Entries for April, 2019
It's a Wednesday and I don't feel all good. Maaaaan, gusto ko na pumayat! Ughasjzbxgs.
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I'm supposed to be busy. Well, I am busy. But today, I spent my lunch break sleeping, and the rest of the day, I watched "to all the boys I've loved before", and started the series, "Tokyo Tarareba Musume." The series has good reviews, but I've been dodging it for the longest of time because from what I read, hindi ata happy ending.
First 2 episodes and I'm liking and hating it both at the same time. If you have an idea on what this is about, you'll understand. Nananapak yung scenes e. And it doesn't help that I can understand beyond the subtitles kasi mas intense yung term kung gets mo in Japanese. Nakakainis. Lol.
Tarareba. Sighs.
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Ang sabaw ng Japanese ko lately. It's a little harder now since both Partner and Meguri are longer around so there's no one to correct, no one to ask to kung ano ba tama and whatnot. So I'm back to watching J-drama. I'm an auditory learner after all. This is giving me an intense craving for sushi though. Wahhh! I want sushi!!! Lord, pengi pera!
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The TTM series mentioned about staying in the bench while looking down on people who are actually doing their best, playing in the field.
I don't remember myself ever looking down on people who do their best. I always look up on people who are courageously working on getting what they want. But I admit, I'm one of those people who are just on the bench watching most of the time.
There's someone I miss. I just don't know what I'm going to do about it.
Jane of Jane International said that security is not in knowing that someone loves you back. It is in knowing that you are operating in love, period. I think this should only be applicable if the one you're eyeing is already taken.
Because really, Z, will you be okay watching him being snatched away by somebody else?
07:21 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
It's a Friday. I'm supposed to study for the exam tomorrow. Earlier, I felt like I have so much time until 2 hours passed and I haven't opened my reviewer yet. Great.
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I've been sleep deprived the entire week. I'm all lutang I feel like I've had very little grasp of reality.
I was with a friend yesterday for an after-work bonding. We're both single, that's why I can't understand why we have to go to an all-girls gym when we should be expanding our network of single men. Lol. Pero ok lang naman.
But last night got me so surprised because of the ffg convo:
Z: you know I like *****, right?
F: oo. *pauses for 5 sec*. Crush ko rin yun.
Z: what?!
Oh well. But I guess it wouldn't matter since the guy's already taken.
Besides, I do have my eyes set for this not-yet-taken dude, but it seems like I won't be seeing him for a while.
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I've been hearing the line "boys will be boys" ever so often from people. Mostly from men who are convinced that their kind are slaves of their own instinct, driven by their desire for sex, like that's they are all about. Sex. It's such a pity seeing men like this.
But I just can't believe that. Because I have a father, a brother and a few good men in my life, who manned up and are manning up, proving themselves to be better than their desires. Maybe they too want sex, but I never saw them wrap sex around their identity as a man, nor act like they are a slave of it. It such a pity. See, I grew up seeing men as warriors, defenders, leaders, using their manly strength to protect and serve... not just some mascot, itching to mount on a woman to pleasure himself.
I'm just so disappointed, I don't know if I'll ever recover from this.
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I just remember Mr. Chill. We're not friends. We're not related by blood. But if there is one man I can trust despite that, that would be him. Because I've seen how good his heart is. And he's one of the reasons why I will never accept the pathetic excuse that "boys will be boys."
I heard he's recently single. But I think time had already passed us by so... I think I'm just gonna let the Universe handle this.
08:06 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
I just came home from a summer adventure. Went out to swim on a river, so my skin is an awkward shade of reddish brown. 3 weeks ago, I permed my hair (on my own). With my curly hair and dark skin, I now look like an aeta. Thank you very much.
The river was nice. It was surrounded with mountain, trees and rock formation. Naenjoy ko rin naman. Nakakahiya naman sa sunburn ko kung sasabihin kong hindi ako nag enjoy, pero...
Mas masaya siguro kung kasama rin kita.
06:56 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Whenever relatives invite Brother to take a shot on a drinking session, he always refuse. That makes them conclude that I also don't drink. Or maybe because I am a woman. I don't know.
Today, I bought the cheapest chardonnay I found at the grocery. Bought 4 cans of sanmig light and a sapporo. Nope, I'm not depressed. This is not one of those mandatory drink-your-heart-out sesh one will do whenever they're brokenhearted. I am not. I just feel like drinking, and I do need a good sleep (alcohol can help one sleep better, right?)
