Entries for July, 2015
pfffftt.
sighs.
im kind of having an unusual dilemma.
just a year ago, ive written some love story thingy in our blog, excerpts of which, i actually copied from one of my posts here. written that down back when i was fantasizing liking some gay guy. no one noticed that article until today when some reader commented, asking for the continuation. check the post <here>. *commercial commercial*
pffffftt ulet.
in real life, the story ended with the gay guy finding a bf before i actually did. i cant really end the story just how it ended in real life, right? that's rather unromantic. sheeesh.. dapat hindi ko nalang nilagyan ng "to be continued.."
well, still, i find it funny how i can laugh about it now.
humans are made to recover indeed. pero syempre, namo-mroblema parin ako kung pano ko tatapusin yung story..
sighs..
over the years, ang dami nang nangyari. i often find myself tracing the past for what has gotten wrong, or on what ive done wrong, but i realized that maybe, if i dwell on what's behind, i might miss seeing the wonders of the present which could have far more impact to what's ahead--in my future. live at the moment. i know this, i should do.
basta sa ngayon, siguro ayun na muna.. leave the past behind and live at the present moment tapos bahala na sa future. that shouldnt be hard right?
we'll see.
01:17 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
naisip ko lang..
siguro, nagkakaron lang ng saysay ang buhay ng tao pag nagsimula na syang i-lift yung concern nya from himself at magsimula na syang magpahalaga ng iba bukod sa sarili nya.
sa totoo lang, nabo-bored na ko na sarili ko lang ang laging iniintindi ko.
but im so used to being like this im not so sure if i can be something else.
---
anyway,
ang ganda ng ulan ngayon. nakakasenti.
well, lagi namang maganda ang ulan.
02:07 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
it's a tuesday morning.
a lot of things running in my head. i need to write.
--
arrived at edsa 2 hours earlier than my shift. was late almost 1 hour yesterday so i left the house an hour earlier tapos this?? this in unfair!!!..haha. echos lang. not complaining.
masaya rin palang dumarating ng maaga. feeling mo kahet ano pwede mong gawin. free time = freedom. freedom. wow. feeling ko kung may isang bagay na sobrang importante saken, siguro freedom yun.
decided to pass the time at some food chain one ride away from the office. sat at the seat near the glass walls overlooking the busy streets of metro manila. earphones in my ears playing music in full volume and a yeng remulla book in my hands. kulang nalang coffee tas a little rain. priceless. sa totoo lang, ganito lang naman ang kaligayahan ko. simple lang.
--
i wonder if im starting to settle for a mediocre life.. ayoko non. ayoko ng ganun.
sa totoo lang, kuntento naman ako-masaya, even- sa kung anong meron ako. hindi lang ako kuntento sa kung ano ako. i think that's what aches inside me most of the time..
hinahanap ko parin yung greatness.. gusto ko paring maging great. siguro delusional lang ako, but be it.
--
last night at dinner, we were all joking around and they were teasing me about what became of my career etc. that was when bro said, "ganun ata talaga pag matalino, maraming gustong gawin.."
know what, i really love how brother thinks highly of me when i can barely think of myself that way.. it makes everything a whole less awful.
--
there's a lot of things to be thankful for it's making my heart swell.
i may not have everything i want at the moment. but with everything i have at the moment, im really really thankful.
07:38 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
read in the book im currently reading(re-reading actually) about this someone who wanted to build a guitar for himself but dont know how to start.
When he asked the founder of a world-renowned guitar manufacturer, "What is the best way to start?" The founder answered something that goes, "Go make a really bad guitar." The concept was, stop putting it off and go do it- even if it means you'd start off making something really bad. I guess same could be true in other areas of life. particularly that area. which made me think, 'oh, maybe this is what i need. Start with a really bad guitar.'
see, i have this little-miss-perfectionist side where i put things off until everything looks perfect before i start. i wonder if that's just my ingenious way to procrastinate. or bail out. or whatever.
i wonder if i should start and make something really bad instead.
and so yesterday morning, i went to the chap. asked the Heavens, "give me a bad guitar, will You?"
and I thought I saw Him wink, which I took as a "sure my child, wish granted."
maybe it was just a trick of light... or maybe because my vision's not really that good to begin with (got 200-200 eyesight).
also, im just Human too. I admit im not free from my own biases....
