Entries for September, 2017


Friday, September 1, 2017

asdfghjk

z,

pag sinabi mong "tara", ibig sabihin, sasama ka.

pag sinabi mong "see you", ibig sabihin, darating ka.

hindi ko naman talagang intensyon magsinungaling. ayoko lang talaga nang nag eexplain. sighs. konti nalang bi-bingo na ko sa taong to.

------

start of the month and a few heartbreaks already.

pero keri lang.

Friday holiday at work. not really complaining. im skipping a tm night for its gonna be a long day. im really dead sleepy and my stomach feels funny so mejo wrong timing, besh.

i would've looked forward to the weekend for a much longed for sleeeeeeeep, but tomorrow's division contest and i already said im coming. i think id rather stay home but i also want to support gabby. besides, nandun si crush. i want to see how he will fare against gabby.

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membership renewals time. im trying not to panic on how i can make the ends meet.

one of our members sent me a message yesterday telling how this other club in katipunan is so much more accessible to him. he didnt actually said he's leaving the club to transfer so i asked. he just told me, nahihirapan daw sya. so how can i respond to that?

hindi ako clingy na tao. im actually a bit detached. pero kahit ganun, i dont like it when people leave... well, except if im the one leaving.

when i was younger, i used to ask: ano bang mas masakit, yung aalis or yung iiwan? ive long found an answer to that.

------

10 mins. got to end this.


Written by cinderellaareus at 03:51 PM.

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Sunday, September 3, 2017

Good Morning, Tabby!

7:41am. I just woke up and I can smell our breakfast so I will try to make this quick.

Division contest yesterday. Gabby won, crush came second. Mejo na surprised lang ako sa result because there was this other candidate that got me mesmerized yet he wasn't able to place any. Not complaining though.

Ang galing ni Gabby. I don't have the slightest doubt that our club will be having our first district champion on midcon. I've watched him since day 1 and he seemed to have gotten even better. I wonder if I will ever get to that level. I wonder how can I get to that level. I also want to be a district champion myself and then after that, world champion.

Jer and I were talking about this while on the way to ADB. He also dreams to become a world champion. He told me he accepts that he can't be the world champion just now. That he needs to grow his skill set first and he's expecting to get it maybe in 5 years. I told him, the Universe bends in our expectations (because I want, and believe I can get it, now). I wonder if I'm just being delusional. 

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A girl-friend took me by the arm and brought me out of everyone's earshot to ask:

"Si *insert the boy's name here*... may pag-asa ba sya? I saw you, guys, and you look cute together."

Shoot, how do you answer questions like this? 

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Went home with Gabby after our lunch celebration. It felt weird because I think this was the first time that we went home together na maliwanag pa. Pero ok lang. Gala means gastos and I would do some budget tightening right now.

Sabi sa nabasa ko, those who always live below their means lack imagination. Sighs...

While on the way home, the topic about me being the next pres was brought up. I told Gabby my reasons on how I cannot be the next President, all of which were money related.

I love my club, you know that. If only I have something to give I more than gladly would. I realized though, that maybe, instead of finding reasons why I can't, maybe I should start finding ways on how I can. I said it myself: the Universe bends on our expectations. I want to use this as an inspiration to work on my goals for 2018. Oh Lord, help me.

Sabi nga ni Gabby, dapat positive!

-------

We were in the car, Bea, Jay, LA and I. It was the first time that Jay joined us on a girl talk like this. I've heard many of her stories before, but this was the first time that she talked of the other loves she had. See, I love Jay like a sister and I've always looked up on her character and her brilliance. But that afternoon, in Bea's car, she gained my respect.

In love stories, we have that assurance that things will be ok in the end. Pero sa real life pala, hindi laging ganon.

Bea, Jay and LA: these girls are wonderful people. I wish them love. I wish them happiness. And if it will make their lives better, I wish they will find someone who will truly care for them.

-------

I looked at them, I found peace. Maybe maturity is when you wish someone happiness even if it's with someone else. Or maybe it's love. I'm not so sure.

-------

When asked what he likes about me, he said "simply beautiful".

When asked, "maganda ba si zah?" he nodded.

Bea told him, "kung gusto mo sya, dapat sabihin mo sa kanya."

...

I've been trying to calm the boy down and these people aren't really helping.

Pero ok lang. Masaya naman. I will just find a way to smooth things out pag totoong may problema na. He's someone I don't want to hurt... But then, maybe I don't have to...

Wait.... what?!