On October, I'm turning 34. When I was younger, I feel like life was moving slow. Like when I couldn't wait to start using ballpen when I was in grade 1, or when I couldn't wait to have nicer penmanship like those high school kiddos, or when I was excitedly waiting to graduate from hs and go to college.
I feel like days get faster as you get older. It's like yesterday, I was 28... and then, boom! 34 na ko. That swift.
...
I still remember that person sometimes. It feels stupid, you know. He's no longer available and never will be. Our time had long been up.
How will you differentiate what you feel from what you *think* you feel? I'm not really good at this. Labeling feelings.
...
Maybe I'm just lonely.
09:52 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
A few days ago, Ms. Mayi posted in FB abt their weekend where she, her hubby, and their daughter who's a toddler, were just eating popcorn while watching random movies on tv. Her husband said, "ang boring ng buhay natin, no," and followed, "I like it boring," to which, she smiled.
Universe, isang Doc Didoy nga, please. XD
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It's been months since I rented this place, 5 minutes tryk ride to the office. I intended to stay for only 3 months, but I'm liking it so far, so it looks like I'm staying.
I had a boring day yesterday. The kind of boring that I really like. I went home to my place, opened a huge bag of crab crackers and 2 cans of beer. I bought a bag full of ice tubes and sat on the floor having the best boring day of my life.
Sabi sa narinig kong talk, singleness daw is a season of life. And each season daw ng buhay naten has it own gifts, and we need to savor those gifts instead of rushing to the next season. I think I'm getting the message.
The longer I live alone here, the more I'm liking my season of singleness. But with that, I'm also more convinced that I'm really fit for marriage.
Because I know I don't need marriage to make me happy. I already am. I don't need marriage to gain stability. Because I'm already stable. I want marriage because I know I have value. And I seek someone who can add to that value so that together we can build something that is more than both our values combined. In a book I've read, they call that "synergy". When the resulting value of a union is more than their separate values combined.
Like in my family, when my dad married my mom, the equation was 1+1. Then my brother and I came along, so that became 1+1=4. When my brother got married, and my niece came along, our equation became 1+1=4+1=6. That's how synergy works. At least from how I see it. Lol.
I don't know if my equation will change in time, or if I'll remain to be "1". I don't know if singleness is just a season of life for me, or my entire life actually. I'm pretty sure I will be fine if that happens, but I still want to give it a try. Sana tulungan ako ng Langit.
It gets a little lonely sometimes, you know. And when you're lonely, it's hard to think clearly, and even harder to fight off human urges.
My mom was a virgin when she got married. She was quite a looker so it was probably harder for her at that time. My brother and his wife were both virgins too when they got married. If I am to have children in the future, I want them to look up to me the way I look up to my mother.
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There is this professional relationship coach that I follow in FB. The contents are very helpful and most of these are targeted for women.
If I will one day have a daughter, I will invest on her education as a woman. As early as 12, I will teach her what I know about men. And once she's 20, I will hire her a coach or send her to seminars.
Between my brother and I, I know I'm not my mother's favorite. Still, I wonder how she felt about having a daughter. Maybe having a son would be nice too, but I think raising another girl would be different, because it would be like seeing yourself right from the beginning and wanting to make it better this time around.
Kung bibigyan ako ng langit ng pagkakataong bumuo ng sarili kong pamilya, ilalambing ko na sana bigyan Nya rin ako ng anak na babae.
*pero pwede po ba, lalaki ang panganay?* lol.
08:18 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
I'm supposed to leave early today, but things happen. So now I lie in bed, waiting for the cue for me to pick my bags and get out of here.
I have books to read, contracts to review. I should me making full use of my time while waiting, but I feel a little lazy.
Ang init ngayon sa Mandaluyong. Nag swap na ba ng position ang Earth at Mercury? Hindi ako informed.
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There was a talk I once heard about how one should seek to get used to the awkward moments in life. It's odd you know... how I always find married or gay guys easier to talk to than single heterosexual men. Especially once you start seeing them differently.
Was watching "The Adjustment Bureau" yesterday and I can't help but get fascinated with Emily Blunt and Matt Damon's chemistry. I particularly like the way their character converse. Light, fun and flirty. I wonder if conversations like that can happen in real life.
I love good conversations. Maybe everyone does. Online conversation is nice, but I think nothing beats real life convo.
And we have that, don't we? Chemistry... and once I get past this awkwardness, maybe we can have good conversations again.
