Entries for January, 2018
Watched Siargao. It wasn't good. But out of it came an old idea I held a few months back.
Running away.
I had/have this crazy idea of leaving everything behind, go to Cebu and live and work there for a few months or maybe a year or so.
I think there were many times in my life where I lived a life I wanted to run away from. This is one of those times.
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I started to hate how things are.
How do you cure hate? How do you kill hate?
I don't think hate is the opposite of love because if love has an opposite, it must be indifference. And sometimes love and hate are just two sides of the same coin. Is it possible to kill hate without killing the love attached to it?
I don't know. 32 years of living and I'm still not an expert when it comes to life.
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2017 had been more about people and less about things. For my own sanity, I wonder if I should make 2018 the other way around.
07:00 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
I walked up to the boy and told him right in the face, "tatalunin kita."
We were around 20. He was the smartest dude in class and while everyone else were either failing or barely holding on to their precious 3.0, he was there getting highest scores and winning quiz bees.
The guy just smiled looking amused.
In my dictionary, "tatalunin kita" means "I really like you a lot kaso masyado kang magaling kaya gagalingan ko rin para hindi naman ako masyadong alangan sayo".
Fast forward last year and another boy told me the same line, "tatalunin kita". I laughed because he probably didn't have the idea on what that line translates to.
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Contest time again. When the year started, I told myself to get rid or avoid any distractions and focus on my goal of getting myself out of the sh*thole that I'm in. Pero nakakamiss yung adrenaline rush. Nakakamiss yung contest spirit. Ang sakit sa puso na hindi ako sasali.
Sana ayusin nalang ng Langit lahat ng mga problema ko for me. Alam ko namang naririnig Nya. Hindi ko lang alam kung ibibigay Nya.
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Hindi ako dense. Pansin ko naman. Weird na mejo natutuwa pa ko. Na realize ko kasi na dalawa lang naman yan.
If you will hate me, that means, you love me.
If you don't love me, then you cannot hate me.
Jeez, what a concept. Lel.
Minsan ang baseless din talaga ng mga pananaw ko sa buhay.
01:47 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
I was looking at old photos.
I miss my long hair and those days when I still can wear body-hugging outfits.
I want to bring these back.
Dr. Atkins and I need to talk.
I also promise never to do anything stupid to my hair until it reaches a certain length and from there, parang gusto ko ng beach wave. Pag-iipunan ko to.
09:49 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
I miss writing handwritten letters, 4 pages long (back to back).
02:19 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
I remember the kdrama, goblin, and wonder if being immortal could mean that you can gather riches at magpayaman since marami kang time. Pero naisip ko na baka hindi rin. Because maybe it's not really about how much time you have but on how you actually spend your time. Ang hirap siguro maging immortal tas broke ka. Buti nalang hindi ako immortal.
Iniisip ko rin na siguro masaya lang maging immortal if may kasama ka na gusto mong kasama for all eternity. Kung ako yung Goblin's bride, gugustuhin ko rin maging immortal kung si gong yoo ang goblin ko. All the more if si Lee seung-gi. Wahhhh! Puso ko!!!! Lel. ><
Pero eto seryoso...
I tried thinking of a person (or persons) I'd be willing to spend eternity with, but I couldn't name one. Parang nakakalungkot tuloy. I wonder how other people would answer this.
Ikaw, do you have anyone in your life you are willing to spend eternity with?
10:32 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Last Tuesday, we watched The Revengers Squad all because that was the only one option left with the time that we had. Was surprised that it wasn't as bad as I thought.
If there's one thing that Ang Larawan failed at, siguro yun e dahil they forgot to think about their audience. They produced an art for the sake of art and that was all. I think art is there to serve people, to serve humanity. Kung gagawa ka ng art for the sake of art, then you're missing the whole point. The Revengers Squad beat Ang Larawan at that.
.....
Gusto ko ring gumawa ng films na kahit artsy, magugustuhan parin ng maraming tao.
Gusto ko rin gumawa ng films. Period.
08:13 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Sabi nila, pag against the wall ka na daw or over the edge ka na, equipped daw ang tao ng ability na alisin ang sarili nya sa sitwasyon na yon to the point na makakagawa sya ng incredible feat.
Pure hell forces action. Pure hell. Sighs.
Feeling ko kumo quota na ko sa buntong hininga lately.
Received some bad news. In a way, siguro blessings na rin to. For one, napabalik ulet ako sa chapel para maka heart to heart talk si God. Siguro namimiss Nya na ko dahil matagal tagal na rin akong hindi dumadaan dun.
I've been against the wall for some time and bad news like this make me feel like the Universe is pushing me further back. Siguro pinapakilos Nya na talaga ko. Sana sabihin Nya nalang rin saken kung anong gagawin ko.
Sighs.
Still, I'm glad that I still feel hopeful. But then hope is not a plan.
Sighs ulet.
