Entries for July, 2016
While at the dining table eating lunch, we heard shouting at the neighbor's house (actually Lola's house). Tita b and Tita e were fighting. They do fight from time to time but I guess this one was the worst so far. Tito p had to break the lock of the gate of their porch. Bro and I fight too.. but not as often anymore since we became adults. Besides, I'm actually scared of my brother. In fact more scared of my brother more than with both my parents combined. i dont think i can engage in a fight with him like that. I wonder if that's a good thing.. I think some fights can be healthy too.
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Was out of work since Thurs. Got sick. The doc told me to rest I had to skip tm meeting too. Wrong timing, there was an execom meeting for officers. That should have been my first meeting as an officer tas nagkasakit pa ko.. huhu.
Will be back to the office after the weekends. Minsan talaga nakakalimutan ko na meron akong trabaho..
Been losing my cool a lot of times lately. I haven't been in my best mood I wonder if that's the meds' side effect. I seriously considered skipping the meds, I was just interested with getting the medcert anyway. But it seemed like the doc saw thru me and warned me na Kung hindi daw ako susunod sa prescription nia masasayang Lang daw lahat. Hmp. Tas kailangan ko pa ulet bumalik on sat.. magagalit kaya sia pag nalaman niang hindi ko ininom lahat? I'm not exactly being a pain in the as* here. I'm just concerned of my liver.. he prescribed like 7meds, most of which were highly damaging to the liver.. sighs... I really don't know of I should trust doctors anymore ..
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Been pigging out nonstop since June started. I'm like 7 kilos away from my usual weight. SEVEN F*CKING KILOS! maaaan! This is depressing. Huhu! But give me two weeks I'm gonna get back to normal again.. Hindi na tama to!!
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Dreamth of cris a few nights ago. In the dream, I was sitting on an armed chair. Cristina was sitting by the arm desk of that same chair, looking pale. Then all of a sudden she fainted. In the dream, I knew she was going to die. So after catching her in my arms, I screamed.. made her lie on the floor and then let people around us attend to her. Mom then rushed to our rescue. She went to where Cristina and I were and said, "I will extend her life." Then suddenly, the limp form of Cristina on the floor became my dog, tanga's body. My dog has been sick in real life for weeks. Maybe that was the reason why my dream turned into something like that. After nun, nagising na ko..
Because of these, i'm now back to sleeping in parents' bed. Kailangan ko b ng psychiatric help? Mom was asking me why I can't let go of this, may kasalanan daw ba ako Kay Cristina? Well, nothing that I remember. Its just that her death crushed an idea that I held inside my head for a long time.. yung idea na Hindi ka mamamatay hanggat di pa naaayos any lahat. Yung idea Kasi na yun yung pinanghahawakan ko sa mga panahong magulo ang lahat. Gaya ngayon. Sabi Kasi nila lagi daw may happy ending. Pag di pa happy edi Hindi pa yung ending.. sa tingin ko natatakot ng ako na matapos ng lahat ng ganito Lang ako.... Cristina had so much potential.. she was one of the most brilliant people I know and I don't think she managed to utilize her full potential.. ano't ano pa man, I need to recover from this soon.
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Nalulungkot ako.. alam ko naman na Hindi naman mawawala to sa kakakain o sa kaka skip ko sa trabaho..or sa kakatakas Lang sa mga bagay na ayaw ko.. I need to face this somehow. Alam ko naman yon. Alam ko rin na I don't want to die a fat failure of a person that i am now. A person who is miserable, unhappy and frustrated about the life she created for herself..ayoko ng ganito Lang...Hindi pwedeng ganito nalang. Hindi talaga...
....
I'm sorry, Heavens... from here, I'm gonna do better..
03:01 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
monday. kababalik ko lang sa trabaho.
eto ang mga bagay na nagawa ko na so far:
1. dalawang emails.
2. dalawang calls.
3. isang movie (how to train your dragon).
4. isang clip (Bo Sanchez for TRC).
5. testimonial for Bo's birthday (Yang asked. what you get for having a friend who "really" writes).