Written by cinderellaareus at 08:27 AM.

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Saturday, September 9, 2017

Heartless and Blue

Ang sama ko sayo. Hindi ko naman talaga sadya. 

Years ago nung nagyaya ka, akala ko next na sasabihin mo, "open-minded ka ba?"

Tas nung sabi mong sabihan kita if magsisimba ko near sa work mo dahil ililibre mo ko, kala ko naman nang nenetwork ka.

Tapos ngayon, magyaya ka pala sa MIBF, kala ko hihiram ka lang ng books.

Ang labo kasi ng intro mo lagi. Hindi pwede sa slow at dense. Lol.

Pero E for effort ka rin e no. Never say die pa ang drama. Ganyan ka lang ba talaga? 

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"Often it's the deepest pain which empowers you to grow into your highest self."

It's been a while since I last answered a table topic.  The question can't be anymore timely. 

I joined Area Director T-Jay today in holding a meeting for some dying club he wishes to revive, the Blue TMC. Tinatamad talaga ko at mas gusto ko sana matulog nalang pero nakakaawa rin kasi Si T-Jay at nakakaawa rin yung Blue. Things went fine naman.  Nakakasad lang na wala manlang actual member nung club na nakadalo. 

I was the topics evaluator. I wasn't suppose to answer a table topic pero sinigurado kasi nung topicsmaster na lahat magsasalita. OK lang rin. Na enjoy ko naman. The topic made me remember some of the darkest days of my life. Kinwento ko sa kanila how I discovered a church inside a mall and on how I gatecrashed what seemed to be a religious meeting for couples eventhough I was alone (and single) all because I was feeling rebellious. Nakakatawa. 

But at the same time,  I realize how my days now closely resemble those days.... 

The week had been bad. On the external,  I looked fine.  Nice even. In a way,  I guess it was. Afterall, I received a few blessings and the days were generally peaceful. It's just that I can't shake this gloomy feeling inside. Eto na naman yung dark days. paano ko ba maalis hung sarili no dito. 

I'm scared. I remember when I was younger, I used to have a whole lifetime ahead of me.  I remember facing a bright future for myself with alluring options all lined up. Tapos ngayon,  putek, wala ng option.  it's like I'm already against the wall and yet life is still pushing me further back. 

I used to believe that having too many options is not healthy for people and I still do. I remember it was I who kicked mine out one by one until I was left with barely anything. Pero kasi, pag ikaw yung walang option at nagsa-suffer ng consequences, ang hirap paniwalaan na healthy yun para sayo. 

Pagkasulat ko ng entry na to, maybe matutulog na ko. Sana pagkagising ko, ayusin nalang ng Langit any lahat ng mga pinoproblema ko para sakin. 

------------

I took out my last ace. You didn't take the bait. 

Sabi nila, pag may masakit daw ibig sabihin may mali.

Wala namang masakit.

Siguro, finally...

wala na saken ang mali. 


Written by cinderellaareus at 10:45 PM.

1 comments


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Monday, September 18, 2017

Boundaries and things

It was past bedtime and everyone was upstairs. I was looking down amused, seeing a number of cockroaches scattered on our kitchen floor. The one nearest my feet hurriedly moved away from me. I stopped walking and wondered if this cockroach had an idea that i didn't have the slightest intention to kill it. I was just walking.

-------

Third day of my super long weekend. It was raining earlier and i loved it. Mom cooked champorado for breakfast and adobong pusit for lunch. Two of my favorites. And yesterday, we had ice cream. Tomorrow, Tuesday, movies on cinemas around our area will be free for senior citizens. I will be joining Mom and Dad to watch a movie. I am happy.

-------

Someone once told me, "wag mong pilitin ang sarili mo. Siguro may panahon para sa mga bagay bagay." It's been more than a decade and I've kept these words with me. The entire week last week, I put it into practice. I ate what I wanted in the amount that i wanted. I didn't force myself to be "productive". I, in fact, just watched movies daily. I was supposed to takeover a speaking slot for our meeting last Friday and for this I allotted barely half an hour of preparation. Kasi nga, walang pilitan ng sarili. Good thing, we ended up cutting off 1 slot. I still made myself do at least 30 minutes exercise daily but only the type that I can sustain.

I usually beat myself up, you know. I've always strived to keep up to my own standards. Now, for once, I want to try that 'walang pilitan ng sarili' thingy and practice self-love. I want to see how this will work for me.