Kaya ok na rin siguro na may mga problema kasi yung mga problema lang naman ang nakakapagpakilos saken at hindi yung hope. Hindi masyadong effective ang inspiration kaya siguro desperation nalang ang binibigay saken ng langit.
Sighs again.
Pero kahit ano pa yan, kaya ko yan. Bring it on, Universe (naks, antapang....).
11:06 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Woke up this morning and mom told me a happy news. Our pregnant dog, Mihan, already gave birth. I hurriedly came to her place and felt it in my heart that there will be 5 puppies there and the pure white one is my Thangs reincarnated.
There were all cute, chubby, healthy pups. I picked the one nearest to me and held her/him in my hand. White with a few patches of black and brown. I searched the rest of the pups looking for a pure white one. Found it but when I turned it to its side, there's a black patch in its ear. Not pure white. None was. So i thought, maybe Thangs is the one with a patch on the edge of the tail. I remember my Thangs was brown with a patch of white at the end of her tail. I also counted and there were only four.
Mihan was acting odd. She always get up when people visit her. It seemed like she wanted to get out. I thought it was normal for a dog who just gave birth.
It was already late afternoon when mom let her out of the cage. She immediately went under the cage and mom noticed that there's another puppy in there. Turned out Mihan indeed gave birth to a 5th puppy. I felt so sorry i didn't notice. She was cold and can barely drink milk. Thankfully, she seemed better now. I'm not really sure of if it's a she or a he. All I know is that the 5th pup is pure white.
I'm so happy. My Thangs is back. : )
05:43 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Woke up at past 11am today so I'm resigning to the possibility that I might not be sleeping tonight.
Spent the day watching the the 2nd half of "rich man, poor woman" j- drama. I finished off the 1st half yesterday. I think I got this from Nesss 5 years ago. It's been sitting in my laptop that long pero ngayon ko lang napanood. So nice. Kdramas may be a bit better in comparison and their actors and actresses may be a whole lot cuter, pero sa tingin ko, until now, nasa Japan parin ang bias ko.
Ang gwapo ni Oguri Shun. Stalked him a bit to see how he looks like now and nag iba na sya. For one, tatay na rin kasi sya. Hindi na sya kasing sexy ng dati. His eyes are still nice though. Pero yung asawa nya, parang mas gumanda pa over the years. They still look so in love though.
Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit ang weird ng nararamdaman ako after kong manood ng j-drama. Parang ganito rin yung na feel ko everytime na may matatapos ako na harry potter books. Yung parang masakit na hindi maintindihan. Kahit happy ending, masakit parin. Hindi ko gets. Hindi ko rin makuha yung tamang word kahit sa English or Tagalog. Pero sa Japanese siguro, ang pinaka apt e yung "kurushii".
Kurishii. Hindi ko maintindihan bakit ang sakit. Lol. Ayoko ng ganitong feeling. Sa Kdrama parang hindi ganito. And promise, sobrang feel-good drama lang ng rmpm.
Ayoko sana manood ng Korean or J-drama. Mas lalo kasing mahirap ma appreciate ang reality pag nakakita ka ng world na so much better than the real one. But what can I do? That's the only way I can have my peace...
14th day of the year and I still don't feel like talking to, hearing or seeing other people. I don't know what's wrong with me.
11:13 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Half of the month just passed. Ano bang ginawa ko?
I know I'd be in trouble but I don't really know how to fix my life so I decided to just sleep. Lol.
At least I'm not sleeping now.
I still don't know what to do, but i should at least do something, right?
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Our pups are 4 days old now and they're getting cuter. Our family is a dog loving family. If it's up to us we'd love to have them all inside the house. We used to have all our dogs inside the house until they started killing eachother. The favorites who didn't kill eachother were the ones we were able to keep inside. Thangs, Yuri, Mongee and Gracie May. The 3 died though, so now we only have mongee. I can insist on having the babies inside but that would mean I have to keep gigi outside because otherwise, she'll kill the pups. But I can't do that. I love gigi. Huhu. I wish they can all just get along.
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For 2 days in a row, I was asked by 2 different random strangers about my husband. Both were men. I wonder if I should start wearing a placard stating that I don't have one.
なんか、むかつく。
08:30 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
I remember it quite clearly. When I was younger, I thought that the moment you'll realized that you're in love with someone, may makikita kang rainbows, may makikita kang butterflies, complete with mushy details and all.
Years ago, I learned that it's not really like that.
I remember I was boarding a jeepney then when I felt a sudden kick in my gut that told me, "now this is something". I knew then that it was real. Nothing fancy though. Walang rainbows, walang butterflies. Just a silent realization that I was feeling "something".
Sabi nila futuristic daw ang mga babae. Tipong hiningi lang ang number mo, iniisip mo na kagad ang magiging motif ng kasal nyo pati pangalan ng mga magiging anak nyo. Well, I don't deny that.