6. about 5 articles on how to write a book.
7. about 10 articles on how to publish a book.
--
still writing the book. im feeling giddy at the thought of being published pero kulang naman ako sa sipag sa pagsusulat. was reading mina esguerra's old blog.. naiinspire ako sa kanya.. sana pwedeng matutulog lang ako tas pag gising ko ginagawa ko na pala yung ginagawa ni mina. kaso ayokong mag chic lit.. gusto ko yung pwede kong gawan ng seminar at subscription site.. but wait, mina does that (minus the subscriptions site), right? still, ayoko parin mag chic lit.. parang hindi credible.. ni wala nga akong love life, magsusulat pa ko tungkol dun..
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been feeling down for days. my depressing effect kaya ang mga gamot ko or ako lang ba talaga to? hindi rin masyado maganda ang timpla ko lately. sabi ng doctor, maglista daw ako ng mga bagay na naiisip ko about 1 hour bago ko matulog. tas ireview yung list pag tapos na, hanapin dun yung legit na problema talaga tas hanapan ng solution. for some reason, i was fascinated by the idea.. kaya lang, that same doc raised the dosage of the sleep hormone i usually take which makes me too sleepy to write most of the time.. well, ang point naman ng paglilistang yun e para makatulog ako, so mejo hindi reasonable kung pipigilan ko ang antok ko para maglista ng thoughts ko di ba?
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8 years since starting this particular blog. 12 years in total since i started tabulas... ano na bang nagbago saken...
marami rin naman.. pero nababagalan talaga ko sa pag-usad ko...
ano nga bang gusto kong mangyari?
02:08 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
spent most of the day actually working..
sa tingin ko, hindi parin naman ako nagbago. whatever i feel about the job, expect that i will do it well.. or at least try hard to do so.. and that's a good thing, right?
............
see, you're not doing so bad, z... cheer up!! yey!!
..
sighs. well, minsan ok lang naman talaga. ok lang. period.
still, ayokong dumating yung araw na maging ok na ko sa ok lang...
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dad's birthday on 9th.
last night we were planning on what to do and where to eat. it was until dad told us how we've been eating buffet a lot of lately and how we got a lot more eat outs and family dates scheduled for this month, he said all these are no longer healthy for him and mom. he was right. so yeah.. we're staying home.
dad will also be leaving the house that day to pick up some relative from US.
im more than free on the 9th.
sakto, tm officer's training. i would love to go and i should be going since we need to send 4 representatives and most of the top officers cant come.. so... would i go???
takte.. i have a great excuse. it's dad's birthday..
pero syempre..excuse lang yun..so bakit ba ayaw ko?
hindi ko naman ayaw..sighs..
i think i became too used to not talking i forgot how to people anymore.
said mentor will be going. mabait naman un.. i know.. besides, chance ko rin to to pick his brains and learn from him.. hindi lang sa public speaking or sa pag eenglish, etc... im also interested in what he do,.. i heard he and g were doing biz.. my school ata sila or training center or something.. idk.. i kwow it would be best for me to come.. also, kailangan din ng club representative di ba...
ang wierd lang. suki ako ng mga seminars tas etong training na dapat ako umattend ayoko pang attendan.. wahhh!! ang gulo ko..
leche.. mag-iipon muna ako ng lakas ng loob..
or para mas madali.. hindi nalang ako sasama.. haha..chicken. arg.
bahala na..
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i might be going back to baguio.
in a way, natutuwa narin ako..
ang weird lang kasi i spent weeks researching and emailing resorts in subic and batangas tas sa baguio lang pala mauuwi.
sana makapunta kami sa bencab museum at mt. cloud bookstore.. sana rin maglaglag ng book yung multo ron.. promise, bibilhin ko talaga basta resonable ang presyo...
sana magustuhan nilang kumain sa mongolian resto na kinainan namin ni indian dun...
sana pumagyag silang mag straberry picking kami sa benguet..
a relative from US will be paying for this so i can only influence her decisions, but in the end syempre sya masusunod..
pero okay lang..
basta nandian si mama, papa, kuya, kaitlyn at yen kasama ko, siguradong magiging masaya parin ang baguio..
sana bumili si mama ng maraming vigan longanisa.. paborito ko yun e..