So, Heavens..
is he Your 'really bad guitar'?
or is this just a really bad idea?
----
panata day Wednesday. I need this..
07:22 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
like im not posting something everyday. yeah.
my head feels so cramped up so im dumping some of the contents here.
--
got my 4th and 5th ear pierce yesterday. bale 2 sa left tas 3 sa right. i wouldn't have meddled with the left ear kung hindi lang required na bumili ng earrings in pairs. arg. iniisip ko kung magiging issue ba to sa greeter duties ko. i cant remove it for the next 2 to 3 weeks. pak. ang saket ng ears ko. i feel like these are more painful than the last one i had. the dude who pierced my ears was a bit brute. tipong.. "ok, 1,2,3..pak!".. ganun lang.. well, at least, nag "1,2,3" sya.
now im satisfied. these will be my last ear pierce ever.--- kaya lang, a pierced tragus looks nice too.. pero parang ang saket.. or basta. bahala na.. next year siguro. first things first.
im scouting for a decent tattoo parlor that i can trust. i aim to get inked before the 30th birthday. they say good tattoo parlors are mostly fully booked so you have to get an appointment weeks before. i think i still have an ample time. i want something simple and subtle. yung minimalist, para i can still look classy.
shucks... am i really doing this??!!!
feeling ko, this is my way of fighting some lifelong inner battle. And for once, im winning.
--------------------------------------
lately, ive been fancying doing some bold changes. like the ones i did 2 years ago. yung super life changing na decision na one-way lang, once you're there, wala nang balikan. no turning back. ganun.
im thinking of leaving. somewhere far. in the west siguro. hindi ko maisip kung pano ko gagawin yun or kung anong gagawin ko dun. pero naeexcite ako at the thought.
but part of me's wondering if im just running away.
but, well, kung hindi yun, i want to do something i haven't done before. something na hindi ko maimagine na makakaya kong gawin? something... grand. i want to be one with those people that i look up to. i want to be something.. great.
great. sighs.. eto na naman tayo..
kung eto talaga ang gusto ko.. dapat my ginagawa na ko ngayon, di ba.
--------------------------------------
i hate how you're starting to invade my head. i can feel myself losing. i hate losing.
--------------------------------------
dad's birthday today. we'll celebrate this weekend. and 2 weeks after that will be my bro's bday celeb. i dont know how im gonna reach the item no. 4 in my bucket list with all these pigging out. tsk.
--------------------------------------
its raining again. i love the rain.
09:56 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
my laptop just died out on me last night, i want to cry. huhu.
anyway, it's a beautiful friday morning when one would love to sit somewhere cozy and drink coffee--which i did. now my stomach feels like there's a rampaging godzilla in it. huhu, my poor stomach...
i wonder if people can die with GERD. if so, please pray for my soul...
--
know what, these past few days had been a tumultuous phase for me. or at least, emotionally.
i hate being shaken like this.
i think ive worked on myself to become someone indestructible. where no one can fall me apart.
and i hate drama. that's too much work.
and it doesnt help when someone will just pop out of the blue to threaten my peace...
sometimes i think i see love as a battle. tipong ang unang mahulog, talo. at syempre ayokong natatalo.
iniisip ko kung healthy pa ba to... this defense mechanism to protect myself.
...
but then maybe, im just confusing myself unnecessarily.
10:17 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
my laptop's still alive. thank you, Lord!
---
such an unproductive day. my location is bad enough and i hate that the traffic's stealing precious hours or my life away. hindi ko maintinhan kung bakit kung kelan tag-ulan e saka naman laging maraming inaayos na kalsada.