But then at that time, I was beyond futuristic. Kasi that time, I thought that if this is something real, then it can't just stay here in this life time. That it must surpass my days and his and should probably last for all eternity. Iba rin no? I remember I even wrote a poem out of this. I forgot the 1St line, but the rest went like,
When centuries gone past, will you and I be just a part of history, lost and replaced with a new world?
If so, how can a love so true fade away just like that?
Yeah, mushy. Ikr.
I don't know. It's been years and I never felt that "now, this is something" feeling again.
Maybe because he was the only one who came that close.
I wonder if in the future, someone else will come just as close as that. Or at least close enough to maybe fall in love with me.
.......
Kdrama effect. Ugh, damn this.
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Bukod sa time at money, may isa pa pala sa mga resources ng tao ang dapat nyang i-conserve.
Ang kanyang attention span.
Sa ngayon talaga si Son Oh Gong (Lee Seung-gi) lang ang naiisip ko. Nakaka adik yung 'A Korean Odyssey', ayoko nahhhhh! T_T
08:24 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Hima in Japanese means walang ginagawa.
Hima.
Sa Tagalog, petiks.
Hima.
Spent half of the day locked up in my room doing nothing. Another half watching the pups and fixing their cage.
Hima.
Club contest yesterday. I love how my friends were so supportive even before and after I delivered my impromptu speech. Jer said that if I didn't go overtime, I would've placed second daw. Jay was asking me if I did it on purpose.
OK lang naman. Mejo namimiss ko lang siguro yung training days. Pero wala rin naman talaga akong time na pwedeng i-devote para rito. Or siguro sila yung namimiss ko. For now, OK na rin siguro na ganito.
Initially, naisip ko na kung hindi makakapasok si Jer, I'm not gonna watch the next contests na. But then Bea gurl won so I have to be there. Bea is an insightful woman. I bet she's gonna be a breathe of fresh air in the area contest. I'm excited for Elite. I hope we'll make it to the nationals too this year.
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I wonder how the TM clubs in Cebu look like. Parehas kaya samin? Pag nagawa ko ba lahat ng plano ko, will I be able to leave everything behind and live there? Sighs. Sa ngayon, gusto ko lang magawa lahat ng plano ko. Maybe I'll just start thinking about running away after that.
20the day of the year and I haven't done anything though.
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I remember bff and I having a little debate about whether one is being "paasa" or maybe nagbibigay lang sya ng pag-asa. Giving a chance vs. giving false hope. I'm not so sure which boat I am in right now. For whatever the consequences may be, I wonder if I'll be able to pay the price.
07:09 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
1st GE stint outside our club tomorrow. i intended to say no when i was invited. nahihiya lang talaga ko kay erika. besides, di ba do something that scares you? wahhhhhh! puteeeek, this is sure scary.
neri's going with me. she also invited some of her boys and 2 agreed. i think that's the nice thing about having a pretty friend. you'll never go alone as long as you're with her, plus, she'll bring her "bodyguards" along. lel.
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ive been pretty ok these past few days. naniniwala ako magiging ok ang lahat.
fighting and all smiles.
03:42 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Yesterday, my friend Neri accompanied me to my 1st GE stint outside our club.
This morning, i woke up from gabby's call.
I was an hour late, yet they were still there.
Mentor gave me cookies when i was hungry.
Today, I got to spend time with the people i care about.
And went home with them.
Also, Dad brought me egg pie.
The people in my life are my greatest treasures.
My love tank is full.
...
Though my wallet is screaming otherwise, I feel so rich.
Thank you, Heavens, for my wealth.
02:09 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
hormones are no longer dictating how much i eat but for some reason, im still eating.
oh boy, it's February. A few things are jotted in my calendar though, really, right now, i just want to hibernate.
i swear im not even depressed or anything.
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kdramas are damaging my EQ. i watched Hwayugi's(a Korean Odyssey) 10th episode raw eventhough i dont understand a thing in Korean, all because i couldnt wait for the subs. lol. pero nakaraos naman. pinanood ko ulet kanina, now with subs, and i think my interpretation wasnt so far from reality. if it had been japanese, siguro sumakit na yung ulo ko.
Deepak Chopra's 4th spiritual law of success is the law of least effort.
29 days of the year passed and i didnt really do much to change my situation. partly because im lazy, party because im trying out that law of least effort thingy. kung nag jo-joke lang si Deepak Chopra, kawawa naman ako. lol.
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contest on feb 10. ill be attending some event on feb 17. events used to excite me back in the day, pero sa ngayon, puteeeek, tamad na tamad ako.
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there is this cute dude i "intend" to like. pag gwapo kasi at fit ang crush ko, naiinspire akong mag diet. sheeeet. ika crush-goal ko to!
.
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bff is getting married soon.
tintin had just gotten married.
sis-in-law's baby brother, kakakasal lang rin.
tas puteeeek, ako, nasa crush levels paren? why Universe?
lol.
..
..
pero sa totoo lang, it doesnt bother me one bit.
02:16 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
