Entries for July, 2018
Woke up and it's almost noon. My arms still hurt from hours of sorting files and what not. How are you? I woke up not feeling ok.
My heart is acting up. The literal thing. Feels like my left chest is being pierced with a fine long needle. The pain is bearable but it's been going for 3 days now. Do I have to see a doctor?
I don't feel emotionally ok too. I wonder if it's my literal heart's fault.
"Ba't di kayo nagpapansinan?"
... and I thought I was the only one who noticed.
This happened before only with different person. I wonder if things will work a whole lot better if we will remove all romantic thoughts and just be friends.
Bea was moving her car then and we ended up having a convo about our favorite topic-- men.
I told her about this dude I like from another club and she was like, "mahilig ka talaga sa effeminate no?" I immediately asked her if the dude is gay. Hindi naman daw.
I also told Bea about someone I recently like in our club and she was like, "crush mo si *@&#^#^#&@^ ??!!!" - repeat 10x. Lol. I swear I love this girl and all, but she always make me question my taste in men.
Iniisip ko tuloy na if within Toastmasters ako maghahanap, mukhang malabo labo ang magiging future ko ng love life ko. But I'm still hopeful. There's a lot of great men within TM, I think I just have to figure out an effective way to get them. *wink wink*
Then here goes the heart problem again. Gtg. : (
Written by cinderellaareus at 08:21 PM.
I just had lunch. I usually feel better whenever I eat food I like. But right now, I'm just sad.
Earlier, I was chatting with 2 of my closest friends in college, Nini and Sha. We agreed to meet in August. It's been while since we had a bonding like this. I miss these people. I was happy.
Until LA sent me a message this morning. She's yet to tell Gabby and the rest of the officers so I really can't talk about it yet. But this is just heartbreaking. Huhu.
A few days back, I was chatting with Jay. Then last night, with Bea. I have very few friends, you know. I'm just glad that these few are good ones. Nalulungkot parin ako.
HS friends are planning to meetup too since Guadaching and fam is going to migrate in Europe daw by Sept.
Since I was young, there were days when I feel like I don't have friends only to look on my sides and they were there walking with me. Kung meron akong bagay na ipinagpapasalamat sa langit bukod sa family ko, siguro ito yun. Friends.
Iniisip ko lang, every single one of these people ay babae. What happened to my male friends???
Naisip ko si * at si **. Dapat talaga, kung hindi ka sigurado na kaya mong pangatawanan hanggang dulo, wag kang tatalo ng kaibigan.
Napansin ko lang naman. Yung mga tinatag mo kasi sa mga post tungkol sa paborito nateng libro, lahat taga SJDM, Bulacan. At yung isa, kapangalan ko pa.
Well, napansin ko lang naman.
I read you convo and I'm pretty sure that if FB existed back in the day, we would've sounded way happier than that.
Nalulungkot na naman ako. Si LA kasi. Huhu. T_T
Bea sent me a screenshot of a post from some guy we know. Mejo friends naman kami dun sa guy. We just felt like the post was kinda off.
It was a photo of an underwear na nakasampay sa hanger. The caption says something like, the guy hadn't been home for 3 yrs kaya 3 yrs na ring nakasampay yung undies ng ex nya sa banyo ng bahay nya.
I kinda know fragments of the guy's stories about his exes and they weren't good. Maybe he had the right to feel bitter, but still.
I don't know. I think private matters are called "private" because they ought to remain that way. I used to see this guy as someone "not so bad", pero bumaba talaga yung tingin ko sa kanya after this. Bukod don, parang nagka trust issue pa ko.
Moral lesson: kung hindi mo bahay, wag ka mag-iiwan ng panty.
Ang judgemental ko rin kasi feeling ko lahat ng lalaking nag react ng like, heart or haha sa post na to ay jerk. It was like saying, "Woohoo! Congratulations! You got laid!" Ewan.
As a woman, I genuinely like men. But it's more than because of what they have in between their legs. I'm utterly disgusted with men na ang pagkalalaki ay nakadikit lang sa kanilang "pag-aari".
I checked the people who reacted. Good thing, wala dun si crush. Made me proud of my taste in men. Lol. Happy na ko.
Written by cinderellaareus at 12:12 PM.
"Mejo feeling ko you're distant na," he said.