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ayun lang naman.
today, ang lately e malungkot kong mga araw e mejo nahaluan ng ibang emosyon (kaba at excitement)..
ano't ano pa man... i know that life is good.
...
ano ano kayang emosyon ang nararamdaman ng mga tao sa langit?
naiisip ko parin paminsan minsan ang pagkamatay ni cris..
..
and yes, i still sleep in my parent's bed.. thank you very much.
well, hindi na naman talaga ako masyadong takot sa multo..mejo konti nalang..
i think i just want to buy time..
you know..make sure mom's still breathing and all..
im scared of the day that she wont anymore..
03:30 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Dad was waiting for the RP vs France basketball game last night.
wala naman talaga akong interest sa basketball or any sports for that matter, but i got intrigued when dad told me that france's players are composed mostly of NBA players daw (not sure if this is true since i have zero knowledge in basketball). mejo nacurious lang ako on how the opposing team would beat RP.. mapapahiya ba tayo or something..ganern.
natawa lang ako nandun si Mayor. know what, i think the reason why i cant entirely hate the guy is because i see dad in him. he looked fragile after tossing the ball looking like he was about to lose his balance with those towering players trying to get the ball he just tossed... i may not agree with him in many things.. but really, he's the country's father now.. i really wish him the best..
anyway, back to basketball.
i sort of enjoyed the game i actually watched until 2nd quarter. i was willing to finish it if i wasnt going to work the next day. dad said france won.. 9 leads daw.. hindi narin siguro masama.. i was expecting na malalampaso tayo ng husto e..
still, sana maipanalo ang game mamaya para maqualify tayo sa whatever. haha.. all my info came from dad. i dont really know if it's true or not.
natutuwa ako dun sa may jersey number 2. he sort of reminds me of otani of lovely complex. he's so small and yet wala syang katakot takot makipagsabayan sa ibang players that were towering above him.. got his name. terrence romeo. wiki says he's 5'11"... wow.. then the other players must be really really tall.. bukod sa tapang nia.. magaling rin talaga sia.. nice.. terrence romeo, marry me please!! haha.. too bad, he's just 24.
will be watching again tonight.. sana naman manalo na...
12:13 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
1. takot
2. ako
3. sa
4. sarili
5. kong
6. kwarto
7. dahil
8. extension
9. yon
10. ng
11. aking
12. pagiging
13. mag-isa
..
..
..
..
and this is not even about being single.
funny, i'm repeating my own history over and over again.
the kind of funny that's not funny at all.
..
..
..
#leche
03:28 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Tatlong paragraph ang explanation na sinend ko at isang approved emoticon ang naging reply mo. So ano ang ibig sabihin ng approved emoticon?
A. OK. Bahala ka sa buhay mo.
B. OK. Wala akong pakialam.
C. OK. Di ka naman kailangan dun.
D. All of the above.
siguro nga praning Lang ako... OK Lang rin naman.. mejo weird nga lang..Feeling ko Kasi my issue ka saken. Praning Lang ba ko? Parang Hindi e.. Bahala ka na nga.. OK lang naman..
OK.
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Had to cancel some sched. I vowed to avoid cancelling things the last minute but I also vowed to put family first. In a way I feel bad.. in another, I feel unwanted. I guess whenever u lack feedback, u can't help but fill in the blanks for the things that weren't said.
I remember JK Rowling once said, "Indifference and neglect can often do much more damage than outright dislike."- I totally agree.
Siguro, para sa mga bagay na di mo alam at di mo naiintindihan, hayaan mo nalang...
OK.
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Uncertain ang weekends ko for the whole month.. Parang babaeng buntis si ate... paiba iba isip nia on what we're going to do once she gets here sa pinas. I thought we're final na with Baguio. Then she thought about Bataan. Contacted the resort already. They responded promptly. Tas may reklamo na naman si ate... Saken OK Lang naman... kahet ano..
kahet wag na nga matuloy ok Lang e..