---
family's day out tom. dad's birthday celebration. i was suggesting na mag order nalang kami at sa bahay nalang kumain. nakakatamad kasi. this rainy season seems to be setting me automatically into hermit mode.
---
we're almost half way through july. the weighing scales says im still fine, but i can already feel flabs forming around the waist since ive been eating a lot and havent been moving much lately. the flabs weren't there before. i have a few more months. i know i should start moving now if id like to make it to my goal. started crunches, other ab exercises and a few arm toning exercise yesterday. ang saket ng abs ko. lalo tuloy akong tinatamad lumabas. arg.
im thinking of signing up again for the indoor pool near the office. kaso tag-ulan nga. di ba parang ang weird ko non, baka ako lang ang nagswi-swimming habang umuulan. well, wapakels naman talaga ko sa sasabihin ng mga tao pero baka rin kasi sipunin ako or something. kaso hindi ko naman maisip kung sang panig ng araw ko ko isisingit ang cardio. pero sabi nga, if there's a will there's a way. gusto ko narin talagang pumayat.
---
ang daming gagawin at ang dami ko nang nasasayang na oras. im worried that if i fail to find a way to get myself out of my situation, baka forever na akong mastuck dito. oh, Heavens... please..
i decided not to proceed with the project that cousin and i have been thinking of starting. siguro nga promising yung project, but im no longer young. i dont want to waste away the remaining times of my life doing something i hate. i want to do something i love to do at ang pinaka malaki kong problema e hindi ko talaga alam kung ano ba yun.
---
"when the devil calls, don't argue, just hang up."- heard this somewhere and it seems timely. i know my life's setup is bad enough and complicating it further will not make it any better. pero sa ngayon, ang gusto ko lang talaga e bumalik nalang sa dati lahat. sana may remote control na nag re-reset sa mga bagay bagay sa buhay.
*stop* ... *reset* ... *play*
sana pwede nalang yun.
but humans live on what's there. not on what's not...
...
and yes, im sucking it up.
11:42 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
j-holiday on mon. so its gonna be a long weekend for me.
really now, i just want to wrap myself in a cocoon and hibernate.
----
a college friend who just came back to RP was arranging a meetup.
nini's silent. so is shara, but of course she's not likely to come. she has a 4 month old baby to attend to. the boys are planning for a sleep over even. his answer as to whether he's coming or not is still vague.
...
it's been years.. i wonder if its about time to be friends again...
09:38 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
this is one of those days when i feel like im not gonna be happy again..
can someone give me a happy pill?
---
one more hit and i feel like life will this time succeed in reducing me into pieces.
f*ck this.
{ 気分} sad
09:46 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
holiday friday and im here at work but not really working so there's nothing really to complain about, right?
id love to do some weekend soul-searching somewhere where i can see the sky tainted with orange streak plus a view of the sea and so on, but im currently in a strong need to regulate my expenses. so i guess no.
might be watching mmxxl with yang this weekend. i miss my girls. i miss injan too. there are lots of things id like to talk to them about but it seems like all of us are lost in each of our individual lives nowadays. it's saddening. i wish bff's here. or i wish i can fly to malaysia to be with her... i wonder if this is just the weather getting into me.. plus i might be pmsing. it makes one suicidal sometimes.. or maybe it's just me.
but i decided, im gonna be bigger than all these. that if life wants to knock me down, then it should do better than this because im tougher (naks).
anyway, stumbled upon some book with a title, "the mating game". not really the type of book you'd like to be seen with, but i think its a good one. the approach is rather scientific which make it seem credible. plus the descriptions on female sides were pretty spot on so im guessing that same goes for the male part.
in the book, there's this mating rating quiz where you can evaluate your mating rating to which i scored 156 which says:
"The people in this range are confident, self-assured go-getters. They know what they want in life and they regularly go for it. Rarely will this bracket drop down a level unless there is a major life crisis that drags them down, but before long they will be planning to get back up there. If this group has a problem, they don't need to be told; they are probably already doing something about it. These people are resourceful. This is where movie stars, millionaires, world leaders, CEO's , business leaders and the most desirable partners live."*
nice description, right? i wonder if i had a wrong result or i answered the quiz wrong. lels. but im sticking to it. touch move pwera bawi. haha.