Now I'm wondering ako ba yung distant or sya or maybe we just lack communication.
Sleepy day at the cage. Must be the camomile tea.
For days I've been spending most of my waking hours playing Harvest Master, I finished 2 seasons in 2 days and now I'm halfway my 3rd. How productive.
So my picture na. I used to imagine how my reaction would be like when this day comes...
Kung tutuusin, wala naman akong nararamdaman. Kung meron man, siguro curiosity. I think there's a tiny part of me that is convinced that he won't forget me that easily. Not that I care though.
Watched Skyscraper movie last Monday. At the cinema, I saw Tom Cruise on a movie banner. I remember the person I watched the last Mission Impossible movie with, now happy with his beautiful wife and a kid.
Time flies so fast. People too. Why, until now I'm all memories. Nothing tangible. All fleeting. Minsan ok lang naman. Well, minsan.
I don't know what you want. Wala ka naman talagang ino-offer. Bakit ba nandyan ka pa rin?
Sa Harvest Master game, you have to offer the people there gifts they love so that you can create friendship points. Their heart at the panel will turn from grey to yellow to green, orange, purple, blue and pink depending in how much they like you in that order with Pink as the highest.
Pag orange na, dating levels na kayo nung character. My jowa in the game is already blue. Marrying levels na.
Iniisip ko, maybe life is just like this game. Tinatamad lang akong i-explain kung bakit.
You should've said, "I miss you," you know. Or maybe not. I don't know. I think missing someone can only go so far and at some point, they will also start to forget you.
I don't know if I'm ok about being forgotten.
I think I'm playing too much.
Written by cinderellaareus at 11:11 AM.
Ok, it hurts.
Written by cinderellaareus at 02:12 PM.
It's Friday. It's raining and I'd love to have champorado. I wonder why I ended with a frappuchino.
A day has gone. I'm moving on.
TM meeting later. I won't be attending and I'm not happy about it. Parents will be having a lab checkup tomorrow. I can't make them wait for me until midnight since lack of sleep might cause discrepancies to their results. I'm willing to just book a hotel and sleep somewhere near Timog just to be able to attend the meeting if only I'm not too broke.
Brother's birthday tomorrow too. Not attending tonight is probably the best decision talaga. I intentionally announced my absence just to make sure I won't change my mind last minute and do something stupid like booking a hotel when I don't have the money or something. I just miss TM. I miss speaking. I miss my friends.
I did see Gabby, Ivan and Jay yesterday. I joined them club hopping in a TM club near Cubao, just 2 stations away from work. All good. Though I got my least favorite role, I enjoyed it a lot. Something bothered me though...
I was the grammarian. In our club, we call it "language evaluator". I know this role is not really my forte so I gave them a heads up. I told them that my course in college was engineering where we were focused on Math and that during my English classes, I was just sleeping.
After my stint, the GE said, I don't look like an engineer daw. It was the first time someone said that to me so I was taken aback. I've been in TM for 2 years. I know people there will never insult anyone right on the meeting. I was thinking maybe the GE meant it as a compliment. Hindi ko lang maisip kung paano so I had to ask, "is that a good thing?"
I was yet to receive an answer when someone else seconded, oo nga daw, I don't look like an engineer. At that time I was so confused I can almost see question marks hovering on top of my head.
Clearly, they were speaking English but I felt like it was a whole different language. If you tell someone from my college friends that they don't look like an engineer, I'm pretty sure they will take it as an insult. I wonder what "you don't look like an engineer" means in their language. It didn't help that someone even asked, "were you just forced to take that course?"
I pressed on because I wanted to get an answer, "is that a good thing?" Sadly, the answer never came.
When I looked back in what I've been through in my life, na realize ko na majority ng problema ko sa buhay, I created myself. But come to think of it, because of that, I have a lot of good stories to tell.
I was browsing Sis Mayi's timeline when a came across Doc Didoy's (her husband) message for her last Mother's day. I was so moved a tear escaped. Take note, hindi ako iyakin.
Aside from household chores, I'm pretty much self reliant. I know I'm good on my own and I used to be scared of being binded by someone else's rules and approval out of being in a relationship.