OK.
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Mejo nawawalan ako ng gana sa paligid ko... ung alam mo yon... disappointed ka na nga sa sarili mo tas mafifeel mo pa ung disappointment ng mga Tao sayo... Kung tutuusin ok Lang naman.
OK.
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sa tingin ko hindi ko forte ang paghandle ng disappointment. Or Siguro Hindi ko Lang forte ang mga Tao. Period.
Believe me, OK Lang...
08:48 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Was at my favorite national bookstore in QC when I saw Austin Kleon's "steal like an artist". I realized I don't have enough money to buy the book so I read it right there. Made my legs hurt for standing 2 hours but totally worth it. it was a great book. And plus, I saved 625 pesos! Awesome! Will go back for his other book, "show your work". That was what I initially came to nbs for. I hope I'll find a book without cover so I don't have to buy.. ang cheap Lang.. haha..
I remember back in college when I have to go back to nbs a lot of times to finish a book this way, because the security guard would always tell me off whever I do. I wonder if the guards at the nbs were just nice for letting me read or they only do that to students who obviously can't and won't pay.
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Dad's bday today. I am yet to greet him. He went out to fetch a relative from the airport. I'll be going out to buy pizza for the celebration later. Gtg.
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Just got mentor's message from our fb group for officers. I feel bad that he have to go there without anyone from our club. I hope the sargeant-at-arms can make it. I feel sorry for mentor. If I read his message earlier, I might've come..
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Gtg n talaga. Ciao!
01:20 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
1. i wonder if "fake it till you make it" applies to one's patience.
2. i realized ive lost 2 of my notebooks this morning.
3. they're not just notebooks.
4. both contains longhand drafts of my book.
5. which i haven't transferred in my computer yet.
6. great.
7. but that's not really what i am worried about.
8. you see,
9. it also contains the list
10. that the doctor instructed me to write as a therapy.
11. to make me sleep.
12. real personal stuff are in there.
13. things i dont want other people to read.
14. it also contains doodles of my dreams in it.
15. everything...
16. everything..
17. everything.
18. man... where in the world can i find them now?
19. i hate losing things.
20. i hate losing important things.
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やばい！オフィスに見つかった。２４時間以上にそっちにあって。。。誰かが読んじゃったかなあ。。。
超困っている。。
leche!
09:19 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
in 5 mins, my weekend's going to start. and it's gonna be long..
i don't know why im feeling seasick.. or motion sick.
wierd, im totally stationary...
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was getting hooked on Dreamworks Dragon series... i just love toothless to bits. he's making me love my dog, tanga, even more... i dont know.. toothless looks so much like a dog right?
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uh oh.. weekend. dang, motion sickness.. or am i pregnant?? haha!
leche!
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HAPPY WEEKEND GUYS!
03:58 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Doctor told me not to use the phone before going to bed. He mentioned about REM and on how the eyes adjust to light.. now,here am i. I'm sorry, doc...
Went to TM meeting kanina. missed the meeting the last time because I was sick. It was just 1 meeting and yet it feels like ages ago.
I did the evaluation and i sucked at it. It was my 3rd time to evaluate but the first 2 times, I evaluated mentor's speech. It just felt weird evaluating someone else. Feeling ko meron akong mababasag n bagay or something. tingin ko natatakot lang ako n bka may masabi ako na maging dahilan para mabawasan yung motivation ng taong ieevaluate ko. Walang ganung feeling pag speech ni mentor..
Ang dami n naming new members. Kkasimula Lang ng TM year at may 4 n kagad n bago. Dahil sa antisocial at antichange ako, Hindi ko masyadong ikinatutuwa and lahat ng Ito. In fairness nmn sa kanila, mbbait naman sila. Siguro nmimiss ko Lang ung mga una Kong naging mga kaibigan dito. Hindi n kasi sila masyado umaattend lately.
nung high school, nabanggit ni Cristina (RIP, cris) n secretly possessive daw ako sa Tao. I just realized I didn't change that much over the years. Most of the new members picked mentor to be their mentor, and u can guess too well that I'm not liking this too. Gusto ko ako lng... hmp! I wonder if being possessive is a sign of immaturity... or insecurity kaya? Or baka both.