I've been trying stay away from people and activities that demand a lot from me lately. They will have to wait. I am more important than my tasks. I am more important than my responsibilities. If anyone or anything will force their way, they will have to go.

My journey in learning how to set boundaries had been long and excruciating. I just realized though that the boundaries I've set is not protective enough for my interest and wellbeing.

Now I'm set to build an even better one and I'm prepared to lose a few people for this.

I have high respect for the lives of cockroaches. Maybe I have to have an even higher one for my own.


Written by cinderellaareus at 06:19 PM.

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Thursday, September 21, 2017

Baby

Hey. It's 7:37pm. My feet are on the pedal of our stationary bike and I'm halfway my daily 30 mins workout. Should be a hip hop abs day today but there's our little tyrant guarding the tv. This will do.

Yesterday, i just got back to work after a self-decided long weekend. Partner was sick and is still sick so since then I've been solo at work. That will continue until tomorrow. No compaints though.

I watched Baby Driver earlier. For almost everyday since Monday last week, I've been watching at least 1 movie daily. I usually choose reading books since it makes me feel more productive, but i realized there's not much difference because the real difference lies in actually doing something, ikr.

But so far, I'm loving my daily dose of movies. Marami ka rin palang matututunan. Parang nagbabasa rin ng libro. Baby Driver was good. I'd give it a 3.5 stars. A few days ago, Mr. Peabody and Sherman. It was a 4.5. Last week I watched parts 1 and 2 of Now you see me and I'm giving it a 3 and a 4 respectively. As per LA gurl's recommendation, I also watched Inception and I'd love to give it a 5 if it wasn't for the minor inconsistencies in details. 4.7.

In case you're wondering what are my 5's here are a few:

-Passengers

-Real Steel

-Breaking Dawn ( i haven't watch the other twilight movies other than this nor read the books, yet I found this one as a winner.)

-Ratatouille

-Warm Bodies

-Big Hero 6

* Lucy comes close to 5 too but I found the need to include that one dude there just to give Lucy a love interest quite forced. Still superb though.

They say you will be same person in 5 years as you are today except for the books that you read and people that you meet. I think movies that you watched should be included.

Baby. Can you imagine meeting a boy with a name Baby? B-A-B-Y Baby? Ang cutie pie pa nung batang yun. Yiiiii! Haha!

If I'll have a boy, I will name him Baby. I hope he will forgive me. Haha.

---------

What is your favorite movie? Please comment below. I'm having a hard time choosing what to watch next. : )


Written by cinderellaareus at 07:56 PM.

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Tuesday, September 26, 2017

all for Daisy

I remember our former J-quality manager, Meguri, loved Leonardo diCaprio. He used to rant about how he cannot believe why Leo was yet to get an award from Oscars. I wonder how he felt when Leonardo finally got one. I love that dude too since Inception, so today I decided to watch one of his movies. Chose The Great Gatsby. Ngayon ko lang naintindihin bakit Gatsby at Daisy ang pangalan ng 2 pomeranians ni Meguri.

Hindi naman 5 stars pero super affected ako sa movie na to. Now, it's taking so much of me to fight the urge to storm the bookstore later and find the book version. Please, please... wala pang sahod, Z... T_T

Sheeeeeet. Nakakalungkot.

----

Yesterday was the Huntsman. Because Chris Hemsworth.

Watched him in Ghostbusters last Sunday, and shoooot, ang gwapo nya please! *drools*

----

Oh, I just realized TGG was my 10th movie since I started watching at least 1 movie per day.

I don't know what I'm trying to get out of this. I don't watch a lot....

...

Wait... I think... Actually, I know.

----

So what to watch next?


Written by cinderellaareus at 04:00 PM.

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Saturday, September 30, 2017

Thoughts from a bad day

1:11am. Make a wish.

I just got home. Today was not particularly good. It was bad. At karamihan ng hindi magandang nangyari, kasalanan ko.

I was watching a movie with a super long title. I forgot. Basta dun sa movie, nagpa delete yung babae ng memory nya dun sa lalaki. Nung nalaman ng lalaki, pinadelete nya rin memory nya sa babae. Kaso halfway nung procedure, na realize nya na mahal nya pa yung babae at ayaw nya nang ipabura ung mga memories nila, kaso too late na. Teka...enough ayoko maging spoiler.

Pero basta ganun. After erasing their memory nagkakilala parin sila e. Basta may recorded tape ng messages nila before sila magpadelete ng memory. Tas narinig nila ung recorded tape ng isat isa. Science fiction lang naman na pwede mo ipa delete ang memory mo pero pakiramdam ko, isa ito sa mga panaka painfully realistic na movies na napanood ko.

