Entries for January, 2020
I was happy ob my way to work last night because I was able to negotiate my way into getting the shift I want: 10AM-7PM.
Now I'm half way to my last night shift (at least for this month), and I can already feel it sucking all the happiness out of me.
Pagod na ko, Universe. T_T
Thankful ako sa trabaho ko. Really, I am. And I know I'll be in big trouble kung mawawala sakin to.
Pero in my heart, dama ko na hindi para sakin ang corporate world.
Anong gagawin ko, Universe? T_T
03:20 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
So, umuwi ako sa bahay from work. Kumain at nakipagchismisan saglit sa kapatid ko, tapos umalis papuntang bangko sa may SM. Hindi pa natutulog, hindi pa naliligo. Hindi na rin ako nag bother ma mag lipstick.
So, past 12 nung lumabas ako ng SM pauwi na sa bahay. May lalaking sumalubong sakin na panay sabi ng "Miss..." akala ko mga tricycle driver na nangungulit na sumakay or kaya goons, so di ko pinansin. Tas lalong lumapit yung lalaki at panay miss ng miss ps rin sakin. Pag tingin ko sa guy p*@! $#/&*?!!! Yung crush ko sa previous company ko! Takte. Anong ginagawa nito sa SJDM, Bulacan, e alam ko taga Fairview to? Sheeesh.
Wala lang. I had all the time in the world para magsuklay man lang at mag lipstick. Takte, jahe. Sighs.
Anyway, ayun lang naman. Hindi na naman kami magkikita ulet non. Yaan mo na.
Naalala ko lang yung line sa Meteor Garden dati... dapat daw ang babae, laging nag-aayos at nagpapaganda dahil hindi nya alam kung kelan nya makikita ang prince charming nya. Oh sya, next time.
PS: Dapat pala nag picture ako. Wala lang. Remembrance.
12:28 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
So, andalas kong umiyak lately kaya laging ang sakit ng ulo ko. Gaya kanina paalis ako ng bahay at nakita ko sa news ang nangyayari sa Australia. Awang awa ako sa mga hayop. Sumakit yung ulo ko sa pagpigil ng luha kasi pag nakita ng nanay ko na mugto ang mata ko at namumula ang ilong ko, anong isasagot ko pag nagtanong sya? Lol.
May nabasa ako na umuulan na daw sa Australia. Sana tuloy tuloy na. Heavens, please...
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So ayun. Most of the time, normal naman ako. Pero kanikanina lang mejo bad trip ako dahil sa daming hassle na na eencounter namin in planning my trip to Taiwan. I asked TL if he got the leave request I sent him. He did daw. Hindi lang daw sya Nag reply. I don't know kung anong ibig sabihin non at kung papayagan nya ba ko. Juice colored, ayoko na maghanap ulit ng trabaho.
Tapos problema din ang pag book ng place. Initial plan kasi bilang babae kami lahat, all girls hostel. Pero dahil kasama si papa, I was met with the following options:
1. Mag all girls kami lahat with Mom and then Dad will be on the other floor na all boys naman.
2. Mixed na boys and girls pero pati cr dun mixed na boys and girls.
Sa totoo lang, nahihiya na ko kay Mel sa hassle na dulot nito. Ayoko ihawalay samin si Papa kasi matanda na yun, baka biglang madulas or something e hindi na malakas ang tuhod nun. Pero parang hindi rin ako comfortable na may kasamang mga lalaki na hindin ko kilala sa banyo. Nag check ako ng airbnb. Magaganda sana at comoarable ang price, kaso naman 'Te, naka Chinese! In the end, I told Mel na the 3 of us will opt to the mixed option nalang. If ever, pwede naman na sabay sabay nalang kami mag cr kung nakakatakot. Malay mo, sa mixed cr ko makilala yung "The One" ko. Lol.
Irita, inis, saya, drama moments-- halo halong emosyon ang na fi feel ko lately. Siguro malapit na mag time of the month. Must be hormones. Pero ngayon, natutunan ko na magpalit palit man ang nararamdaman ko, hindi parin feelings ang bubuo ng pagkatao ko, kundi siguro e yung mga choices ko. I'm choosing to be happy and calm no matter how messed up I feel inside. 34 years of existence told me that feelings do pass by anyway. Walang reason para ma attach tayo sa emotions natin. Ganun. Basta ang hirap mag explain.