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I was watching some old live feed from a relationship coach in fb. The coach was answering the question, "how will I know if he's the one?" She mentioned about a scientific study that says that on the average lifespan, a person can meet at least 8 "Potentials".
"Potential" means someone who has the raw materials needed to become your the One. He's someone who has the same values and is heading to the same direction as you do.
EIGHT. And there could be more!
So, okay, let's see...
I met Potential no. 1 in 2002. Potential no.2, 2013. Potential no.3, 2016... Potential no. 4.... I think I haven't met him yet.
So I met 3 Potentials already I have at least 5 more! Asan ba tong mga taong to? Lol.
...
I'm a person of theory. I'm always fascinated with ideas, but never with the actual implementation. Ideas are harmless... but they're just that. Ideas.
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Oh wait, here's the cue! I'm off!
Tbc..
10:27 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
I have 45 mins to do this. It's 8:15 am. I'd love to sleep at the sleeping quarters but it's probably full.
The weekend was full of work. Not really complaining. It's just once a week that I can tend to my plants. I also did some architectural drawing. Nothing big. It's been 6 years since I "retired" from being an engineer and it's nice that I still get to do engineering-related stuff from time to time. I miss technical drawing. I just wish I still have my drawing tools because right now I have no idea where they are. I needed to make do with what was available. The result was not as good as it could have if only I had enough tools. I miss drawing.
Yesterday I was searching for a website that can let me use autocad without downloading the software. Waley. So sad. I tried MS Paint. It just won't do.
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Oh, I passed the licensure exams from insurance commission. I can now sell insurance, woot woot! Will meet J later to discuss the next step and stuff. I actually feel so lazy and sleepy. Probably PMS.
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I'm going to Cebu next week. It's hard to feel excited about it when I have very limited budget. But, let's do our best to enjoy this, Z, shall we?
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Damn, I feel so gloomy. It's a normal occurrence whenever a woman is about to have their period. It sucks, but I think I'm going to miss this pag menopausal stage na ko. Afterall, we can always sleep our gloomy days away.
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At least once a day, I do facial yoga and shiatsu massage on my face to look good and slow down (and probably reverse) aging. Though I do and eat a lot of unhealthy things, I always make an effort to take care of myself. I also invest a lot in my education and personal development. I always, always try to make myself better.
I know my value.
...
And for that reason, I will never settle to someone who cannot treat me well. I'd rather stay single. Pangangatawanan ko yan.
08:50 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
In our clan's group chat, one of my Tito's forwarded a message on how we should all pray harder dahil pasama na daw ng pasama ang mundo. The examples in the message were the likes of how a certain country is allowing adultery, some, incest, others, same-sex marriage. I don't know. It made me upset somehow.
After submitting my application form as an insurance agent, I passed by my favorite chapel. Most of the images that were there were removed. Some, they covered with purple blankets. Lent nga pala.
Years ago, I had an argument with God. I was still working in my previous co then, still in my early 20s. One time, I went into the pantry and saw 2 of my officemates locked in a sweet embrace. It wouldn't have been an issue since they weren't really doing anything obscene. It's just that, they were both women.
The night that followed that incident got me all bothered. In my imagination, I see them being punished for homosexuality. All because they happen to fall in love with someone of the same sex. It felt so unfair to me at that time because I knew these women as good people. I was even in tears when I ask God what's with that ridiculous rule. If He didn't want people to fall for those of the same sex, He should've prevented that from the start. Why should good people be punished for love? God didn't answer until years later.
When Pope Benedict stepped down, making the papal position open for its new successor, I remember wishing na sana si Bishop Tagle nalang. Parang ang cool kasi kung Filipino ang susunod na pope. I intently watched the news only to get disappointed when our now Pope Francis was chosen. But now I'm convinced that he was indeed the best choice.
When asked about homosexuality, it took Pope Francis some time to answer. And when he answered, he said that the church is a hospital for the sick and broken souls. Something like that. Sobrang natuwa lang ako sa sagot nya.
You know why I love the Divine Mercy so much? Because it makes me feel like Jesus is saying, "I don't care how messed up you are, or how much you have sinned... just come to me."
Two Sundays from now will be the Feast of Divine Mercy. That's April 28. I'll be in Cebu then. Sabi sa messages ni Jesus through Sister Faustina, lahat daw ng mag ko-confession at mag re-receive ng eucharist on that day will be granted full pardon of their sins. And also, Jesus will open His floodgates of mercy daw on that day. This is a once-a-year chance that I couldn't pass up. I know my friends have other plans for the day, but I'll make this my priority. Sana makahanap ako ng simbahan.