Magmamahal ka. Masasanay ka sa presensya nya.

Tas bigla mawawala yung magical feeling, bigla kang  ma bo-bored at darating sa point na aayaw ka na.

Hindi lang naman sa romantic love to totoo. Kahit sa friendship.. Kahit sa family. Siguro nga totoong Love is a decision. Maybe love is deciding to stay even if you don't feel like it anymore.

May mga ugali akong hindi kagandahan. Yung super konting tao na piniling mag-stay even after makita yung side na yun, sobrang pinagpapasalamat ko. Pero sa kung hanggang kailan sila mag iistay, hindi ko alam. Sinabi ko noon na the Universe bends in our expectations. Truth is, i dont expect people to stay. People rarely do. That's why i learned to be detached. To not have both feet in. I always left one out, ready to flight.

Safe? Or duwag? I dont know.

Siguro magiging madali ang maraming bagay sa buhay, or maybe yung buhay itself, kung walang taong involved.

Love is for the brave. Iniisip ko kung ano bang chance ng mga taong chicken na katulad ko.

----------

Ang dami daming hindi magandang bagay na nangyayari. Minsan ang sarap mamundok. Ang sarap pumunta ng outerspace.

A week from now, 32 na ko. Sa 32 years ko sa mundo, natutunan ko na pag nagsisimula ka ng mainis, nagsisimula ka nang mangialam. At pag nagsimula ka nang mangialam, nagsisimula ka ng magmahal.

Maliit palang ako, gusto ko na ng peace. But it's not like, I LIKE peace. It's more like, i NEED peace. Kaya ayoko ng confrontations, ayoko ng gulo. At sobrang maliit ang tolerance ko sa mga tao who make me feel bad about myself, or them, or anything. Yung mga gumugulo lang sa utak ko.

Pero kasi, kung saan may tao, nandun ang conflict, nandun ang gulo. At ang only way lang yata para makamit mo ang peace ay ang lumayo ka sa tao. Bakit ba ang complex magmahal? Bakit ba ang complex magpahalaga? 

Sa ending nung movie, sabi nung lalaki, "wait". Sabi nung babae, bakit daw. Para saan. Isa lang daw syang messed up na babae na naghahanap ng sarili nyang peace of mind something. Na darating daw ung panahon mabo bore lang rin sya ulet dun sa lalaki kasi ganun lang daw talaga sya.

Then the man replied, 'okay'. Gusto ko rin makahanap ng sasagot ng 'okay'.

Siguro ang success ng relationship ay hindi nakasalalay sa kung gaano katindi ang pagmamahal nyo sa isat isa kundi sa tibay ng resolve nyo na magpatuloy kahit na feeling nyo e ayaw nyo na.

Sana makahanap ako ng taong kayang magpatuloy kahit feeling nya ayaw nya na. At sana pag nakita ko sya, ako rin, kaya nang magpatuloy kahit feeling ko, ayoko na.

---------

TM meeting earlier. The only pangtanggal badtrip of the day. Nothing remarkable, but at least I was able to spend time with people i care about. For me, that's more than enough. Also, one of our newest members approached me to ask me to be her mentor. There goes my 3rd mentee. I wonder how people choose their mentors. Still, nakakakilig parin talaga pag ikaw ang napili. Pero at the same time, nakakakaba. I was blessed with a wonderful mentor. Hindi ko maisip kung pano ko mabi-build yung relationship ko sa mentees ko gaya ng relationship na meron kami ng mentor ko. Lalo na nga na mejo takot parin talaga ko sa tao. Still, gagawin ko parin yung best ko. 

Won't be attending our meeting on 6th. Following meetings after that, busy na sila Gabby. Mukhang matagal tagal kaming hindi magkikita. Nakakalungkot din.

Laugh trip kanina, i accidentally sent my message for Mom to J. He sent the screenshot to our Officers group chat. I rarely explain myself because explaining makes me feel as if I'm lying even when I'm not. But because it's super funny, nag mega explain na ko. May point kasi e. Ang layo nga naman ng Mama sa J so pano ko ma eexplain na nawrong send ako. Haha. Pero promise, wrong sent lang talaga, walang halong malisya.

Tanda ko ganito rin kami nagsimula ni R. Feeling ko, dapat mag-ingat na saken si J.

Charot.


Written by cinderellaareus at 01:47 AM.

2 comments


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my name is z


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