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Contest on Sat. Tinatamad ako. May practice din kami bukas. Tinatamad din ako. Kaya ko lang gusto pumunta e dahil one of us is a doctor, and he reserved us a practice venue sa conference room sa isang hospital na malapit sa work ko. Bilang isa sa mga frustrations ko ang maging doctor, gusto ko pumunta dahil lang sa venue. Tsaka parang ang astig e. May conference room pala sa hospital?
Iniisip ko parin kung pupunta na ko. Putek, nakakatamad.
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Sana okay kang sina Brett at Eddy sa Australia. : (
08:44 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Bo Sanchez often tells the story on how he met his wife. Sabi nya, he used to see her daw, not as a woman, but as a monoblock chair. Gaya ng tingin nya sa mga furniture. Dinadaan daanan nya lang. Masyado daw kasi syang busy nun.
A friend and I was chatting a few days back. The friend had just gotten married February last year and is now pregnant. As usual, she's still pressuring me about my relationship status.
Know what, I've thought about it for long and I think it's about time to give it a rest. Ayoko nang pilitin ang sarili ko sa awkward dates, chats, whatevs. Ok naman ako as is. Bakit kailangan ko pang baguhin?
This allows to me free up a lot of my time and focus on things that I truly like to do. I also feel less awkward around men now as I no longer see them as a potential love life. All good.
But then, there's this monoblock chair that I've been noticing for a while now...
Pero wala lang naman. Mukhang hindi naman sya single. Siguro tamang pampasaya lang ng araw habang iniisip ko pa kung paano ko magagawa lahat ng gusto ko sa buhay.
Si Monoblock Chair. Lol.
Promise, wala akong gagawin.
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Area contest in 2 days time. Tinatamad akong umalis pero excited akong makita ang mga friends ko. Nalulungkot ako dahil alam kong wala sya and I'm really sad on how things turned up for him. At times I wonder how he's doing. At times I'm worried on how his absence will affect us, people of the same circle, now that he's no longer around. Ang dami kong hindi alam. Ayoko pa rin magtanong. Sa tingin ko kasi, minsan, ang kindest na pwede natin gawin sa isang tao e to not ask them difficult questions.
Nalulungkot pa rin ako.
07:56 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Gumising akong mejo tinatamad na umalis ng bahay. Ang puso at diwa ko kasi ay nagbabakasyon na sa Taiwan nitong mga nakaraang araw. Pero nagbago ang lahat ng nakita ko ang mga kasama ko sa club. Lakas mang asar at mang bully ng mga taong to. Kaya siguro love ko sila.
In the end, nanalo ko bilang champion sa contest. Hindi ako nagkaron ng time na maenjoy ang victory ko dahil tawang tawa ko sa mga kalokohan ng mga kasama ko. Yung tinawag yung pinakamalakas na contender bilang second place, inassume na nila na ako ang nanalo. Ayoko nga sana lumapit sa stage kasi hindi ko naman narinig na tinawag yung pangalan ko sa sobrang ingay nila. Kinilig lang ako when AD Ces was teasing the audience before announcing the champion saying, "I'm looking at her right now", while looking at me. Wala lang. Ang saya lang.
Winning the area contest means I should be advancing to the division level. This will be happening on Feb 8. I will be in Taiwan then. I knew this from the start and I was okay with it. Nalungkot lang ako kasi Keren from the neighboring club sweetly offered na me-makeupan nya daw ako sa division contest. Tas nalaman ko pa na nag champion pala yung crush ko from other club dun sa area nila sa same category. Makakalaban ko sana sya sa division kung makaka attend lang ako.
Gusto ko makalaban si Crush. Syempre hindi ako magpapatalo. Sana mamove ang contest. I already talked to the 1st runner up regarding this though. But who knows... Universe, baka naman po...
Pero all kababawan aside, I'm happy that I won. Things haven't been smooth in the club lately. Or maybe feeling ko lang. But I think this victory brought smile to our faces, and that more than paid the price.
Next year, lalaban ako ulit. Gusto ko makaabot sa district level at maging national champion.
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One of the reasons why I wished to win the contest even before I actually did e para malaman nung everyday crush ko na I'm really good. Tas di man lang nya ni like yung post ko. Hmp.
Syet, ambabaw. Lol.
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One of the perks of not being pressured about getting married anymore e I can like whoever I want na.
