Entries for June, 2018



Nemui
Friday: June 1, 2018



Kung kada hikab ko ay kumikita ako ng piso, siguro kakasya na ang kinita ko bilang pamasahe pauwi sa Bulacan mamaya.

For straight 1 week, I had trouble with sleeping. I've been sleeping 2-3 hours per day, my head is pulsating already. Can I go home?

Kaitlyn will be back home tomorrow. Brother's in-laws will send them very early Saturday morning. I wonder if I should just skip the meeting tonight to have enough sleep for tomorrow, but I want to watch our National Champ deliver his speech tonight. l remember I also told Gabby I'd be joining him in Greenhills Prime tomorrow.

Antok na antok na ko! Sleep, please be kind to me. T_T



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Written by cinderellaareus at 11:53 AM.

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And we're back to regular programming
Sunday: June 3, 2018



Hello Tabby! It's Sunday. Most schools will start their classes by tomorrow and I'm bracing myself for the worse traffic jam.

Our baby Kaitlyn's back. She's been away for a month. Was too sleepy to get up this morning but Mom woke me up at 6am and I was hearing our baby girl calling me. Whenever that girl is at home, there's no way she'll let me stay in my room in peace. Not really complaining.

I feel like I'm going to go back to my normal life. I don't really feel bad about. There's something I feel happy about but for a reason I couldn't even remember. 

Went back to sleep after breakfast. Woke up past lunch. I don't how can I sleep tonight e kakagising ko lang.

Weird. I feel like I'm about to start a new life when there's nothing really new about my life. I actually feel excited about it for no reason. I think it's not a bad thing though.

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It's June now. 1 more month and we're halfway 2018. I know the half of the year wasn't so bad, but maybe I can do so much better.

My hopes are high. I know great and even happier days are ahead.

All smiles. : )

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There's this dude from another club that I'm interested with. Wala naman akong balak makipag harutan for now, I just want to take a closer look. Jeez, why can't I reconcile with my own schedule?  T_T



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Written by cinderellaareus at 07:32 PM.

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The only F word I love is "Friday"
Friday: June 8, 2018



Hello Tabby. It's Friday!

Been feeling down for some time. Must be the weather. 

It's been raining more frequently lately. I love the rain. I love how it makes me sad sometimes. I think sadness is good. When felt sparingly, that is.

Will be meeting the girls later. Just some chat over coffee. I think I'd rather have beer. They don't drink beer.

Yesterday, Mom was asking me to accompany her in meeting an acquaintance who works for an LGU today. Mom rarely ask for my presence. I felt bad that I couldn't say yes because I have work and couldn't file a leave because Partner filed his a few days ago.

I need sleep. Badly.

We have guests at home. I feel sorry for our dog, Gigi. She must be tired from barking all the time.

We'll be having a day out with the guests tomorrow. Mom wants me to go home earlier tonight. I don't know how can I possibly do that if I'll be going out with the girls 3 hours bus ride away from home.

I love my home town and all. I just wish I don't have to travel this long every single effing time.

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Rainy days mean silence. Peace. I can imagine sitting by my favorite chair, reading a good book this weekend.

Seems like it's not gonna happen, but I'm not really complaining. Sleep is non-negotiable though.

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Been sad for the entire week. I have to be happy next week if I'd like to stay sane. When was the last time that I had meaningful human interaction?



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Written by cinderellaareus at 08:19 AM.

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1128
Saturday: June 16, 2018



Umulan kahapon pagkatapos ng workhours ko. Buong araw na masakit ang ulo ko at mejo nilaglagnat pa. Bukod don, masakit pa yung tiyan ko. I had every reason to skip our TM meeting and there was a battle inside my head whether I will attend or not. In the end I found myself riding the bus, telling the konductor to drop me off in Kamias, then rode a jeep and got myself to our meeting's venue.

It was my last meeting as our VP Ed and as an officer in general. Can't miss it, I had to bypass all my excuses. Kahit ulan at sakit ng tiyan, hinamak ko. Ganito rin kaya ako magmahal? Cheret.

Good morning, Tabby! It's 11am. Kagigising ko lang. There's a lot of things to do. Today, I will bring my baby girl, Gigi, to the vet. Her eyes started to look foggy, we suspect she has cataract. We have 2 more dogs who have the same problem. I would love to send them to the vet too and I could. Only, Mom told me that if I do, those 2 might fight until they kill eachother once their eyes hurt from the operation. I'd rather have them blind than dead.

I few years back, Mom offered to send me back to school to study to become a vet myself so I can take care of our dogs. I loved the idea but I wasn't able to go with it because I was laden with my excuses. I wish I can just wake up one day tas, poof! Vet na ko!