Speaking of insecurity..
Hindi ako natutuwa sa mga bagay n ginagawa ko pag Hindi ako sigurado sa sarili ko... kelan nga b ko huling nagging sigurado sa sarili ko? Ang tagal tagal na... nalulungkot...
My defenses are getting higher and higher. I need to break down my own walls, otherwise, I won't be able to let people in.
Parang ang dami daming dapat ayusin sa sarili ko. . Ang daming aayusin, di matapos tapos.
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I still like ****. He's not hard to like particularly because he's giving me a little extra attention. maybe because of his role in my life. He's probably obviously gay. Probably in a relationship with someone I know.. I can easily delete this thru NLP. Ayoko lang.. I have high respect for the man... NLP might delete that too..
Its sad, right... deleting feelings only because it just can't be.
But I won't just yet.
01:59 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
hey! it's been a while. seems like a lot had happened here, my last entry's now no longer on top of tabby's timeline.
so how are things going?
im feeling dizzy. probably from not sleeping. i actually spent the first 2 hours of today's work at the sleeping quarter's half asleep. just half asleep. i havent really been sleeping fully without sleep hormones supplement lately. i forgot to eat breakfast too. weird, im not feeling hungry at all.
been on a never-ending sneezing fit a lot of times lately. i hate allergies. i usually find rest from sneezing at the office because it's usually clinically clean. But right now, about 5 meters away from my work station, there are men fixing the ceiling...now i cant stop sneezing again. that is 5 fu*king meters. i cant believe my nose can detect allergens even that far. damn allergies!
seems like my allergies had evolved a bit. i use to just sneeze non-stop, now my eyes are itching and hurting too. ive long stopped taking meds. i think it was just making me worse. i have pretty bad sinusitis too. my meds were mostly antihistamine, so maybe they cant make my sinusitis better anyway, so yeah, guess they have to go.
brother has allergies too. it's in the blood, probably. my neice started sneezing just a few hours after she was born. i remember brother once told me that his doctor adviced him to get rid of our dogs to stop his allergies.. i hate sneezing. i hate the itchy eyes and all.. but all these i can put up with, just leave my dogs alone, ok? jeez.. im glad my brother said the same thing back then.
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brother's birthday tomorrow. he wont be home. he's got work out of town. we'll be celebrating by sat. every year, i find the month of July the hardest month to survive financially since everyone else's birthday in our family, which are just two weeks apart, are all cramped up late June and July. It's also the hardest month to go on diet too.
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spent the last four days at home. well, not exactly since we went out from time to time. it's just weird how swift days go by when you're not working.
mom brought me a new bed. ive been complaining about back pain for the longest time. Now, she took pity and brought me a new one. i chose the one with air holes that looked much like an egg tray. no back pain since. we also saw this desk with a display cabinet attached to it. it was beautifully designed ive never seen anything like it before. dad saw my delight on the thing and promised to buy it for me on my birthday...
i just find it weird.. the last time, mom hired someone to build a cabinet for my clothes. now bed. and then dad will soon buy me a desk... wala lang. it seems like they are so sure im staying for good. i wonder if it ever crossed their mind to think that i might get married one day, right? well, yeah, maybe not. but still-- idk.
in a way, it feels comforting. ive seen how brother's and sis-in-law's lives change since they got married. it sure has its bliss, but on not so few occasions, there are those not-so-good times too..things that id rather not experience myself.
just from observing, i realized that marriage requires compromise, sacrifice and real hardwork. not exactly my expertise. i feel like marriage, or even just a relationship outside my family, is something that my comfort zone doesnt cover. ive always challenged what was comfortable in different areas of my life, but i haven't really ventured so far in this department.