There's this dude I've noticed since the last time we had a lengthy talk. For someone so young, he's quite matured. And with him, grabe, walang dull moments. Ang sarap nya kasing kausap. Bukod dun, ang ganda rin ng buhok nya, ang haba ng pilikmata, tas ang ganda rin ng kamay nya. He's such a gentleman also and is really generous. When he's not wearing anything formal, tipong everyday casual lang, he kinda looks gwapo and nagiging obvious ang pagiging rich kid nya. On top of that, he's very very smart. I think his only flaw is that, he's just 21 years old. Lol.
I used to like 1 guy at a time lang, pero ngayon paramiran na. And really, why not? For 1, hindi naman nila alam. Lol. 2, hindi ko naman sila papakasalan lahat. Lol ulet.
12:38 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
9:22am. 10 o'clock ang pasok ko pero halfway palang ako ng byahe. 3 consecutive days na kong late. Ayoko na, Universe!
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A lot of things running in my head. January palang, puno na ang sched ko the entire year. Hindi ata sasapat ang 10 VLs ko. I don't even know if may VL na ko since I'm yet to hear anything about my regularization eventhough I'm on my 6th month here already. Bahala na.
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I've been browsing for luxury pieces recently. Hindi naman talaga ako bibili. Pinapasaya ko lang ang sarili ko at the thought na kahit paano, afford ko naman yan. Tumitingin din ako ng mga murang tours kung saan pwede kong dalhin ang buong pamilya ko. Next year nalang siguro. Kaso may bago na kaming baby non (sis-in-law is pregnant and I'll be having my 1st nephew around May 2020!), baka mahirap pa mag travel.
Naalala ko yung sabi ni Rex Mendoza dati. Most of the rich people daw do not enjoy spending money, they enjoy making more money. Siguro same yun sa sayang nararamdaman ko pag nakikita kong tumataas ang presyo ng stocks ko sa stock market. Ewan ko. Siguro imbis na humanap ako ng pagkakagastusan e dapat humanap ako ng way to make more money... something sustainable. Para dumating ang araw na hindi ko na kailangan matakot na mawawalan ako ng trabaho kung lagi akong late or absent. Don't get me wrong, I love my job. I love the people here. And I still consider this as one of God's greatest blessings since last year.
Still, hindi parin nawawala ang pangarap kong maging financially free.
May nakita akong ad sa fb tungkol sa business presentation for travel and tours business. I sent them a message to express my interest. Alam kong marami nang travel and tours business, pero ok lang. I want to still try.
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Kagabi, a friend sent me a message na may sars daw sa China at may potential na mag spread sa Taiwan. I researched about it and can't help but feel worried. Kung ako lang mag-isa, ok lang. But I'm bringing my parents with me, so I'm not so sure anymore. I told Mom about it and mentioned that Taiwan is tightening their security by monitoring the temperature of the people arriving to their country. Mom said she have colds daw and decided to see a doctor kasi baka daw hindi sya papasukin sa taiwan pag may sakit sya. She's more concerned about not being let in, than catching the virus. Ewan ko sa nanay ko. Kung ako masusunod, ayoko na sila tumuloy. Mas mataas kasi ang mortality rate sa mga people ages 50 and above pag nagkaron ng SARS. Iniisip ko nalang, love naman kami ni God. Siguro magma mask nalang kami the entire travel and madalas na mag a alcohol at sanitizer.
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Isang linggo ka nang absent. Bakit?
09:47 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Gusto ko ng designer's bag.
Gusto ko lang. Hindi naman ako bibili.
Tsaka paano naman ako bibili kung alam kong may pinatay na crocodile o kaya ostrich para lang dun sa bag ko.
Hindi nga ako kumakain ng hayop e.
Pero gusto ko parin ng designer's bag.
Sabagay, nagtitipid naman ako.
Magtayo kaya ako ng couture brand na cruelty free. Mamahalan ko ng bongga para magkandarapa ang mga mayayaman at gustong magmukhang mayaman para bumili.
10:46 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
A month before my trip, nagsubmit na ko ng leave request kay TL. Ewan ko kung nakukulitan na ba sya sakin. Shift bid kami ngayon, meaning, kung sino ang mas mataas na score, sya ang may karapatang mamili ng shift.
Partial result for the 1st 17 days of the month just came this week. I'm ranked 6th. 8 lang kami. Syempre naka panic mode na ko dahil dito dahil: 1) ayoko na bumalik sa night shift, 2) I need the best shift possible para konti lang ang makuha sa leave ko for the Taiwan trip, 3 ) Well, mejo nagising rin ang competitive side ko. Syempre ayokong matalo. But more than anything else, ayoko na talagang bumalik sa night shift.