Tomorrow's Father's day. Next week's Mom's birthday week. Mom's birthday celebrationsssss started a few weeks back and will continue probably until the month ends. Our queen can't have just one birthday celebration indeed.

Kailangan ko na mag diet. I tried IF. Didn't work. I'm back to Atkins for 2 days now. This remains to be the most effective for me so far. I'm already 10 kilos away from my weight 5 years ago. 10 kilos!!! Yoko na, penging blade! T_T

A few changes once July comes. Today I woke up with a few members' messages asking about their speeches. Someone even requested to be scheduled for a speech yesterday. There's so much to relay to the next VP Ed. I really forgot how to be an ordinary member. This might get a lot of getting used to.

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Yung crush ko from other club, dumalaw samen kahapon. Tagal kong nastuck sa venue after the meeting, hindi ko manlang kinausap. Hindi ko naman lalandiin, gusto ko lang makilala. Kaso ang sakit nga kasi ng tiyan ko. Huhu.

He's cute pala sa malapitan and mukhang mabait. Single kaya yun? Ang hirap kumilos pag masyadong malayo, sana mag member nalang sya samin. 



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Written by cinderellaareus at 11:28 AM.

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Dreams and metaphors
Wednesday: June 20, 2018



Sabi ko kagabi, maaga akong matutulog tonight. 930 na, hindi pa ko nakakapag-ayos. Tamad na tamad ako lately.

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Do you remember when was the last time your heartbeat raced inside your chest ? I just had that this morning. I know my patterns. I know what excites me so much, my heart somersaults. I don't know why I'm not doing anything about it.

Kaya ko gustong magkaron ng maraming pera e para magawa ko na ang mga gusto kong gawin. Ang weird na pinipigilan ko ang sarili kong gawin ang mga gusto kong gawin dahil sa wala pa kong maraming pera. Kailangan ko ba talaga ng pera para magawa ang mga gusto ko?

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So, I see that you're meeting a lot more women recently. A part of me wonders if you now realized that you can't find anyone else like me. They could be greater than me in an aspect or so, but I know what you're looking for and I have all that. I know I'm still the only one perfect for you.

Naks, spell confidence. Lol.

Most of what I'm looking for, you have too. Still, I don't want to do anything about it right now. I don't want to put shackles on someone I'm not even sure I could keep.

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Seems like you forgot. 

Be careful with your metaphors, Z.

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Nakakakaba pag sinabing "keynote speaker". Kailangan ko yata ng mas matibay na puso.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 10:14 PM.

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Stuff and stuff and stuff
Tuesday: June 26, 2018



951pm. For the past 2 nights, I've been lacking sleep. It's langgam season once again, and every effing night, I have to ward them off.

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After so much deliberation, I've decided na sa bahay na ko uuwi sa Friday at luluwas nalang ng maaga for the COT as I was tasked to do the registration. Then, when asked, "sleepover ka samen, Zah?" My fingers typed, "sigi". Grabe, wala talaga akong paninindigan. 

Two years na kaming magkakilala. Mukhang sanay naman na sila sa kaartehan ko. Still, I don't want to cause them any trouble. Ang hirap lang rin kasi talaga kung manggagaling pa kong Bulacan, and wala rin naman talaga akong pang hotel on my own at the moment. I'm not really thrilled about sleeping in a bed other than my room's.  Still, I will do my best not to hassle anyone.

The weekend's going to be long. Div A party by the evening after COT. Formal event. I intend dress down a bit. Gusto ko nga sana mag rubber shoes. Will be doing the registration also. My kerengkeng side would be excited about this since this could be a venue to meet new people, but right now, I just feel too lazy.

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Was chatting with someone fr another club earlier. The dude was asking what will be my position in our club for the next term. I told him, none.

Friday last week, I joined Jer's execom for the new set of officers. Gabby and Ivan even booked a hotel for this. I'm no longer an officer, but it's yet to feel like so. Ok lang, masaya naman.

Bea brought her tarot cards and gave us a reading. Mine was quite on point. 1st card meant deception daw. Bea said that the other person's sincere and that the deception's on me. Gusto ko lang daw yung other person because we share common values and for his character also. She said I'm staying for the wrong reasons.

Second card shows a picture of a woman paddling away on her boat. Bea said the cards suggest for me to let go. Leave. So that I can get to the third card which is about finding love. I will only find love daw if I leave. There was a 4th card pa pero tinatamad na ko mag explain. It has something to do with keeping my path clear.