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May ball pala sa Discon and the theme will be british gala. Parang Princess Diana daw ang peg. I'm not really thrilled.
10:30 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Hey, it's Friday and I'm alone in the office, no prob.
I'm browsing for places to eat once we get to cebu. Jay sent a food vid from a resto in cebu last night. I checked and it looks like it's just 15 minutes drive from the convention venue. Oh, wait. We don't have a car.
Recently, I've been craving for mongolian bbq. I miss Baguio's Oh My Khan. Injan and I used to go there and we just loved the food. Ang challenging rin kasi sa Mongolian bbq, lalo't unli, kada balik mo, iba iba lasa. I think there's a Mongolian bbq around pse. It's about 45mins walk from here, I'm planning to visit pag hindi na nagliliyab sa init ang Pilipinas.
Nagugutom ako. Putek, kakakain ko lang. T_T
01:18 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Noong unang panahon, inutusan ako nang nanay kong pupunta sa palengke at bumili ng paninda para sa aming tindahan.
Gaya ng bilin ng nanay ko, dumerecho ako sa grocery at isa isang inilagay sa push cart ang bawat items sa listahan ng pinapabili ng nanay ko. Nung matapos ako, puno na yung cart, kaya pumunta na ko sa counter.
Z: magkano po?
C: *shwee shwee shwee* (nagbaby talk si Ate)
Z: *hands 2- 500 peso bills despite having no idea what the cashier said*
C: *stares*- Ma'am, two shwee shwee shwee po.
Z: *hands 2 more 500 peso bills, thinking the cashier meant 2000*
C: *stares some more* 200 lang po, *looks at the money and smirks*, kukunin ko yan.
I rarely go to the market. I didn't know it's possible to fill the entire cart and pay only 200. I brought mostly chips. Ang mura lang pala ng chichirya sa palengke.
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I sold some of my stocks a few days back. Napa-praning kasi ako sa pagpunta namin sa Cebu. Baka wala na kong maipamasahe pauwi. I have no idea how much I will need when I get there. Iniisip ko kung gaya ba nung pag go-grocery ko sa palengke, na o-overestimate ko lang ba ang kailangang budget?
Maybe I need to travel a little.
Gusto ko rin naman magtravel. Pero sa ngayon, gusto ko talaga munang yumaman.
10:38 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
So, lumipas na pala ang holy week? Hindi ko man lang nadama. Tomorrow will conclude my work week. I took 3 days leave, then the following week will be Japan's golden week, so I have a total of 13days off work. On Friday, we will fly to Cebu.
a lot of things worry me, so I need to write. Gabby just confirmed that they won't join us in our Cebu tour after the conference so it's just gonna be Jay, LA and I. One of the places we plan to go to is Kawasan falls. Jay is planning to go on an extreme adventure, while LA and I decided to stay at the safe part of the falls. But now that Gabby and the rest of the gang is not joining, I kinda feel sorry for Jay, so I told LA, let's do it too--that extreme adventure thingy. I've been reading blogs about this for about an hour now, and my stomach is already twisting. Juice colored!
I know Jay can manage on her own. Naisip ko lang,baka mas masaya if sama sama nalang. But aside from that, I think a part of me really wants to try... you know... conquer fear and all that shit.
The last time I conquered my fear was when I agreed to mount on a zip line. Na trauma lang ako pero hindi naman naimprove nun ang pagkatao ko. So why go with this extreme adventure thingy? Lol. I dont know too. Maybe I just don't feel like sitting in the sideline while Jay is doing all the "fun" stuff. Lol. Will this be really fun? Maybe...
There are two things I'm very much afraid of:
1. heights
2. riding a motorcycle
Both I need to endure when we go to Kawasan. Patnubayan sana ako ng Langit.
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I lived for nearly 34 years now, and one of the things that I learned in this age is that relationships are built not as much through the good times as it is in the bad. That the ones who managed to build really good relationships were those who held on through the bad times until things are not so bad anymore.
I sometimes feel like my heart is not built to handle conflicts...
Will this be worth holding on for?
03:28 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
Tatay: Ang init! Gringneth tayo, halo halo.
Z: Weh... Libre mo? Tara!
Tatay: Sige kuha ka sa wallet ko.
*I took his wallet and there was nothing there, it made me feel so sorry.