Had a coaching sesh with TL earlier. Inexplain nya kung paano kino compute yung scores. Iniisip ko kung nakukulitan na ba sakin to.
Hayst. Ang hirap mag leave. Ang hirap, Universe. And this is just the 1st streak. I have more in the following months.
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Ang alam ko, I've unfollowed the guy a long time ago na. Ewan ko kung bakit lumabas sa news feed ko yung post na tinag sa kanya ng wife nya. Nanganak na pala yung asawa nya. Baby girl. Kamukha nya. Hindi naman na masakit. Pero syempre may part sakin na nagwo wonder, "kung kami ang nagkatuluyan, ano kaya hitsura ng anak namin?"
It helps na may iba akong nagugutuhan ngayon.
Pero negs din. Wala naman syang gusto sakin. Hahaha. Pero ok lang. Mejo boss ko kasi yun so magiging complicated lang pag na reciprocate. Tamang pang paalis lang ng boredom lalo na't naiistress na ko sa kaganapan sa iba't ibang aspects ng buhay ko.
Minsan naiisip ko na "hindi kaya panahon na para bumuo ako ng pamilya?" But building a family requires another person. And that other person is out of my control. I have decided to let go of everything that I couldn't control.
Tingin ko, magpapayaman nalang ako.
08:18 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
I brought some clothes with me today. I don't have plans on going home kasi. There was some fellowship night with the gang. I had other plans but some newbie member asked for me to go kasi nahihiya daw sya kung wala syang kakilala. I obliged. Tomorrow, I'll be doing some errands and maybe go home by afternoon.
We went out tonight. The 21-year old rich kid crush was there. I've always found him easy to talk to, it's kinda odd that he couldn't even look at me kanina. Ewan ko dun. Siguro kasi anlakas ko rin kasi syang asarin. Napipikon na kaya to?
When we were getting home, he offered na ibaba nya na ko along EDSA. We came from QC, he dropped me off to Boni kahit papunta syang Marikina. IkR. Well, hinatid nya rin naman yung isa pang kasama namin. Tamang kwentuhan inside the car. Ngayon ko lang syang narinig na nakipagsabayan sa asaran. I felt like the drive was too short. Masarap pa rin sya kausap.
Ayun lang naman. Siguro sadyang masarap lang kausap ang mga kabataan. And he's actually very matured to talk to. Such a breath of fresh air.
I'm starting to weigh my chances. Lol, this is ridiculous.
You know why I took up Civil Engineering kahit naknakan ako ng arte at ayoko ng maalikabok at mainit? Because I knew this was a challenging course. Yung tipong pag napasa mo, feeling mo ang galing mo. Parang miscellaneous exercises sa Algebra book ni Catalina Mijares. Gaya ng math problems na mahirap i-solve.
Eto na naman tayo, Z...
Nakahanap na naman tayo ng Math problem.
12:13 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
"Mukhang may chemistry kayo nung bago nating member," Andee told me the last time we met. I just laughed because the person she's talking about is my mentee. I was the one who assigned mentors to our new members. To be fair, I assigned it through draw lots. Promise, hindi ako nandaya. Kung ako pumili non, iba siguro pipiliin ko. Lol.
I was watching the vids that I got from our Friday night bonding yesterday. Aliw na aliw ako sa bago kong mentee kasi ang kulit kulit nya. Sa totoo lang, when I got his name sa draw lots, mejo di ko bet. Akala ko kasi snob sya, mayabang, at tipong hindi magiging active sa meeting. E takte, ang kulit kulit pala nitong taong to.
Ang tagal na when I added him sa FB bilang part ng trabaho ko ang mangulit sa mga role takers every meeting, pero ngayon ko lang naisipang i-check ang profile nya. What the efffffff, lawyer to? National defense something something, basta tunog astig. Yung kasama naming makipagkulitan at tumatawa na parang walang bukas e may ganito palang background? Wala lang. Interesting.
Then I started asking a friend na kilatisin kung bading ba to (because you know my inclinations, right?)Tapos ngayon nag wa wonder ako kung single kaya sya. Hahaha.
Kahapon lang sa ibang lalaki ka interesado. Lol.
Pero, come on. I have all the right to be kerengkeng because I'm very much single. Haha.