Idk. Totoo kayang I will only find love if I will walk away? The rebel in me wants to cling on all the more. Lol. I wonder if these will even matter.

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Last weekend, I watched Spider-Man: the homecoming and Thor Ragnarok. I realized Tom Holland(Spidey) is rather adorable pala and Tom Hiddleson(Loki) could fit to be the god of hotness instead of mischief. Tas kanina, I was watching Capt America: Winter Soldier. Chris Evans is Chris Evans. Masyadong gwapo napapa buntong hininga ako pag ngumingiti tong taong to. Jeez, may panget ba sa Marvel?

Ang saya siguro kung makakapag asawa ako ng lalaking papasang maging Marvel superhero. Para mangyari yon, kailangan ko bang maging kamukha ni Elizabeth Olsen?

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Teka, inaantok na ko.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 10:48 PM.

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SK and miss
Thursday: June 28, 2018



"a man plows his truck
through the crowd
celebrating on the Nice boardwalk
where my once-love once insisted
we could make it all the way through
a triple-layer chocolate mousse
until we were both so full
we could not even bear to lick our spoons
I text a friend
where are you
which is code for
please tell me these new deaths
are not yours this time
if I scroll up I will see the same text she sent me in January
when I was in lockdown in Jakarta
as the man in the starbucks across town
pulled the pin from his grenade
not yours
this time
is a song that plays so often
I cannot help but know the words
are you ok is the hook
are you ok is code for
we are not ok
but please remind me you are breathing
back home
the Black men and women I love
look into mirrors and wonder
if they are loose teeth
in the mouth of an impatient god
are you ok
I text
impotent
please remind me you are breathing
I am scared
is not a good enough reason to not get out of bed
The world is falling apart
is not a good enough one either
I ask my mother if growing older means
one wound piled upon another
until we are just a collection of hurt
and she insists no—
sometimes somebody gets married
or has a baby

someone teach me a new song please
bring me a spoon
and a mouth to lean across the table for
this time
this time
I am a jaw of loose teeth
I am a collection of string
I am a snow-globe of worry
I am a rolodex of fear
they are putting bodybags over children on the sidewalk
where I once pushed a bowl away
laughing
I cannot possibly have anymore
I am already full"

-SK

I've seen brilliant speakers whose speeches, once read, don't sound as good as the one delivered. But boy, this girl, whether live or in transcript,  puteeek, ang galing parin.

Naka experience na kaya ng war si sarah kay? Pag naging survivor ba ako ng giyera, gagaling ba ko ng ganito?

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Ayoko naman maging gaya ni sarah kay, or kahit ni heneral. Sa tingin ko, lahat ng artist in every person ay may kanya kanyang style that is his/her own. Pero siguro, gaya nila sarah kay at ni heneral, gusto ko rin na magkaroon ng kapangyarihang mangbulabog ng isip ng iba ang mga obra ko.

I miss my first love. I miss literature.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 10:27 PM.

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Daijobu
Friday: June 29, 2018



It was still dark when I got out of the house this morning. A fur ball of brown and white got past me as I walk. I greeted him, "Hello, pogi!" So he wagged his tail and jumped up and down playfully circling around me. I learned from Mom that the dog who often accompanies Dad every time he picks me up at the bus stop is actually our puppies' Dad. Funny, I'm pretty sure they never met, but it seems like this doggo knows the family of his offsprings. It took so much of me not to give him a tight hug lest I'd get to work smelling like him. But he was so adorable, he made my morning.

Everything will be okay.

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When you have to reassure yourself that you're okay, then maybe you're not.

It's Friday. Gabby booked a hotel room for them to stay tonight because the event tomorrow will be very early. I'd sleepover with them. Weird that when I told my parents about it, I didn't receive any interrogations.

Tomorrow's gonna be a long day. I'm kinda feeling anxious. See, I don't mind having strangers around as long as I don't have to talk to them, but tomorrow, there's no way I won't.

And whenever I'm nervous, my stomach would act up also. Anxiety and stomach upset; what a terrible combination.

Two years ago, I never really had that much problem with publicspeaking, but I joined the club. Mostly because I wanted to cure my people issues. I did change, but it doesn't mean I no longer get panicky whenever I have to talk to people I do not know. Maybe you don't really cure fear, you just learn to keep going despite having it.

Para sa lovelife ko, go!

Ok. Charot lang.

Sighs.

Everything will be okay.



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Written by cinderellaareus at 11:57 AM.

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« 2018/05 · 2018/07 »
C I N D E R E L L A A R E U S
"A dream is a wish your heart makes when you're fast asleep"

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