---
still not feeling fine.. nothing can seem to soothe me lately. but this will pass.. just like everything else. i know this too will.
* source: The mating game- by Allan and Barbara Pease
10:52 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
a few more hours and ill be crawling back to the cage.
if only i can phone in sick...
sighs..
but im not that heartless.
----
a week of no-facebook diet, i actually regret that i logged in today.
a group chat thread with college friends. tsk. nakakainis lang...
maybe im being defensive, but i really hate it when people question my decisions. i dont explain myself when i dont have to. ang saken lang, tahimik ko na nga e.. kailangan pa ba talagang pag-usapan yun? nakakainis.. nakakainis talaga..
haayyyyyyyyyst.
if it hurts you still, ibig sabihin siguro hindi ka pa ok. iniisip ko kung kelan ba ko magiging ok or kung magiging ok pa ba ko ever.
a few days back, a company whose job offer i declined to some time around a year ago called me again. it makes me a bit hopeful knowing that maybe.. just maybe.. i actually can go back to my old profession. only, i have one major problem... i dont want to.
i hate being told that im wrong. especially when im not even done yet. but it sucks when im running out of ways to prove myself right. i feel like my time's running out.
minsan talaga, gusto ko nalang pumunta sa outerspace at maging alien.
damn this.
04:47 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
wednesday. time's flying so fast i cant seem to catch up.
bro's birthday yesterday. the wife woke up early to prepare a special breakfast. she bought whatta tops, put a candle on it and sang the happy birthday song for my brother. nice right.
sis-in-law is a wonderful woman. she's just like mom. i really admire that side of her. know what, sometimes it buffles me how so different i am from them(mom and sis-in-law). it's like im a whole different species.
i remember years ago when ive made a wish list for the Heavens that ive written and sealed in a piece of paper. it was written in a prayer form. in there i included a prayer for my brother, for him to find a girl who will love and take care of him. he use to be this uber torpe type kasi (but now his flirting skills had remarkably improved it's like my uber torpe brother never existed at all). i knew he wasnt getting any younger then and i was worried that he wouldnt find a girlfriend. so i thought, he needed a pray over.. and it worked! i remember opening that sealed prayer year 2011 and brother was already steady with his gf then. she's his wife now and they have a beautiful baby girl already. nice right? see.. prayer works. i think, especially when written.
ang mali ko lang, i didnt include in there anything that has to do with my own lovelife. during those times, i was certain R and I will end up together. surely, the universe has it's way of making us realize that there are things that are beyond our control and that nothing's certain. and i think that's ok.
minsan kasi pag may gusto ka parang ayaw mo na talaga ng iba.
i think fidelity and faithfulness are wonderful traits one could have. but it should only be applied in committed relationships. if you're not in one and you display these traits, that's borderline stupid. but then maybe, it can serve as a good practice before the real thing comes.. pero baka hindi rin. im undecided on my take on this just yet.
...
maybe im starting to learn the rules of the game. maybe.
or maybe id realize along the way how these are totally unecessary and crawl back to the cave not letting anyone intrude my peaceful existence.
i dont know. i dont really feel like a normal human being when it comes to this department. seriously.
10:14 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
my eyes are bloodshot and searing. must be the lack of sleep or the allergies or both.
was having my usual sneezing fit this morning due to allergy (with soap, of all things!!), which made my brother mad. he talked me into taming my sneezing because his daughter just slept. still ended up sneezing and woke the baby up as a result. i know brother wasnt angry because i had a sneezing fit. he was angry because i didnt do anything about it. he offered me anti-allergy med thingy but i refused. i wasnt really just being a pain in the ass right there. i dont want to wake up my poor little niece either. i just dont want to drink meds. i guess its something people with healthy stomach walls wouldnt understand.
ugh, damn allergies. damn GERD.