10:24 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Some messages from a single friend. I wouldn't notice that vday is up and coming if it wasn't for this. We still don't have a venue for this Friday's meeting. My leave is not yet officially approved. NCoV swiftly spreading accross Asia, and I'm going to Taiwan with parents. No news yet as to weather my wish to have the Division contest moved to a later date after my trip. The District Convention on April. My leaves. Next month's work sched. Etc, etc.
See, busy is good. Hindi ko namalayan ang Valentines.
Ayoko pumasok ng Feb 14. Traffic nyan. Madaming may hawak na flowers. Ano kayang shift ko sa February? Nakakainis na wala kaming meeting sa club nyan. Gusto kong patulan yung weekedn getaway na nakita ko sa FB kaso baka wala pa kong pera nyan bilang kagagaling ko lang Taiwan by then. Mag sick leave kaya ko? Wala naman ako ivi-VL ng March. Ok lang kahit masira ang stat. Nakakatamad.
If I will step back and look at my life, ano na bang nangyari sa buhay ko?
Gusto ko parin mag asawa. Bumuo ng pamilya. Pero wala akong pake sa mga nang pe pressure sakin na gawin ito agad agad. See, I've worked on myself all these years to become a better human being. I can't just settle sa unang goon na magkagusto sakin just because of my ticking body clock. Wala akong pake. I'm upholding my standards and I truly believe that mine are reasonable.
As of the moment, tatlong lalaki lang ang tingin kong may interes sakin. Dalawa sa kanila, may asawa. Yung isa... ugh, never mind. Basta. Sa totoo lang, since I'm a woman who genuinely likes men, I always see something nice about every man I meet. Appreciative naman ako sa mga ginagawa nila for me. Pero, PERO, sa tingin ko, hangga't mahal ko ang nanay ko, hindi ako papatol sa may asawa. Wala akong pake kahit ilang taon na kayong hiwalay. Walang divorce sa Pilipinas. Ayokong maging kabit. Sabi nila, mahirap daw magsalita ng tapos, pero sana mapangatawanan ko to habang buhay.
Okay naman ako. I'm happy with all that I have. And even at times that I feel so stressed out with what's going on with my life, I still feel grateful. I have never felt that I'm lacking anything. Feeling ko nga, bonus nalang sakin ang pagkakaroon pa ng jowa.
But I do want to build a family. Yung family na sabay nagsisimba. Lahat ng mga natutunan ko while I've been growing myself as a single woman, ituturo ko sa mga magiging anak ko. Ang goal na ito lang naman ang basis ko sa standards ko sa lalaki. Dapat single. Dapat Catholic. Dapat may good moral character and values. May physical strength ng isang lalaki na magiging leader ng pamilya. Kahit hindi kasing laki ng sahod ko ang sahod nya, keri na, basta may maayos na trabaho. Optional lang, pero sana naman matalino rin para matatalino yung magiging anak namin. Yung hindi rin naninigarilyo because my eyes very sensitive to smoke, and I can't stand the smoke. At syempre ayoko rin naman yung maaga syang mamamatay dahil sa lung cancer.
Reasonable naman di ba?
Pero ok lang din.
Pag hindi ko to nahanap, ie-enjoy ko nalang ang buhay ko.
11:00 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
I'm having rashes all over, my mom suspects I'm allergic to shrimp. Like, wtf.
This morning, an officemate noticed the rashes on my neck and she was like, "ba't ka my kiss mark". Mej nakakajahe bilang may kasama kaming lalaki, but more than that, baka marinig nung crush ko at maniwala. Good thing he wasn't there.
Takte, crush daw. Ang highschool.
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Will meet Mel over dinner tomorrow.
By Friday, we'll have an ambush meeting at a coffee shop.
Saturday and Sunday, I'll pack my bags for Taiwan.
Please pray for me, my parents and Mel so we'll have a safe trip and go back home with our health intact.
On March, I agreed to join officemates to watch hot air balloons.
I don't know if this is a good idea.
02:42 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Depressing times.
I left the work station to go to the cr. I didn't press the aux kasi bababa yung pangalan ko, e wala pa nga ko nakukuhang call today. May called me from the rest room na may pumasok daw na call. I was about to answer it na when the caller hung up.
From 6th, my name went up to the top 3 sa ranking. May pag-asa na sana akong makuha yung shift na gusto ko, until I abandoned this call. Hindi ko pa alam ang repercussion nito. Baka i-deny yung leave ko... or mawawalan na ba ko ng trabaho?
Hay, Universe... please send help. T_T
02:14 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