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i was transferring photos to my PC when i noticed i only have a few free spaces left. took my brother's hard disk, which is a lot more spacious, but i realized, it too doesnt have much free space anymore. pretty soon we'll be needing to delete most of our files or buy a new hd, but i dont think that's an option. to keep precious memories safe, i uploaded most of my photos in FB. in a "family-only" album, of course. then, i ask, why? why not include friends? just to challenge what's comfortable, i set it to "friends-only"...and then, there. i just realized my antisocial behaviour goes beyond normal. with every reaction i recieved, i felt compelled to crawl back to the cave and set the pictures into private again, thinking things like, "Omigad! they saw it?!", getting irrationally panicky and all.. it's just weird. i felt like i was baring my soul to people who dont really know me that much. im not really sure what im afraid of.. i guess i just value privacy??? which is weird because this blog, for one, is nowhere near private.
i remember reading about people building walls around themselves so as not to let people in. Ive built with pretty thick walls myself and im having a hard time to peel them down now. but i figured that if i want to be the person that i want to be... that if i want to grow up and become better, i need to get this wall down..
...
so i guess im uploading more picture there soon.
believe me, i prefer having a root canal.
10:53 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
thursday. i woke up thinking it's already friday.
gonna be no-toastmasters friday tomorrow. though i love toastmasters friday too, no-toastmasters friday means i can go to my favorite place (bookstore) and read a book or two (for free, if they will not tell me off), so i love it as well. even just the thought makes my heart race.
just bought 2 books a few days ago. i know i shouldnt be buying now coz im actually on tight budget.. promise, last na to..huhu.
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read from cc's fb about killings again. it's getting too rampant people are starting to think it's normal, necessary even. idk. maybe they're thinking its ok because their family's not one of the victims.. there were those who are not even drug pusher/user!!! this is just stupid and pointless and stupid and stupid and stupid and stupid and stupid and STUPIDDDDDDDD!!!! i can go on and on on this. mga leche kayo!! huhu..
im just scared for my family.. they could be the next victim. anyone can be the next victim. And then those stupid-down-to-the-last-cell-of-their-body, hardcore supporters think it's ok???! mga leche talaga kayo! i just cant NOT take this personally anymore.
if this happens to anyone in my family... i swear... jeez... i just cant imagine what i can turn into.
*breathe in, breathe out*
---
got things to do. i agreed to translate some documents for someone who wants to claim child support.
then i also agreed to be the TME for the next toastmasters' meeting. i want to fake sickness whenever i think about it. my fault. i was i who said yes anyway. i just want to challenge my comfort zone. im not really a masochist. i just feel like if id just do easy things all the time, then how can i get better? i wish i dont feel this scared though. but whatever. it's gonna be over soon.
there's also this upcoming club contest on August 5. Humorous speech and evaluation speech contest daw. i suck at both, but i like to join. im pretty sure im not joining the evaluation contest. im hoping to take a shot at the humorous. iniisip ko palang, para na kong magkakasakit... i cant even think of a speech topic to write about. that would be in about 2 weeks from now.
but on the brighter side, on saturday will be another family day. we'll be going out to celebrate brother's birthday. my over praning self is scared that a gunman would shot him down and mark him "pusher ako" stuff before that day comes... My brother doesnt smoke nor drink and i bet he cant even tell the difference between shabu and tawas (me neither). kumukulo talaga ang dugo ko pag naiisip ko ang bagay na to.
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i feel so sorry for the Philippines. I feel so sorry for the victims and i feel remorse for the people who did these and those who are behind all these. Pag mayamang drug lord my due process, pag mahirap lang, wala. Hindi talaga ako maawaing tao at madalas wala naman akong pakialam.. but i hate injustice.. i hate persecution of innocent people.. i hate how people justify and think its ok..
it's just ironic the promise of safety for this country treathens the safety of the poor up to middle class Filipino families. i read an FB friend posting about how this battle against drugs is more humane than allowing Philippines to be like Mexico. i want to puke.
siguro kaya magkakaiba tayo ng opinyon e dahil sa magkakaiba tayo ng pinapahalagahan. But if anything happens to my family...
sigurado akong wala akong patatawarin.
01:09 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