--
read some skype thread this morning. i wouldn't have read it if i hadnt notice my name as i browse through the entry:
"pag sinabi ko b dto na kras ni lau c <insert my name here> mababasa nia?"
"c <insert my name here>lagi mong kinukwento smin di ba"
"sabi mo boses plang laglag kna awwsss
mahal mo na ba c <insert my name here>Lau?"
"di nio b alam kya gstong gsto nia s umaga eh"
"oo nga
ramdam ko
lagi ko late umuwe eh
saka pag dumarating na si <insert my name here>, ang ngiti nya wagas"
"honga tas sumisikip yung pantalon" ← wait, ano daw??!!
..
uh, ok. mejo hindi ko masyadong gets yung last line.. bastos ba yun? baket? lol. pero nakakatawa lang. hehe.
mejo kinilig din naman ako. pero kasi naisip ko lang na baka hindi sila updated. i mean, lulubog lilitaw din kasi tong lalaking to. ang hirap nyang i-spell. and he seem to really love playing around. so maybe, probably, by this time, baka he's liking or even flirting with someone else na. so, ewan ko talaga.
anyway, moving forward,
was at some wedding last sat. as usual, the ever present "ikaw kelan?" question was asked. i just answered with my usual generic answer which was, "ready na po akong magpakasal kahet agad agad, hinihintay ko nalang po yung groom." This answer comes in handy, really. it keeps things light and it spares me from any further questions. truth be told, im not even sure if i really want to get married.
mom was one of the ninangs. whenever im with mom, she has this habit of telling(more like announcing) everyone who would listen that im nearing 30 and still single. i wonder if this is her way of finding me a potential lovelife. jeez. but i learned to get use to it, it no longer bothers me. so when one of the ninang heard mom's usual announcement about me being single, she said something like, "ok lang yan, wag ka magmadali. ako nga 37 nag-asawa e. may dalawa pa kong anak.".. for some reason, what she said made me want to give her a hug.
all in all,the wedding was fine. the groom looked gwapo, he looked like a prince. they met online, had an ldr and will be having an ld marriage. know what, it feels odd, because looking at this couple gives me a warm feeling inside. there must be something special about them. they survived a long distance relationship. i know a long distance marriage will be tougher.. but from the bottom of my heart, i wish that this couple will make it through.
---
july's nearing to an end. kcon's fast approaching. joan told me she already bought tickets. eeeeeeeeee!! naeexcite na ko! grabe, nakaka hyper. i wish father mario will be one of the speakers again to one of the classes. sana this time, sa class na pwede ko nang salihan. i need to buy a ticket before sept. they say that would be the time when they'll be releasing the schedule.
ang dami daming gastos. i dont know if magagawa ko ba lahat ng target kong magawa this year. kailangan ko narin makapag sign up sa toastmasters soon. sighs, gusto ko nang magbenta ng excess body parts. huhu.
sighs ulet.
but still, all smiles..
01:36 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
its toooooooooooooooooo nooooooooooooisy!!
im used to having just maximum of 6 people here in the office and now there's like loooooooooooot of them it's starting to disorient me. ugh. why are they here?!
i know im a bit introverted, but i didnt know im this antisocial until now. urg.
---
GERD's killing me. im practically living under the mercy of omeprazole and maalox lately. grabe, ikakamatay ko na ba to?
drank coffee this morning which made the rampaging godzilla inside my stomach throw fiercer tantrums. i failed to sleep last night. i needed coffee to make me function.
a lot of things running in my head. my plans, my future, on how a lot of things can go wrong-or are so likely to go wrong, etc etc. alam ko namang worrying will not do anything constructive, pero kasi..
sabi nila, it is when you're down with your last option (or when you ran out of one) that you'd start doing incredible feats. nasan na ba yung incredible feats na yon?
im also feeling upset about a few things. hindi ko rin talaga ma pinpoint kung baket, i just know that i am.
i feel like im at the point where every area of my life sucks.
02:43 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