But I think it's really nice to have someone else's back. To be the foundation behind someone's success. You see, all my life I'm mostly the Alpha in anywhere I go. I want to have someone I'd be willing to be a Beta for.
Written by cinderellaareus at 12:32 PM.
Z: pangit ba?
Bro: hindi naman
Z: Sabi ni Mama pangit daw
Bro: kasi uso yung ganyan ngayon e. Yung mukhang timang.
Grabe, hindi ko kinaya ang pagka savage ng kapatid ko.
It was raining kanina. I wanted to wear something comfy so I went for a maxi dress (actually a long gown) and a pair of rubber shoes. Despite my mom and bro's comments, my ridiculous outfit reached the mall...
We got there with screaming bladder so we hit the comfort room first. The line was long so mom went to the senior citizen area, then urged me afterwards to use it too. The guard motioned asking if I'm pregnant (because I was using the priority CR) and Mom nodded. I don't know kung kanino ako mas maiinis: to my mom for lying or to the Manong Guard for actually believing her.
This same dress I wore during the officers' installation. My pictures all looked so bad I didn't dare post any of it on my social media accts. I remember Mentor telling me not to wear that dress again...
Oh, guess who saw me at the mall wearing that dress kanina. Lol.
Brother's bday now over. The series of birthdays in my family's calendar ends here. The next will be months from now pa. Mine in October and then Kaitlyn's in Nov. Makakapag diet na rin ako...
Or maybe not.
Vikings with my girls, Nini and Sha, on 11th next month and then Tita Nora's 60th at Elyong's on 19th. Kung hihintayin ko pang maubos ang celebrations, hindi na siguro ako makakapag diet.
For the nth time, I looked at the picture. Promise mas maganda pa ko. Sabi nila matalino daw. Well, hindi man ako nag cum laude pero kung talino rin lang, sigurado akong kaya kong makipagsabayan. Iniisip ko nalang, siguro mabait. Wala naman talaga akong laban kung mabait.
Still, ok na. Wala namang kasalan yung babae. Wala rin sigurong reason i-bash. Kung nagkakilala kami, baka naging close pa kami. Nagbabago lang siguro talaga ang damdamin ng mga tao.
Ok na. I'm moving on na.
Written by cinderellaareus at 11:26 PM.
Braving Monday with a sleepy head. It's been a long while since I had sleeping problems. I don't know what triggers this. Takte.
I went to this place I'm in now to find some quiet place to think and plan my life. I want to use the things I learned from the Harvest Master game and use it in real life. So ano na 'Te?
I feel wierd. I'm not even sleepy. Tamang lutang lang. Gawd, what's wrong with me? I few things piss me of. Ayoko na nang ganitong setup. Alam mo bang kahit sa bible nakasulat na you are supposed to protect your heart? Surely, I trained myself to quickly move on, pero di ba lahat naman ng sugat, mag iiwan at mag iiwan din ng scar.
Hindi ko maintindihan kung anong point ng meron akong acct sa isang dating site kung lahat naman hindi ko pinapansin.
Tingin ko kasi mas gusto ko pa rin yung tunay na tao flesh and bones.
Halfway July. On the 29th, it's gonna be my 5th year here at the cage. I think this month and the last one had been tough. Ayoko na ring dagdagan pa yun bad feeling so wala nang sisihan ng sarili. Maaayos ko rin to. Oh God please...
30% of the time, I think of how much I'm missing you. 30% thinking how nice it would be like to be with you. Another 30 thinking how maybe this is such a terrible idea. The remaining 10 reminding myself how I have a lot more pressing things to think about.
Oh God, I need sleep.
Change of heart:
Written by cinderellaareus at 11:52 AM.
"You're name means Empress. Queen."
I barely remember my prof in Humanities2 saying this line in front of the class everytime she mentioned my name.
I also remember how he claimed that his name means "King", making us King and Queen.
King and Queen.
This is a closed book now though. I'm more than okay.
It's been a while since Jane gave a reading that resonates as much as this one. Seems like my fav tarot reader is back. All hearts.
Written by cinderellaareus at 09:00 AM.
I backread entries from 3 years back and boy, I sounded exactly the same.
Is staying the same good?
I don't know. How can I expect to change my situation if I will remain unchanged?
Maybe I need to rest for a while.
Written by cinderellaareus at 11:01 AM.