candies as we wait.
Were we happy?
Why, I can't remember anymore.
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Our plan this weekend is to roam around MOA, visit Intramuros, and if time allows, maybe we'll go food tripping in Binondo. Brother bought 3 tickets for his family to watch Disney on Ice. Mom's not interested so we'll probably do something else around those hours. I downloaded a map of Intramuros in preparation, along with the schedules of activities happening around. Nandun pa pala yung Lights and Sounds. The heaviness in my chest is still there. I wonder if this will ever go away.
His wife is pregnant now.
01:53 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Haven't been in my best mood these past few days. Maybe because, I'm on red alert. Today is particularly nasty. I got home around 8am and the house was locked. I kicked the door and called out Mom on top of my lungs, though I was sure she wasn't there. I saw my pregnant sis-in-law, all pale from just getting up from her sleep, climbed down the stairs to open the door for me. Turned out, Parents forgot to leave the keys when they left to go to palengke.
I ate junk for breakfast because there was no food yet. I feel like choc-o is the culprit why I still could not sleep when I should have slept 3 hrs ago. That, and also all the drilling happening in the next room--parents' room. They're having an aircon installed, so yeah. Looks like I won't be sleeping today. I'm really feeling frustrated about this that I want to get a knife and kill myself already.
Lol.
Not joking though.
12:12 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
A guy coworker was sharing stories about his life, where he said, "traumatic error" instead of "traumatic experience". Lol, #ITproblems
Hello, good morning! Almost 4 hours here in the office's sleeping quarters and I'm still wide awake. I need to fix myself by 11 so I can meet my family in Manila by 1pm. Office is in QC.
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"Nag-aral ka pa, tas magko-call center ka lang?"
I used to say this to my brother, or anyone from my relatives who were planning to work in call centers. But karma is a bigger bitch, so here I am working in-- oh, guess what-- a call center!
Yes, it's humbling and all, but I never really felt like I'm being punished. If anything, I learned to treat this profession- and the people working here-- with so much respect. Ang dami kayang magagaling dito.
Tapos, natutunan ko rin na being on graveyard shift is not really so bad. Kung hindi ko lang iniisip ang Elite, I'd love to stay in this shift a little longer pa.
Know what, the acct manager talked to us the month before I went to night shift. He told us the account's situation. If the client will decide to take the other company instead of us, well have until July to finish the contract and then we'll disperse to different accounts na. I'm not so sure if same will be true for bilinguals like myself. I dont know if there're enough accounts who are in need of Japanese speakers here. Sa tingin ko, hindi ko parin naman naiisip yun.
I'm just starting to learn about my work here. Sayang naman yung mga natutunan ko. It's been a long while since I really work, and I want to do good.
Then, more than that, I'm also just starting to get to know the people here... pag umalis ako dito, bagong pakikisama na naman.
I really wish that the Heavens will allow all of us to stay longer pa. Sana.
10:20 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Papatapos na ang taon. Ang daming dapat gawin. Ang dami ko rin ipinag-aalala tungkol sa buhay buhay.
I just booked for my parents flight to Taiwan on Feb na sabay sa flight namin ni Mel. Bigla kong na realize na wala akong ipon and I need now 3 times of my original target budget. Lol. This is only 2 salary cut offs away. Bahala na.
Dad started exercising again para daw makapaglakad sya ng maayos pag nag Taiwan kami. When we had our family trip kasi in Intramuros, napagod sya at nagpaiwan nalang sa bench. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako kukuha ng pera. Hahahaha.
When we were in college, I had this friend na ang daming issues sa buhay. We often helped her get through her life as a student, but I used to hate it when this control freak (myself) was already pulling her hair to help a friend get through an impossibly tight situation, tapos the friend she was helping was acting all chill pa, saying, "God will provide."
Looking back, she was indeed able to go through all the hard times with just that idea though.
All my life, I've always worked and worried my way into having things done. It made me always stressed, but I did get things done. Iniisip ko if magwo-work ba sakin ang pagigimg chill. Right now, I feel like that's the best choice I have. God will provide.
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Ang daming bagay na nag-aalala ako.
Yung work ko na hindi ko alam kung makikeep ko ba since we're still waiting for the decision of the client if they'll keep us or not. I'm not even regular yet. Hindi ko rin alam kung anong mangyayari pag hindi kami nakakuha ng favorable na decision.
Yung Taiwan trip nga.
My parents' health.
My singularity at this age. Yes, there's that too.
And then this person that I'm worried about...
yung future ng club...
kung dapat pa ba ko mag stay...
kung kaya ko bang isabay lahat ng to considering na ang dami ko na ring inaalala even without this...
...
I woke up early kanina. Mga 5am. At around 6am, bumaba ako sa may sala to find that I was alone in the house. Namalengke pala ang mga magulang ko. I took my time to enjoy the silence. I opened the back door of our house and smelled the fresh air sa garden ng tatay ko. Namunga na pala ang puno ng papaya. Yung isa, namumulaklak na. Pa chirp chirp lang din ang nga ibon at ang sarap nilang pakinggan.
Know what, hindi naman talaga ganun kasama. Ok naman talaga ang buhay ko. Sadyang mahirap lang talagang hindi mag-alala, pero kung tutuusin, ok lang naman talaga.
Siguro for once, kailangan ko ring matutunang maging chill at maniwala na God will really provide.
May mga days na nalulungkot din ako at nao overwhelm. There were days I've spent crying because I felt unsure on what to do. Days that looked so nice on the external. But then they were. It's just that, life has so many angles pa at hindi naman lahat, naka capture ng camera.
2019 had been a happy year, but December was the most challenging part.
And it's not over yet.
03:04 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