I give my Mom most of my salary and she manages the expenses in the house. Though Dad no longer works now, he have pension, and he gives all his money to mom too just like the old times when he was still working and Mom was recieving all his salary.
I need all the money I can get for my Cebu trip on Friday, but I pulled some cash from my wallet just so Dad's wallet wouldn't be empty.
Promise, magpapayaman ako para hindi na mawawalan ng laman wallet mo, Tatay. T_T
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Bilang ang daming earthquake-related post here and in fb, naiinggit naman ako... so.
Well, nothing exceptional. I was in my place in Mandaluyong when I noticed the floor swayin. When alone and facing dangerous situation, I'm usually eerily calm or just plain indifferent just like that time when the bus I was riding was about to hit an MRT post. It was chaotic. There were blood and people were panicking, and I just stared there blankly and waited for the collision. Lol. Is that normal?
Maybe my reaction will be a whole lot different if I'm with someone, but I don't know that yet. I think I don't want to know.
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Since umo-ok na ang prep and all, ayan... mejo excited na ko. All smiles.
Iniisip ko lang kung magiging ok ba yung eyeglass ko kung mag ka canyoneering ako. Pano kung tangayin ng tubig? Or kaya mabasag? Pag talon ko sa cliff, malamang lilipad yun...
I just bought an eyeglass. With corrective lenses, multicoated (for protection sa computer and cellphone) and with transistion lenses (nagtatransform into sunglasses pag nasisinagan ng araw). In short, hindi sya mura. I was able to afford it only because Mom paid almost half. Ansaya ko kaya nung binili ko to. Hindi mabura ang ngiti ko...
Hindi pa ko ready mawalay sa bago kong eyeglass... I wonder how other four-eyed people do this...
06:01 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
I feel like I had a coffee overdose, I wonder if I'd be able to sleep tonight.
Home now. Still battling whether to go back to metro so that ill be nearer to the airport tomorrow or head straight to the airport from my home in Bulacan. It is at a time like this that I wish I have a jowa who can pick me up or at least help me carry my things. When Dad was still well, he did all that for me that was why I never needed any. He actually volunteered to send me to the airport but Mom and I decided against it since he's too weak already.
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J: May period ako. Huhu.
Z: Ako rin! Sana wala na to by Tuesday. Ayoko mag Kawasan nang naka napkin.
L: Katatapos lang ng period ko. Cheer ko kayo. Lol.
God didn't give me sisters, but He gave me girl-friends so it never really felt like I don't. Why, I love these women.
12:48 PMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
"Flirt si *** no?" a friend asked. I've known the guy for three years, so there's no way I wouldn't know.
I've met a number of flirty men. They're fun, but if you're looking for something real, they should be avoided at all cost. One thing I've learned about flirty men though is that one way to know if they truly like a girl is when their actions match their words.
With that, I think our Mr. Flirty here seems to like this girl he flirts a lot with. It's just that, he's close to me so it seems like it's giving the girl the wrong idea. So I need to be all friendly to the girl so she will know we're all cool. Ano kayang kahihinatnan ng lovebirds na to?
And Lord, yung sakin po, nasan na?
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We were at the pool earlier. Someone took a video while ***** is pushing me up and out of the water just to annoy me. It was embarrassing but my friends were laughing and I found the whole thing really funny (though I'm hoping against hope they won't post the video). I was all cool.
With that J asked L, "Buti hindi napipikon si Zah kay ***** no?"
To which she answered, "mahal ni zah si *****."
...
I didn't expect that L will interpret it that way. I'm not sure though if she's wrong. I don't know much about loving. I mean, how would I know?
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So here's the situation:
There are these 2 guys I like...
And they like eachother.
Yes, 2 GUYS. Yes, EACHOTHER. You get the picture.
But I'm all cool because I've moved on from this. But see, crushes don't really disappear, you know. They usually just sleep until something triggers them to wake up. I know my triggers and I've been avoiding them for a long time now. It's just that, I'm in Cebu. I just want to enjoy. Surely, I love being with my friends, pero iba parin ang saya when you're swept with the romantic angle of the situation at kung may lalaking involved. Lol. Is it just me?
You have to know these though:
These men are people are care about, and even if one day, the crush will die down, they will remain to be my persons. And no, even if I'll be given a wish, I wouldn't ask for any of them to end up in my arms (I'll probably wish for money instead). That would mean the other will be left hurting and I don't think want that so... I don't think I need anything, really...
Kasi naman, Universe, Just send the right man for me already.
12:47 AMにcinderellaareus によって書かれました。
